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II KARST'S SUNDAY \MERl(\\v. ATI VXTA CIA.. KrviiAY. MAY 4. 3 CL 1^1 FftOM THE JOLLY SUM BEAM CO. Sa^ Told me To Come in hepe and <fET a COAT AT WHOLESALE PRICE lN\ FROM the Jolly SUN BEAM CQ SAM Told ME I COULD Q-ET A I ^COAT AT WHOLESALE PRICE J XM FROM THE Jolly sunbeam co. SAM SAYS I SHOULD QET A COAT HERE x AT WHOLE SALE PRICE J IM From the Jolly sunbeam co, 5AM Told ME I could qET A COAT AT WHOLE SALE PRICE - - r—r':, NOTHIHQ ^HOl_Y SMOKErx ALL RIQHT qo OUT SIDE AND PICKOHE . OUT ^ Boy; DONT LET ANY More of those Women in HERE To day: j fLiqoTo Hi5 Home, I'M qoiNqioFlNDouT WHArTWS AAEAN5 , KNOPF & CO I HAVE A w LETTER FROM 5AM. r Sorry lady, Sam Save-all the coats AWAY J « - *. v — ■ ■• WHERE IS SAW? TE-EAS. BUT HE'S ASLEEP THIS Must bethe PLACE 5AM SAID IT WAS No, 643 .w!iivL 'Mot Necessarily’ Oil* of the Songs jn "PANAMAN1A," the Annual Show of the Harvard Has.y Pudding Club. ' "iJjnshi. .vl:;, by tb. Star Oonayany. ‘.rear Britain Rights liwertah. ▼ 5E the victim of an aigument. And ev’ry time I try 1 o prove my theory to somebody I get live lingers in the eye. I was sweepin’ here the other day, When a gemman come by me, I swop him wif a broom like this. And he turned round angrily. 1 hat fellow got real mad at me. Punch d rne in the beak! Then I just did chastise that man. The dog-gone little sneak. Should I have stood right up to him And turned the other cheek? Not necessarily. I was in a tight place jes' las' week. But really 'twan’t ma fault; You can’t considah me respons’ble Cause I’d lapped up so much malt. I was standin’ outside the boozery When I had had ma fill— An’ a sporty dame walked by an’ droppid A twenty dollah bill. I put ma foot down on that bill As quickly as I might. I couldn’t hardly wait to see That gal get out of sight. Now, should I have followed her t« do The thing you all think right? Not necessarily. Ma wife, she is s deep brunefe, (jes bear that fact in mind. Because 'twill be important in The verdict you must find); 1 went to see a little gal, With a lightr shade of hair. And when wife found one on ma coat, She had me then fo’ fair. She asked me point blank to explain . fes’ where I'd been that night. I hemrceo an hawed an’ hemmed again. But kep ma mouth shut tight. Now. "hould I ?iy fellin’ her have risked Ma chance to hc.-.llh an' sight? Not -!icccs;,.iiiy. "--*4 Sam Then Someone Prayed. A number of clergymen were dis cussing the character of a venerable woman whom they esteemed to be wise in her generation, but a young man who was present said it struck him that she showed great lack of wisdom in one respect. “What is that, pray?” inquired an elderly gentleman. Why,” said thq young man, “she always puts out her tubs to catch soft water when it is raining hard. ' And sllencs fell upon the assem bly. No Chance to Win. ‘I couldn't get out of marrying tier," Heupeck explained. 'rtVhen she proposed she said. Will you marry me? Have you any objec tion'." You see. no .matter whether I said 'Yes* or ‘No.’ she had me." "Why didn’t you Just keep silent, then?" inquired his friend. ‘.'That's what t did, and alie said, 'Silence gives consent,' and that ended It." JUST FOR FUN outright, 1913, by tin star Onpuy. REMINISCENT PARROT. A GENTLE and pious otd tailor Bought a parrot once owned by a sailor. When the dominie called He was really appalled, And the tailor grew paler and paler. WITH 8ITTING. rpEACHER— John, give mo a sentence containing’ the word “notwithstanding." John—“The man's trousers were worn out, not with standing.” OH, MERSEYI rpHERE was once a young fellow named Kersey, Who went for a walk in New Jersey, But he never returned, And they afterward learned That mosquitoes like meat in New Jersey. ODE BY A CONFESSED PESSIMIST S OME folks have cattle on a hundred hills, And some folks don’t. Some folks start fires with hundred dollar bills, And some folks don’t. Prosperitee its’s plain to see is very much on hand—i.e. Some folks have all they want—but ME— I don’t. SHORT STORY WITH HAPPY ENDING. M ISER JONES climbed into bed "To-morrow,” he chuckled, "I’ll turn Wldder Smith out of her cottage, and serve eviction papers on Henry Johnson, and hev that Ransom boy sent to