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b E rJ » TIEARST'S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA. DA. SUNDAY. SEPTEMBER 14. 1013. Jeffs Aim Wasn't So ftad at That By “Bud” Fisher A Few Minutes with Mutt and .Teff Appear Every day in The Atlanta Georgian. Copyright. 1913 b> the Star Company. Great Britain Bights Reserved. Harry Breen jtrr, toO»n fee*N’ HUNTING VA£,Lt?»,TH& NKTIONM. - t>0 YOU Cr«T *AE > * * **.*<«; BifUi. ve**N ♦-'SV.O To C, -roo.Fooa S'*ap! vnm>tim4. tvio^ shwas bHooriNtM rnt sk.v um novrs th« e. e a^y rumpj. , "iN^O 'Coup OuLLpT. t OU<*MT To ' duyr Youn Move , rue IDEA.' those shells cost 7<t CKH.YOU PER.IOO iUT- .. Ji The Deacon s Mistake. ..CIBTKR HENDERSON fairi •5 Deacon Hyphcrs severely, you should avoid even the appear ance of evil " "Why, Deacon, what do you mean?” asked Sister Henderson. I observed that on your sideboard >ou have several rut-glass decanters, and that each of them is half filled with what appears lo be ardent spirits." "Well, now. Deacon, it Isn't any thing of the kind The bottles look so pretty on the sideboard that I just filled them halfway with some floor and furniture polish, just for a ppea ranees." "That’s why I'm cautioning you. sister.” replied the Deacon "Feeling a trifle faint. I helped myself to a dose from the big bottle in the mid dle.” 44 Cheer Up. I SOMETIMES wonder if life is worth living." mused the pes simist. "tt is." replied the optimist. “It is worth living much better than most of us live it." A Personal Application. 4♦ C AY Parson,” said Elder lien > ^ at the church board meeting, here are the resignations of all of the quartette choir.” "My. my.” said Doctor Fourthly in distress, "what's the trouble?” Your announcement Sunday morn ing.” replied Elder Merry sternly. You know yon said ‘Providence having seen fit to afflict all our choir with bad colds, let us join in sing ing Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow ." He Meant Well. O LD AIN'T (despondently I—Well. I shall not bp a nuisance to you much longer. Nephew 1 reassuringly 1—Don't talk like that, aunt You know you will. Discouraging. M U JORDAN was touring by mo tor car. and arrived at a crowded village inn quite late one evening. There was no spare bed to be had which was a great dis appointment. as ho was tired, and very much disliked the thought of driving farther that night. “Haven’t you at least a bundle — f hay you can give me?” he de in a need of the iamiiad> "There isn't a thing left she an swered. ' except a bit of cold roast An Oversight. T HE steamboat came spl; ;ii"g along her course, at full speed, aud the first thing the passengers knew had crashed head-on into the pier. Mercy!" cried a passenger. T wonder what is the matter?" “Nothin’,” said Pat, one of the deckhands * Nothin'. ma’am -ut looks to me as if the captain just forgot that we stop here.” A Serious Error. *4\7 0U’VE made a mistake fn your * paper,” said the indignant man, entering the editorial sanc tum. "1 was one of the competitors at the athletic match yesterday and you have called me the well-known lightweight champion." “Well, aren't you?” said the edi tor. No. I'm nothing of the kind; and It s confoundedly awkward because, you see. I’m a coal merchant.” Bright Side. ,,TTE always tries to see the bright *1 side " "What's happened?' He was run by an automo bile yesterday and almost killed, yet the first thing he said when he re gained consciousness was. 'Gee whir.! after fifteen years I've got a chance to cash in on an accident policy!' ” “The Man of Few Words” T HAT'S ma's house! I can see the old gables on It' Same old mortgage on It' Father gave it to mother, dollar down—and u sheriff a week! Oh. look at the bay windows. How cflcn I've seen my dear old mother washing them with bay rum! And look at the butler’s pantry, where he puts on his pantry pants! It will he good to see mother! Mabe she won't know me with this gold tooth! A lot of squirrels fol lowed me here 1 beard one of them say; “Keep after him—hell make a good meal; he’s nutty.” But they’ll never get me! I'll go to Brazil with the rest of the nuts. It's mv parents' fault I’m this way. 1 was born on Hallowe’en My father w as a colonel. My young son works In an office. We call him office nut. “Ah. tls you, mother! Don’t you know- me, mother, with this collar on? The war Is ever. They told me 1 had killed enough men to-day, and sent me home halt a nhour