Newspaper Page Text
RHEUMATISM MOVEMENT CURE.
UY K. 3. MTKDETT, or TltE Hawke ye.
.Yen' York Weekly.
One day, not a great while ago, Mr.
Middlerib, who is a constant reader of
the New York Weekly, read in Ins fa
vorite paper a paragraph copied from
the Praeger Landwirthschajliches Wo •
chenblatt , a German paper, which is an
accepted authority on such points, sta
ting that the sting of a bee was a sure
cure for rheumatism, and citing several
remarkable instances in which people
had been perfectly cured by this abrupt
remedy. Mr. Middlerib did not stop
to reflect that a paper with sue!) a name
as that would be very apt to say any
thing ; he only thought of the rheu
matic twinges that grappled his knees
once in awhile, and made life a burden
to him.
lie read the article several times, and
pondered over it. lie understood that
the stinging must be done scientifically
and thoroughly. The bee, as he under
stood the article, was to be griped by
the cars and set down upon the rheu
matic joint, and held there until it stung
itself stingless. He had some misgiv
ings about the matter. He knew it
would hurt. He hardly thought it could
hurt any worse than the rheumatism,
and it had been so many years since he
was stung by a bee that he had almost
forgotten what it felt like. lie had,
however, a general feeling that it would
hurt some, lint desperate diseases re
quire desperate remedies, and Mr.
Middlerib wa3 willing to undergo any
amount of suffering if it would cure
his rheumatism.
He contracted with Master Mid lle
rib for a limited supply of bees, hum
ming and buzzing about in the summer
air, but Mr. Middlerib did not know
how to get them. He felt, however,
that he could safely depend upon the
instincts and methods of boyhood,
lie knew that if there was any way in
heaven whereby the shyest bee that
ever lifted a two-hundred-pound man
off the clover could bo induced to enter
a wide-mouthed glass bottle, his son
knew that way.
For the small sum of one dime Mas
ter Middlerib agreed to procure several,
to-wit: six bees, sex and age net speci
fied ; but, as Mr. Middlerib was left in
uncertainty as to the race, it was made
obligatory upon the contractor to have
three of them honey and three humble
or-, in the generally accepted vernacu
lar, bumble-bees. Mr. M. did not tell
bis son what lie wanted those bees for.
and the boy went off on his mission
with bis head so full of astonishment
that it fairly whirled. Evening brings
all home, and the last rays of the de
clining sun fell upon Master Middlerib
with a short, wide-mouthed bottle com
fortably populated with hot, ill-natured
bees, and Mr. Middlerib and a dime.
The dime and the bottle changed hands.
Mr. Middlerib put the bottle in bis
coat-pocket and went into the house,
eying everybody he met very suspicious
ly, as though he had made up his mind
to sting to death the first person who
said “ bee” to him. Ho confided his
guilty secret to none of bis family, lie
hid liis bees in his bed-room, and as lie
looked at them just before putting them
away he half-wished the experiment
was safely over. lie wished the im
prisoned bees did not look so liot and
cross. With exquisite care he sub
merged the bottle in a basin of water
and let a few drops in on the heated in
mates to cool them off.
At the tea table he had a great fright.
Miss Middlerib, in the artless simplici
ty of her romantic nature, said :
”“ I smell bees. How the odor brings
up—”
But her father glared at her and said,
with superfluous harshness and execra
ble grammar:
“ Hush up ! You don't smell noth
ing.”
Whereupon Mrs. Middlerib asked
him if be had eaten anything that disa
greed with him, and Miss Middlerib
said:
“ Why, pa!” and Master Middlerib
smiled as he wondered.
Bed time at last, and the night was
warm and sultry. Under various false
pretences, Mr. Middlerib strolled about
the house until everybody else was in
bed, and then he sought his room, lie
turned the night lamp down until its
feeble ray shone dimly a3 a death light.
