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BUDGET 0 F FUN.
HUMOROUS sketches from
VARIOUS SOURCES.
Science Versus Knowledge—Not On
Difference in the Name—Not
What He Wanted—The Other
Fellow Injured, Etc., Etc.
Re tvas’way up in anatomy and a judgo of
fossil bones. dimensions of^a
He could give the exact
whistle from its tones.
He could take a single molar tooth, and
though naught else was there.
Reconstruct the entire animal, to the very
utmost hair.
But when he went to market to buy a bit of
steak, stuff quite tough enough
He'd bring home
the strongest teeth to break.
And although on natural history he was per¬
fect, so to speak, awful beast he got when
y 3U should see the
he bought a horse last week.
— Terre Haute Express.
LOTS SHOCLD BE SEEN, NOT HEARD.
Little Boy—“When are you going to
the carpenter shop to be fixed?”
p oe t—“Carpenter shop!”
Little Boy—“Yes; I heard ma tell pa
there was a screw loose about you some¬
where.”— Texas Siftings.
DIFFERENCE IN THE NAME.
Doctor (to patient)—-“You are troubled
with stuttering, 1 believe.”
Patient (indignantly)—“No, stu—stu—stu—stut—stut— sir, I—I
_J don’t
stutter at all, but I sta—sta—sta—stam
—stammer some when I get excited.”—
Burlington Free Press.
NOT WHAT HE WANTED.
Callowby (rapturously) — “ Oh, my
darling, I love you fondly, passionately!
Tell me—do you return my affections?”
Hiss Pert—“Yes, indeed! I return it
*11. Don’t waste it on me, Mr. Callowby,
Keep it for some one that will love you.”
Lawrence American.
NOT ON ICE.
Husband—“Are there any oysters in
the house?”
Wife—“Only two, and you can’t have
them.”
H usband— “Why?”
Wife—“Johnnie’s been in a street
fight, and they are on his eyes.”— Epoch.
SERIOUS OBJECTION.
“What is your opinion of cranks?”
asked Miss Brighton of Gus deJay.
“Candidly,” saicl the dainty Augustus,
“I don’t like cwanks much, you know.”
“Why not?”
“1 calm’t approve of the way they weah
tkeiah haiah.”— Washington Post.
TIUED THE MATCHES.
“Go get me some matches,” the baron
ordered his valet; “and sec yon try them
before you bring them. The last were
uo good.”
The valet goes and returns.
“Well.”
“They are all good, sir; I tried them
every one.”
THE OTHER FELLOW INJURED.
Johnny—“Ma, Billy Bully broke an
• arm to-day on the schoolhouse steps.”
Mamma—“Well,, perhaps that will cure
him of his desire to be fighting all the
time.”
Johnny—“But it wasn’t his arm. He
broke Harry Hnllan’s arm in a fight. ”—
Philadelphia Times.
AN ALARMING DISCOVERT.
Gus—“Why, Algy, what 13 the mat¬
ter? Are you sick?”
Algernon—“No, my deah fellah, but
I’m fwigntened about myself. A doctor
told me yesterday that the air is pwes-
sing on me with a pwessure of fifteen
pounds to the inch. That’s a tewwible
thing, and I don’t believe I can stand it
much longer!”— Munsey's Weekly.
A POPULAR WORK.
Book Agent—“I am introducing a new
work-”
Man of House—“I don’t care to see it,
sir.”
“It is entitled ‘How to Paralyze Book
Agents,’ sir, and the price is $5.”
Please “Cheap enough, sir; I’ll take a copy.
call again when you have another
nev work for sale.”-— Detroit Free Press.
TIT FOR TAT.
She kissed him as he gave her the en¬
gagement rincr.
for “George, darling, I have always longed
one of this pattern and you are the
first who loved me sufficiently to study
my tastes in the matter.”
“And yet,” replied he, leveling things
U P> ‘‘it is no rarity, as in mv engage-
au nts I have never used anything else.”