earlier. Look, mother, I’ve brought home an Invention—an ear muff for next Summer, mothec— to keep the juice of the watermelon out of people’s ears. "His mind will he ail right when he can remember his maiden came! Let’s go out and see the old garden, mother. Oh, look at the condensed-milk weeds! Look at the little leave-me- nots! Mother planted them. Then she planted father Those were the happy days! “Mother, there’s no use to ask me to have sense. You know In your heart that I’ve been eating with rav knife ever since I was born It's hereditary. Father doue it, mother. You brought it all on yourself, mother. Why, every time you bn- green peas you put knives on til lable! That done it! "Look at the table all set. What elegance! A meal fit for a king! l.ook at the napkins! Sister must have been eating at the swell hotels lately! Oh, see the silverware! Brother must have been along with sister! And look at the cubes of mulliga- tawney Now, dear father won’t have to SIP, SIP. HOORAT! How ather used to fight with the neighbors.’ One hundred and oighty-three battles and never won one! Yes, I’ll sit down, mother. But I wouldn't have If that City chap had a been a sittln’ down at our festive board. I can’t stand to have him around, mother Why? Ah, mother, there be rumors In the village!. The7 say he wears paper collars ‘‘But, mother, we can’t sit down without father. Where is he? He MUST be up for see—you are uslna a sheet for a table cloth. Such a spread! Look at the bologna! See It glisten In the sun—sun-kls3ed liver wurst! “Well, mother, I’m off to the war again. They may want me back In the front ranks. Good bye. mother, if the landlord comes for the rent, tell him you’ll fight it out on these lines if it takes all Summer “I’ll be home the first Sunday you have meat. Some New Jokes From Everywh Hated to Give In. T HE minister of a parish in Scot land was called to effect a rec onciliatlon between a fisherman of a certain village and his wife. After using all the arguments in his power to convince the offending husband that it was unmanly in him, to say the least, to strike Folly with his fist, the minister concluded: "David, you know' that the wife is the weaker vessel, and you should have pity on her.” "Weel, then,” said David, sulkily, "if she’s the weaker vessel, she ghoul carry the less sail." As Per Label. A WELL KNOWN artist tells of an amusing colloquy in an art gallery where two young women were viewing a copy of Millet's "Glean era.'' One of the young women was car ried away by her enthusiasm. "How beautiful! How wonderful! What art!’ she exclaimed. "Above all, how natural!" Then, after a pause, she said: "But what are those people doing?” Drawing near to read the title, she added, "1 see! Gleaning millet! How wonderfull How beautiful!” Sarcasm. W HEN one wants a mistake cor rected, it is always well to ex press the demand impressively. A Maine lumber dealer recently shipped a carload of lumber to a firm in Baltimore. Upon receipt and examination the customer dictated to his stenographer the following terse and telling mes sage. which was immediately wired: "Knot-holes received: please send the knots." Strictly Modern. M R. HENNER (showing summer boarder through the chicken house)—It's up lo date, you see. There is the feeding pen, here the dusting room: at this end is the wa tering trough, and on that side you see the nesting boxes. Summer Boarder (earnestly) — Strictly modern, isn't it? And do the hens really lay their own eggs?” The Only Way. 4*T WAS unl.v acting the part of for a moment and said, slowly and deliberately: "Oblige me, sir. by laying a little money that same way for me.” ”M V „ Quite Obvious. her husband, what is a ca nard ?" "Don't .'on know what a canard is 0 " queried Snaggs rather sneer Ingly. "Why, the word itself conveys its own meaning!” "Does It? Well, really. 1 can’t see it What does it mean, dear?" ‘ Why, a canard is something one canardlv believe, of course’" "Oh. to be sure.’ Why couldn’t I thick of that ”’ Only To Be Expected. T HE OPTIMIST—I hesr Brown smith is going to he married. The Pessimist Serves him right 1 never did like that fellow Too Honest. 