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IIEARST'S SUNDAY AMERICAN. ATLANTA, OA., SUNDAY, JT’NE 1, 1913.
It flooded the crimson canvas
With the gush of a broken dam
And it lay In sticky masses
Like upset gooseberry jam.
It rioted blazing color,
Like love ballyrtjging strife
It seemed the loquacious echo
Of our discordant wife.
It linked all Futurist meanings
Into one perfect cube,
And broke Itself up into facets
Like a wreck In a Hudson Tube,
I seek, but I seek it vainly,
That vast, symbolic line.
That came from the head of the staircase
And entered Into mine.
It may be that Pab Picassd
Has painted the thing before;
And It may be that only In Bedlan
I shall paint that Nude some more,
Why My Hobby Isn’t a Horse
By AL JOLSON
Now Appearing in “The Honeymoon Express.’’
Copyright, 1»1I, hy the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
S INCE the days of Adam, the world's greatest gardener, It has been
decreed that every man should have a hobby, even as every woman
should have a hubby. The hobby of Solomon and Brigham Young
was wives, but nowadays that rare species of genus womanus. the mar
ried suffragette, makes a hobby of her hubby.
But not being a race-track guy. or the owner of a merry-go-round,
1 can't make my hobby, horses. I am a motorist, a gasoline fiend. In
fact, the high cost of gasoline made me take to acting in order that I
might continue to run Rbout in my runabout.
Well, what do you think suggested acting as a means of buying shoes
for the auto? It’s a secret, because I've never told anybody but my
wife However, as the thunder-storm said to old Ben Franklin, ‘Til en
lighten you, if you can stand the shock.” It was this way. 1 was
chugging up Fifth Avenue one bright day some years ago, penniless and
hungry, not knowing where my next drop of gasoline was coming from.
^ Latest Styles in Summer Girls
Copyright. 1913, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
T HE Summer girl in greatest
demand will be one of attrac
tive form and features, who
letests ice cream and bon-bons,
,ut loves moonlight strolls and sen-
imental conversation on every-
Mng except sane topics.
* he dashing, riotous, boisterous
girls who do not know a skillet
from a pachyderm, will be prime
favorites at all Summer resorts;
unt the domestic girl with lower-
:ig eyelids and dainty blushes sl
ays gets first choice of husbands
The Barrow skirts and silk
i carefully watched
hit season, as usual, while no girl
will consider the Summer a suc-
ess or herself quite ia style unless
rhe has u choice of at least five
solitaires durir.g the vacation.
Tennis girls spring into popu-
Trity by leaps and hounds, but
yachting girls sail serenely into
he hearts of many millionaire
yachtsmen For yachting banquets,
wine-colored gowns are best as
•hey do not show the wear and
oar of the occasion.
'haperonee who fail asleep after
•Sell meal and also after th* fl-st
lies of -.•han.pagne, will be the
•■tuasiest sort this season and .n
great demand. There Is still a
difference of opinion concerning
the desirability of brunettes and
blondes, in fact, both of them are
desired, but the proprieties must
be observed, hence it constitutes a
faux pas to acquire both shades at
once. One must appear to be satis
fied with either a blonde or bru
nette. unless a red-headed girl has
the larger checks.
Girls who are up-to-the-minute
in modes will not take to natural
flesh tints at evening parties and
hops this Summer. Two of the
most popular shades are poudre-de-
rlz and rouge.
However, at the beaches during
bathing, natural flesh tints will be
very much in view. Those who ac
tually swim will wear w'atered silk.
The mountain resort girls will
come high, as usual, wtyile dust-
colorcd garments will be worn by
the motor girls. But young men
will do well not to allow the motor
girls to steer them.
Taken allogether—and lhat's the
way they have to be taken—the 1913
Summer girl will prove a marvelous
creation for alt events and on all
occasions Taken apart, cite j,
fearfully and wouderfblly made
—Up.
Suddenly, Just as I was rounding the corner in my modest little one-
lung car, one of those big, burly Fifth Avenue blisses bore down upon
me. mercilessly. 1 was hit right bptween the tonneau and the carburetor.
And from that moment I can truthfully say that I have been stage-struck,
Ever since then I have motored until I am black in the face I
hdve a spirited little 120 horsepower buzz vehicle, and since the Mayor
kindly cleared Broadway for us motorers al 1 ti’clock i can get an early
start and burn up the asphalt at one horse per mile.