the Reformatory for stealing my apples, and git Law yer Htoks to draw up a will cutting off my daughter with ten cents and leaving the rest of the money to the Society for Killing Stray Cats. Ever since I took to that mushroom diet I been saving an awful lot on my eating expenses, though, of course, I suppose 1 don’t gather al! they is on the place. But I wouldn't throw away my money buying a mushroom book. Them mushrooms 1 et to-night tasted awful funny, but I guess if 1 Just go to sleep I'll be feeling all right to-morrow.” , HENRIETTA’S OFFENSE. A TIFE1N, OHIO, man once discovered in ambush a sad-faced little girl with a fistful of mud. She was standing in a sheltered corner of a grocery store and was from to time peering sround down the street. Ipj are *ou »tUu, tor, little girt." asked the inau. Unit Britain Right* Rr—rtr-1 "Henrietta.” “What'a Henrietta done?" asked the man. with a significant glance at the mud in the child's hand. "Nothin’. Don’t you know sha'e Queen of the May?” NOSE BETTER NOW. A N amateur dramatic club put on the play of “Caste.” In the laat act old man Eoklca is sup posed to be a hopeless drunkard, with a big red nose. This chap, not having a papier-mache nose, built one up of cotton and Bplrit gum. Spirit gum is made of ether. When old Eckles went to light his pipe he also lighted his nose. “Oh. doctor!" AT BAY—OVER THE BAY. XJE wae returning from an evening at the Authors’ and Actors' Club. The hour was late and. poa- sibly because of weariness, his legs seemed some what unsteady With difficulty he made hts way Inside and had Just succeeded tn crowding his hat undeT the sofa and hanging his shoes upon the halltree, when a voice from above called, "Arthur!" "Yesh, m’dear!" "Are you not ashamed to come home In thla con dition?” "Whish condishon?” "You know well enough. You are Intoxicated.” "Thatsh a libel, woman. Never mors sober-ber-ber In m' life." "Arthur, say ‘chrysanthemum."' (Prolonged pause.) "M’dear—Pm drunk." NO USE FOR QUININE. TTOWSO—What are you doing for your cold? Soso—Taking the open-air treatment. Breathing lots of oxrgen during the day. Howso—What do you breathe at night? 8o»o- Nigh trogen THESE FUNNY WORLDS. T HIS is an aggravating work], ’Tli neither sound nor nioa; It’s either hot as—hot can be— Or else it’s cold as ice. And should we try another one, No more in peace we’d dwell; 'T would either be as cold as ice. Or else as hot as—hot can be. COUNT8 HIM OUT. A NY rather knows that lt’a th« lit He ^ungs count. that) I l Don't know"' BoSS. HE DoE5NT answer, his telephone V ^—J A blow fly never allows any other social insect to approach him without telling him what a great man he (the blow fly) is, how wealthy he is, how smart ne is, what a gay dog he is, how smart hts children are. how handsome his stenog rapher Is, or something like that But a full-fledged blow fly never praises his Wife or gives her any credit—he buzzes only” concerning himself. Sometirr/es these pests may be exterminated wl’h a magic sentence, guch a s. "Well, pay me ’tint $30 you have owed for three years." or. "Y s. I .saw you sweeping out the t office as I stepped In to police* ’ha' $1".'”'0 our boss owes me." ,pl\ “Etrfoffe' You were never out of Cochwco County until you came here!" i Drummer- By T. E. POWERS, the Famous Cartoonist Copyright, 1913, by the Star Ouarpany. Greet Britain Rights Reserved. WILD INSECTS Copyright. 1913. by the Star OanvpMiy. By I. M. STUNG, the Eminent Social Entomologist. The Bottle Fly. T HE bottle-fly, ladies and gentlemen. Is one of our com mon insects. It might be classed with the pests. A full grown bottle fly covers a wide range, but may be found in larger numbers around cafes, buffets, bar* rooms, sideboards and slhiilar fields. It belongs to the “Souslum" family. It Is not an aquatic Insect, water being something it generally avoids, although in its younger days it some times takes a little water on the side. When the bottle fly first appears it has no marks to dis tinguish it from other social flies, except, perhaps, it clings to the bottle in infancy in a rather prophetic manner. The full-fledged bottle fly, however, Is easily distinguished by means of its bright red proboscis, mottled appearance, er