Newspaper Page Text
®lv itfaitittor.
D. C. SUTTON, Editor and Proprietor.
REV- DR. TALMAGE
THE BKOOkIAN DIVINES SIN
DAY SKB MON.
Subject: “Preaching, Teaching "and
Exhorialion.”
Text: Or ministry, let vs wnit on our
ministering: or he that Ukteheth, on tench
ing; or he that exhorteth , on cxhqvt at igiW
-Romans, xii., 7-N.
Before the world is converted the style Rf
religious discourse will have to lie converted.
You might as well go into the modern fcednn
or Gettysburg with bows .tail arrows instead
of Titles and bombshells and sparks of artil
lery, as to expect to corn pier this world for
Giid by the old styles of exhortation and sor
monolgy. Jonathan Edwards preached the
sermons most adapted to the age in which he
lived, but if those sermons wore preached now
they would divide an audience into two
classes, those sound asleep ami those wanting
to go home.
Bnt there is a religions discourse of tho
future —who will preach it I have no idea; in
what part, of the earth it w ill be tom I have
no idea; in which denomination; of Christians
it will bo delivered I cannot guess. That
discourse or exhortation may be born in the
country meeting house on the banks ot the
St. Lawrence, or the Oregon, or the Ohio, or
the Tombigbee, or the Alabama. Tho per
son who shall deliver it may this moment bo
in a cradle under the shadow of the Sierra
Novadas, or in a New England farm-house,
or amid the rice-fields of Southern Savannas.
Or this moment there ilia v be some young man
in some of our theological seminaries, in the
junior or middle or senior class, shaping that
weapon of power. Or there may be coming
some new baptism of the Holy Gho it on the
churches, s 6 that Some of us who now stand
in the watch toWers of Zion, waking to a
realization of our present inefficiency, may
preach it ourselves. That coming discourse
may not be fifty years oT And let us pray
Gou that its arrival may be hastened, while 1
announce to you what I think will he tho
chief characteristics of that discourse or ox
hortation when itiloes arrive, and I want to
make the remarks of the morning appropri
ate and suggestive to all classes of Christ,an
workers
First of all I remark, that that future re
ligious discourse will be full of a living
Christ iu contradistinction todidactic techni
calities. A discourse niav be lull of Christ
though hardly mentioning His name, and a j
sermon may be empty of Christ while every
sentence is repititious of His titles. The
world wants a living Christ, not a Christ
standing at the head of a formal system of
theology, but a Christ who means pardon and
sympathy, and condolence, and broth*rhood,
and life, and heaven. A poor mail’s Christ.
A rich man’s Christ. An overworked man s
Christ. An invalid’s Christ. A farmer’s
Christ. A merchant’s Christ. An artisan's
Christ. An every man’s Christ.
Asymmetrical and tine-worded system of
theology is well enough for theological
classes, but it has no bit .incss in a pul
pit than have the technical phrases Os an
anatoinistor a psycho’.ogi tor a physician in
the sick room of a patient. The world want s
help, immediate and world uplifting, mid it
will come through a dis-oursc in which
Christ shall walk right down into the immor
tal soul and take everlasting possession of it,
filling it as full of light as is this noonday
firmament.
That sermon or oxlioi tat ion of the future
will not deal with man in the thread
bare illustrations of Jesus Ohrid-. In that
coming address there w ill be instance* of
vicarious suffering taken right out of every
day life, for there is not a day somebody i“
not dying for others. As flip phvsii inn sav
ing his diphtheritic patient by sacrificing his
own life; as the slop captain going down
with his vcsrel while he is getting his pas- I
sengers into Iht; life boat; as the. bio- !
man consuming in tho burning I tiilding
while he is taking a child oat
of a fourth story window; as in summer ]
the strong swimmer at East Hampton, or i
Long Branch, or Cape May, or ball" George, j
himself perished trying lo rcs- uo the drown
ing; as the newspaper boy one summer, sup
porting his mother for some years, his inva'id !
mother, when offered by a gentleman fifty
cents so get some espe ial-paper, ami lie got
it, and rushed up in his anxiety lo deliver it,
and was crushed under the wheels of the
train, and Jay on the grass with only strength
enough to say: “Qli, wliat vv ill become of my
poor sick mother now;’’
Vicarious suffering. The world is full of it.
An engineer sai l to me on a locomotive in
Dakota : “Wo men seem to he corning to
better appreciation than we used to. Did
you sec that account the other day of an
engineer who, to save his passengers, stuck to
his place, and when he was found den I in the
locomotive, which was ujiside down, he was
found still smiling, his hand on the air brake'” j
An-1 ns the engineer said it to inn, be pul bis j
hand on tho air-brake to illus ! r.it-- his mean
ing. and I looked at him and thought; “You
would be just as much of a hero in the same
crisi*.”
