Newspaper Page Text
I 1
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1914.
ITEARSTS SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, OA..
To Bermuda—and Back —By Lewis Allen
I"* ERMUDA." according to one of the seven or eight
hundred tourists who have each written a hundred-
A-c thousand-word history of the ntneteen-mlle Island,
"has some splendid literary associations.”
This Is quite true 1 met a number of people who wrote
while thay wore down there. They wrote home for money
But to put all Joking aside, since Joking has no place In
thess serious articles, Bermuda Is quite a literary place.
Me and Ruddy Kipling and Charlie Dudley Warner and
Billy Dean Howells and Mark Twain and Tom Moore and
—oh. a whole bunch of us, have been to Bermuda
Tom Moore wrote about a Calabash tree and Twain wrote
about "deep peace and quiet," and Kipling wrote about the
spot down there whore Shakespeare got hts hunch for "The
Tempest" and Howells wrote about "deddlous trees,” and I
wrote—six thousand words. To the credit of the Irish, Tom
Moore told the truth there ARK calabash trees In Bermuda,
but Howells—onr own dear Howells---who wrote about de-
oldlnas treee. well, not a native of Bermuda had ever seen
one on the tsland, they all said
Tom Moore the poet went to Bermuda In 1*04—I didn't
have (he pleasure of meeting him. But there was a sort of
scandal down there; he foil In platonic love with a Mrs.
Tucker, and a terrible thing happened—he wrnte a poem
about a calabash tree! But outside of that he was all right.
The calabash tree is still there. Mrs Allen and I saw It
8hs eald she thought there was more Inspiration for poetry
In a broiled live lobster. These women are deep. I didn’t
get her at flrst, but nailed to this calabash tree was a
sign which raad. "Do to Walslngham House for Broiled Live
Lobsters "
Tt you think that's a hint that you want some lobster"
"Another,” she corrected me, but I paid no heed to her;
I can bs firm when occasion demands.
"Nothing doing on the lobster, we will not buy lobster,”
I instated.
• Well, ao the waller brought on the lobster I looked at It.
"TFhot’s that?” I asked
"The lobster, sir,’’ he said.
"Where's his claws? He has no claws.”
Ttalther has an oyster, sir,” he answered softly.
Qf ooateee. he had me there, ao what was the use to argue?
(Ton thought I was going to resurrect that one about "Bring
me the winner" didn’t you?)
But Bermuda lobsters are not lobsters and Bermuda seal
lops ara not eeallopa. A Bermuda lobster Is really a giant
srawflsh and very good to eat. A Bermuda scallop Is about
one-third at a sphere, the stse of a baseball, and It travels
by means ot flapping tta sheila. U tastes more like a clam
than a scallop and looks more like a scallop than a clam,
and 1 can sincerely and honeotly say that any one who la
extremely fond of them will probably like them.
Many an ancient voyager called Bermuda the "Island of
1*1*. k» OlV htta l
Devils," and It was for centuries believed to be the abode of
evil spirits. 8c long ago as 1515 (which was before Bryan
had become very widely known either as a candidate or lec
turer), Juan de Bermudez landed there. He told of the evil
spirits. Sailors used to avoid the Islands whenever possible
because of their fear of evil spirits, and would celebrate when
they had safely passed the place.
An old seafaring gentleman told me all of this.
"Of course," he said, “It was superstition, that was alL
There’s no such thing as evil spirits.”
We stopped In at a little coral cottage at the fork of a
road, and as It was a "pub" I could only courteously Invite
him to refresh htmself st my expense. I Joined him.
"Try so ms of this, we are quite proud of It, It's a sort
of native—er—beverage made from the pawpaw."
After they had led me out Into the sunlight and pounded
me on the back,until I could catch a breath every three or
. four minutes, I managed to say, "Juan de Bermudez was
right. This 18 an Island of evil spirits!”
If this were a solemn guide to Bermuda Instead of a sort
of friendly guyed about Bermuda I would write "Bermuda
Is a paradise for cameras.”
