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Z’!< I S',pa3L BEST HUMOR, MOVING Hg; |1«
Sfei-lF PICTURES, VAUMVIUE. IBMLM*
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See Your Own Country First
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist.
Ooprrljrbl, **M. by Vb. Star Company. Q*«*t Britain Right* R«e.r»e4-
WHAT WE MAY SEE IF WE DON’T GET A BIGGER NAVY
SoL<?M<, OLD Bov’) z >
So AM You re NOT I No /M <i«»'NCj
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Jolly George Munroe —
Copyright, 1913, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
HELLO, ladies and fellows. Say, I just got mar
ried, and I wish you could have seen how
scared I was. The way that minister hollered
at me was perfectly paregoric. I was so scared I
couldn’t remember a thing what to say. Asked me
what my name was and I said, "Amsterdam Avenue."
And the clergyman was MOST unladylike, the way
he hollered when he pointed at McGuckin. Then
I yelled "Hooray!’’ I thought Bryan was elected.
. . But, be that as it may, there was no reason
far the minister to act so ungel lumly. He says to
I
McGuckin pointing to me —whenever he felt that nastiness coming on
aim lied point at ME —he says, "Do you want that?" Huh. You might
think I was full of fleas or sump'n. I wouldn't have minded so much
myself, but it made me look like a pretzel before a certain party.
Well, to continue our serial, the minister went on to yell very volcan
icallv at Mike. He says, "Will you have this here woman for your awful
•• wife?” McGuckin, the weak-kneed boob, didn’t know whether to
cry or faint, and he says: "I'm derned if I know. I'll leave It to you,
Judge.” Well. I thought I’d lost McGuckin sure.
But I got him. Got him cheap, too. Only cost two dollars, and a pen
kn fe, and a plug of tobacco, and a few little luxuries like that. I didn’t
need to pay the two dollars, though, because Mike’s ver-wy. ver-wy
wealthy. And he gets his money ver-wy, ver-wy easy. He don’t swipe it.
you know, or any low trick like that, but—l’ll whisper it to you HE’S A (
GAMBLER! I have to say that awful low to you. because I'm afraid
S r ■y.-'to-i-’ll go evt and short I'.i'.r But sim ' as a matter of protection
for the cops. I’ll let you in the secret -yes, HE'S A GA?4BLER!
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Al PfACH
Only yesterday McGuckin went out and won our honeymoon money.
He won $9,000 yesterday playing mumblety-peg.
But not all that $9,000 will be passionately spent on our honeymoon
That would be ver-wy, ver-wy extravaganza. McGuckin expects to take a
little of it and found a school for New Haven Railroad engineers. But
most of it will go toward having my voice agricultured. I’ve been told
that however good my voice is for the stage it is even better on the
steamboat, especially when there’s a fog. So I want to take a course In
fog-voice culture.
I happened to fall in love with McGuckin when he was a mere fire
man. Now. If there's anything I love it’s a fireman. Oh, give me a fire
man or give me death! That's the way I feel about it. McGuckin always
said that if we ever happened to be together in 'a fire he’d carry me down
the ladder first. All he needed was a good, strong ladder, he said. Be
that as it may, anything with a red shirt certainly does capture my heart.
And Mike is a real fireman, too. Whenever a fire blazes ne rs always
the first one to say, "I fear not. Though the flames lick up their helpless
prey, I pray they don’t lick me." That’s some speech.
Whenever an alarm comes in McGuckin jumps up out'of bed. gets
shaved, gets a shine, takes a bath, has his valley lift him into his bull
maddening uniform, then calls a taxi and says to the showfure, "Drive me
to the nearest fire."
The last time he attended a fire he jumped out of his taxi and ran
plumb into one of the engines. It didn’t hurt McGuckin much except it
cut his big. bright nose off. It was night and he couldn't see near so well
then. Well, they took him to Dr. Bunyon to get it sewed on. Mind you,
before they took Mike to the doctor his face was perfect Outside of the
mining nose there wasn't a scratch or even a freckle.
oil. Dr. Buuyou got that nose io sit buck into place uii rignt, out
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after sewing and hemstitching and basting and soldering It all on, we
found that it was UPSIDE DOWN! That was ver-wy, ver-wy embarrassing
for McGuckin. And, no matter how hard we pulled, do you know we
couldn’t get that nose to separate itself from Mike’s physiognomy?
Then It commenced to rain, and McGuckin got a noseful of rain, and
water-bugs and hoptoads, and oh, a whole menagerie of living things.
Whenever he wanted to blow his bugle he had to stand on his head! So
now he’s got a nose filter to keep out all intruders.
