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Cherry Valley Notes By Old Joe Bigger. H erb merrill is an bunged up. Comin home frum Cleve land he swallered his ticket, and wouldn't pay ernuther fare. The conductor punched him all over, eo b he wouldn't miss the ticket. A 15 cent circus wuz In our midst Saturday. The manager told me he didn’t, expect tew make a for tune at that price, but that be hoped tew git some winter quar ters. Dave Hulett hex hed hla otter- mobyle engine apart for two weeks lookin for the dead center, what he sez must be all worn out, for evry time it gits round to that place the hull machine stops runnln. The travelln agent he got her frum writ him and sed that wuz what's the matter. Matilda Musk can't take part in the barefoot Snfraglst.s t&balew. She dropt a angel food cake she baked when she wuz takln It out of the oven, brulaln it sumthln awful. After .Tune, Hepsln Drake will he able tew take a rest. He’s bin allfired busy workin his son’s way through eolege. Jim Mulk, who her, played evry- thlng In our sliver cornet band. Is goin in fer sumthln new to spring on us. He hez sent tew Noo York fer a set of shoe horns what he seen advertised. Ain’t It pesky annoyln to hev a fergitful reckerlectlon ? Ylsterdy when 1 wuz glvln a feller a ride In my 20 horse power runnerbout he a st me if 1 hed cranked her afore we started, and for the life for me 1 couldn’t tell. So I stopt her and done It We cain’t hev no meetlns In our church fer two Sundays. The wife of Deacon Masters cum upon Rev. Salters sudden like when he wuz workin In his garden Jest after he had put a large piece of flnecut In his mouth, and when she tried tew talk tew him he motioned that he had the mumps. A feller In the Little Gem Res taurant foilnd a pearl In a egg. Old Man Toner hez bln eatln eggs there three times a day since. He sez he j>eleeves thats what makes him want tew set so much. A Case of Phoney Telepathy— T ill] scene is the home of the Claykangers in Atlanta. Mr. Clayhanger is in an irritable state of mind urn the failure of a pel financial scheme, which, had it turned out tin■ wap he expected, would have enabled him to matte a large payment on a racing ear. As affairs stand, he can novo make but a small Bailment. Mrs. Claphanger comes in breezily. The hour Is one in the afternoon. M RS. C.—Good afternoon, d'-ar. (Kisses him lightly.) MR. C. (Without great joy)—Gafter- noon. MRS. C. (Coming at once to the thought in her mind)—-Joslah, would you mind letting me have some money? I’m going shopping this afternoon with Mrs. Kushmore. She Is to call for me with her machine at two. MR. C.—My dear Marla, you must think I have a private minting muclilne downtown! I gave you thirty dollars no less than three days ago. MRS. C. (Quietly)—And 1 bought u mattress with It to stop your complaints. I need a few you spend about twice as much us you ought to. (Mrs. V. sighs a resigned sigh and takes off Ine hat. Slo has cxpitcd that Josinh would in ive. her request in just this manner. In fail, before she left Mrs. Kushmore, she indi cated to that lady that if she succeeded In gouging any money from her devoted husband it would In: over his unconscious form. Further more, Mrs. <'. knows that Mr. C. contemplates making a payment on a canny car, which ob ject she considers ridiculous and unnecessary to the Clay hanger joy. t-hc knows that at the precise moment of their conversation Mr. <:. has fifty or sixty dollars In his pocket and that this money will In: lavished upon the sinful racing car unless she prevents it. She comes out of hue bedroom, sits down at a table and begins a game of solitaire. Mr. C., overcome s w ith a feeling of deep guilt, tries to hide be hind his newspaper.) MRS. C. (After placing the cards in silence for ten minutes)- My dear, did you ever stop to think of the wouderful power of the human mind ? MR. C. (Relieved that the subject hits chang- clothes, and you are badly In need of hosiery, shirts and underwear. You are getting to be a positive skinflint, Joslali. You have plenty of money. MR. C. (Earnestly and without particular