Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page.

The Montgomery Monitor. D. C. SUTTON, Editor aud Prop’r. DR, TALMACE'S SERMON. LAUGHTER OF THE BIBLE. Text: “Then was our mouth filled with laughter.’’—Psalm, cxxvi 3. “Ho that sitteth in tho heavens shall laugh.”—Psalm ii. 4. Thirty-eight times in tho Bible is rOferen e made to this configuration of features and 'quick expulsion of breath whicli wo call laughter. Sometimes it is born Os the sun shine and sometime i of tho midnight. Some times it stirs tho sympathies of angels and sometime* the cnehinuntion of devils. All healthy people laugh. Whether It pleasht or displeases God depends upoii when w.'laugh and at what we laugh. I propose this morn ing to speak to yon on the laughter of tho Bible, namely, Sarah’s laugh, or the laugh of scepticism! David’s laugh, or that of spirit ual exultation; the fool’s laugh, or that of sinful merriment: God’s laugh, or that of divine indignation: Heaven’s laugh, or that of eternal triumph. Scene: An oriental tent; theoCcuptmts,old Abraham and Sarah, probably wrinkled ami decrepit. Throe guest's one of them the Lord Almighty. To repay these old people for their hospitality, trod promises Sarah that she shall be the an oestress of the Lord Jesus Christ. She laughs in God’s faco. She does not believo it. Af frighted at what she has done silo says she did net laugh. Then God retorts with an emphasis that silences all discussion: "but thou didst laugh.” And that sceptical laugh of Sarah s ha - ha 1 its echo in the scepticism of all tho ages. God says Ho will ac complish a certain thing. People say: “I don’t believe it can be done: I don’t lie licvo it will lie done.” People laugh at tho miracles. They ray “the miracles are con trary to tlw laws of nature, and thereforo they r.ro impossible.” What is a law of nature? It is only God’s way of doing things. Ordinarily you cross to New York on the bridge. To morrow you decide to go bv Wall Street ferry. Aon formed your habit: you have a right to change your habit. I or dinarily enter tho church by this doer (indicating.) Next Sabbath morning I might enter it by that door (indicating), l formed mv habit. I have a right to change my habit. A law of nature is God’s habit. His way of doing things. If He has a right to form tho habit He lias g right to change it whenever ho chooses to change it. It is tin pwl’ul thing for us hi laugh back in the face of God, and say: “You cau’t do what You raid You would do;’’ or, “You won’t do it.” God says Die Bible is true, it is all true Bishop Colenso laughs, Herbert Spence r laughs, John Stuart Mill laughs, opaio of the German universities inugb. Harvard laughs softly, some of tho American institutions, with long rows of professors seated on the fence between Ghrislianty and infidelity, laugh softly, .rivy spy they did not laugh. Ah, that Is hiaiwu's old trick 1 For God thunders from five Heavens, “thou didst laugh.” The Gar den of Eden was only a fable. Noah’s ark was ail impossibility for it could not have fi dfl two of y-ncli kind. The pillar of fire by flight was only the “northern lights. ” Jacob's ladder was only horizontal and picturesque clouds. Tho sea parted only because tho wind blew a great while from one direction violently, and tho sea could not help leit •separate. The ten plagues of Egypt were j only a brilliant spocine nos (jugglery. The destroying angel smiting the first born of Egypt was i nly cholera infantum become epidemic. The gullet of the whale by p, i tive measurement is too small so swallow a prophet. Fun and moon did not put them selves out of the way for Joshua. The blind, Hie lame, the halt, who were cured in Bible times were not cured by supernatural power but by great skill of surgery. Tho resurrec tion of Christ’s friond was only a tableau. Christ and Lazarus and Mary and Martha only acted their parts well. Lazarus was not dead. He only played dead. He was riot 'resurrected. He only played rosurro-ted My .friends, there is not a statement in that bV* <>r a theory in that book, or a sentiment iii 1 hat book, or a fact in that book lint lias been j disputed and laughed at by modern sceptic ism- Here is King James’translation I be lieve it to be a perfect Bible. Now let me tear out all those portions of the Bible which modern scepticism would have me tear out Where shall we begin? “Well,” says some man: “Take out all that about the creation and the settlement of the world ” There goes Genesis. “Well,” says some one, “take out next all that about the miraculous I guidance of the Israelites in the wilderness ” There goes Exodus. Says some man: “There are things in Deuteronomy