Newspaper Page Text
e
Jokes from the Harvard Lampoon, Princeton
un rom Oe e l s.._..Tlger, Cornell Widow and Other College
Comlie Papers.
Copyright, 1914, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved
One on W. J. B.
JOHNNIE——DM Willlam the Silent come
from Nebraska?
Teacher—Why, Johnnie! Mercy sakes no!
U. C
SIMPL.E STUDE put shingle out,
Proclaiming him M. D.
But from A. M. to late P. M.
His office was M. T,
Higher History.
ul WANT a nice light book to read on the
train.”
“How wonld the Last Days of Pompell’
do?”
“Pompe!i? Who was he? How did he
die?”
“I think 1t was some kind of an eruption.”
< 1
)
D
The Bids Ars Out.
At the Other End.
A STOUT old gentleman was having treo
ble with the telephons. He could hear
pothing but a confused jumble of sounds,
and finally he became so exasperated that
be shouted Inte the transmitter:
“Is there a blithering fool at the end of
‘s line?”
“Not at this end,” answered a coal, femi
nine volce.”
Hashimura Togo at the Seashore---By
Being the Letter of a JnEplneu Boy
of-all-work to the Editor of
GOOD HOUSEKEEPING MAGA
ZINE.
Published by Permission of GOOD
HOUSEKEEPING MAGAZINE.
To Editor “Good Housekeeping Mag
azine” who know how cook varie
ties of sea-shells.
EAR MR.:-——Among the fresh
alr at Sandflea Beach, Conn,
employed by Hon. Mrs. & Mr.
Liddbeater, 1 am no longer to be
found at that address. If someone
could find a seashores without an
ocean attached to it 1 should be mors
happlly to remain.
Nikkamura Japanese Fmployment
Agcy send me there, where I arrive to
smiling blue porch setting alonesome
amid winds, The internals of that
house resembla bleached almhouse,
yet Hon. Mrs. Liddbeater say she
were fortunate to obtain it in fash
{fonable location price 2008 monthly.
“While by seashore we love the
tough simplicity of life,” she snug
gest with sweet-hearted expression.
“We must pay expensively for our
discomforts here vet we ars pride
ful to do so.”
These Liddbeater family have got
two (2) children of assorted sexes,
age 17 & 18 respectfully. Eclaire are
girl name and Ollver his. Both wear
very giggling clothes and love to be
engaged. She got Stanhope Whiffle
budd, deliciously matinee boy, for
hers, while Hon. Oliver obtaln sweet
heart attention from Hon. Bluebeli
YVawk, voungly lady of extreme tango
But when Frvday night arrive up
my vacation become considerably
more entangled. From out from de
pot emerge Hon. Mr. Liddbeater with
tired-business expression while read
ing Wall street news from paper.
“At 4:08 to-morrow a. m. high tide
shall arise and codfish wil] be biting
viciously,” he say so. “Therefore we
g 0 fishing.”
Groans by all
“Mayvbe you prefer to enjoy vyour
seasickness alone!” renig Hon. Mrs
Madam with Pankhurst expression.
“Darling, T could not,” he reprieve.
“Y am determined to share my pleas
ures wrtm my familv. Therefore, we
arise upward at 3:30 to be prompt
with hooks.”
At 3:30 come tap-knock to door
“What is it?" I fequite with startle
“3:30!" holla Hon. Liddbeater voice
out there. “Arise to go fish!”
“Togo" demanded Hon. Liddbeater
like Napoleon. “while we flsh vou
shall go along and whittle bait. Also
prepare lunching for 10 and be verx
Impromptu adbout it.”
I do so and we nextly go to shore
where 1 must carry complete lunch
w_S_C})flG\CLS AND.CO_LEEGES; S
SOUTHERN UNIVERSITY
OF MUSIC.
353 Peachtree St., Atianta, Ga.
’ Gerard-Thiers, Kurt Mueller,
¢ Directors. §
{ Unsurpassed faculty. High stand
-2 ard in all departments. Dormitory.
Write for catalogs.
SUMMER SCHOOL during June |
and July,
Comes High.
“DO you belleva in free love?”
“No, I think love is always purchased
dearly.” .
Must Have Lost His Head First.
JOHNNY-»»DM old Coinstax lose [nterest
in that chorus girl?
Cholly—lnterest? I should say, and most
of his principal.
Hubby's Advice.
HE——Tnin a eervant in the way she should
£O.
Bhe—Yes, and the first thing you know
she does.
