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VOL. III.—NO. 38.
C|c pmilton Visitor
D. W. D. BOULLY, Proprietor*
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Sulscribevs Tbinfr th-ah .'han-te*
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The paper will he stopped at the end of the
Guie paid for, unites subscriptions are pre
vio'itlv renewed.
Fifty numbers complete the year,
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c rACZ \ oio 3 mos 6 mos 12*mos
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l column . 050 14 00 40.00 35 00
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Mamure? and dc ’tv- not exceeding six
lines will ’-e p'dlJ -r .. 1 ree.
Payments to he m ul- <( ari erly in advance,
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Strut--1 to thoir le iiiui ite line!tugs.
Trn vT, Anvna-ns^UT.sTS.
'Sheriff’* Biles, rerlndh, <V>ir weeks.. .S'! 50
• miyrt-wsrc *f* etfes. per inch,
eiir"htweol:-* 6 50
Citation for 'etters of -.ln>i••i-tr.flion,
L r v:ir liSTlsli".:■, iliirl v Mays 3 00
Notice to o emt crc Jit or* of ru
estate. ’*'Vv ...... ... 6 00
L ;-pli"-ition foT leave to seR 1 mi, four
wc :k* 4 00
Bclcs of lni‘ etc . p Tin h fbttv <l.irt 500
11 “ insiishn'ile rmmcT’v, per inch,
ten <?•.<•* 2 00
Applic-<i n rorloftor.soffO 'ni -ion r vora
cuorili-n-sln fur'.v >' '■ 500
i.ppli’(irm f'>r let’ersofoismissioTi from
admmt halier , iFree m nth* 7 50
TistaHishing l"st pnpeT:. the fell se'-ue
o'thice .ttllis. pcrln-h 7 00
Ccim-eßb*' ii.lc-' from exc-ntor* or nd
ir-ini-U 1 t -vkoTe hrn 1 h ■'< been
given hv ‘lie .v .. o \ (lie f !l spire
or'three t r > n th-. per ‘tv-li 7 00
E r :r not! e~. ttii-'v •! i 3 00
r.uV fr r f.oc V irra ( f mn't ■’ "i, four
tooi.th.s. no'■ hl' r per mdi 000
Bale of inroli ent n ■ orp thirty day a. .. 300
K n ste-1 two 2on
3 3’'Ct ** i. ts. o £gg3 Cards
~TDr- T- j - Ironl^iitas,
.;t/V ' vHr/'
Did TIST ’
\Mmki > t mmm , :
HAM! ETON, GA.
l, m. z>~,
nrslrisnl Physician and Surgeon,
HAMILTON GEORGIA
Special attention giver, to tr. -.uvger
j** Term a 0 is!,
p' PRESTON GiBBS^
SURGEON and PHYSICIAN,
Hamilton, Ga,
Will he found at the hotel or the afore of
W H John.-ton unjeas professionally engaged.
CHATTAHOOCHEE HOUSE ,
By J. T.HIGGI3NBOTHEM.
WEST POINT, GA
* ALONZO A. DOZIER,
Attorney and Counselor at Law,
COLUMBUS, GA.
Practices in State and Federal Courts in
Geovgia and Alabama. Office over C. A.
Redd ft Co’s. 126 Broad st. dec4-6m
*■
Hines Dozier,
ATTORNEY-AT LAW,
HAMILTON, GEOHGTA
Will practice in th* CftattahnccVeCircuit
•r anvwiiere ol Q o. Office in the. Northwest
corner of the Omrt-honse,
aD. TERRYS BARBER SHOP,
COLUMBUS, GA.
Go to TA Terry's, if you want an easy
shave, and vonr hair cut hy first-' lass h-'W
hcr* and in a first-rlass barber shop. Trea
ted under the Rankin House. so pi iy
RA.JSrKI!Sr HOUSE
COLUMBUS, GA.
Mbs. F. M. GUAY, Proprietress.
S. A. Sftxfrs, Clerk. _
THE WARM SPBINGSj
KFEIWETHIIt CO., GA.,
Are Now Open for the Re
ception of Cuests.
