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He re’s Wishing You a Happy New Year and Many of ’Em
■«>
EVERYBODY!! C««K B««K “/A % Next Dance”
NELL BRINKLEY’S NEW YEAR’S PIC’
Mabel Herbert Urner's Great Series
•*Bf DOROTHY DDL
v
A DISH much In favor In many household* is pickled husband, which
may be served at any meal, although tlie majority of wives seem
to relish It as a. tidbit late at night, Just before going to sleep.
Almost any kind of a husband may be a Wif* Wl " la a real
Industrious trouble hunter and conscientious about doing her full duty
about bossing her family and looking carefully after its wa> s.
The beet husbands to pickle, however, are the good-natured, easy-going
• ort (genus rounder), although there is a small, meek variety (genus
henpeckis) that have a very fin*- flavor also, and are much easier to pickle.
To prepare this delicious condiment to married life first select your
husband. Pay especial attention to this, for some husbands can’t be pickled
at all, and when you try to pickle them they run all over the place and
make an awful mess. Therefore be very careful on this point, for to the
great majority of women the domestic menu would be flat and tasteless
except for the unfailing supply of pickled husband they always keep in
tha cupboard.
Select then, if it be possible, a nice, fat. Juicy, thJnsklnned husband
w ho Is fond of gavety and has many friends. If he thinks he knows how
to play poker so much the better. Smell his breath, and if it has an odor
that resembles an old pipe ar*J a glass of stale beer you may be sure that
you have secured a luscious specimen lor pickling.
If you cannot get this kind of a husband, almost any sort of a busy,
hard working husband of tha species American!# Boobla will do. but
pains must be taken to avoid husbands with square Jaws and pale blue
eyes, especially if these features are accompanied by red hair, as this
species defy the most heartfelt effort* of any wife to pickle them.
Having secured your husband, take him home and begin the pickling
process by first salting him down in brine, In order to melt down any back
bone he may happen to have, and to make him Into a perfect mush of
acquiescence. It has been proven by millions of housewives, who have
trlod It, that nothing so completely takes the stamina and fight out of a
man as tears.
So begin with the process of disintegration on your husband by weep
ing over him. Turn the domestic hydrant on him morning, noon and night.
Weep over him because you can’t have this, and you can’t have that. Weep
when the soup is salty; weep when your new dress doesn’t fit, weep when
he cornea home ten minutes late to
dinner; weep when his mother comes
to see you; weep when he won’t take
you to tha theatre; burst into perfect
floods of tears if he dares to criticise
anything you do or say. or that your
mother does or says. Keep the water
spout going continuously until the
whole atmosphere of your home Is so
Jjy damp and foggy and sticky that it
* will give anybody rheumatism of the
heart and sciatica of the disposition.
Persist in the salt water treatment
I until you perceive that your husband
is getting web-footed, so that he is
I afraid to make a move lest he should
inadvertently step on some of your
precious little feelings, and so precip
itate another downpour. You can
also perceive when he is becoming
sufficiently gelttudinous to pickle by
sticking the pitchfork Into him now
and then. Tt he answers back he
needs another barrel of tears poured
over him, but If he returns no back
talk he Is in fit condition to proceed
with the further processes of pickling.
Then prick him all over with a
sharp tongue. Make the gashes as
deep as you can by saying all the things that will cut him to the quick
to 'hear. ' Some women hold that the best wav to do this is by taunting
a man with his failures, and telling him how much better some other man
provides for his family than he docs, and how Mi Jones s wife has a
limousine and diamonds, while they have to ride on the street car and use
safety pins for ornaments.
Other women contend that the h*st way to gash a husband with a
ton*»« i» to hold forth upon hid woakno B »««, and to rip him up tlio back,
and "lash him crossways about the tl™<- ho fame homo after he had made
» night with the boy,, or the poker game In which lie lost fifty dollars, or
tlis old friend he lent some tnonsy to who never repaid him
t ridoubtcdlv both of these plans are excellent, hut the great major
Ity o' wives content themselves with mere superficial longue pricks,
technically known a* nagging, about the te„ thousand little things of
everyday life and this Is probably th» best method of all. because It. Is so
thorough and does not leave a single particle of the cuticle of a husband
that has not been scarified.
