Newspaper Page Text
♦/ . -
®li t Jttontgomerg Jttomtor*
D. C. SUTTON, Editor and Prop’r.
HELP ONE A NOTIIFit.
‘'Help one another,” the snowflakes s&ifl,
Ah they cuddled down in their fleecy bed;
“One of us here would not be felt,
One of us here would quickly melt;
But I'll help you and you’ll help me,
And then what a big white drift we’ll see.”
“Help one another,” the maple spray
Said to its fellow leaves .me day;
“The sun w ould w ither me lieie alone,
Long enough ere the day is gone;
But I’ll help you and you help me.
And then what a splendid shade there’ll be!”
“Help one another,” the dewdrop cried,
Seeing another drop close to its side;
“Thiß warm south breeze would drive me away,
And f should be gone ere noon to-day;
And I’ll help you and help you me,
And we'll make a brook and run to the sea.’
“Help one another,” a grain of sand
Said to another grain just at hand;
“The wind may carry me over the sea.
And then, O what will become of me ?
But come, my brother, give me yonr hand;
Vtf's'll build a mountain ami there we'il stand.”
THE GOLDEN CALF.
"Flo's the incarnation of fat divi
dends.’’
“Is lie so very rich?”
"Rolling in money—might buy tip
half the city, they say.”
“And really now, I come to look at
him, not a bad looking man,”Jmurmured
the Countess, focussing the gentleman
under discussion with a very effective
double eye-glass.
“Geraldine, my love, that is Mr. Op
timns (’odd over there in the doorway."
The beautiful Geialdine turned a very
haughty head and gave a scornful little
laugh.
“And who, pray, mamma, is Mr. Opti
mus Codd?”
The young man standing between the
two ladies looked steadily at the beauti
ful young lady in diaphanous white tulle,
saying—-
“He is the ‘Golden Calf’ of this year,
Lady Geraldine. You will soon know
him by sight. He is making his mark
in society. He lias asked to be pre
sented to yon. Lady Umfroville, have I
your permission?”
The Countess smiled a gracious con
sent on Mr. Rupert Paulet. She at
once absolved this penniless detrimental,
who had been hanging around her sacri
ficial lamb too closely of late, for his
past offences. It was such a very de
sirable matter to get hold of this mil
lionaire stockbroker at an early part of
Tils career.
Mr. Optimus Codd in his own sphere
was a man of mark. People in the city
pointed at him respectfully as the pos
sessor of untold wealth; but it had only
recently entered into the mind of this
enterprising operator to make an effort
to enter fashionable society. This great
man —for he was very great in tlie realms
of stock and “the tilings that are always
going up and down in the city” —had
recently purchased a house in Mayfair,
where fie gave most recherche banquets.
He had also contrived to be elected to
two or three good clubs. In conse
quence society was making inquiries
about him, and using every endeavor to
substantiate the rumors of his enor
mous wealth. Doors could not be shut
upon an absolute Croesus. In exterior
the gentleman who was the object of so
many attentions was not at all prepos
sessing, in spite of Lady Umfreville’s
charitable verdict. He had a good-na
tured, fat face, with no salient features,
and reddish hair of a refractory nature.
His small gray eyes had, however, at
times a singularly keen and acute re
gard. Such eves might, fathom a good
deal of humbug. He dressed well and
wore no jewelry, bearing the manner
and voice of a gentleman. His discre
tion showed itself in nothing more than
in his ability to keep sileuoe about him
self and others.
When Mr. Codd slowly made his way
across the ballroom toward the striking
group near the conservatory he was the
object of many regards. After the
Honorable Rupert had presented his
friend in duo form to the stately coun
tess and her lovely daughter* he re
mained a few minutes m conversation
with the- party, finally offering his arm
to convey her ladyship to supper. She
gave an anxious backward look to ware l
Laly Geraldine and the handsome
young man left near her. It was un
avoidable; the only thing to F»e done
was to put her wits together and make
the most of the present opportunity.
“You have a box at the opera, I be
lieve Mr. Codd? We are so anxious to
hear Patti on her first night.”
This was an airdfteftm's opening, Fait
the countess being poor and a widow,
never flinched before an attempt of this
sort. It was her duty to make use i f
rich acquaintances.
“I shall be delighted if you will ac
cept my box for that evening,” was the
natural rejoinder from one unused to
impecunious conn teases.
Lady t'mfreville went away smiling
that evening, and thankfully felt that
her latxir and Geraldine’s new dress had
not lieen in vain.