But It Isn't It's a flns place for amateur photographers,
however. I went Into a little shop and bought some film.
"What's the damage?" I asksd
"No damage, sir, why, lor* bless yer, we like to 'av#
people buy things 'ere.”
I didn't argue, but paid him the "Ntne-punce” he asked,
wbloh Is exaotly twenty cent*. Despite this price, I was
rather proud of my own country, and didn’t tell him that
we oouldn't get the same American-mod# film at home for
less than 28 cents without breaking and entering.
We were going to have tea with friends on the terrace
at the South Shore Hotel one afternoon, »o Mra. Allen and
I dolled up. The friends had Juat landed on the Island, and
we wanted to Impress them—to let them know that we
were almost native* of the troplos, having been there a
couple of weeks. We put on everything white and sum
mery and In the way of tropical garb we oould think of. I
wore a white hat, my newest white allk shirt, white ducks
and white buckskin shoes, to say nothing at all about the
white silk socks with pink silk dots In them to match the
pink silk dots In my shirt
While waiting for the friends to arrive I took a camera
and went down on a coral ledge to get a good picture of the
spray whleh was being toeeed about fifty feet ekyward
every few mlnutea.
I got a couple of snaps, and then went around the corner
of a ledge to get a better and eloser shot at the spray. With
camera In readiness and the distance so well gauged that I
was iust ont ef the danger zone, I waited until the spray shot
up, than
I was never sura whether I pressed the button or not.
■ompginx. Omt Britain Right* He«rr?e4.
“I was never sure whether I pressed the button or not, for at
that moment one of those mean, sneaking, low brow swells
crept silently up on my right flank, climbed up over the
ledge, embraced me and took me down into the surf,
-/
Togo Cares for Hon. Refrigerator
Being the Letter of a Japanese Boy-of-
All Work to the Editor of GOOD
HOUBEKEEPINO MAGAZINE.
Published by Permission of GOOD
HOUSEKEEPING MAGAZINE.
By WALLACE IRWIN
r* EdUoi “Good Hoiurkpcping Vopasins,”
which are belt Amoric on trail< icuinal for
mat rimonv
D ear mr.•
Mrs Byron J. S name are
otherwise from her lace, reside at
Breakneok. L. I„ where I am not with her eni
ployment any more We enjoyed lifelong
friendship for two days until coolness of re
frigeration aroee amidst us.
"Togo.” she say me as roonly urn I had re-
poafted my suit case there aud resumed aprouly
•ixlform peculiar to servant, “at vast expense
canwiebt, in*. e tt» eu, Ommooa. aw SrtM. m«t>e a.
as me when I done'tt. Than I open hlin slight
ly for breathe freshalr and go set on doorstep
enjoying Nature.
While doing ao I observe two pets what Hon
Mrs. Smiley got for her homellfe. One are
flussy Angorlsh cat nama of Sweetie. Other er*
rough-edg* Hungarian dog name of Angal.
When I was Introduced to them Hon. Sweetie
were avoiding Hon. Angel by snatching him In
eye while climbing trees. That dog A cat re
semble vinegar A sods -deliciously natural si
rept whan combined together I waa attempt
ing to satisfy Hon Angel from his hanger for
oat whan one enlarged wagon come booling
down to door This wagon report In intense
letters:
KI/ORIDORA ICH CO—ICE.
One brutal man containing uncleansed ap-
pssranoe of olothlng ascend down from seat. In
his hands he claeped magnified pair of bow-
legged scissors "I am new Ice man," he
grudge olumsly. "How muoh Ice?"
K
of wealth I have put very patent refrigerator In
kitohep ao there shall be nc excuse for you.”
"I expact to remain quite Inexcusable," ! nar
rate with poltteneae peculiar to new cooks.
"I shall show you this great science;” she
lead me to repoeeful corner of kitchen where
stood Hon Refrigerator doing eo.