Mr. Middlerib disrobed slowly—
very slowly. When at last he was
ready to go lumbering into his peaceful
couch, he heaved a profound sigh, so
full of apprehension and grief that Mrs.
Middlerib, who was awakened by it,
said if it gave him so much pain to
come to bed, perhaps he had better sit
up all night. Mr. Middlerib checked
another sigh, but said nothing and crept
into bed. After lying still a few mo
ments be reached out and got his bot
tles of bees.
It was not an easy thing to do to
pick one bee out of the bottleful with
nis fingers, and not get into trouble.
The first bee Mr. Middlerib got was n
little brown hpney-bee that would not
weigh half an ounce if you picked him
up by the ears, but if you lifted him
by the hind leg, would weigh as much
ns the last end of a bay mule. Mr.
Middlerib could not repress a groan.
“ What's the matter with you ?"
sleepily asked his wife.
It is very hard Mr. Middlerib to say
he only felt hot, but he did it. lie
didn’t have to lie about it either, lie
did feel very hot indeed. About eighty
six all over, and one hundred and nine
ty-seven on the end of his thumb. lie
reversed the bee. and pressed the war
like terminus of it firmly against the
VOL. Ill —NO. 13.
rheumatic knee.
It didn't hurt so badly as he thought
it would.
It didn't hurt at all.
Then Mr. Middlerib remembered
that when the honey-bee stabs a human
foe, it generally leaves its harpoon in
the wound, and the invalid knew that
the only thing this bee had to sting with
was doing its work at the end of his
thumb.
lie reached his arm out from under
the sheet, and dropped this disabled
atom of rheumatism liniment on the
carpet. Then, after a second of blank
wonder, lie began to feel round for the
bottle, and wonder what he did with it.
In the meantime strange things had
been going on. When he caught hold
of the first bee. Mr. Middlerib, for rea
sons. drew it out in such haste that for
the time he forgot all about the bottle
and its remedial contents, and left it
lying uncorked in the bed, between
himself and bis innocent wife. In the
darkness there had been a quiet but
general emigration from that bottle.
The bees, their wings clogged with the
water Mr. Middlerib had poured upon
them to cool and tranqnilize them, were
crawling aimlessly about over the sheet.
While Mr. Middlerib was feeling around
for it, his ears were suddenly thrilled
and his heart frozen by a wild, piercing
scream from his wife.
“Murder!” she screamed, “murder!
0!i! help me ! Help! help!”
Mr. Middlerib sat holt upright in
bed. His hair stood on end. The
night was w-arm, but he turned to ice
in a minute.
“ Where in thunder,” he said, with
palid lips, as he felt all over the bed in
frenzied haste— “ where in thunder are
them infernal bees ?”
And a large “ bumble,” with a sting
as pitiless as the finger of scorn, just
then climbed up the inside of Mr.
Middlerib's night-shirt, until it got
squarely between his shoulders, and
then it felt for his marrow, and said,
calmly:
“ Here is one of them.”
And Mrs. Middlerib felt ashamed of
her feeble screams when Air. Middle
rib threw up both arms, and, with a
howl that made the windows rattle,
roared :
“Take him off! Oh, land of Scott,
somebody take him off!”
And, when a little honey-bee began
tickling the sole of Mrs. Middlerib's
foot, she so shrieked that the house was
bewitched, and immediately' went into
spasms.
The household was aroused by this
time. Miss Middlerib, Master Middle
rib and the servants were pouring into
the room, adding to the general confu
sion by howling at random and asking
irrelevant questions, while thoy gazed
at the figure of a man a little on in age
in along night-shirt, pawing fiercely at
ilie unattainable spot in the middle of
his back, while ho danced an unnatural,
weird, wicked-looking jig by the dim,
religious light of the night-lamp. And
while lie danced and howled, and while
they gazed and shouted, a navy-blue
wasp, that Master Middlerib had put
in the bottle for good measure and va
riety, and to keep the menagerie stir
red up, had dried his legs and wings
with a corner of the sheet, and after a
preliminary circle or two around the
bed to get up His motion and settle
down to a working gait, he fired himself
across the room, and to his dying day
Mr. Middlerib will always believe that
one of the servants mistook him for a
burglar and shot him.
