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GALLAHER S INDEPENDENT,
FUBUHHKD EVERY SATURDAY AT
HUITMAN, GA.,
BY
J. C. GALLAHER.
TERMS OP SUBSCRIPTION l
TWO DOLLARS per A *•< in Ativtwce.
THE POET IS THE SPIRIT USD.
SI BIX!AS A. I*o K.
9
Flint a harp of thrilling number*
Kwu>od uitt gently from my Hhunbura,
▲ml it* tue
o*r my waking spirit atealing,
KimlU-U up a spirit feeling,
lu ita mu*ie sweet revealing
Heaven's own.
Then a being pure aud holy,
Turo’a deor ret arm ug slowly,
Half disci* wed
Twmy soul’s eursntuml vision,
Those eternal lieltla Klyuian.
Wuere the blest in full fruition,
There repost and.
Then a being, fairer, brighter,
Home thing smaller, something lighter,
And with raiment purer, whiter,
Came in view—
Then her tmcc was half averted,
Casing back from where she started—
*XWM my lost, my loviug hearted,
Well 1 knew!
For a moment then she lingers,
And the beautiful white- liugurs,
Of Lean*>re,
across Hie harp so shining,
Wkicu Uie augtl left reclining
THnast the door.
Tlmil as if some word receiving,
Half in donbt, yet half believing,
Cased around—
And at once she saw aml knew mo,
Aud at oueeshe came unto mu
Withs bound.
Oh the rapture of that meeting,
UI that blessed spirit gn-etiug,
>’t* cr n* inoruis known !
They can never, till they pass the dark—dark
river.
Which divides the world forever
From our own.
Comprehend how hearts once blighted.
In a world by sin benighted,
Are forever reunited
On the ahoro.
that rivfer brightly flowing.
Where the tree or life is growing,
Evermore!
BILL AND THE WIDOW.!
BI J. A. SMITH, AMAS CAM. TOTHESBX.
•■Wife," said Ed. Wilbur one morning
As lie Hat stirring his coffee with one hand
and holding a plumb cuke on Ilia kneel
with the other, and looked across the tie '
ble iut.i the bright eywi of liis Meat little
wlfcb it be a Rood joke to Ret
baebplor Bill Smiley to take Widow Wat
son to Barnaul's allow next week?"
••Ton can’t do it Ed.; he won't ask her;
he's o awful shy. Why. he mine here the
other morning, when l was hanging out
ome clothes, and he looked over the fene**
nud spoke; hut when I shook out a night
gown he blushed like a girl and went
nwny.”
[ think I can manage it," said Ed,;
'•lint I’ll have, to lie just a little. lint then
jt wouldn't he much linens under the cir-
Cdmshinees, for I know she likes him, and
i know he don't di.~-l.iie her; hut as yon
mhv. lie's so shy. J’ l just go over to his
jdnee to borrow some hags of him, and it
1 dont lift* him lief ore I rome hark, don'l
kiss me for a week, Nelly.”
*lo saving, Ed. started, and while he is
tiuiwing tiie fields, we will lake a look al
Bill Smiley. He was rather a good-look
ing fellow, though his hair and whiskers
sNow-d some grsv hairs, anil he hail got n
set of artificial teeth. But every one said
he was a good soil!, and so he w as. He
hod as good a lmudr il acre farm as any in
Norwich, with a new li-mse and everything
eonifortahle. and if In- wanted a wife, many
a girl would have jumped at the dilutee
tike ft rooster nfter a grasshopper. But
Hill was so bashful—always wan—anil when
tinsan Berrybottle, that he was sweet on
(though he never said “Ikki" to her) got
Inarried to ohl tvl’.tson, he just drawell in
hia head like a mud-turtle into Ilia shell,
And there was no getting him out again,
though it had been noticed that since Ba
sal, |,u,l become a widow be hail paid more
Attention to Ids dollies, and bad been very
regular in his attends, cij at the church
Where the fair widow attended.
••But here comes Ed. Wilbur. ”
'•Ooml morning, Mr. Smiley.”
•Hood morning, Mr. Wilbur. What's
the news yotir way?”
■•Oil nothing particular, thnt I know of,”
he said, “only Barnum’s show thnt every
body is talking about, and everybody and
hi* girl is going, too. I was ovei to Suckri
der's last night, and I see his sou Ons has
got anew bnggv and was scrubbing up his
harness, and lie’s got that white-faced colt
of his as slick as a seal. I understand he
thinks of taking Widow Watson to the
show. He’s been hanging around there a
good deal of late, but I’d just like to cut
him out, I would. Bnsau is a nice little
woman, and deserves a better man than
that young pnp of a fellow, though I
wouldn’t blame her much either if she
takes him, for she must be dreadful lone
some, and then she had to let her farm out
on shares, and it isn’t half worked, and no
one else has spunk enough to speak up to
her. By Jingo! If I was a single man I’d
show him a trick or two."
So saying Ed. borrowed some bags and
started around the corner of the barn,
where be had left Bill sweeping, and put
his ear to a knot-wboleand listened, know
ing, that the bachelor had a liahit of talk
ing to himself when anything worried
him.