Within a we -k Mr. Optimus Coddhad
to partake oi various sued!
—yefy small—forms of hospitality at#
Prince's gale. Fat tie teas and light
luncheons might bring young people
together quite as advantageously as
more costly entertainments. Ffer lady
ship was a skilled match-maker. Two
daughters had already Fai n disposed
of in their first season. Flut this was
now Lady Geraldine's second year in
the market. She was certainly mere
diffi. ult to imnd than the docile elder
sisters had been. Still, Lady Urnfre
viile did not (kc-pair of settling her this
season. June had only just Iwgun.
There was * fourth g it! coming in
shortly. T »dy Margaret was still in
the , fto- b'. m, d ough fully entitled to
Fie emaumv,: d. ;nd she was a suirited
young lady who might lie more difficult
to control than all her predecessors.
“What is he like, Jerry? I mean the
city man that every one is talking
about. I know mamma thinks you
have captivated him. You might
bring him up to the schoolroom for my
inspection some day. Pretend you
want to show him yonr drawings.
“I should like to seo a stock-broker.
His name lias a very fish-like smell.
Fancy being Lady Geraldine Codd!
Does he look like a gentleman ! Don't
you think you had better turn him over
to me, Jerry ?”
Here the'lively Lady Margaret began
dancing about the room, “Shan’t I have
a tine time of it when I come out! I
mean to make up for being kept back a
year. You see you must be out of the
way, Jerry. You are so very good-look
niff-”
Lady Geraldine answered, smiling:
“Do lie sensible, Maggie, and I'll tell
you all about Mr. Optimus Codd. Well,
lie's rather fat, and w ithout any particu
lar expression, but I think lie's very
good-natured. I really think I like him,
and if—.” A lovely blush rose to her
face.
“If you hadn't fallen in love with
some one else, ar.d if you were quite
sure Mr. Optimus Codd didn't want to
marry you. Don’t you be the least bit
gracious to him or lie’ll say you gave
liim encouragement. They always do
if you are polite. But, Geraldine, I ad
vise you to give up Reggio Paulet. He
has next to nothing, and you can’t mar
ry on love.”
* Lady Geraldine tossed up her pretty
head. “You mind your own business,
Maggie. You’re very disagreeable, and
I shan't tell you anything more about
any one T meet.”
in duo course of time Mr. Codd did
come to the schoo'room to inspect Ger
aldine's drawings. Lady Margaret and
an antiquated German governess were
reading aloud.
“I hope we are not interrupting. Mr.
Codd is very anxious to see my sketches,
Fraulein. This is my sister, Mr.Codd.”
“How do you do, Mr. Codd. It is
very kind of you to come up here. Ger
aldine has told me all about you. You
have such a lovely house and beautiful
pictures, and such nice things to cat. I
am not out or I should like to come and
sei- it all.”
Mr. Codd murmured something vague
about next year.
“Jerry is very kind to me, you know,
though she will not make haste and get
married. If I want particularly to see
any of her admirers—you do admire
her, of course, or you would not come
so often —slie always manages to bring
them up stairs. Npw, Rupert Paulet
and i are great lnonds —isn i he a a.-.n
boy? And Lord Strnthnollan was very
nice, too, till Geraldine refused him and
he went oft to America, and has boon
shooting bears ever since. You know 1
musn't come down stairs to the drawing
room or be inspected by any young men
before my hour has struck. Mamma
would faint if I made myself known
prematurely. lam to burst suddenly
on the fashionable world. Do yon ad
mire mamma? Don’t you think her
clever? Oh, you would say she is
clever if you knew my sisters Letitia and
Herrnione. They are both very stupid
and not particularly good looking—Jer
ry and I are the best, of the lot—yet
they both married well, and Letitia is a
marchioness. Mamma managed it all.
You can’t think how dull and pompous
my brother-in-law Slateford is ! I don’t
think I should care to be a marchion
ess.”
Mr. Codd appeared much amused Fiy
this girlish chatter. Tlie outspoken
Lady Margaret had a charming, pi
quante face that made people young to
look at. Lady Geraldine and the gov
erness returned from the adjoining room
with portfolios to find Mr. Codd and
Lady Margaret on the best of terms.
Mr. Codd had had no previous con
ception that, aristocratic lips were frank
and ingenuous, though lie was, of
course, aware that humanity of a lower
degree is candid to a painful degree.
