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“'—| r - _ . .
InlLtAlE It
■ hooding to Act of Congress, in tire year 1850,
I n ithe Southern District of Georgia.]
jIAJOS JOUE3’ COUHTSHIP,
OR
I,fuiiircs of a Chrislmas-Ere:
I'*’ A DOMESTIC comedy,
IX TWO ACTS.
By Plaj° r Joseph Jones.
dramatis persons.
I Joseph Jones — A Georgia Rustic ,
’ U love until Mary Stallings.
hett, alias Wiggins— A pretended
1 ml le.d runaway barber from N. York.
|, £TER Jones —A country fop, and com
oft of Crotchett.
■ r f)loßVi xsd—A young Planter.
, iupson —A Pineville Constable.
biiA , i
\ed—l s P TI S y negro house servant.
‘,^ rVi —An old negro servant. •
Muif Stallings —A young country belle,
just from the Macon Female College.
Caroline and Kesiah Sisters of Mary
Stallings.
tfus. Stallings —A plain old country
lady.
JJiNAU —An old negro servant.
Pillagers, male and female.
Scf.ne —A Georgia Plantation.
Art Ist. —Scene I.—A Wood.
” >rr Major Jones, with a bridle on
his arm.
)[„jor Jones. —I do believe I’m
jjntetl. I’m gwine to have the fever
and age r; or I’ve got the prelimina
ry symptoms of the ineasels. I
never did feel so curious before in
all mv born days. All day I’m sort
o’ falcated, so I’don’t know what
Dn about, and o’ nights I have the
bomina blest night mare that ever
(rot into bed with any mortal man.
The galls all say I’m in love. But
thataint what ails me ! Love don’t
sever affect nobody lhat-a-way, or
aright tender hearted young gall
ould’nt stand it twenty four hours.
It would carry ’em of!’ like a gallopin
consumption. To be sure I have got
i sort ol hanker in alter Miss M ir y I
Stallings. Bless her dear little heart,
she always looks so enptivatin ! I’d
give the best mule on the plantation
jest to speak my mind right out to
her; but some how or other, when
ever I see her lately, my heart be
gins to go flippy-te-flap so I can’t
.ay a word to the pint to save my
life. It’s a mighty great favor to ax
of a beautiful young lad}’, when
one comes to think of it seriously ;
and yet they cail’l be expected to
be so very condescendin, it one dont
pop the question to ’em, as they call
it. And sometimes they wont mar
rvabody when you do ax ’em.—
That's the mischief of it. If 1
u 'as only certain Mary Stallings
“'ould sav yes ! But if she was
to say no! Then would’nt Ibein a
lid Ther would’nt be a tree in
the woods high enough to hang me
° 3 * I’ve been kicked by a mule
a ‘ore now, and got over it; but if
Stallings was to kick me, all
be Sands’ Sarsaparilla in Georgia
wQuid’nt save my life. Then I
‘voukl be a case shore enough. (A
bughheard without.) Hellow ! here
c °tties cousin Pete, and that bomi
nable red whiskered music-man,
Iro &i Xew-York. Birds of a feather
is a old savin and a true one.
T fer Hr. Pete?’ Jones and Air. Crotch
ett.
Dr. Peter. —Ah, cousin Joe, how
do you find yourself this evening.
Adow me to make you acquainted
wi th my friend Mr. Crotchett, from
the North. Crotchett, Major Joseph
one s, a cousin of mine.
I 1- r °tchctt . —Majaw Jones, lam ex
lUe^elyhappy to make you acquain
f3/}ce. I hope your health is good,
%avv Jones.
Alajor. —Tolerable, I thank you,
sir.
Dr.J. —Only tolerable, Joe. Poor
fellow. Let me examine your pulse.
(takes the Major's arm.) Decidedly
feverish—great nervous excitement
‘-pulse very irregular. Joe, you’re
in a bad way, old fellow.
Major. —Pshaw! Nonsense !
IH'uotfli tu Ifitmitmt, .?rtritrf niiii slrt, tljc Inns us Crnijimuirr, <!>&& jfcllnntajiqr, fttonrtj unit (Prnrrnl 3itffl%nrf.
Mr. Crotchett, I’m sorry to inform
you that the Major is in a desperate
situation.
