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A WOMAN OX THE STAXO.
Ml*a MRiimlK'* Ktidrutc In • Cmc nl
4'*nrl.
BY PLEASANT RIDKRHOOD.
Detroit Frto Frett.
An important case of assault and
battery, Shank vs. James, was up for
committal trial before Mr. Lytle, the
Dingyburg Justice of the Peace. Miss
Artmesia Pipes, the principal witness,
indeed the only one of any importance
in the case, was preparing to give her
evidence, which preparations consisted
in a playful sporting with her be-rib
boned turkey tail fun and the wreath
ing of coquettish smiles on her crow
footed and thickly floured face.
“ ’Twas ’bout water-millions an’ tur
keys,” she airily began, pleased with
the interest her entrance hail created
and elevated by the important role she
was about to act. “ Water-millions an’
turk—”
“ One moment, if you please.” inter
rupted Mr. Lytle, who—although he
disregarded many of the usual formal
ities himself and took many short cuts
to justice when occasion suited, as for
instance, if it was about dinner time—
never lost an opportunity of impress
ing his hearers with the majesty of the
law. “ One moment, Miss Pipes, until
you have been duly sworn as a witness
your words fall upon this honorable
court like ocean spray dashing against
rocks.”
“ Oh, I forgot! You see I ain’t used
to swearin’. Get yer book, Jedge, if
you've got airy one.”
The “Jedge” held his spectacles on
with one hand, while with the other he
rummaged in an old boot that stood
under the table, and pulled out the
needed volume. The oath was admin
istered with much ceremony, and Miss
Pipes was asked if she could give the
particulars of the disturbance between
Mr. Shank and Maj.^James.
“You’re mighty right, I kin !”
“Do you know the cause of the
quarrel ?”
“ You better bet I do l ”
“You will please omit slang, Miss
Pipes j-our vocabulary seems to be
chuck full of it, and no slang is per
mitted before this honorable court.
Wftat was the cause of the unpleasant
ness ?”
“ Water-millions an’ turkeys. You
see, las’ j’cnr, when the caterpillars was
eatin’ Bp ev'body’s cotton, Mr. Shanks
he slips round ev'ry day unbeknowinst
to Maj. Jeems, and drives the Maje’s
turkej'S in his cotton patch to ketch the
caterpillars. An’ one day Majc he
fines it out, an’ he ups he does an'—”
“ The relation of last year's proceed
ings will be dispensed with for the
present,” said Mr. Lj'tle sternly.
“ Confine your .♦emarks to the events
of last week, Miss Pipes, and state the
immediate cause of the difficult} 7 .”
On being thus checked in her elo
quent flight, Miss Pipes’ plumage—her
f an —-fell. She stiffened up, snapped
bef eyes spitefully and shot out the one
word “liquor.” Then her lips were
closed as firm as if spring-locked and
the key lost. But, after a good deal of
persuasion and adroit questioning, Miss
Pipes continued her testimony. “ You
see it was the Saturday 7 before the sec
oud Sunday in December, an’ me an’
Jake, which is my brother Solymun’s
youngest, an’ a pearty boy he is, con
siderin’ he is a boy 7 —”
Miss Pipes, you will please omit
all reference to your relatives, and in
form this honorable body who began
the fight.”
“Well, that was just what I was
cornin’ to. You see it was the Satur
day before the second Sunday in De
cember, an’ me an’ Jake, which is my
brother Solyraun’s j’oungest —an a
peart boy he is, considerin’ he is a boy,
Jake Pipes is—was goin’ over to Miss
Jeemses’ to help her with her sewin’,
seein’ as how she was behindhan’ witli
it from havin’ a runround on her thim-
ble finger. I mean I was goin’ to sew,
not Jake, he bein’ only a boy, but a
peart one, considerin’ he is a boy—he
was only goin’ ’long with me fur comp
ny like, becus I had ter walk becus old
Peter had hooks in his eyes an’ couldn’t
be rid.”
Miss Pipes here paused in her recital
to catch her breath and toy girlishly*
with the curl that was securelj' tied
with a shoe string to her back hair and
dangled gracefully over her shoulder.
Advantage was taken of this silence,
and the question was asked : “ What
kind of weapon was used ?”