“Confound that yonng Bagrider!” said
Bill, “what business has he there, I'd like
to know. Got anew buggy, has he?
Well, so have I, and new harness, too!
fed his horse can’t come in sight of mine,
and I declare I’ve half mind tor-yes, I
will! I'll go this very night and ask her to
go to the show with me. I’ll show Ed.
Wilbur that I ain’t snch a calf as he thinks
I am, if I did let old Wits m get the start
of me in the first place!”
Erl. could scarcely 1 elp laughing out
right, but he hastily hitched the bags on
his shoulder, and with a low chuckle at his
success, started home to tell the news lo
VOL. IT.
Nelly; aud slsmt five o’clock that evening
they saw Bill go by with his horse and
buggy on bis way to the widow’s. He jog
ged along quietly, thinking <4 llieold sing
ing-school days—and what a pretty girl
Susan was then—and wondering inwnrdly
if ho wo ild have more courage now to talk
up to her, until at the distance of about a
mile from her house lie came to a bridge—
over a Urge creek—and it so happened
that just ns he reached the middle of the
bridge he gave a tremendous sneeze, and
blew his teeth clear out of his mouth, and
striking on the planks they rolled over the
bridge and dropped iuto four feet of
water.
"Yes, there they wore," at the bottom,
1 with a crowd of little fishes rubbing their
) noses against them, aud Bill wished to
! goodness that his noso was as done for one
second. His beautiful teeth that hud cost
him so much, aud the show coming on and
! no time to get auother set—and the widow
1 and young Sackrider. Well, he must try
i and get them somehow—nud no time to
lose, for someone might come along and
i ask him what he was fooling annual there
for. He had no notion of spoiling his
I good clothes by wading in with them on,
and besides, if he did that he could not go
to the willow's that night, so he took a
look up and down the road to see that no
one was iu sight, and then quickly un
dressed himself, laving liin clothes in the
buggy to keep them clean. Then ho ran
around the hank and waded into the al
most icy water, but his teeth did not cliat
ter iu hia head, he only wished they could.
Quietly lie waded so as not to stir up the
1 mud and when he got to the right, spot, he
1 dropped down under the water and came 1
up with the teeth in his hand and replaced
them in his month. But hark! What
noise is that? A wagon! and a little dog
i harking with all his might, and his horse
jis starting. "Whoa! Whoa!’, said Bill, as
lie splashed an floundered out through
mud and water, “confound the horse.
Whoa! Whoa! Slop, yon brute yon, stop!”
i Itnt stop lie would not, hut went off at a
spanking pace with the unfortunate bach
elor a Tier him and the little dog yelping i
a'ter tlio Imehelnr. Bill was certainly in
capital running costume, but though lie
strained cw-ry nerve he could not touch the*
buggy or reach Mu lines that were drag
ging on tin* ground. After a while lit*
] plug hut shook off the sent and the bind
wheel went, over it, making it as flat as a
pancake. Bill snatched it ns lie ran, and
after j miming his lias into it stuck it, alt
1 dn*fv and shapeless, on his head. Am!
; now In* saw tin* widow's house oil tin* hill,
and what, oh w hat would he do! Then
i his coat fell out mid he slipped it on, and
■ then making a desperate spurt lie clutched
the hack of the scat niid scrambled in, and
pulling tin* buffalo robe i v r Ids legs,
,t i.T'd tin* other things beneath. Now
1 (he horse happened to l>e one lu* got from
j Sjfiinc Moore, and he got it from ♦!.-
widow, and lie took i< into his head to stop
at her gate, which Bill had no power to
prevent, s lie had not possession of the
reins, la-sides lie was too busy buttoning
his eoat up to his chili to think of doing
mueh else. The widow heard the rattle
,f the wi.e. Is and looked out, ami seeing
that it was Mr. Smiley, and he did not o'-
fer to get out, she went to the gate to see
what he wanted, and there she stood chat
ting w ith her white arms on the top of the
gate, and her smiling face turned right to
ward him, while the cool chills run down
his shirtless buck, clear to Ins hare feet
beneath the Buffalo robe, anil the water
from his hair and the dust from liis hat
ha 1 combined to make some nice little
streams of mud that came trickling down
his face. She asked him to come in. No;
he was in a hurry, he said. Btill lie did
not offer to go. He did not like
to ask her to pick up his reins for
him, because lie did not know what
excuse to make for not doing it him
self. Then he looked down the road be
hind him and saw a white-faced horse
coming, and at once surmising that it was
that of (ins Backrider coming, lie resolved
to do or die, and hurriedly told his errand.
The widow would be delighted to go, of
course she would. But wouldn’t he come
in. No he was in a hurry he said; had to
go on to Mr. Green's place.
“Oil,” said the widow; “you're going
to Green’s, are yon? Why, I was just go
ing there myself to get one of the girls to
help me quilt some. Just wait ft second
while I get my bonnet and shawl, and iT
ride with yon.” And away she skipped.