—Burlington Free Press. *
TO TEST ins ENTHUSIASM * *
A™. y cachbIo Y (to the new boarder
j cago) ‘‘Ah, Miss Lafite, the
Jr ~,° occult sciences interests me
' to explore with the keen
tlm'J?. D ” W ledge all the dark depths ot
* ^ Dous, to delve into the regions
er ,1 how n, to fathom, as wc may
^ U 10I ^r
e ~^‘‘May I i. help you to some
of the as Mr. Peach blow?”
,
A FRUSTRATED PLOT.
“Mudge—“l believe you told me a
toup.e of weeks ago that you were going
‘0 try making love to vour landlady’s
daughter, so that the okl lady would ba
a little easier on you. Did it work!’’
Yabsley—“Work? I should say not.
I played it so well that the old woman
thought I was hopelessly infatuated, and
tided to raise the price of my board on
the strength of it .”—Terre Haute Ex -
press.
AT THE RECEPTION.
Barbara—“Hulda, that gentleman over
yonder is my friend, Mr. Floyd. May J
present him?”
Hulda—“No, you must excuse me. He
is the very man who kept his scat in the
car the other evening while I stood all
the way.”
Barbara—“Really? Why, I am
shocked. If he didn’t have any regard
for our sex he might at least have shown
some consideration for age.”— Life.
STOOD UP FOR HIM.
“Do you think your sister likes me,
Tommy?”
“Yes. She stood up for you at din¬
ner ”
••Stood up for me? Was anybody
saying anything against me?”
“No; nothin’ much. Father said he
thought you were a good deal of an ass,
but sis right up and said you wasn’t, and
told father he ought to know better
than judge a man by his looks.” —Neio
York Sun.
THROWING AWAY TIME.
It was on the rear platform of a street
car as a crowd was going home from the
theater.
“Let’s see,” mused a man who was
jammed on the railing to the one on his
left, “have we been introduced?”
“I think not. My name is Taylor.”
“Ah! And mine is Porter. Mr. Tay¬
lor, you are throwing time away trying
to get my watch. It is an old one and
out of repair, and won’t bring you $2.”
—Detroit Free Press.
WAR AVERTED.
“If you jab that umbrella in my eye
again as you have done twice already,”
said the man in the brown overcoat,
fiercely, “you’llget a broken head.”
“It was as much your fault as mine,”
retorted the man in the gray ulster. “If
you want to kick up any fuss about it
just sail in. I’m insured for $160 a
week in the Scrapper’s Self-Protective
Mutual Association, and I’m aching for a
broken head.”
The man in the brown overcoat looked
fixedly at the other. Evidences of a
severe mental conflict were visible in his
sace. At last he spoke :
“You’re safe,” he said. “I’m an agent
for that company.”—■ Chicago Tribune.
Safe Blowing Extraordinary.
Captain William A. Pinkerton, the
detective, having seen that two burglars
of his professional acquaintance were
advertised to blow open a safe on the
stage in five minutes, went to the theatre
one night in Chicago recently, and told
them that they could not do it in five.
They declared they could. Thereupon
he put $500 in the safe; they did the
same. aud he locked it with his own
combination. “If you get the safe open
in five npnutes,” he said, “the money is
yours. If you don’t, it’s mine.” He
then stationed himself at the wings,
watch in hand, and awaited for the
burglary scene. The cue given, they
jumped through the window and set
vigorously to work. In two minutes the
diamond drill had bored through the
steel door. Then a powder-blower was
inserted, the bellows set to going, the
crevices around the door puttied,and the
crank drill was cutting the hinges. The
fuse was inserted; a wet blanket hung
over the door and the match struck. As
Pinkerton’s watch showed the passage of
three minutes and forty-eight seconds
there was a flash from the safe, a cloudlet
’of smoke, a heavy jar and the massive
door fell on the stage. The detective
remarked: “I’ve been chasing safe-
blowers around the country for thirty
years and I thought I knew something
about the business, But this is the first
time I ever heard of a safe being blown
open inside of four minutes. The lesson
is easily worth $500.”— Commercial Ad¬
vertiser.