OrnT or prcos to Vp 1 fiH flt ColnmVvnF, Kir< r f'
brm, Geneva or L* Grange. Terms reason
al ls.* For further information enquire of
m a 2l] J. L. MUSTIAN, Prop’r.
HOUSE AND SIGN PAINTING.
T ara to do any kind of Paint
ine—Hotise. Mtrn or •' r :,n ontal
T tan mend your I n' ’■ :e la- and Paranoia,
and make them a* good >vs :w -
Prices low. Give me a trlai. My shop is
opposite the maxaet-honae. Columbus. Ga.
jrnn-6m W. D. bMITH, Katural Artist.
Hamilton fB&H Visitor.
MARK TWAIN AS AN EDITOR.
I did not take the temporary editor
sliip of an agricultural paper without
■misgivings. Neither wou’d a lands
•tuan KakerconTwastd f*. i&Sp without
j misgivings. But I was in circum
stances that made the salary an ob-
The regular editor of the pa
per was gSing oft' for a holiday, and
I accepted the terms-ltg offered, and
took his place.
__ sensation of being at work
ag.wn was iimuriovs,” and fcl "wrought
all the week with unflagg'ng pleas-,
ure. We, went to press,'and IVait
ed a day with some solicitude to*see
whether my effort was going to at
tract any notme.-'As 11 eft he office,
toward rundown, n group of men and
boys at the foot of the staii s, di-pers
ed with one impulse, and gave me
passage way, and T heard one or two
of them say ; '‘That’s him ! ”
I was naturally pleased by this>-
cidertt. r J"he rex! morning I found a.
similar group.at v-iiefootot tbe stairs,
and scattering couples and individu
als standing lice Jand there in the
street,, and over the wy } watching
mo with interest.
The gwp sejiarateel—f 1! back as I
np’Woa'ched, and I heard a man sav ;
“Look at his eve!” I pretended!
not to observe [he notice I was a:-
tvrrcling, but secretly I was ]>!< a-ed
with it, anti was propo-ing to write
an account of it to my aunt. I went
up the short flight of s;ri s, natl
heard cheery voices and a riii ing
laugh as f drew near the door, wLic'
I opcacd, and caught a glimpse of
two young, rural-looking men, whose
faces Id. itched and lengthened when
they saw me, and then they both
plunged through the window si.h r,
great cra>h. I was surprised.
Ii about lin'f an hour an old gen
tletnan ui.h a flowing beard and
fine but rather austere (ace, etucrcl
and sat down at my invitation. lie
put the paper on his lap, and, while
he polished uis handkc'chi' f, lie said:
“ Are you the new euho; ?”
I said 1 w as.
“Have you ever edited an agricul
tural paper before ? ”
“No,” I said; “ this is my first at
tempt.”
“Very likely. Have you had any
experience in agriculture, practical
ly, my friend?”
“No, I believe I have not.”
“Some instinct told me so,” said
the old gentleman, putting on his
spectacles and looking over them at
me with asperity, while he folded
his paper into a convenient shape. “I
wish to read you what made me have
that instinct. It was this editorial.
Listen, and see if it was you that
wrote it:
“Turnipsshould never be pulled —
it injures them. It is much better to
send a boy up and let him shake the
tree.”
“Now, what do you think of that?
—for I really suppose you wrote it,? ”
“Think of it? Why, I think it is
good. I think it is sense. I have no
doubt that, every year, millions and
millions of bushels of turnips are
spoiled in this township alone by be
ing pulled in a half-ripe condition,
when, if they had sent a boy up to
shake the tree—”
“Shake your grandmother! Tur
nips don’t grow on trees!”
“ Oh, they don’t don’t they ? Well
who said they did ? The language
was intended to be figurative, wholly
figurative. Anybody that knows
anything, will know that I meant
that the boy should shake the vine.”
Then this old person got up and
tore his paper all into small shreds
and stamped on them, and broke
several things with his cane, and said
I did nnt know as much ns a cow;
and then went out, and banged the
door after him, and in short, acted in
such a wav that I fancied he was dis
pleased about something. But, not
knowing what the trouble was, I could
not be any help to him.
