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A MODERN WALTON.
Now the melody which calls us
To our well remembered trails
Is Dame Nature softly playing
| On the fishes' silver scales,
THE REAL FACTOR.
“Did she consult the bridegroom in
fixing the date of the wedding?”
“Oh, no, to her dressmaker.”—Chi
eago Post.
FORBSIGHT.
“To-day,” said the minfster, “I think
you'd better take up the collection be
fore I preach my sermon.”
“Why so?”’ asked the vestryman.
“I'm going to preach on KEcon
omy.’ "—Philadelphia Press.
THE NEAREST SUBSTITUTE.
“You say the Russians haven’t any
expression for ‘Shiver my timbers’?”
“No. When a Russian sailor is in
that frame of mind he merely ex
elaims, ‘Well, I'll be torpedoed!’”
THE YONKERS COMPLEXION.
She—That new boarder who came
today has a beautiful olive complex
ion.
He—Well, after she’s been here 2
few weeks I guess she’ll have a prune
complexion.—Yonkers Statesman.
A MOMENT’'S HAPPINESS.
Wife—The styles are returning to
1830.
Stingiman—Glad to hear it. I was
afraid they would be s99.9B.—New
York Sun.
HER RECORD.
Mrs. Wiggs—Cook has only broken
one dish to-day, dear.
Mr. Wiggs—That’s better. How did
that happen?
Mrs. Wiggs—lt was the last one.—
Scraps.
HIS. PCINT OF VIEW.
“But,” protested the typewriter
boarder. ‘“Adam wasn't contented
without a wife.”
“Perhaps not,” rejoined the old
bachelor, “but at that stage of the
game he didn’t know anything of good
or evil.”—Chicago News.
THE COOKS CARRYING CAPACITY
“You are having trouble with your
eooks?”
“Yes. The first one carried on so.”
“And how about the last?”
“She carried off so. I lost two vests
and a hat.”—Philadelphia Record.
EVEN IN ALADDIN’S DAY.
Aladdin was rubbing his wonderful
lamp.
“Isn’t it lovely?” they cried.
“No,” he returned, “I’d much rather
skin the gas company.”
With a heavy sigh he paid the bill
—New York Sun.
MORE DEFINITE INFORMATION.
“Now, William,” said the man of
business to the office boy, “I am going
out to get shaved.”
“Please, Sir,” said the boy, hesitat
ing: “if any one calls and wants to
know where you are will I say you’'ve
gone to the barber’s or down to Wall
Street?”’—Yonkers Statesman.
A TRYING QUESTION.
A pale and dishevelled Frenchman
was sinking into his deck chair on a
Channel steamer when a passenger
asked cheerily:
“Ah, monsieur, have you breakfast
ed?’
“No, monsieur.” answered the pallid
Frenchman, “I haf not breakfasted—
on ze contrary?"——Tit-Bits.
HE DIDN'T LIKE HER.
“look here,” said the sour-faced
lady whe had answered his “Per
sonal,” “your ad. is a fake; it dis
tinctly stated ‘object matrimony.’”
“Well—er—um-—you see,” falterec
the man, nervously, “there was som:c
mistake. The printer omitted a word
The, ad. should have read, ‘objeect tc
matrimony.” "—Town Topics. «
HIS WORD SETTLED IT.
“We'll go to the seashore this Sum
mer,” said Meekly. “For a long tim«
we couldn’t decide between the moun
tains and the seashore.”
“Who finally decided the matter?”
“I did. I said, ‘we’ll go to the moun
tains,’ and immediately my wife clos
ed her jaws and went out to selec’
materials for a bathing suit.”—Phila
delphia Press. _
DOUBLE MEASURE OF JOY.
“But your hero and heroine get mar
ried in the middle of the story. How
do you expect the public to keep on
being interested in a book like that?”
they get divorced in the last chapter
and live happily ever after. So, you
see, the reader is made twice glad for
one price of admission.”—Chicago
Record-Herald.
USELESS TALK.
Ascum—Your daughter’s young
man interviewed you last night, didn’t
he?
Grouch—Yes, and such a stupid fel
low. He hasn’t sense at all.
Ascum—Ah, then you won’t have
him as a son-in-law?
Grouch—l? What have Ito do with
it? The idea of his coming to ask me
when the girl and her mother are sat
isfied. If he had any sense he’d know.
that settled it.—Philadelphia Press.
APPEARANCE AGAINST HIM.
“Is your husband absent-minded?”
“Well,” replied the professor’s wife,
“he claims he isn’t, but after honing
his razor yesterday morning he shut
it up and put it in this pocket, and
when I asked him at breakfast why 'he
hadn’t shaved he advanced the theory
that I found fault with his appearance
because the glamour of our romance
had begun to wear off.”—Chicago Rec:
ord-Herald.
Corean Patriotism,
The Coreans have been called an un
patriotic people. This may be true i
patriotism means a passiohate desir:
for the welfare of one’s country; bu o
if a consuming desire for the pre
servation of national identity is pa
triotism, then the Coreans are indeed
patriotic. The one thing they fear is
national extinction, whether such ex
tinction would mean better govern
ment or not. They would rather live
without equitable government, with- |
out sanitation, without education, i
without any of tHe concomitants of |
civilization, if with these they must |
also accept foreign domination.— |
From Homer B. Hulbert’s “Corea, the ’
Bone of Contention,” in the Century. ,
The Rothschilds. |
The Rothschilds, like a majority of
the Semitic race, are dark of complex
ion and hair. One exception is Mr.
Alfred, a member of the London fam
ily, who is blond. He is noted for his
liberality and for the elegance of the
entertainments he gives. He is a |
thoroughgoing business man, but has
his eccentricities, one of which is to !
bave a dinner ready daily at both his
city and country homes, so that at
whichever he may chance to land he
need not be compelled to wait for re
freshments. ,
In a church in London, chiefly at
tended by seamen, is a pupit in exact
imitation of a ship’s prow. The de
sign follows the line of the ships of
the ancient Vikings.
When a Londoner describes himsalf
as a "housebreaker” he means that his
business is to demolish buildings.
Cotton Gi
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