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NIAGARA FALLS.
BY SIJM JIM.
When my friend, Professor Huxley,
was in this country, 1 took him to see
one of the greatest of our American in
stitutions—the Niagara Falls.
The Professor and I used to be boys
and girls together in our school days
at Oxford (Ohio.)
His mother was our family washer
woman.
I never hesitated to associate witli
him on that account, however.
I may be rich and highly educated,
but I am not proud.
Professor Huxley desired to take a
scientific observation of the falls, to
determine whether they were dwindling
away or not; but he refused to under
take the job without my assistance.
As soon as we arrived on the spot,
the Professor saddled his nose with a
pair of forty-horse-power spectacles,
and leveled them at the falls.
I afterwards learned that those spec
tacles were made purposely for this
purpose, and cost upward of fifteen
dollars.
Huxley is very extravagant about
such things.
Now the only glass I used was a ten
cent glass of whisky.
And I arrived at the same decision
he did about the final disappearance of
Niagara.
The only difference was that I could
see double the number of cataracts ob
served by him.
After standing half a day examining
and analyzing the water, drawing nu
merous deductions and a large number
of corks from champagne bottles, get
ting our feet wet and still finding our
selves very dry every fifteen minutes,
we discovered, beyond all question,
that the falls were still there, whatever
miodit become of them in future.
At Professor Huxley’s request, I
then went to the blackboard to make
an exact calculation of the time old
Niagara would require in fading away.
Which I accomplished by the follow
ing correct rule, which is simple enough
when you understand it:
Six is a six; 20 into 30 goes once
and two feet over ; figure is a figure ;
6 times nought is 6 noughts ; nothing
from nothing leaves on the 5 :30 train,
baggage checked for Troy.
The action of water on solid rock di
minishes it at the rate of seven cents
per cubic inch—pa3al>le in advance.
25 into 13 won’t go unless it is cut in
two; 40 times 1 is 41—set down the 1
and carry 4 out on a shutter.
Three is a 3 ; 0 is,half a dozen, and
two pounds and ten inches.
Two is a company, three is a crowd.
The hypothenuse of the parallelo
gram is equal to the square of the base
of the circle; two of them is equal to
twice as much, so the ratio of 1 to 1 is
the same as one to another, or anybody
else.
Nought and six is GO —put down the
six and let the nought take care of
itself. •
Eight noughts is 8 ; 5 and 7 are 11
and one over.
Rub it all out with a damp sponge,
and put down 6,000 years, 12 months,
32 days, 25 hours, 3 minutes and a
quarter.
And you have the exact time that
will be consumed by Niagara Falls in
passing out of existence.
You might object to that quarter of
a minute, but 1 insist on that.
The years may be wrong, but I will
stand up for that quarter of a minute
if I get knocked down.
The professor agreed with me per
fectly—only he intimated that there
might be a mistake of a few centuries.
But you will observe that I reached
the result by a very simple method of
calculation, and there must be some
thing in it.
I am so expert at ciphering that I
can bring about any result I please with
figures.
I used to be a Chicago savings-bank
director.
After all, Professor Huxley adopted
my figures, as his own. and exhibited
it to the world.
So there can be no doubt that the
great Niagara is gradually growing less.
Those who have never seen this mar
velous work of nature, had better go
and look at it as soon as the}' can con
veniently do so.
Or they will miss a grand sight.
The falls are undoubtedly in a state
of decline, and some fine morning you
will go there and find nothing but a
suspension bride and a lot of ruined
hotels to look at.
It is only a question of time.
The Professor and 1 are positively
agreed that, in the course of sixty cen-
The Hartwell Sun.
By BENSON & McGill.
VOL. IV—NO. 47.
turies or *o, the Falls of the Niagara
will be reduced to the height of an or
dinary mill-dam. If this does not oc
cur just as we say, we will make you a
present of a bottle of Hop Bitters—
large size.
Of course, that will be a dam’s height
better than no falls at all, but it won't
be anything to brag about.
Some of us will be grey-headed, no
doubt, before that time comes.
It seems like a long time to wait for
the proof of the statement made by
Professor Huxley and myself.
But there is one consolation :
If there is any truth in the old ad
age that “ Time is Money,” we will all
be as rich as Croesus before our con
sumptive Niagara closes up accounts.
And if Time is money, I wish some
kind friend would giye me change for
couple of months in small bills.
The greater part of my wealth con
sists of shares in that institution.
And I am willing to dispose of them
at a discount.
Huxley and I, having made the re
markable and painful discovery that
Niagara would have to be viewed with
a microscope six thousand years hence,
repaired to the nearest saloon and made
a hasty estimate of the disappearance
of a keg of beer.