Crotchett.—(Eyeing the Major with
his glass.) Aw! It is possible !
Dr. J. —Yes, sir, lie’s in love with
Marv Stallings.
Crotchett. —What! with that beau
tiful young eweature we saw last
evening ?
Major. — (Aside,J He’s been to
see Mary. That’s some of Pete’s
doins.
Dr. J. —Yes. His disease is of
long standing; but it has lately as
sumed a very alarming type.
Crotchett. — That’s unfortunate,
Majaw, as we must be wivals. I must
confess I’m tewiblv smitten with the
J
lady myself.
Major. —lt’s only some of Pete’s
smartness. I never said a word
about love to Mary Stallings in my
life.
Dr. J. —Then Mr. Crotchett’s a
full length abend of you !
Major.—( fFith surprise.) What!
Crotchett. —l’m before you, Majaw,
for I declared myself last night.
Major. —Eh! —what! You made
love to Mary Stallings! (Aside.) Did
I ever!
Dr. J. —lla ! ha ! ha ! Joe, your’e
behind the age. Eh! Crotchett.
Crotchett. I only declared my
admiwation of _her beauty. That
was as much as she could bear at
once, }’ou know. Ha! ha! Eh,
Doctaw.
Major. —lTa! ha! } 7 es, ha! ha!
(Aside.) I should’nt wonderifit was.
Dr. J. —Joe let me feel your pulse
again.
Major. —l’ll let you feel these ’ere
bridle reins ! (To Crotchett.) Then
you think Miss Mary’s a right nice
gall, do you, Mr. Crotchett?
Crotchett. —Decidedly. And I’m
told she has a snug little fortune,
which you know makes up for any
little deficiency of manners, educa
tion, &c\, which one must not expect
to find in the country, you know,
Doctor. I believe we promised the
ladies to call again this evening, did
we not Doctor ?
Dr.J. —Yes. Let us be going.
O O
Crotchett. —They would take it
dwead fully to heart if we disappoint
ed them. So good evening to you,
Majaw Jones.
Major. —Good evening sir.
Dr. J. —Good-by 7 , Joe, good-by.
Don’t take on, man. Console your
self, old fellow, and if your symp
toms should get worse, come to me,
and I’ll give you a Burgundy pitch
plaster to put on your bosom to
keep your heart from breaking.—
Ha !ha ! Good, by Joe. Ha! ha !
Exit Doctor Jones and Crotchett.
Major, (forcing a laugh.) Ha!
ha !■—he ! he ! It’s very funny ain’t
it. Ha! ha! Devil take that fel
ler’s imperdence I say.* I’d like to
smother the bominable cus to death
in his red whiskers, He's declared
himself to Mary Stallings, has he!
—and haint know’d her more’n
twenty-four hours! Now that’s
what I call gwine it with a rush.
It seems to me like red headed peo
ple always is monstrous fast, spe
cially in love matters. Here I’ve
been all my lifetime, a growin up in
the same hill, as a body may say,
with Mary Stallings, lovin her more
and more till I can’t hardly think of
nothing else but her, day nor night,
and yet I never could raise the
courage to tell her of it. I did’nt
use to be so very fraid of her when
we used to rob bird’s-ncsts and gath
er huckleberries together ; but ev
er sense she’s come back from that
Female College, whar she got so
much lam in, somehow my heart
gits right up in my mouth whenever
Igo to speak to her. Jest to think
haw bother me 1 I can’t!
SAVANNAH, HA., SATURDAY, MARCH A 1850.
git her out of my head day nor
night, and I can’t go nowhar but
the first thing I know I find myself
right spang up to her house. If I
go in the field after a mule, hke I did
this morning, I’m certain to find
Mary Stallings before I get back.—
All, if it was only as easy to put
the bridle on her, as it is to find her !
But the gals is so skittish; they’re
like young colts—they’ll caper all
about one, and be ever so gentle ;
but jest show ’em the bridle, and
up flies ther heels and away they go,
before one can say whoa ! to ’em.—
But 1 aint a gwine to dilly dally no
longer. I’ll go and see Miss Mary
this very 7 evening, and ding my
buttons if I leave her till 1 have
the business settled hard and fast.
[Exit Major.
