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THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
<vvnAT WE FIND IN THE m’SfOHOl>
PAPERS TO SAI1LE OVEli.
AS OLD lady’s injunctions.
“Now, Jennie,” said the old lady, as
she kissed her granddaughter good-bye
in an Eastern bound Pullman, “be sure
an’ take care of yourself; you’ll sleep at
a hotel to-night; air well your sheets an’
underclothes; lock the door an’ look un¬
der the bed; don’t blow the gas out, but
screw it down; hang your back hair
where you can find it easy, there’s a
roll of flannel in the portmanty for your
pore feet, which is always so dreadful
•cold; -it won’t matter much your having
no tooth brush; but for the Lord’s sake
-don’t put your front teeth in a glass of
water; when poor Miranda Green went
to New York she did, an’ next morning
they were froze into a solid block; sure’s
your life, Jennie, I—” conduc¬
But just at this moment the
tor cried “all aboard,” and the old lady,
to the young one's intense gratification,
beat a hasty retreat .—Evansville Argus.
THE LIGHT KEEPER'S DAUGHTER.
•Ail': “ The Frevty Little Rat Catcher’s
Daughter.”
In the Bay of Barnegat sailed a jolly, jolly tar
And he watched like a cat o’er the water,
Till he niizzeu spied from the inain-top-gaUant-fonvard
spar light keeper’s daughter.
The pretty little
Then he landed on the land did this jolly, jolly
tar, chased o’er the sand till he caught
And he
her.
Says he: ‘My pretty miss, I’ve got to have a
kiss
From the pretty light keeper's daughter.
But she squealed a little squeal at the jolly,
And jolly she tar, said she didn’t feel if she’d
as
ought to;
Then she scooted up the bar and hollowed for
her ma,
Oh, the pretty little light keeper's daughter.
_•* ‘Sure my name’s Barney Flynn,” said the jolly,
j oily drinking tar, Holland gin I’m snorter,”
“,\nd at a
Then a tub of washing blue—soap suddenly
she threw—
Did the mother of the light keeper’s
daughter.
‘Now, Barney, git,” she spat, at the jolly, jolly
tar,
And you bet that Barney gat for the water.
'Thus the place from near and far was named
by the ma little light keeper’s daughter.
Of the pretty
Adam Claes.
LAST IN BED BLOWS OUT THE LIGHT.
Old Uncle Plowgit and his wife were
holding a sort of old love-feast the other the
night, recouib *y» times. As
worthy couple slowly prepared to retire
they went over the days gone by in a
highly entertaining manner.
“Do you know, ’Riah, I feel just as
young as I ever did said Uncle
Plowgit, exuberantly. sprily
“So do I, Enoch,” responded
Aunt ’Riah.
Then a thought suddenly occurred to
Uncle Plowgit, and wheeling on his heel
he cried out;
“Last in bed blows out the light!”
and made a plunge for the side of the
couch. His wife, though taken by sur¬
prise, was nothing behind him in
sprightliness, and their aged heads met
about the middle of the bed with a
startling thump. Aunt ’Riah doubled
up on the floor, and old Uncle Plowgit,
f rubbing the top of his bead, muttered,
“What two durned old fools we be, any¬
how !”—Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph
LESSON FROST THE SANCTUM.
Dairyman—‘ ‘Here is milkmen, a reply to and some I
strictures of yours on
wish yon would glancing print it.” overt—“Whj
Editor (after it
this is nearly two columns in length.”
”‘ Well> youhaveplentyo£
1 Editor—“But
it don’t say anything be in
particular. All you have here could
condensed °°D into a quarter of a column.”
airy man—‘ ‘Then you won’t use
it?”
Editor—“Certainly not. Before rush¬
ing into print you should learn not to
water your thoughts.”
THE GLORIOUS WEST
Western Man—“Oh, yes; the West Is
a great country'. You should get out
there while you’re young. ”
Eastern Youth—“What capital will I
need?”
Western Man—“Well, you ought to
have enough to live on for a year or two;
but don’t forget to take a shovel and
pick with you. You may need them the
first night” Youth—“Why, what for ?”
