Newspaper Page Text
®
B Jokes from the Harvard Lampoon, Princeton
un rom Oe e l S——quor, Cornell Widow and Other College
Comic Papers. -
Copyright, 1914, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
One on W. J. B.
JOH.\'.\'lE-«DM William the Silent come
from Nebraska?
Teacher—Why, Johnnie! Mercy sakes no!
U. C
SIMPLE SBTUDE put shingle out,
Proclaiming him M. D.
But from A. M. to late P. M.
His office was M. T.
’ Higher History.
ul WANT a nice light book to read on the
train.”
“How would the ‘Last Days of Pompeil’
do?"”
“Pompeil? Who was he? How did he
die?” '
“f think It was some kind of an eruption.”
-~ ‘ 3
\ Q
()
)L * )
RN\ S .
The Bids Are Out.
. At the Other End. .
A STOUT old gentleman was having trou
ble with the telephone. He could hear
nothing but a confused jumble of sounds,
and finally he became so exasperated that
be shouted into the transmitter:
“Is there a bilthering fool at the end of
‘s line?”’
“Not at this end,” answered a cool, femi
nine voice.”
Hashimura Togo at the Seashore---By Wallace Irwin
Being the Letter of a Japanese Boy
of-all-work to the Editor of
GOOD HOUSEKEEPING MAGA
ZINE.
Published by Permission of GOOD
HOUSEKEEPING MAGAZINE.
To Editor “Good Housekeeping Mag
azine’ who know how cook varie
ties of sea-shells,
BAR MR.:—Among the fresh
air at Sandflea Beach, Conn,
employed by Hon. Mrs. & Mr
Liddbeater, 1 am no longer to be
found at that address. If someone
could find a seashore without an
ccean attached to it I should be more
happily to remain
Nikkamura Japanese Employment
Agcey send me there, where 1 arrive to
smiling blue porch setting alonesome
amid winds. The internals of that
house resemble bleached almhousge,
vet Hon. Mrs Liddbeater say she
were fortunate to obtain it in fash
fonable location price 2008 monthly
“While by seashore we love the
tough simplicity of life,” she snug
gest with sweet-hearted expression,
“We must pay expensively for our
discomforts here, yet we are pride
fu! to do so 0.”
These Liddbeater family have got
two (2) children of assorted sexes,
nge 17 & 18 respectfully Eélaire are
girl name and Oliver his, Both wear
very giggling clothes and love to be
engaged. She got Stanhope Whiflle
budd, deliciously matinee boy, for
hers, while Hon. Oliver obtain sweaet.
heart attention from Hon. Bluebell
Vawk, voungly lady of extreme tango
But when Fryvdav night arrive up
my vacation become considerably
more entangled. From out from de
pot emerge Hon Mr. Liddbeater with
tired-buriness expression while read.
ing Wall street news from paper
“At 4:08 to-morrow a. m. high tide
shall arise and codfish will be biting
viciously,” he sav so. “"Therefore we
go fishing.”
Groans by all
“Maybe you prefer to enfoy vour
seasickness alone,” renig Hon, Mrs
‘Madam with Pankhurst expression
“Darling, I could not,” he reprieve
“I am determined to share my pleas
ures with my familv Therefore, we
arise upward at 3:30 to be prompt
with hooks.”
At 3:30 come tap-knock to door
“Wihat js it?" 1 require with startle
“3:30!" holla Hon. Liddbeater voice
out there. “Arise to go fish!”
“Togo” demanded Hon. Liddbeater
like Napoleon, “while we fish you
shall go along and whittle bait. Also
prepare iunching for 10 and be very
impromptu about it.”
1 do so and we nextly go to shore
where I must carry complete lunch
————————————————————
SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES,
WW\WW
A A A A A AT AT
353 Peachtree St., Atlanta, Ga. {
Gerard-Thiers, Kurt Mueller, §
Directors. $
Unsurpassed facuity. High stand
ard in all do::rtmonu. Dormitory.
Write for ca loe‘l. 2
’ SUMMER SCHOOL during June |
s and July. ;
: Comes High.