After throe weeks or so, Lady Umfre
ville began to think i t time for Mr. Codd
to make up his mind. Why did he not
propose to Geraldine ?
The preliminaries had gone on long
enough, and the world’s eyes were be
ginning to fix curiously on the pair.
Lady Umfreville had monopolized the
wealthy stockholder too fully to escape
calumny. The countess thought it
might bn expedient to give the luck
ward suitor a gentle push. The honor
intended for him seemed too great. In
a secluded corner at a garden party she
opened fire.
“You are evidently not a marrying
man, Mr. Codd,” she said playfully.
“How can you resist the lovely girls
you meet daily?”
Mr. Codd cast a sharp glance at the
lady’s smiling face.
“My thoughts have lieen always given
to other matters —more prosaic things,
Lady Umfreville. Till lately, the iuoa
of matrimony never entered my head,”
“Ah, then I suppose you have begun
to think of it. Indeed, a man of your
position—of your wealth and influence,
owes this duty to society. Os course
you are entitled to look for youth and
beauty, and I feel sure that any well
brought up, right minded girl will ap
preciate your sterling qualities. I have
no son of my own, you know” (with a
sigh), “but I assure von, Mr. Codd, I
feel quite a maternal interest in your
welfare.”
This was rather more than neces
sary. Mr. Codd’s little eves sparkled.
“Pray cease, Lady Umfreville. Inm
not a man to rate my own merits
beneath their worth, Fjut f cannot allow
you to speak in these terms.”
“Ihavethought, Mr.Codd,”continued
the nnaliashed countess, “that your re
markable modesty might prevent you
from aspiring in a direction where yonr
heart may be engaged. Let rne offer
you encouragement. You remember
the old adage ‘faint bpart never won fair
lady.’ I tliink I should like a cup of
tea now, Mr. Codd.”
MT. VERNON, MONTGOMERY CO.. GA„ WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 12. 1887.
The stockbroker’s eyes wore down
cast as he conducted the lady to a mar
quee. While she sipped her tea she
wondered audibly wliat had become of
Geraldine. Finally she sent Mr. Codd
in quest of the roving damsel. He pre
sently found her issuing from a secluded
shrubbery in company of Rupert Paulet.
He smiled at liis friend as lie declared
his mission to Lady Geraldine.
That evening Rupert Paulet dined
tete-a-tete with Mr. Codd. W lien the
servants left the room a silence fell be
tween the two men.
“Am I to congratulate you, old fel
low?” said Mr. Codd at last.
“Mv dear Codd, you are the best
backer in the world. You may congrat
ulate me; I have won her, and it is all
owing to you. You have put tlio only
lucky chance I have ever had in my
way. There’ll be the deuce to pay with
her ladyship, of course, but when sho
knows iill there may bo extenuating cir
cumstances.''
Mr. Codd, getting up from liis seat,
laid a hand on the younger man’s
shoulder.
“I was nearly falling in love with her
myself in the beginning, Paulet. She
is a beautiful creature.”
“So I thought—so I was afraid,”
answered Rupert.
“But I soon saw how it was and it
wouldn’t have lieen any good. I can’t
think how she lias bred so true. The
mother would sell her soul for money.
And that little Lady Margaret she is
charming,” here Mr. Codd sighed, “and
she is so tired of lords and marquises.
Mr. Codd, throwing back his head,
laughed pleasantly.
“Shall I tell the countess all about it
to-morrow? I have an appointment
with her in tlie morning.”
“If you only would, my dour Codd
You might break it gently. 1 m in a
mortal funk when I thing of facing
her.”
On the morrow Mr. Codd jumped in
to a lin.nsom with a cheerful mien and
drove down to Prince’s-gate. Lady
Umfreville was of course at home and
would receive Mr. Codd in her boudoir.
This solicited interview surely boded
some good news.
“You are an early visitor," she said,
smiling; “I thought you were always in
the city at eleven o’clock.”
“Not always, Lady Umfreville. Ami
happily 1 have taken a partner who will
relieve me of much responsibility.
“Indeed —a very wise step. A rising
young city man, I suppose. If ho is a
friend of yours, you must bring him out
here some day.”
“No, lie is not a city man, but for all
that he has useful business talents. It
is Mr. Paulet. He is a very reliable
f 110 rttol X li«> «» reiT con4»«l.
once m liim.” Lady Umfreville stared
at Mr. Codd in undignified amazement.
