Newspaper Page Text
CONDENSED STOWES. '
The Cat Wa« the Only One Preeant
Not Embarrassed.
The late Thomaa B. Heed enjoyed
a joke on no one more than on
himself. One such is related by a
■Washington society woman who en
joyed his personal friendship.
After all, the joke wai chiefly on
ie lady, which my be the reason
iy she and not Mr. Seed was the
narrator. She is a cat enthusiast.
Many and beautiful are the cats she
A LITTLE NONSENSE.
Butinas. Arrangement of a Man Who
Was Too Heavy.
The big man was annoyed.
“The fact is," the tailor had told
him, “that you are so much larger
than tb average man that we’U
have to ...ake an extra charge for
your suit."
The big man had been up against
the same proposition before, and be
did not like it.
Many and beautiful are the cats she j “Do you make a reduction to
owns; grave and reyerend are their I small men ?” he asked,
names, chiefly borrowed from emi-J “Well, no; that isn’t our custom,"
nent public personages^ but none was | the tailor admitted.
The fat man felt that the tailor
thus secured an advantage that be
ought not to have.
“How much cloth does it take to
make a suit for a man of good size,
but not too large to get In at the
regular price?” no asked. “In oth
er words, what’s the maximum that
you allow?”
The tailor told him.
“Suppose I order double that*
amount of cloth made up into two
suiter
“That’s all right," said the tailor,
“bnt I don’t see what good it will
do you.”
“I’ll get them both at the regular
price, won’t I?”
• “Certainly."
“And it’s nothing to you wheth
er there is the samo amount of ma
terial in each or a lot in one and
very little in Ihe other r
"No-o."
“All right. Just take my order
for two suits. I’ve got it fixed with
a little skinny fellow in the next
block to go in with me on this, and
we’ll just about inako the average
weight. I'd rather divide whet
save with him than let a tailor gi
me the worst of it.”—Chicago Post.
more handsome or dignified than
the one she had named “Mr. Reed."
When one day the two “Mr.
Seeds” accidentally met in her re
ception room and the more illus
trious of them, attracted by the
beauty of his furry namesake,
stooped to stroke him and ask
“What do you call him?” the
lady had a bad quarter of a minute.
She did not know just how the
czar of the house of representatives
would like the idea that a cat had
been named for him. So ahe stum
bled out a hastily invented fictitious
name, and the conversation passed to
other topics, when suddenly a per
emptory voice sounded on the stair
way—“Mr. Beedl’ 1
“Mr. Heed!” it continued. “Are
you in the parlor? What are you
doing in that parlor?” Before any
explanations could be made a white
„ capped head was thrust in the door
way and an angry looking maidserv
ant cried, “Come out of that parlor,
I tell you, Mr. Reed I”
It is not on record that the cat
seemed embarrassed.—Philadelphia
Press.
The Baker’s. Romance.
During a recent tour in Spain
Mmc. Ella Russell received at her
hotel every evening a parcel contain
ing cakes, such as could be bought
Weary the Crook In Herd Luck.
“Now, then, young feller," said
Weary the Crook, “hand over that
fat pocketbook, plearfe, at once.
“That’s right Now, I shouldn’t
be surprised if it contained a cool
hundred. in bank notes. It’s fat
enough."
at an ordinary pastry cook’s. One
evening as she was leaving the hall
she was accosted by a small individ
ual, who took of! his hat and bowed
like a haughty Castilian. He an
nounced to the famous singer, much
to her surprise, that he had noticed
on each of the twenty nights on
which sho had sung in “Lucia di
Lemmermoor” she had always gazed
at him in his seat in the topmost
gallery. His mother hod a hakeryi
in the town, lie was an only son,
and placed his hand, his heart and
his fortune at her feet.
Won by a Photograph.
A pretty story is told of the in
troduction of the king of Portugal
to bis charming and clever wife.
One day, when the crown prince, as
ho then was, was cslling on the
French ambassadress, bis attention
was arrested by the photograph of
a sweet faced, fair haired girl on the
mantelpiece. Taking up the photo
graph to examine it more closely,
no said to the ambassadress:
“What a charming young lady I”
“Yes,“was the answer, “and she
is as charming as she looks. She is
tjie Princess Amelie of Orleans.”
On the following day the prince
was on his \nf to Paris, and a fort
night later his engagement to the
beautiful princess was formally an
nounced to the world.
Two Killsrs.
