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11 KARST'S SUNDA i AMERICAN, ATLANTA, GA., SI’NDAY. MAY 2f>, 191J
The Plaint of the Property Man
a
By Glenn Smith, of
the Forsyth Theater
General Handy Man and
‘Goat’ at the Vaudeville
House Tells Some of the
Sorrows of the ‘Props. ’
He Does It in Both Verse
and Prose.
I've been a policeman and bellhop
I've been a lady's maid.
I've played the ice man and the manicure gtr
I've led a pirate’s raid.
I make the storm and the thunder,
I make the birdies sing,
I trave my hand and the snow Jails,
I can do 'most anything.
I've worn tights and a mother hub bard,
I'trorn a flunky'$ coat,
Because, you see. I’m the property man.
And everybody’s goat.
N O other human being, probably, has as many experiences
as the property man of a vaudeville theater. No other
man must possess a talent so versatile. Glenn Smith, now for *
instance, has done more things than Theodore Roosevelt. His
work demands that he “rape” for the actors, and in so doing
fill every role imaginable. He must be policeman, fireman,
animal trainer, nurse-girl,_ piano-mover, in fact, everything.
He must supply the properties-—that is, the material and set
ting for the acts—it makes no difference what, is required.
Naturally, many funny things happen to the property
man or come under his observation. Glenn Smith is chock-
full of stories.
“A million things happen to the property man,” he said.
“They’re funny, I reckon, to anybody else, but sometimes
they’re mighty sorious to me. Listen I”
And here are some of the things he told. To the property
man himself, his life most, be as full of joy as an undertaker’s.
» . •
T HE big day is on Monday, when the week’s show first
comes on. My, but it’s strenuous. You just ought to
have been here last Monday, when I was bitten by the dog in
the animal act, cussed by the owner of the act because 1 shut
flic dog in the collar, sent out to get the most impossible list of
properties that you ever heard of for the whole Rhow, and then
given a dozen jobs.
Just as I had turned around twice that morning, to sort
of get my bearing, one actor came to me.
“I want you to play a waiter for me,” says he. That was
easy, and I promised. Half a minute later came in the next
Act.
“Say,” he said, “you gutter do a dance with my wife at
the finish of my first song.”
T looked at him.
*‘For the love of monkeys,” I said, “I’m no Eva Tan-
guay.”
“I know you ain’t,” he said. “The bummer the dance,
the better for the act,. That’s why I want you.”
Now what d’you think about that? That’s adding insult
to injury, but I'm used to that, being just a property man.
Then the next act came along.
“Say, Props,” said he to me, “when 1 drop this book, you
make a noise like a baby, see.” And then came some more.
That ’s my job.
• • •
S OMETIMES l get the cues mixed up. How can a fellow
help it, when he’s got to watch the stage and the prop
erty, and then play like he was a $1,000 a week actor all at the
same time. The other night, for instance, I went wrong.
It was all fixed for me to ring the telephone bell when
the lights went, out. But my hdad wasn’t working that night.
When the lights went out, I slid up to the door. Inside, the
man was sitting by the fireplace, all tragic like. The stage
was dark. The audience was looking for something startling
to happen. The telephone, as I remember, was to tell him that
his wife and seven children were dying. But I came on, all
mixed up, and knocked at the door.
“Ice,” I hollered. I thought it was the next act, when I
was to be the iVe man. I hate to think now what happened
then.
• • •
W E’VE got to get the props. Lots of things the actors
don’t carry with them, and it's up to us to find them
somewhere. Gas ranges, for instance, or flower pots. Some
of them make out lists of what they want, early Monday of
the week they are on, and send us out to get the things. And
we have got to get them, because the act depends on it.
If the list gets lost, Lord, I’d hate to think about that.
Like the baby carriage I had to get once. Ilow I came to
overlook that baby carriage I don't know even yet.. But the
time came for the Monday afternoon show, qnd no baby car
riage. The actors were dressed and ready for their cue. They
were third on the bill. The second act was almost over when
Number Three begins to holler for her baby buggy. And there
we were, nothing doing.
