Newspaper Page Text
m V I ■ ♦
J. C. HEARTSELL, Ed. and Pub.
VOL XII.
THE UTOPIAN PARKER,
Gvme here, my dear, I want ter say a word
or two ter yoa <
•Bout what I think’s the proper thing for me
V you ter do.
Ye’ve gave me mighty good advice sence we
was wed that day
Way back in sixty-one,’n’ now Vi like to
have ye say
Ef you don’t think I’ve got a right ter do as
others does,
’N* sell the crops before they grows, jest like
them Easterners.
Why, Meg, a man out in Noo York hez sold
a lot o’ corn
Thet’s several thousand bushels more then
what the country’s borne—
’N 1 got his money too, I’m told, ’u’ didn’t
have a peck
Of grain o. any kind in hand to back his lit-
t.e spec.
He cleared a hundrid thousand cash I ’N"
Meg, that’s more’n we
Have cleared at farmin’ alt our days, or ever
will, by gee!
’IP I can’t say I sees the use o’ workin’ day
by day
’N’ only seltin’ what we raise for mighty lit¬
tle pay,
When them as hasn't any grain can sell up
there in towu
A million pecks of wheat ’n’ corn, V git
their money down.
The modern plan’s a dandy, Meg, ’n’ e£ wa
makes it go.
I’ll get you that planner, ’n’ the trottin’-
horse for Joe.
We’ll raise the mortgage off the roof, n”
paint the old barn red,
*N* send the gals to Paris, France, and buy a
rosewood bed.
We’ll get new carpets for the floors, ’a’ keep
a hired man,
Ef only I can go to towu V learn to work
the plan.
’N 1 mebbe, Meg, I’d make enough ter run
for Governor,
Or get sent down to Wash in’ton a full-
fledged Senator.
I tell yer, gal, this is an age thet beats crea-
tion. Say,
What would yer father’ve said, d’ye think,
if he wuz here to-day,
Ter see folks sellin’ wheat and corn, and hull
cars full o’ rye.
’N 1 leven-twelfths of all they sold nowhere
but in their eye?
How he wouid yell ter think of us a-makln
of a pot
O’ gold at sellin’ fellers things we haven’t
really got I
What’s that ye say? It isn’t straight to sell
what ye don’t own?
•N’ if I goes into the spec, I goes it all alone?
The music on thq^pianny ye think would
drive yer mad.
If it was bought from sailin’ things ye never
rightly had?
Wall, have yer way; Til let it go; I didn’t
mean no harm;
But what is straight in cities can’t bo crooked
on a farm.
■“John K. Bangs, in Harper’s Magazine.
ALICE GUM BLE TOYS CAT.
BY W. HENDEKSON.
r UCH like Brer Rab-
,
! I bit was the village
-jii i of Guinbletown in
I | that it lay low.
!!' But nevertheless it
jj) possession boasted the of proud
iy (t q a ho¬
tel, ‘even churches,a
; : t I | wholesale small store and
| a steam fire
I engine of brilliant
X appearance and un-
tried ability.
7 Stay, there was
also a high school,
the Guinbletown
Free Academy as it was called, at which
the youth ot both sexes applied their
ruby lips to the Pierian Spring with edi¬
fying results. The school prospered
with a large and unctuous prosperity,
and the number ot its scholars increased
and multiplied until it became necessary
to engage an additional professor. He
came from—no matter where—it was
over the hills and far away. And he
looked it.
He was a wonderfully handsome man,
and his name was Bartholomew Spunk.
He was a chemist by profession, and he
had become so fond of communing
with nature in her secret moods that it
was well nigh impossible to induce him
to communicate with anybody eise; es¬
pecially if anything else had long hair
aid wore skirts. Proiessor Spunk had
no fear of unmentienable chloride nor of
indescribable oxides, but he was afraid
of woman, lovely woman. She was not
afraid of him, however; but, so far as
she was of Guinbletown extraction, s.ie
spent much of her time iu endeavoring
to get a good look at the Professor’s
eyes, which were said to be very beauti¬
ful.
