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And Men Think They Do the Choosing!
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist.
IM GOING AFTER THAT —~
LIEUTENANT, HES A PEACH
AND HE'S GOT THE DOUGH!
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Charlie Case Talks About His Folks---in Vaudeville
EFORE telling you all & few things about my
B {mmediate family, I thought maybe you'd be
glad to hear some of the nice complimentary
things that have been said about me lately. I've
been making a tour of the suburbs this Spring, such
as Denver, St. Louis, Chlcago, Pittsburgh, Rhode
Island and Ohle.
I Bave a few clippings which might be alluded
to as press notices. Very nice. Listen to this one:
vwe wish Charlie Case would soon return to New
Yark.”—Pittsburgh Press.
Here’'s one from ‘the Denvér Nugget—a little ad
vanoe notice on my reappearance in that eity: “We
hear Charlie Cage i§ coming back next week. We
don’t know what act he'll do, but we hope it will
pe the last.”
1 hardly know how to proceéd with myv act before
you—you seem to be such a Missouriffed kind of an
audience. Sometimes [ just sing a SONE, walk off,
and let the audience call me back. And sometimes
they fool me.
The manager of this theatre i{s & very good friend
of mins. He never kids people, but he's genuinely
éomplimentary. 1 met him .in New York Monday
morning before 1 came down here, and he asked
me if 1 was going to sing. I told him yes, I bad a
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JJEUTENANT,
F_C?ME TIMES 1
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brand new 86ng with just one word to it. He said
he was glad of that. Wasn't that lovely of him?
Then I asked him if he wanted to hear it béfore
I went on, and he said yes, he thought it might be
gafér. So we went up an alley and 1 sang it for
him. Then I asked him if he thought it would be
better if I'd walk off right after the song. He said,
“You can if you want to, but I'd advise you t 6 run.”
Did 1 éever teéll you what a wonderful girl Sister
Mary is? She's beautiful, and just as kind as she is
beautiful. So kind to her mother, téo. If there's
any hard work to be done aréund the house, and
mother doesn’t know how to do it, Mary always tells
her.
Sometimes we go to parties, and the boys take
turns in A game where they are blindfolded and
fun around the room and catch the girls. When
the boy catches a girl, he either has to kiss her or
give her-a dollar. Well, do you know, Mary wonld
many & time come home from these parties with
thirty-five or forty dollars.
And there's my brother, Hank. Fine boy, Hank.
Honest and honorable in avery way, but he will
gteal, And there's father—well, everybody knows
that if he didn’t drink he’d bé mavor of the city.
§till, father never drinks mcre than Le can stand.
AR BY ALL MEANS
T SEE BY THE Lerléls Go To
PAPERS THE LUNCH AND HAVE
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INTHE MARKET
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Copyright. 1914, by the Star Compomy. Great PBritain Rights Reserveq,
If he can’t tand any more he just lies down and
quits—until he can stand up again. Every now and
then father comes home and hésitates in the door
way. Mother, hearing a little disturbance, goes out
and takes a look. Then she comes back and says
to us:
“Boys, your father's been drinking, I tear.”
Then we’'d go out and take a look, but we couldn’t
tel. We'd think he was dead.
Whenever father gets like that he commences tO
talk about his animals. 1 don't know where hé
kééps 'am, but he starts to tell us about his octopus,
and hig tiger, and buzzard, and two lizards and a
moose. They must be starving or sump'n, because
the doctor tells fathér if he doesn’t do sump'n for
‘em he'll die. \
Fathér was talking to the minister the other day,
and the minlster wanted to know why father had
molassés rubbed in the lining of his hat. Father
told him it was to prévent sunstroke. But he didn't
tell him it was the same hat he took up the con
tribtition with in ¢hiireh.
And father's & great sporting man, too. Oh, how
he does love horses. Regular expert on horses-—can
téll you anything about a horse. Why, if thete areé
a hundred horses in a barn, father can walk right
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OQUR REGIMENT 15
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into the bunch in tha dark and pick out & go6d one.
He just slaps him on the back and says, “That’s mine!”
A little while ago father had a wonderful horse.
That horse could run a mile longer than any horse
1 ever paw. And talk about strong lungs! Well,
you could hear ‘em all the way across the stréet. A
gypsy sold him to father for $l2. Said he was a
circus horse, and, belleve me, wé had one with him.
That gypey sald the horse would do tricks, any
thing he asked him to do. Bo first thing the gypsy
sald to the horse was, “Walk lameée.” And the horse
did it right away.
We started to take him home, whén father sud
denly remembered that he had forgottem to ask the
gypsy the horge’s name. So hé called him every
thing he could think of.
Mother {s the family historian. History's her
specialty all right. She knew all about our town
before it was founded. And you bet she knows the
tamily tree of everybody in that town, in all its
branches. Little incidents in thelir lives, vou know
—4he number of times thay’ve been arrested, for
instance. Pop only stuck her once on history, and
even then he felt so sheepish ha wouldn't look at
anybody for waeks. Of course hé could only see a
little out of ome éye, but nevertheless—
AMERICA’S BEST
Not only the leading authors, but the most
famous artists as well, are contributing to
make the
Free Fiction Magazine
Of
Hearst's Sunday American
A Noteworthy Publication.
By Our Own Staff of Correspondents
Copyright, 1014, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved
MOUNTAIN STATION.