No one, not even Mr. Middlerib him
self, could doubt that he wa3 at least
for the time, most thoroughly cured of
rheumatism. Ilis own boy could not
have carried himself more lightly' or
with greater agility'. But the cure was
not permanent, and Mr. Middlerib does
not like to talk about it.
.Josh hillings on Editors.
An editor is a male whose bizness it
is to navigate a nuzepaper. He writes
out editorials, grinds out poetry, insert
deaths and wedins, sorts out manu
sorips, keeps a waste basket, blows up
the printer, steals matter, fites uther
people’s battles, sells his paper for a
dollar and fifty cents a year, takes peas
and sorghum for pay when he can get
it, raizes a large family, works nine
teen hours out of twenty-four, knows
no Sunday, gits abused hi everybody
and oust in awhile whipt bi somebody,
lives poor, dies middle-aged, and often
broken-hearted, leaves no money, and
iz rewarded for a life of toil with a free
obituary notice in the nuzepapers.
The American Flag.
Whoever attempts to haul down the
American Flag shoot him on the spot.
Whoever attempts to flag the Ameri
can Haul spot him on the shoot.
Whoever attempts to shoot the Amer
ican Spot haul him on the flag.
Whoever attempts to haul the Ameri
can Shoot flag him on the spot.
Whoever attempts to spot the Ameri*
can Flag shoot him on the snoot.
The best lime on record—lunch time.
ill'll#
HARTWELL, GA„ WEDNESDAY. NOVEMBER 30, 1878.
1111.1.110Z1 MI AM. lIILLItOZIMI.
Chronicle A Conetitvtionaliet.
The attempt, partially successful at
present, to array a solid North against
a solid South will continue with vigor
and pertinacity. It cannot be denied
that the South is the bulwark of the
Democratic party, and it is unfortu
nately true that this is the one objec
tionable feature which may make a Re
publican President in 1880, seeing that
the Senate and the House will be in
opposition. We do not think any part
of the country would have cause to re
gret a return to power of the Democ
racy. even under the circumstances
stated ; but no pains will be spared to
make the Eastern and Western masses
so believe. We of the South have but
to put ourselves in their places to un
stand what a tremendous appeal this is
to their still tender sensibilities and
prejudices. We must make up our
minds therefore that a prodigious strain
will be put upon our patience, and that
the chief argument used against us will
lie the solidarity of such States as
South Carolina and Mississippi. It is
true that thousands of colored people
are either not voting at all or voting
with the Democrats ; audit is equally
true that the Radicals themselves have
established the consecration of a pre
cedent that forbids going behind re
turns. But, none the less, will they
have a powerful weapon of offense in
this matter and they will use it with all
the vehemence of brains, wealth, and
machinery in energetic combination.
We should not passively bear these im
putations, but we must keep our tem
pers. There is ample room and oppor
tunity to legitimately give blow for
blow. When we are accused of intimi
dating colored voters, we may. answer
that if any diplomacy is used here it is
not any worse, and not near so exten
sive and reprehensible as that practiced
in the North. General 11. F. Butler,
in the concluding speech of his cam
paign, shows how the Republican saints
manage in sanctimonious Massachu
setts. He said: “Intimidation of
working men and employees of the
strongest character was called for and
vigorously used. Nearly a whole trade,
the shoe and leather trade in Boston,
the largest in the State, closed their
stores on the day of election, that the
merchants might watch and control the
vo‘es of their clerks, partners and
other departments.”
