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A FUNNY STORrWITH A MORAL.
Stillwater Lumberman.
We do not think, Maria Ann and I
do not, that Rev. Mr. Tuuker has any
right to 'go around talking about us in
the way he docs. Of course we are wil
ling to admit that this whole business
has been unpleasant for him, but it hus
been unpleasant for us, too, and it would
be no more than Christiun-like in Mr.
Tuuker 10 come to the house again uud
give us a chance to explain the mutter,
and to beg his pardon, for we are wil
ling to beg his pardon, and he ought to
apologize to us for talking the way he
has. As for young Scissors, he can
turn up his nose at our Susan Jane all
he likes. Everyone knows that he was
crazy to get her, and would be now, if
he thought he had any chance. We
ought not to be blamed about this any
more, because we have sold the parrot.
I bought that parrot of a man from
California. Ido not know where he got
it, but the parrot had been carefully
traiued, so that if you asked it “ Where
did you come from?” it would reply
“Yuba Dam,” just like a member of
Congress. Indeed, from having sugar,
etc., given him for making his answers
promptly, the parrot had reached that
stage when he was yelling, “Yuba
Dam” at all hours of the day, real so
ciable. I used to sit for half an hour,
after dinner, half asleep, listening to
him. It seemed just like a political
meeting.
A few days after I bought the parrot
Susan Jane (she is Maria Anu’s young
est sister) ciune in looking very much
pleased, and said that Mr. Scissors, the
dry goods man, was going to call that
evening. I said I should be pleased to
see him, at which Maria Ann snickered,
and the parrot sung out “ Yuba Dam !”
Scissors came about dark, and I ask
ed him into the library to have a cigar,
but he refused, and the parrot remarked
“Yuba Dam” again, and made both
the women laugh. As Scissors would
not go into the library, I sat down in
the parlor and entertained him the best
way f could until 9 o’clock, when he
left very hurriedly, and slammed the
front door so vehemently that it was
rather a relief to me that the noise
roused the parrot sufficiently so that he
could murmur, “ Yuba Dam.” Susan
Jane did not speak to me, for some rea
-Bon, for several days. One afternoon
she returned from a walk as cheerful as
ever, and Mr. Scissors was coming again,
I thought Mr. Scissors must find me
more entertaining than I found him, and j
I told my wife that as Scissors did not
seem to be much of a conversationalist,
perhaps we had better have a little
whist or oribbage to entertain him.
“ You old fool,” said my wife.
“Yuba Dam,” said the parrot.
Then my wife explained that Scissors
did not care anything about me, but he
was coming to see Susan Jane.
“ Why,” said I, “he ain’t courting
Snsan Jane, is he?” and then Susan
Jane looked as blushing and happy as
as an angel, and the parrot yelled, “ Oh,
Ho, Ha-a-a-a; Yuba Dajn.”
So I did not go into the parlor that
eveuiug, and as Maria was busy darn-!
ing stockings, and could not talk much,
I retired early and wa3 soon asleep.
Several hours later Maria woke me up.
“J. Joshua Jenking. it is raining
pitchforks,” she said. I agreed that it
did sound that way. She added, “It
would be inhuman to let Scissors go
home in such a storm. lie ought to
stay all night.”
I told her that it appeared to me he
had stayed all night, but she hushed me
up, and I started for the parlor. She'
grabbed me by the coat skirt just as I
was about to open the parlor door, say
ing, “ Well, if you ain’t the biggest
idiot!”
Then she knocked chairs together,
and hit her hand against the door-knob
once or tw ice, made a variety of noises,
and then told me I could go on. All
her trouble w as needless, for w hen I went
in Susan sat on one side of the parlor,
and Scissors on the opposite side, and
they were talking about a war in Mexi
ico. Scissors thankfully accepted my j
invitation, and I showed him to a room,
but he did not have a great deal of time
to sleep before breakfast was ready.
I brought the parrot out of the par
lor, because I thought it would be amus
ing to hear him talk while we were eat- ,
ing, and that ill-omened bird squinted *
at Mr. Scissors a few r moments and then
went off:
Ah-a-a-a,” just as fast as he could
jabber “ Scissors, Scissors, Sc-r-r-r, Yuba
Dam. Oh, you quit. You’re mussing
my hair all up. Yuba Dam, Scissoss,
Sc-r-r-r. Oh, I’llscrtam!”
You never saw anyone blush so red
as Susan Jane did, and Mr. Scissors was
VOL. Ill—NO. 17.
so embarrassed that he put sugar on his
beefsteak, and dipped mustard in his
coffee. Maria kicked my shins under
the table until she abraded the cuticle
in scvernl places, and finally she told
me to take the horrible parrot into the
wood-shed. 1 did not go at once, be
cause the parrot was saying things that
I had never heard him say before. I
remarked that the intelligence of par
rots was wonderful.