and the Kiu»s which are not fit to be read.” Away go Deu teronomy anl the kings. Some man says “ Take that out which is only tho fable"of Job’s writings.” Away goes Job. Some man says, “take out that from the New Testament which declares tho divinity of Jesus Christ.” Away go the evangelists ! Somebody says: “That is absurd in the 1 work of Revelation about a man with the moon under his feet and a sword proceeding from his mouth.” Away goei Revelation. We have a few pieces left; what shall we do with them* Horn • man -av- f don’t believe a word of the book from begin ning to end. It is all gone now. Oh, do you 1 not think we had better keep the Bibie a lit- ; tie longer inf a t? It has done pretty well for i a good many years; then there are some. I old people who like to bold >« on their laps, and there am I children who like to rend its stories. If (fin Bible is to b. put away in the dark corner of some city library, the Koran on one side and the writings or Confucius on tho other per haps we had bc*t„ r keep one copy for our selves, for we night have trouble and wo «-;.ld want the de.„ ion of ibi consolation, and w might die an*. W(1 would hke to b< deludes-, With the story „ f hfeh re ',|em-o , the presence of Gox • awful thing to throw back ' -.M’s revelafi"" into His fa'-e, and sav: q ,i i, lieve it.” After awl, do, the day wh n people will say. - I did not I ni*i, A T „ ' all the hypereritici-ms and ihe <-4i atures and the sneers at the Bible will be Woiio-ht into judgment, and* amid the r., ki„» f everything beneath, and amid the flamina of everything above. God will thunder froePllie heavens: “That thou didst l m gh ” dh most las -mating laughter at Christianity f l,*- I ever heard was The More Parker. [ -at in flit hall in Boston and heard him make many of the pa.-ac.-sos the word of God seem, absolutely ridiculous and that man w.-:,t| „ I H ., a(i ' our holy i hristiaiuty until < a, ue to u.«, i and then he aid: “M- file ha- beeua failure; domestic-aliv a failure, I have no children socially a failure, ih y tr at me like a niiate : on the street; professionally a failure, for I 1 know but one minister who has adopte I my sentiments.” For twenty-five years that man I laughed at Christianity and Christianity has ever since been laughing at him. Oh it j sa mean thing to go into a man's house and steal his g aids, but the most gigantic i burglary of the centuries is the attempt to i take away these treasures of the soul. O.- .-.li . th laughter on earth or hell ever heard the meanest laughter is tle sceptic s laugh- pro posing to take our only cons loti on in trouble an I our only pdlow in death aud give us as a sulistituta ab-olately nothin;*. The next laughter of the Bible that I notice * is David's laugh, or that of spiritual e'.uita tion He sav-: “Then was uriy mouth filled with laughter. ’ Aou know he sometimes got clear down, he was at times verv meiaticholv Tten be rose up and in some chanter* he caJU i iortn tho people rear or ttve times to sing and rejoice aud InugH. It is hot merely the teaching of the lips with him; it is a demon stration that takes all his body and all his soul. “Then was my mouth tilled with laughter.” My friends, if this world is ever converted to God it will be because Chris tians cry less and laugh more. The horrors make a poor bait to fish with. People do not want, a morbid Christianity. 1 know there are people so morbid in feeling that they actually enjoy a funeral. They go early to set) tDo friends, taue leave of the corpse anu then steal a fide to tho cemetery. But the vast majority of healthy people, ail healthy people, enjoy a Wedding better tliaii they do a burial, and If voU make religion s -prechral and hearse-like j-oti make it repul sive. Bo I say, plant rose of Sharon along the walks of tho church, and columbine to run ou the walls of the church and let there he a shiile on the lip, and let, there be holy laughter in tho soul. 1 think that a Christian is the only man who hasn right to untrauimeled glee, for ha is promised that ail things are for the best in this world, aud ho is on his way to a delight which it will take all the processions with palm bran -lies, ami all the orchestras, harped and cymbaled ah 1 trunipted, to express. Re i"ieo evermore, and again X stty rejoice. Tli l merriest laughter 1 l.avo ever h ard has been in die sick l oom of God's dar children. Theodosius was put iipoii tho rack for Christ's, sake. lie gave an a -count: of it afterward un i -aid: “When 1 was put, on tho rack 1 Suffered awfully, but a young man iii white came with a soft ami e-.iu ortable handkerchief and wiped my forehead, and