Result—one hour and three quarters.
The Professor, however, never drinks
anything stronger than water.
He even weakens that with whisky.
An Ancient Document.
The following are extracts from an
old MSS. in the possession of Air. Z.
Sanford, of Wesport, copied by a great
uncle of his, They show the early
laws of Connecticut, nud contrast
strangely with the sentiments in the
laws now enacted :
“ From the Statute Law Book of
Connecticut, as Revised in October,
1675, and Printed by Samuel Green, of
Cambridge, in 17G5 —page 28.
“ This court being sensible of the
danger persons are in of being poison
ed in their Judgments and Principles
by Ilereticks whether Quakers, Rant
ers, Adamites or sucli like, do see cause
to order, that no person in this Colony
shall give an unnecessary entertain
ment into any Quakers, Ranters, Ad
amites or other Ilereticks upon penalty
of five pounds for every such persons
entertained to be paid by him that so
entertain them, and five pounds per
Week shall be paid by each Town that
shall suffer them entertainment as afore
said.
“It is also ordered by the authority
of this court that it shall be in the
power of the Governor, Deputy Gov
ernor or Assistants to order that all
such Ilereticks as aforesaid be commit
ted to prison or sent out of the Colony,
and no person shall unnecessarily fall
into discourse with anj - such Ileretick
upon the penalty of twenty shillings,
and no person within this Colony shall
keep any Quaker Books or Manuscripts
containing their Errors (except the
Governor, Magistrates and Elders)
upon penalty of ten shillings per time.
“It is also ordered that no master
of any vessel shall land such Ilereticks
in this Colony, if the}' do, they shall
be compellable to transport them again
out of the Colony by Assistant Com
missioner at their first setting sail from
the port where they landed them upon
penalty of twenty Pounds, to be paid
by the said Master as shall not trans
port them as aforesaid.”
The world has grown a little wiser
since the above laws were enacted, but
if some of the bigotted religious enthu
siasts of the present day could have
their way, they would hang all those
who did not agree with them in their
notions, and would usurp all office from
bailiff to governor.
A Georgia paper tells of a man who
went all the way from Cassville to At
lanta. On his return he looked solemn
with the weight of garnered wisdom,
and said : “If the world is as big the
other way as it is that, it’s a whopper.”
N. O. Picayune: The good man says
“ All things are for the best,” and men
tally adds, “ I am the best.”
After a woman has passed ninety she
is proud of her age, says the Detroit
Free Press.
HARTWELL. GA., WEDNESDAY. JULY 21, 1880.
An Arkansas Examination.
Little Botk Oatrtlf,
“ Cap’n” said a colored man, enter
ing the ofllcc of a school examiner
whose skin was so black that to see
him you would think he had spent his
life in boiling crows for dissatisfied
politicians, “ Cap’n,” repeated the visi
tor, lightly tapping on the door facing.
“Well, sah. what is hit P”
“ I’so called rutin’ ter be 'zammoned.
I’se a ’fessional school teacher.”
“ Did you know dab hits a mighty
hot cross-fire ter stan’ under de range
ob de batteries of my knowledge ?”
“Yes, Cap’n,” said the applicant,
“ an’ bein’ proud of my ’complishments
I hez sought you sted ob goin’ ter de
onedycated white ’fessor.”
“ Yer action is dat ob a wise man,
an’ fur sich wisdom ’zibited in de very
bud ob de edycation rose (Oh, l’se
flow’ry) I’ll struct my secretary ter
mark yer one on de sheepskin slifikit
ov knowledge. Dis am figerativc. We
is out ov sheepskins, an in der place
hab substituted coon skins, tanned by
a Arkinsas nigger an’ ketched by ajns
tice ob de peace. Do hit strike yer In
de stomach ob recognition ?”
“Yes, Cap'n,”
“ Wall, now, terde ’zamination. Sec
retary, git down dat brass pen wid a
dog wood holder an’ fetch it lieah, fur
I, in de ’cordance wid ’stmetions, is
gwine ter toat dis man through de new
groun’ ob knowledge whar de briers am
thick an’ whar dar’s many a toe nail
lyin’ mung de grubs. Now fur de fust.
Does yer understan’ gogaphy ?”
“ Oh, yessah, dat’s my best holt.”
“ What does yer know ob grammar ?
Keep yer mouf open, fur I’se de eddy
cational dentist ’zaminju’ de teeth ob
yer lamin’.”
“ I eats up grammar like a man han’-
lin’ greens.”
“ What about de sciences of phlebot
omy ?”
“ I walks all ober dat science on
stilts.”