4,C1R. said the office boy to his employer, as you know very well that my family is in perfect health. I ask you to let me off this afternoon to go to the ball game "Young man." replied the boss, you are entirely too honest. I have ray suspicions of you You are fired ' Proceedings Stopped <*yOt’R husband is willing to al- I low you the custody of the an- tomobil \ the poodle and the rubber plant, while he lakes the children aud the graphophone Stop the divorce," sobbed the wife ‘I'll never get another hus band like that. IMPOSSIBLE By F S. JACOBS If Cubist art in oils and hues Is really what it seems, Why should such work in word reviews Be just poetic dreams? PEACHTREE STREET How Calm and Peaceful is the Din With ivhich Peachtree Resounds; A thousand Noises mingle in To Deafen out ail Sounds. The tvalks are strips of Listless Life In Longing, Languid Clinch; Such Crouds are gathered there in Strife, No one can Budge an inch. For those of Melancholy mind, *Tis just the place to Go, A High-geared auto from Behind Soon Ends their tale of Woe. 'Tis thus that Peachtree street would be Sweet toy in endless reams. If Cubist art in poetry Were really what it seems. * peacemaker," explained the prisoner. "Rut you knocked the man sense less, the magistrate pointed out. “I did." was the answer. There was no other way to get peace." A Compliment. J INGLE—De Courcy Smythe boasts that he can trace his ancestry back to the Normans. Winkle—Well, the Normans are dead, and they won’t mind. Tough Life. T HE late James R. Keene, himself almost a Forty-niner.- used to lell many a story about the char acters of those days. "It was difficult then." lie once said, "to be a temperance man, for to refuse to drink with a Forty-niner was a worse offense than to kiss his wife. ’ A Forty-niner, twirling his long drooping mustache, said to a tender foot in a barroom: Have some red-eye with me?’ " Thank you. no,' said the tender foot, a total abstainer, firmly. "There was a tease silence in the crowded bar. A pin could have been heard to drop. Then the Forty- niner reached back to his hip pocket and said wiih a weary sigh: " Can’t 1 even take a drink with out killin' a man?'" No Alternative. A N anxious traveler in a street car. with watch in hand, seeing he had only a few minutes in which to catch a train, said to the con ductor; "Can’t you make any fast er time than this?" "Yes. answered the conductor. I can. but I have to stay with the car.” The Present Time. 4 N American mother was trying h. to instill in her 7-vear-old daughter a spirit of patriotism while they were traveling in Mexico. “Doris,” she said, “this is George Washington’s birthday!” "Is it?” Doris queried indifferently. Wliat'd he get?" Got to Eat. A CLERGYMAN met one of his parishioners in a country lane late one night. "It's pretty damp for a man with rheumatism to be prowling about at night, eh, William?" “Well, sir, I'm following the doc tor’s advice." “Why, did he tell you to be out at night ?” "Not exactly, sir, but he said ihai 1 needed chicken!” The Last Word. TTOTFOOT—Yes. sir; when we were 4* ambushed we got out without losing a man, or a horse, or a gun. or" “A minute,” chimed in a small, thin voice. look For Men, Free 8,000 Words, 30 Illustrations No Cabaret. TSSIONARY—If you are about to kill me. let me sing a hymn. Cannibal—No, sir! No music with meals in this place. A Boast. IVTISS D 1 can trace ray ancestors back to the Reformation Miss E.—That’s nothing: I can trace mine back years and years be fore they attempted to reform. Business Pal. Tt/T ESSENGER—-Who’s the swell ye was talking to. Jimmie” Newsboy—Aw! Him an' rat's worked together for years. He's the editor o' one o' my papers. A Safe Bet. A DURHAM farmer was traveling to London to cofTsuit a lawyer, when the fear struck him that he had left certain important papers be hind. He made a hurried search of his bag. If I did leave those papers." he remarked. I’m a fool!" I believe it'll turn out I'm a fool! Just as he was examining the last bundle of papers he exclaimed; "Well. I'll bet I'm a fool!" A man on the other side of the compaitmcut lowered his newspaper Misconstrued. A N American motoring through a tx small Scotch town was pulled up for excessive speed "Didn't you see that notice. Dead Slow ? inquired the policeman " 'Course I did." returned the Yankee, "but I thought it referred to your durned little town!” Caution. A HOY who had been absent from school for several days re turned with his throat carefully swathed, and presented this note to his teacher: "Please don't let my son learn any German to-day. His throat is so sore he can hardly speak English." 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