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Clothes Don’t Always Make the Man
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Peso*
Hath
Her
Vlctorieo
vol. n.
The Life History
of the
American Clam
Part II of This Thrilling, Throb
bing Story of our Country’s
Greatest Game Anima).
LET ns begin at the begin
ning. Few writers do go.
nowadays, but let us not
be slavish followers of literary
fashion. No; despite all tempta
tions to open each chapter with a
slam-bang-bang, we shall begin
strictly at the beginning.
When the baby clam is born. It
is surrounded with every luxury
by its devoted parents. If It be a
hard clam It Is subjected to every
hardship; If a soft clam, to every
softshlp. The infant clam is
given a whole shell to Itself; this
Is to teach it to be shellfish.
While the cub clams are about,
It Is dangerous to venture near
the mother clam, who will attack
without a word of warning.
Crashing through the jungle with
great bounds, she will fearlessly
charge a pack of clamhounds and
even a man armed with a clam
gun •
Oddities in the News.
Hungarian says that a man will
live to be a hundred If he eats
garlic with every meal. Not If
his friends have a club handy
Vitality: Tramp in Charlotte.
N. C.. was given piece of pie by
a bride. He ate it and managed
to walk more than five miles to
the nearest doctor.
Kirkwood kitten which lost
mouse in a hole is taking reduc
ing exercises, but present indica
tions are that she’ll never bring
herself down enough to be able to
crawl Into a mouse hole. Still,
she will have a more fashionable
figure.
THE MORNING SMILE
Wex Jones, Editor
Atlanta. Sunday, September 21, 1913.
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Kitten Which Lost Mouse in a Hole Is Taking
Reducing Exercises.
Notes on Sports
BASEBALL Is a faster game i
than croquet.
It would be easier to play polo
If the ponies were left out
First base Is like the first chair
:x> a barber shop. .
Cricket Is the favorite game of
Sir Thomas Lipton, owing to the
amount of tea drunk by the play
ers during the game.
Motor boat racing Is much the
same as racing two electric fans
in a bath tub full of soapy water.
if racing is the sport of kings
It Is because royalty doesn't have .
tn take •;•> its markers with the
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist.
OopprlCMe l>ia» by Utt SUr ConjMny. Gtw* Britain BUMb IfTit
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FALL HINTS
DON’T change thin ’uns for
thick ’uns in too much of
a hurry.
On the other hand, remember
that you may be thick although
you wear 'em thin.
You’ll see a lot of theatrical
“knock-’em-dead successes” to
day that will be taken off to
morrow.
You can be a fall guy all the
year round.
There are only 30 September
morns —on the calendar. There's
a sight more in the art stores,
though.
Fall Isn’t so wnrm as Summer
nor so cold as Winter That'*
jUvkebQ WU£ I) a ask,
HEARST’S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, GA., SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 1913.
IN THE SMILE'S
LETTER BOX
CAT CALLS.
TO THE EDITOR—Why and
how does a cat purr?
R. TIMKEN.
(Ft doesn’t; it
mewl—ED.)
EGG PRODUCTION.
TO THE EDITOR—-If a hen
and a half lay an egg and a half
In a day and a half —
(Snuff. We’re a
commuter and
there's no blame
hen and a half
that ever laid
even half an egg
In a week and a
half—ED.)
HABEAS CORPUS.
TO THE EDITOR—I am con
templating a trip to a small town
In Quebec. I wonder If I should
take a writ of habeas corpus
along with me. I have a shotugn
and a fishing rod. but with the
i Thaw case In mind it seems to
‘ me that I may need the habeas
corpus writ as a means of self
defence. R. SMITH.
P. S.: I once sued for a debt,
but never for a writ of habeas
corpus. Not that this has any
thing to do with the case, but I
just thought I’d let you know.
R 3.
LITERARY HINT.
Tn writing a great American
novel, always lay the scenes In
Europe.
,OUR WEEKLY HEALTH HINT.
If you live In Mexico, don't
say you're an American; tell ’em
you’re an Englishman or a Ger
man.
COOKING HINT.
In belling potatoes with their
jackets on. you can tell the pota
toes are cooked when they begin
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Especially
on the
Chautauqua
Circuit.
No. 41.
Our Own Lecture
NO. 2—THE EGG
By 0. VAL SHELLY, Ph.D.
Copyright, HIX. by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
AS I stand here upon this platform looking down Into .the almost
human faces of my vast and possibly Intelligent audience; I want
to say at the outset that I do not care to have the subject of my
lecture thrown up at me.
In the first place the egg—perhaps the hen was In the first place, but
just now we will discuss the egg. Later, when lecturing on English suf
fragists we may discuss the egg’s mother—l say, In the first place an egg
is not always what it is cracked np to be. ,
In the second place the humble egg has done much to lend people who
have a jelly fish where their brain should be to believe they are humorists,
for when eggs are mentioned they can always remark "eggsactly.” Some
times they live until the ambulance reaches the hospital.
Speaking technically, if the ordinary egg bad a crust as great as that
of the grocer wtyo charges 56 cents for nine whole ones and three cracker!
ones, you couldn’t break them open with a steam road roller.
The egg was Intended for two things, first to keep the poultry yard
from getting lonesome, and second, as a food. A man may not know any
more about geometry than he knows about his wife, and yet be able to get
a square meal from oval eggs. They are a great boon to condemned crimi
nals. No man has been successfully hanged or electrocuted during the last
half century without first eating a hearty moal of ham and eggs, and no
newspaper has retained Its circulation and not told of this fact in all its
details.
An egg Is a chicken's bungalow There are a number of ways to pre
pare the egg. One popular method Is to soft-boll them. The manner In
which this is done Is to call the waitress over and say, "Now, Kate, boll
two eggs exactly three and a half minutes.”