"This are not loe-box." she snlb. "This are e
Refrigerator. Refrigerator got higher Ideals. It
are stowaway for foods. And now I shall tell
you cere for this delicate apparatlx. Each
morning tt must be washed with loving ex
pression peculiar to babies. Clean hands must
be used for this work Nothing containing
znlkerobea most be permitted within 100 feet
f?x>m It It must be wiped with allapeptlc
cloths A opened )* hour so It can breathe fresh-
air. More Important of all. nothing must b*
put lneide It except foods."
Mr. Editor, there It nothing ao dutiful at
duty. Perhaps you have noticed this phe
nomenal In your work. No more aoonly had
Hon. Mrs departed off for visitation among
relatives then I oommenoe petting that Re
frigerator. After considerable manicure of
thumbs and knuckles I reverently remove out
all foods from that distinguished compartment
and wash him O. sc careful! with great purity
ot DtaLMtf fftt ##M«a «a
Hon. Mrs.
Wranch Open
Door of Hon.
Refrigerator.
Yowells and
Popps ! ! !
Outflow Cream,
Cucumbers,
Salad, Etc.,
Amidst Such
Confusion of
Scooting You
Oould Not Tell
( from Where
/V Came Hon. Catt
—Considerable
Groceries
Being Waited
on That Neat
Personality of
Hon. Mrs. Smiley 1
"We do not need Ice." I narrate hotttly.
"You are very satire," he glub. "Let me
look inside Refrigerator.”
"What!!" I holla "Should I permit mike-
robe person like you to look inside that aristo
cratic Interior? Not while I can die by fights.
Go pedal your Ices to old-fashioued homes
where is needed for coolness.”
With growels peculiar to brutality he amount
back to wagon.
At 9)4 p m. Hon. Mrs. retreat home with
her Mr.
“Did you wash & groom Hon Refrigerator?”
she ask to knew.
"Almost continuously all d-y **11 exhausted,"
I acknowledge.
"Did you permit nothing but food to get In?”
she questlonlse.
"Nothing however! ” I salute like soldiers.
Next morning Is was breakfast. By early
sunrise I was there to give Hon. Refrigerator
one more hath. Then, making my soul smile
for satisfaction, I fetch out egg, butter A other
Ingredients I should show those Smiley
family what eating to enjoy. *
Hon. Mrs with her Mr. sst by table when
S:22 o clock come. With Waldorf expression
of toe* ! c«rr> foods to them there and 'eave
n 4i u «> UtSIB* * N SkW 1 **£* feo
kitchen for await. Hon. Refrigerator had not
bad Its freshalr that morning. With dutiful
Angara I rush to him and open door to oon
slderable wideness I stood watching his hand
some Interior when—-eoraehyl! unexpected
ness occurred.
With straight swiftneee peculiar to oats Hon.
8w«etta ooxne skidding through kltohen door,
making hlssy like enraged gasoline, while,
nearly attached to her tail, approach Hon.
Angal. expressing anger by hli bark. 3)4 times
surrounding kitchen those dog-cat runners clr- ■
oulate, while tables, shelf, stove A furniture
were upcllmbed by that feline more faster than
that canine got there. *
And what then? More swifter than sky
rockets escaping from Siberia that oat schoooh
for Hon. Refrigerator whose face was open
for freshalr. Inside rash cat I was Joyful for
her salvation. I yell banzai; and so I could
assist her like gentleman should, I enclose that
door This leave Hon. Angel making humorous
dog-weep outside while waving tall from sor
row. 1 were Just sweeping him to backyard
when Hon. Mrs. Smiley encroach abruptly Into
kitchen. In her hand ahe hold platter contain
ing Norwegian omeltt I cook for her.
"Togo,” she require severially, "what Indians
have you been entertaining with that racket?"
“It were not Indians," I resolve. “It were
merely your pets behaving pettish."
"Perhapsly that joke would sound delicious
In Japanese." she snarrel. "Howeverly, I have
sadder thing* to say. Did you taste this omeltt
before cooking it?"
