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Tin* Happy Ptusjr.
C. ?
srM
I’m 1 a happy around little pussy, the kitchen,
As ream
Where the mutton-chop is blooming
Red and rare.
And I have a skv-blue ribbon
Tied about mo, like a necklace,
And I sleep upon the cushion
Of a chair.
While the kettle’s sweetly I singing,
On the hearth-stone olt settle,
Close unto the cheery oven,
For a nap.
And I’m such a lovely watcher,
Such a wondrous little mouser,
That the pantry’s not provided
With a trap.
From the cellar to the garret,
From the garret to the cellar,
In a quarter of a minute
Do I fly.
And I chase the ball of worsted
All around the gilded parior,
And I scratch the shaggy poodle
In the eye.
When I’m yowling in the moonlight,
On the. viney terrace yonder,
I evade the brick and boot-jack
Like a flash.
Pm so lively on my pedals
That I do not mind observing
That no butcher ’ll ever grind, me
Into hash. — Puck .
An Agreement.
“I am tired of life,” said a young fel¬
low. “ I have met with nothing but
continued disappointments and I can see
no use in prolonged existence.”
“I don’t see why you should live,” re¬
joined an acquaintance. done “ I don’t know
that you have ever any good in the
world, and can’t see why you want to
live.”
“What!” exclaimed the disheartened
man, who had expected sympathy.
“ Don’t see why I should live? Con¬
found your ugly picture, I’ve got as
much right to live as you have.”
There are times when it will not do to
agree with a friend .—Arkansas Trav¬
els?.
A Clipper.
“Did you advertise for a man to do
clipping?” asked a rural-looking indi¬
vidual who had invaded the editor’s
sanctum.
“M’m,” said the Archimedes of the
printing office; “you don’t look like a
clipper. What have you been working
at?”
The intruder toyed with the office
shears and replied: sheep.”
“I’ve been shearing
The editor turned to his yellow paper
again and murmured:
“You can get a chance at the brokers’
offices down in State street; $12.50 a
clip .”—Boston Bulletin.
Last Words.
m. Good-by, my darling, good-by.”
te Good-by, my beloved husband.”
“My will is in my private safe.”
• “Yes.”
“You remember where the key i»,
don’t you?”
•* Yes.”
“And don't forget that my life insur¬
ance policy is in the hands of the Good
enough Trust company.”
< i I won’t, love.”
He was going for a tw r o days’
on a United btates mtn-of-war.— Call.
A Slow, but Sure Process.
Physician—“Did you scak your
in hot water, according to my in¬
structions?”
Patient—“Y’es, and instead of
ing me my cold has gone from my
to ray lungs.”
* Physician—“That’s all right, If just
continue the same treatment. w* can
draw the cold from the head to the
it can be easily cured. That it has
as far down a3 the lungs is encourag¬
ing.”
In Boston.— The apathy in
upon reception of the new date of
end of the world recalls the reply
Theodore Parker when informed by
Millerite of the pending destruction
our planet: “That does not ooncern
mo.” said Parker, “for I live in Boston.”
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WK FIND IS TIIK.VI TI1IH
MEEK TO M.1III.E OVKit.
Not In HIh Office -a Hirer! Romance— Inn*,
cent (,‘blldtiood—Fun In Heston* Etc.
THE SEASONS.
1. Tho winter’s almost past, the time
is coming fast that brings the genial
sunshine bright and clear, dear, clear,
and paragraphers g.iy will shortly put
away the sealskin joke until another
year, year, year.
2. The coal man and the plumber, all
through the coming summer, will be
allowed to take a well-earned rest, rest,
rest, and, springing from its tomb, the
ice cream joke will boom in new and
handsome garments gayly dressed,
dressed, dressed.
3. The picnic sandwich, too, exist¬
ence will renew, and jokers on its make¬
up will descant, cant, cant, declaring it
is made of neither ham nor bread, but
from the hardest kind of adamant, mant,
mant.
4. Then, both in prose and verse, the
jokers will rehearse the tale anent the
lovers who till late, late, late, sit on the
stoop and spoon, or 'neath the silver
moon together swing upon the garden
gate, gate, gate.
5. But this is merely done for pur¬
poses of fun, intended as a little harm¬
less chaff, chaff, chaff—no malice in the
play—to drive dull care away, and make
the melancholy person laugh, laugh,
laugh .—Boston Courier.
HE DIDN T MABRY FOR BEAUTY.
“I hear that Swarkins is married
again.”
“Yes, he’s hitched again for a fact.”
Have you seen his wife?”
Yes.”
