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BIST HUMOR, MOVING
PICTURES, VAUDEVILLE.
ATLANTA, GA„ SUNDAY, DECEMBER 14, 1913.
Jeff Should Have Known Better
Copyright, 191A by th* Star Ccnpuir. Or»»i Brltshi Rights R**»rv.4.
By “BUD” FISHER
f SAV, JEFF, LIVTeN?
tv e gotta RAoe
TVfO DOU-««. HAY 6 you
Got*2 7
LlSTeiN. JEFF, t'*\ IN
trouble, if r&nte got
two buck^ Don't hold out.
FOR.THE U>YE OP MIKE LEND
it to w\e., this rs. serious . j
Y
X Got rr att
HOW"
I COT
IT
t ¥4,
Noti.let mg think,
how Can you Raise
two Bohfs.
r
LET ME
, THINK
Have a i.nu»h
With Us
Copyright, 1913, by Star Comptny. Urea*
Britain Right* lleacrvati.
t^TTER cost of gasoline Isa going
up something outrageous.”
"What do you care? You have
no oitermobile.”
“I know, but dot last fire sale
cost me $3 for gasoline alone. I*
takes off all the profits.”
Would Be .^11 “Wright.”
M RS. SHOPPER—I wish I had
a flying machine, then per
haps I could get through with my
Christmas shspplng.
Mr. Shopper—Yes. Basing my
Judgment on the way the bills are
coming In, what you need is a buy-
plane.
To the Floor Walker,
L ADY—Where are your shoes?
Floor Walker—On the main
floor, madam.
Lady—Do you carry gentlemen’s
hats? ,
Floor Walker—Yes. on tne top
story.
Lady—Where are the vests?
Floor Walker—Always down the
main aisle, madam.
Lady—Where is your under
wear?
Floor Walker—On both the first
and second stories.
Lady—And belts; where do you
keep them?.
Floor Walker—Just over the bal
cony, ma’am.
Tame Game.
OAIO a man to a dealer In game,
“Are the turks that you sell
wild or tame?”
Said the wise d. I. g.,
"They're as tame as can be,
For out of cold storage they came.”
jT'VE got a friend who makes |
■I books for blind people—the |
raised kind of letters, you know,
but he got a book out not long ago
that the blind couldn’t read.”
"Raised letters and all? Why
oouldn’t they read it?”
‘Because It was a sea-story.”
Mirahdy on Women’s Tears
Published by Permission of GOOD
HOUSEKEEPING MAGAZINE.
IS MIR ANDY,” says Sis Hannah Jane
to me de odder night, "has you done
took notice dat women don't cry so
much in dese days as dey used to?”
"Dat's de true word, Sis Hannah Jane,” 1
’spons, "tears is sort of gone out o’ fashiou.
An’ yit dere’s des’ as much to weep over as
dere eve’ was, for I ain’t observed dat dere
Is any shortenin' up in de crop of good-fo’-
nothin' husbands d/t ain't no use In de Lawd's
world but as tanks, an’ of triflin’ chillun dat
delr maws is got to take in washin’ to suppo’t."
“Dat’s so,” says Sts Hannah Jane, "deres
des’ as much for women for to weep over as
dere ever was; an’ yit dey don’t do hit. Or
ef dey does cry, dey cries in private. Why,
when we wus gals. Sis Mirandy, a lady pusson
dat warn’t always bustin’ into tears ev’ytime
anythin’ went wrong was looked at sort of
slantwise, an’ folks kin’ o’ whispered dat dere
■was somethin’ curls on’ onnatcheral about
her; but nowadays when folks sees a female
a-rooppln’ of her eyes in public, let alone
heavin’ real sobs, dey lambaets her for bein’ a
fool an’ not havin’ any mo’ taste dan to take
cm dat wav whar people can see her, to say
nothin’ of disturbin’ of de peace.”
“Dat’s a fact,” ’sponc I. "Hit used to be
dat a woman’s idee of her whole duty to her
tainbly was to salt ’em down in brine; an' so,
no matter whut they did. she cried over ’em
An’ de measure of her affection for her chillun
an’ husband was a quart measure of her
tears.”
"May be de reason dat divorseh is so common
In dese days is becaze women is put up delr
handkerchiefs an’ got out a summons to de
co’t for deir husbands,” says Sis Hannah Jane.
"I done took notioe dat dem women whut Is
real free weepers git so much fun out of cryin -
flat dey kin’ of cherishes deir misery, an’ would
feel real deprived ef de ’caslon of deir tears
was taken away from ’em.”
"May be so,” ’spons I, "but I’se got my
'spicions ’bout dese heah weepers. You take
hit from me, Sis Hannah Jane, dat de woman
whut ain’t nothin’ but a hydrant of salt water
dat’s got de tap always turned on ain’t got
nothin' to her dat you can lay yur han’ on.
She’s lak Sis Cal tne.
" ‘Hit’s a sad case dat I has shed a barrel of
tears over. Sis Mirandy,’ Sis Caline says ’bout
some po’ fambly, a-snifTiin' through hef nose.