“ What does yer know about meta
physics ?”
“ De quilt ob m3' bed am patched
wid hit.”
“Mr. Secretary,” said the examiner,
turning to the functional, “ gin dis
man a double stifikit. Recommend
him ter der people ez de ablest man I
hez ’zamined dis yeah. Dar’s yer pa
pers, sail; an’ remember dat de cloud
ob edycation ain a black one. A man
dat show's sich a familiart)' wid science
az you does, iz boun’ one da} T ter put
hiz foot on a white man’s shoulder,
reach up an’ take de gown ob superior
ity from de peg in de wardrobe ob life’s
great competition. Let’s see, five dol
lars for de single ’dorsement, and five
dollars and a half for de double ’dorse
ment. Gimmy ten dollars.”
The money was cheerfully paid and
the man with his blotted coonskin went
out into the world to engage in the
tournament of letters.
Hasty (finning.
The Atlanta Constitution offers some
good advice to farmers in regard to gin
ning cotton. It says: “The highspeed
that some gins are run by steam en
gines in use is getting to be serious,
not that the steam engine as a power
makes the speed greater,” it is the fail
ure of caclulation of the speed to which
gins can be run, and yet not cut the
fibre. As high speed as 430 revolu
tions may be run without injury. Farm
ers should insist that their cotton should
not be handled faster. There is a vast
difference in gins now in use. Some
make smooth, clean sample, others twist
and tough the fibre. Smooth, well-gin
ned cotton is worth from a £ to 1 cent
per pound more than that which is
badly ginned, all being the same natu
ral grade of cotton. Now, farmer, see
that your cotton is properly handled.
If you have to buy a gin, ask your fac
tor or cotton buyer which is the best
gin, and which will do its work best.
Buy'ers are competent to advise you, as
they aie the ones who ought’ to know
when cotton samples well. Do not
stand on a small difference in price be
tween a good gin and an inferior one.”
Boston Transcript: A Meridan man
has a Bible 152 years old. Strange
how long a Bible may be made to last
by temperate usage.
Devoted to Hart County.
The Same Old Game.
N Drtnnt Frit I'rru,
The other afternoon the tools, imple
ments, fixtures, appurtenances and
whatever else belongs to the game of
croquet, were put in position on a lawn
up Wood ward Avenue, and as a young
lady and young man who seemed to be
her lover, took up the mallets to start
the balls, a bony-looking old tramp halt
ed and leaned on the fence and got his
his mouth puckered up for something
good. The young man took the first
shot, and before the ball ceased rolling,
the girl’s voice was heard calling:
“You didn’t knock fair—you’ve got
to try it over!”
Before either of them got half way
down she had occasion to remind him
that he wasn’t playing with a blind per
son, and that she could overlook none
of his Cheating. As she went under
the last arch lie felt compelled to re
mark that her playing would rule her
out of any club he ever heard of. Oil
the way back she asked him why lie
couldn't be an honest man as well as a
jockey and a falsifier, and he enquired
why she didn’t write a set of rules to
tally with her style of playing.
“ It’ 9 coming—tain’t five minutes off,”
chuckled the tramp, as he took anew
grip on the fence and shaded his eyes
with his hat.
“ Don't you knock that ball away!”
shouted the girl a minato after.
“ Yes, I will.”
“ Don’t you dare to.”
“I'm playing according to rules.”
“ No, you aren’t! You’ve cheated
all the way through!”
“ I never cheated once.”
“And now you are adding the crime
of jfeijury ! Sir, I dare not trust my
future happiness to such a man ! I
could uever trust or believe in you.”
“Nor I in you.”
“Then let us part forever!” she said,
as she hurled her mallet at a stone dog.
“So we will!” he hissed as he flung
his at her sleeping poodle.
She bowed and started for the house
to pack up his letters.
He raised his hat and made for an
approaching street car to get down town
in time for the Toledo train.
“That’s all I wanted to know,” sigh
ed the tramp as he turned awaj T . “ I’ve
been out in the woods for a few years
past, and I didn’t know but there had
been some changes made in croquets,
but I see it’s the same old game clear
through.”
Nearly Three Million Soldiers.
