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—3 ATLANTA, GA., SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 1913. -HTZL- — —- ®®B>‘
All the World’s a Stage
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist.
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Have a Laugh with Julius Tannen —
GOOD audience. Including stand
ing roomers as well as slttees,
I bld you a fond good even
ing! I want to apologize for being
i little tahdy (get the English stuff),
a little tahdy, but I was just playing
pokah with some of the boys in the
dressing room —I say pokah; the "r"
Is silent as dog In sausage.
This afternoon I went Into one of
our large department stores with a
friend from Brooklyn—as a matter
of fact, I had two friends in Brook
lyn. but I haven’t paid the other back
yet. Well, this man I dare to call
friend Is one of these deuced Eng
lishmen, one of these fellows who
wears a single eyeglass so one eye
cant see more than the other can
understand. Tn fact. I might be so
bold as Jo say he is a person whom
you might say would make some girl
a nice wife.
Xs I was about to relate, we got
Into this department store, by dint of
our sturdy elbows, and narrowly es
caping a dint in either eye by the
hatpin route. Os course, you all
know what a department store Is.
But for the benefit of those who
don’t I’ll just say In passing that It's
a place where you can get anything
but a place to sleep while waiting to
be wafted on.
I wanted to purchase a dozen wa
lerproof handkerchiefs for crying
purposes. You see, you can cry all
over one side of these tear-absorb
ers, turn them over and repeat the
process all over the other side, and
by that time the first side Is dry.
Dramatic critics buy them by the
crate, and they are the one solid
comfort of those having hay fever.
Well, I got the dozen, and I’m hav
ing them done Into a raincoat.
Let me tell you a little about my
private life. Speaking flatly, I’ve
3opyrl«bt, 1913. by the tßar C*Ni>j
rented an apartment to live In while
I’m in New- York this Wister—while
I’m away tbe janitor will camp there
—and It’s really very nice. The
rooms are held together by wall
paper. I have a dear little Spitz dog,
and this apartment Is so small that
be has to wag his tall north and
south all the time.
And you really ought to see my
Persian cat She’s a rugged little
creature. I bought her for a full
blooded Persian, but I was deceived.
I've found out that she’s half Mor
mon. That completes my menagerie.
With a ferocious dog and a jealous
Oriental cat 1n the house you can
see It’s no place for chickens.
I was standing in front of the
theatre this evening holding a lively
conversation with a well-known
theatrical manager. I say a conver
sation, but as a matter of fact I did
most of the talking. When I got
V. G<w Britain lUZUtn rin-1.
> through all he said was "No.”
> You'll notice that as I stand here
> spouting these sweet nothings I In-
> termlttently look behind me and
I make as if to dodge. Pm righteously
, nervous. I come on just before the
: trained leopards. They’re prowling
I around back there now, and I don’t
want them to come through the cur-
• tain and bite me —right In the mld
i die of my—act. But I've got those
leopards spotted, so I may escape.
Speaking of trained things reminds
. me of the last town I played. They
. had trained fleas on the bill. Those
i fleas were the most particular creat
ures I ever saw. Each flea had his
own private dog. At the rate of one
i dog per flea the managers had to
• carry nineteen dogs from town to
town with their act.
On that same bill they had an
Italian quartet. Y’ou know a quartet
. is a group of four people, each of
whom thinks the other three can’t
Bing. Well, It was remarkable how
faithful to their respective dogs
those fleas were, until that quartet
came along. Then the fleas simply
deserted their dogs cold and eloped
with the singers.
But I owe a great deal to those
Italians for teaching me how to eat
spaghetti. It was from them that I
found out that spaghetti should al
ways be eaten with the head well
over the plate. And it should be
'aten preferably on the lawn. If not
on the lawn, at least by the yard.
I happened to be sitting out In the
audience during part of the show in
that town. Annette Kellerman was
on the bill, and I wanted to see her
from the front. Os course, you’ve
all seen Annette, At any rate, you’ve
seen most of her.