“Thunder and lightning!” said Bill,
■‘what a scrap. !” and he hastily clutched
his pants from between his feet, and was
preparing to wriugle into tlie.m, when a
light wagon drawn by a white-faced herse,
driven by a boy, came along and stopped
by him. The boy held out a pair of boots
in one band and a pair of socks in the
other, and just as the widow reached the
gate again, he said,
“Herd’s your boots and yonr socks, Mr.
Smiley, that you left on the bridge when
yon was in swimmiDg.”
“You’re mistaking,” said Bill, “they're
not mine.”
“Why,” said the boy, “ain’t yon the
man that had the race after the horse just
now?"
“No, sir, I am not! yon had better go
on about your business.” Bill sighed at
the loss of his good Sunday boobs, and
turning to the widow he said.
“Just pick up the lines, will yon please;
this brute of a horse is forever switching
them out of my hands.” The widow com
plied, and then he pulled one corner of the
lobe cautiously down, and she got in.
QUITMAN, GA., SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 1874.
"What a lovely evening,” said she, "and
iso warm; I don't think we need the robe
own us, do we?”
(Yon see, she lmd on a nice dross and
a pair of new gaiters, and she wanted to
show them.)
“Oh, my!” said Bill earnestly, "you'll
find it chilly riding, and I wouldn't have
you cutoh cold for the world.”
She seemed pleased at the tender care
for her health, and contented herself with
; sticking one of her little feet out with a
lung silk neck-tie over the end of it.
“What is that, Mr. Smiley? a neck
tie?”
, "Yes," said lie, “I bought it the other
day, and I must have left it iu the buggy.
! Never mind it."
’ "But,” she said, "it was so careless;"
i mid stooping over she picked it up and
made a motion to stuff it between them.
Bill felt her hand going down, and muk
iug a dive after it, clutched it in his aud j
held it hard and fast.
They went on quite a distance, he sti![
holding her soft little hand in his and won
dering what lie should do when they got
i to Green’s and she wondering why he did
not say something nice to her ns well as
squeeze her hand, and why his coat was
buttoned up so tightly on such a warm
evening, and what made his face and hat
so dirty, until ns they were going down a
little hill one of the traces came unhitched
and they laid to stop.
"O murder!” said Bill; "Wlmt next?”
"What is the matter, Mr. Smiley?” said
the widow, with a start that came near
jerking the robe off his knees.
"One of the traces is oft',” said he.
"Well, why don't you got out aud put it
on?"
~I can't,” said Bill; “I’ve got that is
I liavn’t got—oh, dear, I'm so sick! What
shall I do?"
“Why, Willie,” said she tenderly,
“wlmt is the matter? do tell me,” and she
gave Lis hand a little sqme/.e, and looking
into his pale and troubled face she thought
he was going to fuiut; so she got out her
smelling bottle with her left hand, and
pullingthe stopper out with her teeth she
stuck it to his nose.
Bill was just taking in breath for a
mighty sigh, and the puguaut odor made
him throw his head so far hack that he
lost liis balance au l went over the low
backed buggy. The little woman gave a
little scream as his big bare feet flew past
her head; And'covering her face with her
! hands gave way to her tears, or smiles
it is hard to tell which. Bill was “right
>ide np” in a moment ami was leaning
over tile back of the seat humbly apologiz
ing when Ed. Wilbur, with his wife and
laby, drove up behind ami stopped. I’onr
Bill felt that he would rather have been
shot than have Ed. Wilbur catch him in
Hiieh a scrape, hut there was no help for it
now . so be .-sllo.l v I /. Uia. Illspt-red
m his ear. Ed. was like to burst witli sur
pressed laughter, blit he beckoned to his
wife to drive up. and after saying some
thing to her, lie helped the widow out of
Bill's buggy and into his, and the two
women went ou, leaving the men beliin I.
Bill lost no time in arranging his toilet as
well us he could, and then with great pur
amotion Ed. got him to go home with him,
and bunting up slippers anil socks and
getting him washed and com!.ed, bud him
quite presentable when the ladies arrived.
I need not tell how the story was all worm
ed out of bashful Bill, and how they all
laughed as they sat nro nil the tea table
that night, but will com hide by saving
that they went to the show together and
Bill has no fear of Gus Backrider now
This is a true story about Bill and tlie
widow, just us 1 Lad it from Ed. Wilbur,
and if there is anything uusatisfutory about
it, ask him.
Marvelous Peats with a Sword.
Here is anew stage sensation. Moos.
D’Omer aided by Mile. D’Onier, perform
ed a number of feats, evincing liis dexterity*
with the sword. A description of some of
liis most difficult performances may prove
interesting.
A largo apple, which hud been thrown
forcibly upon the stage to (•rove its sound
ness, was placed in a white handkerchief,
the four ends of which were tied to a
st.ck held by Mile. D’Oroer. The sword
man then dealt a rapid stroke upon the
handkerchief with a sharp edged sword,
and then took from the handkerchief a
s ice of tiie app’e, m second stroke severed
the apple in two, and yai the handkerchief
was not cut.
Again, attached an apple by the stem to
a twine, suspend as above described, and
by a blow from right to left severed the
twine, and by a rapid blow from left to
right severed the apple in halves ero it
touched the stage.
