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TTEARRT’S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, OA, SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 1014.
Doings of the Junk Family
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist
e<rprtSgtA., 1014, b-v Eh* Company. Oi*at Britain RifM* Romrre<f
Cherry Valley Notes
By Old Joe Bigger
Onwright, 1»14,
Grvat Britain Right* Reamred,
tho Star Ownpaary.
by til
Britain TUg!
B LAKE'S rooster ett a lot of tM
crushed^ older apples round
their mill Wednesday and jot
a reglar Jamboree on. First he
went tew a hen’s nest and kicked
all the eggs out of it; then he got
up on the apex coop and made a
reglar toboggan slide of ft; then
he tried tew walk round the rim on
a pan. Mrs. Blake oed he acted
Jest like other men folks.
JOH N
THE
JUNK.
MAN
The Cherry Valley Liars’ Club
hed Its reglar meettn’ Thursday
nlte. A prize wuz given tew the
feller tellln’ the best one. Here's
sum of them and the names of the
tellers:
Mace Llllibrldge—When I wuz a
boy we hed a cow we never milked.
We Jest started her out and she
went tew the home of each cus
tomer and they milked what they
wanted. For tickets we used a
board with holes in It and covered
It with paper, and after the milker
got throo, the cow wtth her bom
would punch out a pint or a quart
Jest es they tuk.
Stmnt Dunn—Zeke Smith hed a
horse what could turn Its eyes up
so’s It looked blind and the next
day after Zeke always sold him the
horse would dew It. and the feller
what bot him wuz willing to sell
him back for $50 less. Zeke mad#
a livin’ thet way fer tew years.
Zez Neefe—Durin the hurrycane
of 1876, I wuz plowin’, an’ seein'
a storm cornin’ up I unhitched the
horse an’ tuk hold of the plow
handles to turn It oyer when the
wind struck me. takin’ me and the
plow acrost the ten acer field In
five mlnlts. and when I got tew
the end of the furrer It turned us
round, and in half a hour I hed the
whole field plowed.
Sam Davis—Jest afore the war
I wuz farmin' and the crows wuz
thlckern muskeeters In Jersey. I
hed a big gander what I learned
to throw stones by kickin’ back
ward an’ It wamt nuthtn' fer him
tew go out an' kill fifty crows In a
afternoon with stones.''
Dode Swift—When I wuz s young
feller my folks lived In a part of
Philadelphia where there wam't
menny houses. Our drain pipe got
stopt up once an’ pa stuck a llght-
nin’ rod In it, an’ the next ligbt-
nln’ storm what cum a ball of it
struck the rod, went throo the pipe,
cleanin’ it out slickem a whissle.
Oeph Henderson—We hed a
plummer oum tew our house onct
tew dew a job, an' he didn’t hev
tew send hack tew the shop tew
git sumtiling what he fergot tew
bring.
Ceph got the prize.
Sonnets of a Schoolboy-
By Lewis Allen
rVrcHyhi. SI 4, bj tlw St»r OooipMU Or««t «»w
I.
O TEE, ime up against it now for fare.
Beeleave me. I don't know just what to do.
A new gurl's come to school—her naim is Clare,
And shee’s a peech—but so's my teechur, too.
My teechur’s naim is Izzybel, you kno;
I planned when I growrd up she’d bee my wife.
Rut now I’d like to be this new girl's bow;
\nd vit—-Gee wiz. ain't this a tuff old life?
r~
There's a
Lot of
Similarity
Between—
THE MORNING SMILE
WEX JONES Editor
Vol. V.
Atlanta, Ga., Sunday, November 1, 1914.
A Neutral
and an
Bystander
No, 33.
II.
Last nite Bud Wilks he pulled the new gurl s hare;
It made me orful mad to sea hur cry.
I sed to Bud, “You let aloan of Clare!
And when he laded I punched him in the eye.
And Bud he grabbed a brik to chuk at me
And Clare she yelled, “O what a cow’dly kur!”
And Bud was shamed as anything and. gee.
This peech gurl Clare let me go hoam with hur!
III.
To-day Bud’s eye was orful black, and so
The teechur asked him how he got the lamp
(She didunt call it “lamp, - ' of coarse, you kno) :
Bud toajd hur, and she said I was a scamp.
But Clare she toald the teechur what Bud done
And teechur smiled at me and sed, “My deer,
ime shure poor Bud just ment it awl in fun ;
I know you're hraive, but fikkle, too, I fear!"