truth)—Indeed, Maria, I ntn actually hard up. I’vn never seen money so tight. Can’t you pul off this shopping expedition until later on? I don’t need shirts so badly. Tell Mrs. Rushmoro that you’ve been taken 111. That woman makes cd from money matters)—No, I can’t say that I’ve gone into the question. MRS. C. (Musingly, half to herself)—It Is in deed wonderful. It is only lately that I have lieeome convinced of a new mental phenomenon. Are you aware, Josinh, that thought transfer ence. or, as It Is sometimes termed, mental telepathy, Is now a fact among scientists? MR. C. (Reading)—Uh, huh. MRS. C. One can convey one’s thought to another jiersou at a distance without seeing that person, without forming any connection or without informing the absent one that a thought is to be sent. It is ail very miraculous. MR. C. (Suddenly stopping his reading)— Marla, don’t be ridiculous. If you telephone a person, all right. If you send a person a let ter, all right. If you send a wire, correct. But If you mean that you can tell a person at a distance something without doing anything but merely thinking, then I say that you’ll have to have your head examined at once. MRS. C. (Smiling in a superior way)—It Is only your Ignorance, Jostah, that makes you speak that way. You also doubted that man would fly In the air before it was done. MR. C.—That’s entirely different. Now, when you— MRS. C. (Interrupting)—I hold here In my hand live cards. They are the aee, king, queen, Jack and ten-spot of diamonds. I suppose that If you selected one of these cards you think I could not give the Information of which card you selected to somebody miles away, without doing anything but thinking. -MR. C. (Laughing sardonica ;, y)—Marin, don’t be silly. This Isn’t the age of witchcraft. MRS. C.—Nevertheless, I am willing to con vince you that It can be done. MR. C.—It canot be done. Absolutely, un less you send word in an ordinary way, It CAN NOT be done. MRS. C.-— Since you are so headstrong, I will bet you anything you like that It can lie done and that I can do it. MR. C. (Thinking of the fifty dollars and of the necessity of protecting it)—I have fifty dol lars that I must pay—that I owe a man the first thing to-morrow, my dear, but I will gladly bet you fifty that your ridiculous proposition can not be carried out. (Mrs. C. at once hunts through her handbag and brings to light eleven dollars.) MRS. C. (Mournfully)—I have but eleven dollars, Joslah, but— MR. C. (Generously)—What’s the difference? With sue* a nonsensical thing before us. the odds will not matter. I would bet a thousand dollars to eleven, if I had the thousand. I will bet you fifty dollars—and I owe the fifty to a man—to your eleven that you can’t tell any body what card I select. MRS. C.—Very well, Joslah; the bet Is tulien. Put up your money on the table. MR. O. (Slightly uneasy)—Are you going to do it immediately? MRS. C.—The sooner, the better. (Mr. C. regains confidence as he thinks of the absurdity of the wager and places his roll of fifty dollars beside Mrs. C.'s eleven. Mrs. 0. arranges the five cards in her hand.) MRS. C. (Rubbing her hand across her brow) —I innst have a short time to concentrate after 1 must thlhk you have picked yottr card, deeply.' (Mr. <’. grins, ill reflects that he will now be able to pay sixty-one dollars instead of fifty on the racing car. He selects the ten-spot of diamonds from his wife's hand.) MR. C. (Happily) There you arc, wife. The ten-spot. Now how are you going to inform somebody else which card I picked. And who is the someone else? MRS. C. (Closing her eyes)—I must think. Do not disturb me. (Mr. C., being of a deeply suspicious nature, pulls down the blinds for fear his wife may signal some one. He sits down and waits. The certainty of copping off his wife's lone eleven gives him unholy joy. Wives should not gam ble when they have such small sums, lining a sensible man, Mr. C. knows that his wife's at tempt must result in utter failure. Mrs. C. suddenly appears to be coming out of her spell of deep-sea thought.) MRS. C. (In a hollow voice)—Go to the tele