Pretty soon after this a long, ca
daverous creature, with lanky locks
hanging down to his shoulders and a
I week’s stubble bristling from the
hills and val'eys of his face, darted
within the door, and halted, motion
less, with finger on lip, and head and
body bent in listening attitude.
No sound was heard. Still he lis
tened. No sound. Then he turned
the key in the door, and came elab
orately tiptoeing toward me, till he
was within long reaching distance of
me, when he stopped, and after scan
ning my face with intense interest for
HAMILTON, HARRIS 00., GA„ FRIDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1875.
a while, drew a fo’ded copy of our
paper from his bosom, and said?
“There—you wrote that. Bead it
to me. quick ! Believe m" —T suffer.”
I read ns follows—and as the sen
tences fell from my bps T coxiid see
the relief rome—T could see ihe
drawn muscles relax, arid the" anxiety
go out, of the face, and rest and pence
steal over the features like the mev
ciful moonlight over a desolate land
senpe.
“The guano is a fine bird, but
great care is necessary in rearing i'.
—should not b&’imported carder than
June nor later than September. In
the winter it should be k ept in a warm
place, where it can hatch out its
young.
It is evident that we are to have a
backward season for grain. The -e
--for. it wili be well fu- the feraer to
begin setting o 1 !<** to ■ stalks and
planting his bn hw';i cukes iu July
iinstead of An :iv-t.
Concerning the pumpkin.—This
bony is a fa.vo. ke with the n lives o"
t'e iutertov.o Now 1 ngland, who
p (Tor it to the g-ioscber y for the
ni.il ing of fruit cake, aud who ’ike
tv > give to it (h ■ preference over
the raspberry for feed! tg cow ■. as be
ing more fi’i'itg stud folly seit-fyie.g.
Th--> pumpkin is the only esculenl o',
t c orange family that will three in
the Nm: k, except tln'gourd and o e
or two varieties of the squash. Bn
the custom of planting it in the front
yard with the shrubbery fast go
on t of vogue, for if is now generally
conceded that the pumpkin as a shad;
lice, is a failure.
Now, ns the Warm weather ap
proaches, and the ganders begin fo
span n —”
The excited listenc” sprang toward
me, to shake hands, and su'd:
“There, there—that will do! I
know I am all tight now, because
yon have rend it. j.ist as i did, wo and
ior word. But, strange'-, when I
first read ii this morning I said to
m y. If, I never, nevt r believed it be
fore', note iibstanding my friends kep!
me under w tell so s.iict, but now I
believe I am crazy; and with that 1
fetched a howl that you might have
heard two miles, and < started out to
kill somebody—became, you know,
I knew it would come to that sooner
or later, and so I might as well begin.
I read one of them paragraphs over
again, so as to be certain, and then
I burned my house down and started.
I have crippled several people, and
have get one fellow up a tree, where
I can get. him if I wan: him. But T
thought I would call in here a I gass
ed along, and make the thing perfect
ly certain; and now it is certain,and
I tell you it is lucky for the chap that
is in the tree. I should have killed
him, sure, as I went back. Good
bye, sir, good-by —you have taken a
great load off tny mind. My reason
has stood the strain of one of your
agricultural articles, and T know that
nothing can ever unseat it now.
Good-bye, sir.”
I felt a little uncomfortable about
the cripplings and arsons this person
had been entertaining himself with,
for I could not help feeling remote’v
accessory to them; but these thoughts
were quickly banished, for the regular
editor walked in. . (I tboug-.t to my
self : Now if you had gone to Egypt,
as I recommended you to, T might
have had a chance to get my hand in ;
but you wouldn’t do it, and hero you
are. I sort of expected you )
The editor was looking sad, and
perplexed, and dejected. lie sur
veyed the wreck which ihut'oM rioter
and those two young farmers had
made, and then said :
“ This is sad business—a very sad
business. There is the mucilage
bottle broken, and six panes of glass,
and a spittoon and two candlesticks.
