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Mult Knew He Didn’t Deserve Anything Like That .Z
Mutt and Jeff Appear Every Da yin The Atlanta Georgian. Copyright. 1913. by the Star Company Great Britain Rights Reserved.
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Trimmed by His Valet
A Funny Scene from the Musical Comedy
Success “Adele.”
Oopyrtfht. l»l*. by U» Star <VW«r>7 <*••’ HICbU KnwriMl.
JACQUES— Are you going on a Journey?
CHARLES—I am.
JACQUES— Surely not without me. Monsieur?
CHARLES —You can Join me later—it you think fit.
JACQUES —1 don’t understand, sir.
CHARLES—It Is the density of your Intelligence
which makes you an Ideal valet.
JACQUES— I put ft on with my livery, sir. Any
thing else?
CHARUI9-Yes! Fetch me my pistols.
JACQUES—Your pistols’
CHARLES— Precisely! I need them. 1 wish to
blow nry brains out
JACQUES—Mon Dim! No!
CHARLES—I am perfectly serious, Jacques. I have
a fancy to commit suicide.
JACQUES —Monsieur, suicide Is a mistake one can
never rectify.
CHARLES—Since one doeen’t live to realize it
that's no objection.
JACQUES —Pardon me. Monsieur, but are you—er
■—financially embarrassed?
CHARLES —••Financially embarrassed!” That Is
what gentlemen are when they’re broke? N’est ce
pan?
JACQUES —Yes, Monsieur.
CHARLES —Then I am! Broke—shattered, pul
verized !!
JACQUES —But a imldde Invalidates your Insur
ance. M’sleur' You mnsn't think of it. Would you
honor me by accepting a loan from me, Monsieur?
CHARLES —From you! My good Jacques—five or
ten francs are of no use to me.
JACQUES —No, sir, but —fifty thousand
CHARLES—Fifty thousand!
JACQUES fmodtstlyj—My savings!
CHARLES—You have—saved—money out of your
wages!
JACQUES- -It isn't so much what I’ve saved, sir,
as what Ihhavee —er —acquired.
CHARLES- Acquired' Put that lu the pigeonhole
with financially embarrassed.
JACQUES —You have a Jest for everything, M’sleur!
CHARLES—Yes. even for the fifty thousand francs
amassed at my expense.
JACQUES —Seventy-five thousand, to be exact.
CHARLES —Nom du diable! How did you man
age It?
JACQUES —"Little drops of water! Tiny grains
of sand.
Make a mighty ocean—help to form the laud."
In other words, sir. a cigar here, a cigar there; occa
sionally a box—or boiea——
CHARLES—WeII! Upon my honor
JACQUES —I never smoked them. sir. Never! I
wouldn’t so far forget say station in life. I sold them.
CHARLES —Seventy five thousand francs' worth of
cigars! Impossible!
JACQUES —Yes, Monsieur, but—at times, I turned
my attention to your wines! You know, you drink
nothing but the best
CHARLES Elvldeetly being a eonnulssejr has Its
drawbacks. Hid yon ever go thro’ my pockets?
JACQUES —Only the trouser pockets' Six times a
week; never oa Sundays. 1 always respect the Sab*
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CHARLES—JacquesI You have the makings of a
successful company promoter!
JACQUES —Then you’ll accept the loan of fifty
thousand—at six per cent. Monsieur?
CHARLES—No! I'm very much obliged to you,
my honest Jacques, but fifty thousand—even seventy
five, are to me, as a drop fn a bucket!
JACQUES (reproachfully.)—You make me feel, air,
ns though I had neglected opportunities
CHARLES—No man could “do” more than you have
done. And now —the pistols!
JACQUES —Oh. air! That’s such a noisy method!
Anything hut pistole, sir
CHARLES—Your devotion touches me. but cannot
alter my determination.
JACQUES —It Isn’t that so much, sir—but—l—l—
l’ve pawned them.
CHARIJDS—Sucre! TPs a pretty thing when a
gentleman can't blow his own brains out while he’s
In the mood
JACQUES —I will redeem the pistols, sir; at my
own expense.