Oh, in that religious discourse of the future
there will be living illustrations taken out
from every-day life of vicarious suffering—
illustrations that will bring to mind the
ghastlier sacrifice of Him who in the high
places of the field, on Iho cross, fought our
battles, and wept our gi iel *. and endured our
struggle, and died our de itii
A German sculptor made an image of
Christ, and he asked h s little child two years
old who it wad, and she said: “That must be
some great matt.’ Tii - s ulptor was dis
pleased with til ) ci it:-ism, so h- got
another block of marble, and r liisoiol
awayonittwo or throe years, and thou lie
brought in his little child I our or live years of
age, and hes-iid to her: “Who do you think
that is?’ she said: That mu :t bet »• i >ne who
took little children in b!s nrrt s and Ue;-u-.l
them.” Then the sculptor was sit sfird. Oh.
my friends, what the world wants is not a
cold Christ, not an inteile -tual Christ, not .**
severely magist-rial Christ, but a loving
Christ, spread ug < nt His aims of sympathy
to prises the who! vv->rl Ito IBs loving heart.
But, 1 remark again, that the religious due
course of the futur-- will lx? short 1 'Oii:t<*ii —t
tion is demanded by the age in wh en we live.
No more need of long introductions un 1 loir;
applications, and so many .divisions to a die
course that it may he said fob*? hydra-head *l.
In other days men got all their information
front the pulpit. There were le" Looks oid
there were no newspaper*, ;m ! tii e was lit
tle travel from place to pla'e, a-i-i p - -pi*
would sit anti listen two and a ball
hours to a rehrinos ftis-ours’. an 1
“seventccnthly” would find them fr.-sh
an-1 chip|s;r. In tho-*) days there was
enough time for a man to take on hour to
warm he iis-*lf up to the subje-t an 1 an hour
to cool off. But what was u lice sity then
is a superfluity now. C irigregait-uts »r- full
of knowledge from books, liwn mewspufs-rs,
fro n rapid and couth.tici** iiiterroriim'i’i (ca
tion, ou-1 long -Us 4uisiti- -iis o£ vv bat. thy
know already will not I.** rib de-1 II a rolig
ious tea'-her CaiTOot - omi-cvvlrit he wish***
to sav to the jicople ill th- ju- e of forty-live
mi antes. tv*ttr*r a-l joum if to *=om-* other day.
The trouble is we pr-uu-h audiences into a
Christian frame, and then we prea- h them
out of it. Vt'v forget that every auditor lias
so much capacity of ntt- ttt.ion. and when that
is exhausted he is nasties*. lliat accident on
the Long Islam I Railroad vone- years ago
r-*n>e from th** fact tliat the brakes were out.
ol oid :\ and wli- :i they wniitcfi to stop the
tram they could not stop, and hence the
casualty was tt-nilie. In all religious dis
course wo want locomotive power and pro i
pulsion. We want nl thcsinio time stout j
brakes t-' lei down at th** right, instant. It is
a dismal thing after a hearer has * ompre
bended the whole subject., to hear a man say:
“Now to recapitulate,A anti “a few words by
way of application,” and “once more,” mi l
“finally,' and "now to coneludo.”
I’aui preached until midnight, and Kuty
chus got sound asleep mid fell out, of a win
dow and broke his neck. Some would say:
“Good for him.” I wouhl rather Is* sympa
thetic like Raul and resuscitate him That
accident is often -pintod n*nv in religious
circles as a warning against somnolence in
church. It is just ns much a warning to min
isters against prolixity. Kutyclms was
wrong in his somnolence, but Haul made a
mistake when ho kept on until midnight. He
ought to have stopjied at eleven o'clock, mm
therewould have been no accident. If I'aul
might have gone oil to too great length, let 1
all those of us who are now preaching the
Gospel re mem tier that there is a limit to re- j
ligious discourse, or ought to Ik-, and that in l
our time we have no apostolic power of
miracles.
Napoleon in an address of seven minutes
thrilled his urmy,and thrilled Europe. Christ’s
.Sermon on tho Mount,the model sermon, was \
less than eighteen inniutes long at ordinary
mode of delivery. It is not electricity scat
tered all over (lie sky that strikes, but |
tricity gathered into a thunderbolt mid hurled,
and it is not religious truth scattered over,
spread out over a vast reach of time, but re
ligious truth projected in compact form that
hashes light upon tho soul and rives its indif
ference.
When the religious discourse of the future
arrives in this land and in the Christian
church, tho discourse which is to arouse tho
world and startle the nations, anil usher in
tho kingdom, it will be a brief discourse.
Hear it all theological students, all ye just
entering upon religious work, all ye men and
women who in .Sabbath-schools and other de
partments are toiling for Christ and the sal
vation of immortals: Brevity! Brevity!
But 1 remark also that too religious dis
course of the future of which I speak will bo
a popular discourse. There arc those in these
times who speak of a popular sermon as
though there must be something wrongabout
it. As those critics are dull t hemselves the
world gets the impression that a sermon is
good in proportion as it. is stupid. Christ
was tho most popular preacher tho world
ever saw, nn I considering tho small number
of the world’s population, had the largest
audience ever gathered. 1 [.* never piv n-lied
anywnere wit hout making a groat sensation.