Bartholomew Spunk took up his abode
in a moss-covered boarding-house, where
the fried steaks and the coffee grounds
sang together as morning stars, and the
cold boiled ham came out on the eastern
horizon as the sun slipped down the
west. The Professor came and went in
silence, and he lived his daily life in his
' own solitary fashion. Every evening he
went out in the garden beside the house
and snip! ad his big briarwood pipe, a
relic pf and .Allege days. The garden side of was
prett, j just on the other the
fence was another still prettier. The
- Professor frequently peered through the
fence at this garden and wondered who
kept it in such exquisite order. If he
' \
SPRING PLACE. MURRAY COUNTY, GA. MARCH IT, 1892.
had known that every time he peeped
through that fence he was watched
closely and by a young woman, he
would have sunk through the earth, if
he could.
In the next house lived the remnants
of one of tho primeval families of Gtim-
bletown. Even that isolated village had
old lamilies and blue blood, and when
old Jonathan Gumbleton,after whom the
town was named, had died forty years
before, he left two young sons, who
hastened to marry and extend the
family.
The widow of one of these sons lived
in the house to> which belonged the pret-
tv garden. She had a daughter, and
that (laughter’s name was Alice Alary
Gumbleton. Blue blood frequently de¬
clines to associate with beauty, but in
this case it did not. Alice Mary Gupi-
bleton was as beautiful a creature as one,
or even two, could wish to see. Her
hair was as black as the shades of night;
her large eyes were a deep, soft brown,
her complexion was like the bloom on a
lily ; and her mouth—well, there is no
way to describe her mouth except by
saying it was one of the most enticing
features on earth. Aliss Alice Mary
Gumbleton resembled Professor Barthol¬
omew Spunk in one thing—she was
bashful. Not all the awkwardly ex¬
pressed admiration which the swains of
Guinbletown had laid so generously at
her feet had ever beeu sufficient to in¬
spire her with the smallest portion of
that self-confidence which usually ani¬
mates a belle. She was hopelessly shy,
aud her conversation was terribly mono¬
syllabic—except to her cat.
Alice Mary Gumbleton had a Maltese
eat upon which she lavished the treasures
of her heart and her intellect. Every
one who ever saw that cat said it was
the wisest looking animal in the world.
And it ought to have been wise; for
Alice Mary talked to it by the hour and
gave it the choice results of her long pe¬
riods ot silence aud meditation. The
name of the eat was Jaue. And the cat
was as beautiful as its name. Yet in
spite of Alice's devotion to this animal
she was obliged one day to speak to the
Professor, or I should say that it was
because of her devotion.
A few doors away from the home of
the fair Alice dwelt a hideous youth
whose favorite companion was a large
bull-dog. This bull-dog was like unto
the rest of his kind. He loved not man
nor beast. His soul was filled with per¬
petual gloom, and he went about the
world with a depressed —I might say
liatig-dog—look which boded no one
good. One day Alice was aroused from
a deep meditation by a series of heart¬
rending shrieks followed by a dire dis¬
cord of hissing and spitting, which she
at once recognized as being the product
of the euergies of Jane. Rushing to the
window she beheld the dear cat mount¬
ing the fence with less dignity than
haste. At the foot of the fence stood
the obnoxious bull-dog, looking very
angry.
"Oh, my beautiful Jane!” screamed
Miss Alice. She rushed from the house
with a broom in her hand prepared to
meet death in the defense of her pet. But
when the dog wheeled round and pre¬
pared to resist her onslaught, she paused
aDd changed her tactics.
"Go away, you nasty beast!” she said.
But the dog failed to catch the idea, and
remained where he was, still keeping a
watchful eye on the cat.
"Oh, dear!” said Alice, “what shall
I do!”
At that moment the Professor entered
his garden by the front gate, having just
returned flora school. His eyes fell
upon Alice, who was a lovely picture of
despair, as she stood gazing atthe fero¬
cious dog and the unhappy cat. The
Professor was speechless with admira¬
tion. He stared at Alice as he had never
look at a woman before. Then his scat-
tered senses began to return to him, and
lie felt the blood mounting to his fore-
i head, while his heart was going like a
steam fire engine. He gazed about him
and finally perceived the cat, but not the
dog.
“Can I—shall I—that is—I beg par¬
don—but—but—do you want the cat?"
he stammered.
“Yes, sir; if you—if you—p--please,
sir,” was the reply.