“ Pine knots.”
And who struck the first blow ?”
“ Now, look here ; pap tole me you’d
all be cross-questionin’ me, an’ to look
out and not get ketched.”
“ Do you know who struck the first
The Hartwell Sun.
By BENSON & McGILL.
VOL. IV—NO. lft
blow ?”
“ You’re mighty right I do! ’Twas
Shanks! ’Twas Saturday before the
second Sunday, an’ me an’ Jake, which
is my brother Solytnun’s youngest, an*
a peart lad ho is, considerin’ he i9 a
boy 7 , Jake Pipes is—was goin’ ova to
Miss Jeomeses to help her witli her
sewing, seeing as bow she was behind
hand with it, from having a run-round
on her thimble finger. I mean 1 wus
goin’ to sew, not Jake, he bein’ only a
boy, but a peart one he is, considerin’
he is a boy ; an’ he wus only goin’ ’long
for compn’y like, becus 1 bad ter walk
beeus old Peter lmil hooks in his eyes
an’ couldn't be rid. An’ Jake, ’stid o’
keepin’ in the path, kep’ dodgin’ in
an’ out the bushes, till the fust thing I
knowed Jake he called me. ‘ Oh, Aunt
Magnesia!’sez lie. My right name is
Artemesia, but Jake always calls me
‘ Aunt Magnesia,’ becus Pm so fair like.
‘ What ?’ sez I. ‘ I've ketched a possum
a 7 you orter see how he sulls,’ sez
Jake. * Bring him out. Jake,’ sez I.
Jake brung him out an' axed me if I
didn’t want to buy him, but I sed no.
You see I like possum, but possum don’t
like me. So Jake said he’d take the
possum an’ sell him in Dingyburg; an’
’thout waitin’ to hear any 7 ruthers
whether I wanted to let him go or no,
off he scoots down the wise road like
greased lightnin’ an’ leaves me aggin’
on behine, an’—”
“This august body before which you
are now assembled is not interested in
the ‘scootin’ of Jacob Pipes, ma’am,
and I am compelled to request that yon
will confine yourself to facts pertaining
to the case of Shank vs. James,” said
Mr. Lytle, with a judicial frown above
his spectacles, those formidable green
goggles that are never taken from their
hiding-place in the old boot except
when Mr. Lytle is performing hits duty
as judge.
•• Dill )uu Pit y tWai MuJ. *Jouivo
struck Mr. Shanks with a pine-knot ?”
a quavering-voiced, treble-toned young
lawyer, on his “first feet” as a disciple
of Blackstone. lie had volunteered as
counsel for the plaintiff “by way of
practice,” he said to himself.
Miss “Magnesia” scrutinized him
carefully, as if taking his mental meas
ure, and, after keeping him in suspense
some time, said curtly, “ Did I say it ?”
The .young man blushed, but quickly
recovered himself and asked the ques
tion again; this time with such a
sweet, pink smile that Miss Pipes was
quite captivated, and looking tenderly
at him over the top of her feather fan,
began again :
“ You see, sir, I haven't come to the
fightin’ part yet, but I’m mose to it if
you won't stop me. Pap tole me to
look out an’ not be ketched, an' not to
answer any more questions than—”
“ Time presses, Miss Pipes. The ad
vice of your paternal relative was good,
but irrelevant to the subject now in
hand. At the present rate of proce
dure this case will occupy a week of
our valuable time. Please be more
concise in yoor replies,” said the Jedge,
with starched voice and manner.
“ Won’t get through till kingdom
come if you don’t all quit stopping me
every minute," replied Miss Magnesia,
testily. “ Pears to inc like you all
want me to commence backwards in
tell in’ ’bout the fight, and put the cart
before the boss. Water-millions an’
turkeys was the fust trouble. ou see
when the caterpillars was jus’ goin’ it
in Mr. Shank’s cotton patch he slips
roun' every day and turns Maje’s tor
keys in to ketch ’em unbeknowinst.”
“ But that was last year, wasn’t it ?”