He took a lemon and placed upon the
hare flesh at the nape of Mile. D’Oaer’s
neck, and by a quick stroke of a very sharp
s yorj be cut it cleanly in halves without
1 -aviug a mark upon the lady’s neck.
Then to ptove that the sword he had used
in that trick iiad an edge as sharp as a
razor, lie folded a pocket handkerchief in
twelve thicknesses and laid it upon the
edge of the sword; by one rapid move
ment of the sword in tho air the handker
chief fell upon tho stage cut completely
through.
Then using a bow gun, he shot an ar
row through an apple placed upon Mile.
D’Omer’s head, he standing on the oppo
site side of the stage, and both parties be
ing in full view of the audience. Their
performances concluded with an exhibition
of the manly art of self-defense, boxing
gloves being used. Mile. DOrner proved
to be a skillful boxer, and got in some
very telling blows upon the head and face
of her opponent, while she parried with
grace and agility those aimed at herself.
Both were loudly applauded during tin ir
various rounds, and recalled at tho close of
their feats. — Reo'luig Logic.
A Tumult at Har’.and.
Hurlnnd is a beautiful, hut sleepy v”-
lage, resting away iu one little corner of a
glen, among the mountains. One summer
day, n gentleman mitt his wife arrived in
the "Couooru” coach, and took up quart
ers at the tavern. They registered us J*’.
Mi ter and wife, New York. They were
evidently cultivated people, and it was ob
. served, as a peculiarity, that the gentle
man used ft pencil and slate, in order lo
communicate with others. Of course, he
was considered deaf. The .strangers final
ly rented a vacant house, furnishing it
handsomely, moved into it and settled
down. They lived very secluded lives.
Now, if anything under heaven will pro
* volte a gossiping village into insanity, it is
the presence therein of a person of whom
nothing is known, and who associates only
I on the most.distant terms with his fellows.
. All Harland was aroused, and the names
of Mr. ami Mrs. Miller, or, "that strange
| mini and woman,” as they were called,
were on tile tongue of every villager.
"They registered from New York,” it was
■ said. New Yolk is a big place. A million
jof people live there. What could these
! stuiigers have done in New York? Did
they merely come to Harland to live? Or
diil they come for concealment? At last,
Betty Jones said she had a letter fiom
New York, telling her that, a burglar named
Miller had recently esaped from the otU
cers iu that city; hence the new comer
must be the identical man. The grass
widow millner, who worked over the store,
however, said that a man named Miller had
recently eloped with another man's wile,
in New York. She saw it in a paper; and
the ‘ strange man" could be none other
than this •■horrid bigumist!”"TUe observ
ed of all observers” occasionally made his
appearance ut the store to buy a trifle,
nevertheless, or at the post-office for Ins
letters, and lie soon heard, tor his deaf mss
was feigned, a hundred such stories. He J
was supposed to "deaf us a post” and
lienee all talked freely in his presence. In
a mouth lie and his wife were each charged
with crimes enough to gelid them to
the penitentiary for the balance of their
davs. Miller at lust determined to teach
these people a salutary lesson. One day,
taking the stage for the country town, he I
called at the office of the strongest law firm j
there, in order to commence action for j
slander against two women and three men
living in Harland, The desired warrants
were issued for their arrests on the en-j
■suing day, and that they l>e tiken to ti e J
county jail if nimble to procure bail. Bay- !
iug down fifty dollars, as retaining fee, lie j
departed, the attorneys promising that his j
wishes should be strictly attended to. ,
About nine o'clock on the ensuing day, I
two carriages drove up to the tavern i
door, iu Harland,each containing one man.
Who were these men? What did hey
want? They asked for the residence of
Betty Jones, Margaret Walker, Hilaries
Warner, James Beers and K ibert Wilson,
and Were directed up the street. In about
an hour the two returned to the tavern,
ami with them Jones, Walker, Warner,
Beers, and Wilson, A crowd gathered on
i lie tavern-porch, and it was learned that
tins.; five persons were ill the hands of the
j law, charged with a criminal offense.
They were placed in the carriage and
driven off. O. Harland, what a night that
warn fi r tlice! Nothing short of an eartl
i quake could have produced such a shock.
|,i.i „ until, a- wmidet. That * •strange mini"
came forth, and lie had recovered his heal
ing. W hat was the town coming to? Dur
ing Ihe next day the five criminals, huv- .
ing secured bail, returned to their homes,
wrathful at their arrests, and at, the party
who had occasioned it. They waited upon j
him in a body, and desired him to with- 1
draw the suits, stating that if lie did not
he might suffer terrible consequences. Jlc j
declined all their propositions. ‘ I wish, ’ j
said In*, "to toll you five persons a few .
tacts. My name is not Miller, but Hugh :
Walters” -and here the company all start
ed. "This is my unlive town. Ten years !
ago I left it with my darling and only sis-,
ter whom your lies aud slanders sent, to an j
untimely grave. She was as pure as an j
angel, but extremely sensitive to the shafts
of malice, and you succeeded in throwing
a taint upon her character. I left with
her ten years ago for Florida, hoping that
a change of c ne an 1 distance from your
venom would at. least prolong her days.