Having reduced the husband to a pulp by soaking him in brine, and
having thoroughly pricked him with a sharp tongue, now souse him In a
mixture made as follows
Take five gallons of the vinegar of temper, the more at id the better,
a quart of the gall of Jealousy. » half pound of the paprika of spite, two
ounces of the seeds of doubt, and spice it up to taste with suspicion, in
sinuations and recriminations; throw' In enough sellishness to color it all
h dark bilious green, and stew the husband in this brew' for some twenty
or thirty years, at the end of w'hich time he will be found to be as sour as
any w’ife could wish.
Pickled husband is strictly «. family dish, though occasionally it is
served up for company. Its chief use. however, is as a nightcap for
women. Many wives are so addicted to it that they could not go to sleep
unless they had partaken of a large slice of it Just before they go to bed.
If these directions for making pickled husband are not sufficiently
explicit, brides may obtain further information by observing the methods
•*f almost any married woman of their acquaintance.
Th
eir
M
Li f
arrie
d
A Change in the Suburban Time-Table Spoils Helen's
Carefully-Prepared Dinner
fT'VHK .New Year, with his seam, lie by hair brushed tight to his
] baby head in the latest man-fashion, his sash across his
shoulder and a bow oil his hip, buttons his gloves and watches
the clock with a merry Robin-like eye. ".lust three minutes, old top."
he chirps, “and you have danced your last, it's MY dance then.
Though I'm very little and new I can Maxixe and Tango with Youth
til the pale dawn comes and Youth will slip easily and gladly out of
your shriveled arms into mine own pink ones. What does an old
dandy like you—bent upon your legs, bowed of back, scarred of face.
smiling through a web of wrinkles—do Tangoing here 'til midnight?
But Youth, site says, has found you a great comrade. With you she
has found laughter and tears and stirring, nameless, countless emo
tions. Hardly has she seen the wrinkles come and nge burn out your
spirit. And site loves to dance with you. But when she turns her
lovely face next time the midnight hells will be a-singing—and sud
denly to her eye you will he monkey old, she will see death already
on your brows, and out of your arms she will twirl to mine! Three
more minutes, old top, and it’s inv dance next?”
—SELL BRINKLEY.
AT BAY a Thrilling Story of Society Blackmailers
"Simply a Dream
With.
Sugar and Cream"
Maxwell House
Blend Coffee
Insures delightful re
turns from your coffee
cup and adds wonder
fully to the pleasures
of dining.
Sealed list *t Grocer•
Cheek-Neal Coffee Co.,
Bouton Jacksosvilie Nashville
j Up-to-Date Jokes
A little girl who had a live bantam
presented to her was disappointed at
the smallness of the first egg laid by
the bird. Her ideal egg was that of
the ostrich, a specimen of which was
j m a table in the drawing room. One
dny the ostrich egg was missing from
its accustomed place. It was subse
quently found near the spot where
the bantam nested, and on it was
I stuck a piece of paper with the words:
"Something like this, please. Keep
i trying.’’
• * *
The young man who sat next to a
| demure young thing at the supper
table found himself at a loss for
words. Suddenly his thoughts flew
to picture theaters.
' Are you fond of films?” he asked.
"As a general thing, yes.” she an
swered. prettily: and before he could
follow up the subject she added, hasti-
|1\, "but not to-night, thank '-on. It
• is rather late. A little jelly will ho
j sufficient.”
i In an account of a social gather
ing a reporter described one of the
j lady guests, who was of exceptional
i stature, as possessing a form “that
I Juno might envy.” The next morn-
j ing, however, he read in the paper
that the lady possessed a form "that
i Jumbo might envy!”
play
bofough, in>w being presented at the
Thirty-ninth Street Theater. New York.
Serlul rights bald and copyrighted by
International News Service.)
TO-DAY’S INSTALLMENT.
"1 laid them down in front of met
1 think—on the table," she said in
deepening confusion, and dread and
predomnition of what must soon be
said.
’TU—i’ll ask my maid,” cried Aline
Graham, seeking to escape that room
as if it were a trap.
"1 ASKEI) YOUR MAID FOR I
THEM," said Chief Dempster. "SHE |
HASN’T SEEN THEM—BUT 1
HAVE! TWO ROSES WERE
FOUND NEAR FLAGG’S BODY ”
AND THEN, CONFIDENT OF THE
BREAKING DOWN OF THIS GTRI
UNDER HIS GRILLING "THIRD I
DEGREE." HE HURLED HIS FINAI
QUESTION AT HER: "DID YOU
GO TO FLAGG'S HOUSE LA HI |
NIGHT?”
•'We deny thit,” interposed Gra
ham. quickly.
‘•Only a question. Counselor,” said
the Chief, quietly. He was sure that
he needed no answer—he knew it.