“ You better bet it was, an’ one day
when the turkeys hopped over the cross
fence into the second cut, where the
water-millions —”
“ The occurrences of last year do
not concern us now. Please consider
the watermelons and caterpillars de
voured, and confine your remarks to
events of the present year. At what
hour did the disturbance begin ?”
“At egzackly 9 o’clock. \ou see
me an’ Jake was on our way — ’
“ When you reached the scene of ac
tion who did you first see ?”
“ The scene of action ? You mean
the turnip patch, where the fight was ?
“ Yes.”
“ Well, when 1 got near there, thinks
HARTWELL, GA., WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 10. 1879.
I to myself, somebody's fussin' niighti
ly. It’s them Bowman boys either
gettin’ up ’nuthcr row or wras’lin' for
fun. You know how boys will do.
| An' jus’ then Jake he comes runnin’
I back with the jiossuni in his arms, all
out of breath. ’Aunt Magnesia,’ sez
liq (my right name's Artemesia, but lie
calls me ‘Aunt Magnesia.’ becus I’m
so fair like.”) Here Miss Pipes paused,
turned her head to one side coquettish
ly and smiled sweetly at the pink-faced
young lawyer. As she bail arrived
near the scene of the disturbance in
her testimony, she was allowed to pro
ceed without interruption, the “ august
body before which she had assembled ”
thinking it best to let her have her own
way. But, to their chagrin, she again
begun at the very beginning. The
embry o Blackstone was about to inter
rupt her, but an old fellow by his side
whispered: “ You might as well let
her tell it her own way, Webster. You
don’t know women folks like I do.
When they start to say anything they’ll
say 7 it or die. ’specially old girls like
her." Therefore the “undeveloped”
tried to possess his soul in patience
while Miss Pipes proceeded: “As I
said before, ’twas Saturday before the
second Sunday, an’ me an’ Jake, which
is my brother Solymun’s youngest —an’
a peart boy he is, considerin' lie is a
boj\ Jake Pipes is—was goin’ over to
Miss Jeemeses to help her with her
sewin.’ her bein’ bellin’ ban’ with it
from havin’ a run-roun’ on her thimble
finger ; 1 mean I was goin’ to sew, not
Jake, he bein’ only 7 a boy, but a peart
one lie is, considerin' he is a boy 7 ; ami
lie was only 7 goin’ 'long for company
like becus I had tsr walk, becus old
Peter had hooks in his eyes an’ could
not be fid. An’ Jake 'stid o’ keeping
in the path, kept doging in and out the
bushes, till the fust thing. I knowed
Jake he called me : ‘ Oh, Aunt Hague
„;a |> L,. lu X.v
mesia, but Jake always calls me Aunt
Magnesia, becus I'm so fair like.
‘What!’ sez I. ‘ I've ketched a pos
sum, and you orter come here an’ see
how he lays on this here log and sulls,’
sez he. ‘Bring him out, Jake, I don't
keer to see him sulk’ sez I. So Jake
brung him out from the bushes and
axed me if I didn’t want to buy him,
but I said no. You see, I can't eat
possum. I like possum, but possum
don’t like me. So Jake said he’d take
the possum and sell him in Dingyburg,
and without waiting to hear my ruthers
whether I wanted to go or no, off lie
scoots down the wire road like greased
lightnin’ and leaves me agging on be
hind. And when I got near Major
Jeemses turnip patch, thinks I to my
self, somebody's fussing mightily; it's
them Bowman boys either getting up
another row or wrasling fur fun, like.
And just then Jake he comes a-runnin’
back with the possum in his arms, all
out of breath. ‘Aunt Magnesia,’ sez
ne. My right name is Artemesia, but
Jake he always calls me Aunt Magne
sia, becus I’m so fair like. ‘ What ?’
sez I. * You orter run on and see em.
They’re just agoing it!’ So I hurries
on, and sucli a whooping and a holler
in" I never did hear! Sounded like a
’nazherie turned loose ! And when I
come to a turn in the road, just the
other side of where that big chincapin
tree had fell, I seen ’em a goin’ it.”
“ Saw who a goin’ what?”
At this double question of Mr.
Lytle’s everybody in the room leaned
forward and listened eagerly. The
disturbance had created much excite
ment in Dingyburg, and occasioned
many minor dispnlen between the
friends of the two contending parties.
