Newspaper Page Text
t3ie sun.
maktwm.i., hake rapiTT,
AYERS & MoUILL, Editors.
FOR IK KM NT,
'v
GEN. W. S. HANCOCK,
‘W PENNSYLVANIA.
FOR VICU-PKESIDEM,
HON. W. H. ENGLISH,
OF INDIANA.
PKKNIUKNTUL lilMtliHS.
FOR the stats At large:
J. C. O. BLACK, K, E. KEN NON.
alternate:
LUTHER j. GLENN A. P. ADAMS.
DISTRICT ELECTORS;
First District—Samuel D. Rradwell
•of Liberty. Alternate— Josephus Camp
oi Emanuel.
Second District— VVno. M, Hammond,
of Thomas. Alternate—Wm. Harrison
of Quitman
Third District—Christopher C. Smith
of Telfair. Alternate—James Bishop!
Jr., f Dodge.
Fourth District—Lavender R. Ray
of Coweta Alternate—Henry C. Camel
ron, of Harris,
Fifth District—Jno. I. Hall, of Spald
ing. Alternate—Daniel P. Hill of Ful
ton.
Sixth District—Reuben B. Nii-bet, of
Putnam. Alternate—Fleming G. Du-
Bignon, of Baldwin.
Seventh District—Thos. W. Akin, of
Bartow. Alternate—Peter W. Alexan
der, of Cobb.
Eighth District—Seaborno Reese, of
Hancock. Alternate—Jamei K. Hines,
vf ashingtoD.
Ninth District—Wm. E. Simmons, of
Gwinnett. Alternate—Marion G. Boyd,
of White.
STATE OEHOrKATIC TICHKT.
FOR GOVERNOR:
NORWOOD or COLQUITT.
FOR SECRETARY OF STATE :
C. BARNETT, of Baldwin.
for comptroller-general :
WM. A. WRIGHT, of Richmond,
FOR TK!iASETRER;
D. SPEER, of Troup.
FOR ATTORNEY GENERAL :
CLIFFORD, ANDERSON, of Bibb.
Ghosts.
[Baltimore Every Sotanl&y.)
It is very difficult in these prosiac day
for a man to keep up a belief in ghosts.
The blood-curdling talcs that affrighted
the children of a half a century ago are
hardly told now. The good old fashioned
five act tragedy ghost has been driven
out by the light comedy goblin and the
amphibious spectacular demon that no
body ever was idiotic enough to believe
in. The good old spooks that loafed
around graveyards with winding sheets
on, or along the passages of old houses,
have become comparatively er.tinct.
And yet, though nowadays all sensible
people laugh at the idea of ghosts, there
is not one man in ten that is entirely free
from, superstitious tremors and appre
hensions of spectral horrors. How many
tnen do you know, dear reader, that
would go alone at midnight into an old
vault in a gloomy churchyard, and feel
no shiver of vague uneasiness. Or if he
should go there out of vaunting insensi
bility to fear, would be able to listen to a
low moan or a crackling noise like dry
bones in motion and still feel no creep
ing sensation of horrors? Not many.
There are many men who would say they
could do it, but not many who could stand
the test. The impressions of early youth
are very enduring, however irrational
they may lx?. Strange, mysterious noises
startle tne strongest of us with fear of
we know not what. This is especially
true of sounds late at night. At about
two o’clock in the morning our vitality
is at its minimum, our nervous excitabil
ity at its greatest. We lie awake and
feel the dense silence. A far-away dog
will bark, perhaps only at the moon, or
he may see something that men do not
Hee. Suddenly you hear a door creak, a
door that yon know is shut, then a muf
fled sound as if something trailing and
rustling, perhaps a faint patter like the
drip of blood, and then a noise like wet
fingers drawn on glass, and then may
hap a wail, faint but searching. By this
time you hear your own heart beating.