It is a very rare thing for General
Baden-Powell to be at a loss for
repartee, and his most humorous
sayings are generally spoken in a
low, even voice and with a serious
look only belied by the twinkling of
bis eyes. At a luncheon party a
celebrated doctor waa Chaffing him.
“And bow do yon feel when you
have killed a man professionally?”
be asked. '
“Ob," said Baden-Powell imper
turbably, *T don’t mind it. How
do yon feel under the same tirenm-
Jstaaccs?"
But it didn’t. It only contained
a lot of advertisements for situa
tions vacant which that young man
had meant to apply fur. '
Unfortunate Phrase.
“Oh, John,".cried Mrs. Subbnbs
the moment he got home, “you told
the cook this morning to clean up
the silver, didn’t you r’
“Yes,” he replied. “Why?”
“Well, she cleaned up the silver
and a lot of other things, and she’s
gone with them.” — Philadelphia
Cause and Effect.
“She’s - terribly troubled with
corns.”
“Why, she told me she hedn’t
one.”
"I know. They’re her husband’s,
and they make him too cross for
anything."—Philadelphia Bulletin.
Little Willie.
Willie—Mr. Oldboy, why do the
psy^fou are in your second child
Mother—Willis! |
Willie—Oh, I know; It'll because
yon are baldheadcd, just liko baby
Dick.—Boston Transcript
Tb# Great Condition.
Lover—Hay I have your answer
now?—
Father—Can you keep my daugh
ter supplied with expensive automo
biles as she has been used to?—D.
troit Free Press.
FOB THE LITTLE ONES.
A Brava Little Bey Who Baved His
Brothsr Prom a Cougar.
Four children of Mr. Rodenbeig,
whose home is at Big Skookum, go
to school at a public school house
a long way off. One Wednesday
during the last of June tbeae chil
dren, being on the road homeward,
were straggling along at some dis
tance from one another, when s
cougar sprang out qf an ambush
and seized the little boy who brought
up-the rear. This little fellow was
the youngest of the party, being
only six years old, and least likely
to resist the beast, as that watchful
creature seems to bsvc known when
it saw the .school children goihg by
(ingle file.
The cougar seized the lad by the
head and eat upon him, snarling at
the older boy of the party, an eight-
year-old youngster, who came to
save his brother. The brave boy
had in his right hand a milk bottle
of heavy glass. lie took hold of
ono of the cougar’s ears and with
the bottle began to beat the snarl-,
ing beast over the head. At the had
third or- fourth blow the bottle
broke and a hundred fragmenta of
glass were scattered about It is
CONDENSED STORIES.
Joaquin Mmol's Story of the Colonol’o
Inherited Title.
Joaquin Miller was one of the
first investors in Texas oil wells.
Passing the question of' financial
profit, theso w<-i ■ furnished him
with at least on. good story. Tha
poet visited the l.ouc Star State to
inspect his property and there mat
s man who answered tc^tho title of
“colonel.” One day when this man
and the poet were together the talk
turned to the war of secession. Mil
ter thought his companion had
taken part in that struggle, but the
colonel said he had been a nom-om-
batani. Then Miller made u hold
guess that the title wus derived
fr<y i a militia commission. ll.:t not
so, jor was it a result of an
ment on the governor’s staff. Xei
ther did it come from service .lur
ing the Spanisli-Amcrican unable.
“Ah,” said Miller at last, think
ing he had the mystery solved,
commanded the Texas rangt-t
one time. They were hrave men,
and it was on honor to lend them. 1
“No,” said the colonel, “1 never
anvthing to do with tha
crs.”
1’cll, tell me,” persisted Miller,
“is the titlo merely assumed? Have
possible that some of the fragments ’ you no right to it ?”
entered the com
for aa soon as tl
rich
entered the cougar’s biasing oyes,’ _ “Certainly I have a right to it—
on ns
let go his bold and ran oil
into the bushes, from which he die
not again emeri
Meanwhile the unhurt children
took the wounded boy into a neigh
boring farmhouse. The wounds
were all flesh wounds and when they
had been dressed tho little fellow
grew quite animated in his account
of tho adventure.—Seattle Post-In
telligencer.
Sharing the Birthdays.
In Japan they have a very simple
method of dealing with birthda
celebrations, the people waiving al.
claim to their individual natal day.
