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7
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/•*?/ JL,
BIST HUMOR, MOV1NO
PICTURES, VAUDEVILLE.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28, 1913.
Start 1914 Right
By Reading the
Sunday American
Which gives you its great FICTION
MAGAZINE free the very first
Sunday of the
NEW YEAR
Timely Sidelights on the Office
By T. E. POWERS, the Famous Cartoonist
Boy
Offrtffct, ISIS, by Star 0*»r»nv Ow*t BrUala Rfcftote S—r»>&
Cherry
Valiev
Notes
By Old Joe Bigger.
A'
POT of Mur, Blake's
wants her tow go on the
vandwvflte PU«e. She Us
■oo bor ShooMor blades so wall
Out she omit hoM a fan atwlnt I
and tan the book of kor I
Dob Mixer wont tow steep ta fete
bathtub and drenst ha vu tf,ta'
bow plug a oil won. Wham ho
woka op ho had tow hoDor tow Ms
wlfo tow help Mhn gtt Ms Mg too
out of tho wator hols ta tho tasostt
Croat* Jt annals la atssvsd ho
will git tow ba a oaatepada. UBh
limbs era sproutin' ant oa Ms
woods* lag.
ths lllusgros
flxlns srboot th«!r nooks ttoklo Ms
shin and mako btm sis isaa.
Ona of tho funuytet
at tha orator supper mn Dodo
Swift trying taw fead his boot girl
soup with his I aft hand, his tothsr
ona betng hurt. Har mouth seamad
to ha always ad tha plaoa Where It
wasn't whan tha spoon started
far ft.
Many Dc runs' ooosln In ths
otty sont bar a pair of them there
open-work silk stocking, but she
won’t wear them, afearln some of
His traveiln’ men what cum here
might think she wuz one of them
there oablret dancers.
The Ladles’ Aid has asked the
trustees to her a clock put in the
steeple of tho town hall. They say
they don’t want the men to git la
the habit of lookin’ fer the time on
the watch what our new dress
maker Is wearln' on her garter
what shows.
At the orator supper orar at tha
Plnoy Hides church last night
some thoughtless person ate ths
oyster and brought things to a
standstill till another one coaid be
procured from PerkinWo groosry.
New Jokes
They All Do It.
JOB—Is Grill a good Judge of
•* edgarsf
MOB—I think he must be. He
had two last night and he gave me
one. Ha must hare kept the bast
Explained.
«a'TH3XB," said the sergeant
angrily, “why haren’t you
shaved this morning 7”
“Ain’t I shaved?" asked Atkins
In apparent surprise.
“No, you're not," insisted the
sergeant; “and I want to know
why ?”
“Well, you see, sergeant,” re
piled the soldier, "there was a doz
en of us using the same mirror, anti
I must have shaved some other
man.”
u
pe:
He Concurred.
SEE they are embalming
* dogs now,” said hubby.
"Oh, isn’t that lovely?” she^ ex
claimed. “That's what I'll have
done to Fido.”
“Just the thing 1" he returned,
suddenly growing enthusiastic him
self. ‘‘Give him to me, and I'll
have It done to-day."
LEO CARILLO
Copyright. 191S, by th* War < Vjmpanr
Groat Britain Kitfita Reoerrtd.
J ASPER couldn’t tell time—neither could
Sambo. One day Jasper was made a pres
ent of a fine silver watch, and there was a
great thumping with ms breast. He rigged
the watch and chain np on his vest and start
ed for the camp m 'ng road he
met Sambo, whose eyes caught ths glint of
the new chain.
“What you all got dere on de chain?” he
asked with a doub ug air.
“A watch am whar Ah got,” answered Jasper
proudly.
Then Sambo thought he’d trip Jasper.
“What time am it?” he slowly asked, looking
Jasper in the eye.
Jaspe- plucked the watch — „.u the recesses
of his vest pocket and held It out gingerly
under Sambo’s nose, saying, "Am it?”