“DO you believe in free love?”
“No, I think love is always purchased
dearly.”
Must Have Lost His Head First.
JOHN.\‘Y—Did old Coinstax lose interest
in that chorus girl?
Cholly-——lnterest? I should say, and most
of'hlu principal.
Hubby's Advice.
HE-mTrnln a servant in the way she should
gO.
She—Yes, and the first thing you know
she does.
A Good Example.
PROF.--——lee an example of an imaginary
spheroid.
Stude—A rooster's egg, sir.
* Self Defence.
STUDENT (enduring a face massage)—
Gad! That towel was hot!
Barber — I'm sorry, but I couldn’'t hold
it any 'nneawn
ing, including baby and umburella.
Pretty sponly we arrive to detestable
whaleboat belng kept by salted gen
tleman resembling damaged admiral
All the ocean seem to tip up on one
side as If it was going to spill in Cal
ifornia. Something inside my Inte
rior stumack seem to speak of my
dead ancestors, And look! FEach
stylish person of that cruise begin
concealing their happiness by laying
down on it. Groans. Yet Hon. Lidd
beater continue to make happy cheek
and smiling lip resembling Hon. Edw.
Moy seeming comic.
At lastly he motion Hon. Salt Gen
tleman to choke his engine.
“This are the exact patch of waves
where Thos. Cod come to chew their
cud,” he explained. “Therefore, Hon.
Capt. stop boat. Togo, while ali
other fishermans lay dving, vou shall
cut baits attractive to fish."”
“1f convenient, Mr. Sir,” 1 bereft,
“1 should prefer to join the other
groans."”
“Continue to fish-hook or I dis
charge you,” he dib
“If vou would discharge me back
to shore I would bless you in Japa
nese,” | gargle. Yet he horridly threw
me clams, unhappy mammals which
1 must amnutate with dull Kknife
while spearing them with disgustly
hooks,
Hon, Liddbeater lit pipe of very
enraged smell. Groans by all
“Nothing like pip-smoke while fish
ing,” he say for smiles.
Pretty soon Hon Boss make elec
tric movement with wet string. He
bite pipe more cruelly while halling
in one enraged cod who mock him
with angry mouth
“A beautiful fish!" he vellup joyly.
“All mee jt!"
All those sicknesses report “Um"
with unhappy nose.
“Are he not beautiful fish?" he ask
it to me.
“pPerhapsly when younger,” I disen
gage while holding my head on.
Of suddenly Hon. Mr. Liddbeater
arise upward from pillows like a fried
snake,
“Kor sake of vour children" repeat
her, "1 ask you to cease making clams
SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES.
I
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B AR
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<o’ Cpgßrtece! 1y
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GRS
A Standard College for Women
Ideally located; mcst modern Con
servaiory best equipment; splendid
health recora; most beautiful campus
' Offers full courses in Liberal Arts and
| Sciences, Expressior Painting Do
mestic Science and Music
Cox College has seventyv-two vears
of illustrious history Write to-day
| for catalog and book of views Ad
dress,
| COX COLLEGE,CoIIege Park, Ga.
Chances Good.
WILLIE — Why
don’'t you have
it charged?
CHOLLY — Bu t
they don’t know me
there.
WILLIE — Then
they’ll charge it
e i
Correct,
Sit Down.
P ROFESSOR -
Who was the
mother of Scipio Af
ricanus?
IGNO RAMUS
(thoughtfully)-Why,
Mrs. Africalis.
and people and Japs and fish miser
able for selfish joy of vour depravity.
Put usg somewheres where we can run
away.”
“Fishing can not be accomplished
by running away,” he deploy with
Samurai expression. “I never depart
off until I haye caught 14.”
“If the boat sink, I be obliged:"
gaggle all together like chorus-girls {n
hospital,
“I know how!" I holla with sudden
ness of intelligence. "By preparing to
swim you shall snub those 14 cod
fish!"”