phone, Joslah. and ask central for Ivy 84262. Ask for Miss Colt, one or' our Higher Thought Club members. When she answers, ask her what card you have just selected from your wife’s hand and she will tell you. I am now pouring the thought Into her mind. I am fore ing her to see you in the act of touching the ten-spot of diamonds. It is the ten-spot of dia monds, Miss Colt. (Mrs. C. again closes her eyes.) Do not mistake, Miss Colt; it is the ten- spot of diamonds that Mr. Clayhanger has se lected. (Mr. G. gives rent to a grant of ridicule. This is babyish. But eleven dollars are in volved. Re goes to the telephone, asks central for Ivy 8^362 and gets it.) MR. C. (Politely)—I would like to speak to Miss Colt, please. SWEET VOICE—This is Miss Colt. Who is speaking? MR. C. (Even more politely)—This is Mr. Jostah Clayhanger, Miss Colt. I do not know you, but my wife does. I have just made a rather ridiculous wager with her (laughing) and I hope you will not take offense, but she asked me just now to ask you to tell me what card I have selected, from her hand. Can you tell me? SWEET VOICE—Yes. indeed, Mr. Clay- hanger. You have selected the ten-spot of dia monds from Mrs. Clayhanger’s hand. Is that all? Good-by. (Mr. C. hangs up live receiver with the dumb motions of a man who has been hit on the head by a pile-driver. He turns. His wife is already gathering in the sixty-one dollars. Mr. C. is unable to articulate.) MRS. C. (Gravely)—You see. Joslah. one must not doubt the wonders of modern ad vance. I know by your face that Miss Colt ii wm ■MM the Phone answered correctly. I felt that our mental connection wus unbroken and clear. (Binging II blithe ditty Mrs. V. goes into her room and begins to dress. She is absent some time. After ii while a motor horn honks in the street below. Urs. C reappears, clad for the street.1 MRS. C. (Ghily)—Good-by, dear. I am going downtown with Mrs. Rushmore. (She kisses the bald spot on Mr. C.’s headland leaves tkafi gentleman in a state of semi-coma. Goes out. shuts the door.) MR. C. (Staring at the spot on the table which had contained the sixty-one beans)— How in the name of the murder did she do it? How could that female tell which card 1 picked? I might have picked the queen. Maria could not tell which card I would select. Gosh hang It! Lemme think. Lem me think deep, like Marla. (Mr. C. pon ders. He takes a little drink to stir up thought. He lights cigar and walks about his rooms, hands be hind his back, a frown upon his pale brow. Now and then he reaches into his pocket where the fifty had erstwhile reposed and grows sad. Suddenly he stops and bangs a fist into a palm.) MR. C.—By Gorry! (He goes to the tele phone book and looks up Mrs. Rushmore’s tele phone number. The number is Ivy 84362. Mr.C. groans. The light begins to flicker in upon his intelligence.) MR. C.—Sucker! Boob! I begin to remem ber that game, now that it is too late. Why, it’s easy. I’m a yap. Maria fixed it up with Mrs. Rnshmore. I’m stung. It didn’t make any difference what card I selected. "Miss Colt” meant the ten-spot. I suppose if I’d picked the queen I would have had to ask for “Miss Murray,” and the jack would have been “Miss Brown.” Shoot me, someone. Good-by, racing car; so long. (Mr. C. puts on his hat. He has thirty-five cents. He goes out intending to spend it all in the most riotous and. debauched way pos sible. In a motor car speeding doumtmon to the shops Mrs. Rushmore giggles while Mrs. Clayhanger relates the incidents. They stop before a very expensive store. They enter.) “I’m a Waiter** One of the Song* from “Maid in Germany,” The Annual Show of the Mask and Wig Club, of the Univer sity of Pennsylvania. iVtrrrtltlt. 