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Can This Be True ? I nHBH^K fixtruorditiary Sclf-He*traln f of a Kews- pippr Advertiser. “I would like to have an advertise- J anent inserted.” I This is a slogan that would resur rect a dead man behind a newspaper 'Counter, and the eh rk turned as if by ^ .an electric current, and ejaculated : ‘•Yes, : ir; want the top of the ■column, I s’pose t” “No; I a n not particular,” said the advertiser, “Want it inside next leading edito- jr ia l ?” Folly in the Guise of Wit. \ l Lv- “Either page will answer,” replied ihe other. ■ W ent a cut of a death’s head and -mat row brutes, or a sore leg to make it attractive, or a port, ait of the adver- ip<r with longhair and a turn-down hitt collar?” •Cur type, black ink, and white s; tr are pood enough for me,” was c bo ro >onse. “A. > right; want head-line in type in ; aiit longer ihan Jenkins’ ad. in < xi. oolumn, or will you have it put to tip-;do down, or your name in <»< oeed letters Ike forked lightning itilj t ver it?” "No; a i lain, siraightforward ad vertisement in space of four inches will answer my purpose.” “Good enough. Want about ten it • ~ »t notice free, dont you? Fam ily hiviory, bow your grandmother bl-ci.yi Washington’sboot9once; men tion of yourself as a member of a cir culating library, church, Are com pany, co-operative store, bam ball club, and other important public po sitions ?” The customer said he did not care for any notice. “Of course,” said the clerk, “you want a free paper sent to each mem ber of the firm ; one for yourself, and the privilege of taking half a dozen copies oft the counti r every week for the next year cr two because you ad vertise?” The gentleman expected to pay for his paper, and then asked the price of the advertisement. The delighted clerk figured it up am*nihen asktd: "* “If we send you the bill around in about a year, you can tell the boy when to call again, can’t you?” “No, I will nay you now,” said the other, taking out a roll of bills. The newspaper man’s eyes bulged as he said: “Ah, you want to ask for 75 ptr cent, discount, and 25 pir cent, oft for cash ?” “I am ready to pay a fair price for value received. Tell me your regular rates and here is the money.” A beatific exj rcssiou spread over the wan face of the wcrn clerk, aud he murmured: “8.ranger, when did you come down, and when do you expect the apostles along?”—Beaton Commercial Advertiser. When a main kums to me for advice 1 find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him ; this satisfies him that he and I are two as smart men as th* ra is living.—Joah Billings, A recently superseded foreign minis ter, while passing through London on his return to this country, registered himself at Bowie’s American agency “Colonel , American Minister, —, in rougLt for home.” In a gambling house—One of the bystanders exclaims, “I take back one louis.” The banker replies se verely, “ Bardon, monsieur, but you bave not depos:tsd anything.” “ Oh, then I’ll take back what I said.” Religious Jots. A gentleman explains to an honest peasant, who has been allured by the doctrines of Communism, that even if it were possible to have a redistribu tion of property his share wouldn’t amount to mi re than 300 francs, ac cording to the latest statistics of popu lation and wealth. “ Well,” says the honest peasaL t, with a smirk of satis faction, “three hundred fiancs would make a very tidy little sum along with what I have a'ready. Commu nism is by no means such a bad thin !” The old general sends an orderly to announce to his young wife that he shall be home to dinner, instead of leaving town on a tour ot inspection. “Well.” savs the gemral. when the messenger reti rus from the errand, did she say anything—send any mes sage?” “She didn t say anything, genual,” replied the orderly, “but she looked whole circulating libra ries! ’ “The chief-justice, after the court has adjourned—“Brother X., I must congratulate you upon your masterly argument.” Eminent counsel—“Ob, really, your honor, praise from—” Toe C. G.—“Of course, you will un derstand, Brother X., that I do not agree with every tiling you said. Some of your arguments were sound ; others were of a specious nati re, such as could only convince those haviug but a su perficial knowledge of the law.” E. C.—“Your honor sees through my device. The sound tr/umeLti were directed toward you. I threw in the specious ones for theothi r members of the court, who don’t know anything about law in its more profound depart ments. They’ll never see through them as you did.” (P. S.—He finally obtains a decision by the casting vote of the chief justice). A Venomous Lizard. Stories about venomous lizards of different species are abundant in In dia and other tropical countries, but on investigation Lave always been found destitute of foundation. There is, however, one l.zard of which the bite Is certainly highly dangerous, though probably not fatal, to man. This is the Heloderm (Heloderma horridum) of Mexico and Lower Cali fornia, commonly known to the na tives of those countries as the “ set rpi- one ” or Bcorpion. An example of this lizard has lately been presented to the London Zoological Society's col lection by Sir John Lubbock. The deadly effect of the bite of this lizard upon small mammals has been i roved by actual experiment, aud Mr. J. Stien, a traveler in Mexico, who was bitten in the finger by one, suffered from symptoms similar to those pro duced by a snake-bite. The specimen In the Z lological 8 piety’s collection is about fifteen inches long, and was forwarded to Sir John Lubbock by ^Mr. Treadwell, of the Centrul Ar zona filing Company. It is believed to the first that he reached Europe ive. Buckwheat Cakes.