Even Mr. Lytle became so intensely
interested that he laid aside the green
! <roor<des and his judicial sternness.
I o SO ~
“ Saw who agoing what!” was re
peated nervously.
“ Why, them Bowmau boys a wras
ling” said Miss Magnesia, artlessly,
airily, as she caressingly twisted her
curl that had become unfurled. She
was blissfully unconscious that her last
words had been an electric shock to
the august body. But the undevelop
ed Blackstone soon ‘‘came to” suffi
ciently to ask some question regarding
his client and Maj. James.
“Oh, I didn’t see them! They’d
done fit that fight of them, and gone
Devoted to Hart County.
home ’far® I got there."
" Them how are you prepared to
state t'i jVihftuh struck the first blow ?”
“ We’*’-herns the Major told Miss
Jeems ms! Miss Jmmvih Jokhne. That's
how (sv.i®?*
The J - dge resumed his goggles and
his dlgnijjr, and dismissed the rase.
. field, field, field.
Atlanta ('•n*t\hitum
In the ourse of three months fifty
million Ollars in gold has cone to us
from Ku(o|k\ and our entire production
of Gold-*about three million a month—
has been retained at home. In round
numbers, the conutry held on the first
day of last mouth #605,000,000 of gold
and $121,000,000 of silver. The treas
ury alone contained at that time $171,-
; 000,000 of gold and $55,0t)0,000 of sil
ver. Since the first day of August the
hank of England has lost $64,000.000
of specie, the hank of France $44,000,-
000, and the bank of Germany a little
over $6,000,000. The greater pnrt of
these los.es ciuue to this country- This
drain from Europe and accumulation of
the home' production have gone on until
this gove. nment lias become the great
specie boarder of the world. The fol
lowing table shows the amount of gold
in vault in principal countries on the
first day of last month :
TTnltMl Slates Treasury 1171,517,115
Rank of Kiitflnml 149,6:t4,775
Hunk of Erwin** 1 (15,364,M00
linpprinl Hank of (lonnuny 110,*2H0,©00
National Hunk of
Netherlands Hank 66.M15.000
SwittA Uourordiit Hanks 7,7M5,000
Total #6K1,811,6d8
And still the tide of gold sets this way.
The stock of coin and bullion in the
treasury rose from $167,000,000 in Jan
uary to $225,000,000 at the end of Oc
tober ; and the probability is that nearly
as large gains will be exhibited at the
end of uuother year, as matters stand.
Are we to go on accumulating gold
and silver for the sake of having it on
hand? Shall we continue to hold $250,-
(jOU,Dvft tlittt Utmn UD lincii. vj
pay from $12,500,000 to 15,000,000 in
terest on a similar amount? What in
the name of common sense forbids the
investment of at least one half of this
vast and expensive accumulation of
specie in bonds that can be quickly put
on the market if the purposes of resump
tion so demand? Why levy a tax of
ten million dollars on the people wheu it
can he avoided without incurring any
risk whatever? Why maintain the tax
on matches, or on bank checks, or on
scores of other articles of daily use,
when a turning of a portion of the gov
ernment hoard into government bonds
would do away with one or more of
them? These are questions that Con
gress would do well to consider. It is
called upon to decide between taxa
tion of the people and a glut of specie;
for one or the other policy must he
adopted at the present session. A choice
can not be dodged by Congress, and the
eyes of the people are open.
I’ay Jwlin WfllhiniN.
At a church prayer-meeting not far
from Boston, a man whose credit was
not the best, and who was somewhat
noted for his failure to meet his obliga
tions, arose to speak. The subject for
the evening was, “ What shall 1 do to
be saved ?” Commencing in measured
tones he quoted the passage, “What
shall Idoto be saved ?” lie paused,
and again more emphatically asked the
question, “What shall I do to be sav
ed V Again, with increased solemni
ty and impressiveness of manner, he
repeated the momentous inquiry, when
a voice from the assembly, in dear and
distinct tones, answered: “Go and
pay John Williams for that yoke of
oxen you bought of him !” The re
mainder of the gentleman’s address
was not reported. All present appre
ciated the fitness rA' the unexpected
word in season, and were saved from
hearing a lengthy exhortation from a
swindler’s lips.