Eastern
Western Man—“It is not safe to go to
sleep until your cyclone cellar is fin
ished.”— Phila. Call.
-
following his INSTRUCTIONS.
tlT “I can ,,___ t pay that .. . bill , just now rm
”
“Ail nght
83 pS;,.
,K,tor,'o? Sv-“““■ P Ca-ette
“What are the orders ot thebos3?’
demanded the gentleman, sternly.
“I’m to wait for the money.”
THE DIFF ERENCE.
Lottie (innocently to her dear Ed¬
mund)— “Edmund, can you tell me
what is the difference between George
Washington and a snake ?”
“No, dear, I cannot.”
“Weil, Eddy, a snake lies about trees
and George Washington didn't. That a
all”
The Florida Everglades.—A corre¬
spondent of the Boston Journal says of
the Florida Everglades: “If he deserves
praise ‘who makes two blades of grass
grow where one was before,’ what shall
be said of the men who bring as by a new of
creation a territorv larger than some
the States from beneath the waters?
Strangest of ail is that this pestilential
swamp, this breeder^)! fever and home
of the alligator and rattlesnake, is in fact
a perff et sanitarium, swept by fresh and
constant breezes, the thermometer never
rising above 96 deg. in the sha fe, and in
a gang of 150 men employed in the
swatno c nstantiy two years not a case of
serious sickness has occurred,”
FAMOUS RIOTS OF THE PAST.
The Astor I’lnce Uifflculty nml the Sun
Siuiunry StcufcMle of >6i».
New York City has been rich in riots.
The first outbreak was a negro uprising
in 1712. Since then there was a negro
riot in 1741, which was a dangerous one,
as the proportion of slaves to whites was
very great. After that came the stamp
act riot of 1765, a patriotic determination
not to ose British Government stamps
as ordered by the crown. Bodv-snatch
ing caused 'a riot in 1788, which was
only quelled by a hegira of physicians
and medical students.
Many old citizens remember the spring
election riot ot 1834, which ended in a
victory for the rioters by the peaceful
ballot, at the announcement of which
result Daniel Webster made a speech to
20,000 people. The abolition riots fol¬
lowed close!v, being in turn followed by
the flour riot, a senseless uprising, re¬
sulting only in the destruction of a lot of
flour when that necessai ~ product was
very scarce.
None of these riots were extensive,
either in destruction of property or life,
and it was not until 1849, when the
Astor Place difficulty occurred, that the
city was divided against itself. This riot
grew out of a personal quarrel between
two actors, Forrest and Macready, the
two popular tragedians on either side of
the Atlantic, corresponding to Booth
and Irving of the present day. It was
reported that when Forrest was in Lon
don Macready went to see him act and
publicly hissed him. Many coming Americans order
awaited Mr. Macready’s iu He
to make tliiugs pleasant for him.
came over in the spring of 1849 and
made an engagement At the at the Astor time
Place Opera House. same
Forrest was at the Broadway Theatre,
Their rival placards adorned the same
billboards. Niblo, one of the managers
of the opera house, gave out more tickets
than there were seats or standing room,
The result was a crush. Macready, as
Macbeth, was welcomed with eggs and
hisses. From this arose the riot of a
few days later in which twenty-two men
were killed and thirty wounded in and
around Astor Place.
In 1857 there were three seperate out
breaks—the police riot, between Mayor
Fernando Wood’s police and the Met
ropolitan poliee, the Dead-Rabbits riot
and the bread riot. The most serious
was the fight between the Dead-Rabbits
and the Bowery Boys, in which eight
men were killed and thirty wounded. des¬
The riots of 1863 were the most
perate ever known in the city. and These
were occasioned by the draft, were
put down by the police force after a
week’s hard work. These riots were sup¬
posed by some to be the result of a deep
laid conspiracy on the part of those op¬
posed to the war. But from the manner
of its beginning and its total absence of
leadership it is evident that it was not
the outcome of a general well-understood
plot. Those who started the movement
desired to break up the draft in some
of the upper districts of the city, Tlio and
the movement got too big for them. indirectly,
number of killed, directly authorities and 1,200.
was put down by the of getting at
There was no direct way at
the exact number, but the excess of
deaths for that month, July, exceeded
the number for either the preceding or
the subsequent month by that figure.