"I did not enjoy that displeasure," I say so.
"Then taate tt!" she dement.
“1 are hired to cook It, not to taste It," I back
away.
"What you done to Hon. Refrigerator that
egg* should behave fio Impolitely all sudden,
and butter show too much courage? Did you
put something In tt beside food?”
"Oh, honest!” I orate. "Nothing have went
Inside except cookables."
"I-et me see!” 8he make march toward Hon.
Refrigerator door where cat Inside could he
heard weeping. But I were too«sudden for her.
"Must not!" 1 shodder while leaping befront
of door and holding It stobbemly by attachment.
"It are unhealthful to open him this early time
morning.”
"Go way!" she commit with angry rages.
"How dares you Interrupt my spying Into my
own affairs ?” and before I could do so she
grabb tightly by that handle and wrench door
open.
Yowells A popps!!! Outflew cream, cucum
bers, salads, buttered pudding A jam amidst
such confusion of scooting you could not de
termlne from where came Hon. Catt. with such
enthusiasm she bursted window through which
she emerged out Considerable val. groceries
was wasted on that neat personality of Hon.
Mrs. Smiley, whose Indignant words qulwered
beside broken eggs.
"Do you Include cats among groceries ?" she
snarrel.
”1 did not Include her," I pled. "8he oome
with swiftness of fireworks."
"You can go with equal speed!” she romp,
throwing broom at my departure.
So I am now jobless.
Hoping you are the same,
Y'oi r- 'nily,
AZasbUUlliU iUUO,
for at that moment one of those mean, sneaking, low-brow
swells crept silently up on my right flank, climbed up over
the corner of the ledge, embraced me and took me down Into
the surf.
"You might have waited until after we had our tea and
we would have all gone In," rebuked Mrs. Allen, when I
sauntered nonchalantly up to our tea table clad In a bathing
suit.
After tea we sauntered down on the beach. Near the
bath houses Mrs. Allen spotted my spotted shirt and hose—
to say nothing of some other garments, hung on a line. She
'ent up and examined them, noted how
friendly the pink spots had become, run
ning together and embracing, felt of
them and found them still wet, saw the
white buckskin shoes shrivelled up.
Then she came over, took my arm and
•deliberately smelled my breath!
Ah, well, for once In her life she was
wrong!
That evening at the hotel some on#
s&ld, "Oh, Mrs. Allen, I saw you Just be
fore dinner. You were coming along the
cross road with a little barefoot boy In
white knee trousers!'’
Buckskin echoes and new white duck
trousers do shrink fearfully, do they not?
One afternoon we blew a thmppence
each and were ferried across the bay to
Hamilton. We were thinking about go
ing home.
"Where Is the ticket office?" I asked
a citizen with whom we had become ac
quainted.
Ticket office? Tick” he paused.
"Really, I doubt if we have one here on
the island”
"But, good land.” expostulated Mrs.
Allen, "how can we get passage home?”
”Ah, I can take you to the booking
office." our friend exclaimed. "It Is”
Just then he led us Into a ticket office.
Of course, the sign on the window waa
“General Booklng-Offlch,” but as I saw many cases filled with
tickets I knew I was right.
"I want tickets to New York,’’ I told the pleasant chap
with a red Ink pen behind one ear and a black luk pen be-
fclnd the other.
"Tickets—ah, yes, you wish to book passage?”
"Book, pamphlet, folder or leaflet-—It’s all the same to
me, providing I have a ticket to prevent the purser from
stopping the ship three hundred miles from shore and mak
ing me get out and walk”
“Oh, he wouldn’t be allowed to do that, sir,” expostulated
the young man. This gave me an idea.
"Very well, book me two fair weather passages to New
York.”
"Fair—eh, what?”
"Two fair weather passages all the way, a dead calm
with rippling wavelets and turquoise skies—you know the
kind."
"But, my dear sir, you don't understand The company Is
not liable for the weather. Really, sir, you book your pass
age on a certain date, and If It should storm that date why,
you see. It Is not the fault of the company.”