You say to yourself, "‘pshaw! it is the
wind at the keyhole, or a rat on tlm stair
case, or some other natural noise;” but
for all that you have had a genuine visi
tation of supernatural terror, even though
it lasted only a little while. Mysterious
sounds search out the cowardly places in
us all. Those faint whispers of unspeak
able things come to us like hints from
another world, and chill our blood before
we have time to summon up our animal
heat. The sound of the tempest, the
thunder of the floods may not cause as
much fear as some eldritch sound, so
faint that it can hardly be heard.
Language of the nose: Lightly strik
ing it with the right fore-finger—l love
you. Blowing it—Keep away from me,
ir I’ll holler! Turning it up—l. can t
help it. It grew that way. Wringing
it with thumb and finger—My heart is
broken and I’be got a code id by ’ed.
Grit.
The Harwell Hun.
By AYERS & McGILL.
VOL V. NO. |.
• Pißnnklt, 1 *
Git vo' parrinsn, Plat siiAttlllmi!
Stomp yo 1 feet and ratal ’em hint);
Ttine ia: "Oh! dat wat.Timlllon!”
Uwine to eat It liitur-hy.
Pfrlltolj.;
Vlnnnfmi* pin of mst,
nnljUH'p nil! Now step out right) j:
Alina duufc yo’ lofcl J /
Fn’wanl four! Whoop np nipper*!
Rat k agin! Don’t Ik* gr> |l|w: /,
B wing cornahx! Mind w Agger*—
When I hoJlfm ltn y* gu.
Top Mtal tixm ohor!
' Ho' on till | take A drain) i
Oemmen solo) Yes 1> fiobet—
Kaint tHI hoW de flddleTS am.
Rands .around! Hold up yo’ fncolk
Don’t tje lookin' at yd’ fp**!
Swing yo* mrdn**'* ttt yo’ places!
l>nt’4 de Way—dat’f hard to beatl
6y*s When yo’s read/ •*
>igtc®d%vrntnwHe..* Wtf!
Swing acrx.s wid #p\r. ldv!
Now we’R let you swap agin.
Ladb*s change! SUc't j*r dat talkin'i
Do yo* talkin' artnr w idle!
Right and kn\ don’t want no Walkin'|
Make jV stejis and thoa yo' fit yio.
-
tKir I.HiIITI.Y.
t*Tip lightly oVet* lrodblf\
Trip lightly ovef Whnig;
We only make grief double
By dwelling on it long.
Why clasp Woe’s hand so tightlr
Why sigh over blossoms deadf
Why cling to forms unsightbrf
Why not seek joy insteadF
Idp lightly _ ovef sorrow,
Though all the days be da A,
Thtipun may sHftie to-iuotroW
And gayly flng t he lark.
Fair Hoik* has not departed,
Though roses may have fled 5
Then never be down-hearted*
But look for joy instead*
Trip lightly over sadness,
Stand not to rail at. doom;
We’ve pearls to string of glndttdfr
On this si<le of the toidh.
Whilst stars are nightly shining,
And heaven is overhead,
Encourage not repining,
But look for joy instead.
MABEL’S LOVERS.
“And we are to be married in April,”
said Mabel Henry, with a quaint air of
assurance that made Mark Hamilton
smile.
Mabel wasa little, pretty pink-cheeked
lassie, in height scarcely reachihg to
Mark Hamilton’s wide shoulders.
That gentleman rearranged a dusty
pile of legal papers in one Curttcf Of Ins
private escritoire, ami laid a heavily
sealed document upon the table.
“He has proposed then—this sapient
follower of yours?”
“Now, Mark, you’re just boorish! Did
not. I tell v... A -ht- 1 * 1
ago-almost at the first of our acquaint
ance? Ahd 1, toying; him, of colrle ac
cepted his troth, and—we are to be mar
ried next April.”
Since her earliest remembrance, Mark
Hamilton had formed a part, of Mabel’s
existence. Orphaned lutig before her
womanhood was gained, the guidance of
her eaflter life had rested entirely in his
keeping, and she had grown to love him
with a deep, true, steadfast love, .such,
she thought, as a child must feeHfor its
parent; for he was thirty-five, and she
but seventeen this autuuui day.
“You wish me happiness, do you not,
Mark?”