my sufferings were alleviated, and it was nil actual punishment for me to be take v off tho rack, for as soon as all the suffering was gone the angel was yon,..' And last Friday night standing by the driiig bed of a Christian, I said lo him: "What word will you send to the church so-i ice wh re lam going to-night?” and, rai l'd.lg all his energies, and his face shining 1 !:;■ heaven, he said: “Tell them to be of good oh v>r.” “Oh,” says someone, “I have so many troubles, and so many sicknesses, nil so many persecutions; and so many trials; that doctrine won’t ilo for me.” Have you it any wirse than Paul bad it? Driven out, perse cuted. tried, spit upoh, slain. A’et, h<Sar him ' iay: “Boi rowlul yet rejoicing.poor yet inak in ;• many rieh. having nothing yet possessing ail things.” Why, sometimes, mv friends, there is more religion in a laugh than in a groan. Anybody can groan, hut to laugh in ih-' midst of trial aud persCoiif ion and suffer ing, it takes a David, a Daniel, a Paul, a mo lent heroine to do tint. The next laugh of the Bible that I shall mention is tho tool’s laugh, or tho expression! of sinful m»rriinent. Solomon was very (pi ‘k at a simile anil when lie makes a com parison everybody catches it right away. Solomon, what is afo d’s laugh like* lie an swers: “The crackling of thorns under a pot.” Tho kettle is swung, a bunch of brambles is put under it, a torch is applied, there is n great i.i«w and a big noise aud a splutter, and a quick: extinguish ment. and it is darker than it was before. A fooi’s laughter. The most miserable thing on earth is a bad man’s fun. Ten men in a bar room and an impure joke starts at one end of tho barroom, and crackle, crackle, crackle it goes all around. li. 509 su"b guffaws no t, one element of happiness. They all feel bemoaned, for they bavo wives, mothers, daughters at home. I have not any faith in either a man’s Christian character or common morality, who either tells or laughs at an imnure joke. Men nml women are no better than thoir conver sation. If you love to tell or love to hoar impure jokes it is because you are depraved. Yet there are men who call themselves gen tlemen who indulge in impure conversation, and laugh at impure jokes; and I have been told that in womanly circles there are those who call themselves ladies, yet who tell impure stories, or laugh at them when they are told. They are half harlots, incipient Magdalens— under powerful temptation thoy would become waifs of the street. Beware of man or woman who tells or laughs at an impure joke. It is the fool’s laughter, “tho crackling of thorns under a pot.” Bo also all merriment that is made at the frailties, at tin* misfortunes,of others. Tho earieatureof a lame foot, or a curved spine, or a blind eye or a deaf ear. God will write it out in judgment either to you or your children. Twenty years ago I saw a man very skillfully minfic his neigh bor’s Jaino foot. He did it with wonderful skill. Not long ago, th > son of that skillful mimic lia l his leg amputate i for tho very in firmity that the father had caricatured in the neighbor years ago. I rlo not say it was a judgment of God. A r ou can say what you please. But I say beware, look out how you i ni-i ature the infirmities of others. It is the fools laughter. So is also all th" ni rriment that is aroused from dissipation, that starts from the drinking restaurant or from the wine cup of the social circle, Ihe simpering and the sat urnine gibberish, the laughter at nothing, which you sometimes heir after the wine lias taken ils effect in the social circle or in the chill room. It is all the laughter of the fool When 1 was a lad a book was published called “Dow Junior's Sermons.” Itbndalarge circulation; it made everybody laugh: it was considered a very witty and funny thing. I had a copy present d to me iu iny childhood. 1 read it. The wiu.l ; book was a caricature of the church, of the ministry, of theßiblean lofth Dayof Judgment. Oh,how the world laughed at it. The commentary of the whole thing is that the author of that book not long ago died in poverty, shame, debauch. Kicked out of decent society and under tho curse of Almighty God. I charge ou the young people of this congregation, in tho presence of Almighty God, have nothing to do with these styles of mirth that I have Isen sjieaking of. It de spoils the character, if your lips are not pure it is because your heart is rotten. The next laughter of the Bible that I speak of is God’s laugh of indignation. The Bible says: “He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh.” It says in another place: “The Lord shall laugh.” In another place