Thusly exclamming, T lept uply &
grabb hammer where it layed sleeping
beskle lunch. With nimble ankles pe
culiar to heroes, I jump to bung-plug
in central middle of that boat.
Whacks! Uply sprung plug quite
corkishly and next came huj sprout of
salt Atlantic approaching inside the
gianterous fountain,
“Brainless species of mice!" re
proach Hon. Mr. while attempting to
brush out ocean with heel. Yet al
ready Hon. Boat resemble bathtub
where all set in lake. Alarming wake
fulness from seasickness was next to
arrive, and—before I could acknowl
edge—each person make flop-splash
to water, including me whe was there
amidst swimming while Hon. Boat
turn over on his nose and float up
down.
I have Hon. Mrs. Liddbeater, lady
of large tonnage but considerahle
floatage. Hon. Oliver save Hon. Blue
bell. Hon, Liddbeater save himself.
Hon. Elcaire save Hon. Stanhope.
Hon, Captain save Hon. Bottle. So
everybody were quite comfortable,
thank you, hooking their nails to
stummack of that boat. But where
was room for me? 1 continue on
wards splashing doggishly.
"Get off of!"” snagger Hon. Mis,
giving me crude push with heel while
I attemmp to sclutch
“You are discharged!"” howell Hon.
S ————————————————————————
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SO R R A N M.W
S X 5 N S S
CHARTERED 1876 MACON, GEORGIA
Conducted by the Sisters of Mercy
Unsurpassed for location and healthfulness
The course is thorough. embracing all the branches requisite for a solid
and refined education Departments of Art, Music and Elocution
For Prospectus, address
THE MOTHER SUPERIOR
HEARST’S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, GA., SUNDAY, JULY 19, 1914
Going One Better.
“BANG!" went the rifles at the maneuvers
“00-00," screamed the pretty girl—a
nice, decorous, surprised little scream. She
stepped backward into the surprised arms
of a young man.
“Oh,” said she, blushing, “I was frightened
by the rifles. I beg your pardon.”
“Not at all,” said the young man. “Let's
go over and watch the artillery.”
: Haven't Got To.
MlKEwPhat have we got t’' eat this morn
in’?
Nora—We ain’'t got to eat nothin’ if we
don’t want to.
. i
Certainly Not.
HEwAre you deaf to my pleadings?
She—l am.
He—But what if I were to offer you a dia
mond ring?
SBhe—Oh, I'm not stone deaf.
Of Course.
STRANGER—Why, Pat, thers used to b
two windmills there.
Pat—To be sure, sir.
Stranger—Why {s there but one thers
now? "
Pat—Sure they took one down to lave
more wind for t'other.
Yawning Is Easier, Too.
CRITIC—DO you think your new play was
successful?
Actor-—Yes; there was not a hiss in the
whole house.
Critic—Well, you know people cannot
yawn and hiss at the same time.
Was Still On.
MR. PICADILLY-—-But my dear young lady,
the sun never sets on British subject.
Miss Madison—Perhaps it's because they
can’t be trusted in the dark.
After the Concert.
SHE—It must be fine to sing ‘on the Gles
Club.
He—lt ought to be fine or imiprisonment.
Liddbeater. “Report to my office in
New York for your payment.
Thinking thusly, I struck offward
in. gen. direction of New York, and
when lastly seen I feel very free, al
though expect to be drowned,
Hoping you are the same, .
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
_SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES.
el bR S DU R
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» $ [ 3 IRI ‘ e . &
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Al
-
Military School
The Youngest Military School in
the United States.
Yet it will be full grown in Sep
tember. The $lOO,OOO invested in
this institution gives it modern
buildings equipped with electric
lights, steam heat, showers on
every floor, swimming pool, ete.
Every modern comfort and the
very highest aims to make real
men of boys 12 to 21 years of age.
Tuition com“leto $366 except
uniforms, which are supplied by
local merchants at low prices.
Located in the healthful Pied
mont section, where climatic con
ditions are ideal. Thorough-in
struction, 16 units required for
graduation. Athletics encouraged.
Write for full particulars.
A.S. FORD, President,
Salisbury, N. C.
