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Gettind Wire — - By Owen Johnson
:W'
■
HEN Montague Skinner, son of a cap
italist, and capitalist himself, found
by successive disullualonlzing exper
iments that the school was neither Impressed
by his own worldly personality or ready for
the launching of genteel sporting practises, he
fell Into a period of abysmal depression that
was the more overwhelming In that he could
see no guiding streak of light In the complete
ness of his darkness.
He had failed to Impress There was no
doubt on that score. And as his moral edu
cation, by sharp processes, began to be ac
complished. he himself began, curiously enough,
to lose the zeet. for the ways and distinction
of completed manhood and to long wistfully,
unbeknownst to his comrades, for the simple
| frolics of a mere boy.
The trouble was that he was always an otrt-
t slder. He perceived it despairingly! as he per
1 ceived the vital truth that a night feast on
. indigestible tinned food and dyspeptic root beer
> was still a banquet and a banquet that needed
| no more fortunate patron.
' • When Turkey Reiter had Indiscreetly Inform
ed him that his fatal drawback was the reputa
tion for billions, he spoke the truth, and he
might have added that every billionaire In
such an assemblage 1s held to he Impossible,
dudifled and deserving of hard labor until he
-straw removed the buften of suspicion.
I Now the Uncooked Beefsteak could not com
prehend this truth—he debated It, he medi
tated long thereupon in solitary tramps, he
tried to comprehend ft; hut the traditions of
his first sixteen years were too strong. It
could not bo so. It could not be that a gen-
1 erons open purse, a purse waiting to be called
upon for the multifarious enjoyments of those
ihe chose to signal out as his friends, could be
a handicap. His theory could not bo wrong,
; the blunder must have lain In Indiscreet appli-
I ''ration. Some wav there must ho to win popu
larity and stop the humiliating and menial
(services to which he was dally condemned by
his paternally solicitous housemates. For, un
able to perceive the larger good, the Beef-
isteak could see no useful purpose to be served
In this course In primitive tailoring, complete
housework and general bootblacking.
At. times the House relented, hoping that
fhe lesson had been learned. Unfortunately,
Skinner could not seise the subtle class dis
tinctions which forbade him, a mere bag of
money, a noncombatant, what was permitted
to the nobility of the muscle and brain.
Of a consequence, no sooner was the ban
lifted than he became familiar Instead of hum
ble. boastful Instead of inquiring, pushing In
stead of thankfully receptive, and given to
using nicknames which were reserved for
those who had progressed to the second degree
Upon which the House would convene and agree
that the Beefsteak was still unfit for human In-
Z course and assign him back to the boots
1 the clothes brush.
Now, In about the tenth period of this re-
s current discipline, the Beefsteak had suddenly
a brilliant Idea. The Easter recess was ap
proachlng, he would Invite Macnooder to spend
•Tie week with him at his father's hotel, and
!,i> dazzling him with iU splendor and magnlfl-
Jnenee awake him to a proper sense of the
(Skinner Importance.
t The result steadied film In his wavering
jbellef In the theory of the supremacy of eap-
flial. Not only was there an Instant somersault
, on Maenooder's part, a change accomplished
between the blacking of one boot and the with-
Hdrawal of the other, hut the effect In the
House was electrical.
| fit Half an hour after Macnooder had received
Ihe Invitation the Triumphant Egghead smll-
bov, not studying, are
Beefsteak, chuckling
•v
I
tngly appenred In the Beefsteak room with a
genial manner.
"Hello, Mojjte. old
you?"
“Come In,” said the
Inwardly.
_,, "What a perfectly corking room, a peacher-
g'.no!" said the Effghnad, surveying for the first
time the walls decorated with photographs of
*>rtain theatrical ladles who adorned but did
wh't elevate the stage, and chromos of national
] 0 „uisers In boxing tights.
"You like It?” said Skinner carelessly.
bor“And geet T.ook at the Dottle-Dimple Toee’
ther v ’ you don’t know all these fairies, do you?"
, ,'I’H put you next to any of them,” said
supjaner, relapsing Into the past.
•P'Gee, I’d like to meet a real live actress,”
said the Triumphant Egghead, slyly approach
ing his opportunity.