People rushed out in the wilderness to hear
him, reckless of their physical necessities. JSo
great was their anxiety to h--ar Christ that,
taking no food with them, they would have
fainted and starved had not Christ perform*) l
a miracle and foil them.
Why did so many jx-ople take the truth at.
Christ's hands' Because they all understood
it. He illustrated his subject by ah -n and
her chickens, by a bushel measure, liyaliand
ful of salt, by a bird’s (light and by a lily's
aroma. All tho people knew what Ho meant
and they flocked lo Him. And when the re
ligious dis ourse of the future up;*-ira, it will
not he .lTincetoniaii, not Rochcsterian, not
Andoverian, not Midillctonian, but Olfvetic—
plain, practical, uniipio, i arucst - cnmpri -
iicnsivo of all the woes, wants, sins, sorrows
and necessities of an auditory.
Rut when that exhortation or discourse
does coin*- there Will l>* a thousand gleaming
seimetars to charge on it. There arc in so
many theological seminaries professors toll
ing young men how to preach, themselves
not knowing how; and 1 am told that if a
young man iu some of our theological semi
unties says anything quaint or thrilling <>r
uni-pie, faculty and students lly at him and
sot him right, an-1 straighten him out, and
smooth him down, and chop him off, until lie
say.: everything just a.s everybody cls*» says it.
(Hi, when the future religious dis-ourse of
tin- Christian church arrives,all the churches
of Chid in our great eitie : w ill Ik) throng-*!.
Tho world want* spiritual help. All who
have buried their d ad want comfort. AH
k-io-.v themselves to In- mortal and to !h) ini
mortal and I hey want to laar about the great,
future. 1 tell you. my friends, if the people
of our great cities who nave had trouble only
thought they could get practical and sym
pallietie help iu the (’lirisl ion church, there
Would not be a street iu New York, or
Brooklyn, or t.’hi*-ago, or t Jiarh-ston, or Phil
ndeipiiia, or Boston w hich would lie passable
on the .Sabbat 1 1 day it tlieir wore ai-hurch on
it: for .-ill the people vvoukl press to that,
a- v him of mercy, tb it great lions- of comfort
and consolation.
A mother with a deal bats- in h-r arms
came to the god Veda, and asked to have her
child restored to life. The god Veda said to
her: “ You go and got a handful ot mustard
from a house iu which there lias lieeti n->
sorrow, and in which then- has l«—n no
death, and I will restore your child to life.”
So tlie mother went out, and she went from
house to house, and from home to home, look
ing for a place where there had been no
sorrow and where there had ix-en no death,
but she found none. She went back to
tlje god Veda and said: “My mission is a
failure; you see I haven't brought the
mustard seed; 1 can't find a place where
then- huts been no sorrow and no death.
“Oh,” says the god Veda, “understand your
sorrows are no worse than th- sorrow-sot*
others; wc all have our griefs, and all have
our heart-breaks.”
Laugh and the world laugh.* with you,
Weep, and you weep alone;
For (tie sad old --art li must borrow its mil th.
But lias trouble enough of its own.
We hear a great deal of discussion now all
over the land about why people do not go to
church. Some say it is lx-caus*- Christianity
1 is di ing out. and because people do not be
| lievc in the truth of God's word, and all that.
They are false 1 as-ins. The reason is la-cause
| our sermons and exhortations are not inter
: csting, and pin-tical, and helpful. Someone
; might as well t*-il the whole truth on this sure
t. and so 1 will I*-ll it. The religious dis
course of tiie lullin', tii*' Gosjm-I s-rmon t/>
come forth iunl shake t a- nations and lift
jrjople out of darkness, will lie a popular ser
mon, just for th - simple reason that it will
meet t In* wish an 1 the wants and the anxie
; Ucsof til: |ieople.
I ii< re arc in all our denominations eccleei
: a d ical mummies sitting around to frown
upon the Iri sh youug pulpits of America, to
try toawi* fh'in down, to'l'y out: ” ut! tut!
j tot!'tViis d ional! They stand to-ilny preach
ing tii eluir- Ik s that hold a thousand people,
mid f her** nr** a hundred persons presmit, and
if i Im* v cannot have the world saved in their
way it «xt*3i«as if they do not want it saved
at nil
I do not know but th - old way of making
111 nister sos Hie Gospel ts-1 *'U« r—a collegiate
** luta’iofi and'an apf*r-nt?C—;hfp tinder the
can; and h->t:i** ot tell Lion *>f some earnest,
| a -1 Christian minister, the young man
| p*'tin : the f otrnr*h'» spint and assisting
l.iorjn bts'nfligio.».-i arrvi*-. Y'ouitg lawye s
>tn ly wish oid lowsers, young phvsici ins
wd!i ol*i physirians. and I lx*U**v<* itwonld lie
•i grant h ip if every young ii-tn studying
[or the G *sp»l ministry could put liinrsdf in
tic- pome, and h-*art. a.u*l sv*n[r*thv, an*l
mi ler in * lienedbAion a.ai [wrfs;tual pr* - ;nce
ot aC'hri'ii in m;i:i«ter.