The coercion of white men at the
North is well known, but the saints pre
tend that there is freedom of election
everywhere but in the South, notwith
standing the duress, legislative and in
dividual, put upon thousands of men of
their own blood and race. The New
Orleans Democrat, referring to this
very subject, bits the nail on the head
when it says: “ Mr. Blaine and his
friends knew not what they were doing
when they gave the franchise to the
negro. They' did not know that when
the negro and the white man dwell to
gether. one must rule. Where the ne
gro rules, as DeTocqneville told them
fifty years ago, the white man is anni
lated. Where the white man predomi
nates the negro survives, but as an in
ferior. This is the law of Nature and
of God; and Mr. Blaine, with the
whole Radical party at his back, can
neither change it nor alienate the sym
pathies of the Northern white man
from his Southern brother.”
Autumn Tints.
Josh Lilling*.
Mankind are very proud of their
judgments, but they arc az often con
vinced against what they call’their judg
ments az enny other way.
The world all praze the philosoher,
but toss their peuuys into the caps ov
the monkeys.
It iz alvvuss safe to follow the relig
ious beleaf that our mothers taught us
—there never waz a mother yet who
taught her child to be an infidel.
A sassy man iz either a koward or a
phool —take your choice gentlemen.
Whenever you cum akrust a man who
distrusts everyboddy, you have found
one that it iz safe for everyboddy to
distrust.
If you are in search ova man’s true
karaekter, examine him at home by the
fireside; there he iz the hero ov ocka
shuns, and iz angelik or devilish in spite
ov himself.
Those who have real merit are alwuss
the last ones to see it in themsclfs, and
the first ones to see it in others.
If 1 was going into the hermit bizzi
ness, I would go into the heart of a grate
city rather than into the heart of a
mountain —a grate city iz a grate soli
tude.
Thare iz only one kind ov person who
iz fit to liv in solitude, and that iz the
one who iz capable of adorning enny
posishun in society.
Athens Chronicle: Another victim
to the fascinations of the intoxicating
cup. Mr. J. P. Piedgnr, one of the ope
rators at Princeton factory, was found
dead last Sunday morning, near the
front entrance to the campus. The
Coroner’s jury gave a verdict of death
from excess in drinking whiskey.
•• WOl I.IVT YOU r
Ho told me my lips were the sweetest
And fairest he ever had known,
The bobolink envied my sinking.
Ami the nightengalc mimicked its tone;
My dimples they quarreled with cherries,
Just under eyes tender and blue ;
Mv tresses they angered the sunbeams,
T smiled on him, •* wouldn’t yon?”
•
lie told me my Ungers were dainty,
My lips only moulded to kiss,
“ And wouldn't 1 give one of the sweetest
For such a poor bauble as this?”
Mavbe 1 ought not to have done it.
lint he looked so beseeching and true,
And the ring was so pretty I took it.
And gave him a kiss. “ wouldn't you?”
lie told me there was a dear little cottage
•Just down near the roeks by the sea,
Where the sweet roses nodded a welcome,
And the mocking birds waited for me,
With himself, of course, for a master —
•Twas made plenty large for us two,
I forgot what 1 said, but I'm thinking
I kissed him again, “wouldn't you?”
No Fraud Aluml Him.
Detroit Free /Vi\yh.
Yesterday when a benzineish-looking
man entered a saloon on Grand River
street and stated that lie felt like hav
ing a shake of the ague, the bar-tender
coldly replied that be might have four
of them for all he eared.
“1 have no money, and I must have
a drink of gin or a shake of the ager,”
continued the man
“ No money no gin.”
“Have you no heart?” appealed the
stranger.
“ Yes, sir, but it’s ten years since I
saw a man with a shake, and 1 shall
really enjoy your performance. Please
let me know when the show begins.”
“ It—it (shiver) will begin (shiver)
right o-f-f!” stammered the man, and it
did. Ilis lips turned blue, bis hands
grew cold, and lie shook. At the first
shake a brick fell from his coat-pockets.
At the next an egg-plant was shaken
from another. In about a minute lie
shook down four onions, an empty oyster
can, a ball of string, two new pie-tins, a
stove-handle and about 20 cigar-stubs.
Where they came from no one could
see, but every shiver was accompanied
by a rattle and din.