it says: “I will laugh at your calamity.” With that demonstration God meets great sins and wick edness. Here is a man building up his vil lainies. It seems as if he has I eaten the Lord because of his successful schemes. I can show you men in Brooklyn and New A’ork now who are going right on building up their villanies, and they seem to be successful. But wait. After awhile the pin will get out of the nia -hinery of wickednes-s or the fatal se< ret will Is- "told and everything will go into demolition. The crash of the ruin will be the reverbera-' tion of the wrat hos God’s indignation. Wall itreet is a great place for good men and for had men. There are no tletter rnen in the world than you will fin I in Wall street and no worse men. A fraudulent man of that street says: “I mean to get a million dollars and I don’t care how I get them.” Reckless of all the laws of honesty, he goes ahead and he gets his He goes on aud he gets hi- sg'lOJKKi. He gee, on until he gets his jSoOO/XJO. Now,” he says, “f have but one more stroke to make and then i ll haverny million.” He gathers together all his re* tri es. He risks everything on one grand thr w. He loses. He fails, lie has not act udli - enough money of his own to pay his ear (are home. What is the matter: You say, ‘great stir in Erie railway stocks,” or, -‘great stir iii Western Union,’ or, “great stir in Illinois Central,” or you charge it to this speculator or that speculator They all guess and they guess wrong. I will tell you what was th* matter. He that MT. VERNON. MONTGOMERY CO.. 0A„ THURSDAY. JUNE It. 18811. jit,tetri in trie Ileriveus laughel. A man in Nt>\\ Ybrk, rs resolved to lx* the wealthiest man iu the oil) 1 . H« his hon est work ns a ehairmaker, went into {.olitivs, got elected to the city councils and in ton years stolo from the* city government $15,- 000,000, ll»* held the Legislature of the State of Now York in the grip of his right hand. After a while suspicion was arous 'd. Tho (hand Jury brought in an indictment. The whole Inn l stood aghast. That inan who expected to put half of Now York in his Vest pocket gc to Ludlow Street jail, goes to Blackwells Island, escaping prison crosscrt tMo ocean, is t*ertrrested | routes buck, B lvimprisoned mid dihs there. Why? Ho that sitteth in the heavens laughed. Romo was a great empire. She had Horace and Virgil among her poets; she had August us and Con tant.ine among her emperors. But why thedolaced Lantheon? why the broken walls of the Coliseum* why the forum turned into « rattle market? Why t.he architectural skele tons of her ac pit ducts? What, is that thun der? You say it is the battering rams coming against her walls. No. What is thatquivering? You say it is tho tramp of hostile legions, No. The quivering and the roaring are tho outburst of tin* unlmpotent laughter of a of a dolled and insulted Heaven. Romo dotted (rod all 1 He laughed her down; Thebes delie l (idilaud He laughed h.*r clown; Babylon de fil’d (tod oliu lie l&tighc I Ivr down. Oh, there is n great difference between Hod's smile and God’s laugh. The smile, it i.s eternal beatitude, it is the bells of lrftveii striking a wedding peal. The smile Os God, it is!h<s 15th of May, the apple orchards in lull "loom. God smiled when David sang, mi l Miriam «*lapj»od the cymbals, and Han nah made the garments for her son, and Paul j iva lied and »St. John kindled wifli apoca lyptic vision! But oh, the laughter of God, may wo never hear it! It means pun ishment for our sin, it means Wast ing away under 11 is indignation. God wants us to livo in His smile. Hocomos down from Heaven. Ho e a\-< s us, He bogs us to com * from our sins into righteousness, lb' comes into this world in the person of Christ. He takes up tho sins of tho world and Ho puts them on ono ix.O drier, aud'He takes up tho sorrows of tho world and puts them on t lie ot her shoulder, and then with this Alp on one side and this Himalaya on tho other. Ho climbs up the sleep just outside tho city of Jeru salem to achieve our redemption; #put ting tho palm of ono hand ort one mik* aud and putting the palm of the other hand on another spike, He stretched forth His hands bespottod with His own blood and lie gesticulates and says: “Look and live, look and live; with tho crimson veil of my sacrifice I will cover up all your sins; with my dying groans 1 will swallow up all your groans, look and I ivr*, look and live.” If a man turns from that, then GodM voice changes its intonation and it comes through the first chapter of Proverbs like t. ic simoom of tho desert ami says: “Because I called and you refused, and stretched out my h:in 1 and no mail