But Ti—n c k again, the religious dift'-ourto
o' life- future will b * an awakening sermon.
From alter rail to tin: front d ior stpp under
tn-it s rnion an atvlicnce will g.-t up and start
for IsHV- n. Tt*,* r • will ts* iu it many a stac
cato |«s ngc. it Will not l/e a lullaby: it
w .11 Is* a battle cn.nrg *. Men will drop their
k a*, lor they will ted the hot breath of pur
-1 » -out t-b dioti <>u t!ie I.a- kof tbeir n<-* l;s.
1 it *.vit Ibe ;/:npal!i-Uc w ith all the physical
M l'. VKIJNON, MONTGOMERY (’()., (iA., WEDNESDAY, Al (i 1 ST ISS7.
il stress *s a- writ a.* tin* spiritual <listn*sses of
llii- world Christ not only preached but lb* j
lie.ileil p iimlysis, and lb* lic il-d epiloysy, and
He healeil tin* ilu-nb and the blind and ton
lepers.
That religious dis* our ;-.)of the future w ill
lie an **v.*ryd.ay sermon, going right down
iiitoevorv man’s life, and it w ill tench him
bow I*, vole, how t*. b irgain, how to plough,
liow lode any work Is* is cal I***l to. howto
wr id trowel and pm an I p'ticd and yard
stick and plain*. Ami it will teach women
liovv to pro.-i b* <>v**r th**ir liousehohls, and
Imw to cdnat**' their children, and howto
inutile Miriam and* Estlvr and Ynsht-i and
Eunice, 111 ■ moth *r of Timothy, and Mary,
toe mother of Christ: and tho*** women who
on Northern and Simthcrn battlefields, were
inistak**n by the wound >*l for angolsof mercy
fresh from Huy throne of God.
Yes, l have to til! you tho religious dis
coins* of tiic lullin' will 1..* a i-eportod set
mou. 1 f you have an idea that printing was
invented simply to print S'cnlar books, and
stenography and phonography won* con
triw-J merely to set, forth secular ideas, you
art* mist ikon. The printing press is to lie the
great agency ot Gospel proclamation. It is
Ic.gii tinit* that good men instead of ilenoune
mg the press employ it to scatter forth the
t .o*I«*l ol Jesus Christ. The vast majority
of people in our eit ies do not come to church,
and nothing but the printed sermon can
reach them an I on I them to panion, and
life, and pen •*), and heaven
So 1 cannot, understand the nervousness of
some of my brethren of the ministry. When
they s'*— a newspa|ior man coining in they
say: “Alas, there is a reporter.” Every
added reporter is t**n thousand, fifty thou
snid, a hundred thousand immortal souls
ndde Ito the auditory. I’ll*) time will come
when all tin- village.town and **it y in*wspii|M*rs
will reproduce the Gospel of J**sus Christ, ami
s 'l-nions pronohedon flu* Sabbath will rever
berate all around the world, and, some by
type and some by voice, all nations will be
evangelized.
The practical bearing of this is upon those
w ho are engaged in Christian work, not only
npai theological stu lent* and young minis
tors, hut upon all who preach the Gospel, and
oil who exhort in meeting, and that iu allot
you if you arc *1 .ing your duty. Do you ex
hort iu prayer meeting? Bo short anil Ik*
spirited. Do you teach in Bible class?
Though you have to study every night bo in
teresting. Do you accost, jicoplo on the sub
j«*«-t of religion in their homes or in public
places? Study adroitness and use common
sens-.*. The most graceful and most U*autifitl
tiling on earth is the religion of Jesus Christ,
and if you aw kwardly present-it, it is defa
mation." We must doom- work rapidly, and
we must do it effectively. Soon our time for
work will bo gone.
A dying Christian took out his watch and
gave, it to a friend and said: “Take that
watch, I liavo no more use for it; time is
ended for me and eternity begins.” t)h, my
friends, when our watch has ticked away for
us the last moment, and our clock has struck
tor us tho last hour, may it be found wc did
our work well, that w- did it in the very lx*st
way, and whether we preached the Gospel in
pulpits or taught. Sabbath classes, or ad
ministered t‘> the sick as physicians, or
bargained us merclnuits, or plead the
law as attorneys or were busy as
artisans, or as husbandmen, or ns meehan
ies, or were like Martha called to give a meal
to a hungry Christ, or like Ilnmmh to make »
coat for a prophet, or like DolKirah to rouse
tne courage of some timid Barak in theta d’s
conflict, wo did our work in such away that
it w ill stand the tost of tho Judgment. And
in the long procession of the redeemed that
march around the throne, may it Is* found
there arc many there brought toGoil through
(mr instrumentality ami in whose rescue wo
an* exultant.
