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THREE men and
f' A MAID ;
PaW^lSHf
FUN AND ACTION GALORE
Here's something new in the way of humor—a broadly humorous
novel of English life by an Englishman who has had the advantage of
a post-graduate course in American humor, lives in the United States
and writes largely for the American public—P. G. Wodehouse. There
are not many Englishmen who have succeeded in adapting their talents
c i American ideas of humor—Charlie Chaplin and Stephen Leacock aro
-wo conspicuous examples. Mr. Wodehouse got his education in Eng
'end and began his literary career by conducting a funny newspaper
column. He made his debut as a novelist in 1902 and now has a dozen
or more books to his credit. In 1909 he came to the United States and
iiis address is now Bellport, L. I.
‘•Three Men and a Maid" is clean, full of action and chockablock
with amusing situations. The maid is Wilhelmina Bennett, a nice Amer
can girl, red-headed and full of pep. One of the three men is Sam
Marlowe, an amateur British golfer, son of an eminent London lawyer.
Another is Eustace Hignett, Sam's cousin, 60n of Mrs. Horace Hignett,
the wc rld-famous writer and lecturer on theosophy. The third is Bream
Mortimer, American; his father and Wilhelmina’s father are lifelong
friends and are bent on a match between their children.
The story opens in New York. Mrs. Hignett is about to begin a
lecture tour. She has Eustace with her; her constant care i3 to shoo
the girls away from him, since she is a widow and Windles, the ancestral
Hignett estate, belongs to him. Bennett has been pestering her to lease
Windles—a crime in her eyes.
Bream informs Mrs. Hignett that Wilhelmina is waiting for Eustace
at the Little Church Round the Corner. Mrs. Hignett “pinches the
trousers" of her son. Wilhelmina—Billie for short—thereupon calls the
wedding off.
The author then gets his three men and a maid on the liner Atlantic,
bound for England. Sam runs into Billie and falls in love at first sight.
Eustace mopes in his cabin, heart-broken. Bream is tentatively engaged
to Billie. Mrs. Hignett does not know Sillie is on board; neither does
Eustace. Sam poses &s a hero and wins Billie only to lose her. Eustace
falls in love with Jane, a big-game hunter, Billie's traveling companion.
A pretty lively voyage, thatl
Eustace leases Windles to Bennett and presently the three men and
the maid are ail at the Hignett home. Sam has rehabilitated himself
with Billie by another display of heroism. Eustace and Jane are engaged.
Bream is hanging around. Then appears Mrs. Hignett, with red In her
eye. Action and fun galore!
CHAPTER I
Through the curtained windows of
the furnished apartment which Mrs.
Horace Hignett had rented for iief
slay in New York rays of golden sun
light peeped in like the foremost spies
of some advancing army. It was ex
actly eight; and Mrs. Hignett acknowl
edged tlie fact by moving her head on
tile pillow, opening her eyes, and sit
ting up in bed. She always woke at
!ffht precisely.
Was this Mrs. Hignett THE Mrs.
Hignett, the world-famous writer on
theosophy, the author of “The Spread
ing Light,’’ “What of the Morrow,” and
n’l the rest of that well-known series?
Lin glad you asked me. Yes, she was.
She had come over to America on a
lecturing tour.
( year 1921, It will be remem
hered, was a trying one for the inhabl
tfinrs of the United States. Every
fc °at that arrived from England
wrought a fresh swarm of British lec
turers to the country. Novelists, poets,
S'v-ntists, philosophers and plain, or
flinary bores; some herd instinct
denied to affect them ail simultane
ously.
-drs. Hignett had come over with the
, hatch of immigrants; for, spir
itual as her writings were, there was
solid streak of business sense in this
"aaian and she meant to get hers
the petting was good.
•'i:e had not left England without a
pang, for departure had Involved sac
™ices - M °re than anything else in
e v orld she loved her charming
mne. Windles, in the county of Hamp
, re - for so tuany years the seat of
Hignett family. Windles was as
the br-eath of life to her. Its shadv
" a,ks> its silver lake, Its noble elms,
flic old gray stone of Its walls—these
"ere bound up with her very being.
■ f <-‘lt that she belonged to Windles,
i matter of cold, legal accuracy, It
' f \; not - She did but hold it in trust
' r , her son - Eustace, until such time
n " -e should marry and take posses
s on of it There were times
ut thought of Eustace marrying
?,V.' ri nging a strange woman to
'' ind!es chilled Mrs. Hignett to her
” r °w. Happily, her firm policy
■meplng her son permanently under
e at home and never permitting
have speech with n female be
age of fifty had averted the
r ,f -r.i up till now.
ro had accompanied his
r to America. It was bis faint
_ 'which she could bear in the
r -g room, as, having bathed and
she went down the hall to
. breakfast awaited her. She
' ' tolerantly. She had never de
, onnv crt her son to her own
r . , " habits, for, apart from
' ! ng hhn to call his oou! his
own, she was au mdulgent mother.