A Good Example.
PROF‘.-G!V. an example of an {maginary
spheroid.
Stude—A rooster’s egg, sir.
Self Defence.
STUDENT (enduring a face massage)—
Gad! That towel was hot!
Barber — I'm sorry, but I couldn’'t hold
it any 'nneaa
ing, Including baby and umburella.
Pretty soonly we arrive to detestable
whileboat belng kept by salted gen
tleman resembling damaged admiral
All the ocean seem to tip up on one
side as if it was going to spill in Cal
ifornla. Something Inside my inle
rior stumack seem to speak of my
dead ancestors. And look! Pach
stylish person of that cruise begin
concealing their happiness by laying
down on it. Groans. Yet Hon. Lidd
beater continue to make happy cheek
and smiling iip resembling Hon. Edw.
Foy seeming comlie.
At lastly he motion Hon. Salt Gen
tleman to choke his engine.
“This are the exact patch of waves
where Thos. Cod come to chew their
cud,” he explained. “Therefore, Hon.
Capt, stop boat. Togo, while all
other fishermans lay dving, you shall
cut baits attractive to fish.,”
“It convenient, Mr. Sir,” I bereft,
“1 should prefer to join the other
groans.”
“Continue to fish-hook or 1 dls
charge you,” he dib.
“It you would discharge me bdack
to shore T would bless you in Japa
nese,” 1 gargle. Yet he horridly threw
me clams, unhappy mammals which
1 must amputate with dull knife
while spearing them with disgustly
hooks.
Hon. Liddbeater lit pilpe of very
enraged smell, (roans by all
“Nothing like pip-smoke while fish
ing,"” he say for smiles
Pretty soon Hon. Boss make elec
tric movement with wet string. He
bite pipe more cruelly while halling
in one enraged cod who mock him
with angry mouth,
“A beautiful fish!” he yellup Joyly.
“All see {t!"
All those sicknesses report “Um"
with unhappy nose
“Are he not beautiful ish?” he ask
it to me.
“Perhapsly when younger.” I disen.
gage while holding my head on.
Of suddenly Hon. Mr. Liddbeater
arise upward from pillows like a fried
snake.
“For sake of your children,” repeat
her, “I ask you to cease making clams
SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES.
gar |
00X & College
v _;_g;_’ ‘-—« T
Sy V'S - SN
z RTHE : A
Y .A.l; . A 2 PN s D
B R 55 RS AN
e T
T AR e '
A Standard College for Women
Ideally located: most modern Con
servatory best equipment; splendid
ealth record; most beautiful campus
Offers fu irses in Liberal Arts and
Sciences, Expression. Painting, Do
mestic Science and Music
Cox Collex 1S seventy-two years
¢ stripus story Write to-day
r catalog and book of views. Ad-
COX COLLEGE,CoIIege Park, Ga.
Chances Good.
W[LLIE — Why
don’t you have
it charged?
CHOLLY — B t
they don’t know me
there.
WILLIE — Then
they’ll charge it
Correct,
Sit Down.
P ROFESSOR ==
Who was the
mother of Sciplo Af
ricanus?
IGNO RAMUS
(thoughtfully)-Why,
Mra. Africazis
and people and Japs and flsh miser
able for selfish joy of your depravity.
Put us somewheres where we can run
away."
“Figshing can not be accomplished
by running away,” he deploy with
Samurai expression. “I never depart
off until I have caught 14.”
‘“lf the boat sink, I be obliged'”
gaggle all together like chorus-girls in
hospital. -
“I know how!" I holla with sudden
ness of intelligence. ‘“By preparing to
swim you shall snub those 14 cod
fish!"
Thusly exclamming, I lept uply &
grabb hammer where it layed sleeping
beside lunch. With nimble ankles pe
culiar to heroes, I jump to bung-plug
in central middle of that Dboat.
Whacks! Uply sprung plug quite
corkishly and next came huj sprout of
salt Atlantic approaching inside the
gianterous fountain.
“Brainless species of mice!” re
proach Hon. Mr. while attempting to
brush out ocean with heel. Yet al
ready Hon. Boat resemble bathtub
where all set in lake. Alarming wake
fulness from seasickness was next to
arrive, and—before I could acknowl
edge—each person make flop-splash
to water, including me who was there
amidst swimming while Hon. Boat
turn over on his nose and float up
down.
I have Hon. Mrs. Liddbeater, lady
of large tonnage but considerable
floatage. Hon. Oliver save Hon. Blue
bell. Hon. Liddbeater save himself.