_..SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES. ___ SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES,
ATLANTA CONSERVATORY OF MUSIC
Faculty of Artist. Recitalists, All deaartments complete, School Or
chestra and Chorus, Public school usic, Reading, Oratory, Lan
guages,
Fall Session Opens Sept. 7, 1914,
The Foremost School of Fine Arts in the South.
ATLANTA CONSERVATORY OF MUSIC,
Peachtree and Broad Streets. Atlanta, Ga.
CASTLE HEIGHTS £ &
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A school that puts character and manliness always first. Has no peer in equip
ment among Southern boys’ schools. Nine superb bulldings with all eutdoor
facilities for clean sport. Academic and commercial courses. Certificate ad
mits to all American universities that accept certificates Rates §3OO. For
handsomely illustrated catalog, address
. L. L. RICE, Ph.D., Head Master, Lebanon, Tenn.
, ARCHNCAET Ry W o 2 R
TRi|\ A 1 L 2 /%/, S '{j’k’»‘?‘»‘}f
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1374 PEACHTREE ROAD - - - - ATLANTA
THE SOUTH'S MOST BEAUTIFUL SCHOOL
DISTINCTIVE FEATURES.
1. Boarding Department limited. $lOO,OOO in Grounds and Buildings.
2. New School Building, modern in equipment, with provision for open
air classrooms.
3. Courses in Domestic Science and Physical Training a part of regular cur
riculum.
4. Departments: Kindergarten, Primary, Academic, College-Preparatory,
Music, Art, Expression.
Thirty-seventh Session begins SEPTEMBER 10, 1014
Write for Illustrated catalogue “B."” L. D. and EMMA B, SCOTT,
Principals.
S
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Select School for Girls >
j enjoys the reputation of being one of the most ‘/
/. thorough institutions in the South. &
For over 20 years it has been patronized by the best fam
‘ ilies in the State.
It is in every feature and effect an institution ‘wherein
'\ refinement, quietude and solicitous attention for each indi
{ vidual under its care influences the very highest moral cul
-3 ture and social polish.
\ It is a graded school with Collegiate, Grammar and
b Primary Departments and it offers the best advantages
in Music, Languages and Art.
Domestic Science and Post-Graduate Courses will be added.
s OPEN MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 7th.
Write Miss Hanna for full particulars,
courses of instruction, etc.
Phone Ivy 7158-L
368 Peachtree Street
P Atlanta, Ga.
¥ : i
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B e etas
NR 1) AT S O S RS IR A v
The Beautiful New
Mount St. Joseph
Conducted by the Sisters of St. Joseph
Augusta, Ga.
MONTE SANO, Boarding School for Young Ladies, delightfully situ
ated in a city farfamed as an ideal health resort, air pure and invigo
rating. Every educational advantage given the prepargtory and high
school departments.
Affiliated with the Catholic University of America (Washington, D.
C.). also fully accredited to the State University of Georgia.
.For Catalogue, address
“THE SUPERIORESS.”
For over a century THE UNIVERSITY
OF GEORGIA has been training the youth
of the State for leadership in all the activ
ities of the people.
Law, Ph Medici
aw, riarmacy, viediciie
Agriculture, Forestry, Horticulture, Veterinary
~ Medicine, Animal Husbandry, Civil and Elee
trical Engineering, Road Engineering.
Bachelor of Arts and Bachelor of Science
: Courses.
Special courses leading to medical colleges.
School of Commerce and Finance.
Peabody School of Education for the train
ing of men for educational positions.
Graduates courses for Master of Arts and
Master of Science, in regular course or in the
suminer sessions.
Tuition is free, except in the first three pro
fessional courses above.
Board and lodging on campus is $1250 a
month.
There is no preparatory department. Stand
ard entrance requirements.
Send for Bulletins deseriptive of the Depart
ments desired.
Address THE CHANCELLOR, Athens, Ga.
SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES. __ SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES. .