A statement has been issued by the
War Department giving the number of
men furnished the Union army by each
State and Territory and the District of
Columbia from April 15, 1861, to the
close of the war of the rebellon. It
shows that the total number of volun
teers was 2,678,967, divided as follows :
Maine, 72,114; New Hampshire, 36,-
620 ; Vermont, 35,262 ; Massachusetts,
152,048; Rhode Island, 23,699; Con
necticut, 57,379 ; New York, 467,047 ;
New Jersey, 81,010; Pennsylvania,
366,107 ; Delaware, 13,670 ; Maryland,
50,316; West Virginia, 32,068; Dis
trict of Columbia, 16,872; Ohio, 319,-
659; Indiana, 197,147; Illirois, 259,-
147; Michigan, 89,372; Wisconsin,
96,424; Minnesota, 25,052; lowa, 76,-
309 ; Missouri, 109,111 ; Kentucky,
79,025; Kansas, 20,151; Tennessee,
31,092; Arkansas, 8,289; North Car
olina, 3,156 ; California, 15,725 ; Neva
da. 1,080; Oregon, 1,810; Washington
Territory, 964 ; Nebraska Territory, 3,-
157; Colorado. Territory, 4,903; Da
kota Territory, 206 ; New Mexico Ter
ritory, 6,561 ; Alabama, 2,576 ; Flori
da, 1,200; Louisiana, 8,224; Missis
sippi, 545 ; Texas, 1,965, and the In
dian Nation, 35,030. The troops furn
ished by the Southern States were, with
the exception of those of Louisiana,
nearly all white. Florida furnished two
regiments of cavalry', Alabama one
white regiment, Mississippi one battal
ion, and North Carolina two regiments
of cavalry.
Rochester Union : A gentleman and
his wife, with two little girls, evidently
twins and about three years of age, were
seated at one of the tables in the dining
room waiting for their breakfast to be
brought to them. One of the little girls
$1.50 Per Annum.
who had been intently observing what
was passing, suddenly turned to her sis
ter and snid: “ Why don’t papa say
draco?” The reply was: “ They ain’t
dot any Dod in Rochester.”
Etiquette In Letter Writing.
As n rule, every letter, unless insult
ing in its character, requires an answer.
To neglect to answer a letter, when
written to, is as uncivil as not to reply
when spoken to.
In the reply, acknowledge first the
receipt of the letter, mentioning its date
and afterwards consider all points re
quiring attention.
If the letter is to be brief, commence
sufficiently far from the top of the page
to give a nearly equal amount of blank
paper at the bottom of the sheet when
the letter is ended.
Should the matter in the letter con
tinue beyond the first page, it is well to
commence a little above the middle of
the sheet, extending as far as necessary
on the other edges.
It is thought impolite to use a half
sheet of paper in formal letters. Asa
matter of economy and convenience for
business purposes, however, it is custom
ary to have the card of the business man
printed at the top of the sheet, and n
leaf is used.
In writing a letter, the answer (o
which is more benefit to you than the
person to whom you write, enclose a
postage stamp for the reply-
Letters should be as free from eras
ures, interlineations, blots and post
scripts as possible. It is decidedly bet
ter to copy a letter than to have these
appear.
A Shrewd Parrot.
A family living in Nashville has a par
rot noted for its wonderful powers of im
itating the human voice. The family
also has a daughter whose especial du
ty is the care of the parrot. The young
lady has a youug man, a recent addi
dion to Nashville society. The young
man called at the house of his lady-love
one evening and pulled the door-bell.
The parrot, sitting in an up-stairs win
dow, heard the jingle of the bell and
called out, “Go to the window. ” The
young man was startled, lie looked at
all the windows below and found them
closed. He pulled the bell-knob again.
“ Next door !” shouted the parrot in a
voice notunlike the young lady’s. The
young man looked up and down the
street in a puzzled sort of way as if it
had suddenly dawned upon his mind
that he had made mistake in the house.
Concluding that he had not, he again
rang the bell. “Go to the house!”
cried Poll from his perch in the upper
window. “ What house? ” exclaimed
the young man, angrily. “The work
house !” shrieked the parrot. The
young man left in rapid-transit time.
Boston Post: As the time for truly
agricultural fairs draws near the com
mittees are hunting around for lawyers
and clergymen to address the farmers
upon agricultural topics.
We have heard of people going to a
drug store after nails, but the latest
oddity in the line is an old lady who
went to a butcher shop and inquired if
they had any liver pads for sale.
When you see a baby, which you
know to have suffered for a long time
with Summer Complaint or Dysentery,
suddenly improve and grow fat and
healthy, you can rest assured that Dr.
Bull’s Baby Syrup has been used.
A citizen of Plymouth, Indiana,
fired six shots at a supposed burglar,
and then his wife called out, “ see here,
Sam, if you don’t stop firing at me
you’ll have the house full of neigh
bors !”
“ My dear,” said a fond father to a
three-year-old, as he entered the nur
sery, “ yon have a little sister baby.”
“ Oh, let me run and tell raarnmn,” was
the quick demand of the happy little
brother.