“ Got it pretty hard,” remarked the
snlodliist.
“This is only the b-b-beginning,”
shivered the man, as he backed up to
the stove. There was no fire in it, and
the pipe was shaken down in a minute.
Iu tlie confusion two tables were upset
and a decanter knocked off the counter,
and a free fight ensued between five or
six men. When peace reigned the man
with ague was found on a barrel outside
shaking so that the iron hoops rattled.
You scoundrel!” shouted the sa
loonist.
“ Don't I s-shake?” inquired the man,
“and can I help shaking?"
“ You have damaged me SSO worth !”
“ I’m s-sorrv, but didn’t I warn you,
and d-didn’t you want to see this per
per-perforinancc? Do you s’pose I'm a
fraud, and that 1 ggo round per-per
forming for nothin'? E-fifty dollars is
my l-lowcst figger, sir, and I s-sornetimes
get a hundred!”
Paying in Promises.
Abbeville. (S. C.) Medium.
“I brought up some cotton to-day and
sold it but I had to pay taxes, buy some
provisions and settle up my guano ac
count and am dead broke. 1 had in
tended calling 'round and paying for
my paper, but haven’t got the money
just now—will be in town again some
day and see what I can do for you.”
“Hope deferred niaketh the heart
sick,” and we are tired of such empty
promises as this —the very cast wind of
indefiniteness. Why have we to wait
until every store account, guano bill
and tax execution arc satisfied? If the
paper ain’t worth the subscription price
nobody will force you to take it, blit
i don’t call around at the office and say
you want it and that you will pay for it
and then never do it. Our subscription
| money, although it is but two dollars, is
jof as much consequence to us as the
merchant’s store account or the guano
agent's bill. Publishing a newspaper
is no child’s play. It is a constant,
steady expense. It takes time and tal
ent and money. It is an every-day, all
year job, through storm and sun, week
in and week out. The profits of the
business, even under the most prosper
ous conditions, are very small. Come;
up, then, and pay your subscription,
pay it promptly, pay it in full and pay
it in money. Sell your wood to some
body else and bring us the cash, turn
your potatoes into money, drive your
ducks to some other market. You
wouldn’t think of paying your phy.-i- ■
cian in pinders or a lawyer in ’possum
grease—why bring such trash to publish
ers and try to palm it off on them for
money they have worked for and hon
estly earned. “ I will pay you in the
fall ” and “ I’ll call’round again” ain't
worth a cent. You can’t buy a box of
blacking or a pound of cheese with any
such currency.
The Jens as a People
The editor of the London Truth is
himself a Jew, and a very able one,
and he makes the following remarks;
j “ 1 have never understood the touchiness
of the Jews at being called Jews, even
w hen the term is used rather ns a desig
nation of race than opprobriotislv. I
j see nothing to lie eitlier particularly
ashamed of, or to bo particularly proud
i of, in being a Jew. In England Jews
have a great advantage over Christians,
because while they have the advantage
of being Englishmen, they also have
the advantage of belonging to a power
ful fraternity, hound together like Free
Masons, ever ready to support any of its
members. No people are more exclu
sive than Jews, and no people have
more marked traits of character. Let
an Englishman and a Jew have the same
fortune, and the latter will spend more
than the former. Out of business they
are more ostentatious, more liberal and
more el aritablo than Christians. I
would rather, with an eye to mv own
interests, do business with a Christian
than a Jew; but were Ia beggar, I
would rather beg of a Jew than of a
Christian.
Curious Facts About liliiul Torn.