"You know me too well to ask that;
but matrimony is a treacherous craft;
you had best be careful with whom you
ship.”
Mabel rose from her seat in the door
way. .
“If you please, we will dismiss the
subject. You are so horribly severe in
your views of humanity generally, and
Alfred Mervin particularly. You do not
know him, Mark, or you would, like me,
have the strictest confidence in him.”
“Perhaps,” said Mr. Hamilton, with a
sigh, as he folded together his documents
and trudged away in the direction of his
office. “But,” reasoned he, “she is too
completely absorbed in this six-foot non
entity to think of her own good.”
Meantime, Mabel was blissfully una
ware of all things save her lover’s pres
ence, just six foot to a hair’s breadth,
with sturdy broad shoulders and straight
features, with his studies but barely
completed, and with nospecially definite
idea as to how he was to support his
bride-that was Mr. Alfred Mervin.
“1 suppose we shall get along some
how,” he would say. “You are not
afraid to trust me, Mabel?”
“Not at all,” Mabel would answer.
And they sang Scotch ballads in the
sunset, and repeated love romances in
the moonlight, until the autumn days
grew measured, and a sharp breath of
winter in the air.
Then it was that Mervin came to her.
his face pale, his voice unsteady, to tell
her a time had come when they must
part.
“Must-part?” cried Mabel, a white
pallor coming over her cheeks. “\ou
are jesting—trifling, Alfred!”
“No, dear, I am not,” ho answered. _
And then he told her how the town in
which they lived trammelled, with its
narrow confines, whatever talents he pos
sessed. So he was going to try his for
tune.
“But,” —and a shade of uncertain' -
crept into Mabel's eyes— “you will re
turn?’ . ,
“Can you doubt me?” he cried, catch
ing her to him in a short, rapturous cm
brace.
Bhe decided she could not, and he
went away.
For a long while after that Mabel
moved languidly about, nursing her un
happiness, and brooding over Mervin s
absence. But even his letters ceased
abruptly just a month before the mar
riage day. The winter through they
come with laudable regularity, always
loving, always freighted with words and
endearment. .
Of course Mark Hamilton smiled in
his cynical way, and told Mabel that her
idol had fallen to the dust in her keep
ing. Perhaps it was only natural that
she should think some evil had over-
HARTWELL, GA., SEPT., 22, IHBO.
taken her lover. Rut conviction Ruined
Upon her gradually, and by the time site
tame fully to believe hint recreant) sloi
bad ctnSbd lb bate fid mill.
Now, next May, fate willed some
one of sprrulutive -iiveliiiat imp sbmili}
fit up an old rookery,'duotail “ FiiunuiU
View,” and transform the place into a
summer JipUM.
Fain willed It, too, that Cliff Aided
Mount Wander that way otle goldeti June
tnotnihg, nlid hirel Miss Mable Henry,
hflt'r the accepted fashion of all heroes
and heroines.
After an introduction lit wlilHf a ruH :
awnv nlaybu a leading part, she had
askrXl him, unconcernedly enough, if he
were stopping at Summit View with his
family, when he answered that he had
no fa >hUu her feelings rose to a July
temperatUre. At supper, she detailed
the epiSWe of their meeting in elaborate
rhetoric to Hatijiltott:
" Mabhl) Jtoll fe ft vetitable goose,”
Said jlamiltoh. wheh she had done.
“‘l’m ndt angling fdrcbttipliiltenS; if
you please,” tarn Ml** HeHry; and kept
Vi- owh to jihad aftei- that,
Two weeks of almost daily intercourse
Riiffif-ed to show Mable that Cl iff Aider!
had no tendency 0.1 admitCS Scotch ballad
or Tennyson. He was entirely too
commonplace, “ too absurdly sensible.”
for her, she decided. And then liked
him all the better for the derision.
Did by propose? Yes: just three
months from the day of tneir meeting,
nnd in this Wisei
" Mabel. W 6 ate Very agreeable, and
like each Other, I hope. Suppose yoil
become my wife!”
