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/ Go To III ! SLEEP, MS | X TbLD You Not To EAT THAT MINCE Pie HARRY f*' ’ ■ ifceiiHjIHffl:!;-!: Walter Kelly, the Virginia Judgje, Trip Through the British Isles I T was while I was driving around Dublin, the home of my grand parents, that Paddy, the coachman, was suddenly seized with a fever ish inclination to engage me in conversation. ''An' so yez come from the good ould United States av America, Mis ther Kelley,” he began I admitted that he had guessed the great secret of my life. “Back to yer ould b'yhood home fer a bit, hey? "No Paddy,” T said. "1 was born in America, but my grandparents and i few hundred other relatives arrived on earth right here.” “Wull. it's a grand ould Dublin family, Misther Kelley, so it is. Whist! Don t breathe a wurrd av it, but IPs Home Rule we re gonna have when yez git back here agin." , ,, . , "I’ve always looked forward to me day when Ireland would be free. Paddy.” . . ... "Yis Sh-h! We got ten mousin' min under arrms in this town, eight thous'an' five hundred over in Kilkenny, five thousan’ up here in Dundreary-ivery one av ’em ready to strrike at a minute’s warnin’.” "Well, why don’t you start something?” I asked Mm. ■■We would, Misther Kelley, many a time we would, but the divil av it is, at the very slightest sign av a uprisin’. ther’s always a cop arround the comer to Jump all over us. In Belfast a few weeks later I was told about Mike, a more or less well known undertaker, who had formed a habit of beating his creditors, largely at the instigation of a socially ambitious wife Finally he was V ' forced to the wall, and a special meeting of all the creditors was called. Mike was summoned to appear before these men, who commanded him Copyright, 1914. by the Star Company. Great Britain Right* Reeerreit to Bay what he could in his defense, or to clear up the situation in any way. Mike appeared very humble and meek. "Gintlemen,” he said, "it’s terrible sorry Ol am thot Oi'm unable to meet yer demands jist yit Oi’ve had serious obligations to meet thot can't be mentioned here, but all Ol kin say is. if yez will only grant me a bit of time Ol’ll be glad to pay yez all a hundred an’ tin per chit on the pound." "What we wanta know is, where do we git off right now, and we wanta know it quick." said Hoolihan, one of the creditors, who had a voice like a thirteen-inch gun. "Well, me dear frinds,” pleaded Mike, "Oi'm completely at. yer mercy, so Oi am. 01 havep't a pinny to me name. Take me house, me furniture, the few coffins Oi have left, rip the clothes off me back, if y'will, and cut me to pieces and each take a piece”— “If ther gonta cut ye* t’pieces,” roared Hoolihan, "ail Oi want is a bit av yer gall." Just a little while before Mike's downfall, it happened that he had officiated at a funeral of a prominent politician in the town. This poli tician, Clancy, had acquired a wide reputation for obtaining many of the things he wanted by pugilistic methods or threats. In fact, he had been something of a prize fighter before entering the elevated ranks of the political bosses. Terry and Martin, two of Clancy’s henchmen, happened to he pass ing the latter's house on the day of the funeral, when Terry paused and proposed to Martin that they enter the house and take one last look at the remains of their fighting leader. They tip-toed into the parlor, and there was Clancy elaborately laid out in a fancy coffin, with a illy in his hand. Terry and Martin gazed long and thoughtfully at Clancy’s body. Then Terry said: “Faith, Moike, he looks verra natural, all but that lily. Begorra, they should have put a brick in his fist." 1 jumped from the Emerald Isle over to Scotland, and first struck a little town there where I heard a story about Harry Lauder’s cousin. The village kirk had been giving its annual bazaar to raise money for some undeserving charity, and Harry’s cousin took a three penny chance on a big package of pins The pins had been donated by a factory in the town, and the package was said to contain a million. Sandy, the cousin, won the raffle, and took home the pins. About a week later, he appeared before the elders of the church and said: "Aboot a week agley, I took a chance on a pack o’ pins, for thrip- pence. They said there were a million in it. I come to tell ye there are three short. I want me money back.” In London I fvas sitting in the lobby of a theatre with an American tango team, when a procession of nobility filed by. They were announced like this: “The Duke and Duchess of Newcastle, His Excellency the Lord Mayor, the Earl and Countess of Falmouth.” Then, an East Indian poten tate, wearing enough Jewels to free Ireland, “His Highness, the Rajah of Lahore.” The male member of the team turtle-' *n me ant i aa j(i : "Gee, I hope I go on ahead of that guy. lie’ll be a riut,” Christmas Mince Pie Nightmare Our Christmas Playlet Entitled “A Christmas Playlet” RUftiU R«**rv*d Copjrifui, 1914. lrr th* tom* Oompcnr. Great Z CHARACTERS. MR. PUFFER—Who 1* to produce the Chrlitmaa playlet MR. EEGER—Who wanta to take charge. MRS. PUFFER—Whe wanta to aesist her husband. MR. HYNOTE—Who wanta to be leading man. MISS