An exchange has these interesting facts
; about “ Blind Tom,” the celebrated col
ored pianist: Blind Tom’s birthplace
is Georgia, and he began to excite atten
tion ns a musician at the age of four
years. All sounds afforded him delight;
even the crying ofa child caused him to
dance about in a state of ecstucy. When
at home ho often bit and pinched his
brothers and sisters to make them emit
cries of pain. If kept away from the
piano, lie would beat against the wall,
drag chairs about the room, and make
all sorts of noises. When in London a
(lute was produced for him of a very
complicated pattern, and having twenty
two keys. He frequently rises up at
night and plays this instrument, imitat
ing upon it all sorts of sounds which he
may hear at the time. Once, when an
agent attempted to make him stop play
ing a piano in a high-toned hotel at three
o’clock in the morning, Tom seized him
and threw him through the door. In
Washington he threw a man down stairs
who came into his room. When at home
in Georgia he lives in a building nbo t
two hundred yards from the house and
there remains alone with his piano, play
ing all day and night, likeone possessed
with madness. Bad weather has an ef
fect upon his music. In cloudy, rainy
seasons, he plays sombre music in minor
chord : and w hen the sun shines and the
birds sing he indulges in waltzes and
light music. (Sometimes he will hammer
aw ay for hours, producing the most hor
rid discords imaginable. Suddenly a
change comes over him and lie indulges
in magnificent hursts of harmony tikon
from the best productions of the mas
ters. He played nearly as well at the
iige of seven as he does now. But now
his repertoire is much larger, as he can
play anything he lias ever heard. He
now plays about seven thousand pieces,
and picks up new ones everywhere.
A Womau with a New Pair of Shoos.
I’itfhburg Commercial Gazette.
When a woman lias anew pair of
shoes she performs altogether different
from a man. She never shoves her toes
into them and yanks and hauls until she
is red iuthe face and all out of breath,
and then goes stamping and kicking
around, hut pulls them on partway
carefully, twitches them off again to
take a last look and see if she lias got
the right one, pulls them on again,
looks at them dreamily, says they are
just right, then takes another look, stops
suddenly to smooth out a wrinkle, twists
around and surveys them sideways, ex
claims: “Mercy, how loose they arc,”
looks at them square in front, works her
foot around so they won’t hurt her quite
so much, takes them off, looks at the
heel, the toe, then bottom and the inside,
puts them on again, walks up and down
the room once or twice, remarks to her
better half that she won't have them at
any price, tilts down the mirror to see
how fhey look, turns in every possible
direction, and nearly dislocates her neck
trying to see how thoy look from that
way, backs off, steps up again, takes
thirty or forty farewell looks, says they
make her feet look awful big and never
will do in the world, puts them off and
on three or four times more, and a.-ks
her husband what he thinks about it,
and then pays no attention to what he
says, goes through it all again and final
ly says she will take them. It's a very
simple matter indeed.
For severe burns, takeuuslackcd lime
and pour water on it. When the water
is drawn off clear, mix flax-seed oil with
it until it becomes yellow and thick like
syrup. Apply to burns at any stage,
the earlier, however, the better. We
publish this because we are confident it
is tbe best application in severe cases, as
well as slight burns. —South Georgia
Agriculturist.
The deaths from yellow fever in the
South, since the commencement of the
dreadful epidemic, now aggregate some
thing over twelve thousand.
There is no more irnplaceable enemy
than hr who feels he has wronged you.
WHOLE NO. 117.
THE PEACEFUL REVOLUTION.
What a All rend Vnrlliprii Hc|Mililicnu
Hay* About It.
&e*]lold't Letter lo Cincinnati Cumnrmal.
The more I see of the condition of
affairs here the more am I convinced of
' the utter and entire hopelessness of the
attempt of the Republicans to do any
thing as a party-. They had as well
disband at once, make terms with the
enemy and how to the inevitable. The
record of the party is such, and the
bitterness of the whites so great, that
nothing hearing the Republican name
can survive locally in power here. Un
der our form of government there is
absolutely no remedy for this, no way
fo prevent a powerful and embittered
minority from overcoming a weak and
defenceless majority. South Carolina
is lost to the Republicans, nnd will
hereafter be as Democratic as Georgia.
I asked the postmaster here, an in
telligent colored man, if he also thought
the case entirely hopeless. He said lie
did. The Republican party was de
parting this life in South Carolina
about as fast as anything lie knew of.