That was his proposal; HeVef a Word
df even a demonstration of
anxiety as to the loss or gain. It was
his way, she decided, and qcccpted birth
It was early September tnat he asked
her to tiiarry him. It was early October
when he came to her in the dusk of the
evening, hnd with a ring of yearning
wistfulncss in his quiet, unsteady toneSi
“Mable. did you ever love anyone be
fore me?” he asked, so abruptly as to
startle her.
“Yes*’ she sain.
“Ami you quarrelled— this lover and
yourself ?”
“Not at all; We trierely patted:’*
“ You realty loVea tins man, Mabel ?”
questioningly.
“Alter the fashion of most girls at
seventeen. We parted, however, and
that settled everything.”
“ But if he were to epme back to yoii
tin? same ittah lie was when you parted
--* *■*““ 1 k now, ask'*-* ♦bat
the past be forgiven —
“ I would tell him that i had forgotten
the past and him.”
Cliff sat down on a low camp stool at
her feet,
"Mabel,” he said, “more than two
years ago I learned to love a woman
with all the passionate fervor of a life’s
first and only love. I wooed her, and
gained her affections. A few months
after pur betrothal wcdiffered, quarreled,
parted, determined no vet to look upon
each other again. Then, after a lon*
while, I eatyc toSununit. We mot, and
the rest you ktu/W. Do not think mo
treacherous, Mabel, ill asking your love
When I did. 1 admired you as much as
was possible with tbr memory of Mari<m
Maye lying between us. I meant to lie
true and faithful to you; but last night
Marion Maye came to Summit View!”
His voice ceased entirely; and it was
well for Mabel’s overtaxed endurance.
For a second the globe seemed reeling
beneath her. ' Then she struggled to her
feet, and. slipping hta ring from her
finger, dropped it into his hand.
“And you have Confessed wrongs, und
righted them. Ah, well, so be it?
There is your troth, Mr. A Idea; take it,
and my sincerest well-wishes. I hope
you may he very happy! Good bye!”
She watched him walk down the road
until the bend closed around him and
separated their lives for ewer. She cried,
of course; it was only consistent with
her womanhood that she should. By
and-by the moon crept up, and with its
first streak of light Mark Hamilton
walked into Mabel’s presence.
“ Mabel!” said he. in horror.
“Oh, it’s you, is it?” said Mabel, un
graciously enough. “ Well, he’s gone.”
.Precisely what 1 thought myself, dear,’
said Mr. Hamilton. “ You see, I un
willingly heard a few of your remarks
while searching for a sheet of legal cap
in the hall. I know the whole thing
Mabel, and pity you a trifle more than
you deserve.”
“ I know I’ve been a great fool, said
self-accusing Mabel.
“And I’m going to be another, just to
be even with you. I know I’m old
Mabel.” , „ t ,
“Only thirty-eight,” protested Mabel.
“Ugly, not over rich, and in love
with you.' What say you, Mabel, dear?
Is it yes or no? Come now, no blush
ing and murmuring. You should have
self-confidence enough to disuse with
all such nonsense.”
What did she answer? I hardly know;
something of no importance to anyone
but their happy selves. She married
him.
Mr. Alden married Miss Maye. And
Alfred Mervin? One day he came back
to Bustleton, as poor and good looking
as when he had left. Mabel and he
met, of course.
“Ah,” he said, “I thought you had
forgotten mo, Mabel.
“ i never lorget my friends said
Mabel.
Then he asked indirectly if she were
still single, and she said “ No,” with a
relish. ____
It is so in politics, business and every
where else in life-. The man whom you
boost up I lie tree not only forgets to
toss vou dmv n some of the fruit, but is as
likely as not to pelt you with the chaw
iugs.—Jemey City Journal.
Devoted to County.
Treafinent of Balky Horses.
I Cor. HcUntiAc Farmer.)
