Newspaper Page Text
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niSAKST'S SUINItAY
AJVIEKHJAIN, ATLAIYl'A, t+A., SU1UIAI, AI WU8I
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Vs Best
Sit in the Driver's Seat
Funny Odds
and Ends
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist
Copyright. >913. by toe t>t*x Company. Great Britain Right* R w<T»«d.
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OH ISN'T HE HANDSOME
WE'll HAVE To Hurry
DEA.R 1 HEARD PAPA
cutting lip
qo Faster
ELO PE WITH A LITTLE
. SHRIMP like that
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AND WE’RE
BEIN6 POL LOWED!
Won’t you HELP,
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Iu Tell You
\WHAT. LETS us
C(ET MARRIED
SMACK
LIKE You ik Just
CRATY ABOUT You
tK\ DAUGHTER E.LQPED WITH AiLITTLEV
congratulate
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PARSONAGE
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Great Britain Itighu Htnerred.
GEOGRAPHICAL QUESTIONS.
I - ONDON—Who was your father?
BOSTON—How much do you
know?
HARIS—What Is her address?
CHICAGO—What can you do?
RENO—How long were you
married?
PODUNK—How many children
have you?
NEWPORT—How many autos
have you?
CONSTANTINOPLE—How many
wives have you?
BERLIN—How much can you
hold?
DENVER—What did the doctor
say?
HOUSTON—What will you have?
NEW YORK—How much have
you got?
3
THE HAPPY RICH.
A N American duchess with a
$1,000,000 divorce.
A Senator with a $600,000
whitewash.
A laborer with a $2 holiday.
A thirsty hobo with 50 cents.
An urchin with a penny. '
*
z.
POPULAR ILLITERACY. *
pt LIVER MILLYUNBUCKS”
his
$
mark.
WHAT TO WEAR WHEN THE
FAMILY’S AWAY.
■pOR sleeping—Pajamas.
For getting breakfast—Paja
mas and slippers.
For office—Business suit
Upon reaching home at night—
Pajamas and slippers.
While working or reading
around the house—Pajamas and
slippers.
While going out on front porch
In the morning to get the paper—•
Pajamas, slippers and bathrobe.
For a hot Sunday—Pajamas.
I
THE SEASON’S SIX BE8T
SELLERS. J
TJEER. -J
•*"' Bleacher seats.
Marine glasses at bathing
beaches.
Solitaires.
Freckle lotion.
Widows.
f
Hints for Summer Travelers
New Stories and Jokes Heard About Atlanta
Copyright, 1913, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
I N all probability there will be a number of warm days this season. The
careful tourist will prepare to go abroad. About all that is necessary
for this is to fasten a cord to your straw hat and secure a bunch of
ferry tickets.
Alpine climbing is a healthful recreation. You can enjoy this in
almost any city by expending carfare to some street in process of being
paved. Climb across the street, proceed to the nearest hospice and return.
Summer tourists will be interested to learn that word has Just been
received from Etah to the effect that the grass is beginning to get green
on the southern slopes.
Try a transcontinental lunch of the Summer, it will take you well
around the world. An English mufitn, a German sausage, some Italian
spaghetti, a Spanish omelette, some Russian caviar, some Turkish coffee,
Chinese nuts, India relish and French pastry, if you want to go the limit
add a Bermuda onion, some Mexican frijoles, some Chili peppers, Edam
cheese and Bulgarian buttermilk.
Very few Summer travelers ire wearing their fur coats in bathing
this season, although a number of youngsters down by the docks go In
every day in their bare skins.
If you are really too busy to get away for the Summer, scatter a lot
of pebbles and tin cans and old pasteboard boxes over your bathroom
floor. Put a lot of s&nd in your bath tub and fill it with water. Add ten
pounds of salt. Build a Are in the furnace in order to get the proper
temperature in the bathroom, lay out a lunch of dried bread, antedi-
'uvlan frankfurters and flat beer, and you have the average beach re
sort right In your home. The lunch will give you Indigestion, the peb
bles and cans will cut your feet, and the salt water will get in your eyes.