regarded, and yet put at naught all my counsel and despised my reproof, therefore I will laugh at your <a hunity. Oh, this day by turning unto God through Jostts Christ let us decide tint we will *live forever in tho light of His smile./md escape forever the thunder of the laugh of: His indignat ion. Another laughter of the Bible and the last one I shall mention —is the Heavenly laugh, or the one of eternal triumph. Christ said to his disciples: “Blessedare ye that weep now, for yo shall laugh.” That takes away the idea that we are forever in Heaven to be sing ing long-meter psalms. Tho formalistic and stiff notions of some people in re cord to Heaven Would make mo miserable. When Christ says to His disciples “blessed are ye that weep now, ye shall laugh,” I know that heaven is not only going to be a place of worship, but also a magnificent sociability. What, will the ringing laughter go all around the circles of the redeemed ? It will. Christ says so. “Yo shall laugh.” It will be a laugh of congratulation. If wo meet a friend who has met with what we call good fortune, and he has come from poverty to great riches, or he is restored from some dire sickness, wo grasp his hands and we laugh, and we congratulate him, and when we get in heaven wo will meet our friends who on earth lmd a hard time of it,and to ono of them we will say; “Why,the last time 1 saw you, you were down with six weeks of low intermittent fever. Now, how well you look. Immortal health on your cheek and eye. I congratulate you.” It will be the laugh of congratulation. To another ono we’ll we s iy:“Down in the world we saw you limping along with rheumatism, now you have the strength and the fleetness of an immortal athlete. J congratulate you.” It will bo tlie laugh of congratu lation. We will meet friends who failed in business. They went from iaui - to panic and from disaster to disaster in this world, and we will meet them there and we, will congratulate thorn. Jt will Ih? the laugh over cneir success, anu thoy will say: **Yo<, yes, this is my throne, this is my mansion, this is my companionship, this is mv Ghrist, this is my God.” Laugh of congratulation. And it will lx? also n laugh of reunion. Tho perceptions quickened, our knowl edge improved, wo will know each other at a flash. Oh, how much those who have been ten years in heaven will have to toll us about their ton years of celestial resi dence. Oh, how much we will have to tell them about she ten years of their nbsence from earth. And there i think George White field and John Wesley will give a laugh of contempt over their earthly misunderstand ings. And there I think Toplady and Charles Wesley will give a laugh of contempt over thf*ir earthly tnisunderstfinttings. 'Hie two farmers that for twenty years quar relled about a line fence’ in the heavenly country will give a laugh of contempt over their earthly quarrels. Ex emption from all sorrow. Immersion in nil joy. We shall laugh. Christ says so. We shall laugh. Oh, what a thrilling satisfaction to stand on the wall of heaven and look down at Satan and see him caged and chained, and feel that we are forever free from his clutches. Just think of it. You know how tho Frenchmen cheered when Napoleon the Great came back from Elba. You know how Englishmen cheered when Wellington came back from Waterloo. You know how Amer icans cheered when Kossuth came from Hungary. You know how Rome cheered when Pornpey re turned from victory over 90') cities,and every cheer was a laugh. But oh, the grander mirth aud the mightier gladness when we shall see the snow-white cavalry troop of Heaven moving through the streets, Christ ih the red coat, as described in Revelation, on a white horse riding on and all th" ar rule-; of Heaven on white hon-e . Oh. when we hear the click of the troops of that cavalcade we will shout and we will laugh. J)oes not this subject men and women immortal, make your heart beat quick with joy, been use «o soon we are to enter that great jubilee? We prav God that when we get through with this world and are going to leave it we j may have *•' in ching or the lieiief of the \ dying Christian who said be sav/ in the sky ; at the time he was dying the letter “W,’’and jxrople standing by bis dying lied said, “what j do you suppose it means.” after be ha/1 told them he had seen the letter “W." “We!! ” he ♦■aid, “it can mean only one thing, ‘W* J stands for ‘welcome.’” And so when we \ leave this world may it l>e “W” in the sky an I “W” at the door of the mansion, and “W” on the throne. Welcome, welcome, welcome!” I preach this sermon this morning because I have five prayerful wishes—that you may | how