The Had habit of balking of horse*
generally arises frottl rill edwtirtate mind*
or, in igher words, selfishness, refusing
tog'* (nan.'* headstrong dispositiyii, and
resolute ,L> their own way. This is ono
fofpi of liftJkipeSjK. Tho ts eoml is one
Wnleh roruse* to pltfl frottl ptlre lanitlcss,
t>r stops when tired, and refuses to go
(my further. The third enihratcs such
Uirscj as afb titddtou* combined With a
stuhUirn dispottition. and which fre
quently refuse to pull from fear as well
ns StiibbrtrnneSk Or warit fcriurage.
These are the ditierent forms P? bain-1
ness of horses. But jiot always is the
aminal so by nature, but very frequently
iM'ftunea so by ill-training anil poor
driving. Hoi-sca may ba made balky
very easily, if too many words are
to them aODiS Otnn; stjfh as
lr Qet lip, there, 11 WittW, hkfci/ r and
•eo.forth, until the animal gets excited
luui finally • loseß bourage. There are
|mm.V uiffereiit wa*S fHr tfeitting balky
horses; hut oho thing must hb iHirne nt
mind —to speak kindly to the horse, and
shew him that he Is. lid the fcbntrol and
lionet bf mail, hnd lias Id owy ; bitt tid
not abuse him. Now, when you are to
commence to break a balky horse—one
that is sufficiently gentle to know what
is Wanted of him —put on your harness
iuil hitch him tip to anything toil
deitirej and give him the commanding
bas'd to gh ahead. If he, goes, you have
iifitllilig lb flb bf flak) blit 1 tet hifil gd
ahead and dd the desired work; but if
he refuses to gd any further, unhitch
him immediately, take all the harness
off except the bridle; taktj and tope the
size of a wash-line and fasten it td the
bit on thp tight hand ride and ptill it
thibligil the ling of tne left UHdef ihd
chap; pull his head round to his left
side and slip the rope under his tail like
a crupper and fasten it, keeping his
head rather close to bis side. Now all is
toady, so let him go; he will of course
travel like a dog after his tail, for he cart
travel tip dtHer Way; ( Take a long whip
kh make lam go if he refuses, blit
fepeak kindly to him all the time.
Never lose your temper, but govern it.
The horse will travel round in a circle
Unlit he hcglHfl td °iTt*rtt and becomes
languid and finally falls down; flow im‘
nuuiately loosen the rope and let him
up; talk kindly to him now and caress
him.
Now remeiniier the work is only half
nose. Reverse the position of the line
the same as before, and start him ofl
again an/! let ban go till lie falls down
mediately and let him get' up;' iim>
hitch him up, and my word for it he
will pull a .be never pulled before. He
how is convinced that no is entirely iri
the control and power of inan, and has
to obey; his stubborn spirit is converted
and las pride humbled, and yoti may
depend on it that he will bother you no
more. .
VotTll Have to Take it Got of That.”
Ifurnet’a Fall* lUportcf.]
A voting man from the hills, with a
UcW linen duster on his back and a huge
new umbrella under bis srttl, stepped up
to the general delivery at the post office
this morning and said in a half-con
fidential whisper that he would take a
stamp. The shade of the Father of his
Country—a green shade of him —was
instantly in the hands of the young man
for inspection. He took it up curiously,
examined the obverse to see if the pic
ture was all right, and scrutinized the
reverse, half fearing lie would discover
an insufficiency of mucilage. Then he
laid the stamp down and said he would
take it, with the air of a man who is
hound that no one shall get the betterof
him in a trade, i’ostmaster Mayo looked
up and smiled assent although we
thought he smiled four dollars’ worth—
while the purchaser began to hunt up
the money that was demanded in ex
change for Uncle Sam’s little chromo.
Through seven compartments of a leather
poeketbook the young man rummaged,
like a woman after a flea; his trowsers
pockets were explored; his vest vaults
were made to disgorge their freight of
silver and bills; and yet he had not
found such denomination of money as lie
seined sure of possessing. After one
more dive into the cavern* of his pocket
book he gave U P i n disgust, and reaching
into his trowsers pocket, pulled out a
nickel, and said, with an air of severe
disappointment, “Well, you’li have to
take it out of that!”