But, <) ye unsaved, wait not for that ro
ligious discourse of tho future. 11. may come
'alter your obse-iuics. 11. may come after the
stone-cutter has chiseled your inline on the
slab, fitly years bchne. Do not wait for n
great steamer of tin* Cunard or White mai
lin') to take you off (lie wreck, hilt hail tin
first craft, with however low a mast and
however small a hulk, mid however poor a
rudder, an ! however w-* a-, a captain. Better
u disabled schooner that conic* up in'time
t'inii a fml rigged brig that cornea up alter
yoa have sunken.
Instead of waiting for that religious dis
course of the future—it maybe lolly, fifty
years off —take this plain invitation of a man
who, to ha * e given yon spiritual eyesight,
would bo glad to be called Iho spittle by Un
hand of Christ put on tho eyes of a blind
man. and who wouhl consider the highest
compliment of this service, if at the close five
hundred men should start from (lies-: doors,
saying: “Whether he lie a sinner or no, 1
know not. This ono thing I know, wlureuK
I was blind now 1 nee.”
Swifter than shadows over the plain,
quicker than birds in their autumnal (light,
b istier than eagles to their prey, hie you to
it sympathetic Christ. The orchestras of
heaven have already strung I heir instruments
to celebrate your rescue.
“Amt many w**re (la* voices nro-ind the thron*^
Rejoice, for the Lord li.iiigs hack his own.?
Arc Animals Happy \
“Are aninmla mentally lmppy?” aski
i Mr. 11. (Jarlill in tin- Ninclenitli Century.
He, answers that lie tliinks they are. W«
maj- not lie able to get a direct answer ia
words from the animal world to the
(}uc ;tion “Is lib* worth living'” lie snye,
but we get un answer in sounds anil
signs which, on nil ordinary rules of in
terpretation, are equally decisive in the
affirmative. Animals have no motive
for dissimulation; if they appear happy
they probably are, if tin y sound happy
they probably ure, and liulf an hour of *
summer’s evening spent in seel union
! near a rabbit warren would probably
convince any one that in capacity, ns in
opportunity, for enjoyment, rabbits still
deserved Unde lleinus’ descliption,
“more saner than some folks.” There
is, of course, no doubt flint animals ure
| influenced by many of tin- seutimenla
I which make or mar the happiness <4
human beings, such as love of home, cm
j of freedom, sociable ness, mutual uttacls
! m< tit, and the like; ami on the other
; hand, jealousy, hatred, and revenge.
Htill, as Mr. Carlill remarks, all forbid
| ing, all anxiety, nil care, all serious
i thought for tlo; morrow, which eonsti
tutes three-fourths of human misery, is
to animals absolutely unknowable; and
of th* remaining quarter, how much is
th ere which is purely the product of civ
ilization, and from which animals, equal
ly w ith the lower savages, are ulso free?
I flare, Mr. Carlill might have added, is
the jsmalt.y of tnau’s higher nature, but
that care is vastly more thaneompensat
od by the enjoyments and tin- liojs-s of
futurity which that higher nature rend
ers jiossible. — fJhrisUan Worht.
The greatest man is he who is bjtli
I' born and made, who is at once jioetic.il
and scientific, who fins genius and
talent, each supporting the othe*
“SUB DEO FACIO FORT ITER.”
THU .ItlKlillS' ITHCKT.
WHAT IVR I'INI> IN Till*; roll- I
GAINS OF TH I’. llllMonmiS
I’Ari'/Hs.
I
It xvas in t’hU-ngo \ Man lion ;
Time Flew It was the Doctor’s j
Day An Ancient l-’aniily A fair
Divide, Ft**., Hie.
ms TERMS.
Some fiO years ago Hilly l’alfen tv ns a
currier in Ltoxbnry. iatouard lb Htir- |
rington served his apprenticeship with j
him. “01*1 Hilly,”ns lie was called,wiis
a queer fcllotv. I hiving lost consider
able money bv giving credit, lie finally
determined that ho wouldn’t- trust any
laxly", ISilm. Aldon, of Randolph, hud
miwid ft contract for a- large quantity of
calf boots. As lie couldn't find such
skins as ho wanted to make them of in
Boston, and having heard that. Billy I
Patten could suji)>ly them, he wont to
see him. Billy had the stock,,to suit
him, and they agreed upon tho price.
“I suppose you will give mo some time
on this purchase,” says Mr. Alden.
“Old yes," says Billy, “lialf cash down,
and the rest when you take tho skins.”
Alden accepted tho conditions and went
to Boston to get tho money.— Shoe and
Leather Ut porter.
A HACK-YARD ROOM.
“Wliat are you doing, Tommy?" asked
a Sioux Falls'lady of her son who wan
sticking up stakes around the back
yard.
“l’lat’in a addition." replied the
young hopeful, whoso father is a real
estate agent.
“How are sales ?"
