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Y BEST HUMOR, MOV1NC PICTURES, VAUDEVILLE. (CAN JTIiAHTM.' CAA,., SUNDAY. MAY 4, MSS. A Suggestion If You Can’t Attend to Work and See the National Game, Move Your Place of Business Into the Grand Stand By T. E. POWERS, the Famous Cartoonist Ponies and Carts! Where is the boy or girl who wouldn't like to drive one of them. The Sunday American and the Georgian are Giving Them Away Rhymes Without Reason By J. J. Leibson. Copyright. 1018. by tha 8tor Company Great Britain Right* K^aarrad. S ING a song of sixpence, A pocket full of oats; Four and twenty women Clamoring for votes. When Parliament was opened They didn’t do a thing— It isn’t such an easy job These days to be a King; The King was in his counting house, They blew up all his money; The Queen she wept because they mixed Some mustard with her honey. The maids were in the garden And—what do you suppose?— They grabbed the old Prime Minister And dragged him by the nose. * * * L ITTLE BO-PEEP has lost her sleep, And would you know the reason? She turkey - trots throughout the night, Both in and out of season. * * * S OLOMON GRUNDY; Born on a Monday; Christened on Tuesday; Married on Wednesday; Still wed on Thursday; The same on Friday; Ditto on Saturday; No change on Sunday. Well, THAT was the end Of Solomon Grundy * * * •THERE was a young woman who lived in a shoo 1 Of black patent leather and size number two. She looked most unhappy; she couldn’t walk straight; And neither could you, with a foot number eight. * * * P ETER, Peter, lunch-house eater, Had a wife and thought he’d treat her; He took her to the Automat, Where nickels buy you this and that. * * * M ARY had a little lamb, With French peas on the side; But when the waiter brought the check Poor Mary nearly died. Lew Oockstader’s Just a Few of the Great Blackfaced Comedian’s Fund of Stories. Copyright, lt>18, by th« Star Company. Great Britain Right* Reserved OR the sake of all fair-minded poultry—be they hens, chickens or squabs—that may be in the audience, let me say at the start that my Uncle Jawge is not against marriage. He’s up against it. So you’ll all bear with me. when I confide to you that Uncle Jawge is inclined to drink—especially after he’s had a dozen or so. His wife makes Emmy Pank- kurst look as gentle as the plaintive bulbul bird. Uncle Jawge is a good mixer. He’s stood and watched bar tenders for hours at a time, and although ne may drink, I don’t want you to think that he drinks all the time. I’ve seen him sleep. Now Luther Burbank is supposed to be the greatest grafter in the world. He can squeeze a bunch of grapes together and make a grape fruit out of ’em. Well, believe me, Uncle Jawge can make a lemon out of Luther Burbank. The New York cops will never control the graft trust while Uncle is alive. He calls himself Municipal Booze Sampler, and he wears five stars to show his authority. Then he goes around and tests the bottles to see whether they’ve been refilled. And when Uncle Jawge gets his foot on the third rail and gets set for his day’s work it takes as many as five bouncers to get him out of the place by 1 a. m. The day before Uncle Jawge got back from the war he buried his left leg. He said he lost it in the can non's mouth. The artillery boys had busted their ram rod, and as they were in pressing need for another. Uncle Jawge volunteered his leg. Well, to make a long story exciting, the cannon ball had a premature birth, and Uncle Jawge went away from there! But I think that’s an exploded idea. My opinion is that somebody had just bought a drink, and when the t rue came for the re-treat, Uncle was shot trying to esc so he wouldn’t have to buy. Anyhow, Uncle Jawge came right to me as soon as he got back and asked me if I knew anything about legs. As soon as I saw that he was serious I agreed *o get a good leg for him. He wondered if I’d iuio a good leg if I saw one. I said I’d go and saw, an; way. So I sawed the leg off a baby grand p'. and strapped it onto Uncle He v.v.s dellgh'c-d with the shape cause it matched bis oilier leg so well. Now right here I must Bay a word about Uncle Jawge’s teeth. Of course you know all teeth are di vided into two classes, born teeth and teeth by proxy. Most of Uncle's born teeth have gone to rest, end on this particular morning when I strapped on Uncle’s new-made leg he Just happened to have the entire wreath of his would-be teeth in his hip pocket. Well. 1 forgot to saw the castor off that black walnut piano leg, the floor was slippery, and Uncle never was at home on roller skates anyhow. It's pretty hard luck if Uncle Jawge gets hydrophobia because his own teeth snapped at him. So I had to get Uncle Jawge another leg. 1 made it out of sugar maple. Oh, hut it was a handsome leg. I showed it to a manager of a burlesque theatre, and he said of all the Bhows he had ever put on he had never, in a ll his experience, seen a better, more fasci- TRULY ('opyritflt, 1913, by the SUr Oamp.nr GnM Britain Bights Its*erred YOUNG man proposed marriage one day, while on a straw ride, to a very charming farmer’s daughter. “Minnie,” he said, "would ye like to marry me an’ be Missus Ruben Rountree?” "No, sir, I won't be Missus Rountree or any other neither. I ain’t never goin’ to be married,” she said seriously. "Ha! ha! Never'goin’ to be married! Huh, that’s what they all say. but you’ll notice they’re STILL building school bouses,” said Ruben, with some force. • • • A GENTLEMAN was walking through the negro portion of an American town, when he came across a woman unmercifully beating a little boy. "Here, my good woman." he said, seizing her by the arm, "you must not do that. What has he done, anyway?" "Mustn’t do that! What has he done?" ejaculated the enraged negress. "If you want to know, he’s been and lef’ de chicken hous’ do’ open, an’ all d!m chickens got out.’’ "Well, that is not so serious,” said the gentleman, soothingly; "chickens always come home to roo3t.” Merry Minstrel Monologue nating—-well, that just shows you what a good leg it was. But alas! (you know, alas is what you say when sump’n’s busted) no sooner had poor Uncle Jawge started to walk around with the best leg he ever had in his life, than some mean man, utterly devoid of all sympathy, drove a nail Into that sugar-maple leg, hung a bucket on it, and drew out all the sap! Now I ask you, what can any leg do with its very life-blood drawn out. The only thing left for me to do was to buy an automobile, because poor Uncle Jawge was stumped and he just had to have his exercise. So I took the hundred dollars Uncle Jawge had saved up from his pension. We paid $100 down and a dollar a week as long as Uncle Jawge lives. You see that proposition works all right because the company made Uncle Jawge make over his life insurance policy in their favor. Well, they sold us a car, gave us a 70-page book, and told us to go ahead. That book had two pages of instructions on how to run the machine and 68 pages on first aid to the injured. 1 looked at the rules and they said first push down lever A and then lever be. Uncle Jawge grew impatient while I was reading the rules. He leaned over and pushed down all the levers, and WE WENT AWAY FROM THERE! The speedometer went all the way around the indicator until it registered a hundred and twenty-five miles aD hour, and then started on the second lap. Uncle Jawge bounced up into the air, and when he came down I saw he had his whole leg wrapped around tbe tail- light. The portion of his partial leg that still re mained he Just let wave. We must have hit a Little Rock In Arkansaw and traveled through the air for a few hundred miles, be cause I never knew where we were after that until we struck Lousyanna. I wouldn’t have known it was i-ousyanna except that we nearly got stuck in mo lasses going through New Orleans. I saw then that we were headed for the Gulf of Mexioo. I was afraid of getting a chill if we were engulfed, because I felt rather warm just then, so I turned her aside. In a few minutes we had knocked the top off [Pike’s Peak. We went through the horizon twice. Well, we never stopped until we landed on a mnd flat near tbe State House in Albany. They've been throwing a lot of mud up there lately and that’s what stopped us. I looked at my watch and it was Just nineteen minutes and thirty-seven seconds since we had left Chicago. I figured that we rode about a thousand miles a second because we beat our shadow by three hours. RURAL YARNS- "“Truly Rural Girl” in Vaudeville "Come home!” snorted the woman; "dem chickens will ali go home!” • • • HE colonel came down to breakfast New Year’s morning with a bandaged hand. "Why, colonel, what’s the matter?” they asked. “Confound it all!” the colonel answered, "we had a little party last night, and one of the younger men got intoxicated and stepped on my hand.” • * * R UNNING from the Mexican border to San Antonio is a railroad known as the Inter national and Gulf Northern. At a way station, when the train arrived, stood a group of plainsmen, who gazed admiringly at the new loco motive with its bright gold letters, I. & G. N., printed on the tender. "Say, Bill.” said a tall fellow, turn ing to a companion, "ain’t that a durned funny way tub spell injuu?” A YOUNG lady from the corn belt was advised tha/t she had all the qualities of a great voice. Of course these good friends had only heard her call the chickens, cows and the farm hands to dinner, but there was something there they said that bespoke a “grand opree ca reer.” So Tillie took lessons every Sat urday morning from the district piano tuner. Then she came on to the big city. She was given a spot on a vaudeville bill about No. 8. How she "went’’ will not be chron icled right here. It Is enough to say that the manager A her < STATION of the house came back and said: “I’m sorry. Miss Sprout, but I’ll have to cancel your engagement.” "What’s the matter?” asked our heroine, "didn't my natural-born contralto fill the theatre?” "Yes, my dear lady,” he said, sadly, "and ALSO the lobby!” • • • T IE teacher had written on the blackboard the Bentenoe: “The toast was drank in silence," and turned to her class for them to discover th* mistake. Little Bennie Sheridan waved his hand frantically, and, going to the board, scrawled the correction: "The toast was ate in silence.” • • * A MAN with a very red face met a friend on the street and the following conversation took place: "You look warm.” "Yes, been chasing a hat.” "Did your hat blow off?” “It wasn’t my hat, it belonged to someone else— there was a pretty girl under it.” "Did you catch it?” ’’! should say I DID, My WIFE paw me eliding - it!"