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DISH much In favor in many households la pickled husband, which
may bp served at any meal, although the majority of wives seem
to relish it as a tidbit late at night. Just before going to sleep.
Almost any kind of a husband may be pickled by a wife who Is a real
industrious trouble hunter and conscientious about doing her full duty
about bossing her-family and looking carefully after its ways.
The best husbands to pickle, however, are the goodmatured easy-going
sort (genus rounder), although there is a small, meek variety (genus
henpeckis) that have a very fine flavor also, and are much eaaier to pickle.
To prepare this delicious condiment to married life first select your
husband Pay especial attention to this, for some husbands can t be piokled
st all. and when you try to ptckle them they run all over the plane and
msks an awful mess. Therefore be very careful on this point, for to the
great majority of women the domestic menu would be flat and tastelesa
except for the unfailing supply of pickled husband they always keep in
the cupboard.
Select then. If it be possible, a nice, fat iuioy. thin-skinned husband
who la fond of gayety and has many friends If he thinks be knows bow
to plsy poker so much the better. Smell his breath, and if it has an odor
that resembles an old pipe and a glass of stale beer you may be sure that
you have secured a luscious specimen for pickling
If you cannot get this kind of a husband, almost any sort of a busy,
hard working husband of the species Amerlcanis Boobis will do. but
pains must be tsken to avoid husbands with square Jaws a,rtd pale blue
eyes, especially if these features are accompanied by red hair, as this
species defy the most heartfelt efforts of any wife to pickle them.
Having secured your husband, take him home and begin the pickling
process by first salting him down in brine, in order to melt down any back
bone he may happen to have, and to make him into a perfect mush of
acquiescence. It has been proven by millions of housewives, who have
tried it. that nothing so completely takes the stamina and tight out of a
man as tears.
So begin with the process of disintegration on your husband bv weep
ing over him. Turn the domestic hydrant on him morning, noon and night.
Weep over him because you can't have this, and you can’t have that. Weep
when the soup la salty; weep when your new dreas doesn’t fit. weep when
he comes home ten minutes late to
dinner, weep when bis mother comes
to see you; weep when he won't take
you to the theatre, burst into perfect
floods of tears if he dares to criticise
anything you do or say. or that your
mother does or says. Keep the water
spout going continuously until the
whole atmosphere of your horn* is so
damp snd foggy and sticky that it
will give anybody rheumatism of the
heart and sciatica of the disposition.
Persist in the salt water treatment
until you perceive that your husband
j is getting web-footed, so that he is
1 afraid to make a move lest he should
f Inadvertently step on some of your
precious little feelings, and so precip
itate another downpour. You can
I also perceive when he is becoming
sufficiently gelitudinous to pickle by
sticking the pitchfork into him now
! and then If he answers back be
needs another barrel of teats poured
over him. but if he returns no back
talk he is in fit condition to proceed
with the further processes of pickling
Then prick him all over with a
J sharp tongue. Make the gashes as
bv saying all the things that will cut him to the quick
women hold that th« best way to do this is by taunting
a man" with his failures, and telling h Un how much better some other man
provides for his family than he does, and how Mr. Jones h wife has a
limousine and diamonds, while they have to ride on the street car and use
safety pins for ornaments.
Othrr women contend that tha b“»t way to B aah a huaband with a
tnnttie la to hold forth upon hla weaknesses, and to rip him up the hack,
and slash him crossways about the time he came home after he had made
a ntBht with the boys, or the poker *«"" In which he lost fifty dollars, or
the old friend he lent Borne money to who never repaid him
Undoubtedly both of these plan" are excellent, but the great major
Ity of wives content themselves with mere superficial tongue pricks,
technically known as naftstlng. about the te n thousand little things of
everyday life and this Is probably th» best method of all. because It Is so
thorough and does not leave a single particle of the cuticle of a husband
that has not been scarified
Having reduced the husband to a P«lp by soaking him In brine, and
having thoroughly pricked him with a sharp tongs*;, now' souse him in a
mixture made as follows
Take five gallons of the vinegar of temper, the more acid the better,
a quart of the gull of Jealousy, a half pound of the paprika of spite, two
ounces of the seeds of doubt, and spice it up to taste with suspicion, in
sinuations and recriminations; throw in enough selfishness to color it all
a dark bilious green, and stew the husband in this brew' for some twenty
or thirty years, at the end of which time he will be found to be as sour as
any wife could wish.
Tickled husband Is strictly a family dish, though occasionally it is
served up for company. Its chief use. however, is as a nightcap for
women. Many wives are so addicted to it that they could not go to sleep
unless they had partaken of a large slice of it Just, before they go to bed.