But that is not ihe w orst. The rep
utation of the paper is injured, and
permanently, I fear. True, there
never was such a call for the paper
before, and it never soared to such
celebrity, but does one want to be
famous for lunacy, and prosper on
the infirmities of his mind ? My
friend, as I am an honest man, the
street out here is full of people, and
others are roosting on the fences,
waiting to get a glimpse of you, be
cause they think you are crazy. And
well they might, after reading your
editorials. They are a disgrace to
journalism. Why, what put it into
your head that you could edit a pa
per of this nature? You speak of a
furrow and a harrow as being the
same thing; you talk of the moulting
season ior cows; and you recommend
the domestication (my heavens!)
of 'lie pole-cat cri aoerwnt o'f its play
fulness and Its excellence "s a rat'er.
Your remark that clams will lie quiet
if music be n'a' cd lolhem. was super
fluous—entirely snperflaous. Noth,
ing disturbs clams. Clems ohray s
lie qumt. Clam** c-vo nothing what
ever pbout music. Ah. heavens and
| earth, friend. i f you had made the ac
quiring of ignorance the study of
vonr life, von could not have gradu
ated with higher honor Ilian von
could to-day, T never saw anything
'Em it. Your observation that, the
horse ehe-lnnt.. as an article of eom
meree, is sfer.dilv gaining in favor,
"s simpiv eak-n’ated to destroy this
journal. I wh.nl you to throw up
! vonr situation and go. I want no
more holiday—T conM not. enjoy it if
I had it.* rVwfrh-Jy not with yon in
my (•■ air. T would always stand in
dread of what von my/ht be going to
v reomma''r| next. It makes me >osc
a’l patience every time T iliink of
vonr discussing oyler-beds under
tire hea-l of ‘ Landscape Gardening.’
1 want yon to go. Nothing on e rth
tjouhl pet-snide ms to take ano.her
holiday. Oh, why didn’t you tc'l
in - you didn’t know anything about
agriculture? ”
11 Tdl v on, yon corns’",lk, yon cab
bage, vou son oT a enulifl >wcr!' Ids
the first time I ever heard, such an
unfeeling remark. 1 tell you I have
been In the editorial business going
o : fourteen yt 'xz, and it is the first
time I ever heard of a man’s having
to know anything in order to edit a
newspaper. You turnip 1 Who is it
that writes the dramatic critiques for
tlie second rate papers? Why, a
parcel of promo;cd shoemakers and
apprentice apothecaries, who know
jti't as much about good acting as I
do about good fanning, and no more.
Who review the books? Peopl'
who never wrote one. Who do up
the heavy leaders on finance? Par
ti; s who have -ha- 1 the largest oppor- j
(uiiiih s for knowing nothing about j
it. Who criticise the Indian cam-,
I pnlgus? Gentlemen who do not j
know a war-whoop from a wigwam,
j and who never had to run n fool- j
[•• ’ce wi h n tomahawk or pluck nr- ,
i,.ova on.l of the several members of,
their families to build the evening
camp-fire with. Who write the
temperance nppea’s and clamor about
the flowing bowl ? Folks who will
never draw a n o(her sober breath till
they do it hi the p-nve. A\ ho edit
the agricultural papers, you —yam?
Men, a a general tiling, who fail in
the poetry line, yellow-covered nove 1
line, sensation drama line, city-edi or
line, and finally/all bank on agricul
ture as a temporary reprieve fi-ntn
the poor-house. You try to tell me
about the newspaper business! fur,
I have been through it from Alpha
to Omaha, and I tell you that the less
a man knows the bigger noise lie
makes and the higher the salary he
commands. ITeavcn knows if I had
but been ignorant in-tcad of culti
vated, impudent instead of diffident,
I could have made a name for my
self in this co'd, selfish world. I
take my leave, sir. Since I have
been treated as you have treated me,
lam perfectly willing to go. But I
I have done my duty. I have fulfilled
1 my contract, as far as I was permit
ted to do it. I said I could make
your paper of interest to all classes,
and I have. I said I could run your
cb dilation tip to twenty thousand
copies, and it I had two more weeks
I’d have done it. And I’d have given
you the best class of readers that
ever an ngricultura 1 paper had—not
a farmer in it, nor a solitary individ
ual who could tell a watermelon from
a peach vine to save his life. You’re
the loser by this rupture, not me,
Pie-plaut. Adois.” I then left.