“Rupert Paulet your partner! He
wrote to say he had a communication to
make to me. Can it possibly bo this?
What do liis prospects signify to me?”
“A great deal, F fancy. I believe lie
wishes to marry yonr daughter.”
Tlie lady turned pale. It was clear
from this that Air. Codd had no matri
monial intentions regarding Lady Ger
aldine.
“My daughter!” she almost screamed,
“that penniless man marry my beautiful
Geraldine? Never.”
“You forget that lie has good pros
peets—that as my partner lie is a long
way from penniless.'’
“She has deceived me I am nc
match for her,” said the countess tragi
cally, as she rang the bell and ordered
the servant to summon Lady Geraldine.
The young lady appeared promptly.
“How do you do, Mr. Codd?” and sh«
warmly pressed his hand. “What dc
you want, me for, mamma?”
“I understood from Mr. Codd that
Rupert Paulet has proposed to you, nn<
is oorirng to speak to me oil the subject
Y’ou have had the audacity to accept
him ?”
“Yes, mamma, but you only under
stood a part of the truth. You do not
understand what part a generous city
man lias played. I owe a debt of grati
tude to Mr. Codd I can never repay.
By liis help I nm saved from some mer
cenary marriage, and arn able to marry
the man I love. T mean to marry Ru
pert Paulet. You know very well that
he rfnd I have loved each other from
childhood, and yet—yet you threw me
at Mr. Codd’s head. F did not do him
justice at first. J could not believe in
so much kindness—that lie was playing
a part for Rupert’s sake to shield me
from persecution. I admire and re
spect him beyond all words. He has
even deceived you.”
These were bitter words, spoken in a
tone of scorn that cut home.
“Leave the room instantly. If you
marry Rupert Paulet, it will not be
with my consent.”
Mr. Codd seemed to have something
more to say.
“There is another matter of more im
portance to me personally, Jjndy Um
freville,” he stammered a little. “Y’ou
have another daughter—she is a charm
ing girl. It is not possible that her
affections are already engaged. Have f
your permission to pay my addresses to
her ?”’
The countess was dumbfounded.
“Mr. Codd, lam amazed. How have
you made her acquaintance? Hhe is
yet in the schoolroom.”
Mr. Codd explained rat her lamely.
Lady Umfreville sighed. This was a
mitigation of eilamitv. If Geraldine
insisted on marryitig Rupert, who was
so likely to give assistance as Mr. Codd,
if a brother-in-law ?
It came to pass at the end of the sea
son that Lady Umfreville’s two lovely
daughters were given away at the same
altar.
“Optimus is a darling,” wrote Lady
Margaret a month later to her sister.
He is just th- sort of a husband to suit
me. Every one ought to roarrv a city
man. He thinks everything t say and
do is rigiit and is, oh! so generous. He
isn’t handsome, but then he i n’t a
bit jealous, and lets rne dance with all
the best looking men, and when F come
back to him I think how stupid they
“SUB DEO FACIO FORTITER.”
all were, and when I tell him so lie looks
rather pleased. I'm glad now T didn’t
come out last season. I'm sum von
! can’t be as happy as I am. I have naked
! tlio dull old Fraulein to come and spend
a week with us out of gratitude. Sho
never told mamma how Optimus used to
meet us in the Park. Mamma lma
given tip the house at Prince's gate.
Sho is coming to us for a month next
season. She is very fond of Optimus
now. She says he is her favorite son
in-law. I think ho gives her handsome
cheques.”
All this was absolutely true, the giv
ing of cheques not the least part of it.
Rupert Paulet goes to the city regu
larly and prospers exceedingly, yet.
managing to combine a large amount of
pleasure with business. Lady Geral
dine is tlio happiest, of wives, and is
never haughty toward Mr. Codd nowa
days.—London Life.
FREDERICK THE GREAT.
A New Story of How lie Rewarded
Presence of Mind.