Thero are two goncral birthdays,
one' for each sex. The male birth
day, which is known as “tho cele
bration-of tho boys," occurs on the
third day of the third month and
tho “celebration of the girls” on tho
fifth day of the fifth month. These
days are general holidays for the
young. The birthday of the mika-
do, or ten-o, as he is more properly
termed, is also a general holiday
throughout the country, tho houses
being decorated with flags and in
numerable colored lanterns.
Conundrums.
What country is like a happy dog?
America (i-mcrry-cur).
Which is the biggest, Mr. Bigger*!
baby or Mr. Bigger? Mr. Bigger*!
baby is a littla Bigger.
is a farmer cruel, to his
corn? TVhon he pulls its ears.
If a good boy wears hi* pants out
what will he do? Wear them in
•gain.
An Accurate Division.
Charlie was given seven choco
lates to bo divided between himself
and his lister Grace. He commenced
eating one, and when ha was asked
why he didn’t divide with Grace he
said:
“Because I hare to cat one be
fore they will divide even."—Little
Chronicle.
Natural Bcltnce.
Pot some perfectly clear limewa-
ter into a tumbler, and. through a
flans tube, breathe into it. Tha wa-
er will become as white as milk.
After it has remained undisturbed
for awhile a deposit of white pow
der will be found at the bottom of
the glass.
Master Mutiny.
Just sis rears today I bsvs lived la the
world
With miT hair Uks s Ctrl's, all twisted
and curled.
And the bora on tha street, when I paaa
them, all cry:
ke’ he tho best kind of right," replied the
colonel ja an sflcuded ipu#. “I,
youmust know how I got itl’ll tel
you. I inherited it.”
"Inljoritcd it I” ejaculated Miller.
“From whom, your father?”
“No, sir. From Colonel James
Smith, who died two years ago.
married his widow." — New York
Times.
Bogus Bohemlanlsm.
The real bohemian docs not wish
to be put on show for the delects,
tion of persons who do not under
stand him. There is a story told of
Maurico Barrymore which Ulus-
Wall rvs takas thpsa hateful old curl,
off today.
And now when they mast aw warn an
noun ms bat ore tub book.
trite* this point Entering a famous
bohemian club in New York
night, he found a lot of commercial
men in toll possession. They greet
ed “Barry" effusively. He had hard,
ly got himself “fairly aat" when one
of them slapped him on the back
and said, "Barry, speak us a piece."
Then a chorus saia: “Yes, get fun
ny, old man. Cut np. Wo’ve aU
heard that you were a great enter
tainer." Barry glared around for
a moment and thon said, “I’ll do a
bandspring for you, gentlemen, bnt
I can’t speak a piece.’’ Then he
reached through the silence and
picked his hat off tho hook.. That
was tha last time he entered the
club. .
Tha Taciturn Man.
Mrs. Van Vorst, tho author of
"Tho Woman Who ToUs," bad many
amusing and odd adventures during
her life as a worker. One adventure
that has not heretofore been printed
concerned a taciturn man.
She met this man on a New Eng
land rood mending a worm fence.
"Can you’tell mo," sho said to
him, “how far it is from hero to the
next town?"
He pointed forward. “Milestone
little further on will teU you," he
growled.
Budeness such as this vexed Mrs.
Van Vorst. “But the milestone will
b* no good to me, for I can’t read,”
sbasaid.
Thereupon the taciturn man
chuckled a little. “Ho, ho,” he
said. “It is just the kind of mile
stone for people that can’t read, for
all the writin’a been washed off of
it”
Didn’t Nssd Halp.
Tha late Bav. George Koenig, a
Brooklyn clergyman, who was rath
er puritanical in his views, rebuked
one of his periabioners whom he
saw with her hair profusely curled.
“U tho Lord intended your hair to
curl," he said, “h* would bar# curl
ed it for you." Whereupon the
young lady replied saucily:
"He did when I was a baby, but
now I am quit* able to curl it my-
salf."
THE DAGUERREOTYPE.
Odd Notions Concerning tho
When It Wm Now.
Many amusing retimrka wore made
at the doors of daguerreotype galleries
when they were first opeued lu this
country. A small frame coutuiulng a
dozen speclmena would draw a crowd.
Ono man would uudertako to describe
bow they were made. “You look In the
machine, and tho plcturo comea-lf you
look long enough." Another would
■ay: "It la not so much the looking tkat
does It The sun burns It In If you
keep still” Another mude It all very
plain by stating, “The plate la a look
ing glass, and when you alt in front ot
It your shadow sticks on the plate.”
How It came about waa never
known, but the Impression became
general that the sitter must not wink.