mean a thing is the laugh of ncepu* ? “ SUB DEO FAOIO FORTITER." cisin, that you may sea hmv Bright a thing in thu laugh of Christian exultation, that you may see how hollow ft thing is the laugh of sinful mirth, that you may see hnav awful a thing is Ihe laugh of God s indignation, anil that you may spa what a rapturous nml rubi cund thing is thP laugh of eternal triumph. Oh, my l,ord and my God, fill my soul with this rapture. Avoid evil. Choose the good. Bo comforted. Be comforted. “Blessed are vc that weep now, for yo shall laugh, ye shall laugh!” Dandies on Horseback, x r ’ Tho liaclondado on horseback, writes a Correspondent to the Springfield lteptMi ram, is a picture, usually conscious of it self; for these, fellows aro born dandies, ftnd both men and animals are full of jrraneing Rfe. The homos ere noble cron tnros, whose diesis hum been tnagnifi cently developed by the rnrefield air, and the rider is athletic nnrl a born horseman. He wears a suit, of Mack doth, a short, nattily out jacket with big silver buttons; a low cut waistcoat, or more often none to hide liis delicate, snbwy and frilled shirts; close pantaloons that bear along the outer seams two rows of fancy silver buttons; high-heeled and usually top boots that end in silver spurs; and n faja or sash of red and other brilliant color to bind the waist. Over the shoulder, or across the saddle, which is a most orna mental alTair, is carried the bright scrape that looks like, an immense Unman senl'f. Tho hat completes tho picture, and the ample proportions of that put ridicule upon the meagre head coverings of tho North, The only fault to be found with the fdt sombrero is its weight but for some occult reason it never seems burden some in the wearing. Buffalo Hill’s hats are ft lilaj on the genuine Mexican article. His wide brim is all rigid, but this crown rises to a dignity and comliness much like that which characterizes the head gear of Miles Morgan on your Court Square. But while Miles restricted him self to sober black, the Mexican indulges iu all colors from a beautiful silver gray, through browns to a gorgeous purple. The crown is encircled by a silver or gold cord, often iu three or even four coils, and the brim is embroidered with a wealth in silver or gold trimming. Straw hats .are of similar shape, and provided with pulled bands of the same material. A Capricious Composer. If the stories told of him arc true, Mans Von Billow is getting crankier day by day. It is related that during his last concert tour, as lie was about to take his seat at the piano, he saw some very plain women seated near the platform. At that he walked off the stage, and to his manager’s inquiries and entreaties said; “Until those ugly women are removed I will not play a note; so you may do its you please about it.” The manager stepped up on the stage, announced that lli-rr Von Billow had be come suddenly indisposed, and the or chestra would play a symphony which was to have been played later in the even ing. While the audience looked on in wonder he had a number of palms and shrubs from the conservatory near the concert room placed between the plat form and the audience. Then calling Hulow to the wing the manager asked if the view suited him, “Oh, yes, that’s all right,” quietly said the great musical), “as long us I don’t behold t hose monsters of ugliness i am quite indifferent to my surroundings.” And without any more ado, the capricious composer went on the platform and performed his shurc of the , programme. Nnr YoriHun. The Conductor “Fasted.” Did you ever 01141 railway ear observe the many bits of pasteboard that are thrust out lit the conductors, who hesi tate before tin y punch them and hand them back with an air that seems to say, “Well, ’tis none of my business,” and move on to another? That’s the “pass,” and a mighty useful thing it. is where the shekels are not redundant and the ways are long. Lecturers find it so especially, and Saxe —now old and, I am told, min ed in health arid spirits once told me one of his experiences that was very amusing. J!'- had passes on all the rail roads and steam boats in the West, he thought, but at one time in- found him self on a short road not down orj his chart upon which lie had no ticket. As the conductor came along he took all his passes from his pocket and held them in his hand like a deck of playing cards. “Mr. Conductor,” said he, “do you play euchre?” “Yes, sometimes.” “Well, what should you say to a hand like that?” “I should say pass,” and Saxe put up his cards as the conductor passed laugh ingly along. Hartford Pont. Couldn’t Say “Boo.” Ifer Little Brother (bolding up the cat) —“Say ‘Boo,’ Mr. Smith.” Mr. Smith “What for, Bobby?” Ifer little Brother— “t want to know if you 'an. His'er says you cant sry ; ‘Poo to a cat,’ ” — Judge. ALLIGATOR LORE. A Floricln Ghnradter who Hunts tho Saurians. Living Among Them for Months and Fa miliar With Tlioir Habits. Alligator Ferguson, a well known character in Florida, is (ltd subject of this sketch. lie has made a snug stltn from the teeth of the alligators lie has killed, and is an export at the business. Teeth an 1 worth from $4 to s."