HT “No man can do anything
against liis will,” said a metyphyri
cian. “Faith,” said Pat, “I had a
brother who went to prison against
his will —faith, lie did.” *
“ Mary Jane, have you given
the gold-fish fresh water?” “No,
ma’am, what’s the use? they haven’t
drunk up what’s in there yet.”
ins-The re are giantesses in Min
nesota, it seems. A country paper
there, in describing the burning of a
dwelling, mentions the rescue, “by
way of a window, of the servant girl,
fifteen feet in height.”
tw" Something that will soon be
leaving us —the leaves.
Bakers are a crusty lot of fel
lows, and fond of loafing.
3?o the Visitor
Something Abont Storms.
This cart l>*s sn rounded i-y an in
visible substance called the air, or at
•nosnhare, having weigh- aud great
c’as'ic’ly. I can bevompres-ed, or
gre -tly expanded. It pres-?s equally
in all directions, and at the surface of
i the sea its pressure is about fi een
pounds to live °qu re inch, decreasing
in weight above ihe surface of the
errtb.
Borne suppose it extends to a dis
tance no of ion -five miles. T'mt is
eonjecture,-as ir cannot support bu
man life above four or five mi cs, as
was exemplified in a balloon ascen
sion in France, where two of three
re-'onauta 'ost iher lives from suffo- 1
calio.i, it 's supposed; ihe third one j
fainted, aud recovered consciousness ■
as the balloon descended.
Winds are currents of air caused |
by Ihe oqui’ b intn of ihe awnosphore
be* 'g i-i-turbod by the lineq ial -dis- |
ribttiio > of heat at m near the sur- I
free o ibe cart’’. Fo'd - said to in
crease •’ .he rate of one degree for
ev vy liti-tii) ed y d.-. above the nr-;
thee o* the ea -.h, but th it i. •o' uni |
I'rv-ndv ihe c sp, r.s ihe snow line at
the equa.or is much higher Ilian far
ther north. Tiie iu crease of cold
above tbe earth’s surface depending
on the latitude.
The weight and pressure of the air
wee unknown to the nncionis. The
discovery uas made about lie begin
ning of the seventeenth century.
They believed that water rose in
pumps because nature abhorred a
vacuum.
Modern scientists have been amus
ed by this saying of the ancients, but
if l had been applied to the partial
vacuums of die a r, on or near (he
surf.'.cc of the c:vili, that produced
tlie late terrible t.to ms. the saying
would have been nearer the truth.
For “ nature,” In restoiing tho equil
ibrium i' c ntrnosp! p. o in such
or e does not in the least degree
tolerate 1 u h vacuums.
The books and i-iuanr ray the la'e
storms extending across the State of
Georgia, were caused bv a partial
vacuum along the line of the norm",
catt ed by the sun’s heat on the sur
face of the earth rar’lying the air and
producing a vacuum, and colder air
above ami nroiiml, nv-liing in, pro
duced the storms, and gave them a
rotary motion, from west to a little
north of east.
The moi-ture of the air being rap
id'v condensed by' the cold currents
of wind, produces ruin, and some
t hues hail, in such s onus a greater ev
olution of heat, and an increase of the
storm.
Thai is about the amount of infor
mation we get from those who have
attempted an explanation of the late
dreadlui storm*, as derived from
books.
It would be a subject of deep inter
est to those along the lino of the
storms to know why their sections
wee made the theatre of such terii
ble destruction. Why those partial
vacuums were produced in their par
ticular localities that led to the
storms.
‘ Those acquainted w ith the geology
and geography of that portion of
Georgia, know that (lie soil in the
pine woods section is white and san
dy, and above the pine woods is a
dark red soil of oak and hickory’.
The dark red soil absorbed the sum’s
rays more rapidly than the light san
dy soil further south, and became
more heated. The air was rarified;
the partial vacuum was produced, and
the storm came, commencing in 11a’'-
ris county, and passing across the
State above Augusta.
It is a well established fact that
dark colors absorb heat more readily
than white. A line is marked acro-s
the State from west to east, by the
rising of the granite ledges above the
surface of the. ground at Columbus,
and passing across the State about
Augusta.