‘Dat sho is a lot of teal's,’ ’spons I, ‘but
whut is you give dat po’ fambly. Sis Caline,' I
en.Cs. ‘for I ain't never Imrird yet flat dere w s
hit's mighty slim diet; an’ hit would
be mo’ comfortin’ to dem hongry
chiilum ef you would quit cryin’ a
while an’ git busy cookin’ ’em up
somethin’ to eat an'' gittin’ together
a bundle of clothes for ’em.'
“But Sis Caline takes out all
her sympathy in cryin’ over de
afflicted; an’ you ain’t never heard
her sob none wid her pocket-book.
Copyright. 1913, by the Star Company
Naw’m, I ’specs dere ain’t ho cheaper way of say I wep’
helpin’ folks dan to cry over ’em. An’ de funny
part of hit is, if you do cry over ’em, ev’ybody
says whut a kind, good, sympathetic heart you
have got; an’ dey don’t take notice dat all you
draps in de contribution plate is a tear of pity.
“An’ I don’t take no stock, nuther, Sis
Hannah Jane, in de water cure for prodigal
chillun. All my life I’ve done see mothers
weepln’ over wayward sons an’ daughters, an’
‘“For de Lawd’s sake
stop dat howlin’ an'
quit makin’ a fool oi
yo’seif." An’ he slain*
de do’ behind him an'
goes lo de corner
loon.”
I done noticed dat dem tears runs off dem bad
chillun Jest lak water off'n a duck's back. Hit’s
mighty touchln’, Sis Hannah Jane, to see a po’
mother’s tears, but de trouble is dat dey
touches de wrong party, an' any woman whut
thinks dat she can make over her Chilian by
hydraulic pressure is sho' got water on de
brain.
“Hit’s all right for mothers to weep over de
sins of deir chillun, but whut de.' ■' •'■ use
By
Dorothy Dix
Ireut Britain Rights Reserved.
over mine when Ma’y Jane an'
Thomas Jefferson Abraham Lincoln got to da
Smart Ellicky age wliar dey thought dey
knowed mo’ dan I did an’ took to runniu’ round
o' nights. Yassum, I jest waited up for ’em
one night, but dere was fire in my eyes instid
of tears; an’ when dey got home, I done mo’
in three minutes wid a trunk-strop to appeal to
delr higher natures an’ head 'em In de direc
tion of de straight an' narrow path dan yon
could ’a’ done by weepin’ over 'em a solid
month.
“Naw'm, I ain't got muoh faith in water
power. DIs am de day of steam an’ gasoline
an’ I kin supply dem both in runnln’ my
house.”
"I ain’t a-disputln' de wharfofeness of yo'
prognostications, Sis Mirandy," 'spons Sis
Hannah Jane, “but all de same, hit’s my opin
ion dat women is done throwed away de best
graft dey ever is gwine to have when dey
turned off deir tear-ducts. For one thing, dere
ain’t no odder way to wuk a man lak de water
way. Dere’s somethin’ in ,a woman’s tears dat
jest dissolves his backbone an’ makes him a
kin' of pulp in yo’ hands, dat you kin do wid
as you please."
"Dat’s befo’ you'se tied up wid him, Sis
Hannah Jane,’’ says I. "Don't forglt dat. Befo’
marriage, when you cries, a man axes you to
weep on de second button of his vest; an’ he
puts his arm aroun’ you an' pats you on de
back an’ says, ‘Po’ little darlin', don’t cry.' But
after marriage, when you cries, he says, 'For
de Lawd’s sake stop dat howlin’ an’ quit
makin’ a fool of yo’seif.’ An’ he slams de do’
behind him an' goes to de comer saihon.
“All de same,” goes on Sis Hannah Jane,
‘dere ain't nothin’ in dis world or de next dat
a man is as ’fraid of as he is of a cryin’
woman; an’ why dem Sufferinyettes in Eng
land ain’t had enough sense to set down an’
weep on de do’ steps of de House of Commons
beats me. Dey would have done floated dem-
selves into de franchise on a sea of tears long
ago. Dem men would ’a' dried deir eyes on de
ballot, jest to get rid of ’em.”
“Dat’s right.” 'spons I, “tears is de one
argyment you can’t answer. I done tried dat
many a time wid my o!e man when we had a
disputation an’ I was giftin' de wust of hit. I
dest busted out cryin', an’ he’d say. Maybe
l’se been a brute. Do lak you want to.’ ”
“Yassum,’ 'spons Sis Hannah Jane, “dat’s
whut makes me say whut I do- dat hit sho is
encouragin’ dat. our sex is got along past de
cry-baby Stage, but all de same, when a
woman quits weepin' she's done throwed away
sh t one dat she
YOU KNOW POLLY
Not the gossipy Miss Peachtree,
but the one with “her pals.”
Well, Polly soon makes her bow in
The Sunday American
Ashur and “The Old Man, ” too,
in colors. Watch for them.
Funny Things You
Hear—Here and There
<Vr*yrl*ht, 1913. by th* Star Grmt Britain Right* ftemrrrt.