“I’ll take a couple, but your company Is not very accom
modating." I told him. “In New York every ticket agent
would guarantee fair weather, and If the weather wasn't
fair he'd let you buy another ticket.”
Tl\e young man got down some long blankB, mattering "My
word*' several times.
"Your name?”
I told him It -was Allen. Then he asked Mrs. Allen her name.
Then he assigned us to a good stateroom; then he said
to Mrs. Allen, "Are you hts wife?”
She whispered something to him.
"Madam, what were you whispering to him?” I demanded.
"You didn’t suppose I was going to admit you were my
husband In public, did you?” she snapped.
“How old are you?” The booking man addressed me.
I readily told him my right age.
“How old are you?" he asked Mrs. Allen.
She gave him an age.
* \
Jim Hussey and Jack Boyle
'The New Showfer”
OoPITrttflJt. 1*14, b, »ur CaupAC}
All Right® Reterv*d by Huisey A Boyle.
T ACK—Look here; what’s the matter with you
and your shine taxi? I told you I wanted to
J go to One Hundred and Tenth street. Why
are you stopping here?
JIM—Can’t help It, mister. My car doesn't go
that far. Best I can do Is to let you out twice at
Fifty-fifth street. What’s the difference?
JACK—And another thing: I don’t want you
turning around to see what's going on Inside the
cab. You’re supposed to look straight ahead and
avoid oollistons.
JIM—That's why I looked at you. You were hav
ing a collision with that girl In my cab. I'm a chap
eron showfer, I am.
JACK—I had a perfect right to kiss that lady.
She's my aunt.,
JIM—Makes no never mind. I don’t like It.
Relatives don't luff each other. Don't tell me.
JACK—Why. my dear boy, do you mean to say
you never kiss your aunt?
JIM—-No. It’s a mean trick to play on your
uncle.
JACK—That may all be, but still you nearly
killed all of us. You drove that car every place
but on the street. / Up and down the sidewalks,
billboards, telegraph poles, fences—and you pretty
near killed an old man who was picking flowers in
the park.
JIM—Don’t worry about him. I’ll get him com
ing back.
JACK—Start your oar now. I .must hurry to the
theatre. Take me around to the side door.
JIM—Oh, I know. Where they buy the quarter
seats.
JACK—No, no. I mean the stage door, on the
side street.
JIM—I know. I know what you are now. I re
member that lady called you one in the cab.
JACK—Well-a-huh—and what did she call me? ,
JIM—A bad actor.
JACK—-That's another matter altogether. Please
hurry, now. I should be in my hunter's costume
b> this UUttt
for—trouble, huh? ]
Britain Right. Kawi-rad
JIM—What do you hunt
You're the villain.
JACK—Not at all. I'm the hunter In our great
hunting scene. I follow the hounds.
JIM—Oh, you're a dog oatcher.
JACK—You don’t understand. A hunter who
chases the hare. Don’t you know what a hare la?
JIM—A piece of whiskers.
JACK—No, no. A hare Is a living thing.
JIM—I know. If your father dies and leaves you
his money, you’re a heir.
JACK—Ill have to take a different subject. It's
this way. The dogs chase the fot, and they can tell
he’s there before they see him.
JIM—How? Are these dogs fortune tellers?
JACK—They can tell the fox as soon as they find
his scent.
JIM—I never knew a fox had any money.
JACK—Listen. What do you do most of the time
with your nose?
JIM—Keep It ont of other people's business.
JACK—Here’s one last attempt at explanation.
When you went out to the stockyards the other
day, what was the first thing you did?
JIM—-Took the next car back.
JACK I'm through. Give me a cigarette.
JIM-—They're bad for you. 1 refuse.
JACK Bod? Why my father has smoked them
all his life, and he's over eighty years old.
JJM—They'll get him in time.
JACK And father Is still a wonderful athlete.
He has medals for running and jumping.