1»1 J. bj Star Otvnpw. I Qrr«t Britain Rights I ’M a waiter, but I really hate to serve. A lot of things I’m called upon each day. And I hate to serve a clam. Or a histrionic ham. But at serving dainty chickens I*m “au fait” Oh, I love to serve a filet, on my soul; When a pretty little filly comes to eat. And the filly from old Phill y Knocks me silly, willy, nilly— To serve them hand and foot is just a treat. CHORUS. I’m a waiter, Fm a waiter, and I’m sore; I’ve been waiting all my life, unhappy fate. I have waited bn a table, an d I’ve waited on a door. And I’ve waited for a train when it was late. I have waited on a comer, where I’ve waited on a maid. Yes, I’ve waited till I’m weighted down with woe; I’m a mighty small potater when it comet to being waiter. But I’ll wait a little longer, then I’ll go, II As a waiter I have served most ev’rything, l’d be Balkan though, to Servia Turkey Greece. When a judge mice ordered pie. Well, I made no tart reply. But just brought it m and let him keep the piece. I can serve both a la carte and table d’hote; And I’ve served for every nation old and new, German, French, Italian, Spanish, F.ngiish, Russian, Turkish. D anish; And I’ve even gone and ser ved the Irish stew. CHO RUS: I’m a waiter. I’m a waiter, a nd I note. That the average waiter waiting is a crime: I have waited on a suffragette, who’s waiting on a vota. And we both will have to wait an awful time. I have waited on a Duchess, but I won’t wait on the Dutch, Oh, I’ve waited till I’m weighted down with woe; I’m a public educator. I’m a patient, willing waiter, Yet l but little longer, then J’ll go. Frank Mullane, vaudeville, Tells These i Opyrttfrt. 1V1S. t-r t»« Sttu OnupMU. ’M a bad guy,” said Cohen to Meyera. "I’m s tough guy.” “How’s that, Cohen?" asked Meyers. "How bad are you?” "I’m a murderer," said Cohen with a scowl. “Get out; vot do you mean, Cohen?” "Veil, I vill tell you, Meyers," began Cohen. "Der odder night I come home late from vork, und I find my vife sitting on der front stoop mlt another feller. Vot do I do but take oud my pistols und shoot the feller.” "My goodness; dot tea terrible,’’ said Meyera, In alarm. "But, Cohen, bad as It Is, It could be worse." "How could It be worse, Meyers?" Meyers looked Cohen over carefully and then said; "1 will tell you how It could be worse, Cohen—I was sitting on der stoop de night before.” C ASEY announced to his good wife. Ellen, that he was going to the ball game AU day he was gone. Night came, but no Casey to take his place at the head of the table. Midnight and no Casey. One o'clock—2 o'clock—S o’clock—no Casey. As the 6 o’clock whistles began to blow, Casey stumbled up the front stairs into the house and awakened friend wife by hts efforts to negotiate the stairs. She hopped out of bed and met her better half In the hallway. "WELL?” said Mrs. Casey, with determl nation written on her Amazon face. "Sal-rite, Jilin." said Casey, weak ly. The game wuz called on 'count of day light!” v h ¥ R OBLITZSKI went into a cafe t* get a drink—a very unusual thing for Robby to do. "It’s der humidlddy,” said he as he quaffed his drink and laid a half dollar on the bar. The bar tender handed him back a quarter. J'Ahy iss djg-a fw § drumj gvj Hist MUa SU*ht» Suiua a drink any place for a dime!" yelled Roblltxakl. "It’s the decorations,” said the bartender. “Look at the beautiful etchings, the matchless paintings, and the exquisite bits of marble. This, sir, la a very high-class cafe.’’ Roblilzskl pocketed hla quarter and shuffled out, grumbling as he went About a month later he came In with a bandage tied tightly around hts eyes. He felt his way along until his fingers touched the bar. “Glff to me a drink,” he said, quietly, and the bartender poured It out. Roblitzski gulped It down and walked out, leaving a dime on the bar. Just (or Fun “S EE dat man ewur dar, Henry?" , "Yaa. What ob It?” "Dat man am a p'emotuh." “P’omotuh? What you'all call a p'emotuh?" “Whah. Henry, yo’ mean ’tell me dat you don’t know de dtfferatlon ob de word ‘p’omotuh’?” "No—don’t." "Den Ah’ll tel! yen ’all, Henry. A p’omotuh am a man who sells something he h&bben’t got to some- buddy who doesn't want It.” J AKE got a Job as s painter and was very "happy to think he had found something to do. After he had worked faithfully all day the foreman came to him and said; "Is your name Jake?" ‘‘Dot la ft my mama,” said Jake, with a deal of apprehension. "Well, there’s been a question raised about you among the men. 8how me your union