No operator of Intelligence eyer told
the sitter not to wink, for the effort to
refrain would have given the eye an
unnatural expression. We found It a
doty to tell tho titter to wink aa usual;
that natural wlnklug did not affect tb#
picture. Even then It was not always
understood. One old lady juryped out
of the chair beforo a Bitting waa half
over, raising both bands and exclaim
ing: “Stop it stop It! I winked!”
Another remarkable fact was that
allters seldom uck now lodged their own
likenesses. “All good but mine,” wss
the common decision. An aged couplo
after examining their pictures came to
this conclusion, “Marla, yours Is per
fect but this docs not look like me.”
But the old lady answered, “Jeems,
yours Is as natural aa life, but mine Is
a failure.” After a longer consultation
tbp gentleman. JWtfi, "We ju«|t
know neb other better than wo know
ourselves." At one time when Daniel
Webiter eat for o degucrreotjpo tho
finished picture was hold before him.
Turning awajr, be said: "I am not to
lodge of mj own looks It la for jou
to lodge, and you mnst decide whether
the work Ir worthy of your reputa
tion.”—A. Boganlua In Century.
MISTAKES IN LIFE.
■roodlnv Over Whom fa (laelaaa aa!
Uapruntabl. Work.
Ono of the moat unprotltoblo ways
of spending time Is the practice, to -
which many poraona aro addicted, of
brooding over the mistakes one has
msdo in life and thinking 'what be
might have been or achieved If he
had not done at certain tlmea Just what
he did da Almost every unsuccessful
man In looking over his past career la
Inclined to think that It would have
been wholly dllferont but for certalo
•lips and blunders-ccrtaln baity, ill
considered acta Into which be waa be
trayed almost unconscloualy and with
out a suspicion of their consequence*.
Aa he thinks of all the good things
of thla world—honor, position, power
and Influence-of which ho baa bera
deprived In some mysterious. Inexplica
ble way, be baa no pathmee with him
self, and aa It la painful and humiliat
ing to dwell long upon ono's own fol
lies It la fortunate If he doeMttot Im
plicate others—friends and relatlvas—
In bla disappointments. Perhaps, as
education has never been free from
mistake*—mistake* Indeed of every
klnd-be Impute* tha blatnt to bis
early training, In which habits of thor
oughness and accuracy or, again, of
•elf reliance and Independence of
thong lit may not have been Implant-
Perhaps a calling was chosen for
by bla parents without regard to
Via peculiar talents or tastes and pref
erences, or If be waa allowed to choose
tor himself It waa when bla lodgment
was Immature and unlit fOr the rrepoo-
albtUty. The result waa that the square
man got Into the round hole or the tri
angular man got Into the square bole
or the round man squeezed hlmaolf
Into *ho triangular hole.—Ijnccsaa,
CONDENSED SYQfllES.
Haw Bishop Potter Dot tha Bast af a
Treasured Joke.
San Francisco is still repeating
and laughing over the bonmots
Bishop I’otter let drop on the oc-
cation of his visit to that city two
years ago to attend the Episcopal
masvention.
At that time tha citizens Were
very much astir because the famous
eastern bishop was to be a visitor
within their gates, and they vied
with one another to honor their
guest. The bishop was kept busy
declining the invitations that he had
not timo to accept. But one invita
tion that be did avail himself of
was to occupy the magnificent resi
dence of William Crocker, one of the
millionaire families of which Mrs.
Francis Burton Harrison tnd Mrs.
Alexander aro eastern representa
tives.
The house is a showy ono, situat
ed upon Nob hill, where the early
California millionaires built their
homes, so it is a "show plaoe." It
camo to have a double in tercet when
it was occupied by the bishop. One
day a San Franciscan was showing
the group of residences to a friend
who was visiting in the city. As
they approached the “Will Crocker”
home he sprang the treasured joke
which bo had been saving for the
right moment. “Thia," said he,
with a flourish, “is Mr. Crocker’s
Pottery.” j
Ho did not recognize the gentle-
mnn who was at that moment de
scending the steps. It was the bish
op, who could not lelp overhearing
and who had a twiuklo in hia eye.
“I hog |Avdon for correcting yo - ',"
he said, ‘Tint you are mistaken. This
is llislmp Potter’s Crockery."—
Washington Star.
A liar* Crlllr.
A clergyman woe rebuked by one of
the ruling elders for saunter!ug on the.