CHARLES—It's the least you can do! Jacques!
When I am no more--don't hide your light under a
bushel—go tn for politics.
(Jacques poet out. and a little later returns
with the pistols.)
JACQUES —Pve taken your pistols out of pawn,
sir Here they are. Monsieur, as good as new!
CHARLES—Jacques! You are a treasure!
(Jacques makes all these apparently callous re
marks with (treat emotion )
JACQUES —Thank you. Monsieur. I bought some
suitable ammunition on the way. Shall I load them?
CHARLES —Jacques! Your Intelligent anticipa
tion of eventualities amounts almost to a disease.
Yes! Ix>ad the pistols.
JACQUES —I was In hopes you'd changed your
mind. Monsieur, but not wishing to go out again, I
took a chance and laid tn a supply! .
CHARLES—My good fellow! You are hardly
human!
JACQUES —-It is not correct, then, that you’re
going to marry the little country girl?
CHARLES -Yes It Is!
JACQUES —Tt Is! Monsieur.’ pardon my seeming
Impertinence, but if you blow your brains out. how
can you marry.
CHARLES Losing one’s brains is a necessary
preliminary to matrimony
JACQI ES—Yes. sir! So they say. There you are.
Monsieur! Loaded In every barrel. If you miss
yourself the first time, you can have another shot
CHARLES- Wbat a grains you display In provid
ing against contingencies! That’s all tor the present
Jaeqnee! You may go
JACQUBS—Any message—for your friends. M'sleur!
CHARLES—Oh! Tell Monsieur Parmaceau, when
he cornea, in the morning, that I have thought the
matter over and I prefer death.
JACQUES- —It ain’t exactly a compliment tn the
young lady; but as you wish, nmasleur. Monsieur!
Would yon prefer immortelles or violets?
CHARI.BS—I leave that to your individual, unfail
ing good taste. Jacques—and T thank you in advance
for your tribute to my memory. Talking of memory,
I recollect there's a box of cigars left and several bot
tles of wine
JACQUES —Thank you. Hr: but when the Sheriff
put !n his appenrsnee I disposed of them. I—l sold
them to Monsieur Pirmaccau. Good-by, gtr;
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HEARST’S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA. GA., SUNDAY. SEPTEMBER 21. 1913.
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P ersonal Mit Business
Brontx of September 14, 1913, New York City.
MY YE! SON:
From something. 1 don't know what, I am sick like possible.
Just before I get sick I got a bad check.
I wouldn't feel so bad If I didn't give that murder what gave me the
check a good dinner to eat. good wine to drink nnd a good cigar to smoke.
The cigar I know wuz good because the man what give him to me I buy
from him lots goods for eash.
Don’t think that I am sick from you. It’s not your fault you don’t
get orders. I know you are trying. Say. they don’t build Rosie to-day!
It worry me when I can’t give you just what you ask. Don’t you
think it hurts me when I send you ten dollars and you ask for fifty? Have
some feeling for a father that wants to give his children everything they
ask. Next time ask for ten.
I got from your Uncle Schmendrick a letter that It comes over here
two poor boys; together they are brothers. He say I should be so good to
take them off from the ship and give them work. They ain’t got papa
mamma. You know what a good heart I got so I so over by Ellis on his
Island and there I seen a man he have a suit like Kaiser Willem der
Grocer.
He come over to me and talk mit a kind murder's voice. He makes
me frightened and right away I take off my hat He ask mo what I want
and I tell him. And I tell him too I ata a citizen nnd I am not afraid.
Then you ought to see how nice he speak to
me. He didnt know the difference.
He say that those two boys are a little sick,
and If I want them I must give guaranteement
to support them for life or he’ll send them
ba,k to Europe. When I hear they are sick
I feel so sorry for them that It’s better they
go back to Europe. It’s healthy there.
When I wuz coming back on the ferry there
I see a greenhorn mit a family, all big, strong.
I make right away nice talk mit him and I
take him to work in the factory the whole
family, eight. I give them to eat and to drink
six months for nothing, and the care I take
for them! So good they worked themselves
up by me that in four weeks more they will
already get wages.
I wuz already in that hotel you mentioning.