[From tlio London 'Holograph. |
! The days of the historical “long
bridge” lending from Herlin to Potsdam
are numbered—a bridge which played
an important part in the career of
Frederick the Great. In the days of
the king all travelers between the two
cities were compelled to pass over tlio
bridge and few escaped tlie monarch s
notice while sitting in the study of liis
i neighboring palace. But he, of course,
did not wish to be observed, so lie placed
a mirror in the room, which accurately
reflected wliat occurred on the bridge,
j One day, in the evening of which a
masquerade was to take place in Herlin,
ho sat as usual at his desk, when ghine
] ing in the mirror ho saw a cavalry cap
tain in the act of crossing. He conclud
ed at once that the object of liis ride
was the masked ball which his Majesty
also intended to visit, but had forbidden
I his officers. A few hours later the King
started for Berlin and appeared in the
Opera House at time. His
i sharp eye soon recognized the sinner in
[ the mask of a noble Venetian, and he
followed him step by step until lie was
thoroughly convinced that lie had made
j no mistake. Stepping in front of the
culprit and gazing at him with a trims
fixing glance, lie thundered, “Mask, I
know you!” The officer, who immedi
ately recognized the tones of liis King,
was"frightened for a moment. He knew
that a heavy punishment, possibly dis
missal, would lie meted out to him. But
he collected himself and replied:
“Mask, Ido not know you.” “Mask,
, you "a vail,i O.ii.tivi,. 1” With
a resolution of despair the officer an
swered: “Yes, but I am here without
a leave of absence. He is a scoundrel
who betrays me.” The King bit his
lips; the answer was unexpectedly
collected and impudent. But presently
he said: “Upon iny word it remains
our secret.’.’
The officer left the masquerade, hur
ried to his hotel, sprung upon his horse
and galloped 1 lack to Potsdam. On tlie
following Monday at. eight o’clock he
appeared punctually for duty in the
Lustgarten, whither his regiment had
been commanded. The king soon began
the review, staring strongly at the cap
tain as he passed down the, file. Sud
denly he halted at the centre. “( Rival
ry Captain ! ” resounded his sten
torian tone. The officer, now certain of
his dismissal or long arrest, rode forward
in strictest military fashion, saluting
the King, as he thought, for the last
time. “Nearer,” corninandedhis Majes
ty, as the captain stopped at the cus
-1 tommy distance. He obeyed. “Musk,
j you are a major; but he is a scoundrel
i who betrays it.” “Upon my word, your
i Majesty, it remains our secret,” answer
ed the officer, relieved now of his heavy
i heart.
' A year went bv and the promotion rc
l mained an nnrevealed secret, the cap
tain doing his duty as hitherto. On the
anniversary of the event, when again
presenting his regiment to the King in
Lustgarten, the following parole orders
were read: “Cavalry Captain is
promoted to the rank of major, his
j latent dating a year ago to day, and lias
four weeks’ leave of absence for the car
nival in Berlin.”
General Rosecrans’ Fish Story.
General Itosecrans tells a wonderful
efory about a curiosity in the possession
; ofjtfie Soeity of California Pioneers. Ft
is a section of timber taken from the
; sale of the Powhattan, including a por
tion of the skin, which is four inches
thick, and a piece of the abutting knee,
which is nine inches thick. Transversely
through the whole a swordfish had dash
ed liis sword, and the portion broken off
instill left imbedded in the timber. The
sword pierced through fourteen inches
of solid oak and the fish was going in
the same direction as the vessel, which
was under a good head of steam. An
idea of the strength which must have
lieen exerted can Fie obtained from the
fact that a rifted six-pounder could not
have done more than pierce that thick
ness of wood. People on the vessel
state that they felt the scliock caused by
the blow, and thought that they had
struck something floating beneath the
surface. The sword is over six inches
wide at the broadest point, where it is
broken off.
Uncle Andrew Stetson, of Dnxbury,
Mas «hois 05 years old and as spry
as most men at CO, comes of a long-lived
family. Os liis twelve brothers and
sisters Beth was 91 when he died; Har
vey, 90; Martin, 91; Reljeoca, 79;Wis
ve'i S., 88; Judith, 58; Huldah, 93;
t Julia. 78; Samuel, 73, Elizabeth, 7fi;
l and Joseph, 82, and Christiana lives at
the age of 90 yeais.
THE JOKER’S BUDGET.
HUMOROUS THINGS AVI? FIND IN
THE NEW SPA PE Its.
Over Pour Knots—Tlio Brown
Stone Proms lie Wanted Tacks
—lt, made Her Weary—Making
tlio Pur Ply—Odds and Em's, etc.
BROWN STONK FRONTS.
“How many cigars do you smoke in a
day on an average?” inquired one com
mercial traveler of another.
“Perhaps ton,” replied his friend.
“Ten cigars a day at 10 cents each
would amount to sl.”
“That’s about the figure.”
“Ono dollar a day; 305 days in a yonr
•*-hem! How long have you been
smoking?”