Scene IT —A plain parlor, with chairs,
table, fyc. Mary Stallings discov
ered sewing.
Mary Stallings. —Heigh ho ! Pin
very tired (throws down her work.) I
won’t sew another stitch this even
ing, so I won’t. What strange
ways these old people do have.* I
do believe mother never thinks of
anything else but work, work, work,
all the time ; as if we only 7 lived to
work, and there was no other ra
tional way of enjoying ourselves in
this life. Now, for my part I have
a great deal else to employ my mind
about. For instance there are the
fashions, my music lessons, the la
test new novel, and—and—and—
and above all my old beau, my dear,
good, bashful Joseph. He used
to love me once, 1 know he did, and
if he aint the stupidest fellow in the
world, lie knows I love him too. —
He’s not so very handsome, to be
sure, but then lie’s so kind, so gen
erous and so brave. 1 know he’d
make a dear husband, and one of
the best of fathers. But, perhaps,
since I’ve been away to school so
long, and he’s got to be a Major,
he’s forgot his old sweetheart, as he
used to call me, and is looking for
someone of more consequence than
poor Mary Stallings. Heigh ho ! 1
wish I could think of some way to
try him. To he sure, he’s been to
see me two or three times since I
came home; but lie’s been shyer
than ever, and not one word has he
said about love. But that’s the way
with the men, out of sight out of
mind with them ; and I only won
der that we women are such fools
as to love them at all.
Enter Mrs. Suitings.
Mrs. Stallings. —Thar you are a
gain child, moping instead of do
ing your work. Why, what upon
airth ails you, my daughter ? I nev
er seed you act so quare before.—
I’m afraid you haint got much good
of your schoolin if you larnt to do
nothing but be melancholy from
mornin til night, and mope and sigh,
and talk poetry, as you’ve been a
doin ever sense you come home.
What is the matter with you, child ?
Mary. —Nothing much, mother,
only I’m tired sewing so much.—
Too much confinement never did
agree with me vou know, and be
sides I don’t feel very well this even
ing.
Mrs. S. —You don’t feel very
well! Whar hurts you dear? (ca
ressing her.)
Mary. —(laying her hand upon her
heart) Right here mother.
Mrs. S. —Dear me ! I hope you
ain’t gwine to have the heart dis-
O
ease. Poor thing.
Mary. —Yes 1 am mother, that’s
just what ails me.
Mrs. S. —Poor dear !
Mary. —I can feel it just as plain
as anything.
Mrs. S. —Dear me ! We must
! send for Dr. Jones.-
Mary. — (Aside) I’d rather sec
Joseph Jones.
Mrs. S. —And he’ll give you some
docter’s stuff'to cure you.
Alary. —lf I get no better mother.
(Aside) One word from my dear
Joe would be worth all lhe nasty
drugs in the world.
Mrs. S. —How long have you felt
the symptoms child ?
Mary. —Oh a long time mother ;
but they’ve been getting worse since
I came from school.
Mrs. S. —Dear me ! And never
told your poor old mother a word
about it. That was very wrong. Bui
don’t take on child ; you’ll be better
hi me by. Put away your work and
take a walk in the garden, and to
night I’ll give you some yarb tea.
Some horehoun and cum fry root
will he good fpr you.
Enter Caroline and ‘Kesiah
Caroline. —Oh sister, Dr. Peter
Jones and that new music rnan from
New York, are coming up the lane,
lhey’ll be here in a minute.
Mary. — (Aside.) These apes! I
detest them.
Mrs. S. —Hity-tity, galls ! did you
never see nobody from New York
before, that y 7 ou must make such a
to-do about him, and larrify your
poor sister half out of her senses,
when she’s almost dead with the
heart disease, Poor thing ! Whar
hurts you now, dear?
Alary. —l feel some better now
Mother.
Kesiah. —Yes, but mother, Mr.
Crotchett’s a very great gentleman,
and they say he’s dreadful rich. His
father’s got ever so many water
powers in New Jersey.
‘'Mary. — (Aside.) Water bubbles !
Mrs. S.— Water powers! and
what upon airlli’s water powers ? I
spose they’re some new Yankee in
vention to cheat people out of ther
money. Well, I don’t believe in
’em. But put the room to rights
galls, to receive the gentlemen.