But 'twas too late. She died, and was bu
ried among strangers. Hove for my native
hills and the land of my ancestors prompt
ed me to return, bringing my wife, hut I
determined to adopt a rose, and pass un
der a false name, in order that 1 might
root out the nest of foul slanders with
which tiiis town is disgraced, and for
which it ever has been so notorious. I am
neither a fool nor cowaiil, and have means
and influence to accomplish my purposes.”
The silence of death seemed, as it were,
resting upon the guilty parties. Walters
continued: “I have prepared a paper
which it will he, imperative for yon to sign
and swear to before I will release you from
from the grasp of the law. I have sent ter
a justice and expect him momentarily.”
Walters re.-iit I tie pa It stated tlmt t lie
undersigned, in tiie presence of God and a
magistrate, hereby promise never again to
slander one Hugh Walters ail wife," etc.
This wan a hitler pill to swallow. The pa
per was signed though, and sworn to, and
for a long time afterward Hnrland was to
tally exempt from the mischievous gossip :
of unscrupulous euhi in motors.
Don’t Do It.
Don’t linger where yonr “love liis.
dreaming.” Wake her up and tell her to
get breakfast.
Don’t turn up yonr nose at light things. ■
Think of hrtad and taxation.
Don’t insult a poor man. His muscles
may ho well devel ipeil.
Don’t put ou airs in vonr new clothes.
Remember that your tailor is suffering.
Don’t stand still arid point the way to
Heaven. Spiritual guide-boards save but
few* sinners.
Don’t write long obituaries. Have s mie
of your kind words for the living.
Don’t depend wholly on Spaulding’s pro-!
pared glue. It will not mend u broken j
promise.
It is a curious fact, that if the same let
ters of the same size precisely are painted
on two boards, the one white ou a black j
ground, and the other black ou u white
ground, that the white letters will appear]
larger, and be read at greater distance i
than black. It is owing to what is called j
the irradiations of light. It depends on j
this: Tlmt the impression made on the
bottom of the eye by b iglit objects ex- j
tends a little wider than the actual portion
ol the organ struck by the light, and, in
vading the space occupied by the darker
objects, make the brighter appear larger
than they really are.
The Frisky Flea.
The Average woman hates a flea with an
intensity almost diabolical in its nature.
| She will pursue one of those little inno
o mts with the remorselessness of a fiend,
and if you ever expect to see a beautiful
exemplification of womanly traits never
look for it when she knows that a flea is
about. And ill proportion as the woman
luttes, the flea seems to love, and is never
enjoying ecstatic bliss unless favored with
her society. He likes to seek her couch in
the stilly hours of night, woo her from
slumber, and from u sheltered nook wit
ness her feverish exertions to escape his
Caresses; but perhaps lie does not reach
tile nettle of enjoyment until he can slyly
accompany her to church and not make
his presence known until she is satisfac
torily settled her furbelows and flounces
on the cushioned scat all ready to be ad
mired and make note of how others look.
And then the,flea begins his manipulations,
knowing full well that he has his victim at
a disadvantage. Hi re there can i e no I
lmsty flinging of skirts, no assuming of j
unbecoming postures while making frantic j
grabs at the mischievous and inaccessible I
! monster. If yon note the woman closely, I
von will see a compression of the lip and j
look of hate and pain creeping iuto the face
which she fain would conceal aud not re
] veal, for are not many eyes upon her?
One moment she settles herself a little
more firmly on one side, as though hoping
lo email the aggressor, lmt the next mo
ment feels him scampering upward, when
. she soitles backward quickly to catch him
between her back nud the rail, but till in !
vain --his flag is still there. One dainty j
gaiter may rub up against its fellow as fai
ns may bo done without disarranging dra
pery, mid there may be a quiet, yet. never
theless vicious clutch of a jeweled hand
under tile preteisi of arranging flowing I
drapery, but all in vain. And the (lea, j
how he does enjoy it. Ho roams hither
and thither at his own sweet will, uncaring
for the boiling wrath which fairly makes
the white flesh upon which he plays shiver
beneath his light tread. And perhaps the
Ilea has his mate, and then the anguish is
I doubled. Atone moment they are play
ing tag; at another hide aud seek, and
I while tiie one is cosily nestled away, the
! other rushes hither and thither to find it
j in a way which is maddening; aud they net
i the part of explorers, and prospect every
j lull anil dale of the form divine. But one
! thing they do not do, they do not go to
sleep. And during this hour of martyrdom
! how the wrath of the woman gathers, and
| how only thoughts of dire vengeuee make
| the brief agouy endurable. But at last
j the service which has seemed so long is
! ended, and with as much majesty as her
! writhing form will permit, she sails home
without loitering, you may he sure. The
limine reached, with one hound she *• witn
iu the privacy of h*-r uuw chamber, and
tiler** oil restraint ia cast aside. With
lightning haste off come the barricades
behind which the flea found intrenchment,
and at last she stands like a gladiator
strijiped for the light., and then the fate of
the invader is sealed. He is pursued with
remorseless fury, and the battle does not
end until the victor shakes aloft tne scalp
of the foe, and vows that so perish always
the flea who dares to invade the sacred
territory of her person.