“ That bird,” said I, “ must think.
He never heard any one talk that way."
But just then Marie kicked me so hard
that I stopped talking to feel of my leg
and see whether it was brokeu in one
place or two places.
“ The parrot went right on, “ Oh, Su
san ! Darling Susan Jane," and then he
made a smacking noise, with his hill.
“My Susan,she should have a carriage
and a diamond ring, and go to Paris,
O-o-o-o Yuba Dam,” and then he smack
ed his bill as though he were crazy.
Susan Jane began to cry, and Scissors
threw a biscuit and knocked the cage off
of the chair, where it stood, and yelled,
“ You be damned your owu self. I nev
er said so.”
“ You did,” said Susan,and w ith that
she fainted away, and Mr. Scissors left.
I told Maria that I would sell the
parrot. He seemed to nave more intel
ligence than discretion. But I could
O
not find a purchaser that forenoon, and
in the afternoon Rev. Tuuker called.
Maria met him at the door, full of her
trials, and began : “ Oh, Mr. Tunker,”
“ Yuba Dam,” replied the parrot, and it
souuded as though Maria Aim made the
whole remark. Mr. Tuuker looked very
much horrified, and Maria tried to ex
plain, “ Why, Mr. Tuuker, if you
think I could use such language”—,
“Yuba Dam” yelled the parrot, and
Mr. Tuuker whirled and walked away,
pulling his hat over his eyes with both
hands.
I set the cage in the back yard and
turned a barrel over it and kept the par
rot there on bread and water until I got
a chance to soil him, but neither Mr.
Tuuker nor Mr. Scissors called at our
bouse any more.
Bridging the Bloody Chasm.
Uparta (<?n.) Timet.
A touching scene was witnessed at
this place on last Wednesday while
Judge Marks was speaking. Referring
to the war he said : “ I see before me
my gallant friend, Col. Byrd. During
the late unhappy rebellion he was on
one side, fighting for what lie thought to
be right; Iw as on the other, fighting
for what I thought to be right. This
calls to my mind an old mail in Vir
ginia who had two boys. The elder fell
marching beneath the Stars and Stripes,
the younger battling for the Lost Cause.
After the war the old man gathered up
their bones, brought them home and laid
them side by side in one grave. Above
them he erected a single shaft, on one
side of which was inscribed,. ‘Sacred to
the memory of my eldest son, who fell
fighting under the Stars and Stripes.’
On the opposite side was inscribed, ‘ Sa
cred to the memory of my youngest
son, who fell fighting for the I-ost Cause.’
Higher up, in the center, in hold char
acters, was this inscription: ‘God knows
who was right.’ High above this was a
snow-white banner, on the folds of which
was written with an invisible hand,
‘ God knows who was right.’ That old
man there erected a platform long enough
broad and strong enough for the w hole
American people, both North and South,
to stand upon. And upon this platform
to-day, Col. Byrd, (advancing toward
him,) forgetting the past, allow me to
shake you by the hand as a brother.”
Col. Byrd here arose and advanced to
meet him, and the two brave soldiers
joined hands amid the deafening ap
plause of the spectators.
There are various kinds of dignity.
There is the dignity of distance or re
serve, and of nearness or familiarity.
The majority of the world would seem
to term that which keeps itself distant
“ dignity,” and it is a common sajdng
that “ familiarity breeds contempt
yet withal this, give us that kind of
dignity that will endure familiarity. A
mere fool can appear dignified by keep
ing himself at a distance, while only
the highest kind of a man or woman
can be familiar and yet dignified.
HARTWELL, GA., WEDNESDAY. DECEMBER 18, 1878.
A Beautiful Girl Found Hanging.