"I’ve answered it,” snapped the
Counselor.
The Chief smiled slowly broad v
"Get those things from Hagan." lie
bade the Inspector.
“Father what things?” asked Aline
ii. abject terror. Site hail turned from
the door and fled to her father's side.
He tried to reassure her. “I don’t
know. dear. We’ll see."
"Some articles from your room
Miss Graham,” said the Chief.
Now, what do you think of that''
They went into her room," said Hol
brook, in amazed protest—or what
he meant to have pass as such.
Inspector MacIntyre came back in
to the room carrying across his arm
the gown and slippers Aline had worn
on her trip to the house of the black
mailer.
"Tliis dinner gown. Miss Graham, is
soiled with street mud around the
hem of ft." said the chief, with toll
ing emphasis.
"My maid—has neglected it.” said
the girl, faintly.
"THOSE SLIPPERS WERE
SOILED LAST NIGHT IN A HUR
RIED TRIP TO JUDSON FLAGG’S
HOUSE AND BACK AGAIN!"
"Absurd!” This from Graham.
"WE pave a witness ” the chief
paused for emphasis. "Who knows
Miss Graham—and saw her hurrying
home, at about the time of the mur
der! “
“What witness?" asked Graham.
“One of my patrolmen, Mr. Gra
ham,”
"A POLICEMAN!” said the captain.
"A policeman! Why not two o’
them-—or a half a dozen if you're
going’ to manufacture a case?”
AND THEN THE FINAL BLOW
FELL.
"SORRY, MR. GRAHAM BUT
WE’VE GOT TO ARREST THE
LADY.”
"Father!” cried the girl.
“I never saw a flimsier case, inspec
tor," said Graham, trying to help his
own ease by an impersonally judicial
tone.
"Get your hat and coat. Miss Gra
ham." commanded the inspector
quietly. The father started forward.
“You can go with us too, sir, if you
want to.”
TWO SONGS OF WINTER
By GERTRUDE WEIL
I SING the hymn of the joyful, all hail to King Winter’s reign.
A palan of peace, of good will to all men, with the love of life its
refrain.
For the ninety and nine are digging, cold and hungry ana gaunt.
In earth’s dangerous pits for the life-giving heat, so I laugh at the grim
spectre Want.
From out of the toiling masses i am chosen favorite of God.
Though it be God Mammon liis children revere, we are happy this side of
the sod.
* *. *
1 chant the dirge of the outcast, a medley of discordant pain.
A mockery grim to the Christ canting crowds, with the light for life its
refrain.
The snow, with its cold blasts attendant. J hail with joy bitter-sweet
There, is bread in the soft driven, hurrying flakes, and at Yuletide charity’6
treat.
Of the poor is the kingdom of heaven, these words the good Na. arene said,
And the sower shall reap the fruit of his toil, but alas! must we wait till
we re dead?
Chalk white wajs Aline. No longer
at bay—but wounded to the death—
too spent to fight—humbled by terror
—with only life in her eyes to tell
that she could vis-ion the doom that
approached with pittiless sureness.
"You won’t put a delicate lady
like that in the city jail?” questioned
the captain in impotent indignation
that he, a soldier, must stand by and
see things happen.
The inspector spoke to Graham.
“’Tisn’t pleasant, sir—but it’s duty!”
Aline stumbled to the door. It had
come now—terror had lurked around
the corner all through the watches of
the night—and now, here it was—to
be faced!
“Hattie—go get my hat and coat,”
she called faintly.
The servants were close—as cattle
huddle when the storm lowers.
"Yes, missy," she answered.
"They’re taking me to the jail—TO
THE JAIL!” cried the girl to Father
Shannon. Was it all a dream of hor
ror? Would she awake in a moment
of struggle—to the blessed knowl
edge that it had never happened—
that none of this had ever been?
"Impossible — ah, gentlemen ’’
cried the priest.
"I'll need your help—all you can
lend me—Oh. daddy, can 1 go through
w ith it?" And sobbing in her father's
arms Aline finished her little j>Iea
in the refuge from which she must
soon be torn.
"Why not continue her custody
here?” the father besought the in
spector.
"Can’t risk it, sir," said MacIntyre,
with firm determination.
“An entire absence of motive," pro
tested Graham.
"Oh, we’ve got the motive. Mr. Gra
ham," said the chief, smiling with
satisfied assurance.
"What motive?"
"Flagg caused the printing of that
engagement item—that was to bring
your daughter to him. Flagg some
how knew' of Miss Graham’s secret
marriage.”