An Uncompleted Education.
iSome of these seminary graduates can
throw a very powerful stream of words
from the engine of their cultivated in
tellects, but they can’t bluff everybody.
The other day a fully diplomaed miss of
eighteen walked into a music store on
Kearney street and asked the clerk for
a song entitled “Demonstrate by ocular
proof the verduc of my sepulchre;” and,
as lie handed her a copy of “Hee That My
Grave’s Kept Green,” and raked in
thirty cents over the counter, he smiled
blanrly and said: “Is the ditty know as
'Argentine filamen's interspersed with
the aureate capillary attractions’ a
novelty to your auricular rejiertory?’’
She concluded to go hack to school for
jne more year.
It puts a man on his mettle to say
there’s a good deal of steal about him.
He doesn’t know whether it is irony or
not, although he may be lead to believe
that it is.
An old farmer, the first time he ate an
oyster stew, was asked how he liked it.
“Well,” he answered, “ I liked the soup
well enough, hut I wish they’d left out
them jKillywogs.”
Seaside hotel keeper* are overhauling
their stock of bathing suit* to aee how
many can lie patched up for next sea
son’s service and how many will have to
be put aside for dish rags.
$1.60 Per Annum
WHOLE NO. 212,
After Thirty Tears, Reunited.
iriDl%l*l|'hr K cm J.)
Among the yii-linis at the cholera
Which raged in New York City during
the year IMS was one Richard Frit rb:ml,
leavings wife and three children, Richard
H. ami William, who tt’ere twins, and a
daughter named Ellen. Two years later
♦ lie mother of the children died, lesving
the orphaned one*unprotected. Richard
and William came to this city, and Ellen
was taken in charge by an nude living in
('tntxrbnrjr ( Ohio, which at that time
was little moro than a wilderness. At
the time of their separation the boys
w*fe twelve and the girl nine years of
gb. ,
Two years after par'utfg #Hli their sis
ter the boys became anxious to leuirt of
her whereabouts. Not knowing where
to write they advertised for her in Ohio
papers, but no answer came in response
t.linir inquiries; Then they applied
through slifiMar Channels of In formation
furnished by I’hiladelpllhl) New York,
ftnd Rost on papers, but still no tidings
liable ffiiW tin* lost Ulster. In the menu
time William died, arid ilifen Richard
fcuntinned the search alone. TfieexpCri*
hient of itdferll>ing was rejicnted at fre
quent intervals ttlltll tt'-'-ks Wefe length
ened into months, and months into years,
and the years were multiplied until
thirty of them had dragged away their
Weary length without bringing a ray of
ihtolligtdiife to cheer the heart of thv
jicrsistent and devoted llrotheL
At last a friend of the unde who took
EUtltt to live with him saw the advertise*
mi nt in a scrap of aft Ohio paper. He
did not know the sister, but he did liet
unde, a Mr. George Hkdten, and so,
although hr lived forty milesdistnnt, the
kiwl-heartod friend immediately stowed
lilt* aovtlFHsdridlt tlWay in his pocket
and started forthwith on his forty inileg
journey to give it to Mr. Skelton. As
soon ft.s the latter had read the advertise
ment lie exclaimed: “Why, yes; that
I* itiy tlJece, married nnd living only two
and a half miles front hero.”
Hut little time was lost in making her
acquainted with the facts. A letter was
dispatched to het faithful brother in
Philadelphia, whose joy at Its reception
was only excelled by the ccstacy lie
realized when he looked again on the
fnt:e of the one who had been lost to him
for thirty years.
The sister, although married, blest
with a kind husband, surrounded by her
sons and daughters, and every comfort
Which Wealth can obtain, was equally
anxious to be restored to her brother,
and the meeting between the
w’lio'nhvtJvum.lito'H.'iii/wl uiuy..V y
Snow-Skates.
A writer in Land and Water describe!
the snow-skates used by llie Lapps and
the Finns of Finmark, where slmw
covers the ground for half the year, lie
says:
“ The form or snow-skates varies in the
different districts of tlic North; they are
long, narrow, thin pieces of wood or
bark, the foremost ends of which are
pointed and curved upwards.