Love-making and Blasting-powder.
A festive youth, who performs his daily
avocation in the mines of Lander llill,
thoiignt lie would take home a little blast
iug-powderthe other day; it might come
handy to split an obstinate log he hud at
home. When he started for his humble
cabin ill the evening he wrapped a few
ounces curefully in several thicknesses of
paper, and placed it in his pocket. When
lie got home he. began Bringing how long
it would he before lie was likely to get a
crushing; and then lie thought wliui a uice
perfume the handkerchief extract tout he
bought last Saturday uight had, and he
said within himself tlmt a miner’s life is
hard und uncertain. Then lie thought lie
ouglitto cull on that Smithers girl to-night.
He t in night of everything but^that pow der
m the pocket of his coat.
After supper lie concluded to drop in
and see tlmt Smithers girl. He got Ids
necktie in proper sliap- ; his handkerchief
was perfumed like unto a new-blown rose;
one oiled lock hung gracefully down on
Ids forehead, and he started for the domi
cil of his This young man is
coloring a meerschaum, but his girl de
tests tiie horrid smoke; so when he got to
the door he knocked the blow ol*the meer
schaum on his manly heel, and put it in
his pocket. Of course lie didn't intent to
put in the same pocket with the powder,
liis affinity met him at the door with a
sweet, smileon her beauteous countenance,
welcomed him to the paternal mansion,
and invited him into the parlor and to a
seat on the sofa. They got engaged in
conversation. He asked her if it wasn’t a
beautiful evening, and then she inquired
how he liked the dress Miss Brown wore
at church last Sunday. Ho said lie didn’t
like it a hit, and she remarked that Miss
Brown was a stuck-up thing anyhow; ami
all the time that pipe was insidiously
'burning its wav through that paper. Hi*
agreed tlmt Miss Brown was somewhat
stuck-up, and said maybe he'd strike it
pretty soon, nud then you'll see who’ll
wear plug hats. Bite told him tlmt she
thought plug hats so becoming, and then
ho was going to tell her lie adored her;
that she was the darling of his soul, and
th a lii happiness was centered in her
No. i boots. But lie was interrupted. He
arose from the floor and inquired if the
lightning lmd struck anybody else, and
remarked something about the Virginia
explosion being a warning not to keep ni
tw-glecerine in their house". Then he
food oil his eoat. He said it was au ohl
coat, sod he didn't want it nohow. His
girl's !; t 0 ug,'<>strd that this wasn’t the
Fourth oi July, and if hu wanted to set off
fire-works he ought to go np ou the hilt
and do it. Then the young man said it
was getting late, and he guessed he'd go
home, and suggested that he would send a
man around to-morrow to fix the sofa. He
says now that flaxseed ain’t worth a pill
for a poultice, and he ain’t tgningo teall on
t hat Smithers gal any more; she’s most too
high toned,and thinks herself too good for
a miner, anyhow.
An honest rustic went into the shop “f
a Quaker to buy a hat, for which four dol
lars was demanded. He offered fchrie
dollars for it. “As I live,” said the
Quaker, “I cannot afford to give it thee
at that price.” “A" you live !” exclaimed
the countryman; “then live more moder
ately, und be lmuged to you.” “Friend,”
said the Quaker, thou slinlt have the hat
for nothing. I have sold huts for twenty
years, and uiy trick was uovi r found out
till uow.”
fFroin tin) Danbury Mews.]
POLITICAL PEPPFR.
Butler Bitters—B 1874 X.—[N. Y. Mail.
Tildeu hit Dix on the spot.— [Boston
Post.
How Butlor was puckered—Bor Sim
mons.— [Wash. Oh roll.
110, Hawley! Send us some more out
rages.—[Bostou Post.
By the way, how about these "Southern
Outrages.”—[Worcester Press.
The healthiest corpse oil record—the
Democratic party,— [Yonkers Uaz.
The Iron Mau was was elected. The
Oast Eye-ou Man was defeated.-—Boston
Com-.
Alas! The grass withered, the flower
fadeth, and we are scooped.—[Cleveland
Herald.
Another dam disaster in Massachusetts.
See jetion returns.—[Cleveland Herald.
The Democratic days have come, the
saddest of the year.—[All the Republican
papers.
Governor Gaston, Old Bay State. Old
Bay State, this is Governor Gaston.—[Bos
tou Post.
Three T's— Tilden, Tammany and
Tweed—When shall we three meet again?
—[Roc-li. Ex.
If any man attempts to haul down the
American Tildeu shoot him on the Dix.
Detroit Press.
Ben Butler has always wanted more
time and now he has all the time there is.
[Detroit Proas.
Our friends, the Democrats, are likely
to shriek the rust out of their throats,
anyhow. —[Roeh, Dem.
After the roar of the election, next
comes the gobble of a Thanksgiving tu -
key,—[Washington Star.
Many politicians are more familiar with
an election bet than with the alphabet.—
[Norristown Herald.
Heaven is chiefly remarkable for hap
piness because there are no Democrats
there.—[lioch. Dem.
The news catches us without a single
chicken. Tile render will please imagine
a whole coop. —[Com- Jour.