“Is she good-looking ?”
“Oh, no; she’s a very plain body, but
as strong as an ox. You see, he didn’t
care so much for beauty. What he
wanted was a woman who could dig
potatoes and make them youngsters of
his walk the chalk.”
W / INNOCENT CHILDHOOD,
Fond mother—What 4 _ dear, w
a sweet
little fellow Bobby is 1 He asked me
last night if he were to die and go to
heaven if I thought God would let him
play with the stars.
Father (turning his boot upside down
and shaking it violently)—Now, who put
that tooth brush and powder in there ?
Fond mother (resignedly)—Oh, I sup
pose it was Bobby.— N. Y. Times.
HE MOVED.
A Detroit gentleman went to his front
door one fine afternoon to inhale the
balmy air of spring. To him a casual
passer-by remarked : “I'll bet you two
dollars, Mister, that you’ll move before
night.” “You are an impudent fellow,”
replied the gentleman, “but I’ll take
your bet. Why do you think I am go¬
ing to move?” “Because, Mister, your
house is afire. ”
A STREET ROMANCE.
Pretty girl, so sweet, so nice I sudden
slips upon the ice; scream of terror,
down she goes—visions of embroidered
hose. Youth observes the frills and
laces, fancy hose and other graces; sud¬
den mash—oh, feeliDg sweet I—helps
the maiden to her feet. Kedly, redly
blushes she; kirdly sympathizes he;
then along the street they go, married
in a month or so .—Boston Courier.
A CHIP OF THE OLD BLOCK.
“I don’t feel very well this morning,”
complained Smith; “that baby of mine
kept me walking with him most of the
night.”
“He must be a chip of the old block,”
ventured Brown.
WV How’s that ?”
me •» He lets the other fellow walk.”
THE OLD JOKE ON CHICAGO.
Washington Girl (to her cousin whom
she is visiting in Chicago)—-Who are
those men, Belle, coming toward the
house with surveying instruments in
their hands?
Chibago Girl—Oh, I ordered a pair of
shoes \ the other day and they are the
shoemaker and his assistants coming to
take my measure.— Washington {D. C.)
Uatchet.
,. Ftwr A %'m ilrrnna.
i no 1- n*mr Axlo <i* vnm* twivod nunlati nt
i'* i <‘n < imial, N. v. Ktat* Fair, l’arin E*|«o
i. Amt rican luMitute, N. V., anti other*,
The muntier of tonsil plant HutH'ie* now
known Is about U.000.
Wh^n v<ttt dsit «r IciPv* AVw fork city, ttrm bug
CS te*
8 U«| *>lejfaut ’■OOIIIN. rttt<*(l up St a rust of ouanaUlic*
dollar*. Elevator. $| and upwards per day. F.ur»p«*a plan
Hestauraut mippllnt with the beet. Rohm
cow. FauiUes eta««** and elevated railroad to all depots.
WwHottl can Uvs better for lr*» money ftwi-cliy a% the Grand
than at any sOvsr haul i*
Biliousness
I* moro prevalent in the eprinjt than at other *•*
■one, being brought on hy sudden changes in the
weather, causing bitter taste, offensive breath,ooated
tongue, sick headache, drowsiness, dizziness and
loss of appetite. Hood's Sarsaparilla combines the
best known remedies for biliousness, and readily
cures the most severe attacks. It gently stimulate’*
tho digestive organs, relieves headache, and re¬
stores the appetite.
Bad Taste in the Mouth.
"For the past three months I have been troubled
a great deal with biliousness, which, on getting up
in the morning, caused headache and bad taste in
my mouth. After rising three bottles of Hood’s Sar¬
saparilla I am entirely free from all biliousness and
headache."—J. M- Phillips, Wait’s Now Hotel,
Bloomington. Ill.
"I have used Hood's Sarsaparilla for biliousness;
think it a great remedy for that complaint.’’—J. W.
Abbott, Manchester, N. H.
Hood’s Sarsaparilla
Sold by all druggists. $ 1 ; six for $5. Prepared only
byO. I. HOOD A OO., Apotheoaries, Lowell. Mass.
IOO Doses One Dollar
'Hus remedy contains no injurious drills.
SVSHSDMttlH tril.-, will be absorbed,
effectually freth causing It tects head heals allays the the of colds, healthy inflammation, sores membrane catarrhal cleansing and completely secretion*. restores virus, from pro¬ tin ffEVER™-“ Upf
the senses of taste, smell
and hearing. It is
Not a Liquid or Snuff.
