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A Catching Ncu) Story.
Order your SUNDAY AMERICAN
FOR JUNE 1st NOW
The Truth About
the Bass Fiddle
By Joe Cawthorn
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist
Copyright, 1013, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
(Leading Comedian in “The Sunshine Girl”)
Copyright, 1913, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved
O F all the stringed creatures that roam this earth, the bass fiddle
Is the lonesomest. It Is more to be pitied than carried around.
And It Is entirely too particular. Always has to be chaperoned
by a full orchestra, or it won't play.
The bull fiddle Is the only Instrument you can’t play a solo on.
Funny thing, its music is so low. It's too loud. But one good feature of
the big violin is its dual personality. When the orchestra doesn’t play
In the melodrama, between songs, the bass viol goes behind the scenes
and plays the thunder. It's cheaper and surer than having two Hons
behind there to growl, anil It gives the same effect.
Often I have wondered why in Orpheus a man learns to play such
a helpless instrument. The big fiddle is a charity Institution Itself. X
never saw anybody so dependent. You have to leave It in the theatre
all night, because you can’t take it in the subway, so you have to desert
It and buy Insurance for it. Same as paying alimony. If you don’t live
with it you have to pay for the privilege of living away from it, that’s all.
They say whoever plays a bass fiddle Is sure to be a well-posted
musician. I say he's not a musician, but he may be well-posted, because
he gets falling arches from standing up all the time, and sooner or later
has to wear crutches. Before I studied the statistics of base-vlolers, 1
used to wonder what became of all the famous wood-sawers and roast
beef carvers, when their biceps failed them. Now I can see that their
less riotous arms lend themselves better to the more delicate touch of
the groaning strings.
That’s what father used to tell me, anyway. He was a great orch-
estrator, and knew every music maker from the big fiddle down to the
cocoanut shells. So one day I gathered all my words together and
wrote this song. It tells all abo it father and how his goat was got. II
goes this way:
YOU CAN T PLAY EVERY INSTRUMENT IN THE BAND.
My father was a musickcr, since he was but a boy,
He played the big bass fiddle in the bands.
He started out to be a vloliner when a kid,
But he had too many knuckles on his hands.
Then he tried to play the ’cello, but his knees got in his way,
And his elbows seemed to take up too muen apace.
So he went from bad to worser; 'til he got a slide trombone.
And he slid, from the trombone to the bass.
The worry turned him gray, he had to stand up when he'd play.
But he was a philosopher; I've often heard him say:
CHORUS.
You can’t play every instrument in the orchestra.
Someone must push wind in the cornet.
And some will try to get a tone, hammering on the silly phone,
While some make faces at a clarinet.
"I'd like to be the leader,” said poor father, “but I aint,”
So here with my bass fiddle I will stand,
And say nothing but saw bass strings, if my feet will just hold out;
You can’t play every instrument in the band.
Now father was right about that. If you can’t play, but you musl
play something, play the bass fiddle. Of course the main trouble is yo»
can't be very entertaining if you just play the big fiddle and nothlnj
else with it. If you’re out on a joy party you can’t start your bass fiddlt
going and play, “Oloom, gloom, gloom,” all the time. It's too disor
ganizing. They wouldn't even let you do that at funerals.
You RE - Boo Hoo-.'
VERY CRUEL J
M LLE MARIES
WILL You, vou
DonY QET THAT hat
AND THAT5 ALL THERE
15 To IT.' t — y
CANY I GET
That hat DEAR?
You Just got
ONE LAST
WEE K !
OH! 15 NT
THAT LOVELY
a ah:
COME
v ON .
Please
Dpnt
STEAL M'l
WlC.CjLE'
LINE.
Ft ORr N(£
HELLO.' THERES
B'ilLs Cousin
/AAR IE J
I isn't that Funnt, T.
' avarie is the name
OF THE MILLINER WHO
Keeps That Hat s'
what a funny
SHAPED CLOUD
Is mt that a
pretty bird
THAT5 THE
KIND OF
feather That
Hat has '
CHANQED MX
SAY,THAT AINT
The hat You
were raninl;
about: >
I WAS THlNKiNQ
about that rat
here! For. HEAVENS
SAKE GET YoufL SELF
That HAT AND KEEP
■—quiETj /
OH You
DAR.UN G
Mind, This one /
oniy cost $6
T BOUGHT a SKIRT,
AMD SHOES AND
CORSETS AN 0 A g
NEW VEILV/ith
The rest of J
THE MONEY X
FOR. the -LOVE ,
of Mike whats
the matter,?
