Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page.

s Y7 4, i TI T? ,/TjpV ZA a! BEST HUMOR, MOVTNO PICTURES, VAUDEVILLE. ATLANTA, GA., SUNDAY, AUGUST 17, 1913. A SURE ROAD TO THE PEOPLE You Want to Reach Can Be Found in SUNDAY AMERICAN -OR- ATLANTA GEORGIAN WANT APS TRY THEM If You Could See Through Everything*- Like the X-Ray Skirts By' T. E. POWERS, the Famous Cartoonist Oopmiit. !•!*, tay th» i»Ur Company. Orant BclUla Unfit The Actor and the Drummer SOME GOOD LiN^S isY FOSTER AND LOVETT IN THEIR RIOT OF RIDI " "" CULE TO EE SEEN AT THE FORSYTH L OVE—That’s all right, old man; bring me on good and notey, but please not quite so loud with those drums while I am singing. FOS—These are new drums, and I have to try ’em out on some body, You can’t sing, anyhow, while as a drummer I can make the greatest living travelling salesman look like a trading stamp. LOVE—How haughty is this person. Well, if I couldn’t drum any better than you I’d run for the river. FOS—Well, if I couldn’t sing any better thsn you I’d Jump In. LOVE—Huh! You look like a common waiter to me. FOS—You eat at common Joints, then, don’t you? LOVE—That »o? FOS—Merry Christmas! ;X)VE—You’re the personiflcatlon of a cheap guy. Toil only have half a dress suit on. Why don’t you wear pants lo match your coat? FOS—What’s the difference. The coat’s all the audience sees. LOVE—The rest of the musicians don’t dress that way. FOS—Don’t they, though? You don’t know ’em. Some of ’em wear pajamas below the belt line. Stand up. boys. LOVE—Why, I shouldn’t even be seen standing here talking to you. FOS—No? Let’s go up an alley. LOVE—Say, you’re too clever to be down there drumming for eighteen a week. Why don’t you get a good girl partner and do a double on the stage? FOS—I know I’m a boob, but I haven’t any songs to sing LOVE—111 get you a good song—"i love my drumsticks, but oh, you ehlctsn.’ Oopyritfit ran*, tv the sour Owapsny. Qiset Britain RUhts Bamd. FOS—That ought to be pretty good, but if I ever start to sing it’ll be back to Yonkers for yours. LOVE—Hush that patter. I’d sink you so far I’d drown you out FOS—We’ll see about that If there’s another drummer in the house I’ll come up on the stage and slDg you till you’re so hoarse you'll trot away. LOVE—Good. Here’s another drummer. Now come on up. (Oort up.) FOS—If We’re to sing opposition songs we’ll have to pick different orchestras. Who'll you take? LOVE!—I’ll be reasonable. All I want are the piano, violin, cornet clarinet and trombone. FOS—That leaves the dmma for me. An right You won’t be heard from at all. (Singt.) LOVE—Say, you really have a wonderful voice. You don’t want te g» back to drumming. Come along and travel with me. FOS—That's an awful threat LOVE—Are you married? FOS—Sure. Didn’t I say I was a boob? LOVE—Well, that la a handicap. How long have y®u been married? FOS—Two years. LOVE—Any children? FOS—Six. LOVE—What! EOS—Yes. I married a widow. LOVE—Oh, I see. You married a widow with six children. F(J8—No. She only had four. I am the father of the latest two— (he 1112 and 1212 models. LOVE—Well, It’s high time for you to go on the stage and make some real money. FOS—And leave my drums behind? Not much. They cost me a hun dred and sixty dollars. LOVE—A mere penny In the slot, my boy. You’ll make more than that the first week. FOS—Oh! (Pointing to other drummer.) He can have the drums. But what about my wife, Lucia? LOVE—Why, with that wonderful voice of yonrs you ought to make five hundred a week at the start. FOS—Lead me to It. Give him the drums, the widow and the sextet from Lucia. Everything goes. LOVE—What are you so fidgety about? FOS—I’ve lost a button. LOVE—Don’t be foolish. Do you want to stop our song on account of a button? FOS—No. I want to stop the pants. _. LOVE!—Come on. now. We’ll sing "All Night Long." FOS—Not without a button. LOVE—Say, there’s one thing sure, though. If yon Intend to he on the stage you’ll have to learn to dress better. That’s s fine looking shirt! It’s not even half a shirt Do all the musicians wear those? FOS—Those? Huh! Some of ’em only wear a sheet of writing paper. LOVE—We’ll start now We’ll play "All Night Ix>ng" in A flat '■'OS—In a flat? Why be ao particular? Make it ou the beach. It’s cooler, . ^ Funny Dope Stories By JUNIE M’CREE. Copyright 1118, by the Star Company. Qreat Britain Rights Reserved. T HRICE follows were hitting the pipe in a regulation opium Joint stretched out In bunks that were laid out in tiers, one above the other. The man In the lower bunk was saying: "Gee, I had a little tough Hick to-day.. I made a little bet of *600,000 on Dandelion at I to L She got off in front. Just breezed all the way around for a mile. Coming Into the