OCTAVE—Who wanta to be leading lady. MRS. SWELLER—Who wanta to be leading lady. MISS SEARCHER—Who wants to be leading lady, SUSIE SWELLER—Who wants a lot of things. TOMMY JONES—Who wants to beat It. PERCIVAL TUSIf—Who wants to be the villain. MRS. EMMA ZONN—Who wants to be Santa Claus. MR. SWELLER—Who wants to be the lover. PLACE—The Homeville Monday Night Club. TIME—A week before Christmas. The ladies are in a primp talking about the new circular skirt, ‘ The men are in another group talking about the mistakes all the European generals are making. Tommy Jones is pulling Susie Sweller's hair. All are waiting for Ur. Puffer. Mr. Puffer arrives. M R PUFFER—Wee gates, folksea! MISS OCTAVE—Tee-hee, isn't he funny? MR. EEGER—Yea. as funny as a Flivver car. MR. PUFFER—I suppose every one is letter-perfect In their part. EVERYBODY—I haven't looked at it onhe. MR. PUFFER—Dear me. this will never do. When I was with Be- lasco one season every one had to have hlB part perfect before the first rehearsal. MR. EEGER—With Belaseo? Did Belasco know tt? MR. 8WELLER-—That's right; they stopped at the same hotel one Summer. MRS. PUFFER -Now, everybody, while my husband is getting ready. 1 want to have you all take your places MR. PUFFER faoffo voce to icife)—Now, Ann, don’t for heaven’s sake, butt into this; you don't know a charade from grand opera. PERCIVAL—Oh, Mr. Puller, you haven't assigned me to a part yet. MISS OCTAVE (whispering)—He wants to be the leading lady. PERCIVAL (overhearing her)—Oh, you stop your kidding me. MISS SEARCHER—Impossible— MR. PUFFER—What is it, Mr. Tush? PERCIVAL— I want to take the part of the villain, you know, I Just know I'll make a perfectly lovely bad man MR. HYNOTE—Sufferin' eclalres! PERCIVAL—Every one says, tee-hee—every one says I’m so perfect ly killing, you know. MR. EEGER—Ah, give him ohe vlllaJn's part. Puffer, and shift the playlet so I can kill him in the first act. I’ll be leading man— MR. SWELLER—Nix on that. I'm the leading man MRS. SWELLER—1 guess not, John Sweller, and make love to me? It would be absurd: I’m to be leading lady, you know. MISS OCTAVE—Are you. Indeed? Mr. Puffer promised me I oould be the leading lady, and MISS SEARCHER You are both wrong, Mr. Puffer says 1 am to be leading lady, I have the voice and form—— MRS. PI^FFER (to husband)—How dure you promise all those women they oould have leading parts? I will take lead and settle it MRS. ZONN- But they want a young person for leading lady MR. PUFFER—Come, come; let’s get started. PERCIVAL—Remember, now, it’s a promise. I'm to be the bad man MR. SWELLER—You couldn't be bad. it's beyond you. SUSIE SWELLER—Mamma says I can play the poor little girl if ! wear her diamond bracelet and diamond necklace and diamond rings so the people will know my part Is only make-believe MRS. PUFFER—They’d know the diamonds were make-believe .MRS. SWELLER —la that so? 1 want you to know I’ve got more dia monds than all the rest of the club members together, and MR. EEGER—My wife's are paid for MtSS OCTAVE Gome, oome—enough of this- give me my part and let us get started. MRS. SWELLER —Give her the maid's part, Mr Puffer, 1 will be the leading lady because / can dress the part and MISS SEARCHER—But I can took the part. I will be leading lady or nothing MRS PUFFER If you make her leading lady Pll—IT] go home to my mother— - MR. SWELLER Gee. wish I had that opportunity you’ve got. Puffer MRS ZONN—Don’t be childish, gentlemen—see how capable we women are Now, instead of a Santa Claus this year well have a MRS. Santa Claus, because it is really woman who has more brains • MR. EEGER—And more swelled heads MR. SWELLER—And more stupidity PERCIVAL—l think the ladies are perfectly lovely. MR. SWELLER—That’s right, you ladles stick together. MISS SEARCHER—I will be leading lady or nothing. MRS. SWELLER—Little cats, I am leading lady; 'doesn’t my hus band give more to the club than any one else MR. EEGER And gets it all back ten times over in his grocery etore. MISS OCTAVE. MISS SEARCHER, MTtS 3WELLER (together) — Decide, Mr. Puffer——- MR. SWELLER (whispering to Puffer)-—Give tt to Miss Searcher; re member your bill at my store MISS OCTAVE—Now, Mr. Puffer, you know me PERCIVAL—Let's draw lots; oh, goody, goody; let’s draw lots. MR. EEGER—Aw, let Percival be the leading lady MISS OCTAVE—This is no joking matter MR. PUFFER You arc all jokes. I give up. Nothing doing for a Christmas playlet this year. TOMMY JONES—Aw, let's go home, there's no fun here. PERCIVAL—But I want to be the villain MR. EEGER—All right, go slap some cripple on the wrist. They all go home, not one of them is on speaking terms until the other. This includes the married people, too NEXT WEEK’S ANNOUNCEMENT—Our Christmas entertainment this year will consist of a moving picture exhibition, showing scenes in the Holy Land. By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist Copyright* 1914, by Mur Corop*u>. Omit Britain HUcbu R^wrvod Late Sport News in This Section Besides cartoons by that funny follow, Powers, and the regular issue of “The Morning Smile.” "T BEST HUMOR, MOVING PICTURES, VAUDEVILLE. YTLANTA, (7A., SUNDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1914