—Warm one oint of sweet milk and one pint of water (one may be oold and the other jboiling); put half the mixtare in a Intone i rock, add five teacups buck wheat flour, beat well un il smooth, t^dd the rest of the milk aud water, k kl last, a teacup of yeast. Or the 1 \b ingredients may be used, except A Bug two tablespoons offeuolasses |Ugar and using one quart of water of one piut eaoh of milk aud One fact was demons'rated at the Bi-Centennial celebration, which few people noticed, but which to those wbo did had much significance in it that was euggettive. It was the great ex cess of women among the spectators, an excess which at points amounted to four to one man.—Steelton Reporter. And another fai tof much signitteai.ee, which maDy people noticed and that was suggestive, was the grei t excess of men in the parade. Strange, how these things happen.—Ex. Advice given by a practical old father to his son, just setting out for Pi ris: “My son, never possess your self of the property of another ; it is v r >ng to do so, and, besides, you have ample means of your own. Never conceal the truth ; it does not pay. Do not oppress ttte feeble, but, at the same time, there is no necessity for inter fering in their behalf ; you would only make enemies of both sides. And en deavor never to have any enemies, i r, which comes to the same thing, any friends. Good-by I Bless you!” A Parisian, having advertised for a coachman, was called upon by a can didate, who referred him to a celebra ted physician for iDlormati^i in re gard to his qualities. The gentleman called on the physician, who simply took his pen and wrote on a pltce of paper that his former servant was a reliable, punctual and polite coach man. Taking the paper in his hand and thanking the wri'.er for it, the man tc rued to leave ; but the physi citm called him back: “I beg your pardon, sir, but my terms for a con t uttation are forty francs.” The churches of this country con tribute, according to estimate, over $100 000,00' lotbe w< rk cf the gospel. About ti r .e-foiMlia of this is for ehuroh maMter-no", and the other fourth for bent voleut and missionary purprses Dr. Lyruen Abbott has been argu ing, contrary !o the commonly ac cepted opinion that Paul was not a logician, but an Idealist and a poet, and ttiat no |y by reason of his educa tion and th* demands of tbo age in which he An e, his epistles assumed ad' vmal i c everely logical form. The (-Gift wich islands have more varieties of religion than any other teriin 1/ A equal extent outside of the great cities and their immediate sur- roun lings. To add to the variety al ready in operation, two m tive evan- elists bave now commenced work. One of these has quite a gitt for sing ing, and therefore the pair have acquired the name of the Hawaiian Moody and Sankey. They C raw large audiences. The case of “Deacon” Richardson,of Brooklyn, has become famous. He was expelled fr )in the Hansom Place Baptist Church some weeks ago be cause the horse car company of which he is president had laid some rails in tno street on Sunday in repairing or extending its road. He has now been resti red to full membtrship. The statement is going the rounds of ttie papi rs that Mr. RicbarIson has been taken back because he said he was si rry. This is not the case. Tue meeting which turned him out was a. small one which happened to be com posed largely of his enemies. The. meeting which has now readmitted liim was one of nearly two huudred members, in which his i nemies did not happen to be in the majority. His chief prosecutor, a man who had been riding four miles to church in horse- cars every Sunday, was so indiguaut at the “deacon’s” readmission that he at once asked aud obtained a letter ol dismissal. Although many people are more or less dissatisfied with the old-fashioned Bible, nobody of any sense will be likely to take up in its place the “new Bible,” which is tlrnist on the world with the singular name of “Oahspe.” The contents are quite as singular as the name, aud the illustrations are wi rse than anything which even ap peared in the paper under the guise of ‘‘war maps.” A more extraordinary jangle of disjointed nonsense has stl- dom, if ever, be^n put in print. “Oahspe” is a volume about as large as a family Bible. Its authi r lives in New Yt ra and follows the profession of dentistry for a living. Its capitalist is a benevolent millionaire, who has an open ear and an open pocket^for a variety of strange schemes whose pur poses appear to be good. There is no danger that “Oahspe” will do the community any harm, for there are probably not a dozen pt rsons uu earth who