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ITEARRT’R SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, GA. ( SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 19M.
Doings of the Junk Family
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By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist
rnprrttfbt. 1014. by the fltar Company. Great Retain Rl*ht.« Raaerred
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THAI BAHF
OKIE ON
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DID You
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IM QETTmq WEARY. OF THE5E
NEAR C 0 °KS IMQOinc, DoWNTbTHF
y^OC/AAHDQFT AN EMIGRANT
Your Just TBE qiRL rv i
SEEN LOOKlNqft>R HOW
WOULD You LIKE A Qood
.TOB IN A PRIVATE FAMILY
WITH Q-OOD WAGES
•^T-in n
( yAE BANE
LOOKING FOR
qooD JoB IN
America .
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HERE BANE
/More biscuits]
7oh"
DOCTOR!
COME AT ONCE
WE ARE AU.VEKV
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’Hullo] ISTHI3 John the !JuhK/aAn 'I
5AV! COME OVER TOR- A MINUTE WE
C^OT SOMETHING FINE ForYoU
ME SANE qo/NQ] f YES.
Fora ride^J/Just sit
PERFECTLY'
STILL
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ITS A LOuq
MY£ THAT
HAS NO TUNK
PILE
JOHN
the
JUNK
MAN
Cherry Valley Notes
By Old Joe Bigger
CoprHuht. 1914, b, the Fter Cnmpm*
Otll BnUfn Right* Iteaereed-
B LAKE'S rooster ett a lot of the
crushed elder apples round
their mill Wednesday and got
a reg’.ar jamberee on. First ha
went tew a hen’s nest and klckud
all the eggs out of It; then he got
up on the apex coop and made a
reglar toboggan slide of It; then
he tried tew walk round the rim on
a pan. Mrs. I,lake sed he acted
Jest like other men folks.
The Cherry Valley Liars' Club
hed its reglar meetln’ Thursday
nite. A prize wuz given tew the
feller tellin’ the best one. Here’s
sum of them and the names of the
tellers:
Mace Lllllbrldge—When I wui a
boy we hed a cow we never milked.
We jest started her out and she
went tew the home of each cus
tomer and they milked what they
wanted. Per tickets we used a
board with holes in It and covered
It with paper, and after tue milker
got throo, the cow with her horn
would punch out a pint or a quart
Jest ez they tuk.-
Stant Dunn—Zeke Smith hed a
horse what could turn its eyes up
so’s It looked blind and the next
day after Zeke always sold him the
horse would dew It, and the feller
what hot him wuz willing to sell
him back for $50 less. Zeke mad*
a livin’ thet way fer tew years.
Zez Neefe—-Durln the hurrycan*
of 1876, X wuz plowin’, an’ seeln’
a storm cornin' up I unhitched the-
horse an’ tuk bold of the plow
handles to turn It over when the
wind struck me, takln' me and the
plow acrost the ten acer field in
five mtnits, and when I got tew
the end of the furrer It turned us
round, and in half a hour I hed the
whole field plowed.
Sam Davis—Jest afore the war
I wuz farmin’ and the crows wuz
thlckern muskeeters in Jersey. I
hed a big gander what I learned
to throw stones by kickin’ back
ward an’ it warn’t nothin’ fer him
tew go out an’ kill fifty crows In a
afternoon with stones.”
Dode Swift—-When I wuz a young
feller my folks lived in a part of
Philadelphia where there warn’t
menny houses. Our drain pipe got
stopt up once an’ pa stuck a light
nin’ rod In it. an’ the next llght-
nln’ storm what cum a ball of it
struck the rod, went throo the pipe,
cleanin’ It out sllckern a whissle.
Ceph Henderson—We hed a
plummer cum tew our house onct
tew dew a job, an’ he didn’t her
tew send back tew the shop tew
git sumthing what he fergot tew
bring.
Ceph got the prize.
Sonnets of a Schoolboy--
By Lewis Allen
T , <yprri*l*, 1914. by tho Sur Company. Great Britain IU*bu R«*dm
I.
O GEE, ime up against it now for fare,
Beeleave me, 1 don’t know just what lo do,
A new gurl’s come to school—her naim is dare.
And shee’s a peech—but so’s my teechur, too.
My teechur’s naim is Izzybel, you kno;
I planned when I growed up she’d bee my wife.
But now I’d like to be this new girl's how;
And yit—Gee wiz, ain’t this a tuff old li c e ?
TH]
.
,-r 11 — 11 m
There'* a
Lot of
Similarity
Between—
j
E MORNING SMILE
t
A Neutral
and an
Innocent
Byetander
J
WEX JONES Editor
Vol. V.
Atlanta, Ga., Sunday, November 1, 1914.
No, 33.
v>
II.
Last nite Bud Wilks he pulled the new gurl’s hare;
It made me orful mad to sea hur cry.
I sed to Bud, “You let aloan of Clare I"
And when he laffed I punched him in the eye.
And Bud he grabbed a brik to chuk at me
And Clare she yelled, “O what a cow’dly kurl’’
And Bud was shamed as anything and, gee.