“Bully, mu! Stubby Jones takes
that corner there by the gab* for a pen
nut am! lem’nado stand, Bill Smith and
Dutohy take a block bv the barn for
tlieir circus, an’ lien Jones is talkin'
’bout takin’ two lots by the apple tree
to tie uji his dog on so’s his dad can’t
shoot it. Hay, nw, I’ll let ye in outlie
ground floor'on that, lot by the corner of
tho house there to stand yer flower pots
un —take it fer five cents an’ a handful
o’ rais’im, serin' its you.— Dakota Bell.
IN CIIICAOO,
“I have sjicnt a pioat delightful eve
ning, Miss Breezy," remarked young
Mr. Waldo of Boston, wlioisin (Iliicngo
on business. “To a gentleman far away
from homo an hour or two such as I
have just passed is peculiarly grateful
ami refreshing."
“Thanks, awfully," responded Mini)
Breezy.
“As it is quite early,” went on Air.
Waldo, “I would b; very glad if you
and your mother would go with me for
a dinli of ice cream.”
“Thanks,” said tho yourig lady bright
ly, “J presume mainiiiii is agreeable,
aud ns for myself, Mr. Waldo, my
mouth is always wide open for that
sort of thing.”
PILLED IT.
A north Texas man, anticipating the
prohibition in August, sent a 111-gallon
jug down to a liquor man to bo filled.
Tim Deacon slipped around next, day
ami asked for his bill. “Thirty dollars,’
saiil the liquor man, “What! a gal
lon?” gasped the Deacon. “No, only
$2. 1 tilled the jug- lfigallons.” “But,
my dear Hir, you know that was no 15
gallons,” saiil the Deacon. “ Now, I
“Oh, very well, I’ll put it in the hands
of a lawyer to collect.” “N no, don't
do that. It, would be all over town. It
was not tho sllO I kicked on; I was only
thinking what a terrible strain it was on
my 10 gallon demijohn,” said tho Dea
con, as he paid tho bill.
AN ACCIDENT.
Quite an awkward accident took place
tho other day in the “Wild West” show
traveling with a circus dow n in Jowu.
Tho ring-master was standing on a box
explaining to the audience that tho
buffalo was a wild one captured this
■jiring, and that if it were not for tho
rric-n stationed around outside of Du
ring it would charge ttji tho seats and
clean out the whole crowd, when the
wild and dangerous animal came up and
began to ohew his coat-tail. He got
down and stopped talking, and a man
had to take an car of corn and trot off
ahead of the buffalo before it could lie
got into u run.
HOW TIME FLEW.
The brisk, lively housekeeper is •In
scribed aptly in a new novel of western
life, “Zury:” “Him was called a ‘come
gals kind of a woman' by neighbors,
partly in ridicule of her enthusiasm and
partly in admiration of her energy. It
was told of her that she wouhl got uji
before light on Monday, ‘fl.v around,’
uncover the fire, hang on the kettle and
call up the ladder to the loft: ‘Come,
gals! Dew start tip'll start in! To day’s
Monday, to-morrow’s Tuesday, ’n’ next
day's Wednesday, V then comes Thurs
day, Friday 'n' Saturday—the hull week
gone ’n’ nothin’ done.’”— Boston Jour
nal.
no ANonr.
Two spruce looking girls stopped ait
open car. They were rattier out of
soTts, I fancy, by the tones of their
voices, and the prettier of the two was
evidently “taking it” for some delin
quency, by which the other had suffered
j ati annoyance. Finally she burst out
i with the old familiar feminine “Well, T
! don’t care J” And then, with a deep
sigh, said, “Oh, deaf, T wish I’d been
I l*orn without feet! Then i shouldn’t
b forever treading on people’s corns!”
— Boston, Herald,
AN ANOJJSNT FAMILY.
There are more ways than one of call
ing a js-rson an old goose, l’erhups the
neatest is that adopted by Kosciusko
j Murphy. Miss Esnmrelda Longcoffin is
very jtroud of her relations to the Long
coffins of Virginia. Taking offence at
sotne remark made by Kosciusko, she
said, in a cold, haughty tone of voice:
“Sir, I wish you to understand that l i
belong to ancient family."
"Yes,” replied Kosciusko, yawning,
“I’ve rend of that- family. They saved
the Homan capital.’’- Texas Siftinge.
an AeeoMrt.tsuEn wife.
"Ah, old fellow," said an Austin gen- ;
tletnan, meeting another on the avonm*,
“so you are married al last. Allow mo
to congratulate you, for I hear you linvo
un excellent and accomplished wife.”
“I have, indeed,” was the reply;
“she is accomplished. Why, sir, she
is perfectly at homo iu literature; at
homo iu music; at home iu art; ai home
in art; at home in science in short, at
home in everything, except. ”
“F.xccjit wliat- ?”
“Except at lionio.” Siftings,
or,ads st’UF.oKt.rs’s scheme.