Eustace would get up at half-past nine,
long after she had finished breakfast,
read her mail, and started her duties
for the day.
Breakfast was ou the table in the
sitting-room. Beside it was a little
pile of letters. Mrs. Hignett opened
them as she ate. The majority were
from disciples and dealt with matters
of purely theosophical interest. There
was an invitation from the Butterfly
club asking lier to be the guest of
honor at their weekly dinner. There
was a letter from her brother Mal
laby—Sir Mallaby Marlowe, the emi
nent London lawyer—saying that his
son Sam. of whom she had never ap
proved, would be in New York short
ly, passing through on his - way back
to England, and hoping that she would
see something of him. Altogether a
dull mall. Mrs. Hignett had just risen
from the table when there was a sound
of voices in the hall, and presently the
domestic staff, a gaunt Irish lady of
advanced years, entered the room.
“Ma’am, there was a gentleman."
Mrs. Hignett was annoyed. Her
mornings were sacred.
"Didn’t you tell him I was not to be
disturbed?”
“I did not I loosed him into the
parlor.”
The staff remained for a moment in
melancholy silence, then resumed. “He
says he’s your nephew. His name’s
Marlowe.’’
Mrs. Hignett experienced no dimi
nution of her annoyance. She had not
seen her nephew Sam for ten years
and would have been willing to ex
tend the period. She remembered him
as an untidy small boy who, once or
twice, during his school holidays, had
disturbed the cloistral pence of Win
dles with his beastly presence. How
ever, blood being thicker than water,
nnd all that sort of thing, she sup
posed she would have to give him five
minutes. She went into the sitting
room and found there a young man
who looked more or less like all other
young men, though perhaps rather
fitter than most. He had a brown
and amiable face, marred at the mo
ment by an expression of discomfort
somewhat akin to that of a cat In a
strange alley
“Hallo, Aunt Adeline!” he said awk
wardly.
“Well, Samuel," said Mrs. Hignett
There was a pause. Mrs. Hignett,
who was not fond of young men and
disliked having her mornings broken
Into, was thinking that lie had not
Improved In the sllghftst degree since
their last meeting; and Sam. who
Imagined that he had long since grown
to man’s estnte and put off childish
things, was embarrassed to discover
that his aunt still affected him as of
old. That Is to say, she made him
feel ns If be had omitted to sbav\
THE DANIELSVILLE MONITOR, DANIELSVILLE, GEORGIA.
md, In addition to that, had swal
lowed some drug which had caused
iini to swell unpleasantly, particularly
about the hands and feet.
"Jolly morning.” raid Sam. perae
verlngly.
‘‘So I Imagine. 2 have noryet been
out.”
“Thought I’d look In and eoe how
you were.”
“That was very kind of yon. The
morning is my busy time, but . . .
yes. that was very kind of you I”
There was another pause.
“How do you like America?” said
Sam.
“I dislike It exceedingly.”
“Yes? Well, of course some people
do. Prohibition and all that. Person
ally, It doesn’t affect me. I can take
It or leave it alone.’’
"The reason I dislike America ”
began Mrs. Hignett bridling.
“I like it, myself,” said Sam. ‘Tve
had a wonderful time. Everybody's
treated me like a rich uncle. I’ve been
in Detroit, you know, and they prac
tically gave me the city and asked
me if I’d like another to take home
in my pocket. Never saw nnythlng
like It. I might have been the mlss°-
ing heir. I think America’s the great
est invention on record.”
“And what brought you to Amer
ica?” said Mrs. Hignett, unmoved by
this rhapsody.
“Oh, I came over to play golf. In a
tournament, you know.”
“Surely at your age,” said Mrs. Hig
nett, disapprovingly, “you could be
better occupied. Do you spend your
whole time playing golf?”
“Oh, no. I hunt a bit and shoot a
bit and I swim a good lot, and I still
play football occasionally."
“I wonder your father does not In
sist on your doing some useful work."
“He Is beginning to harp on the sub
ject rather. I suppose I shall take a
stab at it sooner or later. Father says
I ought to get married, too.”
"He Is perfectly right."
“I suppose old Eustace will be get
ting hitched up one of these days?”
said Sam.
Mrs. Hignett started violently.
“Why do j-ou say that?”
“Eli?”
“What makes you say that?”
“Oh, well, lie’s a romantic sort of
fellow. Writes poetry and all that.”
“There Is no likelihood of Eustace
marrying. He Is of a shy and retir
ing temperament and sees few women.
He is almost a recluse.”