The Professor advanced slowly and
hesitatingly toward tne fence. Sud¬
denly he heard a low growl. He paused
and looked around; but, seeing nothing,
again advanced.
“On!” exclaimed Alice; “take care—
there’s a h-h-hole iu the fence; he can
get through.”
The Professor stooped and peered be¬
tween tlie pickets. Then he saw the
hull-dog. The next moment the Pro-,
lessor had vanished into the house.
“Ah-h!” screamed Alice; “please to
come back and save Jane.”
She had miscaculated the Professor’s
gallantry. In anotner moment he re¬
appeared, bearing in his hand a huge
navy revolver.
“Please go into—the house,” he said;
“I might hit you.”
But Alice remained transfixed with
breathless anticipation. The Professor
advanced cautiously toward the fence.
When he had reached a position from
which he could see the dog, he pointed
the pistol carefully, turned away his
head, shut his eyes and pulled the
trigger. There was a tremendous report;
splinters flew in every direction and a
cloud of smoke obscured the Professor's
view. The astonished dog laid back his
ears and fled down the street as if he
thought the end of the world had come.
No sooner had he gone than Alice rushed
forward, seized the unhappy ^at,
“TELL THE TRUTH.”
and, pressing the animal convulsively house. to
her bosom, rushed into the
When the Prolessor got the smoke out
of his eyes, and found that girl, cat aud
dog had all disappeared, he marveled
greatly at the extent of his own prowess;
and had he not caught a glimpse of
Alice through the wiudow, would cer¬
tainly have gone and surrendered him¬
self to the town constable The next day
the Professor rose early and robbed his
landlady. He stole a saucer of milk and
went out to look for—for the gray cat,
of course, lie found Juue basking in
the sunlight. As a basker in the sun
light there was no cat that could sur¬
pass Jane. The Professor stole through
the opeuing in the fence and set the
saucer of milk under Jane's whiskers.
At that instant a window dew opeu, a
fair head popped out, aud a timid voice
said;
“Thank you.”
Then the window shut with a bang,
the Professor jumped clear over the fence
and disappeared. When he returned
from school that afternoon he found £
note on bis table. It said!
for X milk. meant thank you tor saving Jans, not j
That was all. Day after day the Pro-
fessor fished vainly for au opportunity to
see that girl again; but he could not. He
had vague suspicions that she watched 1
him from behind half-closed blinds and
half drawn window curtains; but ho
could not verify bis suspicions. They
were true enough. Poor Alice! She was
in a miserable state of mind on account
of her own dreadful forwardness in send¬
ing that note. But the damage was done
now.
The Professor sought consolation in
the society of Jane. With stolen saucers
of milk he enticed tho eat through the
fence, and finally up to his room. There
ho used to pick the purring animal up,
walk about the room with her iu his
arms, aud mumble ridiculous nonsense in
her dun-colored ear.
“Bhe’s the mos’ booful«*st lady in
world, Kitty. Yes, s’e is. Don’ yo«
wag you’ ear an’ say s’e’s not. An’ ole
p’ofessor, he jus’ lulls her—ura-m-m so
much. But you mus’n’t tell, Kitty.”
And Jane didn’t. She never said a
word about it. It’s strange, too; because
when she went home, her mistress used
to seize tier aud embrace her, aud say:
“Oh, Jane, darling, you’ve been to
see him 1 And I’m sure he must have
kissed you, because you're so lovely. I
wonder where. Oh, it must have been
right there on your beautiful forehead!
There, there, there 1”
It was strange that Jane held her
peace after that; but she was a wise cat,
and knew that time works wonders.
Periiaps if Jane had known what won¬
ders time had in store for her—but no
matter. One day Jane went to the Pro¬
fessor’s room when ho was out. Jane
waited sometime, and then, becoming
restless, s ie began to wander about the
room. Over in a corner she saw a lot of
bottles. She decided to examine them.
She did so. One of them fell over
against another. There was a flash, a
report, a yell of anguish; aud Jane rushed
from the house a sad anl grewsome
sight. Hairless, black, and feeble, tte
once glorious Jane went home and lay
down at her mistress’s feet. A quarter
of an hour later, Professor Bartholomew
Spunk, entering the gate of hi3 plain and
substantial bording-uouse, was con¬
fronted by the figure of a weeping
madden.