But a baby carriage had to be got, and got quick, and
there was nothing to do but to go out and get one. Which I
did. As luck would have it, a very black negro girl was wheel
ing a kid along the street near the stage entrance. The kid
napers of Charley Ross didn’t have a thing on me when it
came to quick work. The kid was sitting on the sidewalk in two
seconds, and the negro girl was petrified with a scare that
nearly turned her white. But I had the baby carriage, and
was inside the house with it before she could yell.
I heard her yelling later, and saw the prison bars mighty
plain. But when the aet was over, I sneaked the earriage out
on the street again, and nothing else ever happened.
But 1 wonder sometimes if she ever found the buggy, and
what she did, anyhow. * Talk about your highway robbers.
One aet called for a property man to be a nurse girl. I
went on with a long wrapper. In between my appearance as
a nurse girl and the next act, I had to get_busy with some
stuff behind the scenes, and I forgot all about the wrapper.
The next aet I had to work in, too, and I had to come on as a
policeman.
With the wrapper still on, I put on the policeman’s coat,
and rushed in to arrest the villain. It came near breaking up
the act.
That was just like the time when I had to work in two
acts right together. In one there was a piano, and in the other
a garden bench. I got mixed up, and rolled out the garden
bench for the piano act. The piano player was a stiff guy,
without any sense of humor, and I thought he was going to
break ray neck.
• • •
O NCE I was playing a burglar. According to the business,
I was to come iu through the window with a mask on,
and the actor would hit me in the head with a fake billy.
It was fun, till something happened. Just before the
show one evening, the billy got lost, and the actor forgot to
tell me about it. Just when his cue was called, he looked
around and the only thing he found was a short piece of broom
handle.
After :r ..* - ow. I refused to be a burglar any more. Can
you blame me!
• • •
f I 'HEY ill for crazy things sometimes. One aet asked for
-*- two ve babies and one stuffed eat. You see, we got to
get the very things they want. But I was up against it on
this deal Two live babies and a stuffed oat. It sort of made
me sore.
He was a nervous sort of guv, was this act, and he kept
on worrying me about his property. I told him everything
would be all right. And whei^it came time for his act that
night he called me.
“Did you get my stuff?” he asked.
“Sure," I said, and handed him two stuffed babies and a
live cat. But I leave it to the crowd, wasn’t that the next best
thing?
• • *
O NE fellow wanted two pairs of old pants and a high
wheeled bicycle. I gave him the bicycle, all right, and
one pair of old pants.
“Where’s the other pair of pants,” he yelled. He had
some temper.
“Well, I tell you,” I said to him, “If I give you the only
other pair of old pants in the shop they won’t let me work on
the stage.”
• • •
A ND some of them don’t know anything. Of course, lots
of actors, especially vaudeville actors, are wise, and
men of the world, and all that. Some of them have college
educations and money. Most of them are refined and inter
esting. But now and then just a plain boob gets by. Listen.
The other week one act called for a sure-fire pistol. I shot
the pistol all right at the proper time, and it sounded like a
cannon there in the wings.
“Gee,” said the man after the act, “that pistol made a
heap of noise. What size gun is that?”
“It’s a thirty-eight,” I told him.
“I know,” he said, “but what size cartridge do you shoot
in it.”
• . .
O NE act when we were up at the Grand called for a can
of beer each show. It came all right. But one night a
girl who was in another act, waiting behind the stage for her
cue, spied the beer and drank it. I didn’t have time to get
any more, and I was up against it. So I made up some soap
suds in a can of water and sent word to the man in the act to
look out for it. Just so it looked like beer, I thought it
wouldn’t make any difference.
But the message I sent him was never delivered, and the
poor fellow drank the warm water and suds. Say, he was
some sick. When he sort of recovered, he came to the man
agement with a kick, and wouldn’t let me work with him any
more that week. It wasn’t my fault, but I don’t much blame
him.
* * *
S O the life of the property man in a vaudeville house, you
see, is just one doggoned thing after another. It’s
mighty interesting at that, though, but not so funny to poor
old Props as to the man who hears about it.