The Orange riot of 1870 was the pro
genitor of the big Orange riot of 1871—
such recent history as to be well known.
Two of the poliee and military were
killed and twenty-four wounded; while
of the rioters thirty-one were killed and
sixty-seven wounded, making in all 121
victims. This is the latest riot to date,
the railroad war of 1874 having spared
the metropolis .—New York Journal.
—«*
John Crown's Execulion.
An exchange publishes an interesting
8*°™* ^ilroad” movement regarding
the widow of Ossawatomie Brown, who
Mr. 1 2,9f, Still’s lforlU residence - a 1 ' in Philadelphia paUnd»l!di in
when her husband was executed.
“December 2, the day of the execution,”
said Mr. Still, “was cold and clear, and
Mrs. Brown was the first to come down
that morning. She came down to the
breakfast table calm and collected, with
out the sign of a tear or of mental sufl'er
ing. In fact she seemed rather cheer
ful and light spirited. No reference was
made during the breakfast hour to the
sad event of the day, and not until the
hour set for the execution did Mr.
Brown show any signs of grief. But
when the clock struck 10 she grew
deathly pale, and, as she sat with her
hands folded across her breast, as if in
silent prayer, tears rolled down her
marble-hued cheeks and she presented a
picture of heroic grief that I can never
forget. For nearly an hour she seemed
lost to all about her, but when the first
feeling of bitter despair wore off she
said: ‘Well, I suppose the law is
avenged, ^ and the people F {. are satisfied.’
^ 8poke oi he kusW clleer .
fully; of his intentions, of his zeal, of
his honesty. She had always been in
ful1 sympathy with him in his under
bad lull bd* a Li,
pmns.
Has the Earth a Ring 1
There are all kinds of rings in the
business and political world, but the
greatest ring of all is the one which
some astronomers say is forming outside
the atmosphere of tlie earth. There are
people who gravely maintain that the
extraordinary sunsets and sunshines
which have been noticed for months art
due to the formation of a ring or lings
around our earth, similar to those re
veaied with the telescope encircling the
planet Saturn. No scientist of note has
dared, as yet, to seriously consider this
theorv, but these sunsets are, neverthe¬
less. as great a mystery as ever. That
they are due to moisture in the atmos¬
phere, or to dust hurled up into the air
at the volcanic eruptions last summer in
Java, is now discredited. A lady has
ventured the surmise that the red sun¬
sets are due to an effect on the part
the sun to adjust itself to the new stand¬
ard time, but, of course, this is a joke.
It is clear that there are more things
heaven and earth, unexplained, than are
dreamed of, not only by modern the
but by the science of
Demorett’s Monthly.
SMALL CHANGE.
An old bachelor was recently heard
saying to a young lady: “There is more
jewelry worn nowadays than when I was
young, but there is one piece I often ad¬
mired which I don't see now.” “What
is that?” asked the Miss. “A thimble,”
was the reply.
The mistress of a house said to a
young servant girl: “Maria, go see if
Mr.*8cott, the pork butcher, lias pigs’
feet.” The servant girl departed and
returned a few moments later. “Please,
ma’am, I don’t know; 1 couldn’t see.”
“But what did you say ?” “I didn’t say
anything. I looked at Mr. Scott—he
had boots on.”
claimed^ “If yon don’t marry me,” he ex¬
“I’ll take myself out of this
hated world and I’ll haunt you as long
as you live !” Said she: “It will be more
respectable than your present haunts.
Please stand a little farther off. I never
could .bear the smell of alcohol so soon
after tea.”
“I am never in to newspaper men,” is
the message which Edwin Booth recent¬
ly sent bv his servant to a waiting Bos¬
ton reporter. That's all right, Edwin.
We will recollect this the next time you
want, a ten-dollar reading notice for a
two-dollar advertisement.— Graphic.