“It’s all your fault!” exclaimed Alice.
“If you had let my darling Jane alone,
and hadn’t coaxed ner into your house,
it would have been all right. Now-
now—she’s gone—and gone—and got
herself—all—all—blown up—and she’ll
die—and, oh, and oh—oh—I h-h-hat«
you!”
Bartholomew Spunk turned deadly
pale.
“AlasI”he said; “and is Jane blown
up? But—buit—what can I say? Per¬
haps—that is—Miss Alice—may be—
well—will vou take—me instead of the
cat?”
She looked up into his eyes. Then
she decided that a gray cat was not the
help that was meet for her.—Puck.
Is Snow a Fertilizer?
The query is snow a fertilizer? is often
asked. Tr,ere cannot be a better reply,
perhaps, than this one by the Country
Gentleman: It was common many
years ago to give much credit to snow
as the ‘‘farmer’s fertilizer,” but later in¬
vestigation proves it as of very slight
value at best. The amount of nitrogen
which is*absorbed and brought down in
rain and snow in one whole year is only
about one-sixth part of the amount re¬
quired for the growth of crops, and it
is therefore quite insufficient to feed a
growing crop, even if it remained long
enough iu the soil to prove in any degree
effective. But the snow ycafty can secure only
a small portion of the supply, and
therefore it is safe to make no account
of the snow as a manure.
To go a little more into detail, the
results of careful examinations by emi¬
nent scientific men show that the total
amount of ammonia brought down in a
whole year in the rain, dew and snow is
about eight pounds to an acre of surface,
varying somewhat with seasons and lo¬
calities; while in a crop of twenty-eight
bushels of wheat there were forty-five
pounds of nitrogen; in two and one-half
tons of meadow hay there were fifty-six
pounds, and in two and one-half pounds.—New tons of
clover hay there were 108
York World.
Two centuries and seven different men
claim the invention of gunpowder.
THE LOSE STAR REPUBLIC.
CUSTOMS OF THE PROUD AND PAS¬
SIONATE CHILEANS.
The Women Are Beautiful and the l
Men Quarrelsome—Scenes in the
Two Leading Cities.
T~TS native term is Chile. It is along
I trip of arable land stretching from
L the width Andes varies to tho from Pacific forty miles Ocean. 200. Its
6 to
Its length of coast line from the Rio
Zarna to Cape Hoen is 2800 miles. The
climate is delightful, save for an occa¬
sional earthquake, which is usually
followed by copious rains. Tho people
are descendants of Spaniards and speak
the Spanish dialect tongue. Santiago is
the capital city but divides honors with
Valparaiso TheCuiitanos
• fond are proud and passion-
ate, of picking quarrels with their
neighbors, with an overplus of lighting
propensities and ready at any moment to
try their steel with an adversary. Like
all Spaniards, they are haughty and aris-
tocratiCj pre fe r in g the spoilage of war to
the advocations of peace. For this rea-
8011 they submit amicably to the invasion
of English residents, who introduce all
the elements ot modern civilization into
a country which, but for that, would
still be a semi-barbaric state of opulent
It is unfortunate that Chile should
have early contractcda prejudice against
the Uuited States—unfortunate for her¬
self, as siie suffered more from her re¬
fusal to trade with us, than we do from
the loss of her corameree, which she di¬
verts by every meins in her power to
foreign nations across the Atlantic.
By a law of 1887 tlie strength of the
Chilean standing army was limited to
5335 men. Besides tho regular army
there is a National Guard composed of
citizens. Tnese number 43;530 men.
The ranks of both tho National Guard
aud the regular army are speedily re¬
cruited, in time of war, by enforced or
voluntary enlistments.
Santiago, the capital of Chile, is sit¬
uated on the River Mapocho, in tho cen¬
tre of a large plain, surrounded by hills
anil commanding a view of the magnifi¬
cent peaks of the Andes in the distance,
including the high mountain of Acon¬
cagua, which is visibio its entire dis¬
tance. Like Valparaiso, with which it
is connected by a five-hour railroa d ride,
it is a city of luxury and elegance, with
picturesque surroun lings. The climate
being mild, like that of Washington, D.