I’ve been everything from an ice man to an animal train
er, including almost every kind of woman. I’ve made every
kind of noise from a baby’s yelp to the crack of doom. So
has every other vaudeville Props. It’s all in the game.
Kinks in Human Nature as the
Chauffeur Sees Them
Queer and Humorous
Happenings in the
Day’s Work of the
Man Who Personifies
the Spirit of the Age.
{ ( ry-'t Hi: chauffeur person
I spirit of the age," r
* I'. M. Knight, the
\\ ith visions of murder and sudden
death, the chauffeur jumped out of his
bed and beat it for a doctor. He in
curred the wrath of several physi
cians before he finally enlisted the
services of one. Piling the saw
bones into the car. the driver broke
all speed limits to get to the address.
At the door of the house the man
met him, wearing a bath robe. He
was smiling.
"That's all right, doc.” he said.
“Sorry I troubled you. Hut every
thing’s all fixed now. Snook urns swal
lowed a> button, but he’s coughed it
up. My wife and 1 were right scared
at first.”
And he held up a little fuzzy poo
dle dog. Right then it was proved
that a chauffeur has a better work
ing vocabulary than a physician.
eur likes to remark
All that comes under the head of
In another case M. M Milton, one
»///•.’ chauffeur personifies tin
emarked
the genial
proprietor of the Capital City Auto
Livery "More than anybody else
he typifies the general desire to get
from one place to another in a hurry.
He stands for the energy of the cen
tury, and for that reason is the big
gest part of his life. He drives
men and women to weddings, to death
beds, to births, but more particularly,
to their pleasures.
"Is it any wonder that the chauf
feur IS wiser in human nature than
most peoplef Any one of them could
write a book of his adventures.
You just ought to hear the stories
my men bring hark to me."
Here, as he Udd them, are some:
By F. M. KNIGHT.
On a delightful road in the Buek-
head section, a chauffeur was driving
a merr> party of men and women.
They were having the time of their
lives. As they went along, they ob
served ahead a car that was in trou
ble. The chauffeur was out tinkering
about the mechanism, and ir« the back
seat were a man and a woman.
As the car of the joy riders came
near, the woman and man in the
other automobile appeared a little
nervous. They spoke to the chau-
feur, but he shook his head, evi
dently telling them that he couldn't
^e it g«>. Thru the joy riders’ car
near.
here was - • • • • ■? :i:i:l- mvsterious
out the couple in the broken car.
The woman put her hands up to
her face, and the man slid down in
the body of the car as the other au
tomobile drew near. The Joy riders,
however, had no desire to penetrate
their little secret, and thought noth
ing of the matter. But Just as they
came abreast of the car of the couple,
their own car gave a crunch and a
jerk, and stopped altogether, two feet
from the other machine.
The joy riders looked at the woman
who kept her face covered. They
looked at the man curled up In the
bottom. They looked at their own
* ar that refused to budge. And they
began to laugh. The louder they
laughed, the more the woman in the
next car began to cry. and the man
to swear. And for twenty minutes
the odd party continued, until the
chauffeur of the joy riders adjusted
hi? machine, and moved away leav
ing the identity of the couple still
veiled in mystery.
“I wonder whose wife she was and
whose husband he was? \ my chauf-
pleasure. But then there are other
sides. Hike once a man got my
chauffeur up about 3 o’clock in
the morning, with a hurry call.
“Get a doctor." he said, frenzied-
ly, “and come to ,** giving an
address, “quick."
day occurrences, almost, in a chauf
feur's line of work. But this one had
a few unusual features.
Milton took the couple from a hotel
in tow r n and started toward Fayette
ville, about 9 o’clock at night.
'Way out in the country, the fly w’heel
came off and flew through the radia
tor. The road was dark, the pl&ce
was lonely, and the elopers were ner
vous. The girl was getting ready to
back out. anyway.
Milton had to set out to find a
house of some kind. He finally found
the house of a farmer, and after
fighting off the dogs and daring a
shotgun or tw r o, he succeeded in
arousing the inmates. An old farmer
came to the door. Milton explained
his plight.
The young couple trailed along
about that time.
“It looks like we're fixed here for
all night.” the chauffeur tofd them.