“It am!’’ came back Sambo, with a knowing
air.
RffET a Chinese friend the other day and
asked him if he had seen our mutual friend
Bill.
“Yas; me see him las’ week-—he borrow tlen
dollars flom me. He tell me he play me hackee
next day. He say if he no play hackee he
hope he die.”
"Well?’’
‘1 guess he die.’*
FAVORITE
DIALECT
y COMEDIAN,
was placing a great spread of eatables by the
grave of some departed Chinaman after the
manner of the Celestial faith. Ths lady
watched a while and then said to her com
panion :
"Isn’t that an absnrd custom? Tm going to
apeak to him.”
“Say, John,” she began, "when do yon ex-
TELLS THESE FUNNY ONES
That’s Alt.
wife has a parasol to
Xi match every dress/’
“And he?" j
-Him? Oh. bis oboes are mates.’’ J
LADY visitor, looking around a Chinese
cemetery, came across a Chinamat' who
pect your friend to come up and eat these
things?”
John eyed her for a while out of his slant
eyes, and said:
“Lady, you putte flower on glave when you
fiend die? When he come up an’ smell ’em?"
IN Italian goes to get his picture taken.
“ The operator sees a sour look on his face
and says:
“Don’t look so cross, my man—yon look too
sober. Please smile If you want a good picture.”
"Say t bossa,” began the Italian, “I no wanna
smile In dees pitch, because I senda dees pitch
to my wife- She been away to de country on
de va-cash. Ifa she see de pitch with de smile
—she comma back—right away!”
|JAT and Mike were on a roof removing the
* old shingles ) Pat ripping them off with a
pick and Mike tossing them in great armfuls
to the street below.
As Mike was making his way along with ap
extra heavy load he slipped and slid down the
roof, sweeping Pat off his feet and along with
him. As they went over the edge, Pat’s pick
caught in the drain trough and there he hung.
With one desperate grasp, Mike managed to
cling to one of Pat’s legs, and they dangled
there ■ some moments, too frightened to peep.
Finally Pat yelled:
"Mike, let go me leg!"
"I will not,” cried Mike.
"Ye will that,” came back Pat.
"1 will not,” muttered Mike.
“Mike Tierney,” called Pat, madly, "If you
don’t let go me leg I’ll hit ye wid this pick."
O LD Rastus was selling a mule to the parson.
"Good mule?” asked the parson.
"Ver’ good ” answered Kastua.
“Bound?"
“Sound as a new watuhmelhm. suh^’ assured
Rastus, with a show jf pride.
"Well, am he timid?” asked the person.
"Not dls male. Timid? No, suh. Why, Ms
animate masf frequently spends de nlgM to
hesef. tied In de dahk stable.”
oo*
KPAT, JOB, yon knew Pmsguale BaohlglnpsT"
^ "Surra ting. I knows two-a Pasqusls
Bachlglupe—one's name Isa Frank.”
H IGGINS had been invited by the pastor to
contribute toward -the purchasing of a set
of chimes for the church, and Higgins, having
a good-sized bank account, gave a large sum,
along with the other three rish men of the
town, Dooling, Deellng and Dowling.
The bells were purchased, and, on the first
Sunday that they were In place, Higgins, on
his way to church, heard the chimes start
up with:
“Doo-llng."
"Deo-1 log.”
"Dow-llng.”
Ho stopped, and listened with a sour look,
and then walked on slowly. The pastor met
him on the front steps.
"How do you like the now ehlmes i Mr. Hig
gins?’ ho asked.
"Fine!’ said Higgins with a snap of his jaws.
"I’ve been listening to them as I came down the
street, and all I heard was:
“Doo-llng.”
"Dee-ling.”
“Dow-llng.”
"Not a bit of Higgins. And I wants to ( Mk
ye, didn’t I give oo much as those other three?"
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