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llEARRT’R SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, OA., SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 19M.
Doings of the Junk Family
Cherry Valley Notes
By Cid Joe Bigger
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist
Cowrlftst. 1014. hj the Vat Comp«r,r Orr*t IHttln RlrM* It«**rved
Onvyrl«bt, 1*14, by thus 8Ur Oc .
Great Britain Right* Uearread.
B LAKE'S rooster ett a lot of the
crushed cider apples round
their mill Wednesday and got
a regiar jamberee on. First ha
went tew a hen's nest and ktckud
all the eggs out of It; then he got
up on the apex coop and made a
regiar toboggan slide of It; than
he tried tew walk round the rim on
a pan Mrs. Llake >ed he acted
Jest like other men folks.
The Cherry Valley Liars Club
hed its regiar nieetin Thursday
nlte. A prize wu* given tew the
feller tellln' the best one. Hare s
%
sum of them and the names of the
tellers:
Mace Lllltbrldge—Whan 1 wuz a
boy we hed a oow we never milked
We Jest started her out and she
went tew the home of eRch cut-,
tomer and they milked what they
wanted. Fer tickets we used a
board with holes In It and covered
It with paper, snd after the milker
got throo, the cow with her bom
would punch out a pint or a quart
Jest ex they tuk.
Stant Dunn—Zeke Smith hed a
horse what could turn its eyes up
so's it looked blind and the next
day after Zeke always sold him the
horse would dew It, and the feller
what hot him wuz willing to sell
him back for $60 less. Zeke mad*
a livin’ thet way fer tew years
Zez Neefe—Durln the hurrycans
of 1876, I wuz plowin', an’ seein’
a storm cornin’ up 1 unhitched the
horse an’ tuk hold of the plow
handles to turn It over when the
wind struck me, takln’ me and the
plow acrost the ten acer field in
five minits. and when I got tew
the end of the furrer It turned us
round, and In half a hour I hed the
whole field plowed.
Sam Davis—Jest afore the war
I wuz farmin’ and the crows wuz
thickern muslieeters in Jersey. I
hed a big gander what I learned
to throw stones by kickin' back
ward an’ it warn’t nuthin' fer him
tew go out an' kill fifty crows In •
afternoon with stones."
Dode Swift—When I wuz a young
feller my folks lived in a part of
Philadelphia where there warn’t
menny houses. Our drain pipe go<
stopt up once an’ pa stuck a light-
nin’ rod in it, an’ the next light-
nin' storm what cum a ball of It
struck the rod, went throo the pipe,
cleanin’ it out slickeru a whissle.
Ceph Henderson—W« hed a
plummer cum tew our tease onct
tew dew a Job an’ he didn’t hei
tew send back tew the shop tew
git sumthing what he forgot tew
bring.
Ceph got the prize.
Sonnes of a Schoolboy--.
By Lewis Allen
Copfright, 1914, by th* f*Ur Oeunj-Ai ) Gn>*t Britain lUght> K<*«>
I.
O GEE, ime up against it now for fare,
Beeieave me, I don t know just what to do,
A new gurl’s come to school-—her naim is Clare, C
And shee’s a peech—but so’s my teechur, too.
My teechur’s naim is Izzybel, you kno;
I planned when I growed up she'd bee my wife.
But now I’d like to be this new girl’s bow;
And vit—Gee wii, ain’t this a tuff old life?
There’s a
Lot of
Similarity
Between—
THE MORNING SMILE
WEX JONES Editor
A Neutral
and an
Innocant
Bystander
Vol. V.
Atlanta, Ga., Sunday. November 1, 1914.
No, 33.
II
Last nite Bud Wilks he pulled the new gurl’s hare;
It made me orful mad to sea hur cry
1 sed to Bud, “You let aloan of Clare!”
And when he laffed 1 punched him in the eye.
And Bud he grabbed a brik to chuk at me
And Clare she yelled, “O what a cow’dly kur!”
And Bud was shamed as anything and, gee.
This peech gurl Clare let me go hoam with hur 1
111.
To-day Bud’s eye was orfu! black, and so
The teechur asked him how he got the lamp
(She didunt call it “lamp.” of coarse, you kno) .
Bud toald hur. and she said I was a scamp,
“ jt Clare she toald the teechur what Bud done
And teechur smiled at me and sed, "My dee>
me shure poo; Bud just men! it awl in fun:
1 know you’-e Wi'», hut fikkle, loo, 1 fear’’
Kw.t Weak—He an ugflles with the green-eyed monaterl
Dur Double-Barrelled
Detective Stories
The Shot in the Dark.