The bride-to-be began to cry. She
proclaimed to th^ w*orld that they
were not married yet.
"Sorry." said the driver, “unless you
want to walk it.”
Then an idea seized him. He
searched the barn over, and found a
section of lead pipe. Then he took
the farmer’s shovel, and made a
melting pot of it. In the shovel he
put the pipe, stuck the whole thing
over a fire, and soon had the lead
melted.
All the time he was working, the
girl was crying. Then the driver’s
goat was gone.
"You all make me tired,” he said
to the elopers. Then he called to
the farmer. ,
“Say, bo.” he asked, "is there a
justice of the peace around here any
where?”
“Sure, neighbor,” called the farmer
from his bedroom. "I’m one. What
do you want?"
Milton turned to the elopers in
disgust.
"Now’ why in the world didn't you
think of that before?” he asked them.
“You folks want a chauffeur to do
all your thinking for you.” Then he
yelled to the farmer.
“Come on out and marry a cou
ple.”
The old man came in his costume
de rigueur. The knot was tied out
in the barn. Milton didn’t even stop
work for the occasion. They wanted
him to, but he was busy soldering
the lead pipe on the radiator, to mend
the hole.
“Nix,” he said to the Invitation,
“no time for such foolishness. You
all make me tired ”
• * »
Tfce funny things are those n chauf-
feur sees when he is blazing a
new trail through a country where
automobiles are not often seen. Men,
women, and animals are all struck
dumb with surprise f was driving
through tto* Tennessee mountain sec
tion not long ago A cmzy pig dodged
across the road and then, in the mid
dle. » hanged his mind, and turned to
run back. Me stopped right In the
middle of the road The machine
was going at a good gait, and didn’t
even slow up. It passed over the pig,
without touching him.
After It paused, I looked back.
There was the pig, standing as if
petrefled. He hadn’t winked an eye,
1 don't think. A hundred yards far
ther, I looked again. There was the
pig. I don’t believe a single bristle
had wiggled. A half mile farther on I
looked back. The pig stood in the
middle of the road. And as far as I
could see, the dumed animal w r as
still there. I w r onder if he has got
over the surprise yet?
A little farther on we overtook a
buggy to which a mule was hitched,
and in w’hich a woman was sitting.
As the automobile came to the bug
gy, the mule Jumped, and took a
fence at a single jump, leaving the
buggy behind. The woman fell out
in the road, and “lit a-running.” For
half a mile down the road she ran,
not once turning to look back, or to
glance one way or the other. Then
she ducked in the woods, and we
didn't see her any more.
• • •
Sometimes the folks from the
country come in and take a ride about
town in the cars. There was a cou
ple the other day, an old man and
woman.
They thought they were in heaven,
riding around, leaning back in the
seats, and enjoying every step of the
way.
They held a whispered conversation
between them when they got back,
and had stepped out of the car. Then
they turned to the chauffeur.
"How much does a automobile like
this here cost?” asked the man.
“This little car?” said the chauffeur.
“Oh. about $1,500.”
The old man looked at the old wo
man.
“Mary,” he said, “1 guess I better
go out to the yards and buy that
mule.”
• * *
And that’s the way it goes.
see all the things—joy and sorrow,
life and death and disappointments.
The chauffeur, as I said before, is
the spirit of the age. and knows its
men and women—sometimes better
than they know themselves.
of the men here, caught a‘hurry call,
just like that. He grabbed a doctor,
and ran to the house from which the
call came.
There he found the man of the
house walking the front porch ner
vously chewing a cigar. Something
was about to happen within the
house, and it was plain w r hat that
something was.
The doctor went in. leaving the
anxious man on the porch. Then the
doctor came back in a minute, and
called the driver. Several minutes
passed and Milton came back out to
the man on the front porch.
"It's twins.” he informed the man.
The man of the bouse looked at
film stupidly. Then he grew red in
the face.
“Get t* h—1 out o’ here.” he yelled,
grabbing a chair.
And that w r as all the thanks the
chauffeur ever got for the glad tid
ings.
Milton helped at a wedding once,
also. That was nothing, though, be
cause runaway weddings are every-