A few A applications thorough re
lieve. treat¬
ment will cure. Agreeable
to use. Price 5b cents “‘HAY by ia • •> “FEVER wpiiK»n
M‘.r dnMKht "
ELY BROTHERS, Druggists, Owego, N. Y.
dwO £*)[- UJ nAllilildv ft TOl will CIO
gent NON, on Wholesale Rpurovnl. Aliuuitnctiirer. C*t:iloKU<i ireo. RiuPUo.V'l. A. ANWIb:% Y.
p~ li ~ AWAfcFte ~~
^ A p THAT
Lorillard’s Climax Plug
bearing Leaf a red tin tag; that Lorillard’s
Rose tine out; that Lori llard's
Navy the best Clipping*, and quality that Lorillard’s considered IS nil lit*, art
and cheapest, ?
THE OPIUM-HABIT
KARILT CURED. ADVICE FREE.
Pr.J.C. HOFFMA N. Jefferson,Wlj
W3J WANT 1000 BOOK AGENTS
flwthe new book THIRTY-THREE YEARS AMONG
OUR WILD INDIANS
Ocn. DODGE and Uen. SHERMaN. The fastest seilla*
kook out. Indorsed by Pres't Arthur . Oen’s Grant, Bhermatt
Sheridan, and thousands of Emin-nt Judtres. lilustrnted < lereynien
Editors, etc., AwisAcd.” as “ Th* Best and Finest Indian
ltodk Over It takes like wildfire, and A r**ta M*
10 to 20 a day. **“75,000 aold. It# Great AntkorMt JaemA
and Soiui Merit make it ike koombto book for
CC7*Sen>d for Circulars, Specimen Hate. Kxtralirm. ate, •*
A. It. WORTHINOTON Jk CO.. H*rtfbr4.0aau*
rflHE I of WORLIfS WONDERS and OfiMai book; MU.
tory the Greely Expedition. Grand Uftw WriteQUtek out.
mil* everything. Salary Histori or com. cal Pub. to Agents. Co., Phil*., Pa,
fog special term*.
We will print thi n pen work
design in three colors, with
your name and address in
the scroll, on - J5 for good cents. qual¬
ity The envelopes design the 25 envelope
on
the will above be five cut. times This larger than
is some¬
t thing beautiful. entirely Send new postal and very
or silver. Ho stamps. II; C. KELLS & CO.,
Httsfleld, Mass. B ox 851.___
1?D*£ HA 1. K—Farms, Ranches, Lands. All Sontlk
d «m States. Cheap. W, R. Stuajk. NewOrleaneJLte
1 JxmJt Tjwri. J fognenUemen^reUteb^t DOUGLAS
I I Cali Glove, Calf Ton the S*we<!
m V \4/\ Jr \ ft | ihoea lnAmerlca for price;
5^r\ \ A made In Button, Congress ana
\ I 1 Lace. Medium London Toe,
\ \ \ \j very stylish and durable. Pay
V 1 W no longer; you can get at
mall, „ m >»«•—X good a Shoe for *S. Ser t by
pottaga free. Measure foot as directed. State
aize lit you and usually wear, end style wanted. I guarantee
a Breekte^ perfect Meu. satisfaction. W. L>. Douglas,
Retail dealers wanted.
ALL IMPERFECTIONS
_ _ of the Face, Hands k Fed. Supertiuom
r Hair, 3Ioies, Warts. Me*a,
i L .Sf_ Nose, Acne, BT1: Heads. Freckles, Red
YV/Sl K'-ar*. Fitting
and treatment. Dr.Joitn Woodhiny-
37 N. I'e-firl St., Albany, N. Y
Established lop), bend 10c. fori HViK.
/^lARDS. Sample ST book, premium list, prioe list sene
vj free. U. CARD OO., Center brook. Otsa.
J>ATENTS, nt.?corner U, 8 . amLForelgp blammaidf Patente^procaprd. pittabargh^Fa.
KmitliflHd of
(5000 ACRES ;;, N I.rV. 2 KfeS fW , -c 0 . B .i D . A .
W KK o,. Ho.
_
VIGOR
Ct’RKH AU, •P HOOT!
DISKAHvS OK TIIK
KIDNEY*, KIDN|YJ$£
LIVER, ltl.Al»l)Klt,
AND
URINA It Y ORGANS,
GRAVEL, RKOP 1 MAHKTKS, 8 Y, jyJoFAIL?/*: Nev
BUMHT** DISEASE,
RAINS IN TUB
BACK, LOINS Olt SIDE.
NKitvors
DISEASES.
TONIC AND BITTER,
IT IS UNEQUALLED IN RESULTS AND
PERMANENT IN ITS CURE.
