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7 E Vacation Limericks Copyright, 1018, by 8t*r Company. Oram Britain Right. Ranarrad. A SWEET little girl came from Troy, And splaaned In the briny with joy. She wa* pretty and neat, And very dlacreet. But when pinched by a crab yelled "Oi, oil" -— — T HERE was an old man from Mt. Vernon, j Who sat on the beach and kept teamin’; He saw all the sights In single-piece tights And kept yearnin’ and yearnin’ and yearnin’. A married man from New Ro chelle Went to atop at a Summer hotel. But his wife came next day And he faded away. We know why, but we don’t dare to tell I There was an old dame from Cohoes Who stood on the lake front to pose. She slipped off the rock, Got a terrible shock. And was wet from her head to her toes! There was a young girl from Man hattan, Who went to a farm house to fatten. She ate and she ate From early till late, Now her shape’s Just like cotton battln’l There was once a fair maid front Hoboken, Who accepted a ring a s ■ token, When the Summer boob said, •'Now we will be wed?” She laughed and said, “Nix, I was jokin’.” There was once a nice boy from Montoialr Who thought he would like the sea air; He went to the beach And met with a peach— Now they’re wed and have their own helrl “If a Table at Rector’s Could Talk” The Song Hit in “The Follies.” Copyright, by T. B. Harms. Francis Day and Hunter, T HERE Is a tavern In our town. And there at night I set me down. To dine and wine with laughter free. For laughter Is the only thing that’s free at Rector's. I was sitting at my table laughing all that I was atria. When I thought a funny little thought. What a funny thing Twould be In the year 1—9—1—3, If a table at Rector’s could talk. What a lot of news you’d hear, Through your conversation ear. If a table at Rector's could talk. You'd hear what someone's Adam said te someone else’a Eva, You’d hear some men don’t have to wear a mustache to deceive. You’d hear hew wide his tailor made your poker partner's sleeve, You’d hear of horses that lose In a walk. You’d hear how 8uale Spotlight does It on eighteen per week. You’d hear who made the Manager give her them lines to speak. And a lot of men would pony up a let of alimony, If a table at Rector’s could talk. You’d know the ehumpa behind the cheeks of half tha girls In town. You’d know where Fannie Few Clothes bought her home-made Paris gown, You’d hear somebody’s right nome, and If you'd Just stick around You’d hear a eeeret pep with every oork. You'd hear who put the welcome on a certain mat uptown, You’d hear who’s hand Is slipping on a job he's holding down. And some good old reputations would start off en long vocations, If a table at Rector's eeuld talk. You’d hear how wise that boob la there who sets Just Ilka a jap, You’d .hear about the buoket shops he basks on eld Broadway, You’d hear that white-haired waiter you Just tipped your lost week's pay Will build the biggest hotel In New York, You’d hoar why Mister Man downtown Is aotlng kind of strongs. You’d hear he happens to be with his own wife for a change. And a let of folks that we knew weuld bs peeking trunks far Renal If a table at Rooter's eeuld talk. Our Comical Club Comedians, Bix and Dix Copyright, ISIS, by the Star Company. Greet Britain Rights Reserved. B IX—Ton look ell out up. Did the bank failure upset you? DIX—I should say it did. I lost my balance. BIX—I understand that the teller was short In Us cash. DIX—No, he was ahead. It was the bank that was short. BIX—By the way, I notice that eociety folks at Newport are having a baby show. DIX—Is that so? Where did they get the babies? BIX—It’s a loan exhibition, of course. DIX—Say, do you know that Angina has just coneented to become ta’ wife, and I wish to ask you a confidential question. BIX—Fire away. j DIX—Do you know whether there Is any Insanity In her family! BIX—Yes—there must be, from what you've Just told me. DIX—By the way. Blx, they tell me you married simply because youf wife had money. BIX—You're wrong. I married her because I thought she'd let me have some of It DIX—How did you like the manner In which 1 handled my part at the theatricals last evening? BIX—You know where you said, ”Ha, ha! Tm mad! I*m mad?” DIX—Yes; go on. BIX—Well, you weren't half so mad as I was—I paid to get In. They tell me that you and your brother are going to Join the church. DIX—You're off there. Both of us couldn’t Join—one of us has to weigh coal some of the time. BIX—Oh. well; don't worry about a little matter like that Throw the responsibility on the scales. You know, I borrowed our Iceman’s scales to weigh our 'baby when she was born, and she weighed exaotly DIX—Exactly? BIX—Fifty-five pounds. . DIX—They toll me that the part your wife played In the theatricals suited her to perfection. BIX—I am afraid not A young and pretty woman was needed for the part DIX—Oh, no. Your wife proved the contrary, without a doubt You act discouraged, old fellow. Is marriage proving a failure In your