Hon. Elcaire save Hon. Stanhope.
Hon, Captain save Hon. Bottle. So
everybody were quite comfortable,
thank you, hooking their nails to
stummack of that boat. But where
was room for me? 1 continue on
wards splashing doggishly.
“Get off of!™ snagger Hon. Mrs.,
giving me crude push with heel while
I attemmp to sclutch
“You are discharged!" howell Hon.
B T ——
~ SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES.
= B EN e
. AR N Y & PR
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MOUNT DE SALES ACADEMY
CHARTERED 1876 MACON, GEORGIA
{‘\"d"c'fld by the Sisters of Merey
The course is thoreugh. embracing all the branches requisite for a solid
and refined education. Departments of Art, Music and Elocution.
For Prospectus, address
THE MOTHER SUPERIOR
HEARST'S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, GA., SUNDAY, JULY 19, 1914
Going One Better.
“BANG!" went the rifies at the maneuvers
“00-00,” screamed the pretty girl—a
nice, decorous, surprised little scream. She
stepped backward into the surprised arms
of a young man.
“Oh,” said she, blushing, “I was frightened
by the rifles. I beg your pardon.”
“Not at all,” sald the young man. “Let's
go over and watch the artillery.”
Haven't Got To.
MlKE——Phat have we got t' eat this morn
in'?
Nora—Wae afn’t got to eat nothin’ if we
don’t want to.
Certainly Not.
HE——Are you deaf to my pleadings?
She—l em.
He—But what {f I were to offer you a dis
mond ring?
She—Oh, I'm not stone deaf,
Of Course.
STRANGER—Why. Pat, thers used to b
two windmills thers,
Pat—To be sure, sir.
Stranger—Why {s there but one -thers
now?
Pat—Sure they took one down to lave
more wind for t'other.
Yawning Is Easier, Too.
CRITIC—Do you think your new play was
successful?
Actor—Yes; there was not a hiss in the
whole house.
Critic—Well, you know people cannot
yawn and hiss at the same time.
Was Still On.
MR. PICADILLY—But my dear young lady,
the sun never sets on British subject.
Miss Madison—Perhaps it's because they
can’'t be trusted in the dark.
After the Concert.
S}{E——lt must he fine to sing on the Gles
Club.
He—lt ought fo be fine or imprisonment.
Liddbeater. “Report to my office in
New York for your payment.”
Thinking thusly, I struck offward
in gen. direction of New York, and
when lastly seen I feel very free, al
though expect to be drowned,
Hoping you are the same,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
M
~BCHOOLS AND COLLEGES.
= ( ,‘\ o
T B e
o AL e
T i LR
— -y Sl = o A {f.t' =
ke
| SALISBURY
“aw
Military School
The Youngest Military School in
the United States.
Yet it will be full grown in Sep
| tember. The $lOO,OOO invested in
this institution gives it modern
buildings equipped with electric
lights, steam heat, showers on
every floor, swimming pool, etec.
Every modern comfort and the
very highest aims to make real
men of boys 12 to 21 vears of age.
Tuition comYllete $355 except
uniforms, which are supplied by
local merchants at low prices.
Located in the healthful Pied
mont section, where climatie con
ditions are ideal. Thorough in
struction, 16 units required for
graduation. Athletics encouraged.
Write for full particulars. v
A.S. FORD, President,
Salisbury, N. C.
_SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES____ SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES.
ATLANTA CONSERVATORY OF MUSIC
Faculty of Artist-Recitalists, All departments complete. School Or.
chestra and Chorus. Publio sohool Musie, Reading, Oratory, Lan
guages.
Fall Session Opens Sept. 7, 1914,
. The Foremost Sohool of Fine Arts in the South,
ATLANTA CONSERVATORY OF MUSIC,
Peachtree and Broad Streets. Atlanta, Ga.