Plarmigan From Iceland.
There have been landed at Granton by
the Danish mail steamer Laura, from
Iceland, 222 cases and casks containing
over 7500 braces of Iceland ptarmigan,
which are really white grouse, valued
only at £248. During the severe snow¬
storms of winter the ptarmigan come
down from the mountainous regions of
Iceland to the seacoast in quest of food,
where they fall easy victims to the hunts-
man's gun. Except during the nesting
season, there are practically no restric-
tions as to the killing of game. A con-
siderablc number of white hares were
also imported .—Pall Mail Gazette.
—-—--
A Tint Used In the Misty Past.
Artists aud scientific . men have long
wondered about the beautiful “azzur-
r jno” found in the ruins of Pompeii. M.
Fouque, the mineralogist, with a mix-
ture D f silicate of copper and of lime,
h as now obtained the brilliant crystal-
j ne 4» azU re” of Pompeii. It is a tint per-
f ec tly unchangeable, and identical with
the Alexandrian blue which was known
to the Ptolemys, and imported into Italy
in the first years of the Christian era.—
Amateur Photographer.
.. — ■ -
It costs Great Britain $3,312,200 an-
nually for salaries and allowances to the
royal family alone.
' MIGHTY RIVER.
A
THE MISSISSIPPI’S COST Li Y SYS¬
TEM OF IjEVEES.
A Glance at the Existing System
of Dikes and Other Vain De¬
fences—Views of an Ex¬
pert. Engineer.
The sudden rise of the Mississippi
River and its tributaries, at every im¬
portant point,threatening the direst con¬
sequences to life and property through¬
out the entire Mississippi Valley, attracts
the general attention and sympathy of
the whole country.
The Mississippi River Commission, ap¬
pointed by Congress several years ago,
which included Generals Comstock, Gill-
more and Suter, three of the finest engi¬
neers in the country,and Professor Henry
Mitchell, the famous hydrographer, has
devoted almost exclusive attention and
the best available expert skill to the
consideration of the problem of strength¬
ening the banks of the river and securing
permanent defenses against its inroads.
Bru^iwood dikes, beginning low, but
gradually rising higher as the river mud
settles under their shelter, and sloping
at an angle that will, permit a natural
heavy growth of willows, were decided
to be the most practical manner of
strengthening the banks, These dikes
have been designated works of revet¬
ment.
Many projects have been suggested at
different times for relieving tin- floods by
creating new outlets for the Mississippi,
but until the present time the revetted
banks and levees as described arc the
most practical that have been dis-
covered,
The levee system that borders the
American Nile from its junction with the
Missouri to its delta in the Mexican Gulf
—a distance of o'ver one thousand six
hundred miles—is the greatest of its
kind in the world. It has cost many
millions of dollars for maintenance dur¬
ing the past twenty years, At almost
every important point the banks have
been revetted with mattress-work, and
at many places huge pile dikes have been
erected in addition,
At Memphis, Vicksburg, Cairo, Ar-
kansas City, Nutchefc, Greenville, New
Providence and every important commer¬
cial point the War Department, which
has the work in charge, has devoted its
attention to strengthening the defences
by the addition of revetments or pilo-
dikes, or by adding to the height and
thickness of the existing levees, The lo¬
cal authorities also appropriate gener¬
ously each year for the same purpose.
Yet. despite all efforts, breaks and cre¬
vasses have been frequent whenever the
river has been in flood.