LIVING TESTIMONY.
HIucUmiiIiIi.
•‘Having hsd occasion to n«e a remedy for kid¬
ney trondo* 1 purenased a bottle of II cut’s cared {Kid¬
ney and bjverj Kivrnv, and it completely
me—hiivo no indigestion, and *m hearty and
healthy for one of iny years ”—J. F. Woo«L
bury, liiucksuuth, Maucawtcr, N. H.
“Small beginnings lead to largo endings.”
Carpenter.
“I wss troubled with a Weakness of the Kidneys.
I had to pas* my water ns many ns flitecn tamos
during the night. After having used tho second
bottle found that of Hunt's ail [Kidney and gene.”—Joseph Liver) Remedy Q. 1
my trouble was
Miller, Carpenter, Xenia. Ohio.
“Be a friend to yourself, and others will.”
FI reman.
“I have been a severe sufferer with a weakaeaa
of the kidneys, and I took a severe cold while on
duty with tho fire department. [ had letrlbie pams
In my back, and my water troubled me. Hunt’*
TKidnoy and Liver] Remedy completely cured me.*
—H. A. Glass, Columbus, Ohio.
“To the good, night is not dark.”
A Sailor.
Captain John Kimball, Sailor, New London,
Conn., writes“I was taken with severe pains in
the small of my back in the attendance region of without the kidneys;
I had tho beat medical expe¬
riencing any relief. 1 bought and used a bottle of
Hunt’s [Kidney and me.” Liver] Remedy. Four bot¬
tles entirely cured
Price $1.25. Send for Pamphlet of Testimonials.
HUNT’S REMEDY CO., Providence, R. I.
C. N.CR1T T EN TON, G eneral Age nt, New York.
Suffering Womanhood.
Too much effort cannot be made to bring
to the attention of suffering womanhood the
great value of Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable
Compound as a remedy for the diseases of
women, and perhaps nothing is more effec¬
tual than the testimony of those who have
been cured by it. Such an one is the wife Of
General Qarringer, of Winston, N. C., and
we quote from the general’s letter aa follow*:
“Dear Mr*. Pinkham: Please allow me to add
my testimony to the most excellent medicinal
qualities of your Vegetable Compound. Mrs.
Barringer was treated for several years for
what the physicians called Leucorrhea and
Prolapsus Uteri combined. I sent her to
Richmond, Va., where she remained for six
months under the treatment of an eminent
physician without any permanent benefit.
She was induced to try your medicine and
after a reasonable time commenced to im¬
prove and is now able to attend to her busi¬
ness and considers herself fully relieved .”
[General Barringer is the proprietor of the
American widely known.] Hotel, Winston, N. C., and i*
_
M J
J 11 1 in S a v 1 R ‘ I LI? II
v I- ID §
’
Without doubt the best porous plaeter made.
When applied to any kind of pain or aoreneen.
Instant relief ia felt. Sore and tired muscles,
weak back or aides, sharp pains, sore chest and
local pains are cured and tho parts wonderfUUy
-strengthened. - Made from Fresh Hops, Bur¬
gundy Fitch and Canada Balsam. Never irri¬
tates-always eoothes. Ready to apply*. Bold
by druggists and deal ers, 8 60 . 6 for *1. Mailed
for price, HOF PLASTER CO., Boston, Moeo.
m »_ iffiPI
1 mm
■ 3 ,
VAsams msTMi oos» mxm
WMTWiWd th* bMtcorn Crooner *nd mesh
imperfect CaL totcedtti UrtUmK distributor is tte
gMM world. Mto
» 0 *CATAT.O<jrna
_ M risauEiL A. B.
L Yote.r*,/
_____..........PI I) 1 4..........................
VIBRATING TELEPHONE.
Gives bitant splendid satisfaction. No exor¬
rental fee to pay—Sold outright
and guaranteed its to work nicely on lines
within compass (s miles;, or money
refunded. Constructed on new and
scientific vibration. principles; Twoot three works months' entirety by
ren¬
tal fee to the Beil Telephone will buy
outright a complete prime line. It is
th* only PRACTICAL and RELI¬
ABLE non-electric Telephone satisfacti made,
and warranted to eive on, or
money refunded: AGENTS all caa the
make they immense do. profits No and pet
wont can previous expe¬
rience required. Where I have no sprat*
Telephones may bn ordered direct for private use. Circulars
tea. H. T. JOHNSON. Y.
109 8. Division St., Buffalo. V. _
W.D.LITTELL, > oi \\ 0 ( )|