ratic movements, and irregular habits. The fully developed bottle fly takes little solid food, but possesses a chronic thirst and drinks practically everything containing spirits and malt except, perhaps, perfumes and gasoline. The perfectly developed and mature bottle fly may be detected by Its constant aversion to water. The average bottle fly is received in society for a con siderable period, but they are ultimately cast oui because of their unsociable habits and their habit of kicking in win dows or smashing hats or chucking strange ladies under the chin. Some bottle flies, it has been said, are podred back in the bottle after they die. This la a stage Joke, however. They seldom have such iuek. The Lady-Bug. T HIS insect Is as varied aa the feminine sex can vary, and that, of course, is the limit of variation. The genuine lady-bug, so-called because they call them selves ladies, may be found in large numbers at teak, re ceptions, parties, tours, bridge parties, etc. In fact, the lady-bug of this social variety is found almost everywhere except in her home or with her children. She is a strictly social Insect, covering a wide range of countries. She is of the genus called ‘‘Vanium." She is the most violent in the United States, but more aggressive in Europe. In England the lady-bugs are fast dying out. The lady-bug, although attractive, is really a vicious little InBect without the least mother instinct or a soul for domestic lify. Long ago, one of our best known poets wrote a moat touching lyric concerning a lady-bug who was chattering at a rose tea while her home burned up and her children were destroyed. She had not become a lady-bug early enough, which accounts for the children. You will doubtless remem ber the wonderful and soul-stirring i>oem, nr; friends, as it begins as follows "Lady-bug, lady-bug, fly awaj home ■ I HAVE MET Great Britain llishts Kcwried. The lady-bug is a great chatterer, saying vain nothings at teas and receptions, but talking most viciously about ber acquaintances behind their backs. The lady-bug of ancient and proud family is not so vicious, and vulgar, and vindic tive as the lady-bug developed from sudden riches. Lady- bugs cause envy, jealousies and dissatisfaction in life and are a menace to our entomological social world. The Blow Fly. Y OU all have heard, ladies and gentlemen, of the blow fly. There are both male and female blow flies, but doubt less the male species exceed. They are common everywhere. Frequently they are more than common being plentiful. They belong to that social insect family, the "Swelled- headium.” The blow fly is not really a dangerous social insect; he is a bit of a pest and quite bothersome. During working hours he is net so bad, but during social hours he’s the limit, j One blow fly has been known to innoculate an entire club room with ennui for an hour. This popular (with himself) social insect can always be spotted by a loud buzzing sound. Frequently his buzzing gets to be something like this: 'My-auto-ts-tho-begtzzzzzzz.” "The-boss-saidT-was-the-smartest-man-in-the-officezzzzzzzz." "I - can drink-more-and-keep-soberer-than any o her-man-in- Aiuericazzzzzzzzzz.” "She-told-everyone-I-was-a-perfeotAdonisz7zzzzzz'" This buzzing sound varies to almost every shade of topic known to conversation. SMILES! Henry Was Useful. ‘‘Henry,’* said hia father-in-law, as he called his daughter’s spouse into the library and locked the door, “you have lived with roe now for over two years " “Yee, father.” “Tn all that time I haven't asked you a penny for board.” “No, sfr*’—wondering^. "In all your Tlttie family quarrel* I have always taken your part and decided in your favor.” “Always, sir.” “I have even paid some of veur bills.” "A good many, father." “And in every way helped von to get along.” “You have been very kind, air.” “I have tried to be. ray boy. and I hope you appreciate it.” “I do, At." “Then the small favor I am about to ask of you will no doubt be granted?” “Moat certaLniy. air " “Thanks. When l want you to tel! your mother-in-law that these tickets for the French dance which she picked up in my room this morning must have accidentally fallen out of your pocket, and we’ll call it square!” the