“Why is your teacher so severe with
you ? She*seems to be a pleasant sort of
a maiden lady,” observed a Lexington
avenue mother to her complaining little
daughter, just from school “I don’t
know, mamma,” was the reply, "but she
doesn’t seem to remember so far back as
when she was a child.”
A TOOTG dentis t loved a beautiful girl,
Q day ghe catne to liave her teeth
dded Fverv time he would strike B
nprv{ ( 1]0 woldd love t i le beautirul girl a
mtle legg> Fimd i y after he had struck
® „ ood m any nerves and she had broken
b th arms off the chair, and she had
kickedm0 st of his diabolical instruments
through the open window, he didn’t love
. r all
In connection with the recent victory
of General Graham at Triukitat it is oli
served that the famous Scotch regiment
again held the post of honor, marching
firmly into the thickest of the fight to
the music of the bagpipes. The Scotch
bagpipe is undoubtedly an effective in
strument of war. It saves a great deal
of bloodshed. Its wild strains scare the
untutored Arab into a dead run.
LITERAL INTERPRET AT ION.
i>lr. IIeechep’s Comments on the Sermon on
tlie Mount.
Mr. Beecher considered at tho Sunday
morning service iu Plymouth Church
the Sermon on the Mount, and pointed
out that many of its injunctions were not
to be taken literally. The following
thoughts are taken from his discourse;
“The literal following of the Sermon
on the Mount would destroy order, moral¬
ity, law and human nature itself.”
“If you literally accept the Sermon on
the Mount you have got to give to every
man who asks and lend to every man who
wants to-morrow. I would like to see
Wall street act on this precept for about
an hour.”
“Ultimately the ideal man will come
to a state in which animal forces woifit
be necessary, I believe; but in the ad¬
ministration of human life, and in all the
economies of society, is this the meaning
of the Sermon on the Mount, that good¬
ness must lie down while badness walks
over it?”
“The people who believe in a literal
interpretation of the Bible have no right
to have one single cent ahead. They
have no right to accumulate little prop
erties that can be used to meet the ex
igeucies of coming days. Yet universal
poverty is animalism.”
“The law of development is the law of
industry and of property accumulation,
There is morality in this; there is gov
ernment in it; there is happiness in it,
and everything else that builds it up.” is
“Take the flowers of the field. It
true that they don’t weave or spin, and
God clothes them with beauty. Very
good. A flower has to develop. There
isn’t a flower in all the wilderness, nor in
all the gardens, that does not work for a
living.” than one-half of
“I suppose that more
the suffering of humanity is suffering on
account of things that never happen.”
“There are men who are handle good as or¬
ganizers, but who cannot the or
ganization.” million dollars, in human nature,
“A
is nothing but yeast set to raise five
millions.”
“The man who misinterprets Chris¬
tianity by going sadly and morosely
through life ought to apologize to every
person whom he meets.”
In a speech at a hotel warmmg in
Wisconsin, Peck, of the Sun, said
that in his opinion there was a hotel great
affinity between newspaper and
” He remembered when he
men. was
acting as clerk in a hotel, many years
ago. His experience there had taught
him a principle invaluable if applied to
the newspaper business—to make peo¬
ple pay in advance.
Society is the atmosphere of sonls;
and we necessarily imbibe from it some¬
thing which is either infeetieus or heal*h
ful.
mm im
HARRIS’ PBOF. 9 tloaa, CFeiiic csy. ecaro BL'iiiJai flora tr.<l T t tea over ore tal too yw.lftii fliseavfl. p,lj poize vm b"-ia ficq 7 jjjmerous .i:.ao* la iGdc’.zv while vrorfi. tafflint aii'J reau* ;eac» s n'j O'* it*
enemies Ur* yoar t ;J
tew. Avoid belo? clshci iaposid </
A BaSical Cora oa other bjr prcttttl Au for they!
sewoklfc*
ren troubles. G t oar fi ve circa
Jar and trM Iiftosaje out
mmmmk kara impo'aot ficu befor*
.kYjtg treu .-st else-whe.*?.