When it comes to steering an auto. I’m from Texas. Now you know
I don t want to brag about my past life, about my boyhood training or
anything like that, you understand, but I will say that my ability as an
auto steerer is due to that alone—my boyhood training. Father got me
a job as brakeman on a freight car at the tender age of ten, and I learned
how to handle the wheel most fluently. Father was a firm believer in
the old song, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is
an old guy he will not depart from it.” So I was trained by freight.
Then after I hHd been working on the railroad all the livelong day
I would come home and work around town as the village grasscutter. So
you see between the lawninower and the freight car brake an auto was
never steered by more Intimate hands than mine.
The main difference now is that Instead of mowing down grass I mow
down chickens (1 mean regular egg chickens), and other animalia that
are wont to clog the country lanes. I always have a cowcatcher on the
prow of my machine, so that any delinquents we meet may not be
ground ’ueath the wheels of progress.
If you're an auto hobbyist, it’s a cinch you're not indefatigable. I’ll
have to translate that. I mean to say that in this respect you’re Iik,e
the car, always tired. It's hard to discuss the tire question—just like
arguiug in a circle. Some tires are like Kolemaien, the Finn athlete-
best in the long run. Then others are like the Pittsburg baseball team-
best In the. short stop. Personally, I'm looking for a tire like the electric
light—the kind that don't blow out.
I'ntil I had the self-starter put on, my car was very cranky. It used
to be so bad sometimes that I had to hire a moving-picture operator to
turn the handle. Even he would play out after about a thousand turns. If
it hadn't been for the coming of the self-starter I would have had to get
a ferryboat deckhand.
Every morning I exercise by running about ten miles before break
fast in the car. By that time my poor old tires are winded and 1 stop
at the old town pump for some fresh air. That's where the exercise
begins—the exercise that puts dumb-bells to shame. It's so hard on one's
constitution to have tubercular tires. I'll just have to get come of that
new serum for them, I can see that.
All auto needs a doctor eVery day. It's either water in the car
buretor. or magneto meningitis, or cirrhosis of the cylinder, or poor
circulation of the radiator, or the springs leak, or a wheezy exhaust, or
I tonneau what all.
Anyhow, he who is addicted to automobiling is the king of out door
sports, because he can always have a queen sitting beside him. To say
nothing of three or four ladies in waiting behind the throne in the rear 1
seat. Pick up two and carry five is the system. Cars built for five will ■
alw avs hold seven. Why not be accommodating, even if you have to 1
sell standing room.
The only thing I hate about it is when a joy ride ends in a gloom ;
walk Forty-five miles (not minutes) from Broadway in a balky auto is I
a consummation devoutly to be dished, or ditched, if it happens that way. j
One of the most enjoyable features we motor-bugs enjoy is racing
with the motor-cycle cops. You know those pests are as persistent as I
mosquitoes; but now that we have bullet-proof tires they can't take !
unfair advantage of us. I never saw a bike-cop yet that didn't w ant to !
bet ten dollars he could heat us. Then as soon as we took him up he'd !
start to “hoot.
There are over a million autos in these 1'nited States. That means
ion know, one out nt everv ninety houses - mortgaged. But are we
downhearted? Not as long as we Keep up o«.r interest.
JUST FOR FUN
Copyright, 1913, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
Hard to Locate,
tl INHERE ain’t no ham in this here sandwich,” a customer growled.
"Bill certainly was a good sweeper,” said one.
“Ye-e-s,” conceded the 1 other, thoughtfully. ”But-
lie was a little weak around the lamp-posts?”
-don’t you think
rant.
seated on a high stool before the marble bar of a railway restau- jt j B easier to forgive a hot temper than a cold dinner.
"Oh, you ain’t come to the ham yet,” the attendant answered easily.
The man ate on a while longer. Then he growled again: “Still no
ham.”
"Oh,” said the attendant, “you’ve bit over it now."
Couldn’t Take a Chance.
rTIHEY met at a dinner for the first time since their meeting in Paris
the previous week.
“And did yon have a pleasant crossing?” asked the hostess.
“We did—very,” was the answer.
“You were not ill, I hope?” asked the hostess, turning to the wife.
“No-o," said the young wife, "I was not. But I couldn't have yawned
often."
The Ruling Passion.
A RTIST, to automobile salesman—I wish to look at your latest model.
SALESMAN—Fuiiy equipped, sir?
ARTIST—MU. In the node.