Your poor sister’s sick.
(Mrs. S. and the girls busy themselves
in putting the room in order.)
Alary. —Now I think I can make
some use of. this New York fop.
The Doctor is an old admirer and
quite vain arid conceited enough
for my purpose; but he is a near
relative of Joseph’s, and a flirtation
with him might be attended with
serious consequences. Therefore, I
dare not encourage him. But I may
use this new comer with impunity;
and if I can only excite the jealousy
of him I love, by seeming to favor
the addresses of a rival, I shall be
able to test the sincerity of his feel
ings towards me, and force him
from the reserve which is so per
plexing to my hopes. (A knock at
the door.) But here they come.—
Now, Molly Stallings, for your arts.
Enter Dr. Jones and Air. Crotchett.
Dr. J. —Good evening ladies.
Crotchett. —Avery good evening
to you, my deaw ladies. (Boivs very
low to each of the young ladies,but takes
no notice of Mrs. S., who observes him
as she sits with her knitting.
Mrs. S. — (Aside.) Water-powers
aint no gentleman, that’s plain.
Mary. —Be seated gentlemen.
(Crotchett takes a chair near Alary,
ivhile the Doctor converses with the
girls.)
Crotchett. —Aw, 1 hope my deaw
Miss Mawy that vour health is good
this evening.
O
Mary. —Very good, I thank you,
Mr. Crotchett.
Mrs. S. —Forgot her heart disease
a’ready. Oh, these galls! these
galls! -
Crotchett.— My fwiend, the Doctaw,
proposed to take a dwive; but I told
him that nothing could dwive me
away from the ladies. Ha! ha!
You must know Miss Mawy that I’m
a gweat ladies man, I am.
Mary. —So I perceive. (Aside.)
A perfect poodle.
Mrs. S.— Not to have no more res
pect for old people. He couldn’t
never had any breedin that’s clear.
Alary.— l hope, Mr. Crotchett, you
have spent your time agreeably in
the village.
Crotchett. —Only tolerably, I thank
you, my deaw Miss. The countwy
is exceedingly dull to one who has
been accustomed all his life to the
gay city, and the best of metwopol
itan society.
Mrs. S. —l thought so. I know’d
he’d been livin among the metropol
itans or some other tribe of Ingins.
Crotchett. —lf it wcie not for the
ladies, bless the deaw eweatures, for
they are angels every where—if it
wasn’t For the ladies, I don’t think 1
could survive the depwivations of
countwy life.
Mary. —You are yet a stranger in
Pineville, Mr. Crotchett. When you
have become better acquainted with
us, I hope you will be better con
tented. We have our country en
joyments, if we have not the luxu
ries of the city.
Crotchett. —Aw, Miss, you do not
know what it is to enjoy life. You
have nothing here to compensate for
the opewa, the theatres, the fancy
balls, and fashionable parties of the
city. Indeed, Miss Mawy, I wonder
how you can content yourself thus
out of the world as it were —a young
lady like you, of such rare accom
plishments, whose beauty would
adorn the first circles of fashionable
society.
Alary. —Oh, sir, I perceive you
are a flatterer. (-4 side) It Joo weie I
only here now.
Crotchett.--Rot at all miss, I as
sure yoii, upon my honor. In all
my twavelsl have never met ayoung
lady who inspired in my heart such
sentiments of admiwation and—
Alary. —Oh, indeed sir, you are
jesting at my expense. (Aside.) If
Joe could only hear that! (A knock
at the door.)
Caroline. —( Going to the door.)
Come in !
Enter Alajor Junes.
Ala j or. —Good even in to you all.
Good evenin, Mrs. Stallins.
All except Alary and- Crotchett . —
Good evening, Major.
(As the Alajor shakes hands with Airs.
S., she drops her ball of yarn, the
Alajor picks it up and gives it to her.)
Mrs. S.— Thank you, Joseph.
Thank you, son. (Aside.) Thar’strue
Georgia politeness for you. How’s
yer mother, Joseph?
Major. —She’s well as usual,
thank you. ( Observes Alary and
Crotchett who arc engaged in dose
conversation.)
Airs. S. —l raly must go over and
see Nancy one of these days.