“ This is a nice time of night for you
to be coming in,” said a mother to her
daughter, who returned from a walk at
10 o’clock. “ When I was like j'ou,”
continued she, “my mother Would not
allow me out later than 7 o’clock.”
“ Oh, you bad a nice sort of a mother,”
murmured the girl. “ I had, you young
| jade,” said the mother, “ a nicer mother
I than ever you had.”
WHOLE NO. 203.'
POLITICS AND PIETY.
TIIK WIIININU *.\D ini'tH KITIUL
CANT or eoi.qi nTiNM.
Tli Abu*.- of It.-llu lob for (•• Purp*
of W.H'urliiff l-übllc Ofllr* Profon
ln( ClirlNllnnlly to fovor
up Inolllrlvnry nN*
Hiiirm*Kiir<> In
OAtro.
The groat I>r. Johnson remarked that
“ Patriotism is the lust refuge of a scoun
drel.” In our day tho last plank of a
sinking jsditiciau seems to be religion.
This is forcibly illustrated in the tac
tics of Governor Colquitt and his friends
in the pieseut campaign. Uuahle to
meet squarely tho serious charges of
mal administration and inefficiency, they
seek to weaken the force ofthe-e charges
by tho cry of infidelity, and they de
nounce tho thousands of honest voters
who oppose the re-election of Colquitt
ns seeking to overthrow him because he
is a good man.
If we speak of the Alston-Garlington
foe; if we refer to tho Supreme Court
decision, as to Colquitt's illegal pay
ment of 815,(KW> to Alston ; if we speak
of the strange circumstances connected
with the signing of tho Northeastern
Bonds; if we speak of bis neglect of
tho ordinary duties ofhisoffice, whereby
the frauds of Konfroe and Goldsmith
became possible; if we speak of the
bungling manner in which the railroad
lease was attended to and tho after hu
miliation ; the Chief Executive of the
great Commonwealth leaving the chair
of State and following up railroad spec
ulators to haggle with them on Wall
Street; when we speak of his upholding
Ni'lms in his gross abuse of the powers
of his office —in a word, when the plain
charge of general incompetency is
made on all sides and by many of the
purest and most eminent men of the
State, they have but one answer : ** Oh,
you arc making war oo religion.”
This is the burden of the argument in
Colquitt’s favor, and this the text of the
private letters written by him in his ef
forts to secure adherents.
It is true this device has its effect up
on the well meaning but unthinking
multitude. Pious old ladies, preachers
led away by undue zeal, unsophisticated
class-lenders, deacons and elders in the
rurnl districts have the wool pulled com
pletely over their eyes, and imagtnc wo
are having anew edition of Runyan’s
Holy War, and that Colquitt is almost
synonymous with the Prince of Light.
But will this transparent clap-trap de
hule sensible men and gull the Demo
cratic party? Will the sacrcligious
mixture of religion with politics, receive
a countenance from intelligent Christ
ians? Will this profane endeavor to
give to abuse of civil office the sanctity
of religion save the inefficient officer
from public condemnation ?
We felt luk not. There is too much sense
left in the State of Georgia. There are
thousands of good Methodists, Baptists,
Presbyterians and members of other
churches who believe that Gov. Colquitt
ought to retire. They are as pious and
devoted to the cause of Christianity as
the Governor, but they do not allow this
to blind them to the defects iu his ad
ministration, and they are not so weak
minded as to think piety the only qual
ification for high office.
This sheltering behind the cry of re
ligious persecution is an old dodge. The
student of history will recall many at
tempts to bolster up by such means a
corrupt government or tottering admin
istration.
Peel, the Troy Minister of England,
tried it in 1838, and the outraged sense
of decency of the people visited him
with the most complete political ruin.
Nothing can be more pernicious in its
effect than this mode of political de
fense. The dignity of religion is cover
ed, and the banner of Christ is trailed
in the dust of the hustings. Iu the
name of the Democratic party —of so
ciety—of all the churches and of every
thing like decency and fairness iu politi
cal discussion, we denounce it as fraud
ulent, hypocritical and detrimental to
the best interests of humanity. What
ever temporary advantage may be gain
ed by such methods there is always a
reaction.
In the warning words of the wiseMa
cauley : “ The world is governed by as
sociations. Dereliction in public office
will be ever unpopular, and if Christi-
anity is used as a defence to every
grievance, it will come in turn to be
considered itself a grievance, and grow
to be as unpopular as the abuses it is
used to protect.” We trust the people
of the State will put their seal of con
demnation once for all on anything like
“ cant ” in Georgia politics.
Hall.
Gainesville, July 12, 1880.