M SS FANNIE H. FLUSSER, of New Albmiy, Ill., has thrown opes
her borne Tuesday and Thursday evenings for the benefit of
young women and their lovers. Young women who have only a
boarding house room for a home and cannot take their sweethearts then
are at liberty to bring them to Miss Flttsser’s home. "Bring 7 our read
ing matter and sewing.” Miss Flusser urges the young women.
Mlsa Flusser has certainly been misinformed aa to how
an evening
Her In*
Anna Gould has redeemed all of her husband's clothes,
band is the Duke of Tallyrand. It cost Anna *4,000.
Anna can have all our clothes—and all we expeot to bava—<or
quarter of that amount.
A> ■o'* the women are approaching absolute independence. A horfle-
less f d buttonles* gown has been invented. Now, Just as soon as there
la some method invented for paying a woman’a milliner’s bill, her board
and rent, and giving her spending money, her independence will be com
plete, There, will be nothing else in the world she can desire—except a
kind and handsome husband!
Down In Donaldson, I*., a mother has given birth to her thirteenth
child on the thirteenth of the month in the year 18. As far as the hoo
doo goes, this little boy will probably fall heir to seven.' million. Ss
may ev*n eaoape matrimony.
In Batavia, N. Y, then is a man who dislocates his Jaw every time
he yawns. He has dislocated hie Jaw flee times during the past thrss
days.
The gentleman la married
The Patriotic Sons of the Revolution of Massachusetts hare arranged
for a generous prize to go to the crew of the first battleship in onr navy
that sinks a vessel of the enemy during the next war.
At present writing the Dove of Peace is moulting, has the pip and is
not expected to recover.
Champaign, Ill Medford Gowers was fined for slamming May Mo-
Wethy over the head with a skillet full of eggs. He was a chef and she
was his assistant. Judge Johnson fined him heavily and explained it was
not for tbe assault, but for wasting the eggs.
Any Judge as lenient as that ought to be Impeached or recalled or
whatever it is they do to a Judge who has no idea of the value of prop
erty.
“Kansas City- Judge Oland, a confirmed bachelor, could not decide
which Bide of the bed a man should lie on and which side his wife should
occupy. A woman charged her husband with brutality, in that he was on
her side of the bed. The husband denied the allegation and said his
wife was cruelly occupying his side of the bed. The Judge gave it up.”
Any married Judge would have decided that the man’s side of the
bed Is always whichever side his wife does not care to occupy.
Hood Mendel, of Alpinp, Tex., shot two bears when a third attacked
him, and he hugged the bear to death.
It is plalu to see why Hood wifi be the most popular young man In
tliat vicinity from now on.
't he Supreme Court of North Dakota upholds a new law to the elfeot
that no snuff shall be gold In the State.
The old snuff users will manage to get it on a pinch, however
Some famous old letters were sold last week for *800 each. They
were written by old-time statesmen and authors.
There are a lot of letters written quite recently that have been sold
for from *f),000 to *100.000. The lndlacreet gentlemen who wrote them
being tbe purchaser*
A. tlng Governor Taylor, of New Jersey, has named Sunday, Decem
ber 7. as "Tuberculosis Day."
That's all right as far as it goes, but how about a "Qnlnecy Bor*
Throat Day" and an “Influenza Day,” to any nothing of a "Housemaid's
Knee Day,” a "Painter's Colic Day,” a "Ptp Day,” and many others?
Mine. Thebes, of Paris, tbe world’s baldest Utile “predlcter” Just at
present says that England, Germany and many other countries are ia
for plenty of trouble during 1914, but she did not mention America. ■
We refuse to be slighted. Here are some home-made predictions war
ranted to be as accurate a* any:
The high cost of living will Increase.
Strictly fresh eggs will come from our greatest cold storage plants.
There will be a change in women’s styles. (
The Secretary of State may visit Washington twice during the year. -
A woman out In Warren, Ohio, aged ninety-one, la rMing around on
a motorcycle. In these days of automobiles it is much safer than trying
to cross the street.
A preacher In a Methodist church out in Nashville, Tenn.. walked
up the aisle whiie preaching and killed a snake.
The careless reporter did not state whether it was a blue snake with
violet checks or Just a mauve snake with pink stripes.
■Berkeley, Cal.—Martin Murphy, a butcher, was on his way to a
dentist's to have a painful operation performed for the removal of some
teeth when Walter Thompson punched him In the Jaw and knocked out
the teeth, doing away with tbe necessity of undergoing the operation.”
Instead of giving Thompson half of what the operation would have
cost him, he had him arrested. The Jndge discharged Thompson. It
Thompson places any value on his labors, he will sue Murphy for pro
fessional services.
Michael Clancy, one of the gang bosses working on a part of the ex
cavating tor the Municipal Building, was exceedingly careful to keep ae-
count of all the contractors' material and Implements. One day, Just as
the whistle was blowing, he Cornered his gang of fifteen workmen in s
corner of the pit and looking at them sternly. he said:
“B’ys, stand bore till 1 iwvti all of yea; there's a gheelburer
SDiiutin’l *