Sunday along. the hltlsldo above tho
n. The clergyman took the re-
buko In good part, but tried to show
tho remonstrant that the action of
which bo complained was Innocent end
lawful, end bv was about to cite tho
famous example of a Sabbath walk,
with the plucking of the ear* of corn,
1. a«t forth In tho go. pc la, when b«
waa tnterruptad with the remark, "Ou
aye, air, 1 ken wool what you mein to
any. but for my palrt I ban nefor thocht
tha better o' them for breakln’ tha
Hawbbath." — Gelkle'a "Scotch Rem
iniscences." •
Tha Konger*. Slat.
■One of tha queerest little animals of
the antipodean wilds of Ihe paradox,
leal continent of Australia la a little
aoologlcal oddity which the netnrellata
bare celled the kangaroo raL It av
erages no. larger than the common ro
dent of tho Norway variety, bnt la a
miniature kangaroo In every respect
Its mode of locomotion la precisely the
•ame as that of Macropus gtgantaiis.
Besides thla, tha female carries Its
young In pouches which nature baa
provided for that purpose and In many
other respects Imitates the habits and
characteristics of Us gigantic relative
Be Room Par Donbt.
"Ob, my, yap, ha’s away np In Shake
speare"
“Is he? I shouldn't hare gncreed
that he had ever read a line of Shake-
"Tbat’e strange Haven't you noticed
that every littla while ha says in
•oothr “-Chicago Record-Herald.
A Uttlo laetleed te It niaaaelL
Towns—There's nothing I bate re
much as a lazy man.. Brownw-WeU, I
wish there were more of them. Towns
-Too do? Itrowue Sura. The more
we'd hare In
Tim. to L«am.
One of tho latest stories of the
strange reasoning of negroes comes
from J. H. Stoddart, tho veteran
actor, and is of an incident he wit
nessed in 1-ouisiane on a tour
through that part of the country.
“I had an afternoon lay, off in
this Louisiana town,” said the ac
tor, “and with nothing to do room
ed about tho place. Fnitlly I got
to the courthouse and went in. A
negro trial was on, and s typical old
darky waa one of the witnesses. He
was fixing tho timo of the occur
rence of tnc trouble and said it waa
half past 3 in the afternoon.
“ 'How do you know it was half
oast 3?’ demanded the lawyer for
the .other side.
“ 'Why, I—I knowed it we* half
past 3 by my watch. I knowed it,’
stammered the darky.
“‘Can-you tell time?’ demanded
the lawyer.
“ 'Sure, I can toll time;' answered
the witness.
“ ‘What time is it now?* demand-
ad the lawyer, pointing to the dock..
“The darky qf tidied the dock for
a minute; then he said he did not
know what time it was.
‘"But I thought you could toll
time,’ said the lawyer, with anger.
‘"Well, I can toll time, bore, by
my -watch,’ said the (larky, 'bnt I
isn't toll no time v by no dock.’ ”
One Thing Clark Fergeb
A call for a minister was about
to be isauod in Champ Clark’s home
town in Missouri, san tho Washing
ton correspondent of the New Yon
World. It was made; and whan tb*
minister arrived the church commit
tee found thl miniatcr and Repre
sentative Clark wero old school
mates. They went to him and ask
ed him about tho now minister.
“He’s ~a good man,” said Mr.
Clark. “He will infuso new Ufe
into the church and is ono of the
most sociable fellows I ever met
lie is eloquent, tellk a good etory
of the right kind and will be quite
an addition to our town.”
Tho committee started to leave,
feeling very good over having made
such an excollont selection, when
Clark called them back, saying:
“Oh, I forgot to toil you that Dr.
Blank ia fierce when ho gets drank.
There’s no handling him when he
drinks."
A Humorous Sheriff.
Jack Steel used to be sheriff down
in Representative Dougherty’s dis
trict in Missouri, and Mr. Dougher
ty tells this story on him:
"Tho county judge -was a man
weighing 300 pound*. Steel, who
kept the local hotel, summoned a
j ury for a term, and not one of tha
urors weighed less than 2S0 pounds.
On tha first cess called Steel fed the
jurymen e dinner consisting of plen
ty of onions, buttermilk and other
soporific foods, with the result that
in the afternoon ail of them and the
judge went to sleep.
‘jJBheriff,’ said the judge on awak-
tnnff, ‘this court is hero for busi
ness. In future I want you to se
lect a jury with a single eye to jus
tice,'
“‘Yet your honor/ answered
Steel.
"The next panel summoned con
sisted entirely of one eyed men."