“ They arc fastened to the feet at
about the middle of their length. In
some districts the lengths of the skates
for the right and left feet nr*' the same,
being about from five to seven feet; in
other districts the skate for the left foot,
which is usually made of fire-wood, is
about from nine to eleven inches long,
whilst that for the right foot, which is
usually made of some tougher wood, is
about from six to seven feet.
“ Some skates are grooved for the pur
pose of assisting (lie skater to glide in a
straight course by preventing sideways
slipping. The undersides of some skate*
are partly, or wholly, covered with rein
deer or sealskin, the hairs pointing heel
wards. . .
“ This is for the purpose of assisting
the skater in his diagonal up bin travel
ing, by preventing him from slipping
backwards; in other movements the skin
impedes the skater.
“Skins are used chiefly in Nordla’.ul
and adjacent parts. Know-skaters are
coated with pitch or tar. A pair may
weigh from ten to fifteen pounds,
“Over-shoes, with tyrned-up toes, and
witli scamslcngthwaysover the feet, and
gaiters, are worn by snow-skates to pro
tect their feet and legs from the snow.
“The over-shoes also serve to keep the
feet from being chafed by the skate
fastening These are wooden hoops,
into which the foot is put, and which
press against the instep, and the fibres of
fir-roots or leathern thongs for binding.
“ Know-skaters carry a skating-stair,
which is about seven feet long, is rather
more than an inch in diameter, and is
shod at one end with an iron spike, near
above which is a disc of wood.’
Lizzie W. Fi, etuiier asks in a poem
“ If I should die to-night what would
you do?” Liz, that’s a very refreshing
'conundrum for this season. If you
should die to-night it would of course
necessitate a visit of the coroner in the
morning, and then, you know, Liz, we and
have to buy you new clothes to wear in
the other place, and a minister with
great lantern jaws would stand over you
and say good things. Then we’d liavo to
hire carriages, you know, and times are
very hard, and money isn’t very plenti
ful. A first-class funeral costs about
$l6O, Liz; so don’t for the world think
of going off suddenly. \V ait until thing!
look a little better for speculation.
A colored man was once asked why he
did not get married, “ Why, you see,
Bah,” said he, “ I got an old mu drier, an’
I hah to do for her, ye see, sab, an’ if I
don’t buy her shoes an’"stockin's an’
bread an’ butter she wouldn’t get none.
Now, of I was to got married, I would
hab to buy dem tings for my wife, an’
dal would le takin’ de shoes an’ stockin’a
an’ bread an’ butter right out o my
mudderT jaouf.”
WAIFS ANJ WHIMS.
Til* beat trade mark—s.
A star perfortnpr—the
Are clergymen born with a “call?”
Next to a wile the easiest thing for
a poor man to get is to get in debt.
TnE astronomer’s business is looking
tip.
A dry dock—a physician going to
get a drink.
The Ohlnaman is not the only Ah
Bin In the country. — Yonlrr'i Gmttte,
•' tV it At t tour fort mii<s iJ prrtly jUttl"
11 Mr fellin', a wAfkn, ilr,"
1 -r. A. Pktttr.
The only housework some girls do is
when they begin to dust around for a
beau.
Ik a man who has been divorced asks
his former partner tomartv again, that
is a motion for anew trial.
tVhen a man has a lot of shopworn
goods in his store which he has tried to
sell until he is all out of patience, he
niHrks them “Job loti”
Womankiwd is like cider—sweel
when first squeezed, but growing more
viuegar-like after lying around for a
few years.— New Haven Regitter.
Jon EH can’t nee why it is telegraphed
all the way from England when a horse
takes a done of salts. Jones has been
reading of some racer taking the Epsom
cup, probably.
“ I ALI.IT* takes things as they come,”
remarked the tramp, as he lifted the
apple pie that had been left out of
doors to cool, and Industriously ambled
out of sight.
Hu k was mjr Myt whlfe I wooed;
Mv idol wtlpn I Won; •
My whon In *Rr years .
W iiy, itU liad ,lie none.
