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10 American Sunday Monthly Magazine Section Tke Absent-Minded Groom <&3 ILL is certainly an absent-minded person. His mind is so absent sometimes that he hasn’t it at all. Bill is the kind of man who will walk with one foot on the curb and one in the gutter and worry about getting lame. If he were frying eggs, he’d put the butter on the burner and throw the match in the frying-pan. Well, in one of Bill’s absent- minded fits, he proposed to a girl and she accepted him. I’ve always had a mighty good hunch the girl didn’t care much for Bill, though he was a fine fellow at that, but I think she liked Bill’s money. Funny thing about him, he was just rolling in cash—made it all himself, too, in spite of his absent-mindedness. Some people said it was because of it. Bill would speculate in wheat or stocks or some thing of the sort one day and then forget all about it. A few weeks later his broker would hand him a check. Bill never remembered about the money he lent to his friends—in fact he was so easy about it, and so surprised and delighted when you handed him what you owed him that it wasn’t any fun to stick him. All Bill’s friends would make it hot for anybody who tried to sting Bill, because Bill, they said, was too absent-minded to look after himself. Of course Bill had forgotten all about the proposal the next day, but the girl hadn’t—and she drove around to the office that evening and took Bill home in her little runabout, and Bill was so ashamed of having forgotten that he trotted right into a jewelry store and bought the ring, thus cinching himself. There was another chap in love with the girl, and people said she was really in love with him, but he hadn’t any money, which is a bad way to be in this commercial age. Poor, old blundering, absent- Merton praley minded Bill asked this chap to be best man, not because he cared anything much about him, but because he happened to be around when Bill thought of the fact that he must have a best man. And the other man accepted, which was a strange thing for a broken-hearted man to do. Everybody said that Bill would probably forget to come to the wedding, and a lot of stuff like that, but he didn’t. The other fellow, true to his duty, stuck close to Bill the last two or three days before the ceremony, saw to it that Bill was dressed right and took him to the church. They started down the aisle together toward the altar, but Bill saw a girl in one of the pews whom he hadn’t seen for years, and he forgot wedding and talk with “So you’re r i e d, ” she they had hands. The full of people stared at didn’t care— Bill looked aisle and saw standing at The wedding beginning to bride was looked dazed and then his “Why, no, I’m best man. Why, no,” he said, “ I’m not being married, I’m best man ” it w a s his stopped to her. to be mar- said, when shaken whole church turned and them,butBill or notice, d o w n the the best man the altar, march was play and the coming. Bill for a moment face cleared, he said, “I’m not being married. What would I be doing here if I were the groom? Will you excuse me while I get to the altar and perform my duties.” So Bill skated swiftly down to the altar, while all the guests stared and whispered. He shoved the other He bought the ring, thus cinch ing himself man into place beside the bride, and pro ceeded to conduct him self as a best man should. The other man looked a trifle startled then he grinned—and the ceremony wenton. The minister was mum bling his phrases, the bride was looking at the minister, and it wasn’t until the whispering among the guests became a titter, the titter a laugh, and the laugh a roar that the min ister gazed at the bridegroom and realized that he had the wrong man. Bill appeared puzzled, the bride, who had come very near balking at the altar, especially when she had thought of her real lover gazing reproachfully at her, started, stared, blushed, grew radiant—and right before the whole churchful threw her arms about the other man’s neck and clung to him. The puzzled expression vanished from Bill’s face. He smiled genially at the minister. “Gee,” he said, “it’s fierce to be as absent-minded as I am. For a minute I thought we’d got mixed up and that I was supposed to be the groom. Wouldn’t that have been a joke, if May had married the best man instead of the groom? Well, what are we wait ing for—diet’s go ahead and finish.” So the blushing bride and the radiant best man were married and Bill played best man to the best man in fine style, and kissed the bride in a friendly fashion after the ceremony, and was the life of the party. Next week the bride and groom moved to another city. Bill is still single. I saw the other man about a year ago. He said: “You can’t tell me Bill is absent-minded. He had a wise hunch, that’s all. Take it from me, I know/” Bite — Sting — Dryness — Heavyness - Parched Throat — you escape them a when you smoke STAG. And in their place you find Fragrance — ness —Mildness—and Eternal Contentment. “Better than I imagined tobacco could be Thousands are saying it. You will say it. n q b,te, _ No bag, Convenient Packages: The Pound Humidor, the Full-Size 10-Cent Tin and the Handy Half-size 5-Cent Tin. Fresh For Pipe and Cigarette EVER-LASTING-LY GOOD P. Lori!lard Co. Est. 1760 \ fate-. 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