C., tile people do without fires and sit
and shiver in luxury, having an idea that
fire and warmth will produce sickness.
The English and American residents pro¬
vide themselves with comfortable fires,
but the Chillano alfects to despise arti¬
ficial heat, although he wraps himself in
warm clothes and rugs, and tries to keep
warm in that way. Foot-warmers arc
used and carried about from room to
room. They are embroidered wooden
cases made by the nuns, into which the
ladies slip their feet. Tho dampness
which results from this lack of tire is
most unhealthy, and provocative of
pneumonia and rheumatism.
There are due shops in the arcades
lighted by electricity, and filled with
modern goods of every description.
There is a novel method of shopping em¬
ployed. The stores open at ten iu the
morning, and close at five in the after¬
noon for an. hour or more. Then they
open again and do not close until mid¬
night. The ladies go out at these late
hours, as all the shopping is done in the
evening, when the electric light adds to
the splendor of laces and jewels. Tne
Dons, it is said, go to the shops to stare
at the pretty ladies who take it as a
compliment. There is nothing serious
about the shopping, as it is one of the
amusements of tho city, and the shops
are a proper and favorite rendezvous lor
ladies and gay cavaliers, the tSenoras and
Dons of Chile. Tho ladies make splen¬
did toilets for shopping aud for the
theater, but for church they wear black
always. In the morning at mass they
wear the manta over the head, but on
the fashionable promenade in the after¬
noon it is discarded.
The Chilean devotee carries her prayer-
rug with her to church and kneels ou it,
a comfortable and luxurious penitent. As
there are no pews and the stone floors
of the churches are both cold aud damp,
her cautiou is necessary.
Everything to be found in Paris or
New York can be obtained in Santiago.
There are fine carriages and fashionable
drives. There is an abundance of money
among the aristocratic residents of the
city and they spend it with luxurious
abandon.
The popular drive of the city is the
Alameda, which has a fashionable pro m-
snade between rows of poplar trees; a
drivesvay on either side one hundred feet
inside, and which extends the entire
length of the city, four or five miles.
Here are statues to the brave men of
Chile, in either bronze or marble, and
military bands assist in making the scene
lively during the afternoon and evening.
The ladies of Cuile are beautiful and
know how t© make the most of their
charms by dressing in luxurious style;
they are also noted for ttt- r brilliant
conversational and entertain ing powers,
and their ability to carry on one of the
endless intrigues for which the country
is famous, and which, complicated as it
may be, seldom suffers from, an expose
or comes to harm.
The present class of Chileans have
jjtheir im Valparaiso, own special where form they of amusement, to Cousino as
go
$1.00 a Year in Advance.
Park, drink chicha and dance the c aaca,
the Chilean National dance.
All kinds of lruits grow in Chile and
there are large vineyards in the country
■for the production of native wines. The
Chilean sausage is said to be as good as
the famous ones of Bologna.
The Chilean flag has one lone star on a
ground of blue, which is contained in
the inner square of the upper half of tuc
pennant.
There is a National hymn, ten verses
long, which is sung on all public occa¬
sions. The Lone Star Republic never
allows its greatness to grow dim in tuc
hearts of its subjects. It is treason
when a Chilean fails to manifest hi-,
lu , ^ , b , ? evur * 0 uUarJ “*?•
rilere 18 a P unl,c , 1, » rar J’>« Santiago „ .
wh , ! ch c ° nta,ns uearly , 1( H 00U «•»»"»*
a “ a lar ”° number of manuscript-.
1 hero is also a university and colic eo
sc "> a conservatory and botaufoa
S arden ’ l l T e ; ,re “ uu,lber 0 ,‘
! M, P ers P ubl, , f hed IU tbe c “y au 1 P ub ‘. ,c
'biprovemeuts are advancing with , mpw
8 “>X Tl “ 8 “ due ‘° tho entcr i >,ise
American and English residents, , enricued
by Ciiiieau ventures. The Ckiilano is
not a money-making animal. He would
rather fight than eat. If he is not a
soldier, then he prefers to be a farmer
and expend his untamed energies in out-
of-door labor.