would have me patience to wade through it or who could comprehend it if they would. remedy is net easily found. A corres pondent contributes the following: Sick headache is periodical, and is the signal of distress which the stomach puts up to ink roi us i f an over-alka line condition of its fluids; that it need 4 a natural acid to restore the bat tery to the normal working co edition. When the first symptoms of a head ache appear, take a teaspoonful of lemon juice clear, fifteen minutes before each uieal, and the same before bedtime. Follow this up until all symptoms are past, taking no other remedies, and you will soon be able to go without the unwelcome nuisance. Mauy will object to this, because the remedy is so simple ; but I bave mauy cures in this way. Give it a fair trial. Household Note*. Celery Soup.—Boil a email cup of rice in three pints of milk until it will pass through a sieve. Grate the white ptrj of three heads of celery on a lread grater; add this to the milk after it has been s' rained ; put to it a quart of strong veal stock ; let it boil until the celery is perfectly tender; season with Balt and cayenne pepper and serve. If cream is obtainable, substitute one pint for the same quan tity of milk. Broiled Oysters on the Half- Shell. — Select large shells, clean witn a brush, open, saving the juice; put oyster in boiling water for a few minutes, remove and place each oys ter in a half-shell, with juice; place on a gridiron over a brisk fire, and when they begin to boil season with butti r, sait, and pepper (some add a drop oi lemon juice), berve on half shell. Potato Rissoles.—Mash potatoes, salt and pepper t<> ta9te. Roll the po tatoes into small balls, cover them witli an egg and bread-crumbs, and fry in hot lard for about two minutis. 8 j rve with toneme or in no. Fried Cabbage —Cut the cabbage very fine on a sl^w cutter, if possible; salt and peppi r, stir well, and let aland five mim.tes. Have an iron kettle smoking hot, drop one table- spoonful of lard into it, then the cab bage, stirring briskly until quite ten der; send to table immediately. An agreeable change is to put one-half a cud of sweet cream, and three table spoons of vinegar—the vinegar added after the cream has been well stirred —Into the cabbnge and after taken from the stove. When properly done, an invalid cau eat it without injury, aud there is no oftensive odor from cooking. Tipsy Parson. — Stick a large square of sponge cake full of blanch ed almonds, and then lay it in a deep glass dish ; pour over it a tumbler of she'rv, aud wheu the wine has all soaked into the cake, fill the dish half full of soft custi rd. t op Overs.—One cap of milk, one cup of fl mr, one egg, a little salt. This will make one dozen cakes, one tablespoon ful to each patty pan. Bake in hot oven. This excellent recipe is one jriven good by a contributor accompll-hed in all household arts. A Naturalist in Ceylon. The Arachy cultivated lemon grass upon the rounded hills that si rround- ed his garden ; from this very dry grass a simple process of distillation ex tracts a fragrant and much prized pier- fume. The whole neighborhood is penetrated with the sceut. The work men who are t ccupied with the dis tillation and with the cultivate, in of the bananas live in about a d< zen scatti red huts clustered under the shade of bread fruit and j k trees; groups of slender areca aud cocoa palms, with here an i there kittuls aud ialipata spreading their feathery crowns high over the level of the for est mass, beirey ihe hiding-place ot the little bambio inti. My visit to them aud my intircourie with their friendly inhabitants taught me almost to envy their simple and natural mode of existence. They are all pure Singhalese, cinnamon colored and delicately formed, thtir clothing is limittd to a narrow white cloth round the loins. The bright, pretty boys were eagerly glad to help me in col lecting birds and insects, while the grace ful black-eyed girls twined gar- lauds and adorned my ox cart with flowers. At evening time, when tlie swift-footed bullocks had been htr- nessed to the e> r., and I had taken my place by the Aracby, our rapid star, was a special deiight to the chil dren. and as we rolled along the lovely l auks of the lagoon we weie usually followed by a swarm of twen ty or thirty gay In tie creatures, shout ing and waving palm leaves or pelt ing us with fl livers. IT « Scientific and Useful. Just down by the stream where the bracken gr *ws rank she placed her easel, and sal by it sketching fiom nature. “Please ma’am, is that me you're drawiug miikiug that cow in the pasture?” “Why, yes, my little man; but I did’ut know you were looking.” “’Cos if tint’s me, you put me on the wrong, side of the cow, nd I’ll geLkio Equal parts of gum arable, guqp myrrh aud blood root, made into a powder and used as snuft, will remove every traoe of catarrh. How to Swim. There is really no uiyttery in learn ing to swim—an accomplishment which is possessed in perfection by the most stupid of frogs. More than once have explained how any one can teach himself. The trunk, less the t rms, is heavier 'than water ; witn the arms it is lighter ; all, therefore, that