CANT You 5LELP
In the Mad Gallop
to Connubial Bliss
lilt,, lour dear old father told me it was a beautiful ring.
MEL. He d tell you anything. He’s been intoxicated ever since I
introduced you to him.
HIG. What was that our friends stuck all over our suitcases?
j MEL.—Union labels.
HIG.—But yours had a tag tied
MEL.—You haven't any right to be tired. Where were you
night?
H IG.—Well, we're married and I’m glad it's over.
MEL.—Over? Huh. It hasn’t started yet.
HIG.—Gee, but I got an awful fright.
MEL.—You got an awful fright? Go to a mirror and see what
I got.
HIG.—If 1 should die, oh what would you do?
MEL.—I'd go nearly crazy.
HIG.—Would you marry again?
MEL.-—I said nearly crazy.
HIG.—How do you like my wedding suit?,
MEL.—Fits you like a glove. Like unto a packed theatre is the
fulness thereof.
HIG.—I ask for elucidation.
MEL.—Standing room only.
HIG.—I’ll have you understand that I am very proud of this suit.
It was made from one of President Taft's.
MELr—It might have been made from his vest.
HIG.—I think now' I'll sing a little song. Will you join me?
MEL.—Most fluently. 1 have a very indigenous voice. There are
only a few left who can sing like me.
HIG.-—Yea. they've killed all the rest.
MEL.—But I fear naught. 1 don t care what becomes of me. One
more drink and I’ll tel) everything.
HIG.—What do you think the minister ought to get for marrying us?
MEL.—Life.
HIG.—And to think that you went and soaked :he engagement ring
I gavest thou.
MEL.- And to think that the hoikbioker wanted to givesl me mar-
bias or skipping rope for iL
I told you. Doing my duty at the side of a sick friend.
-Oh. Your sick friend must have died.
Most certainly noL
-1 suppose you held your sick friend's hand?
No, I’m sorry to say. (I wish I had. He held four aces.)
-I wish 1 had money. I wouldn't hang around here.
MEL.—Of course. I've been
tagged. I'm it.
HIG.—I thought you told me
the minister was always a tee
totaller.
MEL.—I said he was a tea-
drinker.
HIG.—But did you hear what
he said when I asked him to join
us?
MEL—Sure. He said, "Don't
care If I do.”
HIG.—lou don’t make yourself
plain.
MEL.—No, 1 Just grew that
way.
HIG.—Well have to hurry
now if we want to catch our
train.
MEL.—Look out you dpr’t
catch my train or you'11 havt to
buy me a new dress.
TUG.—Well, if you're coming
with me, hurry up. I'm Urea.
The more father worried about his fiddle, the more people kidded hint
about It, so ho went away one day and that’s how I came to write thir
second verse:
travel
HIG.—Here, how much do you want?
MEL.—Do you know a good catchy song we can sing?
HIG.—Yes, the Scarlet Fever Rag.
MEL.—Oh. isn't that killing?
HIG.—What did you tell the old lady whose dog we ran over this
morning?
MEL.—I told her my husband would replace the animal.
HIG.—Did that make it all right?
MEL.-—She said. “Madam, you flatter your husband.”
a', , -,ui luiidieis a taxi driver iu New York,
isn’t he?
MEL.—He are.
HIG.—Did you tell him I was here? ~ - ~
MEL.—-Yes. He said he hoped to run across you some time.
HIG.—That’s not funny. You should have heard what father said
when I told him I loved you more than any girl I ever met
MEL.—Well?
HIG.—He said try and meet some more girls.
MEL.—Is that so? Well, good-bye. That makes me feel like a tree
In Sprngtime.
HIG— How?
ilEL.—I’m leaving. i
Father hated that bass fiddle, and I think it was because,
He had to stand for all the music that he'd play.
He tried to sit down once and put it underneath his chin,
And he nearly broke his neck that fatal day.
He got a job on board a boat, four pieces in the band,
A piano, cover, stool, and father’s bass.
The old boat had to sink, and as they all fell in the drink,
Such a look came—over father’s face.
He floundered for a while, when up came his bass viol.
And as he lit on top of it he murmured with a smile:
CHORUS.
“You can't float on every instrument in the orchestra,
The flute has holes that let’s the water in.
A drummer, if he's on the bum might beat his way home on a drum,
But then a drum is mostly all a skin.”
As Pa floated on his fiddle, the p.ano sank below,
So no one could accompany him to land.
Like a boat the fiddle floated.
Pa sat on the bridge and gloated:
"You can't float cn every instrument in the band.’*