Just ns we arc going to press, says an
exchange, we are startled with the full
details of a sad event, which will, no
doubt, cast a gloom over this communi
ty. For the present, out of respect for
the parents of the lady, we refrain from
publishing the names of the parties in
the scene described below. For the last
twenty years there has lived in this town
an eminently respectable family, the
pride of w hose household was a charm
ing daughter of 18. She was as beau
tiful as the ideal of a poet, and as re
markable for her intelligence as for her
surpassing loveliness. Her eyes were
like stars of a summer night, and her
form, warmed by the blood of woman
hood was as graceful as that of a Gre
cian goddess. Her hair hung in golden
ringlets over her pearly shoulders like
molten gold, and her c herry cheeks, as
soft as velvet, looked like roses mingled
with snow. Asa natural result one
would expect that a creature possessed
of such charms of mind and fbrra and
feature would awaken the grand passion
in some man’s bosom ; and such was the
case*. For several months past a fasci
nating young man hns been paying her
the most devoted attention. He, too,
was handsome and intelligent. Her fe
male friends would occasionally tease
her about him, and a flood of conscious
blushes would irradjate her beautiful face
at the very mention of his name. Ev
erything seemed to pass along smoothly
for a while, when all of a sudden she
lost her spirits and wore a look of mel
auchollv. Her musical laughter, like
crystal dew-drops upon the silvery leaves,
was bushed, and she seemed like a lily
which had been made to wither and
fade by the burning rays of the summer
sun. Her pareuts became anxious about
her condition, and watched over her
with tender solicitude; although fre
quently questioned as to the cause of her
sadness and depression of spirits, she
made no reply, except in an equivocal
kind of style, that rendered confusion
worse confounded.
Yesterday evening about eight o’clock
she was missed from her home, and the
worst fears of her parents were excited.
They sought high and low, but she was
nowhere to be found. Finally her fa
ther remembered that of late she had
been in the habit of sitting, sad, weep
ing, and distracted, in a vine covered
arbor, and as that distracted father
gazed upon the scene that met bis view,
rendered more dismal by the low, glim
mering rays from the pale orb of the;
night, his cheeks turned pule, and the
heaving of his bosom plainly told that
it was filled with the deepest emotion.
There before him was his beautiful
daughter, her tall, graceful form array
ed in spotless white, her long, golden
hair streaming like a flood of down to
the waist, hanging—oh, think of it young I
man and maidens, and parents !—hang
ing with her arms —around her lover’s
neck and her head pillowed on his man
ly breast.
Who are the Rich *
The man with good firm health is
rich.
So is the man with a good clear con
science.
So is the parent of vigorous, happy
children.
So is the clergyman whose coat the
little children of his parish pluck, as
he passes them in their play.
So is that wife who has the whole
heart of a good husband.
So is the maiden whose horizon is
not bounded by the “ coming man,”
but who has a purpose in life whether
she ever met him or not.
So is the young man who, laying his
hand on his heart, can say, “ I have
trJated every woman I ever saw as I
should wish rny sister treated by other
men.”
So is the little child who goes to sleep
with a kiss on its lips, and for whose
waking a blessing waits.
Snipkins refused to get his wife a
new hat for Easter, and soon after their
little girl came in and said: “ Slarna,
won't you buy me a monkey to play
with, when you go down town t" No,
darling—wait till you are older, and
then marry one, like I did, replied the
grief-stricken wife, her tears bursting
forth afresh.
OH t CAJCT NHET
My Arabeller,
So ripe and tneller,
And goodness!
Can’t she love a feller!
Her eyes are blaek.
And pink her smeller,
And goodness !
Can’t she bug a feller !
Her cheeks are red,
Her hair is yeller,
And goodness !
Can’t she kiss a feller.
“Mj Sou, Jesus Christ Can Set You Free.”
The following true story is so good
that, having heard it told a few days
since, we deemed it worth repetition.
It is a scrap of the life of Major C’., a
Christian gentleman well known in
both Chicago and St. Louis. At one
time, although reared in a delightful
Christian home, he Iftul secretly indulg
in the “ mocker,” till he could no longer
conceal it from bis wife, llis father
and mother were spending the season
with him. On one evening, unable to
hold out longer, he came in quite visi
bly under the influence of wine, lie
could not lail to see tlmt his family
L *
were all grieved and shocked, and em
barrassment ensued, lie walked out
in restlessness. At length, passing his
mother, with tears streaming down her
cheeks, he heard her say, “My son,
‘Jesus Christ can set you free.” lie
passed on to an upper room, where some
boon companions had been invited to
assemble at nine o’clock. He approach
ed the wine table, and, turning out a
glass, suid, “Mother says ‘Jesus
Christ can set me free I wonder if lie
can ; 1 want to be free,” and lie passed
on. While the son paced the floor
aliove, the family prayed below that the
“friends” might be prevented from
coming. Still lie paced, and still ibey
prayed, till long after nine o’clock.
Again and again lie repeated, as lie
walked, “ Mother says Jesus can set
me free.” And he finally kneeled be
fore the wine, saying “ O Lord Jesus !
mother says you can set me free. If
you can, do it; for I want to be free.”
And iie rose and descended to the par
lor, kneeling with the family and say
ing, “ I have told the Lord what you
said, mother, and I believe he will set
me free.”
