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ITEARST’S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, GA, SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 1014.
Doings of the Junk Family
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist
CnvrAght. 10! 4. by the Star Company. Great Retain Ri|hU R«*wr*p<1
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BEEN LOOKINq R>R- How
would You like A qooD
JOB IN A PRIVATE FAMILY
WITH Qooo WAQE-S /fY
( /AE
LOOKINq FOR
qooD Job IN
AMERICA ,
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HERE BANE
AtORE BISCUITS!
/oh
DOCTOR!
CO/AE AT ONCE
VJE ARE ALL VERY
V ILL
OUCH!
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hello! is this John the junk a\An?
SAV COME Ol/ER TOR a MINUTE- WE
qoT SOMETWINq FINE FOR.YOU
ME BANE qolNq] ( Yes.
Fora ride. J/Just ST
perfectly'
still
I'm qETruiq weary, of these
NEAR QOOKS IMQOINQ DoWNlhTHE
^Z)OC<ANDQET AH EMIGRANT
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lane that
HAS NO TUNK
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JOHN
the
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Cherry Valley Notes
By Old Joe Bigger
Oo*»TTl«ht, 1914. br the B*ar Omp—%
G.^rat Britain Right* Reserved.
B LAKE'S rooster ett a lot of the
crushed cider apples round
their mill Wednesday and got
a reglar Jamberee on. First ha
went tew a hen’s nest and kicked
all the eggs out of it; then he got
up on the apex coop and made a
reglar toboggan slide of It; then
he tried tew walk round the rtm on
a pan Mrs. Llake ued he acted
Jest like other men folks.
The Cherry Valley Liars’ Club
hed its reglar meettn’ Thursday
nlte. A prize wuz given tew the
feller tellln’ the best one. Here's
sum of them and the names of the
tellers:
Mace Lllllbrldge—When I wus a
boy we hed a cow we never milked.
We Jest started her out and she
went tew the home of each cus
tomer and they milked what they
wanted. Fer tickets we used a
board with holes in It and covered
It with paper, and after the milker
got throo, the cow with her horn
would punch out a pint or a quart
Jest ei they tuk.
Stant Dunn—Zeke Smith hed a
horse what could turn its eyes up
go's It looked blind and the next
day after Zeke always sold him the
horse would dew It. and the feller
what bot blm wus willing to aeU
him back for |60 less. Zeke mads
a livin' thet way fer tew years.
Zez Neefa—Durln the hurry cans
of 1876. I wus plowin’, an’ seeln’
a storm cornin' up 1 unhitched the
horse an’ tnk hold of the plow-
handles to turn It over when the
wind struck me. takln’ me and the
plow acrost the ten acer field to
five mlnits, and when I got tew
the end of the furrer It turned as
round, and In half a hour I hed the
whole field plowed.
Sam Davis—Jest afore the war
1 wuz farmin’ and the crow* wut
thlckern muskeeters in Jersey. I
hed a big gander what I learned
to throw stones by kickin’ back
ward an’ It warn’t nuthln' fer him
tew go out an' kill fifty crows In a
afternoon with stones."
Dode Swift—When I wuz a young
feller my folks lived in a part of
Philadelphia where there warn’t
menny houses. Our drain pipe got
stopt up once an’ pa stuck a light
nin’ rod In It. an’ the next llght-
nin’ storm what cum a ball of It
struck the rod, went throo the pipe,
cleanin’ It out slickem a whissle.
Ceph Henderson—We hed a
plummer cum tew our house onct
tew dew a job. an' he didn't hev
tew send hack tew the shop ten
git sumthlng what he fergot tea.
bring.
Ceph got the prise.
Sonne is of a Schoolboy-
By Lewis Allen
Copyright. 1914. by the 8it*r Company. Ure*t Britain Right* P.a*r» eri
I.
O GEE, ime up against it now for fare,
Beeleave me, I don’t know just what to do,
A new gurl’s come to school—her naim is Clare.
And shee’s a peech—but so’s my teechur. too.
My teechur's naim is Izzybel, you kno;
I planned when I growed up she'd bee my wife.
But now I'd like to be this new girl'i bow;
And yit—Gee wiz, ain’t this a tuff old life?
V>
Hi
II.
Last nite Bud Wilks he Dulled the new gurl’s hare;
It made me orful mad to sea hur cry.
I sed to Bud. “You let aloan of Clare I"
And when he laffed I punched him in the eye.
And Bud he grabbed a brik to chuk at me
And Clare she yelled. “O what a cow’dly kurl”
And Bud was shamed as anything and, gee.
This peech gurl Clare let me go h°am with hurl
III.
To-day Bud's eye was orfu! black, and so
The teechur asked him how he got the lamp
(She didunt call it “lamp." of coarse, you kno) ;
Bud toald hur, and she said I was a scamp.