Oil VUv Dtrriek
Political principles change, king.
dom nre overthrown and religions
alter; but four aces hold an undis
turbed pre-eminence in their own pecu
liar line.— Puck.
A (iKEAT deal of the creme de la creme
of society when placed in the churn of
of public opinion and shaken up a littlo
c nnes out a very poor article of axle
grease.
"Bek here, Jones, why don’t you
fence in your premises?” “Oh, there’s
no need of it, no long as my wife’s al
ways a railing around the house, ia
there V
Everything has recently advanced
iu price except liberty, which remains
at eternal vigilance with liberal reduc
tions to the trade— PtcUe Milwaukee
Hun.
If the young man who parts his hair
in the center and carries a pen over his
ear were to pass away, the vacancy
could not be nlipd by anything in this
world, unless it was a sick cat.
Cktywayo—“ Now Massa Bull, what
you g< in’ to do aiiout it no# you got
me?” J. Bull—“ Blowed if 1 know,
your majesty. Now you’ve got me.—
Toronto Grip.
The fellow who said that a locomo
tive would live longer if it did not
smoke so n)uch,[is)(lyiiig alone in a met
ropolitan garret. One of his jokes has
stuck fast in his throat.
his lniriness) —“ I don’t gel muCfDm a
livin' by it, sir!” Customer (through
the lather) —"Then—you ought—for
you scrajie—hard enough—for it!”—
Punch.
A Michigan tramp who has shot at
five times by farmers’ wives, says hr: has
only to watch the end of the gun to
avoid the contents, as a woman always
shuts both eyes when she pulls the
trigger.
“ Let me supply the hustles of the
women, and I will have the largest
circulation in the nation!” was the
laudable ambition of an editor. But
he never thought the whole sex would
sit down on it.
They had a very sad affair at West
Point,. A lady at Cozzcn’s told her
mamma that the cadets wear pants; and
n man said; “Ho do their sisters, and
their cousins, ami their aunts;” and ho
was shot through the heHrt.
Thr “ Editor's Easy Ghuir” is nli in
your mind. It’s a piece of furniture
that’s Used only by tlloso that wear tho
honors—the ones that do the work don’t
have anything easy. Put this in your
scrafi-book, among the anxious.
Statistics show that all the church
property in the United States is worth
$854,000,000, while every year $700,000,-
000 arc* spent for drinks. The newspaper*
have often protested against the practice
of building such expensive churches.
Lord Holland told of a man remark
able for absence of mind, who, dining
once at some sort of shabby repast,
fancied himself in his own bouse* and
began to apologize for the wretchedness
of the dinner.
“ You seem sad and dejected to-night,
Claude, dear.” “Yes, darling; men of
my emotional nature are easily affected
either bv thesmilesor frownsorfortune.”
His washerwoman had discharged him.—
Andrews’ Razar.
The Boston Tranteript wants a per
sonal pronoun of a common gender, and
the I‘oiit suggests Urinary walker. Hus
will be apt to engender trouble between
“ He, she, it and the Postman.” — N. Y.
Commercial Advertiser.
“ The mills of the gods grind slowly.”
This is all because the hands aro paid by
the day. Will the gods never learn that
it is to their interest to let out work by
contract?— >St. I/mi* Republican.
One reason why men restore lopt wal
lets to their owners is liecauso they were
seen to pick them up. A dark night
and a fat wallet would have given sven
old Ben Franklin a close shave.
Two young ladies who have been inti
mate for seven years, made a remarkable
discovery the other day. A word
dropped in conversation by one caused
the other to remark in a surprised way:
“Why, you don t mean to say you are a
church member! Why, so am E” And
they shook hands warmly.
A VENDER of cheap jewely was
knocked down by an Irishman the other
night, and at once brought action against
his assailant. The defendent protested
before the court that the agent had
called him a liar. The latter swore posi
tively that he used no offensive language.
Upon being asked to give the agent s
works, the Irishman said: “He tmd to
sell me an ould ring, an 1 towld him it
was brass. He then turned around to
another man and sez: ‘ Itsalloy.