“About twenty years.”
“Twenty years I Throe hundred and
sixty five dollars a year, compound in
terest. Why, friend, do you know that
if you had not smoked you might have
owned one of those brown stono fronts
across the street ?”
“Likely enough. You aro not a
smoker, I believe?”
“Never bad a cigar in my mouth.”
“Nor drink ?”
“No. I don’t know the taste of
liquor.”
“And which ono of those brown stono
fronts do you own ?”
IT MADE IIEII WEARY.
A reporter was standing at tlio confec
tionery counter of a prominent grocery
yesterday when a burlv man came in
and, addressing one of tlio young women
behind tho counter, said:
“Give mo a pound of your best”
Taking a look at the girl lie made a
dash for tho door, looked up and down
th i street and returning with a satisfied
expression concluded:
■ “your best mixed candy.”
After lie had received and paid for liis
candy and gone out, the clerk said with
a pout:
“That makes me tired. He is tho
twentieth to day, if there lifts been one.”
“Why did lie go out?” asked tho re
porter.
“To look for a white horse.”
Her hair is a little oil the n il. —Detroit
Free Press.
A REBISiI.
People who most relish gossip take a
very different view of it when it is di
rected against one’s own reputation.
“What an extremely candid person
Mrs. Higgins is,” said Mrs. Robinson.
“See how she exposed tliono Sirnkinscs
and Wilkinses.”
“yea." said Mrs. Jones, “but if you
could have heard what she said about
you yesterday.”
“About mo?”
“Yes, about yon. ’*-
“Well, I never! The idea of her
talking about me I I won’t believe an
other word she says.— Yovth's Compan
ion.
SPEEDY.
Miss Buffington (who lias been pop
ped at) —I am very sorry, Mr. Weldo,
but as much ns I like and esteem you as
a true friend, I must not, can not, will
not, shall not consent to be more to you.
I regret to put it so strongly, but I want
you to understand me.
Mr. Welde (dejectedly) —What a mag
nificent yacht you’d make, Mis Elea
nor.
Miss Buffington—l, a yacht?
Mr. Welde—Yes. You’ve just spun
off four “nots” in two seconds, you
know. Teens Siftings.
A Bwin.
A Kentuckian with a large jug made
a bargain with a countryman to fake him
four miles over the hill. “How much’ll
you charge?”
“Oh, a couple of swigs of the stuff in
that jug’ll make it about square, I reck
on.”
After the journey hud been made and
the countryman lind taken a swig, ho
laid: “Stranger, I’m a peaceable man,
but if you don’t want to bo chuck full of
lead to-night, you’d better find another
way to carry ycr molasses.”
YOU don’t BELIEVE IT.
Two bears chased a Michigan man.
He climbed a t ree which was too small
’or the 1 wars’ grasp, but they hung
iround the neighborhood for five hours,
while the man, who had been to school
mil could read and write and make a
ipooch and vote, remained aloft because
he was afraid to come down. At the
and of that time lii« wife came over the
iame route, and upon meeting the hears
just flapped her apron like she was driv
ing chickens out of the garden, and they
i ran away.
80 SHORT.
A good story is told of our old friend,
Dr. Cushman. He went to a barber
luring the recent heated term and said,
Doubtless with that well-remembered
twinkle of the eye: “Now I want you
to cut my hair as short as you would
like a sermon.”
In rising from liis chair and ruefully
surveying liis bald and shining head, he
was constrained to observe that the har-
U-r wanted no sermon at all. — Chicago
Living Chvrch.
A BITTER MEAN.
A Portland man who employed a num
ber of small boys as berry pickers was
afraid they would be devoured by mos
quitoes and induced them to wear net
ting over their faces—a contrivance
which they adopted with gratitude in
their hearts until they discovered that
there were not only no mosquitoes to be
seen, but that the confounded netting
also proscribed berry eating.— Worcester
Tpy.
WRY nr. WANTED TACKS.
He was an amateur yachtsman, and
he looked around the store in a timid
wry before he hesitatingly asked:
“Got any tacks ?”
VOL. 11. NO. 32.
“Yes, sir; plenty of 'em. How many
papers ?”
“I guess I’ll take a paper of starboard
and a paper of port. I’m going a-sail
ing, and r want to be provided with
botli kinds.”— Detroit Free Frees.
A NOBI.F.MAN.
She —Wliat do you think of Signor
Hamlorgani ?