A Cuillano is slender with a tapering
waist and sinews ot steel. He is full o!
endurance and he carries himself like a
conqueror, even though ho has never
crossed swords with au adversary. B it
his people are of mixed blood and are
beginning to lose some of their natural
traits aud must hereafter exist on tradi¬
tions.
The President of Ohili receives $13.-
000 a year for his services, aud is elected
to office for a term of five years. He
has a Congress aud a Cabinet o!
Ministers, a Senate and a Chamber ot
Deputies. Tnere is a complicated sys¬
tem of political power which is at once
complete and powerful. This is not sur¬
prising when it is taken into considera¬
tion that tile native census only su ns up
a totality of 3, Lit,000 inhaOitants.—
Detroit Free Press.
WISE BOGUS.
noney bees never sting one another.
The rigat kiud of love never brags on
its work.
The right kind of faith never takes no
for an answer.
Keep your pathway to the throne well
paved with promises.
A man with a pure heart ought to be i
man with a clean mouth.
People with empty heads most gener¬
ally have tongues that rattle.
It is better to suffer wrong from every
man than to do wrong to a single one.
You will loso to-day if you try to
make it a burden-bearer for to-morrow.
To dare is great, but to go to work
and do your duty as you ought to is
greater.
We are never saved by knowing oui
strengtn, and never lost by finding out
our Ram’s weakness.—Indianapolis (Ind.j
Horn.
Growing Peanuts.
Peanuts grow best on rather light,
sandy loams, especially when they con¬
tain a good percentage of lime. The
presence of this last sub3tauce seems to
be essential to the full development of
the peanut, aud wneu not naturally
present iu the soil must be supplied.
This may be done by broadcast applica¬
tions of lime—ten to tvventy busnels of
slac.ced lime to the acre—or by composts
into which land plaster enters, or acid
phospates, as tnese last contain a large
percentage of lime. Ashe3 also con¬
stitute a good fertilizer for peanuts, as
these contain a good deal of lime, also
potash. The yield is very variable.
We have no data before us to say what
the average is, probably not exceeding
thirty bushels per acre. Land is pre¬
pared as for other crops and thrown into
low, flat beds, three to four feet wide,
I according to variety grown. Wuat is
termed the Spanish peanut does not grow
as large as some others and may be
planted on three foot beds, hills two feet
apart. The crop is planted about the
same time that corn is, usually in March.
The whole nut may be planted, but
plants do not come up as quickly as
when they are shelled. When planting
is delayed from any cause, it is better to
plant tho shelled peas, two seeds in each
hill. When the plants appear they are
plowed aud hoed at first like any other
crop. As branches form an . spread out
dirt should be sifted under their ends
with » plow every week or two, but
the branches should not be disturbed by
the plow'. The peanut blossoms above
ground, but when the bloom drops the
embryo nut decends into the ground by
a lengthening of its stem. If it does not
get into the soil it aborts and comes to
notning. It is important, therefore, to
have fresh loose earth in which the nut3
may bury themselves, also that the vines
be not moved, because when disturbed
the nuts will be pulled out of the ground.
Some persons place dirt on the vines to
press them into the ground and cover
the nuts. This is not necessary if dirt is
properly sifted under the ends of the
advancing limbs, and is objectionable
because it smothers more or less of the
leaves.—Southern Farmer.
Judge Story was at Harvard College at
fifteen, in Congress at twenty-nine and
Judge of the Supreme Court of the
United States at thirty-two.
NO. 2.
THE CHICKADEE*I
Care keeps its bold with constant clasp,'
Whatever may betide usq
Brief waits the shrinking heart to grasp.
Pacing, hail veiled, beside us,'
But oh, the sky is blue,
And oh, the sun is bright!
And the chickadee in the dark pinotTSB
Carols his meek delight
The earth in silent snows is bound;'
Wantgrinds and pain oppresses;
Life’s awful problems who shall sound? .
Its riddles sad who guesses?
But oh, the sky is blue,
Aud oh, the sun is bright! tree*
And the chickadee in the tall pine
Sings in the cold’s despite.
Grive me of thy wise hope, dear bird,
Who brav’st the bitter weatherl
Share the glad message thou hast heard.
And let us sing together.
Tho winter winds blow wild,
No storm can thee affright.