e ————————————————— e e S e
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CASTLE HEIGHTS &7« #
A, SN %
. FOR BOYS Lg TR - e %
R Mghon BitSR B sEs REATIE ?"Z?;&z";;-,, g ?f’ W 3
o 5 AR I RYC ToTG R RGO SAR ATTE § B RO RB S R ORIE SIS
Z iAR bTRL Ml e IS SIS Rso >$ Pty
e e e S (L
EE NG R B B SR i e b 2 TPN R
G BRI P ey T .rz;gg ; A y"}e;:, Sy
W i R e o SRR i
W e R ;3“‘% gt
s, ie 2o ’“‘%fim‘ e
A school that puts character and manliness ulwiyfi first. Has no peer in equip
ment among Southern boys’ schools. Nine superb buildings with all outdoor
facilities for clean sport. Academic and commercial courses. Certificate ad
mits to all American universities that accept certificates. Rates $390. For
handsomely {llustrated catalog, address
L. L. RICE, Ph.D.,, Head Master, Lebanon, Tenn.
2 AT NS R 522 222 e
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7 A AN AT i i P A 5 %&sz’"’
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aokd” 2o |ll G Sl el 1 L B (s A/
Sty e| i JHi]w 4Mg El 11 I'/’;f/',f{f
Ll v R A - UYL S =I, G, BAN M
’"51.?( TP 'lw‘"‘,‘mll_fi PePR MR loldl..‘l';’.;tl",{';.‘.",a\.-
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1374¢ PEACHTREE ROAD - - - - ATLANTA
THE SOUTH'S MOST BEAUTIFUL SCHOOL
DISTINCTIVE FEATURES.
1. Boarding Department limited. $lOO,OOO in Grounds and Buildings.
9. New School Bullding, modern in equipment, with provieion for open
alr classrooms
8. Courses in Domestic Science and Physical Training a part of regular cur
riculum.
4. Departments Kindergarten, Primary, Academio, College-Preparatory,
Music, Art, Expression
Thirty-seventh Session begins SEPTEMBER 10, 1914,
Write for illustrated catalogue ''B.” L. D. and EMMA B, SCOTT,
Principals.
- -
5 . ’ 1R \
Miss Hanna's ARE
. Y
7 * ¥/
f Select S Girls & ¥
¥ Select School for Girls \& ¥
enjoys the reputation of being one of the most &
thorough institutions in the South. &
For over 20 years it has been patronized by the best fam
flies in the State
It is in every feature and effect an institution wherein !
[ refinement, quietude and soHcitous attention for each indi
| vidual under its care influences the very highest moral cul- i
\ ture and social polish. /
¥ 1t is a graded school with Collegiats, Grammar and
Primary Departments and it offers the best advantages 4
\ in Musie, Languages and Art.
N\, Domestic Science and Post-Graduate Courses will be added. g
\ OPEN MONPAY, SEPTEMBER 7th. g
\ Write Miss Hanna for full parficulars,
courses of instruction, etc.
Phone lvy 7158-L
\ 368 Peachtree Street 2P
‘ Atlanta, Ga. o
\ /’/»{
AT o v T
# ; i sy
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00, o R W A RiSl O RE A. S A o o
AR T YR eyt el A Ab P
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TR Wncians SO 7 T R o (BT PSI
f‘i‘"’ T i@fi,z{i@‘rxgég.x BN 1 Sagapl o R
AR 2 TRO R RNS T B2L R
"‘»j?:‘* a)’ A~."l «‘*‘:”,2l ,#?g’,,fil/ { iu'fl‘wmfifi S PR [ “)’uf’
SRR . i NN 1) oGz }"fi)—i s;' ) 1 l‘f"‘ t":' i
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RN AT AR g RO B o el
A iG T AR e T T
MR AP RS B T DRI L), o AT e S
gAN U """?}'..;“,s‘ e AN Tt o 0 (s ',»;l@3: R ke Ry
T S eI R R A 7'.:f‘¢3~?',s'l¥é'§_ffi SR A
i incn s o e PR O P R
STS AL TRo i o R I Re L AR se G
The Beautiful New
Mount St. Joseph
Conducted by the Sisters of St. Joseph
Augusta, Ga.
MONTE SANO, Boarding School for Young Ladies, delightfully situ
ated in a city far-famed as an ideal health resort, air pure and invigo
rating. Every educational advantage given the preparatory and high
school departments. ;
Affiliated with the Catholic University of America (Washington, D.
C.), also fully accredited to the State University of Georgla.
For Catalogue, address
“THE SUPERIORESS.”
For over a century THE UNIVERSITY
OF GEORGIA has been training the youth
of the State for leadership in all the activ
ities of the people.
.
Law, Pharmacy, Medicine
Agriculture, Forestry, Horticulture, Veterinary
Medicine, Animal Husbandry, Civil and Eleo
trical Engineering, Road Engineering.
Bachelor of Arts and Bachelor of Science
Courses.
Special courses leading to medical colleges,
School of Commerce and Finance.