AN])RMZUTHBERT. GA
Challenges Comparison as to: Progressiveness,
Efficiency, Wholesomeness and the Charm of Life
Great Advances this Year 3
J- w- MALONE, Pres. - CUTHBERT, GA.
S 5.4 E————— TST O——— ] A WAL KW R S—— —i T T ——————— S
The Oldest School of Technology in the South
69 Professors and Instructors 820 Students
20 Weli Equipped Laboratories
Summer Session, July 24 to September 4, 1914,
Next Session Begins Wednesday, September 9, 1914,
New Buildings and New Equipment.
DEPARTMENTS
I. College of Engineering and Mines—Civil, Electrical, Mechanical,
Chemical, and Mining Engineering, Architecture, Metallurgy,
Mechanic Arts, Techrical Drawing, Machine Design, etc.
il. College of Agricultural Sciences—Agriculture, Horticulture, Ani
mal Husbandry, Botany, Entomology, Chemistry.
Department of Pharmacy (Four-Year, Three-Year, and Two-Year
Courses).
111. Academlic Departments—History, English, Mathematies, Latin,
German, French, Physics and Astronomy, Political Economy,
Psychology.
IV. College of Veterinary Medicine.
Expenses. Free tuition to residents of Alabama, $20.00 to non
residents. Board in Dormitory and with private families.
For Catalogue and Further Information, Address .
CHAS., C. THACH, LL.D., President. AUBURN, ALA.
e eet
--)eXR RO e i .
4 AR ST B B ¥ A M e £
Lo 4 7o \ £ SR S B £ P
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|l|" !“l The doors of opportunity are wide
Z )i\ open to young men with technical
? %(fi training, They are not only fitted to
> &.*\ _‘fi—,@. fill positions of responsibility in- the
’fly“;% technical world, but have a broad
WYABNG/ | foundation upon which to build in
; A p
'||~ Civiv_{l|lany line of work. They, become
VO =7 | trained thinkers. - e
*ai ‘=qs) Georgia School
astf@g 4] of Technology
'u% is an institution for technical training un
'... CHAMG (||| surpassed in the South. It not only im-
A Za\ | parts knowledge, but teaches the young
rteee_ 32 \\ Man how to use it.
T & L& “‘Graduates of Ga. Tech are among
% gffl'/ the leaders in the development of the
—TT JB-rEA v natural resources of the South.”
q@‘_ ;‘j?;-'"' w/ || Eminently practical and thorough courses in
"' (@c\c Mechanical, Electrical, Textile and Civil
=22\ ||| Engineering, Engineering Chemistry,
351 PS5\ | Chemistry, Architecture and Commerce.
At} '*‘&**.' ‘@ " hTheénorglltorg? of_thii inifimfi(‘)r; is _unusu;l}iy
A AT - } o ecla t sica .
T et L o i Y
N{S@‘s #//| United States. For illustrated catalog address
“‘Z@,}j! v K. G. MATHESON, President
EXTIV ATLANTA, GA.
|||_llln‘mlll|||
®
Georgia ochool of Technology
|
| Teaches boys to touch their ca{l)s
) not only to their Flag but to the
Il other worth-while things in life.
EN A GOOD WORKMAN MUST
[ ‘) HAVE GOOD TOOLS
RN . e
iN% Therefore, the Georgia Military Academy
W is equipped for teaching ~s_is no other
\ boy's school in the South. But the pur-
MR\, pose of the school does not end with
| \\ equipment or books
\ \ It Teaches Your Boy to Salute
N\ Truth, Right, Self Control, Obedience to
| ‘ Constituted Authority and Patriotism,
Il i! The Georgia Mih'lary Academy is classed Aby the U. S. Govern
![ ment.and dgsggnated one of the six esgecia"y commended of
{ America. Military Department under active army officer.
: Especial attention to physical welfare in san
| | itary, roomy quarters and a home of comfort.
| Let us send you full information about the place,
§ the studies, our care in case of sickness, and ouz
|/ methods of making men of your boys.
! COL. J. C. WOODWARD, A. M,, President,
il | COLLEGE PARK, GA. Atlanta's Leading Suburb,
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