The heat was the greatest some
distance above and below the lines
mentioned. The fact was reported
to the signal office at Washing on
that the baroinetor was higher above
and below the storm line. The storm
passed to the east, because the vac
uum lay in that direction, and the
equilibrium of the air was restored
behind the storm.
The Pine mountain, in Harris coun
ty, running nearly east and west, may
have had its influence in increasing
the sun’s heat, though the storm may
have taken place without the moun
tain being there. The same causes
may produce storms not so extensive
in other places,
Another phenomena attendingfthese
storms has" not been explained, or
even mentioned. It is their rising
above the earth, and skipping over
irregular dis- ff*d then coming
down again on the ground to their
work of destruction. That is prob
ab'y caused by the equilibrium of the
atmosphere not being materially dis-
turbed by the causes above mention*
ed. in fro ! of Ihe storm, and the ni 1
is dense enough to bony the storm
■foovo The ground. Or the storm
may be moved higher iti tbe air by
the evo'nt’on of more beat, causing
the storm centre to ibe. The centre
of tbe storm is supposed to move
many hundred feet above the earth.
Or both causes may be combined at
tbe saute time :o produce the rising
a'-d skipping of the storm.
Where these storms originate is
vet unsettled and unknown. Prof.
Loomis, of the signal service office
in W.-,-hint,an said they seem to orig
inate in ei'l-pr the nor,hwestern part
of the United S.r.tcs, if not in the Pa
cific. Ocean, or in tlw vicinity of Tex
as and th3 Gi|lf<-f Mexico. That is
aV<swing an extreme margin for this
origin.
They probably originate nearer
the equator, or within the tropics,
and m moving north are forced east
by westerly currents of wind.
The 8,-ixon word, “ s ojroi,” has
been used to express these winds'
The prefix of “ whirl ” to it will be
more signitiernt. The word “cy
clone,” derived from a Greek word,
kvcloß, which means a circle, and the
Spanish word, “tornadft,” changed
to “ tornado,” have both been used
to designate lln-se winds. Ward.
Would You.
Would you keep your rosy com
plexion, wear thick soied shoes.
Would you enjoy quiet conquest,
do away wtih airs and pretence.
Would you have others respect
your opinions, hold and never disown
them yourself.
Would you have good health, go
out in the sunshine. Sickness is
worse than freckles.
Would you respect yourself, keep
your heart and body clean.
Would von retain the love of a
friend, do not lie selfish and exacting.
Wow’d you gain the confidence of
business men, do not try to support
the style of your employer.
Would you never be told, a lie, do
not ask personal questions.
Would yon sleep well and have a
good appetite, attend to your own
business.
Would you have the respect of
men never permit yourself to indulge
in vulgar conversation.
Shoes of Snake Skin. —Tho Win
chester (Tenn.) Journal says:
“ We saw in Winchester last week
a nice pair of shoes, nbont No. 4, the
vamps of which were made of rattle
snake hide, and the quarters of chick
en snake hide. Also several snake
hides neatly tanned, and three feet
long and eight inches wide. They
belonged to J. If. Henderson, who
lives on “Big Coon,” in Jackson
county, Ala. He makes a specialty
of catching all kinds of snakes, rat
tlesnakes in particular, end, without
injuiing or killing them, proceeds to
take off their hides. These lie tans
in about two months, and then makes
them into shoes, slippers, etc. He
uses a weed which grows in the
mountains to mesmerize the snakes.
He says they will readily become
harmless under the influence of the
weed, wbh Ii he fastens to the end of
a long stick, and rubbing it for a
while about the snake’s head, soon
has it insensible, and then he lies it
preparatory to skinning.”
RT“I believe,” said a third term
Republican “ that President Grant is
of a forgetful if not of a very forgiv
ing disposition.” “I agree with
you, entirely,” was the reply. “Ho
is for fretting all lie can, and as for
giving, he never exercises liberality
except, in the giving of office to those
who have pandered to his taste for
getting."
*£Sr-She thought it was a tramp
at the door, so she looked it, and
from an upper window bombarded
him who stood and knocked with
the tea-kettle, two brooms,one-eighth
cord of kindlings and a mop handle.