a person bas to do is to acquire the habit of drawing in the breath when he is making it. Let any one do tbis and keep calm, and he will find that he can swim. But, perhaps, it is better to acquire confidence by a pre liminary oourse ot floating. To do this it is only necessary to lie flat on the water, stretch out the arms witn the palm of the haikds downward, throw back the headland whenever the body sinks low, breathe slowly to fill the lungs with air. Dr. Howe says in r causes and cure of si “ nine times out of ten, t the fact thut the stomach digest the food last iutrodu either from its having bee or excessive in quantity, bread and butter, with rip berries, with moderate, continuous ex ercise in theopen air,sufficient to beep up a gentle perspiration, will $ften oure it in a short time. One teaspoon- ful of powdered charcoal in half a glass of water, aud drink, sometimes gives relief. And jet the abftve remedies ot avail in all oak ard to the headache : cause is in ot able to into it, suitable diet of fruit or Spurgeon on Conscience. The Rev, C. H. 8pi rgeon a few weeks ago gave a “R-cognition Ad c’ress,” on the induction of a new pastor to a Baptist chapel. It was characti r zed by the farnoys preachi r’a usual earnestuess, felicitous use of anecdote, and humerous common sense conveyed in good Stxon Eng lish. The burden ot the address was “Encourage the minister!” Mr. Spurgeon, like Sir Garnet Wolseley’s oldiers a‘; Tei-el-Kabir, went “straight” at his her rers. Among other useful hints he warned them not to fall into the ranks of those whom we may call “nomadic Chris tens “those who must go and take a sniff at tbis place, and a uni ft at that, and a sniff at other. I do dislike thfct sort of spiritual gypsies. I have a notion that they do this, go about with their precious rags aud tints to save paying any taxes. I think that thin are some people tha go around fr >m place to place that may never take a sitting of their own and pay pew-reL t. Weil, my dear friends, if you do not pay pew-rent aud help to support your past* r, have you got any conscience? The good man i* to give all bis time for your edification, and persons have to sup port him, but you will not take your share in it. If so, your oonscieuce is exceedingly like that of a gentleman who some time ago was in a convict prison. The chaplain said: ‘John, have you any conscience ?’ Tne man answered : ‘Sir, I have one uearly as goo 1 as new, for I have never used it within my recollection.’ I should ad vise a little use of that thing called “ ie Poet's Corner. Old Love. I met Her, she was thin aud old ; • She stooped, and (rod with loitering feet; Tne hair was gray that once wan gold, The voice was harsh that once was sweet; Her hands wire wrlrkled, and her eyes, Robbed ot the girl lah light ol Joy, Were dim : I feit a sad surprise That I loved her when a boy. But yet a something in her air Restored me to the vuuished time; My heart grew young aud seem, d to wear The brightness oi my youthful prime. I took her withered hand lu mine, Its touch recalled a ghost ot Joy ; I kit-sed It with a reverent sigh. For I had loved her when a boy. The Golden Bod. Swiftly passing the w indow by, A glimpse 1 caught ol leathery gold— Slopped short with a start—it cannot be Dear Summer, thou art growing old t I will look again—too true, alas! The golden rod the rose replaces, At.d a. scarlet leal gleams here and there, Herald ol Autumn's transient graces. Give grateful thanks that with whitened locks And dim, sweet eyes, there are fresh, warm hearts, That t he best ol life lades not awa; When the hush and ardor of youtF Oh summer may come and sum wane, Winter o’ertake us with storm and cold, Hut the rose of Joy blooms on i^the soul, The happv soul that can never grow oli Despondency. Spring come* with solt caresses. And paints thy cheek Ana periutnes thy long hair, That dead thou may-st be fair. Then summer brings her buds And wealth of leaves, Tuat In the dusty tomb Toy grave-ciotbes lack uot bloom. Autumn gives stores of lruit And goodly cheer, 'i bat thy funereal feast Shall ^ot be scant, at least. And winter brings a shroud,— Last gltt to tuee; Cover the grave-mound high; Tuon wert born, sweet, to die! A Kiss for Mamma. The oar was all ready, the eeronaut saying A lew last words ere he tatied away to the far blue sky, wbtre tbe sunbeams straying Made perfect the glorious summer day ; While thousands and thousands were gath ering nigh, To wish him goodjourney, aud bid him good bye. A wee little maid with her sunny hair falling Baik from her beautiful onildtsh brow, sprang away Drum her nurse, her baby voloe calling: "And p’ease, Mr. Man, m <y i do now 7 I want to do up wlv ’no lu ’e sky, To flud ray own mamma an’ tlss *er dood- bye.” He kissed the sweet (ace, while the tear, drops were shining On many a oneek hardened with care ; He unclasped the arms round his nock loud ly twlulug And sailed irom tbe little one standing there But a s weet voloe rose to him, dear and free, “Tell mamma l’s dood dirt, uu' tUa'erlo* tne!" - ■ . Some latter-day philosopher has said: “Send me all the dresses a woman has worn in the oourse of i life aud I will writ