But Clare she toald the teechur what Bud done
And teechur smiled at me and sed. My deer,
ime shure poor Bud just ment it awl in fun;
I know you're braive, but fikkle, too. I fear I
N**t Week—He etruggle* with the green-eyed moneterl
There’e a
Lot of
Similarity
Between—
THE MORNING SMILE
WEX JONES Editor
Vol. V.
[)ur Double-Barrelled
Detective Stories
The Shot in the Dark.
Story by Rudyard Tippling.
Solution by W. J. Spurns.
S PLURGE lay on bis face, Just
as he had fallen by the
sideboard.
He was clad hi pajamas.
A look of unspeakable terror
was on his face. There was
blood on the floor, and a chair
had been overturned showing
there had been a struggle.
Not a person In the house had
witnessed the tragedy. James
Harkins, the butler, said that
during the night he had heard
Mr. Splurge shout something, he
wasn't sure what, but dis
tinguished the word "bite.’’ He
thought Mr. Splurge was talk
ing In his sleep and paid no more
attention to it
The Solution.
E LEMENTARY, my dear Wat
son
The gas, as you see, was
not burning. This affair must
then have happened In the dark.
Hawkins’s testimony is of the
utmost importance, taken in con
junction with the spot where the
body lies. "Bite”—what does
that suggest to you? Nothing?
My dear Watson, you should get
a tenant—nobody home, nobody
home.
What bite would a man dread
so that he would cry aloud In
the night? Snake-bite, of course.
Snakes, my dear Watson. And
a man who sees snakes In the
night—what does he do?
I will reconstruct the scene for
you. Splurge thinks he sees
snake*. He goes to the dining
room In the dark. Just aa he la
A Neutral
and an
Innocent
Bystander
Atlanta, Ga., Sunday, November 1, 1914.
No, 33.
A. PICKUP
VCLAH
I Mfi
WH03A
KLAftM
Gv WH/9TA
KL AM
l
ORA
CLAM0
HEMA
CLAM
CLAM
3oiCft
\
STAKED
’ CLAM
A GATHERING OF THE GLAMS
reaching to the sideboard for a
drink he barks his shins on a
chair. Everybody does that in
the dark. Tut, tut, Watson; ele
mentary. You should read my
monograph on “Shins in Their
Relation to Furniture.”
The chair Is overturned and
some drops of blood fall to the
carpet. Splurge falls over the
chair and is too weak to get up.
SPLURGE ISN’T DEAD! And
when you visit him In your pro
fessional capacity, my dear Dr.
Watson, I should recommend the
application of ammonia.
Tut. tut, Watson; elementary.
Note by Dr. Watson—I have
called this adventure "The Shot
in the Dark,” although poor Mr.
Splurge didn’t get the shot he
was alter,
IN THE SMILE’S LETTER BOX.
SURE WE’LL PRINT IT.
•TO THE EDITOR—I am en
closing you herewith a flash
light photo of a massmeeting of
clams held here last night to pro
test against the use of clam
chowder.
Hugo Clamm. chairman, made
a rousing speech in which he
called upon every clam on the
Long Island coast line to enroll
In the Clam Social. Literary and
Anti-Chowder Society.
J. Schell Klam, M. D., pointed
out the danger of microbes In
chowder, which he said destroyed
thousands of consumers yearly,
to say nothing of the enormous
lots of clam life entailed by It,
Swam! Klahm, the famous
Indian seer, lectured on the
psychic clam. He said he had
been able to communicate with
the ghosts of clams that had
passed away In chowder. He
had heard their rapping on the
table at several seances, but so
far had cot been able to mats
out their exact meaning.
Knowing the Smile’s great In
terest in the Long Island clam,
I hope you will be able to And
space for photo.
EDDIE QUAHOG,
Far Rockaway, L. I.
Our Weekly Health H<nt
Don't batLe in front of a tor
pedo,
Gee, What a World!
ODOTVbt. 1*1*. br Ore ru> Oanvw. Or«»i »m«ln HHbO
F you don’t go to church you are not a good man.
IF you do go to church you are a hypocrite
IF you dress shabbily you are a failure
IF you dress well you are trying to bluff
IF you don’t give to charity you are a fight-wad.
IF you do give to charity you do it for show
IF you don't drink you are no kind of a regular fellow.
IF you do drink you are not a desirable peraon to know.
IF you wear a beard it is to hide a homely face.
IF you are smooth shaven it is to try and look younger than you srw
IF you refuse to let your wife waste your money you are a brute.
IF you give her all the money she asks for you are a fool.
IF you are affectionate to your wife in public you are mushy
IF you are not affectionate to her in public you are mean.
IF you lose a lot of money you are idiotic.
IF you make a lot of money you are a crook.
IF you tango you are frivolous.
IF you don’t tango you are a back number.
IF you are poor you are no good.
IF you are rich you got it by robbing other*.
IF you diet you are effeminate.
IF you eat heartily you are a human hog.
TF you die young you dissipate.
IF you live to a good old age you attained it through laziness.
IF, when you die. you go to the bad place it is because you deserved A
IF, when you die, you go to Heaven you got in by mistake 1