> a pound, and sometimes hegathcred from six to eight pounds in a single week, lie never canal anything for the bodies, although they are worth more than the teeth. Ferguson did not confine his operations to any particular portion of South Florida, but from Tampa to Biscay no Bay, and from tile saw grass fields of Lake Apopka to the shores of Okeechobee he created consternation among the scaly denizens of the marshes, and lie could lay claim to having killed more alligators than any other man living, lie made his bed among them, ate among them, spent many months among them ns his oidy companions, and it is probable that lie lianlly ever thought or talked of any thing but alligators. The gigantic snarls and growls with which tlmy communed together in early spring was the only mu sic which charmed his ears. At that time of the year lie knew they could be found in pairs and more easily captured, lie stayed among them so long that lie became, as some people said almost amphibious. One man thought Ferguson’s | teeth wore growing longer, and another, with an exceptionally keen pair of eyes, Was certain that the great hunter’s skin was growing rough and hard in patches, preparatory to changing into scales. Fer guson didn’t care a cent wlmt they said I oi' thought about him so long as lie could kill big alligators and sell their teeth. Jb- always claimed that the alligators were more plentiful on Fish Kilting ('reek, but that their teeth were very much inferior to those from other places. On the gulf const, he said, was the best place for real good teeth, and pro fessed a preference for salt water alliga tors. Those that live in salt water are of stouter build, and the head is larger in proportion to the body than that of the } fresh water species. Home people claim j that they are more ferocious I him the other, but Ferguson does not think so. lie is an expert at decoying alligators within range of his gun. lie has away of barking like a small dog, and when lie commenced that it would not be long be fore their huge snouts would be sticking i out of the water. Another way was to take a little dog or pig in his arms and I twist its tail so that it would yell and nt : tract the alligators. A screaming pig will excite the interest and attention of any alligator, no matter bow indolent or phlegmatic. Ferguson told me #iiit lie was hunting one spring morning near | Toliopekalign, and had brought a young, ‘ fine blooded dog with him. Coming to a deep, round pool, which formed a I small bay in the lake, he commenced looking out for alligators, which ho knew were to be found in that place in great ipiantitos. The dog was a little too eager for the sport and jumped into the water. Ferguson said he tried to call him back, but the dog was deaf to all remonstrance. When he reached the middle of the 000 l he began bowling and struggling and looked back appealingly to Ids master for help. In a few moments the dog disap pi JM'cd and was seen no more, ‘•lilt riled me awfully,” said Ferguson, “to see my purp gobbled down in that away, and I laid lor that ’gator. I wouldn’t a took the purticat lifty-dollar bill you ever saw for that dog, and I jest says to myself I am goin’ to make them 'gators hop; and I did make ’em hop. / lakes my Jeetlest purp, and I wrings and twists his tail 1111- twel lie hoi tors like as if he wus a bein’ killed, and, first I knowed, out popped the head of a whoppin' big ’gator. Then another one of the big black imps poked his sassy snoot out’ll the water, and hit warn’t, no time ’fore the pond was toeto tally covered with ’em. I never seen so many ’gators in the known world. I shot and shot and shot, until I was bodaeious ly out of breath, but I made them imps sweat. They eat up my purp, and 1 wouldn’t a-took a brand new fifty-uoi lar bill for him, but I everlastingly pep pered ’em for it.”— Chir/ujo Times. 