Oh, Lord ! to lie beaten was bad enough,
but to be beaten by a Thompson with
a P ! —• [Courier-Journal.
South Carolina goes Republican and
Massachusetts Democratic. How is tliafc
lor whirligig?—[Boston Herald.
We heard something drop, Tuesday,
and after a careful investigation found it
was ourselves.—[Boston News
Massachusetts !• removed one grease
-pat from U-t escutcheon by the negative
use of Bun’s in.—[Wash. Cap.
Mr. Capen predicted "mi earthquake
period” mum* time ago. The prediction
was verified Tuesday. [Boston Globe.
We ml in i t that the people have spoken,
but what’s the use of making Such a dis
agreeable fuss about it?—[Koch. Dem.
A Vermont man who forgot to register
consoles himself with the reflection that
lie is registered iu Heaven. [Detroit
Press.
The most conspicuous wreck is that of
the monitor, U. 8. Grant. Nothing but
the smoke-stack is visible !—|H rtfurd
Times.
Yes, we believe there was such a man
as Ben. Butler, but it’s so long ago we
can’t remember much about him.- [De
troit Press.
Now we rend that there has been a Re
publican defeat in a town in Spain. It
seems we are catching it all around, —
[N ’low n Herald.
Won’t it be funny to have Ben Butler i
staying at home and reading the news of i
what they are doing iu Congress?- [New
York Com.
Bon Butler will next appear in flic
character of Toodles. “Thompson !
Thompson with a pinit ! D—u Thomp
son !’’—[St. Louis Globe.
At last the wires bring us news of Re
publican victories this Novembci—in “the
departments of Drome and Nord,” in
France.—[Washington Btur.
The editor of the Bucyrus Journul is
dead. He hadn’t heard the political
thunder when his paper went to press ui
the 6tli inst. [Dayton Jour.
It has taken a good many poultry yards
to enable the Democratic press to give
expression to tlieir feelings over the re
cent coup-de-maiii.— [N. i. Corn.
“Ohl Massachusetts—there she stands!”
—D. Webster. Not so, Daniel. She is
flat oil her back, mid the Democratic party
a-sitling on her.—[Wash. Gluon.
The Albany Argue exhibits seven or
eight roosters and one eagle. Evidently
the Democratic party is going to have
something to cat ouco more.—lioch. Dem.
A Boston nmi.* had forty-eight hat* i,-u
on the Democratic ticket, and now lie’ll
rub liis linir all off before lie gets through
trying them half ou.—[Detroit Press.
Agriculturists in want of good farm
hands should send in tlieir applications to
custom houses and post offices at least
ninety days before the 4tli of March, 1877.
[B'klyu Argus.
An enthiisiastio Wisconsin land-owner
advertises tlint he has set apart a few
thousand acres of primeval forest for At
torney Gent nil Williams to hide liimsclf
ui.—[B klyn Argus.
Oli, Hearings I The Louisville
! wants to know* how Tildeii and Allen
; would look on a Democratic ticket? Rise
: up, William Allen, and roar ut the thought.
[Dayton Journal.
The Muse-mawler of the Philadelphia
Ledger walks trom his office to the Moyam-!
eusujg prison and hack again twice a day,
lo get himself ill condition to write an
obituary lyric ou Butler.—[B’klyu Argus.
The result in Massachusetts is not due
to the currency question, hut to the fact
that the Republican papers published
campaign poetry. Tho organization of
' glee clubs by the Republican# also helped
them to defeat.-—[Mil. Bent.
Since the defeat of Jimmy Hays in New
| York, apprehensions are felt that lion.
1 John Morrissey will movo off towards the
! setting sun, and consequently most of the
! Western legislatures are passing stringent
laws against gambling. [B’klyn Argus.
Dispatches from Indiana indicate that
Schuyler Colfax has also heard of the
“tidal wave.” At last aoconuls several
members of the Booth Beud Young Men’s
Christian Association were engaged iu
bathing Ids temples with Buy mui.*--
[B'klyu Argus.
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
A booth'a* enterprise—Going barefoot.
A‘‘put-up job"—Hunker Hill monu
ment.
An act of great politeness—Polishing a
stove.
The hurricane that lifts a house is a sad
blow.
Ye gods of battles anil bottles—Mars
ami Bacchus.
Wlio always comes to n boll after mid
night? One A. M.
Where do wall flowers grow? On a
party wall, of course.
Men of sound views—The pilots of the
Ijong Island Hound steamers.
"Climb out of the way, or I’ll walk
over you”— New York brayijtrrt,
"Very good, but rather pointed," as
the codfish said when ho swullowed the
bait.
What c .rpenter’s implement does the
carpenter himself rescwblo? The screw
driver.
A New* York German sings—"Who
tears ilera lager flags uway, we’ll spot
him on dor snoot!"
Why was the third of November select
ed this year for election day? Because it
is Choose-duy.
NO. 30.
“Give ns a rest,” said the boy being
flogged; and then he wrested the whip
: from thu teacher's hands.
; A tall policeman complained of a young
I man for insulting him, by asking "if it
I was cool up there,”
Y'lin look as if you were beside your
self, ns the wag said to the fellow who
stood by the side of an ass.