"Flic most important of all the levees
are those at New Orleans. They run
, Along both the banks of the rivci, those
on the east, or city side, being constant-
nee< ^ repairs in consequence of
being washed by the swell ol passing
steamers. A large new levy was con-
structed this year below Algiers; but it
ba< ^ hardly been finished before it was
washed so badly that the water poured
over its crest six inches deep,
Orleans has been a grievous suf-
ferer from the annually recurring inun-
dations. At this city the Mississippi is
!* rom ^ i)( * * (> FGtO feet wide, but much
narrow ei than at man\ places above,
7 b ? velo « t y of tb( ‘ current at high water
18 ^ ve mi ® s ;ul bour ‘ v V b f a ^ ew (r "
lean * founded—some 150 years ago
the Custom House stood on the rivet
Dank. Now it is far inland, owing to the
changes m the bed of the river. In a con-
tur v tbe Mississippi at this point has
- and
traveled , westward nearly 1800 feet,
it is continually filling up its old channel
and carving out a new one to the west.
Heavy tropical rains peculiar to this sec¬
tion, an overflow from Lake Pontchar-
train in the rear of the city, or the flood¬
ing of the levees in front, as the result of
broken levees or crevasses above, are
among the causes from which New Or¬
leans has suffered in the past.
In 1718 there was an extraordinary
rise, which inundated half the citv. and
again in 1735, 1770, 1782, 1785,“ 1780
and 1790 the city was inundated. There
are old residents still living who can re¬
call the great flood of 1816, which lasted
for twenty-five days, aud when the water
was from three to four feet deep in the
rear portion of the city. People traveled
about town in skiffs along Chartres,
Dauphine, Bienville, St. Louis and Ram¬
part streets. There was much suffering
on account of the privations to which
many families were subjected at that
time. Again in 1831, 1837, 1841 and
1846. vast volumes of water swept into
the streets. On the 30th of May, 1S49,
220 squares were flooded and 12,000
people were driven from their homes. In
1874. 1883 and 1SS4. floods occurred
causing great loss to the city’s commerce
and sickness among the people.
Mr. Alfred E. Beach, the editor of the
Scientific American % is an experienced
civil engineer, and has been a close
aud interested observer of all that has
been done in connection with the Mis-
sissippi levee system since Captain Eads
first broached his jetty scheme. In speak¬
ing of the recent floods the other day,
he said: “They are a good deal like
earthquakes—physical calamities over
which, even with all the science he pos-
sesses, man can have little influence.
You cannot foresee them, and it seems
impossible to provide wholly against
them. As far as the Eads system and
the work of the Government engineers
are concerned, the levees and jetties fur-
nish the best means of mitigating tao
floods that have yet been devised.
“Few people comprehend the Mississip¬ tremen¬
dous volume and power of the
pi and that the river is really higher at
many points than the surrounding coun¬
try, being kept to its bed by the levees
alone. The vast volume of water is a
force too potent for science to cope with.
In ordinary seasons, the volume and
force are not very great, but suddenly
this giant sends down an immense body
of water, with all the proportions of a
flood. It is doubtless due, to some ex¬
tent. to the denuding of the forests,
where formerly the snows were held cap¬
tive till late in the spring and melted
slowly. Now, with the forests gone,the
water has no impediment, nothing to
prevent its filling up the river bed.”
“It has been proposed to turn oil some
of the tributaries of the Mississippi, and
thereby reduce its voiume, has it not?"
“Yes, some such idea has been sug¬
gested at different times, but, like the
cutting of the levees, it would only bo a
measure of temporary relief at best. It
would, I think, be a permanent injury,
were either the Atchafalaya or the Red
River to be diverted. A system of
canals, too, has been suggested, and I
cannot say that it might not be practical,
although in Holland, to which the canal
advocates point, they have no strongly
concentrated currents to contend with.
Whatever system is ultimately adopted
in dealing with the Mississippi the work
must be undertaken on a national basis,
as it cannot be done effectively by the
States singly. The Mississippi Valley
presents one of the greatest aud most im¬
portant problems our Government luis to
contend with, and it will need to sum¬
mon all the resources of scientific en¬
gineering to its aid if it desires to suc¬
ceed. The best thing to be done at
present is to strengthen the levees at all
points as quickly as possible.”— Mail and
Express.
Arabian Babies.