card." "What Is it a union card?” asked Jake. "It’s a card that you’ve got to have before I can allow ywu to work. It'll cost you fifty dollars.” Poor Jake came back the next day with his fifty anff was given hts card. "Now, before you get up on that scaffold you'll have to get a union suit Jake hunted ont a haberdasher's and was set back to the tune of eighteen dollars for a union suit. To his great joy. and Incidentally to the mirth of the crew with him. Jake was allowed to resume work. That day at noon Jake slipped down on the ropes and disappeared, and didn’t show back for work until after three. "Where In tarnation have you been?" yelled the boss. Jake never batted sl eye, but said calmly: Copyright. 1918. by th© Star Oamipaoj. The Naked Truth. W ILLIS—-In the rearing of a boy, the proper time to chastise him Is when you’ve got the goods on him. HUlis—I differ there, old man. The proper time is when you've got the goods off him. * * a ' The Accident. T WO Scotchmen were out one very cold day. One had no ear-muffs and was rubbing his ears vigorously. "Sandy, mon," said the ether, "I wonder you would na wear yer ear muffs." “Nay, mon, I have na worn them since the acci dent." "The accident?” "Yes, the squire asked me to have a drink and I didpa hear him." * * * ^ Squire Desires Information. T HERE was a ministerial meeting in an adjoin ing county and Squire Duncan took advantage of the excursion rate. No sooner had the train reached Rockton, than the squire, who was round Ooose Talk. ? A short, visited a barber shop. “Please re move your coat.” suggested the barber, who had difficulty In trimming the hair which hung down the pa tron's neck. Duncan reluct antly complied. “Please re move your col lar," directed the barber, when shaving became difficult The squire did so, hut there was a frown on his face. “Now we’ll Just open this shirt button,” said the barber kindly, as he prepared the lather. "See here," shouted the squire, sitting erect, “you ain’t takln' me for one of those long-faced preachers, tre you?" * * * An Incident a 1 the Movies. E (pressing the hand of the ladv next to him) —1 am just crazy for them to turn up Lila Usfets*. fie J gee vo Uj[ focfiib Society Girl: But, Mama, all the girl* smoke! Her Mother: 1 know it, dear; but it stunt* little girls. Promise mother you will not smoke until you are twenty-one. H Great Britain Right* KeMr»e<1- She—You needn’t be—Pm your wife! * + + The Missing Name A MEMBER of the Lambs Club says that one morning during his engagement with a Shakespearian actor, he was hurrying into the theatre for rehearsal, when he observed a man gazing at a big poster that represented the star In the character of Henry V. Just as the player vanished through the door he heard the man exclaim with a note of disgust; ’’Ain't these actors gettin’ fresh? Henry V. what?" / ★ ♦ ★ Practice Makes Perfect T HE LONG GUY—I understand that you patron ized a loan shark when you were pressed for money. Did he assist you In your ex tremity? The Short Guy—No. He pulled it. N * * * Louis XIV. A WASHINGTON clubman was olceronlng a friend from the West through the social whirl of the National Capital. "Who,” asked the Westerner, indicating a big, good-looking fellow at one of the clubs, "Is that dis tinguished person?" "That,” replied the Washingtonian In the gravest of tones, "Is Louis the Fourteenth.” “Don’t be absurd!” exclaimed the friend. "What do you mean?” “Well, his name Is Louis, and he is always invited when, without him, there would be thirteen at table." ★ * * Got the Drop. A CERTAIN stingy son of Erin, upon seeing an other Irishman just going to drink a glass of whisky, exclaimed; "Hould on, Pat, let an ould friend have a drop, the laste taste in the wurruld." His friend passed the glass, and the stingy one emptied it. Pat was naturally annoyed and said; Bedad, I thought you said you only wanted a drop?” e may guess his feelings when he received the reply: "The drop I wanted was at the bottom.” * * * For a Cashier. r ANDBOME cashiers who get away with their employer’s moa§y tjsualjy ta£e the boss with t-hqpl t ~ H