The incident has led us to think that
there are a good many people who, be
fore they make much progress in walk
ing the way of salvation themselves or
guiding others therein, will have to go
and pay John Williams, or John some
body else, the money that they honest
ly owe them. There is no man shrewd
enough to pursue a course of dishones
ty and trickery, and still retain the fa
vor of God in this world, or a good
51. 50 Per Annum.
WHOLE NO. 171.
ho|>e of glory for the world to come.
It is best to settle up, square up, and
pay up, and then it will be in order to
talk in the prayer-meetings.
A Hard Whiter.
Detroit Fret I'reer.
During the drizzle yesterday after
noon there was a choice crowd of old
citizens under the porticos of the City
Hall, and one such group was joined hv
a threadbare stranger, who scratched
his itching hack against the carving on
one of the pillars and asked :
“ Gentlemen, is this going to lie a
hard winter?”
“It is!” replied every man together.
“Work will Ik* scarce and provisions
high, eh?"
“ Yos,” they replied.
“ Weather will he so all-fired co!d
that water will burst all the wate* pipes,
I suppose?"
“Yes, it will.”
“Won’t he any show for a poor man
like me?”
“ Not a hit.”
I “ I’d probably freeze to death while
looking for a job ?”
“ You would—you would !”
“ Well, that’s what I thought, and I
want to arrange to go to the work house
for three months. I don’t want to go up
as a vug, because that’s low-down. I’d
rather be charged with assault and but
tery. Will one of you gentlemen please
let me cuff of his hat and then ask the
officer to arrest me?”
After some hesitation one citizens with
more philanthropy than tho others step
ped out. His plug hat was jammed
clear down to his top vest button at n
blow, lie was knocked right and left by
cuffs on the head, nnd as a climax was
whirled around and given several kicks
which weight'd fifty pounds a piece.
“ There 1" said the stranger, as he shut
tiff steam ami slowed upc ** That fixes
both of us, you’ll remetober me nml I’ll
I CllHllWlt I J'SIM, uuu JKJ U UIUJ UUI „„ ||_
,,
cer.
Some of the group called one out of
the corridor, hut the officer said he could
not make such an arrest unless lie saw
the fight or had a warrant.
“Very well,” replied the stranger, as
he moved off, “lam willing to submit
to your mature judgment and experi
ence, and I can’t wait here all day!
Good-bye, prophets! I think my best
way will be to get into Canada and
leave your hard old winter to run her
self.”
A Cow Whip* on Alligator.
A man living at Dooly, Ga., was look
ing for some hogs which lie hud missed
for several days, and was nearing the
river when he heard a cow bellowing.
Upon going to the bank of the river he
saw on a sand bar an alligator, a cow,
and a young ilf. The alligator was
between the cow and calf and the river.
The alligator made a dart towards the
calf, when the cow rushed between them,
and a fearful fight ensued. While this
was raging the calf got into the wood,
and paced about, bleating plaintively.
The alligator was not more than seven
feet long, and struck at the cow furi
ously with his tail. The cow avoided
ns many of the biiows as possible, but re
ceived a number, one of which knocked
her rolling over for about ten feet. The
alligator rushed upon her with open
mouth, and tried to seize her by the
the nose, but she was in time to horn
tire alligator under the throat, and
threw it backward, and before it could
strike another blow or defend itself,
she was on it. The cow tossed the
saurian high in the air, and it fell into
the water with a splash, and did not
venture to land again. The cow after
rushing around looking for her enemy,
ran to her calf, and make tracks through
the woods for home, looking back occa
sionally to see whether she was pur
[ sued.
*
During a school inspection at a town
in Staffordshire, where some Mormons
had been lecturing, the inspector asked
the boys why a man should have only
one wife. “• Because no man can serve
two masters,” was the prompt reply.
“{They are both d—n scoundrels,”
said a fellow-member of Congress to
Thad Stevens, about two applicants for
a seat. “ I suppose so,” said old Thad,
“ but which is our d—n scoundrel?”