Kate will saunter out Into the egg boiling factory, slide a couple of
eggs Into the water and go over and talk to the cook about the swell
"gem'liin” friend she met at the movies the night before. This will be nt
eight-thirty. At eighty-thlrty-nlne she will withdraw the eggs and bring
them to you. After twisting the knife, fork and spoon out of shape trying
to remove the egg. you sarcastically ask Katie if they look soft. She will
come back at you with the peeved assurance you asked for hard boiled
egga
Two good eggs—but why try to Imagine such things? Ordinary eggs
that have been thawed out —(if any one has an Idea I am going to
spring a wheeze about a milkman he is mistaken) —after they are thawed
out and boiled, or blistered In a fry pan, cost about fifteen cents. But go
into some swell hotel and they will mix up one egg with a lot of wilted
green herbs, beat the egg. put on a sprig of parsley and serve It to you—
price sixty cents!
When the Plymouth Rock or White Wyandotte or Dorking lady hen
steps from her nest and spills a lot of chatter, she has done one of two
things—laid an egg or warmed over a china nest egg. If she has laid an
egg. the farmer hitches up and takes it Into the village store where he gets
several dollars’ worth of groceries for it. Then the egg Is shipped to a
gentleman who puts It with some half million others and thrusts it Into
a dungeon keep. Six months later, It, with many others, is brought forth
from the storage plant and libeled—l was going to say labeled, but let It
go as it Is —"Strictly Fresh, 65 cts. doz.”
Mr. Columbus, It Is said, was able to make an egg sit up. Many an
egg has made some one at the table sit up—then get up.
Above all, the little hen's egg furnishes us with a problem beside
which the fourth dimension, a woman's reason, and the excuse for the
New Haven Road are as simple as adding two ciphers. This la an old
problem, entitled "The priority of the germ plasm of the edible feathered
domestic biped." or, translated. "Which was first, the hen or the egg?"
But it is a simple problem. The hen must have come first or the egg
couldn’t have been laid. Where the hen came from we don’t know —and
jjvu ) cut a tats
BIU-YouRE JuSTAs\
(Handsome as ever J
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A Suffragette Lexicon
Copyright Kit by ths Star Company. Grant Britain Rights Reserved.
AMBITION— Something every suffragette has, but Isn’t certain what
It is all about
AMAZON —The earliest suffragettes, who did so much work they
were glad to lot the men take their places.
BALLOT—Something the euffrsgette Is crazy to get, knows little
about, end would hove no use for after she got It
BARGAIN—That which will make a suffragette forget the ballet In
exactly three seconds.
□ ÜBT—A substance that helps make suffragettes less ludicrous
when marching.
HADES —See accounts of activities of militants In England.
JAIL —An English suffragette’s reception room.
\
KISSES—The lack of which, up to thirty, makers woman a suf.
fragette after that age.
t
MAlL—Something the suffragettes are destroying In England.
MALE —Something they say they would destroy, but would rather
capture.
MONEY—That which suffragettes have been taking from men with
out giving adequate return.
MAN—A lowdown, contemptible brute who does nothing except buy
hats and dresses and Jewels and limousines for women, and In return
for their constant acceptance of these things and demands for more ho
will not give them a vote.
NERVE—That which enables a suffragette to walk twenty-two miles
but will not permit her to sew on a button.
PANTS—Something suffragettes desire to adopt because they have
failed to secure the proper animal to wear them.
POLLS—Something ninety-nine per cent of the suffragettes eanno!
define.
QUINCE —The sort of fruit that Is under the poachy akin of every
suffragette.
SUFFRAGETTE —Something the squirrels always follow;
UNEMPLOYED —Every euffrsgette Is unemployed, as nature In
tended her to be.
VOTE—A suffragette’s excuse for making a fool of herself.
WOMANLY —Something the militant suffragette Isn’t. |
WlSDOM—Nothing whatever to do with the militant movement
YfeAHNlNfi—Whai «MIS suffragette* ,
The Rural Editor’s
Scrap Book
OoprYbt. i»i», b, st« Comeor <»tmi
Britain Iltghta B«eerv«A
MRS. SOUFFLB 1b n»w sllctaa
the roast men*» »t her board
ing house with a safety
raior, owing to the high coot of Hr-
Ing.
The married men and the dtroreed
men played a game of baseball last
Saturday and the married men wo*,
but the game has been protested aw
cause Ollie Long, who pitched tt>r
the Matrlmonlallsts, got a telegram
from Reno just after the game telling
him h« had been divorced by hie
wife the day before. The claim is
made and Justly so. say we, that
Ollie was Ineligible to pitch for the
married men.
“Custom officers seize art rose's
gowns,” say the newspaper head
lines. But we bet the publie sees
more of the actress than the gowns
if she were allowed to wear them.
Old Site Hines left for the County
Fair last Monday. The weather fore
cast for the next few days will be
Fair, followed by Jersey Lightning
and Cooler. How much Cooler will
depend upon the leniency of the Joe
tlce of the Peaca
Hella Montmorency, the second
pllshed actress of these and many
other parts, has returned from
abroad. While on the other aide she
had the proud distinction of playing
to a full house which only contained
five people—three kings and two
queens. We've heard of that kind
Bella, but rarely see one.
Trafalgar Cadwallader, the English
man who la staying tn our midst,
heard a good Ashing story the other
day. but when he repeated It at the
club be told It in this manner: “A
man went Ashing the other day and
caught two trout When be got home
he had three Ash, two trout and one
had a bad odor." Ho, ho. You mean
"Two trout and one smelt," we guesa
Some of the farmers up this way
are hoping that the Treasury Depart
ment will deposit some of that Afty
million dollars to help move the crop
of Summer boarders back to the
country next year—a good Idea, say
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