If these directions for making pickled husband are not sufficiently
explicit, brides may obtain further information by observing the methods
%f almost any married woman of their acquaintance.
deep as you can
hear. Some
‘Simply a Dream
With
Sugar and Cream"
Up-to-Date Jokes
“It's My Next Dance"
NELL BRINKLEY’S NEW YEAR’S PIC’
Mabel Herbert Umer’s Great Series
Copyright. HIS. Internatlonml News Service
■Vi1
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The!
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arriec
A Change in the Suburban Time-Table Spoils Helen’s
Carefully-Prepared Dinner
“N'
—
r |-v HE New Ven r. with his scant, liaby hair brushed tisbt to hi*
| baby head in the latest man-fashion, his sash across his
shoulder and a bow on his hip. buttons his gloves and watches
the clock with a merry Robin-like c.vc. "Just three minutes, old top.”
he chirps, “and you have danced your last. It's MY dance then.
Though I'm very little and new 1 can Mnxixe and Tango with Youth
'til the pale dawn comes and Youth will slip easily and gladly out of
your shriveled arms into mine own pink ones. What jloes an old
dandy like you bent upon your legs, bowed of back, scarred of face.
smiling through a web of wrinkles—do Tangoing here til midnight?
But Youth, she says, lias found you a great comrade. With you she
lias found laughter and tears and stirring, nameless, countless emo
tions. Hardly has she seen the wrinkles come and age burn out your
spirit. And she loves to dance with you. But when she turns her
lovely face next time the midnight bells will be a-singing—and sud
denly to her eye you will be monkey old, she will see death already
on your brows, and out of your arms she will twirl to mine! Three
more minutes, old top, and it’s my dance next?”
—NELL BRISKLEY.
BAY a Thrilling Story of Society Blackmailers
(Nevellied ky>
Maxwell House
dlend Coffee
Insures delightful re
turns from your coffee
cup and adds wonder
fully to the pleasures
of dining.
Sealed Tie* a! Grocer*
Cheek-Nea! Coffee Co.,
Beoston Jacksonville Nashville
A little girl who had a live bantam
presented to her was disappointed at
the smallness of the first egg laid by
the bird. Her ideal egg was that of
the ostrich, a specimen of which was
on a table in the drawing room. One
day tlte ostrich t*gg was missing from
its accustomed place. It was subse
quently found near the spot where
the bantam nested, and on it was
stuck a piece of paper with the words:
i "Something like tills, please. Keep
on trying.”
I * • *
The young man who sat next to a
demure young thing at the supper
I table found himself at a loss for
I words. Suddenly Ids thoughts flew
I to picture theaters.
"Are you fond of films?" lie asked.
"As a general thing, yes," she an
swered prettily; and before he could
! follow up the subject she added, hasti-
| !y, "but not to-night, thank ’-ou It
! is rather late. A little jelly will be
sufficient."
• • *
in an account of a social gather-
j ing a reporter described one of the
j lady guests, who was of exceptional
stature, as possessing a fofm "that
Juno might envy." The next morn
ing. however, he read in the paper
that the lady possessed a form "that
Jumbo might envy!"
(From the pi .
borough, now being presented at tha
Thirty-ninth Street Theater, New York.
Seriai rights held and copyrighted by
International News Service.)
TO-DAY’S INSTALLMENT,.
"I laid them down In front of me,
1 think—on the table," she said In
deepening confusion, and dread and
predomnition of what must soon be
said.
"I’ll—I’ll ask my maid," cried Aline
Graham, seeking to escape thyt room
as if it were a trap.
"1 ASKED YOLK MAID FOR
THEM." said Chief Dempster. "SHE
HASN’T SEEN THEM -BI T 1
HAVE' TWO ROSES WERE
FOUND NEAR FLAGG’S BODY—"
AND THEN, CONFIDENT OF THE
BREAKING DOWN OF THIS G1RI
UNDER His GRILLING "THIRD
DEGREE," HE HURLED HIS FINAL
QUESTION AT HER: "DID YOU
GO TO FLAGG’S HOUSE LAST
NIGHT?"
"We deny that,” interposed Gra
ham, quickly.
“Only a question. Counselor," said
the Chief, quietly. He was sure that
he needed no answer--he knew it.
‘Tve answered it,’’ snapped the
Counselor.
Tiie Chief smiled slowly—broadly.
"Get those things from Hagan." lie
bade the Inspector.