Story by Rudyard Tippling.
Solution by W. J. Spurna.
S PLURGE lay on his face, Just
as he \had fallen by the
sideboard.
He was clad In pajamas.
A look ot unspeakable terror
was on his face. There was
blood on the floor, and a chair
had been overturned showing
there had been a struggle.
Not a person in the house had
witnessed the tragedy. James
Harkins, the butler, said that
during the night he had heard
Mr. Splurge shout something, he
wasn’t sure what, but
tlnguished the word “bite."
thought Mr. Splurge was
ing In his sleep and paid no more
attention to It.
dls-
’ He
talk-
The Solution.
E LEMENTARY, my dettr Wat
son
l he gas, as you sec, was
not burning. This affair must
then have happened in the dark.
Hawkins's testimony is of the
utmost importance, taken in con
junction with the spot where the
body lies. “Bite"—what does
that suggest >io you? Nothing?
My dear Watson, you should get
a tenant—-nobody home, nobody
home.
What bite would a man dread
so that he would cry aloud In
the night? Snake-bite, of course.
Snakes, my dear Watson And
a man who sees snakes In the
night—what does he do?
I will reconstruct the scene for
you. Splurge thinks he sees
snakes. He gv>ds to the dining
rocui in the dark. Just as he is
A, PICKUP
IMA
WfPSA
Gs WHflTA
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O.AM0
ST6W£D
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reaching to the sideboard fpr a
drink he barks his shins on a
chair. Everybody does that In
the dark. Tut, tut, Watson; ele
mentary. You should read my
monograph on "Shins In Their
Relation to Furniture.”
The chair Is overturned and
some drops of blood fall to the
carpet. Splurge falls over the
chair and is too weak to get up.
SPLURGE ISN’T DEAD! And
when you visit him In your pro
fessional capacity, my dear Dr.
Watson, I should recommend the
application of ammonia.
Tut. tut. Watson; elementary.
Note by Dr. Watson—I have
called this adventure "The Shot
In the Dark.” although poor Mr.
Splurge didn't get Lite shot he
was alter.
GATHERING OF THE CLAMS
IN THE SMILE’S LETTER BOX.
SURE WE’LL PRINT IT.
nro THE EDITOR—I am en
closing you herewith a flash
light photo of a massmeeting of
clams held here last night to pro
test against the use of clam
chowder.
Hugo Clamm, chairman, made
a rousing speech in which he
called upon every clam on the
Long Island coast line to enroll
in the Clam Social, Literary and
Anti-Chowder Society.
J. 8chell Klam, M. D., pointed
out the danger of microbes in
chowder, which he said destroyed
thousands of consumers yearly,
to say nothing of the enormous
loss of clam life entailed by 1L
Swami Klahm, the famous
Indian seer, lectured on the
psychic clam. He said he had
been able to communicate with
the ghosts of clams that had
passed away in chowder. He
had heard their rapping on the
table at several seances, but so
far had not been able to make
out their exact meaning.
Knowing the Smile’s great In
terest in the Long Island clam,
I hope you will be able to find
space for photo.
EDDIE QUAHOG,
Far Rockaway, L. 1
Our Weekly Health Hint
Don’t bathe In front of a tor
pedo.
Gee, What a World!
OonwVUt. 1»!4. br On et»r Owopuu, OwM Britain Right*
jF you don't go to church you are not a good man.
IF you do go to church you are a hypocrite
/
IF you dress shabbily you are a failure
IF you dress well you are trying to bluff.
IF you don’t give to charity you are a hght-wad
IF you do give to charity you do it for show
IF you don't drink you are no kind of a regular fellow.
IF you do drink you are not a desirable person to know,
IF you wear a beard it it to hide a homely face.
IF you are smooth shaven it it to try and look younger than you art
IF you refuse to let your wife waste your money you are a brute.
IF you give her all the money she asks for you are a fool.
IF you are affectionate to your wife in public you are mush\
IF you .are not affectionate to her in public you are mean
IF you lose a lot of money you are idiotic.
IF you make a lot of money you are a crook
IF you tango you are frivolous
IF you don't tango you are a hack number
IF you are poor you are no good.
IF you are rich you got it by robbing other*.
IF you diet you are effeminate
IF you eat heartily you are a human hog
IF you die young you dissipate.
IF you live to a good old age you attained it through laziness.
IF, when you die, you go to the bad place it is because you deserved it
IF, when you die, you go to Heaven you got in by mistake!