Life has exceptional difficulties for the
babies of Eastern nations, especially foi
those who are of sufficiently high rank tc
be brought up according to all the an¬
cient customs of their race. The lady
who tells her own stcry in the “Memoirs
of an Arabian Princess,” says that a royal
baby’s first toilet, in Arabia, consists in
winding a bandage about its body, alter
it has been bathed and perfumed. The
little creature is then placed on its back,
its arms and feet are straightened, and
the entire body is swathed to the
shoulders.
In this position it remains motionless
for forty days, but the bandage is re¬
moved twice a day that the child may
have a bath. The Arabs believe that this
process will make the body straight for
life. Under such circumstances it seems
fortunate that babyhood is not a period
which can be remembered in after years,
for no one would choose to suffer such
days of misery again, even in recollec¬
tion.
If the child be a girl, on the seventh
day after her birth, holes, usually six in
number, are pricked in her ears, and
when she is two months old heavy gold
rings are attached to them, to be worn
throughout her lifetime, except during
periods of mourning for relatives.
On the fortieth day the baby’s head is
shaved, a ceremony which could scarcely
be performed in our own country, where
thick hair is usually of a later growth.
This operation is considered a very im¬
portant one, and thirty or forty persons
are witnesses of it, for the performance
of certain rites.
The disposal of the first hair is regarded
as a very weighty matter; it must not be
burned nor carelessly thrown away, but
buried, thrown into the sea, or hidden in
some crevice of a wall.
The fortieth day marks a turning point
in the child’s life. Heretofore it has
only been seen by its parents, the slaves
on duty and a few intimate friends of the
family; now. however, it may be seen by
anybody, and is regarded as fairly
launched on the tide of existence.
Several charms are attached to its body
for protection against the “evil eye,’
boys wearing them to a certain age, and
girls still longer. The favorite charm
consists of a gold or silver locket, wore
on a chain.
The smallest children among th«
Arabians are strongly perfumed; every¬
thing they use, from their clothing tc
articles of the toilet, is covered at night
with jessamine, and before it is used
fumigated with amber and musk and
spriukled with attar of roses.
Why He Didn’t Ride.
Many years ago two gentlemen, both
Justices of the Peace, were walking from
Glasgow to Govan (at that time a beauti¬
ful country road), when they saw in the
distance the Rev. Mr. Thom, minister of
the latter parish, coming toward them.
M T’ Thom was somewhat eccentric, and
th <x> two friends resolved to have a joke
at his expense. When they came to the
minister one of them accosted him, say¬
ing: morning, Mr. Thom, how is it
“Good
that you do not imitate the example of
your master, and enter the city riding
upon an ass?”
“Because,” was the ready reply, “they
have made them all Justices o’ the
Peace. ’’— Scottish-American.
Oliver Dalrymple, the bonanza farmer
of Dakota, espccts to raise this year 30 **
000 acres of wheat.
The latest turnout of the German Em¬
peror is an open carriage drawn by four
white Hungarian stallions.
HOUSEHOLD AFFAIRS.
MARKING CLOTHES.
It is of essential importance that
clothes should be marked and numbered.
This is often done with ink; but as some
persons like to mark with silk, we shall
describe the stitch. Two threads are to
be taken each way of the cloth, and the
needle must be passed three ways in or¬
der that the stitch maybe complete. The
first is aslant from the person toward the
light hand; the second is downward to¬
ward you, and the third is the reverse of
the first—that is, aslant from you toward*
the left hand, The needle is to be
brought out at the corner of the stitch
nearest to that you are about to make.
The shapes of the letters or figures can be
learned from an inspection of any com¬
mon examples.— Observer.
WASTEFUL ECONOMY IN THE KITCHEN.
“Many a young wife,” said a nxotheny
woman the other day, “would find thw
wheels of her household moving much
more smoothly if she would spend a little
less money on the furnishing of her
drawing-room and devote it, instead, to
supplying her kitchen with labor-saving
appliances and plenty of utensils. Econ¬
omy in kitchen utensils may easily be
pushed too far, and if there is another
place where a woman may be more read¬
ily excused than another for extravagance
it is just there.