Who Could Resist?
A LFRED was having one of his "bad” days, and upon coming to the
table began to cry. He was sent to the kitchen to wait until the
family had finished.
Several minutes afterward, when the incident was forgotten by all
but small Alfred, the kitchen door opened softly and a small red head
and a pair of dancing eyes, but a very serious little face w as thrust into
the dining-room, while a very pathetic little voice said:
“Anybody here call Alfred?”
c v
RI. papers often lead to divorce papers.
Not Real Thorough
A STORY was recently told to exemplify the pride which every man
** should take in the work by which he makes a living
Two street-sweepers, seated on a curbstone, were discussing a com
rade who had uied the day before.
Universal Brotherhood.
HIT HEN I train my lamps on a slant-eyed Jap,
* 1 I may see he’s a man and a brother.
But to live and eat, and sleep with the yap,
I don’t wanter, somehow ’ruther.
important Point.
The Vacation Question.
■PMPLOYEE—Why, sir, even the Creator took a vacation. Doesn’t the
good book tell us that God made man and rested?
EMPLOYER—Yes, and after he'd rested he made woman. Doesn't
that confirm my contention that vacations are pernicious?
Proof Positive.
»W AY down in Florida two darkies were discussing the color of cer-
" tain Biblical personages. One of them asserted that, as Palestine
was about in a line with Africa, the people must all have been colored.
“Lor’ bress you' heart!” said the speaker, “St. Peter an’ St. Paul
an' the rest of the apostles was as white as that North’n gen’l'man ober
dere.”
“No, sah!” said the man in opposition. "Paul may ha’ been, but St.
Peter—no, sah! St. Peter was a culler’d gen’l'man.”
“You’re wrong; for if St. Peter’d been color'd, dat cock wouldn't ha’
crowed more'n once’t.”
QIPEAKING of common-sense, a famous physician tells the following
^ story:
A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small
town. It was
shrouded in mys- Strong Feature.
tery. All that was
known about it
was that it was a
chemical labora
tory. An old far
mer, driving past
the place after
work had been
started, and see
ing a man in the
doorway, called to
mm;
“What be ye
doin’ in this here
place ?”
“We are search
ing for a universal
solvent — some
thing that will
dissolve all
things,” said the
chemist.
“What good will
thet be?”
“Imagine, sir—
it will dissolve all
things? If we want
a s o I u 1 i on of
He—The facial features plainly indicate char-
acter and disposition.
She—In selecting me for a wife were you gov
erned by any of my features?
He—No; but I have been ever since.
She—Which one?
He—Your chin?
iron, glass, gold, anything, all that we have to do is to drop it in this
solution.”
“Fine,” said the farmer, “fine! What be ye goin’ to keep it in?”
The January or Judas Kiss.
QIENATOR HEYBURN, discussing a political betrayal, said:
“The thing was as bad as the Judas kiss, or, rather, the Janu
ary kiss, as it’s more timely to say now.”
"The January kiss?” stammered the puzzled reporter.
"Why, yes, the January kiss,” said Senator Heyburn. "It’s the kiss
a wife gives her husband in January, you know, to see whether he’s
broken his New Y'ear resolution yet.”
It Was Ever Thus.
JUIZZER-Did that ointment cure your rheumatism?
- SIZZER—No. It was a disapp-ointmeuL
Wild Flowers
I Have Met
By MIKE CHESTERFIELD
The Violet.
fflpgrrtght, itlS. by tb» star Company.
Great lint air. Wight* lUMrted
v*w violet is a modest little
w*wer that grow* in bunches
down by the babbling brook.
But there are other Violets.
They do not always grow in
ouncncs of other violets, but they
go in bunches of Roses. Lilya,
etc., and as for babbling—they've
got any brook that ever babbled
sounding like the silent tomb.
And tbere was one particular
Violet—If you ever happened to
know a Violet you will remember
she was particular—but there was
one particular Violet that pleased
me Immensely.
I used to call her my “modest
little Violet."
That was a number of years
ago. As I said before, she was
particular. That’s why she mar
ried someone else. But at the
time 1 picked her—1 had been
going with a wild Daisy before I
met her—she was certainly a
MODEST LITTLE Violet.
But that was some years ago
I thought my modest little Violet
would accept me. but when I pro
posed. she shook her head, gig
gled. laughed and said, “NO.”