Alajor. —Thar’s that red whisker
ed cus sure enough, sitting up to
Mary like he had the license in his
pocket. Was ther ever sich in
surance !
Airs. S. —Mary, child, here’s Jo
seph cum. You mought treat old
acquaintances with a little more po
liteness.
Alan/.-Good evening, Major Jones
(with dignity) (Crotchet bows stiffly to
the Alajor.)
Alajor. —I hope you’re very well,
Miss Mary. (Alary bows coldly and
resumes her conversation with Crotchett)
(Aside) Alajor Jones ! Mary Stallins
to say that to me ! And she sed it as
dignified as if she was speakin to a
fifth corporal, too, I never seed her
act so before.
Voice Off. —Ole Misses ! Ole Mis
ses !
Mrs. S. —Them niggers !
[Exit Airs. Stallings.
1 Dr. J.—Well Joes how are your
symptoms by this time? You see
we’re abend of you, and as they
say in Congress, the gentleman
from New York has the floor. Let
me feel your pulse.
Major. — Git out with yerbomiua
ble nonsense. Nothingaint the mat
ter with me.
Caroline.— lndeed, Joseph, you do
look dreadful bad.
Dr. J. —i’ll have to apply the
plaster, Joe.
Major. —You better put it on yer
own head then.
Mary. —l hope nothing serious is
die matter with the Major?
Major. —Not by no means, I thank
you. Ha, ha ! I never felt better in
my life. (Crotchctt and Mary leave
their seats and go up , still in conversa
tion j (Aside) llow close that feller
does stick to Mary, and she seems
to be mightily tuck up with his gab,
too. What on airth does she mean ?
Crotchctt.—(leading Mary down to
the company) Miss Mawy and my
self have been talking of the scien
ces of phwenologv and magnetism.
Doctaw, I think Miss Mawy has a
finely developed head. The intel
lectual organs predominate decided
>y-
Dr. J. —Ah, indeed.
Crotchctt . —Yes, permit trie Mis >
Mawy, and I will point out the or
gans that decide your character.
Major (manifesting gnat uneasi
ness)! don’t believe in freenology
myself.
Crotchctt. —Ab, very likely. Some
people do not. 1 should judge Ma
jaw, by your head, that you were mi
believer in the science.
Major. —You would, would you?
Maybe you lhink my bead’s rat he f
soft.
Crotchctt.—On the contrary 1
should take your head to be deci
dedly bard.
Dr. J.—Ha, ha ! Joe, lie hits you
rather hard. But never mind, let
us have some experiments.
Crotchctt.- Allow me, Miss Mawy,
to measure the breadth of your
head, ( Places his hand on Mary's head
who shrinks from his touch) Caution
large, tune full, ideality very large.
Major (Aside) Cus me, if he aint
feelin her ! I can’t stand no sicH
Joins! (approaches and thrusts his head
before Mary) Here, feel my head if
you want to find bumps.
All laughing. —\es, feel the Ma-
O O
jor’s head and tell us if he’s easy
to be jealous (Crotchctt hesitates and
loolcs at the Major's head through his
glass.)
The Girls.- Oh yes, Mr.Crotchett,
do 1
Major --Go ahead. You needn’t
be afraid, you won’t find no Free-
Soilers in my bead.
Crotchctt. —But I thoughtyou did’nt
believe in the science of phrenology;
Major. —No more I don’t. And
Iblieve a ding’d sight less in them
infernal vagabonds what go about
through the country feelin young
lady’s heads, and talkin all sort of
nonsense in ther ears.
Mary. — (to Caroline ) I’ve struck
the right cord Sister; Joe’s as jealous
as he can live.
Caroline. —To be sure he is.—
Didn’t I say lie loved you as much
as ever.
Dr. J. —Crotchctt, perhaps Joe
would make a better magnetic sub
ject, suppose you try him.
The Girls. —Oh yes, Mr. Crotch
ett, do magnetise him.
Mary. —Yes, I would like to see
him under the magnetic influence.
Major. —Would you, Miss Alary ?
Mary. —lndeed 1 would.
Crotchctt. —I’ve been under th
influence myself for the last hall
hour. So near you, Miss Mawy, who
‘could resist the powerful attraction*
NUMBER 3;