case? BIX—Oh, no; I wouldn't say that But my wife says that some are more fortunate than others In what they get DIX—How does she figure that out? BIX—Oh, she says I got her and she only got me. DIX—I understand that your son Is pursuing his studies at college? BIX—I guess so. He’s always behind. DIX—You know, they say that Cupid strikes the match that sots the world aglow. It's a fact. What makes you look so doubtful? BIX—I was Just wondering whers he scratches it—that's all. DIX—Bay. old man, I see you have lots of flowers around your home. Why don't you start an apiary? BIX 1 can't see what pleasure there’d be la keeping a lot of monkey* around. Did you hear that there are a lot of pig thieves In the rural districts? DIX—Yes. And at example must be made of some of them or none of us will be safe. By the way. how's your family getting along? I see your wife’s back from Boston. BIX—Goe! I won't allow her to wear that new decollete gown again, DIX—Is your wife going away this Summer! - BIX—No, I'm (T Absence makes the heart grow fonder: THE MORNING SMILE Wex Jones, Editor vol. n. Atlanta, Ga., Sunday, July 27, 1913. No. 34. Free Bananas! Country Aroused, Demands Re moval of Tax from Poor Man's Fruit (or Is It Vegetable?) ITIAKE the tariff bars down Let the banana come In free. If the Democratic party falls In this, let It beware. It will slip up! Never has there been such unanimity of opinion among all classes and all political beliefs. JAMES MeGUFFLR, president of the Free Bansna Marching Society: "The banana must be free. It Is the poor men's fruit True, few of the poor men ever eat one, but that's because they don’t know It’s their own fruit” R. TIBIA, president of the Bone-setters' Union: "The duty on bananas Is a crying disgrace to the country. Every bone- setter In the United States favors the free Importation of bananas. Our union Is about to adopt the banana aj Its official fruit ” JOSEPH MILLER, founder of the JokeemKhs’ Association: “The more bananas, ths more Jokes. 09 with ths duty, mem.” BHRIMP FLYNN, president of the Malgpmated Baseball Lege of America: "I am in (aver of free bananers. They are good to eat and the skins Is good to drop be fore a other kid when he’s rnn- nln’.” Now will the government act? OUR WEEKLY HEALTH HINT. Never wash with boiling water. \ ' HEARST’S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, GA., SUNDAY, JULY 27, 1913. Ever Boy a Straw By T. E. POWERS, the Famous Cartoonist. Copyright. 1913. by the Star. Company Oraat Britain Right* Reserved. LIKE. IT?] ( AUTTLE Too MUCH) -J I CROWN — 7 Too Much crown EM » Hat? 7 WHY mr tones Ididnt KNOW OH You HAVE AHEW HAT IN THE SMILE’S LETTER BOX TO THE EDITOR—I am a young man, twenty years of age, and have lived in Mari etta for the past twenty years. I want to be a detective, but out here there Is nothing much to detect. At that I once detected a skunk robbing Cy Myer’s hen roost. Skunks are bad criminals to detect. There are several rea sons for this, one being that— there Is no reward for their ap prehension. Can you get me a job detecting In Atlanta, as I un derstand there’s quite a lot of work in that line among the Atlantans? HIRAM CHUNQUE. (We shall refer your letter to Chief Beavers when po lice business gets dull hereabouts.— Ed.) Oddities in the News Reasoning powe In animals: Dog stung by a hornet In Allen town, Pa., was seen next day trying to bite another dog with his talk Man In Long Beach, Conn., committed suicide because mother-in-law would not visit them more than six months In the year. [Vote: Our eiorretpondent’t writing it not very legible. He may mean that ion committed suicide because bit mother-in-law would visit him more than tix montht in the year, li’t odd any way you lake it.—Ed.] William J. Bryan. Man going around the world with a watch in his baud. Did You Too MUCH BR N\. TOO AgWCH CR )U/M- VJELL*. frSEEMS To CR.' I WONDER IF I LIKENS MAT There , hows That- $5. oh well r Take it Back Now Bananas Are All Right Unless They’re Empty. SCIENCE JOTTINGS Aeroplanes are now built of feathers. This makes them lighter than the east-iron kind. Ice me,ts if kept In a warm stove. In a cold stove It will last longer. A brick falling from a high building will be shattered on striking the sidewalk, unless sons# soft-hearted person gets In Its way. Light travels at the rate of two billion feet per second. Thla accounts for the speed of gas meters. Soup la aa nutritious as * eggs Hget la the opposite oi blanket. Did You Know That— Salamanders are supposed to live In flames? It seems a tough way of work ing up a thirst? Switzerland exports 8,750,000 pounds of cheese a year, not In cluding the weight of the holes In it? The Swiss show their sense by exporting the cheese Instead of eating It? There are 4,978,621,700 oubio feet of air In the New York sub way? If you did you worn wrong, be cause It contains that number of cubic fee', of a substance that was ones air? Now Thats THE HAT.I ITS A peach, and It Fits You riqht