11l the Home Neighborhood." Two wretched looking tramps were brought up before a Texas justice of the peace. Addressing the worst looking one, the justice asked: “Where do you live?” “Nowhere.” “And where do you live?” said the jus tice, addressing the other. “I've got the room above him,”—Hif tin'js. VOL. I. NO. 13. A I'conliar IMsh of Breens. The following incident occurred *>t a very curly date in the history of Maine. Among the new settlers of Pewupiid was one by the name of Alexander, who ac cording to custom, was chosen as I’rtpSain to command the little company of rmra which banded together for self-protection' In those dangerous times. Now Mrs. Alexander, being much puffed up by the honor, must needs make a feast to cele brate it. All her neighbors were invit eil, some of the women bringing knitting,, others coarse garments for sewing, and still other* their “little wheels” oil their backs, with ft distaff of flax to s|riu, and all bringing babies. One can imagine what a merry compa ny it was that gathered in tho great log kitchen, knitting nccdlcsclieking, Imbies crooning, and the flax-wheels humming like a great swarm of bees in a clover field, while outside the newly-made cap tain treated the men. over the lire and hanging from the huge iron crane was a big brass kettle, boiling furiously and emitting a most, fra grant odor. Then) was a whispering among the guests ns to what their hostess could be preparing, but all agreed that if it lasted half as good as it .smelled, it would be good enough. Dinner-time came, tilt! knitting was out aside, the babies were hushed to sleep, and the wheels pushed back against the walls. All gathered about the rough table expectantly, anil Mrs. Alexander, with a look of triumph, passed to each » goodly portion of tlm contents of the brass kettle, well seasoned and garnished with butter. As it happened, one of the guests a rough old trailer from Boston, and his natural gruffness of disposition had not been softened by his generous potations outside, lie looked at his dish curiously for a moment, tasted it, made a wry face, then shouted out, t<> the consternation of the company, “Woman, how much o’ this stuff did ye cook and butter?” “Why, a pound?” said tho captain’s wife, somewhat incensed. “Pray, isn’t that enough?" “Knough?” cried tho trader. “Yes, to kill tho whole settlement, stewed in yon pizen kettle I This is tni madam, for driukinj, not to be made into vile greens!” An explanation followed, anil Mrs. Alexander, to whom the article of tea was hitherto unknown, as also to her eipmlly ignorant neighbors, retired i rest , fallen, yet wo presume a much wiser woman. Youth's Companion. , Bangers from Bout’s Milk. A correspondent writes: The British Goat Society has held its half-yearly meetings and tlm report states that the committee have been able to supply goats to cottagers with very satisfactory re sults. Ho far this is good news, for a milch goat is tractable and gives a most abundant yield. But it is to be hoped thill tin- cottagers will be careful of tlioir milch goats, and will not allow them to pasture at large. The goat is proof against almost every known vegetable poison. Any one who doubts this may test tho fact for himself, fur there is nothing a goat likes so much as a mouth ful of tobacco. A goat which knows that you have tobacco about you will follow you anywhere and any distance for it. And it is an unkind practical joke to disturb the tranquility of a row of chaises at the seaside by the production of a tobacco-pouch. The cow, as we all know, from the time we first began our nursery rhymes, is partial to the “hem lock rank,” and there have been cases of poisoning from the milk of cows that Jiavc eaten hemlock. But the goat will cat with impunity not only hemlock, but yew dippings (which arc fatal both to cows and horses), bryony, foxglove, and, indeed, almost every poisonous plant. The result is, of course, to poison the milk, and it is consequently to be hoped that the favored cottagers will confine their goats to swedes, vetches, cut grass, and other such harmless substances, and will not allow them to roam at large.— HI. James's Gazette. On n Mexican Street Cur. Although the etiquette of a Mexican street car is free and fyjsy, and men smoke inside or on the platform, women are invariably treated with respect, and half a dozen men will get up to give place to any woman, young or old, rich or poor. The Mexican gentleman has all the courtesy for which the Latin races arc famous, and life is smoothed and its angles rounded by the constant courtesy of this most polite nation. Do not im agine that because people smoke in the street cars their interiors resemble the American railway smoker—all tilth under foot, and the air befouled with rank cigars and old pipes. The windows are generally open, and a constant current of air drives the smoke out, — Jioeton Herald.