I had the awfullest time getting my trousseau ready. Some of my
dresses were built with a short circuit, and I had pull them together
in back with compressed air. If it hadn't been for the aid of Rosie Mulli
gan, my cousin-in-law, there would never have been any wedding bells
for me.
Rosie essayed to get me Into new straight-front, which was to be
hidden from sight ]>y a ver-wy collaborate silken kimono brought all the
way from Japan. She put her knee right In the middle of my baett, and —
well, you see, Rosie’s ver-wy skinny, oh, ver-wy, and of all the hatpins—
but that’s neither here nor there, it was in my beck. Two pairs of my
ribs, loyal old supporters that they’d been during these fifty years, groaned
and cracked. I began to choke (not joke) and fell forward on the cruel
floor, while Rosie, well she fell right back on her—-own responsibility.
Recently I was elected president of the Society for Sdspresslon. We
suspress anything we don’t like. When I was in Spain last Winter the
first thing I did was to go to the stockyards and suspress a couple of bulls.
They were going to have a bull fight and I suspressed It. Oh. 1 could bull
about my trip to Spain until you'd swear off eating roast beef for life.
Well. I’ll have to go and get McGuckin’s grub ready, because when
he's hungry he's ver-wy. ver-wy annoying, and I just don't want to take
the Double tbia>iivt weather to suspreos him.
Ponies and Carts
are still within the reach
of all the Boys and Girls*
The Atlanta Georgian and
Hearst's Sunday Ameri
can are giving them away*
The Worst Jokes
of the Week
IBIS, by the Star Company. Oreat Brttala lUrhta Reserved.
HBRE are th* worat Jok*a that have oom* In to u*
thia w**k. W« paid for ’*m the same a* we
pay for good one*—we think they’re worth the
money. Now go on with the story.
GQAY, If a New York telephone gijl were going west,
which road should she properly take?”
"That’s easy. The Central, of course."
"Wrong again. She should take the Ear-y line."
TXTHY are doctors and shoemakers alike?
’’ Because they are healing (heel-ing).
HTTE'S a fine violin player.”
D- "Bull-flddle or cow?"
(ITIWHY are the most religious Hebrews dwelling oa
’ ’ Vendover avenue?"
"Because they were commanded to passover, and
they vend-over."
((T SEE by the papers the American yacht Prairie
1 Belle went through the Panama Canal all right”
"Did they charge her any toll?”
X I
“Oh, yes; they tolled the Belle when she went by.
HTT’S a great place for spiritualism, up there In Mich
■i Igan. Rapping and table tipping and seances."
"I suppose that's why it’s named Grand Rap-ids.''
TITHY are the governments of the United States and
’’ Canada negligent? 1
Because they let Niagara Falls.
Spring (a Conversation Between Two
Germans.)
liT) f1 you ltnow 11 ’’hat is it Spring?”
“The spring of a bed?" he questioned.
“Ha, ha- I know. You mean a spring of water."
“No, no Don't you know that the year is it divided
into four seasons? One of the seasons is it Spring?"
“So they .named some of the chickens in Spring
Spring chickens?”
“Spring chickens is it got nothing to do with Spring.
Spring is a season—a season, you hear?”
“Ha, ba' I know. Can you see Spring?"
“No, it Is in menagerie (imaginary). You see it
and you don’t see it.”
"Oh! A place where they keep animals. So a
menagerie is Spring?"
"Now you got it, mein frieadl"
How to Dress
in the Summer
Copyright, 1913. by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
DRAPING yourself in a bed hammock and wearing a fan in one hand
and a tall, cold drink in the other is quite the proper thing
If even open-work stockings are too warm for the hot weather, try
wearing rubber boots. By filling these with ice water they will be found
even cooler than stockings
Ladies find it easier to comb their hair while standing in front of an
electric fan, but care should be taken not to allow the hair to become en
tangled in the fan, as it might spoil the fan, and it is so trying attempting
to match hair in the shops these hot days.
*
Men will find high collars quite comfortable if they leave them at home
and wear a soft shirt.
If, at a reception, you are uncomfortably warm, ask for another ice
and surreptitiously empty it down your neck.
1 ake an old tablecloth and the cord out of your bathrobe, secure the
tablecloth to your anatomy with the aid of the cord, and you will be proper
ly dressed—-as long as you remain in your boudoir.
Do not wear anything light, as light radiates heat.
Do not wear anything dark, as dark colors will absorb rather than re
flect the sun. x
Wear a smile constantly, take a smile with ice in it every now and
then, and insult all your acquaintances in order that they may give you a
cool look.
Preferable shades for the dry season include “Rye,” “Mint,”
“Lemon, “Lime," “GlNger," “Scotch" (without the plaid) and
“Champagne."
During extremely hot weather it is more comfortable to stand under a
shower bath while
Or