JIM—My. father has a medal for running, a cup
for swimming, a gold watch for rowing, a diamond
ring for boxing
JACK—Say, your father must be a marvelous
athlete.
JIM—He runs a hockshop.
JACK—I don’t believe you know much about run
ning a car, after all. Now. when you see a showfer
put his arm out from the side of the machine, what
do«s that mean?
,liM—It Uxaaoie lie wtuitk lu aee ii its raining.
A Few
New Ones
CopTrtfht. 1#14. by th* *t»r CMhtp®ny.
Great Britain Bight* h**errfd
Dolly’s Guilty Conscience.
«ynr ought to have seen Mr.
Marshall when he called upon
Dolly the other night,” remarked
Johnny to his sister’s young man.
who was taking tea with the fam
ily. "I tell you he looked line, sit
ting there alongside of her with his
arm"
"Johnny!” gasped hts sister, her
fare the color of a boiled lobster.
“Well, so he did,” persisted
Johnny. "He had hts arm"
"John!” screamed hts mother,
frantically.
"Why," whined the boy, "I
was’ 1
“John,” said hts father, sternly,
“leave the room!”
And Johnny left, crying as ha
went:— (
"I wa« only going to nay that he
bad his army clothes on,"
Classic. i
«gAY, Hiram, what do they mean
by a Stradevar'us?”
"Oh, a Stradevar'ug Is the Latin
name for a fiddle."
Got It Twisted.
METHODIST bishop In the
Northwest tells of a conversa
tion he 0Dce”had with a Wyoming
man touching certain difficulties of
the latter’s religious tenets.
"Bishop,” said this naive West
erner, “I do not refuse to believe
the story of the ark. I can accept
the ark’s great size. Its odd shape,
and the vast number of animals It
contained; but w-heu I am asked to
believe that the children of Israel
carried this unwieldly thing for
forty years In the wilderness, I
must confess that my faith breaka
down.”
Immaterial.
PJOW is your little boy doing at
Rchool?” "He get* a good
mark in the toothbrush drill and
stands first in the breathing class,
but he doesn’t seem able to learn
arithmetic."
But He Didn’t. v
IOHHNY—Maw, I haven't gof
** enough butter for my bread.
Mother- Well, then, put soui* ot
the bread back.
No Handicap.
POND Mother (proudly)—An’ do
* ye no think he looks like 1»
father?
Sympathetic Neighbor (cheerful
ly)—An' nlver ye mind thot, Mrs.
McCarty, so long as 'e's 'ealthy.
Poor Target.
«|T'S curious how thin all you
guides are,” said the hunts
man,
"Yes,” replied the patient native.
"Seems like a provision of Provi. *
dence. A thin roan isn’t so likely
to be hit by a stray bullet.”
Yer Gotta Do It.
wmHAT on eaj-th le Eliza fret.
'* ting so about?”
"About the paper she has to read
before the Don't Worry Club."
Friend at Court.
If IS A V E you said your prayers? 1 ?
** asked the mother.
"Of course," replied the child.
“And did you ask to be made to
better little girl?"
“Yes. And I put tn a word for
you and father, too.”
Might as Well.
«W HY don’t you move Into more
comfortable quarters, old
man?”
"I can't even pay the rent on th'g
miserable hole.”
"Well,-since you don’t pay rent*
why not get something better?"
Sympathy,
«MADAM,” sald P'oddlug Pet.*
"1 once had a wife and fg.au
il.v, but I couldn’t be contented, sq
I left home.”
"Well, here’s a chicken sandwlclj
for you. Mighty few husbands arq
so considerate.
Non-Perishable.
IW KS YOUNGWEDD (proudly)-.
This is my first pie.
Youngwedd - Er-don’t y 0 „
think, love, it Would be nicer to
keep it than to eat It? * ”
The Sweet Thing.
PAIR VISITOR—Oh, don’t troubl#
to see me to the door.
Hostess No trouble at all, dear
it's a pleasure. f