"Father—what tilings?" asked Aline
in abject terror. She had turned from
the door and fled to her father’s side.
He tried to reassure her. "1 don’t
know, dear. We’ll see.’
"Some articles from your room
Miss Graham," said the Chief.
Now, what do you think of that?
They went into her room," said Hol
brook. in amazed protest—or what
he meant to have pass as such.
Inspector MacIntyre came back in
to the room carrying across his arm
the gown and slippers Aline had worn
on her trip to the house of the black
mailer.
"This dinner gown, Miss Graham, is
soiled with street mud around the
hem of it." said the chief, with tell
ing emphasis.
"My .maid—has neglected it." said
the girl, faintly.
“THOSE SUPPER S W E R K
SOILED LAST NIGHT IN A HUR
RIED TRIP TO JUDSON FLAGG’S
HOUSE AND BACK AGAIN!"
"Absurd!” This fr .m Graham.
"WE have a witness ’’ the chief
paused for emphasis, "who knows
Miss Graham—and saw her hurrying
home at about the time of the mur
der!"
"What witness?" asked Graham.
“One of my patrolmen. Mr. Gra
ham,"
"A POLICEMAN!” said the captain.
"A policeman! Why not two o’
them—or a half a dozen if you’re
going’ to manufacture a case?"
AND THEN THE FINAL BLOW
FELL.
"SORRY. MR. GRAHAM — BUT
WE’VE GOT TO ARREST THE
LADY."
"Father!" cried the girl.
"I never saw a flimsier case, inspec
tor," said Graham, trying to he!p his
own case by an impersonally judicial
tone.
"Get your hat and coat, Miss Gra
ham." commanded the inspector
quietlv The father started forward.
"You can go with us too, sir, if you
want to.”
TWO SONGS OF WINTER
By GERTRUDE WEIL
I S1XG the hymn of the joyful, all hail to King Winter’s reign,
A palan of peace, of good will to all men, with the love of life its
refrain
For the niuety and nine are digging, cold and hungry and gaunt,
In earth's dangerous pits for the life-giving heat, so I laugh at the grim
spectre Want.
From out of the toiling masses 1 am chosen favorite of God.
Though it be God Mammon his children revere, we are happy this side of
the sod
* * *
I chant ike dirge of the outcast, a medley of discordant pain,
A mockery grim to the Christ canting crowds, with the fight for life its
refrain.
The snow , w ith its oold blasts attendant, 1 hail with joy bitter-sweet—
There is bread in the soft driven, hurrying flakes, and at Yuletide charity’s
treat.
Of the poor is thp kingdom of heaven, these words the good Na/.areae said.
And the sower shall reap the fruit of his toil, but alas! must we waft till
were dead?
Chalk w’hite was Aline. No longer
at bay—but wounded to the death—
too spent to fight—humbled by terror
—with only life in her eyes to tell
that she could vision the doom that
approached with pittiless sureness.
"You won’t put a delicate lady
like that in the city jail?" questioned
the captain in impotent indignation
that he, a soldier, must stand by and
see things happen.
Tiie inspector spoke to Graham.
" ’Tisn’t pleasant, sir—but it’s duty!"
Aline stumbled to the door. It had
come now'—terror had lurked around
the corner all through the watches of
the night—and now, here it was—to
be faced!
"Hattie—go get my hat and coat,"
she called faintly.
The servants were close—as cattle
huddle when the storm lowers.
"Yes, missy,” she answered.
'They’re taking me to the jail—TO
THE JAIL!" cried the girl to Father
Shannon. Was it all a dream of hor
ror? Would she aw ake in a moment
of struggle—to the blessed knowl
edge that it had never happ&ned—
that none of this had ever been?
"Impossible — ah, gentlemen ”
cried the priest.
"I’ll need your help—all you can
lend me—Oh. daddy, can 1 go through
with it?" And sobbing in her father’s
arms Aline finished her little plea
in the refuge from which she must
soon be torn.
"Why not continue her custody
here?” the father besought the in
spector.
"Can’t risk it, sir," said MacIntyre,
with firm determination.
"An entire absence of motive." pro
tested Graham.
"Oh, we’ve got the motive, Mr. Gra
ham,” said the chief, smiling with
satisfied assurance.
"What motive?”
"Flagg caused the printing of that
engagement item—that was to bring
your daughter to him. Flagg some
how knew* of Miss Graham’s secret
marriage."
"Secret marriage—wh« said so?"
asked Aline.
To Be Continued To-morrow.
By MABEL HERBERT URNER
ORA. Mr. Curtis has Just
phoned that hi? sister and
her husband are in town
and are coming here to dinner. Now
you can keep those chops for to
morrow. and Til phone for a chicken.