This peech gurl Clare let me go hoam with hurl
III.
To-day Bud’s eye was orful black, and so
The teechur asked him how he got the lamp
(She didunt call it "lamp.” of coarse, you kno) ;
Bud toald hur, and she said I was a scamp,
But Clare she toald the teechur what Bud done
And teechur smiled at me and sed. My deer,
ime shure poor Bud just ment it awl in fun;
I know you’re braive, but fikkle, too, I fear!
N*/t W«*k—He struggles with the green-eyed moneterl
Our Double-Barrelled
Detective Stories
The Shot in the Dark.
Story by Rudyard Tippling.
Solution by W. J. Spurn*.
S PLURGE lay on his face, Just
as he had fallen by the
sideboard.
He was clad In pajamas.
A look of unspeakable terror
was on his face. There was
blood on the floor, and a chair
had been overturned showing
there had been a struggle.
Not a person In the house had
witnessed the tragedy. James
Harkins, the butler, said that
during the night he bad heard
Mr. 8plurge shout something, he
wasn’t sure what, hot dis
tinguished the word "bite.” He
thought Mr. Splurge was talk
ing In his sleep and paid no more
attention to It.
The Solution.
E LEMENTARY, my dear Wat
son
The gas. as you see, was
not burning. This affair must
then have happened in the dark.
Hawkins’s testimony Is of the
utmost importance, taken In con
junction with the spot where the
body lies. "Bite”—what does
that suggest to you? Nothing?
My desr Watson, you should get
a tenant—nobody home, nobody
home.
What bite would a man dread
so that he would cry aloud In
the night? Snake bite, of course.
Snakes, my dear Watson. And
a man who sees snakes In the
night—what does he do?
I will reconstruct the scene for
you. Splurge thinks he sees
snakes. He goes to the dining
room in utg tUtk. Just »* he la
A. PICKLEP
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reaching to the sideboard for a
drink he barks his shins on a
chair. Everybody does that In
the dark. Tut, tut, Watson; ele
mentary. You should read my
monograph on "Shins In Their
Relation to Furniture.”
The chair is overturned and
some drops of blood fall to the
carpet. Splurge falls over the
chair and is too weak to get up.
SPLURGE ISN’T DEAD! And
when you visit him In your pro
fessional capacity, my dear Dr.
Watson, I should recommend the
application of ammonia.
Tut, tut, Watson; elementary.
Note by Dr. Watson—I have
called this adventure "The Shot
In the Dark.” although poor Mr.
Splurge didn’t get the .shot he
was alter. j
A GATHERING OF THE CLAMS.
IN THE SMILE’S LETTER BOX.
SURE WE’LL PRINT IT.
'TO THE EDITOR—I am en
closing you herewith a flash
light photo of a massmeeting of
clams held here last night to pro
test against the use of clam
chowder.
Hugo Clamm, chairman, made
a rousing speech In which he
called upon every clam on the
Long Island coast line to enroll
In the Clam Social, Literary and
Anti-Chowder Society.
J. Schell Klam, M. D„ pointed
out the danger of microbes In
chowder, which he said destroyed
thousands of consumers yearly,
to say nothing of the enormous !
ion* of t.Um life entailed oj U? <
Swaml Klahm, the famous
Indian seer, lectured on the
psychic clam. He said he had
been able to communicate with
the ghosts of clams that had
passed away In chowder. He
had heard their rapping on the
table at several seances, but so
far had r.ot been able to make
out their exact meaning.
Knowing the Smile’s great in
terest In the Long Island clam,
I hope you will be able to find
space for photo.
EDDIE QUAHOG,
Far Rockaway, L. I.
Our Weekly Health Hint
Don’t bathe In front of a tor
pedo,
Gee, What a World!
CvpvTlght, 1914. by Ow »t*x Comp**?, drew Britain Right* Ra*w»ed
j F you don’t go to church you *re not a good man.
IF you do go to church you are a hypocrite
IF you dress shabbily you are a failure.
IF you dress well you are trying to bluff
IF you don’t give to charity you are a right-wad.
IF you do give to charity you do it for show
IF you don’t drink you are no kind of a regular fellow,
IF you do drink you are not a desirable perton to know.
IF you wear a beard it is to hide a homely face.
IF you are smooth shaven it is to fry and look younger than you ara.
IF you refuse to let your wife waste your money you are a brute.
IF you give her all the money she asks for you are a fool.
IF you are affectionate to your wife in public you are mushy.
IF you are not affectionate to her in public you are mean.
IF you lose a lot of money you are idiotic.
IF you make a lot of money you are a crook.
IF you tango you are frivolous.
IF you don't tango you are a back number.
IF you are poor you are no good.
»
IF you are rich you got it by robbing other*.
IF you diet you are effeminate.
IF you eat heartily you are a human hog.
IF you die young you dissipate.
IF you live to a good old age you attained it through laziness.
IF, when you die, you go to the bad place it is because you deserved 4.
IF, when you die, you go to Heaven you got in by mistake!
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