He—l am convinced that ho ia a
genuine Italian nobleman.
“I am glad you think he is no impos
tor. But what gives you such confi
dence ?”
“When he was asked to play last
night ho felt all around the piano for
the crank. — Syracuse IlepnMican.
SHE KNEW WHERE IT WAS.
“His,” lie said, “do you know where
my base ball mask is? I’ve hunted high
and low for it.”
“I didn't know you wanted to use it
to-day, Dick,” said his sister uneasily.
“Well, I do.”
“I ll sec if T can find it for you,” and
she went up stairs.
She found it without much trouble.—
N. V. Sim.
insulted.
“Patsy, oi'vo been insulted. Mickey
Dooln.it called me a liar,"said an excited
Irishman.
“An' phwat are voz goin’ to do about
it I"
“I don’t know. Phwat would you do
av ye wor me?”
Well, Dinny, I tfiiifkoi’d tell the troot
oftencr.”— Washington Critic.
FRIENDLY CHAT.
Clara—l understand that Mr. Feath
crlv paid me a very pretty compliment
to-day.
Ether —Yes ? Wliat was it ?
Clara lie said that among the most
beautiful young ladies at the party wat
Miss Clara Smith.
Ethel (with a cough)—Yob, I noticed
you among them.
DOUBTFUL rniLANTnROFY.
Tramp (to woman) —Could you give
me something in the way of old clothes,
ma'am f I’m gettin’ shabby.
Woman—You’re gettin’ more than
shabby, but I ain’t got a thing. Y"U
can change coats with tho scarecrow
back in the cornfield if you wnnt to.
That ill slick you up some, an’ it’s the
best I kin do.
WHAT NO ONE BELIEVES.
Mistress—Mary, you may take Fido
out for an airing. Poor fellow, he’s been
begging to go all day.
Nurso Uni —lt’s uncommon hot. May
be the sun would bo too milc'i for him.
Mistress —You are a very thoughtful
girl, Mary. Take tho baby out now.
You can take Fido when it gets cooler.
—Omaha Herald.
MATRIMONIAL ITEM.
A. —Did you rend of that fellow who
was arrested in Chicago lately?
B. —No; what had ho done?
“Why, the sooundrel had wives in no
less that ten different cities.”
“All I have to say is that I am sur
prised at the in-ten-city of that fellow’s
affections. ” Texas Siftings.
didn’t want ant.
Barber (to bald hooded customer)
Ah, Mr. .Tones, you ought to try some of
Prof. Invigorator’s hair restorer. It’s—”
Customer —But I don’t want any hair.
Barlier (in astonishment) —Don’t want
hair ?
Customer —No, I’m married.
ABOUT RIOHT.
A little girl wasn’t very far wrong
when sho told her Sunday school teach
er, in answer to the question, “what is
tho worst thing about money?” that it
was “ 'cause we ain’t got any.” We can
nil say that.— Nashville American.
wnY HE LIVED.
A poet sent to an editor a contribu
tion entitled, “Why do I live ?”
The editor answered. “Because you
sent your contributions by mail instead
of bringing them in person.— Northern
Eagle.
HIS CHOICE.
Magistrate—lt’s 810 or 30days, Uncle
Rastas. You can take your choice.
Uncle Rastus rafter some conteropla
tion) —Well, yo’ kin gimme do money,
sab. — Harper's Weekly.
A COMFORT.
When cigaretb-H their vapors blow A
In people’s throats and choke them,
It is some comfort slight to know.
They kill the dudes that smoke them.
Washington Critie.
ODDS AND ENDS.
Many a man has ruined his eyesight
by sitting in the barroom looking for
work.
It is true that doctors disagree, but
they don’t disagree half so much as
their medicines do.
The man who will not listen to reason
soon becomes a crank ; but trying to turn
him is a waste of time.
One of the greatest trials this country
could have would lie to compel it to eat
all the food it produces.
Ok all the various debts we owe to our
fellow-men that of silence is the one
most frequently disregarded.
Why can't the duelists of to-day be
fair and square about it and designate
as weapons “Chins, at two miles”?
TnE man who is always finding fault
must be always hunting for it, and he
cannot be an agreeable companion.
Tending liar for a hotel in a temper
ance town is a business as quiet as
clerkiDg for a man who does not adver
tise.
“You are weak,” said a widow to her
son when he remonstrated against her
marrying again. “I know it,” he re
plied; “I am so weak I can’t go a step
father.”