If it was lawful and possible to station
flic whole United States army in the
State, with a detachment in each dis
rict, the party might l>e saved so long
ns the army remained, but, the moment
the army was withdrawn, down would
conic the w hole fabric.* It can't stand
alone any more than an empty- hag in u
heavy wind.
If there was no other objections, (and
there are many) Congress has forbidden
he use of the army for such purposes,
and prosecutions under a
section of the Revised Statutes don’t
amount to a row of pins. So there is
no wav hut to fold our arms under the
I Constitution and see the Republican
party in South Carolina ground into
the sand. But it's an ill wind that
blows no good. With the end of the
party here will end the race antagon
ism. the riots, the outrages, ami the
massacres. These have long since
ceased in Georgia and in every' other
Southern State where the Republican
party has not vexed the white people
by existing. The hopeless condition
of the blacks here is last drawing upon
them, and they are bowing to the inevi
table. Hence the formation of Demo
cratic clubs among thorn, and their
“cheers” for the Democratic speakers.
But those only come from the
throat. In his heart the darkey wishes
the grand old Democratic party in per
dition. The North, whence they look
ed for support has abandoned them.
State after State has wheeled into the
Democratic column, and they' submit,
as they- submitted in slavery, because
it is their nature. Indeed, if [ was a
South Carolina negro, owning no prop
erty hilt seven ol.il Iren and two dogs,
(which is the average,) and working for
ten dollars a month, I don't believe I
would risk my- life and alienate my
white neighbors in an etfort to keep
John Patterson in the United States
Senate. The very presence of l’alter
son in official position has caused many
a poor darkev to suffer. When the
whites look at this man they feel like
killing six niggers. Nothing less will
alford an escape-valve for their pent-up
leeli ngs.
The Champion.
Virginia (A’<**.) Chronicle.
“Thelaziest duffer I ever seed,” re
marked Jim Blodgers, “were a man
that the hoys used to call Old Laydown.
They couldn't find out his fust name,
cause lie were too lazy to recollect it.
lie b’longed to the same sekret society
ns me mid we paid him $lO a week ben
efits for three weeks. Said he hurt his
leg. Found afterwards by the doctor,
and a dozen eye witnesses that he in
jured his shins l>v walkin’ up agin a cob
web. Fact. Lazy? You bet lie were
easy goin.’ One afternoon he fainted in
the street and were brought home to
bed. We weren't to be catclied this
week on benefits. Baid he had fainted
from loss of blood. Doctor examined
liim and found a mosquito bite under
bis left ear. Fact. You bet he took
things comfortably. He used to lure a
small boy in warm weather to hold his
straw for him while he sucked his
sherry cobbler. Axed me one day if
there weren't some cheap way of work
in’ a tooth-brush by machinery. Said
lie wished he could eat without workiu’
his jaws—'feared they would wear out
too soon. Fact. Well, I don’t mind if
I do.
Woman’s Loro for the Beautiful.
Virginia (Xev.) Chronicle.
A woman went into a barber shop on
C. street some weeks ago and wanted to
know how much it would cost to dye a
man’s Hair and moustache. The price
was named, and she then asked the bar
ber to get his dye and follow her.
“ Why can’t the man come here?”
asked the barber.
‘‘He’s dead,” replied the woman,
“and the last thing he said when ho
was passing away, was : ‘ Sally, fix me
up pretty for the funeral.” Ilis hair
curled beautifully, but was a little gray.
“ It wont look well to sec a woman cry
ing round a coffin with an old gray
bearded man in it. So I want him fix
ed up a little. He was always a beauty
when he had his hair dyed. I know
I’d want mine fixed that way if I was
gray and dead.”
The barber dyed the man’s hair in
the highest styfe of the art, and the
widow remarked, when all was over,
that “He was the loveliest corpse ever
buried on the Comstock.”
Fall openings—chestnuts.