From that hour lie has been saved
from the fearful appetite, and ever since
he attests the power of the grace of
God to save the inebriate from his ap
petites. This is the proper channel
through which to save the enslaved. It
is this Christian element which is to re
form society. It is iu this path that
the Woman s Christian Temperance
union is trying to work, and pray, and
believe.
A Just Rebuke.
I once heard this anecdote of Judge
Parsons, said the Rev. James Freeman
Clark, the great Massachusetts advo
cate and lawyer. It is said that, being
about to try a mercantile case, he or
dered a jury to be summoned, and
among the names was that of Col.
Thomas 11. Perkins, the leading mer
chant of Boston in that day, and a per
sonal friend of Judge Parsons. When
the officer made his return, lie laid
down a fifty dollar bill before the judge.
“ What is that ?” said Parsons.
“Col. Perkins says lie is very busy
indeed, to-day, and prefers to pay his
fine.”
“Take that back to Col. Perkins,”
said the judge, “ and tell him to come
here, at once ; and if lie refuses, bring
him by force.”
When Col. Perkins appeared, the
judge looked sternly at him, and said,
“ What do you mean sir, by sending
money when you werq summoned to sit
on this jury ?”
Col. Perkins replied: “ I meant no
disrespect to the court, your honor; but
I was extremely busy fitting out a ship
for the East Indies, and 1 thought if I
paid my fine I might be excused.”
“ Fitting out a ship for the East In
dies, sir !” shouted the judge ; “ and
liow happens it that you are able to fit
out a ship for the East Indies ?”
“ Your honor, I do not understand
you.”
“ I repeat, then, my question, how is
it that you are able to fit out a ship for
the East Indies ? If you do not know,
I will tell you. It is because the laws
of your country arc properly adminis-
WHOLE NO. 121.
tered. If they were not, you would
have no ships. Take your scat, sir,
with the jury.”
They Wouldn’t Fight That Way.
About the commencement of the
war, Judge Itice made a speech in south
Alabama, in which he said that the
Southern soldiers could whip the Yan
kees with pop-guns. Since the war he
chanced to make another spoeeli at the
same place.
A big, double-jointed fellow was
present who heard and remembered the
former speech, and, being in no amia
ble frame of mind, concluded to go for
Sam.
Rolling up bis sleeves and popping
his fist into the palm of bis hand, lie
propounded the fearful question :
“ Sav, Sam Rice, didn't you make a
speech here in 1861 ?”
“ I did,” said Sam.
“ And didn’t you say we could whip
the Yankees with pop-guns ?”
“ Certainly I did; but the rascals
wouldn’t fight us that way.”
If we die to-dav, the sun will shine
as brightly, the birds will sing as sweet
ly to-morrow. Business will not be
suspended a moment, and the great
mass will not bestow a thought upon
our memories. “Is bo dead ?” will be
the solemn inquiry of a few, as they
pass to their work. But no one will
miss us, excepting immediate connec
tions, and in a short time they will for
get and laugh as merrily as when we
sat beside them. Thus shall we all
pass away. Our children crowd close
behind us, and they will soon pass
away. In a few years not a living
being can say, “ I remember him.” We
lived in another age, and did business
with those who slumber in the tomb.
This is life ! llow rapidly it passes.
Every day we have evidence that the
small boy Ims no soul. The other day
a crowd gathered around a fanner
whose wagon load of butter and eggs
was fust in a mud hole, and while some
suggested that he pull his horse gee,
and others that lie pull his horse haw,
the ever-present small boy yelled, “ It’s
no use, mister. Yer old horse ain’t
stout enough. Take him out an' hitch
in a roll of ycr butter.”
Pay, pay, pay—everything in this
life is pay. When we are born, doc
tors are to pay ; when we are schooled,
teachers are to pay ; when we are wed,
preachers are to pay ; when we are sued,
lawyers are to pay; when we are fath
ers, merchants are to pay, and so it
goes all the way through life—pay,
pay, pay ; and even at lust, when some
of us have honored the Great Reaper's
sight-draft, there is to pay.
Avoid the companion who jests at
everything! Such people disparage,
by some ludicrous association, all ob
jects which are presented to their
thoughts, and thereby render them
selves incapable of any emotion which
can either elevate or soften them ; they
bring upon their moral being an influ
ence more withering than the blasts of
the desert.
A man in Florida walked ninety-one
miles to vote. Yes, and two minutes
after that fellow was elected, he would
not have given this walkest a chew of
tobacco or a crumb of bread. Men are
very patriotic and liberal while the}-
are candidates, but after they are elect
ed —well, wc can’t do the subject jus
tice—that’s all.