Such a high toua from a place! My! Oh
my! They charge $3 a night for one sleep'.
But by me It’s nothing. 1 always like to see the best
Never I’ll forget the good heart from a boy there mit a eoldier suit
He sees how I carry the heavy sample cases and right away he takes them
from my hands and carries them for me, brings me over to the bookkeeper
from the hotel, and the bookkeeper say “I’m sorry but we’re all full.” Well,
I don t mind that Say. I have sometimes a little Schnapps myself.
Just then comes over a man who wants a sleep and the bookkeeper tell
him the hotel Is crowded, but If he’ll alt down a little mavbe he’ll have for
him an empty room, and he sit dow, I wuz Hred j slt dowu to „
Then I get so tired I fall nsleep right in the chair, and they start in te
wake me and push me; and how they pushed me yet; mit the chair and
all. But such a sound sleep I got they couldn't wake me up. From knock
ing and pushing maybe I waked up a little about 2 o'clock tn. a., but when
I think of the three dollars right sway I fall asleep again.
When I open my eyes It's daylight time. So I go to wash myself. It
stands there the bookkeeper. Such a nice man mit feelings. He say that
if 1 am coming again to-night I should better bring my lunch mit me.
I hat night I am Just going to the hotel when I meet on the way rela
tives who 1 went to see I’ll bet mit you right away you'll know who is it?
You know Tana Layafagel's third cousin Herrachel? Well, his brother-in
law’s cousin * a uncle. He’s a very rich man. and auch a beautiful house
wbat he lives! Full mit mansions. He’s got a whole lot servant*, and
diamonds hla wife la got! Big Hke chunks coal!
Such a nice woman tola wtfe is. Right away she say I must have
something to eat. And the servants bring ducks, soups, roasu, a couple
kind* meats and vefvukat, wum* ,
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Copyright, 191 S. by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
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Just lor Fun
Copyright, 1913 by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
Obviously Untrue.
THE managing editor was disappointed and he told the city
editor so.
“Why didn’t you print that story young Pounder turned
in last night?’’ he wanted to know.
“Which story?’’ asked the city editor.
“The one about the crazy man scattering money through the
city streets. That was a good story and full of interest. It would
have been exclusive, too. I see the other paper hasn’t got it.”
“Well, I didn’t print it because I thought it one of Pounder’s
fakes.”
“What made you think so?”
“It stands to reason. If it had been true Pounder would have
been following him yet.”
HE place for a mother-in-law is in the home—her own home.
DEFINITION of a Boarding House Strawberry Shortcake:
A circular solid, every point in whose perimeter la equivalent
from the strawberry.
441UTAY T make a confidant of you,
I’* old man?”
“Why, certainly. What is it?”
“Well, to tell you the honest truth
I'm dreadfully hard up and want
$50.”
“You can trust me. I am as silent
as the grave. I have hqard noth
ing."
The Host Was Pleased.
EVERETT HALE,”
“ said a lawyer, "was one of the
guests at a millionaire's dinner.
"The millionaire was a free spend
er, but he wanted full credit for ev
ery dollar put out. And, as the din
ner progressed, he told his guests
what the more expensive dishes had
cost. He dwelt especially <?n the
expense of the large and beautiful
grapes, each bunch a foot long, each
grape bigger than a plum. He told,
down to a penny, what he had fig
ured It out that the grapes had cost
him apiece. The guests looked an
noyed. They ate the expensive
grapes charily. But Dr. Hale, smil
ing, extended his plate and said:
“ ‘Would yon mind cutting me off
about $1.87 worth more, please?”
Had the Advantage.
FIRST MAN— How do you do?
Second Man—Beg pardon, but
you have the advantage of me.
First Man —Yes, I suppose I have.
We were engaged to the same girl;
but you married her.
A Humorous Series of Characteristic Letters
from Simon Mutterzolb to His Son—
By D. Darby Aaronson.