How about the vegetables?"
"I guess there's enough of that
spinach for four, mam I’ll see,"
looking in the icebox.
“"No, don’t cook the spinach. I’ll
order tomatoes, and you can stuff
them. They’ll be much nicer than
spinach. That eoup stock will keep,
and Til get some clams. We ll have
clam broth in the bouillon cups."
"There ain’t enough milk, ma’m—
here's all that’s left."
"Yes, I’ll order a half pint of cream,
you can use some of It In the pota
toes. Now, !• that all? Have we
enough salad?"
If she had only known this morn
ing that they were coming War
ren’s sister had not dined with them
since they returned from abroad, and
Helen was particularly anxious to
have a well prepared and well served
dinner.
Carrie was not only disconcertingly
critical, but she was an excellent
housekeeper who prided herself on
her table. So Helen was determined
that every detail of this dinner should
be flawless.
When she had telephoned the order
the looked over the silver to be sure
that none of it needed cleaning, got
out the best tablecloth and napkins
and her finest centrepiece.
SHF ARRIVES EARLY.
Warren had phoned that Carrie,
who had come in to do some Christ
mas shopping, would be up after the
stores closed, about half-past six.
But that dinner at 7. the regular
time, would be early enough, as they
were not going back until the 10:50
train.
However, to Helen's dismay, it was
not quite « when Carrie came Nora
received her, and Helen finished
dressing in nervous haste.
"I know I’m early," apologetically,
"but they’ve changed the timetable
and we’ll have to catch that 7:50
train. There’s nothing after that un
til after 11. If you can let us have
dinner at half-paet six that will give
us plenty of time "
Dinner in half an hour! Helen
knew that nothing was ready and
that Nora always got flustered if she
had to hurry.
"I Just phoned Warren about the
change, he and Fred will be here in
a few minutes. I hope it won't put
you out sny. but we really must
catch that train."
•Oh, of course. I’ll go right out
and tell Nora."
The kitchen was hot and full of
emoke, and Nora was d^wn on her
knees basting the chicken. She
raised her flushed face with an in
dignant protest
"You said dinner at seven, ma’am,
and T can’t have It no sooner.”
"Nora, we MUST—they've got to
catch that train! I’ll help >*ou!
Never mind the anchovy relish, we’ll
let them begin with the soup. I’ll
cut the bread and fix the celery. Is
this the butter for the table?”
With her face almost as flushed as
Nora's, Helen flew about the hot kit
chen, and back and fourth to the din
ing room. After all the trouble she
had taken to have everything "just
right"—and now nothing would be
served properly in this hurry and
confusion.
Carrie never dined with them but
that something went, wrong, she re
flected bitterly.
WARREN UNREASONABLE.
She was just swinging through the
pantry door with the celery and
olives when she bumped into Warren,
whom she had heard come in with
Fred a f ew moments before
"See hers." frownlngly. "it’s half
past six! They’ll have to leave here
In forty minutes to make that 7:50."
"We're hurrying all we can," re
torted Helen. "I told Carrie I’d have
It at half past, and we’ve got three
minutes yet,” glancing at the kitchen
clock. "Now please, dear, don’t stand
there and glower. You're only in the
way and you’ll make us both ner
vous"
But it was several minutes aftei*
half paat before Helen, flushed and
disconcerted with her exertions in
the hot kitchen, gave a last nervous
glance at the table and told them
to come in to dinner.
It was not until they were seated
that she noticed Nora had put down the
teaspoons instead of the bouillon
spoons, an annoying mistake, as Helen
was especially proud of her silver. And
to further add to her discomfort, the
clam broth which Nora usually made so
deliciously was scorched
‘ May I have a napkin?" asked Carrie.
A startled glance around and Helen
saw that there was not a napkin on the
tablel n their hurry both she and
Nora had overlooked them.
“It’s our fault for hurrying you."
apologized Fred. "I told Carrie if
couldn’t come at the time set —we should
go to a restaurant.”
"Nonsense." protested Warren cor
dially. .A matter of half an hour one
way or the other makes no difference.
Have you rung?" frowning at Helen.
"They’ve no time to waste."
"Yes. dear, I’ve rung twice." again
pressing the bell under the table.
But as Nora did not appear, Helen
rose with a murmured.
"If you’ll excuse me, I'd better go
help her. Nora usually serves beauti
fully, but she does get a little flustered
when she's hurried.”
Carrie’s critical silence seemed to
imply that her servants were trained
never to get flustered.