A Scoundrel and a Clown,
Baltimore Koeniop Bullet in
Aa wm once remarked, it ia something
fora minister to Ne a gentleman, even if
he cannot ben Christian. But there arc
at lfcMt two ministers In Brooklyn, Niw
York, who do not seem to be able to be
either. Mr. Beecher’s Thanksgiving
■:<rmon indicates that bo is not only
wanting in religion, but in those gen
tlemanly instincts which are supposed
to accompany education nnd intelligence.
He is not only unable to obey tho divino
injunction which commands forgiveness
of metrics, but he lucks even the mag
uanimity of nu ordinary bully and
strikes a fallen foe. lie devoted hwec
e-gieson Thanksgiving day not toprta •!•
mg the gospel of peace, but to proclaim
ing the stalwart gospel of sectionalliaCe;
and to firing the Northern heart. Witln
dial supreme impudence and cheek,
which characterizes the man, lie pro
ceeded in the first |>lace to cxcommaoi*
cnt'the South politically, nnd then tn
rend the people of that section a screro
moral lecture on the dignity of labor.
“The South failed in sympathy with
the workingehused,” he said. “Slavery
was the cancer and the sword was the
scalpel, hut some fibres yet remain in
the body politic. The South is learn
ing to change, but it is still learning.
Nor has the South learned that manly
work is honorable. Work w ith thought
behind it is ennobling, but work in the
South has been under a ban, while at
the North we have worked early and
late, country can prosper unless
men can force nature to turu into prop*
ty, by work, the produce of her breast
Wheu 1 see the conduct of the South on
the question of finance, 1 say that the
Southern statesmen should not be put in
charge of the Treasury. That State in
the Northwest which repudiates its debt
is a shirtne to the nation. State rights
is not yet dead, or if it sleeps, it walks
in its sleep nnd lives on air. (Immense
applause). This is nn argument that
the governing power should not pass in
to the hands of Southern statesmen un
til a generation coaves who know not
Calhoun or Jeff Davis. If tho South
allies itself with those who have protect
ed her she must leave political power.
The voice of the nation proclaims that
those who saved it shall be eutrusted
with power.”
How low must the South have fallen
when such an uucleau dog as this dares
~t her’ .Tin, Christians wonder at
the spread of infidelity in this commj
when adulterers usurp the priestly office
and presume to speak with the voice of
God; when Christian congregations
hang upon their word* with admiration,
and applaud them as they drag their sa
cred office in the mire? Talmage’s
Thanksgiving effort was of the light
comedy rather than of the heavy trag
edy orifer. All the same, however, it
was, in its way, quite as effective a blow
at Christianity as that of Mr. Beecher,
The Tabernacle preacher discoursed on
•' Wheels,” and as a religious harlequin
fairly surpassed himself- After wheel
ing himself through the entire course
of industrial history uud every quarter
of the country, to the infinite amuse
ment of his audience, Mr. Tal mage, in
conclusion, spoke of our resources, and
exhibited specimens of iron, lead, coal,
copper, <fcc., and named the States from
which they came. “And last, but not
least,” he said, “ and I mention it last
because it is the least poetic, the ‘pump
kin ' from Brooklyn. I never pass a
pumpkin field but what I laugh (here
Mr. Talmage laughed like the war
horse that suuffeth the battle afar off)
at the large, portly, aldermauic pump
kin. (iod bless the pumpkin pie!”
This was the benediction. A scoundrel
and a clown! Those bo your gods, O
Israel!
Baptist Banner: The late Federal
Court at Asheville, N. C., was crowded
with criminal cases. Several sent to
Albany, N. Y. Many were sentenced
to the county jails. Why cannot our
wise statesmen learn that it would be
much cheaper to the nation to suppress
the manufacture and sale of spirituous
liquors than to punish the perpetrators
of crime caused by its use, and a thous
and times better? The people ought to
flood our Legislative halls, Htate and
National, with petitions for prohibatory
liquor laws, and vote only for men who
would pass such laws.
Atlanta Phonograph : Lots of money
has been stolen from the State since the
Radicals were given the grand bounce,
but there's hardly a poor man in Atlan
ta who ever received a cent of it. When
Bullock and his crowd done the stealing,
the poor got the benefit of it.
The last time a man goes intoa grave
yard he does not laugh at the style of
the tombstones.