“What’s all this fuss in tin* Sandwich ;
Islands?” asked tho Horse Editor. “[
see that there have been consigned from
Han Fruncisoo to (IhutsHjirecklcs's brok
ers in Hawaii !>,<>()<) rifles, <;S,O<K) car
tridges, 25,000 printers, r>,()0() ballots
and a few cases of small arms.”
“Oh,” rejilied tho Snake Editor,
•‘Snrcckles’s is about to introduce base-
and hi* is determined that the
umpire shall ho protected."— Pittsburg
Chronicle.
TRIED IT.
“Air. Do|ijrcnhoimer, I want to intro
•luce a burglar alarm into your house.
It will indicate at. which door or win
dow—” “J don’t want none of dose
tings. I don’ bidder mo mit burglars,
“(ineo you have tried them, Mr. l>op
poiiheiinor ” “Look bore, lnccstor.
If you wash got a oondrivanco what
keens mine wife front goin’ dm mine
pockets when I wash asleep, den I talks
■xtit you a leedle bit.” llaiper’s l’aiar.
Bt7nOTtf>INATE.
“Wliat n, very martial looking mail
your husband is, Airs. Hobson.” oliserv
etl a caller. “I saw him in the parade
on the Fourth, mid was quite struck
with his tioldierfy appearance.”
"Yes,” responded Mrs. Hobson, “tho
Colonel looks well in his Uniterm.,’
“Is he at homo?”
"No, baby was fretful, and I told him
to give her a turn around tlu* block in
her carriage.”— N. Y. Sun.
EFFECT OF FEMALE KtfFFRAOE.
First Politician There’s something
about this School Board election I don’t
like.
Second Politician -What’s that?
First Politician—Why, I moan in ro-
Iftltoil to voting. You see, I thought
lessly bet a h.-tt with my wife on her
candidate, and he won. I’ve just dis
covered that the hat she picked out
costs $55. i'll b«> more careful with my
next hut bet-. —<htuilia World.
NO DIVIDEND.
Omaha Man Wliat tloeo this bill of
$5 iiM*un ?
Physician It is for attendance oil
your little daughter.
“You were only at the house once.”
“Yes; but it was ft surgical operation
extracting a coin which she hud swal
lowed.”
•‘Well, it wasn't a <5lO gold piece; it
Was only a quarter. ” Omaha Herald,.
ab tiie nocTon did.
Patient Doctor, how do you think 1
tun to day ?
Physician Oli, you’re hotter, much
better.
Patient Well, I’m feeling better.
Physician And y<l there are hoiuo
symptoms about your case that I don’t
like.
Patient Well, on the whole, I don’t
feci ho very well, after all. Till Bits.
in the fashion.
Architect Have you any special feu
tun s you want incorporated in tho do
signs for your mansion ?
Mr. ATorieybug H’rn! not nertieklar.
Only I must have the two halls I hear
so much about nowadays.
Architect (inquiringly) The two
halls?
Air. Moneybag -Yes; the long hall
j ami the short hull, doncherknow.
IT BLIGIITEKKO II F.lt.
“My dear," said Magnifier's wife, “I
sec that the Prince of Wales calls chain
pugne ‘the hoy. ’ ”
1 “Oh, yes. That information’s old.”
"Strange f hadn’t heard of before.
But it exjilains something to me.”
“What is that, my dear ?”
“I now realize what you mean when
you say you are going to see ‘it man.’ •
Pittsburg Disputxh.
A BUSINESS VIEW OF IT.
i Teacher (reading) -“ ‘And Elijah tho
prophet— ’ Do you know wliat prophot
: means?”
Hell o'ar “Yes, me know velly well.
Teacher (surprised) “Do you? Well,
! what is it?"
Scholar—“Me buy sing li’ cent, sell
flifteen cent, plojit ten cent.”— Harpers
Bazar.
AT KLAMHIIELLK--IIY THE REA.
(blest I - "Who is the distinguished
‘ foreigner who arrived last night.
Guest 2 -“Distinguished foreigner!
I don’t know any.”
Guest I—“ Why I saw you talking to
him on the piazza.”
Guest 2—“ Oh, yes, to be sure. Tliat
wus the new clerk.” —Town 'topics.
A FAIII DIVIDE.
First Tramp— Now we’ve got to di
vide fair, Ike. . ,
Second Tramp—Cert, pard. I am t
had nothin’ to eat s**ne<* Friday, an’ you
ain’t had no sleep fer four nights. I ’ll
take the pullet, an’ yon take the feath
ers 'n go over in that air liarn n enjoy
yourself.
TOO MUCH.
Bo Now, dear, that wo are engaged,
and no one is looking, won t you give
mQ just one kiss.
VOL. 11. NO. 26.
Who —You surely don't want to bora
mecJßionel! You forget that I hav«
it-/ the lust few weeks nt General
t"k . irate’s.— Tid-Bita.
WHAT HE SHOOED RAT.
“Mr," said Bertio, “should I say
‘jhiiilh’ nr browsers' ?"
“Trowsers, ray dear,” said the mother.