The Cincinnati Enquirer summarizes
the whole situation at Washington in
these head lines over its Washington
special: “The Republicans United,
Saucy, and Eager to Flaunt the Bloody
Shirt. The Democrats, as Usual, Hes
itating, Undecided, and Absolutely
Without a Leader.”
A gentleman in New Orleans was
agreeably surprised to find a plump
turkey served up for hie dinner, and in
quired of his servant how it was ob
tained. “ Why, sir,” replied Sambo,
“ dat turkey has been roosting on our
fence tree nights, so dis morning I
seize him for de rent of de fence.”
A young lady just returned from a
boarding school, on being told by the
servant that they had no gooseberries,
exclaimed : “ Why, what has happened
to-the goose ?” *
i 07R WASHINGTON LETTER.
W.AKMUfoTOK, D. C., Doc. r *, 1878.
The House cu ’\ sterday, the second
day of the sesslcr, passed two appro
priation bills—the Fortification bill,
amounting to $275,000, the same ns
last year, and the West I'oi t. bill,
amounting to about $300,000. '’here
was no opposition and but little dis
cussion. The Appropriation Commit
tee will have its hills ready as fast as
the House can take care of them. On
the larger one there will of course be
debate, but everything so far indicates
a working rather than stalking session.
Even Senator Blaine's buncombe reso
lution as to the intimidation of voters,
which comes up to-day, will probably
pass with littlo or no discussion. The
Democrats will attempt to secure
amendments, hut seem disposed not to
insist on them. Senator Thurman and
perhaps one Southern Senator will
make short speeches. Many bills on
financial subjects have been presented,
but it becomes clearer every day that
none of them will even receive consid
eration until after the fixed day for re
sumption—January Ist.
Secretary Sherman prepared and had
submitted to the House and Senate the
bills providing for the issue by Gov
ernment of certificates for $lO and
larger amounts, bearing interest at 3.65
per cent., and convertible within a year
into 4 per cent, bonds. This will Imre
the earnest support of Secretary Sher
man and other members of the Cabinet.
The interest of yesterday’s session
was almost entirely confined to tho
speech of Senator Stanley Mathews in
support of the bill in the Texas
& Pacific Railroad. Mr. Mathews is a
pleasant speaker, lmd a subject just
now attracting attention throughout the
country, and was attentively listened
to throughout. He claimed that the
contemplated aid would result in great
and general benefit, would not cost the
Government a dollar, and was not a
subsidy. The ablest men in the Sen
ate will be heard on this subject. The
friends of the measure are very san
guine, and apparently, with reason.
General Sherman and Quartermaster-
General Meigs yesterday gave their
opinion at length on the subject of the
Indian Bureau transfer. Gen. Meigs
is an officer of experience and sense,
and has the confidence of Congress to
as great an extent, perhaps, as any
other man living, llis opinion will
have great weight, lie thinks the
transfer will he beneficial to both races.
General Sherman favors it also, but he
is not a man of great influence with
Congress. The proposed change is
certainly growing in favor, especially
since Secretary Schurz says it is im
possible for ins Department to take
care of the Indians without a great
deal more money and without saddling
upon the country anew and numerous
class of office-holders. It is safe to
predict that Government money will
not lie spent loosely as in the past, and
that the Secretary will soon bo laughed
at who proposes to Increase the already
absurdly large number of officials.
Rex.
Is not a detective in the United
States coinage bureau a min's spy?
A loaded pistol was found the other
day packed in a bale of cotton at
Charleston.
A Virginia girl with the whooping
cough drew a bean into her windpipe
and died in a few moments.
Dr. Blodgett, a missionary iu China,
estimates the number of deaths by fam
ine in North China at 10,000,000.
The Ordinary of Gwinnett, accord
ing to the lh raid, issued six marriage
licenses in half an hour, one day last
week.
A colored woman who sat down on a
bee-hive to watch the progress of a fire
in Russellville, left her seat before the
close of the entertainment.
There ought to be some way to put
up good advice in tin cans to he kept
until used. A great deal of it is
thrown about loose and wasted.
Meetings are being held and the
tobacco-producing counties of Virginia
demanding, not only a reduction, but
the abolition of tax on tobacco.
The balance of trade is really a nice
thing. A Nelson farmer brought to
the village, a few days ago, a load of
new wheat and went home with a load
of old rye.
In the forty-second Congress there
were nine negroes; in the forty-third,
seven ; in the forty-fourth, four; in the
forty-’ifth, three; in the forty-sixth
there will be hut one—Bruce, of Miss
issippi.