He winced not, then she knew by his
style of dodging that it was her
husband.
The only men who don’t get out of
patients in warm weather—the doc
tors.
$2.00 A YEAR,
WIT mill HUMOR.
Waiter (to an old gent at restau*
rant)? “Take nby pastry, sir?”
Old gent (to waiter)? “ Yes, bring
me a pancake; will it be long?”
“No, sir, round,”
A sensitive girl has broken off the
match, because he said she bad afoot
like a raisin box.
“ Remember, Mrs. 8.,” said Bogus,
in a fluster one day, “that you are
the weaker vessel,” “ May be •sKS’*
retorted the lady; “but I’ll not for
gat that ls>* weaker vessel may havo
the stronger spirits in it.”
A dog in Indianapolis is wrestling
with genuine fever and ague. lie
has chills promptly at ten o’clock ev
ery morning, and several physicians
are watching the progress of the di9‘
ease Upon the canine patient.
A young bride, who had been fash
ionably educated was asked by her
fond husband to altond to the order*
dering of the dinner, as he shouldn’t
have time to go to market. It is n
tact that she hlnnd’y reqnested the
butcher to send home a “leg of
tongue, seventeen pounds of Bteak,
and two halibut.”
At the funeral of a woman, a neigh
bor in attendance, feeling it necessary
to say something to the nfflicted hus
band, kindly observed; “ You’ve got
a splendid day for a funeral.”
The longest night in Norway ItWMI
three months, and when a young man
goes to see his girl, her mother, be
fore retiring, tells her not to ruin
her health by sitting up more than
two months.
“Jessie, what was Joe’s arm doing
round your waist when you were at
the front gate Inst night?” asked a
precious boy of his sister. liis arm
wasn’t round my Waist; I won a belt
from him, and he was taking my
measure,” said tho young
lady.
A Presbyterian minister, while mar
rying a couple of his rustic paushton*
ors, felt exceedingly disconcerted on
hrs asking the bridegroom if he wera
willing to take the woman for his
wedded wife, by his scratching his
head and saying, “ Ay, I’m willin’,
but I’d rather have her sister.”
A ragged little urchin came to a
lady’s door, asking for old clothes.
She brought him a vest and a pair of
trousers, which die thought would
be a comfortable fit, The young ur
chin took the garments and examined
each ; then, with a disconsolate look,
said, “ There ain’t no watch pocket.”
“The almighty problem is to make
a living without working,” as the
man said when he shouldered a sler
eoptienn and started for the rural dis
tricts. In addition to hismoral show
and lecture, he circulated “ crooked”
fivc-cent pieces. The government
feeds him now at the cost of his
freedom.
Sueie (sugar) is tho name of a little
river in Switzerland. When the re
cent floods came, the mayor of a city
on the river received a dispatch from
higher up the stream: “Sudden rise
in sugar, take precautions.” He puz
zled over this a little, and replied!
“ I never speculate; have given your
dispatch to a confectioner ” #
Two sons of the Emerald Isle paid
a visit to Fairmont Park, Philadel
phia, recently. They visited the wa
ter works. Looking on with amaze
ment at the great turbine wheel*
while- in motion, one exclaimed to
the other: “Faith, Pat, the Ameri
cans mnst be quarc people; they rttust
have their water ground before they
can drink it.”
“Why should Washington’s birth
day be celebrated any more than
mine?” asked a bachelor schoolmas
ter of one of his class. A pause of
several seconds’ duration succeeded
the qnes'ion. When it was again
asked, a bright little fellow he'd up
his hand and said : “ I know; because
you have no children, and he is the
father of his country.”
Henry Ward Beecher was intro
duced to a Shaker at the White
Mountains the other day, and said to
him. “ I understand yoor belief de
prives you of some of the pleasures of
this life,” whereupon the other replied
“ It shields tis from some of its temp
tations also.” ,
A Frenchman learning the English
languange cont ained of the irregu
larity of the vci o “to go,” the pres
ent tense of which some wag had
written out for him as follows: “I
go; thou startest; he departs; we
make tracks; you cut sticks; they
absquatulate oi skeddadle.*