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THE GAINESVILLE NEWS*.
WEDNESDAY JULY 30. 1905
A CLEVER CLERK.
A LITTLE NONSENSE
Once upon a time the famous
banking house of Hope of Amster
dam sent a young clerk to negotiate
a matter of.business with the Bar
ings in London. Treated with gen
erous hospitality, the clerk became
intimate with the family and made
an impression upon the daughter.
He asked 'permission of the father
to urge his suit, and after rebuking
him for his presumption Baring
told him that were he a partner in
the Hope house he might listen to
him. The clerk, after succeeding
with his mission, returned to Am
sterdam and told what Baring had
held out to him* He then asked to
be made a partner on the strength
of his prospects, and the Hopes
agreed. As a partner the clerk re
turned to England and eventually
married Miss Baring. He remained
in England, entered parliament and
became Lord Taunton. The clerk’s
name was Labouchere, the father of
Henry Labouchere, the famous ed
itor of Truth and an M. P.
Some Paragraphs That'Are Intended
> to Make You Smile.
Bacon^—Did you say he had col
ored blood in his veins ?
Egbert—Yes; it’s as red as red
can be. ^ ->
Bill—Do you remember the first
cigar you ever smoked ? .
Jill—Gh, yes; it was the last.
She—William Penn was a short,
stubby man, they say. . >..
He—Yes; I think he was the orig
inal stub Penn.
Constipation *.
makes
Biliousness,. ^
and Bad Complexions
5o result. Then whereJs your beauty ?
>e system in good order by taking
removes from the soil
large quantities of
\V^andTONIC PELLETS
and good blood, good digestion and good health will keep
the roses in your cheeks. Ramon’s Liver Pills and t
l Tonic Pellcta gently assist nature. Free sample and J
vt booklet at dealers, or write to /A
SKjS, BROWN MFQ. CO. jy/J A
|e\x\S^ New York and
; Qreeneville,
Term*
1 The fertilizer ap
plied, must furnish
“An umbrella seems to he any
man’s property," remarked the ob
server of events and things, “ex
cepting, perhaps, the one who . buys
Mr. Styles—There must be a lot
of gas wasted in this house in a
month.
Mrs. Styles—How do you know,
dear? You haven’t got your gas
bill this month yet ?
“Ho; but here’s a telephone bill
for fifty extra messages.’’—Yonkers
Statesman.
GERMAN KALI WORKS;
93 Nassau St., New York,
Taking a Cneerful View.
“There’s one thing .about the
king’s recovery that encourages
me,’’ said the man who was being
taken to the hospital.
“But his trouble wasn’t anything
like yours,’’ replied the nurse.
“I know it. Still he was worked
over by five or six doctors.’’—Chica
go Record-Herald.
One of Senator Hoar's Habits.
One of Senator Hoar’s peculiar
street car habits is his - seemingly
unconscious desire to get a seat near
the door where he is to get out. The
other day he boarded a long F
street car which was well filled. The
venerable senator had to take a seat
near the front end. As the car
proceeded toward the capitol the
passengers gradually got out. Ev-
m*y time a person next to the sena
tor got out he promptly slid into
the vacated place. By repeating
thi$ sliding operation a half dozen
times the senator arrived at the
seat next the door, which he held
the balance of the journey.
The senator seemed preoccupied
the while with other matters, his
lips were moving rapidly, evidently
trying to keep pace with his
thoughts, and when he executed the
move for his departed neighbor’s
seat it was with the unconscious
^eagerness of a small bov after an
.apple.-—Washington Star.
A w ja, W|| gT *nlk jfgg Inf|Af' -Is tne name sometimes given to vht
■ C B @ B w ifS m 8 S S 8 S P I s generally known as the BAD DR
^ vice or the lower classes, q The purest
4k 4k 40 IHfc AHAA fk and best people are sometimes
Hi! 0101 infected - with this awful maladv
fg M 'v M Ha through, handling the clothing,
drinking from the same vessels’
using the same toilet articles, or otherwise coming in contact with persons
who have contracted it.
It begins usually with a little blister or sore, then swelling in. the
groins, a red eruption breaks out on
5V , j ^ . . Ten years agro X contracted a bad case
the body, sores and ulcers appear of Blood Poison. I was under treatment
in the mouth, the throat becomes of a physician until I found that he could
ulcerated, the hair, eye brows and Z 10 sood. Then began taking
fall nnf - tbo- KInnd hppemitio- »•»•». I commenced to improve at once
lasnes iau out, tne Diooa becoming and m a very short time all evidence d
A Canny.Canvasser.
A Quiet Time.
Visitor—You say things have
been quiet out here this season.
Kansas Rube—Ya-as, stranger,
very quiet, ’cept fer a cyclone, two
tornadoes and four waterspouts and
a few seventeen year locusts.—Hew
York Journal.
Untrammeied Man.
Mrs. Dash—-Don’t you ever visit
in summer?
Mrs. Rash-—Oh, no. David al
ways wants to go where he can pay
board and act disagreeable when he
feels like it.—Detroit Free Press.
That Catches 'Em.
u Young Mr. Bolus is achieving a
phenomenal practice, they tell me/’
said Hojaek.
“Well, why not?’’ replied Tom-
dik. “He’s making a specialty of
pingpongitis."—Judge.
Not Her Forte.