“Well. then," said Bertio, “I think
Bridget had better giva Fido some
water; he trowsers awfully.”
A GERMAN JOKE.
First Student of Medicine—“l say,
Frit/,, did you see those boys stick out
their tongues at us?"
Second Student--“ Yes, and it dm*
me proud. They evidently hike us for
fu 11 - Hotlged di >et< irs. ”
AN ODD STORY.
Father of Fair One. “We close up
this house at ten o'clock."
Brass-Headed Beau. “That's a good
idea.” “It keeps fellows out who don't
knew enough to get inside earlier."
HAD HIM WRIjL IN HAND.
Minister (making a call) —And do you
always do us your mamma tolls you to,
Flossie?
Flossie (emphatically)—l guess I do,
| and so does papa
Old Slave-11 Hiding Bleed hounds.
“Bloodhounds lire seldom found in
the eompnny of ‘Uncle Toni’s Cabin’
troupes,’’said an old time Bower Mis
sissippi steam boat captain. “Before the
war, in the old slavery days, I was very
familiar with those hounds, their train
ing mid method of work. I togs repre
senting them on the dramatic stage are
of heavier build and different, species.
Bloodhounds are larger and more com
pact, than ordinary hounds, with hair
straight and sleek us that of the finest
race horse, colored between yellow mid
luown, short cured, rather long nosed
and built for scenting, quick action and
■ speed. They cun take a scent three
Idn vs old and' run it down. Their speed
| is about, equal to and their endurance
much greater than the greyhound.
Their bulk resembles neither tlmt, of a
bulldog, etir, nor hound, but is a yelp
like a wolf's. Their bite is a wolf like
l imp, not the hold fast grip of a bulldog.
The ‘catch dog’ used in slavery times
oh Southern plantations capturing run
away negroes looked like across between
a Newfoundland and bull of large and
I powerful build. I’ll describe you a
; ‘negro hunt,’ a common enough occur-
I fence before the war: The overseer, or
! hunter, mounts a fleet horse, holds his
| ‘catch dog’ by a chain and turns loose
! the hounds. Circling ’round, they
strike the scent and soon line off, llu-ir
j fast receding yi-lnsmarking the rapidity
of the chase. The horseman follows
' over fences, through timber and swamp
us best he can, holding Ins ‘catch dog'
‘in leash.’ Hounds sighting the negro
i divide, form a semi circle and rapidly
draw it into a largo circle around him.
As the pursued wretch runs the dogs in
front of him fall hack, hilt preserve
their equidistant, place in the circle
which they are gradually diming. On
nearing him they snap at his legs, hilt
do not spring nt his throat. As tie? cir
cle narrows the hunter arrives. The
ominous sounds of the chain's rattle,
like the warning note of the serpent,
strikes the n.•griie'-, ear. The ‘cuU-k
dog’ springs upon the exhausted run
away and holds him. Hounds are dub
bed'away, the fugitive secured, (logs
‘leashed’ and the hunt is over.”
An Office Boy’s Lucky Misfako
The fit. Paul Pro* gives this •t.err,
which one may believe or not, just as he
or she pleases:
Tn a real estate office the other day f
In ard a ; entlomun relating the experi
ence of an Eastern friend of his who,
many years ago, fur a had debt (') of
#'.?(),(10(1, was compelled to accept, West
ern land at an estimated value of !jf IT»,-
000. He paid constantly increasing
tuxes upon the land for a number of
veurs without going to see it. One day
Ids agent telegraphed to him, asking
him what he would take for the land,
which had filially come to l>c far within
the corporate limits of Chicago. The
owner figured that, taxes and interest,
the land had cost him $50,000, ami more
in a joke than anything else not dream
ing that the offer would be accepted
wrote u telegram saying that he would
take $50,000 cash for the property. He
sent the message by his of lice ls>y, when
the clerk insisted that the sum lie spell
ed Ollt ill the message. The office boy
rewrote it, and by mistake wrote $500,-
000 instead of $50,000. In an hour track
ciime the reply: “Offer of half a million
dollars accepted. Make deed and come
on and get certified check." The man
made his office boy a hamlsome present
for his clerical error and gave his old
time debtor $‘25,000 with which to re-es
tablish himself in business.
To he liOukcil After
Governor Boss of New Mexico, has
determined to put a stop to train rob
bery at any oust. Besides the large re
ward offered for the detection and
1 arrest of the rohliers, he has mode
arrangements with the various railroads
through Commissioner Waldo by which
armed men, regularly commissioned by
the State, are to tie placed on all passen
ger trains liable to attack. The Gov
ernor lias issued d'.M) commissions, or
enough to enable the roads to place
from five to ten armed men on each pas
senger train. If there should Is- an
other attempt at train robbery, and the
armed trainmen are fortunate enough to
kill or cripple any of the robbers, there
by leading to certain detection, they
would receive the large rewards offered.
This fact will probably enable the rail
toads to set-nre some ul llie best light
ing talent in the State.