Thy trust teach me, oh chickadee.
Sweet chanting from thy bight.
—Celia Tkaxter, in the Independent,
HUMOR OP THE DAY.
A grip-sack—The doctor’s saddle
bags.
Lightning talkers — Fire insurance
agents.
Most people laugh not when they want 1
to, but when they think people imagine
they ousjjht to.—Atchison Globe.
DeSmithers—“Do you object to col¬
ored waiters atthe club?” Bjones—“I
object to green ones.—The Club.
The man who laughs in his sleeve
should he relegated to the society ot him
who talks through his hat.—Pack.
A man’s goodness to his wife depends
entirely on ncr ability to make him en¬
joy being good to her.—Atchison Globe.
It is always proper to call upou the
superintendent of the streets to “mend
his ways.”—Boston Commercial Bulle¬
tin.
No one can ever tell what a woman
will do next. If any one did tell she
would be sure to do something eise.—■
Somerville Journal.
The flush upon the cheek of the society
girl is not hectic; it is permanent until
it is scraped off with the butcher knife.
—Galveston News.
It’s rumored as a strong proof of na-,
ture’s disposition to assert itself that few
girls learning the violin care to use the
chin rest.—Philadelphia Times.
Patient—“Doctor, I fancy, somehow,
I’ve got a touch of the gout.” Doctor—
“Fancy, my dear sir I If you had, you
wouldn’t fancy—you’d know.”—Comic.
Ethel—“Mr. Hobson and Mr. Hub-
bell will call this evening, Grace, you
know. What shall we do to entertain'
them?” Grace—“Let’s propose.”—Bos¬
ton Post.
The barber is a sort of bellicose indi¬
vidual. He has his little brushes right
along, he lathers people, and he oc¬
casionally smashes their mugs.—Bing¬
hamton Leader.
Miss Ongwee—-‘I think your charms
are simply horrid!” Jeweler—“Yours,
miss, are irresistible.” Miss Ong>vee—
“I’ll take half a dozen, please. ”—Jewel¬
er’s Gazette.
“Carberis stili in trouble. His lawyer
now makes serious charges a nunst him.’*
“I thought he won his case?” “So he
did,and that’s what his lawyer is cuarg-
ing him for.”—Lowell Citizen.
Charlie (who has been blowing the
cornet for an hour) —“Ned,do me?” you think
there is any music in Ned—“I
don't know. There ought to be. I
didn’t hear any come out.”—Loads*
Tid-Bits.
He—“I am rather in favor of the
English mode of spelling.” She—
“Ye-es?” He—"Yes, indeed. Take
‘parlor’ for instance. Having world. u in it 1 ’
makes all the difference in tne
Indianapolis J ournal.
Brown—“Yes, he was a brave man—
one who could meet deatn without
blanching.” Fogg— 4 4 I see. The gen¬
tleman was in the undertaking profes¬
sion, I presume; or was he ouly a dila¬
tor?”—Boston Transcript.
Seeker—“You have been farming
many years in this section aud know the
peculiarity of the soil pretty well; what
do you consider the hardest thing to raise
on your farm?” Meeker—"Tne money
to run it.”—Boston Courier.
“Ah," said Chappie jokingly to Miss
Keene, “this is leapyaer.donteherknow;
do you intend to avail yourself of its priv¬
ileges?” “I really cannot tell what I
might do,” she said with a smile, “if a
man should come along.”—New York
Press.
Binks—“I don’t like to comnlain
about trifles, Mrs. Jingle, but my hash ■
appears to consist largely of fragments of
deil board.” Mrs. Jingle (the landlady)
—"Well, what kind of board do you
expect lor five dollars a week—polished
mauogany ?”—W asp.
She—"Did you succeed in mastering*
French while in France?” He—‘‘Nearly.
I did not succeed in making the French¬
men comprehend me, nor could I make
out what they were driving at; but I got
so I could understand myself when I
talked.”—Funny Folks.
Lady (engaging cook)—“Why did you
leave your last place?” Cook—“I
couldn’t stand the dreadful way the
master and missus used to quarrel,mum.”
Lady—“What used they to quarrel
about?” Cook—“The way the dinner
cooked',' mum.”—London Spinas*,’