"Secret marriage—wlv said so?”
asked Aline.
To Be Continued To-morrow.
By MABEL HERBERT URNER.
TORA, Mr. Curtis has Just
phoned that his sister and
her husband are in town
and are coming here to dinner. Now
yon can keep those chops for to
morrow, and I’ll phone for a chicken.
How about the vegetables?”
"I guess there’s enough of that
spinach for four, ma'm. I’ll see."
looking in the icebox'.
"No, don’t cook the spinach. I’ll
order tomatoes, and you can stuff
them. They’ll be much nicer than
spinach. That eoup stock will keep,
and I’ll get some clams. We ll have
clan broth In the bouillon cups."
"There ain’t enough milk, ma'm—
here’s all that’s left.”
"Yes, I’ll order a half pint of cream,
you can use some of It in the pota
toes. Now, that all? Have ws
enough salad?”
If she had only known this morn
ing that they were coming! War
ren’s sister had not dined with them
since they returned from abroad, and
Helen was particularly anxious to
have a well prepared and well served
dinner.
Carrie was not only disconcertingly
critical, but she was an excellent
housekeeper who prided herself on
her table. So Helen was determined
that every detail of this dinner should
be flawless.
When she had telephoned the ’order
she looked over the silver to be sure
that none of It needed cleaning, got
out the best tablecloth and napkins
and her finest centrepiece
SHE ARRIVES EARLY.
Warren had phoned that Carrie,
who had come in to do some Christ
mas shopping, would be up after the
stores closed, about half-past six.
But that dinner at 7. the regular
time, would be earl*y enough, as they
were not going back until the 10:30
train.
However, to Helen's dismay, it was
not quite fl when Carrie came. Nora
received her. and Helen finished
dressing in nervous haste.
"I know I’m early,” apologetically,
"but they’ve changed the timetable
and we'll have to catch that 7:30
train. There’s nothing after that un
til after 11. If you can let us have
dinner at half-past six that will give
us jfienty of time.’’
Dinner in half an hour! Helen
knew that nothing was ready and
that Nora always got flustered 1/ she
had to hurry.
"I Just phoned Warren ab>ut the
change; he and Fred will be here in
a few minutes. I hope it won’t put
you out any, but we really must
catch that train.”
"Oh. of course. I’ll go right out
and tell Nora."
The kitchen was hot and full of
smoke, and Nora was djwn on her
knees basting the chicken. She
raised her flushed face with an in
dignant protest.
"Y’ou said dinner at seven, ma’am,
and I can’t have it no sooner."
"Nora, we MUST—they've got to
catch that trallf! I’ll help you!
Never mind the anchovy relish, we’ll
let them begin with the soup. I’ll
cut the bread and fix the celery. Is
this the butter for the table?”
With her face almost as flushed as
Nora's. Helen flew about, the hot kli-
cher, and back and fourth to the din
ing- room. After all the trouble site
had taken to have everything "just
right”—and now' nothing would be
served properly in this hurry and
confusion.
Carrie never dined with them but
that something went wrong, she re
flected bitterly.
WARREN 1 \ REASON ABLE.
She was just swinging through the
pantry door with the celery and
olives when she bumped Into Warren,
whom she had heard come in with
Fred a 'ew moments be r ore
"See here." frowningly, "it's half
past six! They'll have to leave here
In forty minutes to make that 7:50."
'•We’re hurrying aH we ban.” re
torted Helen. "I told Carrie I'd have
it at half past, and we’ve got three
minutes yet," glancing at the kitchen
clock. "Now please, dear, don’t stand
there and glower. You're only in rh*
way and you'll make us both ner
vous."
But it was several minutes after
half past before Helen, flushed ami
disconcerted with her exertions in
the hot kitchen, gave a last nervous
glance at the table and told them
to come in to dinner.
It was not until they were sealed
that she noticed Nora rad put down the
teaspoons instead of the bouillon
spoons, an annoying mistake, as Helen
was especially proud of her silver. And
to further add to her discomfort, the
clam broth which Nora usually made so
deliciously was scorched.
"May I have a napkin?” asked Carrie.
A startled glance around and Helen
sa w that there was not a napkin on the
table! In their hurry both she and
Nora had overlooked them.
"It's our fault for hurrying you.”
apologized Fred. "1 toid Carrie if we
couldn’t com ft {it the time set—we should
go to a restaurant."
"Nonsense,” protested Warren cor
dially. "A matter of half an hour one
way or the other makes no difference.