Sam was aware of this and had fre
quently regretted It. He had always
been fond of his cousin and in that
half-amused and rather patronizing
way in which men of thews and sinews
are fond of the weaker brethren who
run more to pallor and intellect; and
he had always felt that if Eustace had
not had to retire to Windles to spend
Ills life with a woman whom from his
earliest years he always considered the
Empress of the Wash-outs much might
have been made of him. Both at
school and at Oxford, Eustace had
been —If not a sport—at least a de
cidedly cheery old Sam remem
bered Eustace at school breaking gas
globes with a slipper in a positively
rollicking manner. He remembered
him at Oxford playing up to him man
fully at the piano on the occasion v.hen
he had dore that imitation of Frank
Tlnne.v which had been such a hit at
the Trinity smoker. Yes, Eustace had
had the making of a pretty sound egg,
and it was too bad that he hod al
lowed his mother to coop him up down
In the country miles away from any
where.
“Eustace Is returning to England on
Saturday,” said Mrs. Hignett. She
spoke a little wistfully. She had not
been parted front her son since be had
come down from Oxford; and she
would have liked to keep him with her
fill the end of her lecturing tour. That,
however, was out of the question.
It was Imperative that while
she was away, he should be at
Windles. Nothing would have induced
her to leave the place at the mercy of
servants who might trample over the
liower-beds. scratch the polished floors,
and forget to cover up the canary at
night. “He sails on the Atlantic."
“That’s splendid.” said Sam. "I’m
sailing on the Atlantic myself. I’ll go
down to the office and see If we can’t
have a stateroom together. But where
Is he going to live when be gets to
England?"
“Where Is he going to live? Why,
at Windles, of course. Where else?"
“But I thought you were letting
Windles for the summer?”
Mrs. Hignett stared.
“Letting Windles!” She spoke as
one might address a lunatic. “What
put that extraordinary Idea Into your
head?”
“I thought father said something
about your letting the place to some
American?"
“Nothing of the kind 1"
It seemed to Sam that his aunt
spoke somewhat vehemently, even
snappishly, in correcting what was a
perfectly natural mistake. He could
not know that the subject of letting
Windles for the summer was one which
had long since begun to Infuriate Mrs.
Hignett. People bad certainly asked
to "let Windles. In fact people had
pestered her. There was a rich fat
man. an American named Bennett,
whom she had met Just before sailing
at her brother’s house in London. In-
vited down to Windles for the Gar.
Mr. Bennett had fullen In love with tty*
place and had begged her to name her
own price. Not content with this, be
had pursued her with his pleadings by
means of the wireless telegraph while
she was on the ocean, and had not
given up the struggle even when she
reached New York. He bad egged on
a friend of Ills, a Mr. Mortimer, to
continue the persecution In that city.
No wonder, then, that Sam’s allusion
to riie affair had caused the authoress
of “The Spreading Light” momentarily
to lose her customary calm.
•’Nothing will Induce me ever to let
Windles,” she said with finality, nnd
rose significantly. Sam, perceiving
that the audience was at nn end —nnd
glad of It—also got up.
“Well, I think I’ll be going down nnd
seeing about that stateroom,” he said.
“Certainly. I urn a little busy Just
now, preparing notes for my next lec*
ture.”
“Of course, yes. Mustn’t Interrupt
you. I suppose you’re having a great
time, gassing away—l mean well,
good-by I"
"Good-by!”
Mrs. Hignett, frowning, for the in
terview bad ruffled her and disturbed
that equable frame of mind which Is
so vital to the preparation of lecture*
on theosophy, sat down at the writing
table and began to go through the
notes which she had made overnight.
She had hardly succeeded In concen
trating herself when the door opened
to admit the daughter of Erin one®
more.
"Ma’am, there was a gentleman.”
“This Is intolerable!" cried Mrs.
Hignett. “Did you tell him that I
was busy?”
“I did not 1 loosed him into the
dining-room."
“Is he a reporter from one of tM
newspapers?”
"He Is not. He has spats and a
tall-shaped hat His name is Bream
Mortimer."
“Bream Mortimer”
••yes, ma’ain. He handed me a hit
of a kyard, hut 1 dropped It, being
slippy from the dishes.”
Mrs. Hignett strode to the door with
a forbidding expression. This, as she
had justly remarked, was intolerable.
She remembered Bream Mortimer. He
was the son of the Mr. Mortimer who
was the friend of the Mr. Bennett who
wunted Windles. This visit could only
have to do with the subject of Windles,
and she went Into the dining-room In
a state of cold fury, determined to
squash the Mortimer family once and
for all.
Bream Mortimer was tall and thin.
He had small, bright eyes and a sharp
ly curving nose. He looked much
more like u parrot than most parrots
do. It gave strangers a momentary
shock of surprise when they saw
Bream Mortimer in restaurants egtlng
roast beef. They had tiie feeling that
he would have preferred sunflower
“Morning, Mrs. Hignett.”