You will be almost as uncomfortable as you would be at the beach.
For your two weeks’ vacation, why not take a short trip through
Yellowstone Park, down the Grand Canyon, up the Mississippi, across the
Great Lakes, through Thousand Islands, up to Quebec, over to the Land
of Evangeline, down to Atlantic City, then to Virginia Hot Springs, across
tire Gulf to Panama, down to Chili, across the Andes, down the Amazon,
around the Horn and up to the Sandwich Islands, coming back by way of
China, India, Siberia and Ireland. By this time your two weeks will have
. lapsed and it will be time for you to wake up.
If you enjoy country life and really good food, take your meals at
home and stroll through the park every day.
Atlantans who do not care to take a chance of getting into crowded
hotels and unsatisfactory beaches and uncomfortable mountain resorts
should take to motoring. Order your car to meet you at Five Points and
motor up Peachtree street.
Word has been received from Peru to the effect that the snow has
entirely disappeared from the lowlands.
Florida is getting to be quite Summerish just uoWj
Fine Chance.
“I understand her husband is a
baseball umpire.”
“Yes. And it’s great for her peo
ple.”
“1 suppose they get passes to all
the games?”
“No. It isn’t that. But every
time they haven’t anything else to
do one of her relatives says: ‘Let’s
go out to the ball park this afternoon
and roast Kitty’s husband.’ ”
What the Trouble Was.
A man was fixing his automobile.
“Trouble?” asked a bystander.
“Some,” was the laconic, answer.
“What power car is it?”
“Forty-horse,” came the answer.
“What seems to be the matter
with it?"
“Well, from the way she acts I
should say that thirty-nine of the
horses are dead.”
His Chance.
He—The hand that rocks the cra
dle rules the world. Don't forget
that
She—Then you come in and rule
the world a while. I’m tired.
Taking a Mean Advantage.
On moving into a new neighbor
hood the small boy of the family
was cautioned not to fight with his
new acquaintances. One day Tom
my came home with a black eye and
badly bespattered with mud.
“Why, Tommy,” said his mother,
“didn’t" I tell you not to fight until
you had counted one hundred?”
“Yes’m,” sniffled Tommy; “and j
look what Willie Smith did while
I was counting.”
The Borrower.
“Jones strikes me as a very prom
ising young man.”
"He strikes me that way, too; but
he never pays it back.”
Feared the Other.
The man of great financial promi
nence had met with an accident.
“We’ll have to probe,” said the doc
tor.
Just at that moment the man re
covered consciousness and ex
claimed;
"If It's a surgical operation go
ahead, but if it’s another investiga
tion give me an anesthetic.”
His Pathetic Tale.
The tramp looked shrewdly at Miss
Wary, and she returned his gaze
with equal shrewdness, but her ex
pression did not soften In the least.
“You see, it’s like this, ma’am.
Six months ago I had a little home
of my own, but I made an unfor
tunate marriage. My wife's temper
was such that it kept me in hot
water all the time.”
“H’m,” said Miss Wary dryly.
“It’s a pity there couldn’t have been
a little soap with it. Only six months
ago, did you say?”
Or a Windy Day.
Mother—Ethel, are you saving
anything for a rainy day?
Ethel—Yes, mother, I never wear
my silk stockings around the house.
No More Tips.
Guest—Are tips expected here?
Waiter—No, sah. We don’t ac
cept no vulgar tips, sah. We is free
born American citizens, we is, and
we wish to preserve ouah self-
respect, sah.
Guest—1 am glad to hear that.
Waiter—Yes, sah. All we require
is a retaining fee, same as lawyers,
sah.
The New Mother.
“When you kissed your weeping
mother good-bye, and went out into
the world to make your fortune, I
presume her last tearful injunction
j was for you to be good?"