: Week—He struggles with tha green-eyed moneteri
[)ur Double-Barrelled
Detective Stories
The Shot in the Dark.
Story by Rudyard Tippling.
Solution by W. J. Spume.
S PLURGE lay on his face, Just
as he had fallen by the
sideboard.
He was clad In pajamas.
A look of unspeakable terror
was on his face. There was
blood on the floor, and a chair
had been overturned showing
there had been a struggle.
Not a person In the house had
witnessed the tragedy. James
Harkins, the butler, said that
(luring the night he had heard
Mr. Splurge shout something, he
wasn't sure what, but dis
tinguished the word "bite.” He
thought Mr. Splurge was talk
ing In his sleep and paid no more
attention to It
The Solution.
E LEMENTARY, my dear Wat
son.
The gas, as you see, was
not burning. This affair must
then have happened in the dark.
Hawkins's testimony Is of the
utmost Importance, taken in con
junction with the spot where the
body lies. "Bite"—what does
that suggest to you? Nothing?
My dear Watson, you should get
a tenant—nobody home, nobody
homo.
What bite would a man dread
so that he would cry aloud In
the night? Snake-bite, of course.
Snakes, my dear Watson. And
a man who sees snakes In the
night—what does he do?
I will reconstruct the scene for
you. Splurge thinks he sees
snakes. He goes to the dining
room in tiie dark. Just as he Is
A, PICKLED
VG-AM
IMA
WHOSA
G, WHAT/A
KLAM
OR f)
CLANI0
reaching to the sideboard for a
drink he barks his shins on a
chair. Everybody does that In
the dark. Tut, tut. Watson; ele
mentary You should read my
monograph on "Shins In Their
Relation to Furniture.”
The chair U overturned an-d
some drops of blood fall to the
carpet. Splurge falls over the
chair and is too weak to get up.
SPLURGE ISN’T DEAD! And
when you visit him In your pro
fessional capacity, my dear Dr.
Watson. I should recommend the
application of ammonia.
Tut, tut, Watson; elementary.
Note by Dr. Watson—I have
called this adventure "The Shot
in the Dark,” although poor Mr
Splurge didn’t get the shot he
was attar.
GATHERING OF THE CLAMS
IN THE SMILE’S LETTER BOX.
SURE WE’LL PRINT IT.
Jd THE EDITOR—I am en
closing you herewith a flash
light photo of a massmeeting of
clams held here last night to pro
test against the nee of clam
chowder.
Hugo C.lamm. chairman, made
a rousing speech In which he
called upon every clam on the
Long Island roast Une to enroll
In the Clam Social. Literary and
Anti-Chowder Society.
J. Schell Klam, M. D., pointed
out the danger of microbes In
chowder, which be sold destroyed
thousands of consumers yearly,
to say nothing of the enormous
lose at clam Ufa entailed by it.
Swaml Klahm, the famous
Indian seer, lectured on the
psychic clam. He said he had
been able to communicate with
the ghosts of clams that had
passed away In chowder. He
had heard their rapping on the
table at several seances, but so
far had not been able to make
out their exact meaning.
Knowing the Smile’s great in
ferest in the Long Island clam,
I hope you will be able to find
space for photo.
EDDIE QUAHOO,
Far Rockaway, L. T.
Our Weekly Health Hint
Don't bathe in front of
pado,
a tor
Gee, What a World*
CoTvrtefit. 1*14. Os* OUr Cenweaj SnU BrtULn Bow-W
jF you don't go to church you are not a good man.
IF you do go to church you are a hypocrite
IF you dress shabbily you ass a failure
IF you dress well you are trying to bluff
IF you don't give to charity you are a right-wari
IF you do give to charity you do it for show.
IF you don’t drink you are no kind of a regular fellow.
IF you do drink you are not a desirable person to know.
IF you wear a beard it is to hide a homely face.
IF you are smooth shaven it k to try and look younger than you aro
IF you refuse to let your wife waste your money you are a brute.
IF you give her all the money she asks for you are a fool.
IF you are affectionate to your wife in public you are mushy
IF you are not affectionate to her in public you are mean.
IF you lose a lot of money you are idiotic
IF you make a lot of money you are a crook.
IF you tango you are frivolous
IF you don’t tango you are a back number.
IF you are poor you are no good,
IF you are rich you got it by robbing other*.
IF you diet you are effeminate
IF you eat heartily you are a human hog.
IF you die young you dissipate.
IF you live to a good old age you attained It through laziness.
IF, when you die, you go to the bad place it is because you deserved H