“Please sit down."
Bream Mortimer sat down. Hfc
looked as though he would rather have
hopped onto a perch, but he sat down.
He glanced about tiie room with,
gleaming, excited eyes.
“Mrs. Hignett, J must have a word
with you alone”
“You are having a word with me
alone."
“I hardly know how to begin.”
“Then let me help you. It Is quite
Impossible. 1 will never consent."
Bream Mortimer started.
“Then you have heard I"
“1 have heard about nothing else
since I met Mr. Bennett in London.
Mr. Bennett talked about nothing else.
Your fattier talked about nothing else.
And now," cried Mrs. Hignett fiercely,
“you come and try to reopen the sub
ject. Once and for all, nothing will
alter my decision. No money will In
duce me to let my house.”
“But I didn’t come about that!”
“You did not come about Windles?"
“Good Lord, no!”
“Then will you kindly tell me why
you have come?”
"He found himself face to
face with an extraordinary pret
ty girl.”
" ” li O uhj CUiN X
, 1,500 Miles on an Ice Floe.
The experience of the batch of Nof*
wegian sealers who drifted to Spits
bergen on aD Ice floe the other day,
after their ship had been sunk far out
of sight of land to the northward, la
by no means unique, suys u writer la
a Loudon paper.
Several extraordinary escapes ef
fected by these means ore recorded In
maritime annals. Perhaps the most
marvelous of them all concerns the
cuse of the whaling ship Polaris, lost
In the Arctic ocean.
The survivors, 19 people In all, ac
tually drifted on un Ice floe 1,000
miles in 190 days before being seen
and rescued by the British sealer
Tigress. The castaways were then
only 190 miles north of Newfoundland.
Death for Smoking.
Sultans and priests of Turkey once
regarded smoking as so serious a erlme
that In many cases death by torture
was the punishment meted out to tbo
indulging in It.
/^cjust
j Little
\XSmile7/
VERY SENSITIVE
A famous author and an ambition*
young beginner arrived together at a
seaside hotel. On the second day of
their stay the author took the landlord
aside and said: “1 want to talk to you
about this young friend of mine. He Is
now In the writing game and earns very
little money. Asa favor to me I wish
you’d make his hill as small as possi
ble.”
The landlord, highly gratified at the
great man’s friendly attitude, promised
to do as requested, lie was about to
go when tin* author udded: “By the
way, don’t let iny hill he any bigger
than his. It would humiliate him.
Boys like that are extremely touchy.”
A GOLF MUTT
I think that old
Bill Green’s a mutt,
He chuckles when
I miss a putt.
Dizzy Birds.
The woodpecker was a Jailbird,
He sot It on the head:
This Is an age when one can’t be
So openly a "red."
Might Well Have Paused.
“Why didn’t you get an automobile?"
“Because I don’t know whether or
not I could manage one.”
“You didn’t let that consideration
stop you when you wanted a wife.”
The Right Fix.
“How afe you fixed, old man?”
“For what?”
“Why—er—l’d like a loan of $10.”
“Just right. I haven’t a cent with
me.”
Misfortune.
Crawford—l understand lie’s In very
hot water at home these days.
Crabshaw —Yes, lie headed a com
mittee to pick twelve famous women
and he forgot to include Ids wife.
MERCENARY /
GHOSTS. f \
Briggs has /A/ k
moved away /1, 1
from that houso mjr U \p J)
he was living in. MW .j / \\Sr
Ho says It was
haunted. ~ /- ir
And so it. was. / \
His creditors 1
were hanging
around there Ow-g#
day and night.
A True Friend.
Ho Is friend,
That fact I know,
For when I’m wrong
He tells me bo.
Make the Average Good.
“Dorothy didn’t have so very many
pre-nuptial showers.”
“She’ll make up for the lack In post
nuptial storms."
Sweet Revenge.
A woman bought a 5-cent paper ot
pins and handed Hie man a $lO bill.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “but I haven’t
got a nickel.”
“Don’t worry, lady,” said the 5 nnd
10-cent store man, grinding his teeth;
“you’ll have just 199 of ’em in a min
ute."
• - -
Veterans.
Flapper (after the accident)—lt
was all your fault. I’ve been driving
carefully. I’ve hud two years’ experi
ence.
Old Boy (picking himself up)—But
I’ve always walked carefully. I’ve had
sixty-eight years’ experience.
The Specialist.
“So you’re a specialist.”
“Yes. I’ve discovered that Is tht
way to get fancy prices for doing
what the family doctor Is supposed to
do as a part of the day’s work.”
Experienced.
Madge— ls It safe to let Charlie
nanage the car with one arm?
Marjorie—l guess so. He’s mighty;
tandy with the other.—Judge.