Well, I was sitting down In the
orchestra, admiring her—perform-
The Popular Mirth Creator in
Vaudeville
ance, and a man and his chubby wife
were seated right in front of me.
Wifey turned to hubby and said,
"Well, that woman beats me." He
agreed. She got so sore she hauled
him out of the theatre.
I wonder If many of you have no
ticed the new system the New York
barbers are playing now. They fill
your ears up w-lth sound proof soap,
just enough to last for one shave,
and while you’re Innocently reposing
under the razor's dulcet touch, the
gentle barber asks you all those
compromising questions, which, of
course, you can't hear. Proceeding
on the theory that silence means
consent, you slowly realize that you
are undergoing a singe, shine, sham
poo. haircut, manicure, facial mas
sage and general tonsorial vivisec
tion. When It’s all over, the barber
indulgently holds your hat while you
go home for more money,
Watch for the
Magazine Section
of
Next Sunday’s American
Twelve pages teeming
with the unusual
Back to Nature
Another Little Journey in the News.
Copyright. 1918. by the Star Company. Or.at Britain Rights R«aerve&
j—yLNGOR, Me.—A. man &y the name of Rnmolee ha» dedaneA that if
primitive man could manage to live in the virgin foreet. rurelu
modern man, with the advantagee of an education, can do lUto
wiee. and, to prove it. he hae gone deep into the Maine woodt abeotuteiv
nude, without so much as a knife or a match. He taye he will make fires
at the Indians did, snare pome, catch fish and Hoe oomfartaldp and tc«U
for thirty days, fust to demonstrate that he is right-—NEWS ITEM.
NOTE.—To prove that we are quite as willing to endnre baMahlpa as
Mr. Knowles, especially In such a worthy, scientific cause, we assigned Mr.
I*win Allen to burry up Into the Maine woods and do likewise. Once a
week during tbe month Joe Gamac, an old trapper, will go tn to the woods
and get Mr. Alien’s story as he 0411 write it from day to day. Mr. Alien
Is provided with paper and pencil, but Is to use it for writing purposes
only. He has gone into the woods under exactly the .same conditions as
Mr. Knowles, except that he la not quite as wen dressed as Knowles, be
ing somewhat bald. It Is with considerable pride we print herewith the
account of his first week In the Maine woods disguised as primitive man.
this disguise copslstlng solely of removing ail clothing.—EDlTOß.
MONDAY —Ab I sit here In the shade of a giant pine tree on a moss
covered rock—did you ever try to sit on a moes-covered rock in
the altogether? —and think of the pages of union suit advertis
ing In the backs of the magazines. It seems to me such a garment would
make my happiness complete. Eve haa all my sympathy. I don't blame
her for hastening to eat an apple so she could have an excuse for de
manding clothes. I would eat a barrel of apples for one pair of
ordinary burlap pajamas.
Fortunately. I ate a hearty breakfast betfOre entering tbe woods, and
It was along toward evening before I really yearned to be where I could
grub a long, four-page menu, and, running my finger down the printed
lines, order everything on it, even the music. But I found some berries
and ate those, and remembered that the inner part of bmkea are tender
and edible, so I had nearly enough to satisfy tbe appetite of a neurotic
canary.
Just at dusk, as I was wandering through the ferret, a large mosquito
found me. Trumpeting to his mates, they started the chase, and only by
burying myself in a mound of pine needles was I able to escape them. It
Is all right to spread blankets over pine needles and sleep on them, but
to curl up tn them "au nature!” Is some thing else again. You feel ail
over Just tbe way your foot feels when it Is asleep.
TUESDAY —I never believed there were so many living things In the
deep woods. I have heard about the si’ent forests, but I was awakened
at a cold, gray dawn by the screeching of birds, barking of gray squirrels,
and I think even the fish in the pond nearby squealed a little I hastened
to the bank of a stream and kneeled to drink, but Cite bank caved ia, and
I plunged Into the Icy water. Tell Peary for me that he doesn't know
what It Is to be really cold. Out here tn a mountain stream at daybreak,
with nothing to wear but goose-flesh, an Eskimo would freeze to death.