Peabody School of Education for the train
ing of men for educational positions.
Graduates courses for Master of Arts and
Master of Science, in regular course or in the
summer sessions.
Tuition is free, except in the first three pro
fessional courses above.
Board and lodging on campus is $12.50 a
month.
There is no preparatory department. Stand
ard entrance requirements.
Send for Bulletins descriptive of the Depart
ments desired.
Address THE CHANCELLOR, Athens, Ga.
__SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES. SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES.
ANDREW OLLESE
CUTHBERT.GA:
Challenges Comparison _as to: Progressiveness,
Efficiency, Wholesomeness and the Charm of Life
Great Advances this Year 2
J. W. MALONE, Pres. - CUTHEERT, GA.
ALABAMA POLYTECHNIC INSTHTUTE
P SO T TR PR b L T T MY AT TSTIAT VR PP
The Oldest School of Teohnology in the South
69 Professors and Instructors 820 Students
20 Weli Equipped Laboratories
Summer Seaslon, July 24 to September 4, /1014,
Next Sesslon Begine Wednesday, SBeptember 9, 1914,
New Buildings and New Egquipment.
DEPARTMENTS
I. College of Engineering and Mines—Civil, Electrical, Mechanical,
Chemical, and Mining Engineering, Architecturs, Metallurgy,
Mechanic Arts, Teohnical Drawing, Machine Design, eta.
M. College of Agricultural Sciences—Agriculture, Horticulture, Ani
mal Husbandry, Botany, Entomology, Chemistry.
Department of Pharmacy (Four Year Three-Year, and Two-Year
Courses).
111. Academic Departmente—History, English, Mathematics, Latin,
German, French, Physics and Astronomy, Political Economy,
Psychology.
IV. College of Veterinary Medicine.
Expenses. Fres tuition to residents of Alabama, $20.00 to non
residents. Board in Dormitory and with private families.
For Catalogue and Further Information, Address
CHAS. C. THACH, LL.D., President. AUBURN, ALA.
[ENGINEERING]
|
) 3 The doors of opportunity are wide
/2 (N rgitis2\ open to young men with technical
et pen
73 W(% training. They are not onl{ fitted to
NPI 28] il positions of responsibility in the
'4‘,‘3"}/‘4g (Zj/ technical world, but have a broad
SZIHREG | foundation upon which to build in
lli' Civ\y tll any line of work. They, become
e
I fi4%|@g Georgia School
w@‘@\@. of Technology
l»'“"\ vl isan institution for technical training un
l)u CHANYC q" ‘surpassed in the South. It not only im
-2= Ai partshknotzledgei but teaches the young
/et A \\ M2N how to use i
7 ? _JF}, | ““‘Graduates of Ga. Tech are among
{o{fi N il the leaders in the development of the
W ! g;m ! natural resources of the South.”
& é"z,;""-""" Eminently practical and thorough courses in
',, ‘56\6 Mechanical, Electrical, Textile and Civil
N gzgineering;‘ E,;ngineeringd ghemiatry,
et emistry, Architecture a mm A
f o BB o i b s
T e T i,
%(ufif"} W/) United States. For illustrated catalog address
‘?;;J-:- /|| K. G. MATHESON, President
XTI “ ATLANTA, GA.
|IIII|||IIIIII|““ | 111 1
Georgia dchool of Technology
i‘ GEORGIA MILITARY
\ ACADEMY
|\ Teaches boys to touch their ca};las
not only to their Flap but to the
other worth-while things in life.
A GOOD WORKMAN MUST
, .“{ _» HAVE GOOD TOOLS
N) Therefore, the Georgia Military Academy
|§< 1s equipfied for teaching as_is no other
IR boy's school in_the South. But the pur-
W\ pose of the school does not end with
f \\\\ equipment or books
It Teaches Your Boy to Salute
. Truth, Right, Self Control, Obedience to
Constituted Authority and Patriotism,
The Georgia M_r'lltary Academy iolc[as:ed A by the U. S. Govern
ment and designated one of the six especially commended of
America. Military Department under active army officer.
| Especial attention to physical welfare in san
{ | itary, roomy quarters and a home of comfort.
] ‘ Let us send you full information about the place,
‘ the studies, our care in case of sickness, amy oux
methods of making men of your boys.
COL. J. C. WOODWARD, A. M., President,
COLLEGE PARK, GA. Atlants's Leading Suburb.
A\ 7 S\ 4 .\\ v / -
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