Now. I won't marry any girl
who giggles and laughs and shakes
her head and says “NO” when I
propose. I told her she wasn't
the only flower in the human bou
quet, that I knew a Lily and pre
ferred I.ilys to Violets any day. j
Then my modest little Violet
sure became a wild flower.
But not half as wild as she was
when I met her the other day.
She was down at the beach with
her four children. The oldest one
is three years. The youngest ons
Is twins.
My MODEST little Violet wore
her hair in a bathing cap. and she
also had on a single-piece bathing
suit. People rushed for miles to
get a look at her. They then '
rushed madly away.
F’or my modest LITTLE Violet
now weighs 207 pounds!
And when she saw me laughing
she was the wildest wild Violet ,
that ever grew. And thia Violet j
grew some.
And how the admirers of Mr.
Poe will enjoy this: „
1
I T was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom made of squares,
That a lady lived whom you may know
As the Nude Descending the Stairs.
And the lady lived with no other home,
But those racketty-packetty stairs 1
And the moon never beams
Without jarring the seams
Of those cubic triangular stairs;
And the earth never quakes
Without bringing the shakes
To those wigglety-wagglety stairs.
And neither the artists In circles above,
Or the critics who view the debris,
Can ever dissever the Nude from the Stairs,
For both are so hobble-de-gee,
So hobble-de-wobble-de-gee!
Mr. A. Tennyson is quite frank
in his opinions, and it would seem
that he does not altogether admire
the lady:
L ady clara stair de stair,
Of me you shall not win renown.
You thought to charm the country’s hear!
As ycu the staircase tumbled down.
At me you splashed, but unabashed,
I saw you In your paint attired;
You daughter of a hundred cubes,
You are not one to be desired.
Lady Clara Stair de Stair,
I care not for these wild etudes;
A simple Titian in a frame
Is worth a hundred Staircase Nudes.
Howe’er It be, it seems to me
It isn't noble to be fools;
Fine arts are more than Futurists,
And simple tines than Cubist Schools.
Mr. Kipling, of course, goes
right to the heart of things:
A FOOL there was and he drew a stair
(Even as you and I)!
And he painted a Nude Descending there:,
(We called it a Hurricane on a Tear)!
But the fool he called it a lady square,
(Even as you and 1)1
Oh, the time we waste and the paint we waste,
And the terrible things we scrawl;
Depicting the lady who isn't there
(And now we know that she isn't there).
And never was there at all!
By CAROLYN WELLS
T HE Re-Echo Club fi&ving just held
its quarterly meeting, we arc glad
to be able to present to the public
the result of its most recent efforts.
As the members were all exceedingly in
terested in the Cubist and Futurist move
ment, they concentrated their attention on
the famous painting, so aptly named, “7 lie
Nude Descending Staircase." The mem
bers unanimously agreed that, done into
immortal verse, this noble work of art could
be rendered intelligible and acceptable to
the public.
IVe append such of their poems as have
been receded to date.
Mr. Wordsworth treated the subject
boldly, thus:
S HE was a phantom of a fright
When first she burst upon my sight;
A Cubist apparition meant
To symbolize a nude's descent.
Her eyes like soft-shell crabs aflare,
Like loads of brick her dusky hair;
And all things else about her drawn
As by one coming home at dawn.
A fearsome chape, an image fierce,
To haunt, to startle, and to pierce.
I eaw her opon nearer view,
Like a symbolic oyster stew;
A countenance In which did meet
The paving blocks from some old street;
The staircase, floating fancy-free,
With steps of Cubic liberty.
A perfect lady, nobly built,
Constructed like a crazy quilt.
Or a volcano on a spree,
Or herd of elephants at tea.
The staircase, by a bombshell wrecked,
With something of a burst effect.
Whal do you think of A. Ilob-
son’s triolet:
O H, see the Nude
Descend the Stair!
Fear not, oh, prude
To see the Nude;
For by the rood.
She Isn't there!
Oh, see the Nude
Descend the Stairl
i-Kurrljflit, 1*13. by tbe Star Company. Oraat Brilalu Uizbt. UraanaZ
Of course, no one is a sweeter
poetess than Miss A. A. Proctor:
S EATED one day at my easel,
I was hungry and somewhat faint.
And my fingers wandered Idly
Over the tubes of paint.
i know not what I was drawing
Or what I was painting there,
But I splotched a Cubic Symbol
Like a Nude Descending a Sta^r!
0
How Great Poets Would Deal with the Cubist Art