stretch she led by ten lengths, but twenty yards from the wire she stumbled and went to her knees. Shotgun, coming like a streak on the rail, was at Dandelion’s flankB Just as old Dandy got on her feet They came on to the wire and, say, talk about hard luck. Shotgun beat old Dandelion by a HEAD for my *600,000, at 8 to 1. "Well, I had a little set-back myself to-day,” said the fellow In tfee middle bunk. "I sent In a little bet of *1,000,000 on Gold Heels In the last raoe to-day at 40 to 1; I’d run that from a dollar. Well, they get off flying, with Gold Heels beating the barrier by ten lengths The boy on her Just settled down to & common canter for home. That old brown baby Just came down the stretch with his ears pricked up as If he was looking for a lump of sugar from the Judges. I couldn't loose nohow. Juet as they came down the stretch the band started up a turkey trot, and If Gold Heels didn’t get up on his hind pine and start te do a tange Til never live to get out of this bunk. "Well, when the Jock got him down and started for home again Coll* had come up on him and they lit out for home, head ana head. Colin wae pouting all the way down the stretch, and his under lip was still sticking out when he came on in a dead heat with Gold Heels. That Up Just stuck out enough to win for Colin. Just a llttls tough, wasn’t it. te blow *40,000,000 by s pouty lip?" The fellow In the top bunk yawned, stretched, rolled over, and. look ing over the edge of the bunk, emld quietly, "Hey, throw those tw# PIKERS out, will ya?” • • • A SEEDY looking opium smoker wandered Into a gambling house sad watched them play faro bank for a while. After fumbling about la his pockets for some time he drew qut a nickel and placed It on the Jack. The dealer, without noticing the person who placed the coin, reached down and gently but firmly flicked the coin onto the floor. The smoker didn’t say a word, but looked about the floor, got hi* nickel, came back to the table and placed it on the queen. Again the dealer flicked It onto the floor. Again the smoker picked It up, returned to the table and placed it on the ace. The dealer calmly brushed It off the table again and, as It clattered around In the farther corner, he looked the opium smoker squarely In the eye and said: "And I want to tell you, young feller, we don’t DEAL Tor that kind of money." The smoker drew himself up and said, "Well, then, deal for any PART of it" • • • rnwo smokers wers wandering along in the snow. It was bitter cold and they were down and out. Just as they turned the wind-swept comer one of them stooped down and picked up a quarter. "Lucky,” said the other. "Nope, not lucky; there’s a guy leaves that here for me every night— sometimes a HALF." rpWO dope fiends wers sentenced to Sing Sing on separate charges. After they had been In about three months they met In the prison chapel one Sunday morning. One said, "Hello, Bill, when do you get ont of here?" BUI replied, "In about ten years." "You’re Just the guy I’m looking for,” said his friend, pulling a letter from his pocket "I want you to mall this letter.” • • • TN 1888 a theatre In Tacoma where only ribald and suggeetlve songs were appreciated by the sailor and longshoreman audiences was visited by the chief of police, a few clergymen and grand Jurors with a view to re voking the license of the place. The manager of the theatre, J. Willie, a notorious dope fiend, heard they were coming and warned his actors to eliminate all suggestive songs and Jokes. The performance that night was received 1n utter silence. During the afterpiece the crusaders left the place satisfied that the per- formance was rotten, but not vulgar or Immoral. Aa the last reformer left the theatre. J. Willie yelled to his favorite comedian from an upper box: "Lead your ace,’Johnny; lead your ace." • • • A SMOKER of “seconds"—meaning a fiend who never had enough money to buy real opium, but derives some satisfaction out of the ashes—played ten cents In a Chinese lottery In ’Frlsoo one day and Ml & seven spot which netted him two dollars. He carried this Immense fortune over to Oakland and played faro. He was lucky, and cashed In over eighty dollars’ worth of chips. The money waa paid to him In quarters, half dollars and a few of the cumber some cartwheel dollars of the West, making quite a Jingle as his hand fondled In his pocket He stepped on the Oakland ferry, with the air of a successful gambler During his entire life he had not eaten a first-class meal, so he strolled to the lunch counter on the boat, Jingling his wealth, and said to a waiter In a most impressive and posl^ve manner- tS "1 waiit three sofi-boileU •££», and on* el them MLol be good.* .