"No; make good.”
Revenge.
Father—You have no sense: I’m
going to cut you off with a million.
The Son—If you do I’ll disgrace
the family by riding around in a sec
ond-hand auto.
When One Must Be Careful.
The judge of a Texas county was
also cashier of the town bank. One
day a stranger presented a check
for payment, and his evidence of
identification was not satisfactory.
"Why, Judge,” said the man, “I’ve
known you to sentence men to pris
on for life on no better evidence
than this!”
"That may be true,” replied the
judge, “but when it comes to hand
ing out cold cash we have to be
mighty careful.”
Methodist Stamps.
Senator X’s daughter, who is beau
tiful, religious and unsophisticated,
went into a Washington drug store
ment; then, remembering the Scrip
tural injunction to be “prepared to
give a reason for the faith that is
within you,” she replied, “Meth
odist.” There was a moment’s pause,
then her face became suffused with
angry blushes, and she continued,
“But I do not see what that has to
do with my stamps.”
The Poetry of Railroading.
The oft-quoted Finnigan has a rival
the reply ran:
Wait. Two-twenty-eight will
take your freight.
Dispatcher Straight.
Two Orders.
Business Manager—Well, how
many orders did you get yesterday?
Heeler—I got two orders in one
place.
B. M—That’s the stuff! What
Jeweler’s Note
The Dinner Ring Is Very Popular in the Country.
the henhouse.
“Why do you go to all that trou
ble, Aunt Cindy?" asked a passerby.
“Don’t you know that chickens come
home to roost?”
"Sho\ I knows it, white folks,”
answered Aunt Cindy, ‘‘an’ dat’s de
trouble—dey’s goin’ home to roos’!”
Fixing His Nativity,
While visiting in Tennessee re
cently a traveler chanced upon a resi
dent of a sleepy hamlet.
"Are you a native of this town?”
asked the traveler.
“Am I a what?” languidly asked
the man as he rose to a sitting
posture.
“Are you a native of this town?”
“What's that?”
“I asked whether you were a na
tive of this place?”
Suddenly there appeared at the
open door of the cabin the man’s
wife, tall, gaunt and sallow. After
carefully scrutinizing the intruder,
she said:
“Ain't you got no sense a^-tall, Ira?
He means was yo’ livin’ heah when
you was bom or was yo’ born after
you begun livin’ heah. Now answer
him.”
He Enjoyed His Work.
Two men were discussing the
friends of their boyhood and men
tioned one who had a most unfortu
nate disposition.
“I wonder what has become of
him,” said one of the men. “It al
ways seemed to me that it would
be impossible for him to find any
work that would be congenial.”
“I thought so, too,” said his friend,
“but we were wrong. He’s got a
job that suits him perfectly. He's
station master in a place where there
are eighty trains a day and he sees
somebody miss every one of them.”
recently to purchase some stamps.
“Ten cents’ worth of stamps,
please,” she said timidly.
The drug clerk, who has an eye
for feminine beauty, was struck with
her appearance, so he gave her an
engaging smile and urbanely asked:
“What denomination?”
Disconcerted by open admira
tion, she looked at ilm in astonish-
in Pat Donohue, a Kentucky freight
conductor whose train had a break
down recently. After the accident
he sent this message to Train Dis
patcher Straight:
Two-tweaty-two has a busted
flue. What will I do?
Donohue.
This awakened the slumbering
muse in the telegraph office, and
were they?
H.—One was co get out and the
other was to p-ay out.
Heading Them Off.
Aunt Cindy was running around
the yard in the rear of her cabin
seeking to drive into her henhouse
a dozen or so of chickens that peril
ed anxious to go anywhere bJt in
True Courtesy.
Lady (at piano)—They say you
love good music
Youth—Oh, that doesn't matter.
Pray go on.
A Threat.
"Why don't you put your foot
where it belongs?”
"If I did you would not be &bl4 to
sit down for two weeks.’* .