I ran around and around for an hour to get warm, but had to stop became
that gave me an nptwtlte. and I would have gladly paid one hundred and
nine dollars for just a Turkish towel.
Os all the fool Ideas, this playing at primitive man is the Limit. It
I had the man here who suggested thia scheme I would wallop him so
hard all his relatives would be in the hospital a week. Os course I had
to eat Still, If I had my choice between a meaJ-eack overcoat and a
planked tenderloin, I'd take tbe meal-sack. But on tbe shore of tbe pond
I saw a frog. Great Idea! With a pole I walloped a dozen of them, ajld
with the aid of a sharp rock and my fingernails I dressed those frog legs.
Then I got some dry stick* and rubbed them together until I rubbed all
the skin from my knuckles and wore out five sticks. Finally I go* a
spark of fire, blew this Into a flame, hung the legs on a rtl<* and broiled
them.
Believe me, I have paid as high as 122 for a dinner, but it wasn't
one-eighth as good as that meal. Os course I realize that Nature made a
grave mLstake in not growing frogs with salt on their legs, and I wouldn't
have minded if I could have had a canteloupe, some toast and eggs and
coffee and chops and things to go with them, but I felt better after eating,
and the only faux pae I made was attempting to put my band In my
pocket for money to tip the waiter.
I found a big bed of tposs and went to sleep. I must have been tired,
for that is all I remembered until some one stepped on me the next
morning. It was a bear!
WEDNESDAY—That made at least two bears, or bares, considered
phonetically. I emitted a yell and started to climb a tree. It was a
pine tree and full of pitch, which aided me considerably In getting up.
When the bear stepped on me I said “Oof!" Then I yelled, and the bear
said "Woof!" By the time I was half-way up the tree the bear was
crossing the Canadian border. I waited an hour and then came down.
Did you ever climb a sticky pine tree wearing nothing except a few
shreds of moss In your hair? What's the use? You wouldn’t understand
It, and I couldn’t describe It
Caught two turtles and some more frogs. Dissected turtle with a
fifty-pound rock. Made a drinking cup of birch bark —happy idea. To
morrow I will build me a birch bark suit Dust has gathered In tbe
spots of pitch on me, and my only fear Is some hunter will shoot me for a
spotted leopard.
THLTiSDAY —Those blrefi bark suits are a failure. I made a dandy
one, but as I was broiling frog legs it caught fire. I leaped Into the pond,
otherwise your correspondent would have been a dark lump of ashes on
the Maine map.
Am proud of myself. By sharpening a turtle shell on a rock I made
a hook, and with some wild grapevine mana*-ed to catch a trout. That
trout was fine, and I made some real fish hooks out of his backbone.
I now keep a big fire going all the time, as It takes me about six hours
rubbing dry sticks together to make a fire.
FRIDAY —Eureka! I now have a dandy suit. Made It from the
bearded moss that hangs from trees. Tied It on with wild grapevine.
Now I look like an old felt mattress that Towser has been chewing on
for a week, but am considerably warmer.
SATURDAY —I am some eighteen miles deeper In the woods. I saw
a party of campers to-day arrive at tbe pond with several ladles. Here
In my camp I built a little hut out of broken branches, lined It with
moss, made a big fire-place and expected to be quite comfortable. I
would have been, too, but for four things, namely:
Built my camp on the nest of some red ants;
Poison Ivy grows luxuriantly all about:
A large black snake tried to shake hands with me:
The foliage was eo dry It caught fire from the fire-place aad burned
up my camp.
By leaping Into the stream I saved myself, but my moss suit is de
stroyed.
I may stay here another week, and I may go back and wait until
those campers hang out some clothes, steal those, and hurry back.
P. S —Did you ever make a pipe out of acorns and hollow weed
stems and try to smoke sweet fern?
It is about as eujoyable as a drink of water At a German plcnle.
LEWIS ALLEN.