The chicken and vegetables were
Anally served, but Helen had to keep
jumping up. She remembered the last
perfectly appointed dinner they had had
at Carrie’s, at which Carrie had not
given a word of instruction to the maid,
much less left the table.
‘Oh, ma’am. I forgot the cranberries,*
whispered Nora. "Is it too late?”
Helen turned to Carrie, "Would you
like some cranberries?"
"No, thank you,” icily, Tm quite
through.”
h ,,'. Tak ® the thsn. Nora, and
oriiiff the salad—quickly is vou can."
n„?®v.. Whu could never eat faet.
had hardly touched her dinner, and
kmd hearted Fred protested
You've not eaten anything. Don't
«t us hurry you. keep your plate an<t
have your salad later. It , a shame
to upset you all."
"What time Is it” Had we. hotter
wait for salad?" asked Carrie
Warren glanced at his watch. “Ten
minutes after—oceans of time.”
But when the library clock struck
the .quarter hour * Carrl « rose with a
decided.
‘Td better get on my things. 7
don t relish the idea of missing that.
an(i havin K to wait until twelve."
'T’m sorry you have to hurry so."
murmured Helen, following her into
the dressing room.
"Yes. this changing of time tables
is most provoking. But we ll soon be
in town now. We wouldn’t have stayed
so late, but Fred wanted to spend
Thanksgiving in the country. May I
have one of these hairpins?"
Carrie may have hurried through
her dinner, but she was most deliber
ate about arranging her hair and put
ting on her hat and veil.
"Ready?" called Fred. "We’ve not
as much time as I thought."
As they waited in the hall for the
elevator, Carrie said stiffly, "When
we get back in town you must come
and have dinner with us."
"Yes, we will,” murmured Helen
quite as stiffly.
"Well, that was some rush,” grum
bled Warren as the elevator door
closed after them.
"Oh, it was a shame,” bewailed
Helen. "All that nice dinner—and
nobody enjoyed it!”
"I’m going to have some coffee and
cheese now," and Warren sat down
again at the table.
"Won’t you have a little bite of
chicken, ma'am?” asked Nora solic
itously. "You didn’t eat a thing.”
Although Helen protested that she
could not eat now, Nora brought her
some chicken and the stuffed tomato
which she had not touched.
"Oh, everything went wrong.”
Helen was leaning wearily on the .
table- "Every time Carrie comes
something unpleasant has to happen."
"All your own fault. The dinner
would have been all right if you
hadn’t got rattled. If that had been
Carrie—well, she could serve dinner
half a-n hour early without getting all
fueeie-d up.”
It was true that Carrie never got.
flustered, and it was this calm su
periority of his sister that Helen so
resented.
"Didn’t the lady leave this, ma’m?"
Nora held up a small package she had
found on the hall table.
HELEN SYMPATHETIC.
"Oh that's TOO bad." exclaimed
Helen. "That’s something Carrie
bought to-day, and she wants it I’m
sure, or she would have had it sent."
"Mail it to her in the morning. Be
sure it’s nothing that’ll break.”
They had just gone into the library
when the 'phone rang, and Warren
answered it.
"Hello. Oh, I say that’s rotten
luck! Why, you left here in time!
Yes. you’ve got to walk a mile in
those blamed stations after you get
there. Tell Carrie it’s here and we’ll
mail it to her to-morrow. Sure, go
to the theatre! Plenty of vaudeville
houses around there. All right—so
long."
"But how COULD they miss It?” 1
cried Helen when he turned from the
’phone. "You said they’d have plenty
of time.”
"Seems they didn’t," with a shrug
"Had to wait for a car. Suppose
they’ll go to some show, and not
hang around there three hours. But
he said Carrie was furious and didn’t
want to go anywhere. I’ll wager ^
she’s blessing you, all right, for not"
having dinner earlier.”
It is possible for a man to be
come so conservative that he is
as useless to mankind as a 5,000-
year-old mummy.
lay,
CHICHESTER S PILLS
TKR DIAMOND BRAND. jU
-UVonD BRAND PILLAfStl
years k noim as Bast, Safest. Alwgvs Reliable
SOLD BY DRUGGISTS EVERYWHERE
Every Woman
is interested and should
know about the wonderful
Marvel 5 r”
Douche,
t sup
ply the MARVEL,
•crept uo other, but
send stamp forbook.
Hamit*. ME. 23d St. HI.
u
THE MARRIAGE GAME
tt A Great Love Story Will Begin on This Page Saturday;
Be Sure That You Read the Opening Installment