I don’t know what's the matter. Everything what’s expensive Is so
plenty, only the last they bring a small little cup black coffee. Such a crazy
stingy I never seen it
Then he hands me a box cigars I should take. That man was so good
to me I didn’t have the heart to take the whole box an I only take a few
just to show it I’m a gentleman. *
Then we make together lots kinds talk and It get so late they beg me I
should sleep there. A tiling like that I don’t like to refuse. I wouldn't
hurt the feelings from nice people.
In the morning when I wake up they give me a breakfast I tell you
It wuz better eating as they have at weddings.
I like that place so much and them people that I go there every time
lam in that town. And they commenced to take such a liking to me that
the last time 1 wuz there they said that the next time I expect to come lt'«
better I should write. •
Last night I have a dream that Sarah Kaplan, that girl you want to
marry, came to me and her shoes wuz all over mit diamonds. Her dress
wuz made from gold, and in her hands wuz big bundles thousand dollar
bills. She say to me. See that money! I don’t care for It. 1 never did
care for It I wanted to marry your son but It's too late now." But she
hold on tight like anything to that money. Then she ties me la a chair
m t heavy Iron chains and she say "You robbed by me the happiness. You
will feel sorry for It?” And she takes a match and starts to burn , h .
not lots. So satisfied Is he mit them
that if he don't sell them he said hell give them to Velvel for a wed
ding present and I should build a house on them. So I get him right away
a customer for the lots because I don’t want Bella to live so far away
from us, she is yet a daughter.
Please do me a saver. Don’t send no more telegrams because the loaf
ers what bring them is shooting mit craps In my sample room. Gambling
fn a place of business Is a shame for the customers. I wouldn't have It
Them bummers took by me fifteen cents.
You see for yourself how expensive is it telegrams. Please send bette.
letters. It’s the same quick. And even if it ain’t the same quick in a letter
for two cents a stamp at least when I read I know what you say, but tn s
telegram all what you say Is upside down like you wuz drunk or some
thing. English I can read it fluidly but telegram is yet another language.
Write me a letter every day but be sure and put the orders in each
letter.
When a day Is gone and no letter comes from you you don't know how
I worry. I think maybe an order is lost in the mall box.
Every day write if on the letter is only Just one line: "Dear Papa I
am well and saved. Order is inside closed.” For me that’s enough. As
long as I hear from you a word. You know there is so many accidents
now. Remember when Kloteky's son wuz bit mft a train right tn the buoy
aeaeon? Weil —look out
From ywur kind heart father.
SIMON MUTTERZO'LB.
S. P.—Remember a duiiar what yvu pavp to-day U mij intaraat to*
aiurruw.
♦ AY I introduce to you my
I'l fwlend?” asked a fashion
able young man. “He is a lite
wawy man, you know.”
“Indeed!” exclaimed his friend.
“Aw, yes! He sent the 'Society
News’ a list of the guests at the
last pabty, and the editah accept
ed it”
It Wouldn’t Interfere.
44TI7ANT a job, eh?” said the pros
• ’ pective employer to the
shrewd-looklng applicant for the po
sition as errand boy. “Well, do you
know how far the moon is from the
earth?”
“Naw. sir,” said the youth, “I
don't know. But it ain't close enough
to prevent me from runnin' yer er
rands,”
A Hardy Annual.
GILES (buying furniture for hie
future home) —1 want a mat
tress.
The Shop Assistant —Yessir; a
spring mattress?
Giles —Noa; one as we can use all
the year around.
No Loss.
Blobbs—Do you think the death
of old Closefist will he a loss to the
community?
Slobbs—Well, I understand the
loss is fully covered by insurance.
a uxaivn anu starts io Diirn tne
money. And it makes just like my heart
would break in pieces. I cry so much my
eyes wuz yet wet in the morning when I
waked up.
I warn you in time. A girl what ean
bring such a dreams is no good.
You know to your sister Bella comes a
young man? But such a nice young man he
Is that mit words I can’t explairf you.
His name la Velvel, by her it’s Melville,
and he treats me and mamma to theatres.
Helps me evening In the factory.
Already I love him like a son. Since he
helps me I don’t need no more that woman
what charged me a dollar every time she
cleaned the floor.
His father, too, Is a niee man. I sold
him sene lots on Long Island.
Never mind what people aay its swamps,