Have you rung?” frowning at Helen.
‘‘They’ve no time to waste."
"Yes. dear, I’ve rung twice.” again
pressing the bell under the table.
But as Nora did not appear, Helen
rose with a murmured.
"If you’ll excuse me. I’d better go
help her. Nora usually serves beauti
fully, but she does get a little flustered
when she's hurried."
Carrie's critical silence seeded to
imply that her servants were trained
never to get flustered.
The chicken and vegetables were
finally served, but Helen had to keep
jumping up. .She remembered the Iasi
perfectly appointed dinner they had had
at Carrie's, at which Carrie had not
given a word of instruction to the maid,
much less left the table.
“Oh, ma’am. I forgot the cranberries,*
whispered Nora. "Is it too late?”
Helen turned to Carrie, "Would you
like some cranberries?"
"No, thank you,” icily, "I’m quite
tnrougrh.”
“Take the plates then, Nora, and
oring the salad—quickly as you can.”
Helen, who could never eat fast,
had hardly touched her dinner, and
- "f arte< * Fred protested.
"lou'va not eaten anything Don tj
let us hurry you, keep your plate and
have your salad later. It's a sham*
to upset you all."
Y\ hat time is It? Had we better
wait for salad?" asked Carrie.
! Warren glanced at his watch. "Ten
minutes after—oceans of time."
But when the library clock struck
the quarter hour, Carrie rose with a
decided.
“V d better got on my things I
don t relish the idea of missing that
I train and having to wait until twelve ‘
"1 rn sorrv you have to hurry so,”
j murmured Helen, following her Into
j the dressing room.
"Yes, this changing of time tables
is most provoking. But we ll soon be
in town now. We wouldn’t have staved
so late, but Fred wanted to spend
Thanksgiving in the country. May I
have one of these hairpins?”
Carrie may have hurried through
her dinner, but she was most deliber
ate about arranging her hatr and put
ting on her hat and veil.
"Ready?” called Fred. "We’ve not
as much time as I thought."
As they waited In the hall for the
elevator, Carrie said stiffly. "When
we get back In town you must come
and have dinner with us.”
“Yes, we will,” murmured Helen
quite as etiffly.
“Well, that was some rush," grum
bled Warren as the elevator door
closed after them.
"Oh, it was a shame,** bewailed
Helen. "All that nice dinner—and
nobody enjoyed it!”
“I’m going to have some coffee and
cheese now,” and W'arren s*at down
again at the table.
"Won’t you have a little bite of
chicken, ma’am?” asked Nora solic
itously. "You didn’t eat a thing.”
Although Helen protested that eii*
could not eat now, Nora brought her
some chicken and the stuffed tomato
Which she had not touched.
"Oh, everything went wrong.”
Helen w r as leaning wearily on th<
table- "Every time Carrie comes
something unpleasant has to happen
"All your own fault. The dinner
would have been all right if you
hadn’t got rattled. If that had been
Carrie—w'ell, she could serve d’nner
half an hour early without getting al]
fussed up.”
It w'as true that Carrie never got
flustered, and it was this calm su
periority of his sister that Helen so
resented.
"Didn’t the lady leave this, mam?”
Nora held up a small package she had
found on the hall table.
H E LEN S YMPATH ETIC.
"Oh that.’s TOO bad.” exclaimed
Helen. "That’s something Carrie
bought, to-day, and she wants it I’m
sure, or she would have had It sent
"Mail it to her in the morning. Be
sure it’s nothing that’ll break.”
They had just gone into the library
when the ’phone rang, and Warren
answered it.
"Hello. Oh, I say that’s rotten
luck! Why, you left hero in time!
Yes, you’ve got to walk a mile in
those blamed stations after you get
there. Tell Carrie it’s here and we ll
mail It to her to-morrow. Sure, go
lo the theatre! Plenty of vaudeville
houses around there. All right—so
long."
"But ’now COULD they miss it?”
cried Helen when he turned from the
’phone. "You said they’d have plenty
I of tim*» "
"Seems they didn’t," with a shrug
"Had to wait for a car. SuDpose
they’ll go to some show, and not
hang around there three hours. But
he said Carrie was furious and didn’t
want to go anyAhere. I’ll wager
she's blessing you. all right, for not
having dinner earlier.”
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Utntl C». it E. 23d Si.. IT.
u
THE MARRIAGE GAME
tt A Great Love Story Will Begin on Th is Page Saturday;
Be Sure That You Read the Opening Installment