Take a row i y ttzX h.j c- i
thoceanii a: 1 does tit la
terfers wi.h atyjatioa to bu i*
r.esa or cu. - t«io or iar-a*
vecietice I ocoded or. ‘ i«
£3?"Tested for o^e? 5 ct.tiQa etf/.r.zX yr.zxi; : u
thoa- Crow In (ii 'a-.<■>/• aal r>; . • y
foars L7 iaao tlotu lir e:, appUcatloo makes iu t >
saada cf casos. sefetof-'- *■;'-« r-> J
cJr. ***'• felt .
4ft.j. Tit! U&* ral feat*
a « tb'- 'i of the buc.aa or t vv
I* 1 *e*utrsU Zl*
I k!AL a M \te 1 * -V! 3
PA6KACS. fa* ZmELr -."1 »-• Fi-« bec'.ratS !- •
^^■fehc^rful h': pe-cat
f.al £ii*3
SEND ADDRESS , fljW^rcx^th iZfU r.
HAHR13 REMEDY CC,, K fg Ctesto.
swp.north IMU St, St. Leals, Ha.
fin: U3W:«TaaTMiiT.S3:8 mohtw. 85 :3 sauna 17.
E ??%gm‘ . A7. ... mug? l 331mg GATHA§TIGPI§LS
1: :’ ‘3 ‘\ goo? thregot ton? for coulvomn.
‘ m V ; V :\ ‘V ‘\ are a dose of Emory'a Little Cathnrtic ndlgooflon. Pills. followed llo- by ache.
‘ \ One one
I , V: pill clack every work; night they for a. purify week mo or two, Mood makes and put the human life machinery broken-down run as regular body.
f , {#1 \ti as new in a
.
‘ { them. Puveiy Vozohble. Sold by all Druggists Harmloss. and PinataM. Medicine lnialliblo. Dealers at mo IS yonngestch‘xld Box, may by take
5 on. a or man.
g ,’ STANDARD CURE 00.. Proprluon, I97 Pearl 50.. II.Y- ~
3‘ ' best Emory'o Pill Llfllo used. cathartic here. Worth are more twice than the is claimed; asked.—-W. they prove W. to be the
x Harmony ever money E. 60333.
I Grove, Gm—Emory'a um. cmhaniO are the mostgopular at all
EMORY'S LITTLE the Cgtharticsa—WM. BISHOP, Mills River, N. C.-——My aged mot er used one
OATIIARTIO PILLS box vmh wonderful resulw.—N. W. Bums. LocustGrove. 0hio.-—I recommend
If. fly fgflnd from them.-—Jonjx COLLINS, M . D., Athens, Texas.——T21ey are excenent.——R. Bunsen,
_ Jacksnn. Mmm—They are unexceuad.——Mna. Euzmm ms“, Mobefly, Mo.
MALARIA In all its forms positively cure: with ?fimog y Sld§t§ndafdm -_-_- cum hPlHS;
1 3921:1112; ' ‘ ,Mr, 33m . .or ape". unever-failing 0130110!“ y kin rameg . £113; rs ?nugn yp yac an no y ruggia everyw ete,0
STANDARD 0171242: 00.. New Ygrk‘
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no E0 —-
30 UNION SQUARE NEW YORK.
y,\C/ic mass. ^G-A/V^ GA
ILL.
rCR SALE BY
J. W. DARUAsCOrr.
Sagiaes, Gins, Saw Mills, Etc.
¥
w5.iE.3~- C 3gSp~ 8 i
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PERKINS BROS.
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K ALL KINDS MACHINEEY.
ma ear,
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f m ‘i ajr, WB
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i The largest dealers in the South in Steam Engines, Boilers, Saw
••j Mills, Circular Saws, Steam Pumps, Boiler Feeders, Jet Pumps, Steam
Gauges, Whistler,, Piping, Wrenches, Shingle Machines, Planing and
' j Matching Machines, Water Wheels, Grist and Flouring Mills, Separa¬
tors, Horse Powers, Cotton Gins, Feeders and Condensers, Presses,
■; Plows, Brass Goods, Engine Fittings, Belting, Machinery Oil, etc.
CGy Second-hand Machinery at low figures. Got our prices before
4 buying:.