“She says she would like to get
away somewhere where she would
have time to think.’’
“Well, 1 always feared she wasn’t
out out for a society girl.’’—Life.
A Breezy Day in Douglas.
Douglas has had a little warm
“spell,’’ writes a correspondent o f
the Arizona Republican. The ther
mometer stood at 106 in the ice
box, but as there was no ice in it ai
the time the mercury was excusa
ble. These warm days the valley is
entertained and malaria dissipated
by an endless succession of little
corkscrew winds. They are about
as big around as an old maid’s wais i
and about a mile high. They go
waltzing along among the mesquites
and across the street, where the
dust is so * deep you have to wear
snowshoes, and they will chase you
as a coypte chases a jackrabbit, till
they catchT you, douse your nose and
ears full of sand and skip merrily
away, almost laughing at you. I
saw one yesterday that filled the
heavens with everything, from a Po
lice Gazette to a War Cry.
“Can I see the lady of the house ?”
asked the canvasser.
“Yes/’ she replied candidly, “you
can.’’
“Madam, I’m selling a can open
er which can’t be beat. It opens
any can that can be opened by any
can opener, and any can can be
opened by this can opener that can
be opened by any can opener, and if
3'ou can show me a can I can’’—
But this was where the door was
slammed in his face.
Nothing Doing. -
“What is the matter with Bills ?’’
“Worrying over business affairs."
“I didn’t know he had any busi
ness."
“That’s it; he hasn’t."—Indian
apolis Hews.
Plausible Enough.
Ascum—-How did you make out
*ith that story you sent to the
Klaptrap magazine?
Scribbler—Rejected. I fancy it
was too clever. ■«,
Ascum—Too clever?
Scribbler—Yes; I suppose they
were afraid it would distract atten
tion from their advertising pages.—
Philadelphia Press.
> A One Point of View.
“Considering the work they do,"
commented the citizen, “the police
are poorly paid."
“And yet," replied the old lush,
“in considering the rate of pay we
must also consider the expenses.
How, a policeman doesn’t have to
buy either cigars or drinks if he
had the right kind of beat."—Chi
cago Post. 1 -
Mark Twain’s
What you buy here is fresh and nice—you can count on
French Politeness.
Leon Bourgeois, the new presi
dent of the French chamber of dep
uties, represented France at the
peace congress at The Hague and
.gained there a reputation as a dip
lomat. He has been minister of
public instruction. He is an orator
and possesses all the arts of the
trained parliamentary speaker. To
M: Deschanel, whom he has beaten
in his new office, he said: “I suc
ceed you. . I shall never replace
you." That was a delicate, -way of
softening defeat which is not habit
ual at the Palais Bourbon.
that. We have no old stuff to unload on our customers,
* •
stock is always new and clean.
G. C. Clemens, of Topeka,
Kan., the no-
ted constitu-
tional lawyer,
who bears so JjKjpjpiltg
striking a re- /gpASSIfSll
semblance to
Mark Twain,
(Samuel B.
Clemens) that • j jaSSyT ^||||pj|
he is frequent- I
ly taken for the
original Mark, G ; C * Clemons,
is a man of deep intellect and
wide experience. _ He is con
sidered one of the foremost
lawyers in this country. In a re
cent letter to the Dr. Miles
Medical Co., Mr. Clemens says:
* * “Personal experience and obser
vation have thorough. satisfied me that
Dr. Miles’ Nervine contains true merit,
and is excellent for what it is recom
mended.”
Mr. Norman Waltnp, Sup. Pres. Bank
ers’ Fraternal Society, Chicago, says:
His Sympathetic Nature.
“Well, I’m glad this ragtime mu
sic is getting out of date," re
marked the business man. “Tm
sure it gave me indigestion."
“Honsense!"
“Fact. The orchestra at the res
taurant where I take my lunch al
ways played it, and I couldn’t help
keeping time with my jaws."—Phil
adelphia Press.
Contested Seats In Congress.
Under the law every contestant
for a seat in congress is allowed $2,-
000 for expenses, provided the con
test is regular, and it is remarkable
that in nearly every such case the
contestant finds that his expenses;
foot up just the $2,000. Congress*
man Tompkins of the Twelfth Ohio
district, whose seat was contested
by John J. Lentz, is a notable ex
ception to the general rule. Mr.
Tompkins sent in a bill for $1,-
999.06, positively refusing to charge
the government a penny more than
was right.
Exercise Without Exertion,
, Mark Twain occasionally makes a
grim effort to earn a reputation as
a philosopher. Recently he laid
down the dictum that; a malarial
chill has one advantage, for through
its agency, according to his concep
tion, it is a means by which “an all
wise Providence has devised a way
by which man can indulge jn exer
cise without exertion." .
Miles* * CVaa* *
are invaluable for- headache .and all
pain, I had been a great sufferer from
headache until I learned of the efficacy
of Dr. Miles’ Pain Pills. Now I always
carry them and prevent recurring at
tacks by taking a pill when the symp
toms first appear.”
Sold by oil Druggists.
Price, 25c. per Box. vV
Dr. Miles Medical Co., Elkhart, Ind.
Copies of the Congressional Rec
ord continue to come in spasmod
ically, and the contents remind us
that we still have trouble in the
Philippiaes and Cuba. . ‘ |||||
3/jull
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