“To have to stop in the middle of
making a dessert in order to clean a
saucepan or a kettle in which the soup
had been prepared, because you have not
another, in folly when soup kettles can
be had fur twenty-five cents each. To
have your kitchen knives of such poor
metal that they will not stay shaqi, or to
let a good kuife remain dull because you
think you cannot afford to spend ten
cents to have it sharpened, is a real waste
of strength out of all proportion to the
saving. To have nothing by which you
can measure your ingredients accurately,
because it costs more to buy a set of
weights or a graduated glass measure old
thau to trust to guess-Work and an
tea cup, has spoiled many a good dish
that cost just as much and has brought
humiliation on many a good cook. To
scrape your porridge pot with a spoon
because you will not buy a patent pot-
scraper for twelve cents wears out ten
spoons to one pot-scraper, and the hired
girl invariably selects your best spoon for
that purpose. Sifting the coal ashes is
such a dirty business as it is usually per¬
formed and the servant kicks against it
so vigorously that the most economical
housekeeper soon abandons it in despair.
A patent ash-sifter that allows no dust to
escape and preserves all the half-burned
coal will i«ay for itself in one winter and
last five. A cheap refrigerator can be
had for one third the cost of a good one
of the same size, but if you buy it your
ice-bill will be twice as large.
“There is hardly anything in the
kitchen of which there are not two varie¬
ties, the cheap aud the dear, and the re¬
sult of the use of either is generally its
exact opposite in actual cash. But in
comfort to one’s self and to one’s husbaud
and childr«ft, a saving of time, temper,
brain-worry, and back ache, they repay
their own cost many times over every
week .”—Nett York Tribune.
RECIPES.
Curried Eggs—Heat a pint M milk,
add to it two teaspoOnfuls of curry pow¬
der, rubbed smooth in a little cold milk;
let simmer, and thicken with a teaspoon¬
ful of corn starch rubbed with the sauce
of butter; boil six eggs hard, cut them
in slices and lay in the sauce; let them
stand over the fire until heated.
Mutton Chops Larded—Beat chops flat
and lard them with salt pork. Put in
a saucepan, sprinkle with minced onions,
pepper and salt. Cover with soup stock
and let simmer one hour; thicken the
gravy with browned flour, add the juice
of a lemon, one spoonful of mushroom
catsup and a wine-glass of currant jelly.
Lay the chops in a dish aud pour the
gravy over.
Serving Bananas—To make a salad of
bananas slice half a dozen aud put in a
dish with layers of as many oranges also
sliced. Over all squeeze the juice of a
lemon and sprinkle plentifully with pow¬
dered sugar. Serve very cold. Any deli-
icate cake baked in layers aud put to¬
gether with layers of bananas sliced very
thin will make a choice dessert. The
cake should be served with sweetened
whipped cream or it will be too dry to be
palatable.
Boiled Chicken with Oysters—Pre¬
pare the chicken as for roasting, adding
chopped oysters to the stuffing. Put the
fowl in a tin pail, tightly covered, and
place the pail in a pot of cold water.
Boil for or two hours, as required.
Make a gravy from the liquor in the pail,
adding to it some of the oysters. Taka
a half dozen of the largest oysters cooked
until the edges curl and lay over the
chicken. Put over it a little of the
gravy, and serve the rest in a bowl.
Duck with Turnips—Place in a stew-
pan a tablcspoonful of flour and two
tablespoonfuls of butter; let the flour
brown slightly, then put in a duck that
has been stuffed with an onion dressing;
turn it about in this flour and butter,
then add half a pint of water and a gill
of white wine, add pepper, nutmeg and
savory, cover the stew pan closely and
cook slowly. When the duck is about
half done add two turnips cut into balls.
When the duck is done, place it on a
deep platter, skim the gravy well, add a
little thickening, pour the gravy and
turnips around the duck and serve with
pieces of fried toast and currant jelly.