; j P £ R S C. I N 8 BROS., ATLANTA, CA.
d
■ * ~ 1 t .iw* yn-ifw*- v
s. H. MYERS,
(SUCCESSOR TO MYERS & MARCUS)
-JOBBER X3ST
Dry Goodjj, jJolioqd hud Society
Boots, Shoes, Hats and Clothing',
□
a
A special leature of my business is the establishment of a
—W HOLESAL E
BOOT SHOE AND HAT HOUSE
Entirely di.linrt ton. m, Dry OjnJs Notion, “> •»“
«tore will be found the largest aud best selected stock of SHOEb and HA13, 1
brought to Augusta, and we feel satisSed that it will be to the interest of pur
ever before purchasing e’sewhere.
uhaBera to examim our stock
S- H. MYERS, 286 and 288 Broad Bt., Augusta, Ga.
Mar-30 ’82-1 y
IC^! ICU!! IdS( Ml • • •
E. LIEBSCHER’S
BOTTLING WORKS
Corner .Tanks’)!! and Ellis Streets, AUGUSTA, GA.
X TAKE THE LIBERTY of informing the people of Taliaferro and adjoining
I counties that I have considerably with the enlarged following my business articlft« at facilities whoie-mi^ and I and am retai now
andTatlowest kirf*Dared to furnish my patrons AND SHIPPED TO ORDER.
prices: ICE PACKED
CINCINNATI LAGER BEER IN 1-4 AND (-3 KEGS.
FRESH AND SALT WATER FISH OYSTERS IN CANS SHELL & BULK
T HAVE also added a BOTTLING ESTABLISHMENT t uny first-class already exten- of
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B >ttied Beer. It is the bast in the market and recommend ad highly for its lead
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ber HopL^thaTJou of will patronage. give my'goo^ I remain, * ^ir trial, It LSI nd EC also IF ULLY, that you will kindly
give me a share your
£ UEBSCHER, Auausta, Ga.
83-ly.
! 0*
I /mil will completely change tho blood In the entire system In three month* lay
l |„ rson who will take 1 Fill each night from 1 to 1 it weeks, may be restored U -•d
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Croup, Asthma, Bror« iral
y i?i», Kheurnatitfm. JOHS.s ANO-
1»Y N K LI N IM ENT (for Internal d tK /.iterruU
Vie) will imtentaneouily will relieve terrible
nil II1 flMeaues, anil positirel/ care nine cams
i! out of ten. information that will gave manr
Uvea sent free by mail. lion t delay a caoiaeat*
Prevention is better than cure.
j <i it 5 " I.-4 III SENS LAY
*.tl «-’ir C ! Hr'ChrHra fee. Sold ov?ryM > hcre.or sent by mail for 25c.
• i. ?”rgj |h«l ip largr rans, pr!c^ CO., 51.00: Boston. by a&il. JiM* tUb
J. 3. JOHNSON' <b .
pssupsms Wt*kr.*vt, GmrrlMr*, and
Inpotrnrr, Oresalt hrphilttir
H^rrurlal CFiFntifle treatment; aale ai.d lure
IfeTonrUtlftf Treated, f a I r r wTife for Hat of
r;!jf;rtk>t»8fe) b« ariiwi red by thoa« d'niriuj? treatment by raail.
rv.ns *uffrrla« frtnn Raptor^ adv ftbflntd h Mrnd th«* If aridrcAift, .1
%-iod fears M)Br!hl»riolhi lr MtW. Itl»I not a t raw*.
Addrfwa Dr. f. L. LaBAUDK. Pr^s't ©20 Lurnet and PhyalHaa M.I.uuU. hi f hart?* flu.
(mtiI 5I«-d. k Sorir. »l.,
to In. i>uOj ujt LaiafeiiibcQ leva.
One fob Boston — New Yorker (who
has been “stuck” more than an hour
with an intellectual young lady from
B aton): “You say you despise New
York men. 1 hen why do you come to
New York, and why do you go to New
parties?” Young lady from Boston;
“For a complete intellectual rest.”-—
Life.