Why is the female centipede supposed
to be the most ingenuous of insects? Be
! cause she’s thu least likely to count-lier*
i feet.
Young lady at the post office: "If I
don’t get a letter by this mail. T want to
know what he was doing Sunday, that's
Sail.”
An old lady hearing somebody aay the
; mails were irregular, said: “It was just, so
lin my young days—no trusting uny of
’em.”
A paper has this advertisement: * Two
sisters want washing.” We fear that
millions of brothers are in the same pre
dicament.
A lmd wicked newspaper or man an
nounces thu nuptials of Mr. Bacon nud
Mr Bean under the head of "A Dish of
Pork anil Beans.”
An exchange says: "Melancholy people
rarely have well-arranged white teeth.”
We aiippose it is owing to the fact that
they chew the cud of hitter fancy too
much.
The Detroit Press informs ns that the
Vosaar collt'go girls pluy foot-ball, ami
that it is mi inspiring sight to see one of
them miss the hull and laud on her head
in the gruaa.
Out West when a man elopes with the
Si rvaut maid they say that he has swapped
his wife and children for a hired girl,
and gone on a tramp for a change of air
nud ilent- y.
A person asked F.itrick McGuire if he
knew Mr. Tim Duffy. "Know him I” an
swered lie; "why, he's a very near relation
of mine. He once proposed to many my
sister Kate!”
‘ Can’t you make any allowance for a
man’s being drunk?” said a police court
culprit the other day. "Certainly,” said
the judge, "I'll allow you thirty days in
the work-house.”
A new’statue is to be erected in BologDtt.
It should be to the lailouy sausage, the
| noblest invention of modern times.
Were it not for them, the world would be
overrun with dogs.
“Vel, mine shone,"said a wealthy Is
| raelite to his hopeful, who had asked fora
nickel, "I don’t mind de value of de fife
sheiits; but shnst dink vot de interest ou
i dot sum would be in von hundred years. ”
"How far is it to Cub Creek?” asked a
| traveler of a Dutch woman on the toll ga e
i.u Canada. "Only shnst a little wuys."
Is it four, six. eight, or ten miles?” ini
■ patiently ask* and the fretful stranger "Yes
I dinks it is,” serenely replied the uii
j moved gate-keeper.
There has been a reward by a society in
Vermont for the champion mean man.
j Did that society ever hem- of the Cleve
land gentleman, who w hen a boy return and
hint his pocket-book, containing $S()b,
which he had lost, wmt out.bought live
cents’ worth of bananas, uud gave the b. .y
the skins to chew ?
Speaking of bottles. Mm. Purtingtcn
says; The less people have to do with bot
tles tho better. My neighbor. Mis.
Blotch, Ims been using a bottle for a good
many years for her complexion and h-r
nose looks like all eruption of Mount
Vociferous, will) the burning lather run
ning all over the contagions territory,
A disgusting man, whose nose and chin
were both very long, and who had lost liis
teeth, whereby the nose and chin were
brought very near together, was told: “I
am afraid your nose and chin will fight i re
long; they approach one another very
menacingly.” “1 am afraid of it myself;
; replied tho gentleman, “for a great
] in my words have pasted between them
! already.”
The Boston Courts Lnve decided that if a
! woman lends money to her husband sho
j can get it back Wo know s. vend wives
) down this way that uau}J -liii* I-- o” ve me
' Boston courts iiiiorui them how it can tic
; done. One worn u say the only way sho
sees bt being reimbursed is by cut ting lid
bur husband’s nose and selling it to an ag
ricultural fair for exhibition. It would
show what high cultivation can allect.
A man named To t n pui*cba-.ed a saloon
on Michigan avenue the i tlier day, mid
yesterday, while 1.0 was alone, a man en
tered, looking around, and said, “I am nil
escape convict from Jackson, and I want
to la* arrested and sent hack Go and got
a policeman, and it will ho fifty dollars in
your pocket.” Telter didn’t wait to ask
any questions, but as lie saw the man sit
down, ho put on liis liat und ran to the
Ninth avenue station, while the “convict”
put two boxes of cigars under liis arm and
went out the back door. Mr. Telter sawr
throngli the little joke when he got back,
and says he can’t be fooled again.
An old sol Her in Sicily gave his wife n
silk dress. His wife died an war buried
in the dress. Borne weeks after the old
soldier saw this dress on a woman in tl e
country, and, making inquiry, was tom
that she had purchased it from the Capu
chin monks, who had the i-nstoilv of the
villa e cem* t ry, Ho r* ported tio ease
to the police, who iuvesi.gibed and no de
the discovery that a regular trade was ral
lied on in effects taken f.om dead bodies.
There was even a trade in lmir.
—-—— ■ ,
A Whiteb 1 **r went- huntiug last Satur
day with a double barrel gun. Through
mi take he placed two charges in one bar
rel. Seeing a gray squirrel silting on a
stump he stole up behind him, took aim,
aim pulled the trigger. He is now ready
to reciive proposals from bri Ige con
’ractois to furnish a now bridge for his
nose.— WUttehtdl 'lnnes.