RS. ARCHIBALD SMYTHE, of New Rochell, which she says is
M the largest city next to New York, is here once more at the
Lookout House. This 18 her fifth season. She says she comes
here for rose fever. From the way she talks I think she got it.
Next week our train service will be increased one-third, as usual, at
the beginning of the Summer boarder season, thanks to the enterprise
of the general superintendent. The customary train, consisting of en
gine, combhination baggage and passenger car and freight car will be
augmented by a milk car, which bringe milk from the city for all the
resort stations in this county.
SOUTH PARADISE.
Mrs. Fphraim Sawyer, who owns Morumg Glory Farm, has built
eight bowers and set them up in her apple orchard. She says she only
had one bower last season, and her boarders were alWways quatreling
about who should have it. As a result there were only three engage
ments. She says that she can't get gingle women to come to her house
for the Summer unless she gives them a chance. Your correspondent
fixed up #ome signs for her like those on a taxey cab in the city, which
can he shifted to read “Vacant” or “Engaged.”” We thought the word
“Engaged” was mighty appropriate.
Cyrus Welliver, who runs the general store, has just laid in eight
dollars’ worth of stamps for the Summer season, and also a nice line of
canned goods, souvenir cards and candy. He has got some real stylish
candy; some of it is swell, being done up in pasteboard boxes.
(To Fditor—l know this is a sort of free advertisement, but as Cyrus
is the postmaster here he will let me read all the postal cards and I ean
get a lot of news, so it will pay you to let this go in just as though it
was real news.)
LAKE PUNXESTBYGOSH. ¢ H
There's no news from this famous resort at present.
Wallace Barlow, of the Hotel Punky, is golng to put eleetric lights
in his place just as soon as an electric railway is built near enough to
the town so he can wire the hotel.
Albert Willis broke two of His legs Saturday falling off the roof of
his barn.
Dr. Benjamin Clark died suddenly at his home on Fork Roads last
Thursday after being sick a year and a half.
The Upper Corner Meeting House was .struck by lightning and
burtied. William Jehkins, who wae shingling the steeple, was also killed.
Your correspondent expects there will be some Summer boarders
arrive here soon, when he hopes to be able to send in some news.
MEADOWBROOKE.
There is an important lot of changes in our time table here. Oour
train service is greatly changed, because our. train, which used to be
schéduled to arrive at 8:02 every a. m. and go back at 5:65, will arrive
at 8:07 and go back at 5:56.
WETHURST-BY-THE-SEA.
Joseph Simmons, who ran the Wethurst Inn last Suminer, has
bought Eel Island and changed the name to Isle de Grande. He says
some of his boarders skipped out last year without paying up, but if he
gets them on an island they won't be able to do that again.
LONG VALLEY.
Your correspondent visited all the hotels and inns and farms in this
vicinity and learned that most of them had booked many boarders. Thesae
will arrive within a week or so, when there will be plenty of news.
A Mr. Cohen, professor of Swedish gymnastics, is stopping at the
Valley House in North Hillburg.
GOSHDUNQUIT,
Cap'n Bzra Winters, our geniai prop. of the Goshdunquit House, has
painted his famous hostelry and informs your correspondent that his
rates will be $3 a week more on that account. The Reverend Meeder
wants him to fasten his little beach bath houses down firm, but Cap'n
Winters won't do it. Last Summer three of them blew over in a sudden
gale just as the Misses McKutle and Mrs. Dasher were in them trying to
get out of their wet bathing suits. There was an awful lot of excitement
at the time. The Reverend Meeder says he fears a similar cataclysm
wiil occur this year. But the Cap'n won't fasten them down. Every one
hereabouts says Cap'n Winters is a keen business man.
METUNKAMENUNKY.
Last Summer the Metunkamenunky House ‘was closed by Daniel
Perkins. Mr. Perkins was not the proprietor, only the sheriff. This yéar
the house will be opensd by Mr. Clarence Nodome, who has been hired
as manager by the recelvers.
The widow Atkinson has already opened her home and has tweo
boarders. She has put a sign on it calling it “Cheeseboro Cottage.” When
Editor Bungle, of the Metunkamenunky Mercury, printed an item about
this and called it the “Cottage Cheese,” the Widow Atkinson called at
his sanctum. She was unaccompanied except for a horsewhip. No one
knows just what was said, although Bill Hepp, the blacksmith, says he
heard Editor Bufigle howling, and Bill was a quarter of a mile down
the road. At any rate, the Widow Atkinson is to get a free advertise
ment every week this Summer.
WIFFLE HARBOR.
Wesley Corliss, who runs the Corliss Farm and is making a fortune
taking Summer boarders, says he is booked up full for the season. Wes
ley is generally that way. Two years ago he used to get his liquor from
a boatman who lowered it in lobster pots in a jug. Last season Wes'
kept getting carload after carload of cabbages. We didn’t learn until the
Fall that there was a bottle of liquor inside each cabbage head, the c&™
bages Being scooped out. Fverybody's wondering how Wes' will beat
the Prohibitiot law this year. He always has a spirited crowd at his
place.
WIDE BEACH.
Hiram Smith’s Sea View Hotel has been thoroughly renovated this
Spring. Hiram has got a real glass glgar case for his office and & big
art calendar which came with soap for his parlor. We like to see our
citizens so enterprising.
A lady has come to the Wavelet Inn for the Summer. When we
¢alled on her for her name she hesitated and admitted she wasn't sure
yet. Then she explained that she didn’t know whether the court would
allow her to resume her maiden aname or not