At this moment, the door opened and the
, Waladoo Bird came hastily In, The Triumphant
Egghead shot him a furious glance which was
returned by one of suspicion and envy.
Then the Waladoo Bird, giant of the foot-
t ball eleven, sat down and, smiling on Skinner,
said with directness:
“Say, Monte, I’ve got to get a couple of
suits bitten out for me In New York. Yon
know the whole dressing game from A to Z.
Give me a couple of pointers on what’s the
real thing. Look over my style of beauty and
put mo on. And say, what’s the best hotel
to stop at?”
The Waladoo Bird understood but one method
of attack and that wss a mass through the
centre of the line. But at this moment the
door swung the third time and the Tennessee
Shad entered, slightly out of breath, with a
glance at the two visitors that sought to seize
on (he Instant If he had been forestalled. Close
on his heels came Dennis de Brian de Boru
Finnegan, who beat to the threshold the Gut
ter Pup and IjOvely Mead
That night the Uncooked Beefsteak, who had
been watched since luncheon by those who were
most concerned In watching one another, went
off to sleep more thoroughly happy than he
had been in months. He had played the trump
card and the stakes were his. No more would
he lighten the burdens of Klondike, the Ethlq-
pian, no more would he bend in servile pos^
tures over the oofing, muddy boots of strip
lings in knickerbockers, no more woqjd he
listen in Isolated darkness to the whispered
merriment of distant feasts; he would select
with a ruthless and distinguishing finger his
guests among the elite of his comrades; there
could be a week of princely entertainment
and then he would return, one of the chosen,
a member of the creme de la creme.
II.
About three o'clock in the afternoon of the
opening of the Easter vacation there debarked
st the Cortlandt street terminal of the Penn
sylvania Railroad a party of five in close march
ing order, consisting of Macnooder and Dennis
de Brian de Boru Finnegan In advance, the
Waladoo Bird and the Tennessee Shad sup
porting the centre and the Triumphant Egg
head guarding the rear.
“Halt!" said Macnooder.
What for?”
"We must consult. How shall we approach
the Regal Hotel? On foot, in a swiftly moving
troiley, or drawn by prancing horses?"
Hire a hack, of course," said the Trium
phant Egghead, who represented society. "You
can’t enter a hotel on foot."
“Why not?" said Finnegan.
"it isn’t done.”
“Rats, I’m for hoofing It. Show me the
sights of Broadway and all that sort of thing.”
"You’re a hayseed and a jayhawker," said
the Triumphant Egghead
"Don't let’s quarrel yet," said the Tennessee
8had, soothingly. ’Tve only got sixty cents
and 1 vote for the Elevated.”
”1 think a barouche Is an unnecessary ex
pense,” said Macnooder, who calculated on the
Triumphant Egghead’s buying the carriage.
At this moment the Waladoo Bird was dis
covered filling his pockets with peanuts.
’’Merciful heavens!” exclaimed the Egghead
In horror. “You Ignoramus, what are you
doing?”
"Eating peanuts," said the Waladoo Bird,
suiting the action to the word.
■Are you going through New York scatter
ing shells like an Italian ?’
”1 am,” said the Waladoo Bird, who had
the Western contempt for the abode of the
nneonvicted rich.
”1 won’t be seen with you
"If he Is determined," said Macnooder, med
itatively, "he had better work If off, Bet’s
walk.”
The Triumphant Egg
head Immediately en
gaged a coach and hid
himself In the company
of the Tennessee Shad,
whose exertions were
always mental.
The Waladoo Bird,
fl I n g 1 ng out peanut
shells with the regu
larity of a thrashing
machine, strode defi
antly, flanked by Den
nis, who stopped from
corner to corner to buy
an extra, and Mac
nooder, who showed a
lively Interest In the
new attractions in the
shop windows.
A matter of a block
behind, at a patient
walk, came the hired
coach from the re
cesses of which the
Triumphant Egghead
gazed upon the of
fenders with wrath and
disgust.
“I wonder what he
thinks this Regal Hotel
Is?" he said furiously.
"An actors' boarding
house?"
"I know for a fact,”
said the Tennessee
Shad to soothe and
uni fort him, “that the
Waladoo Bird has only
1 ii dollars and thirty
cents ”
"Awful funny, ha!
ha!” said the Egghead,
who was In no mood
for humor.
"He must get filled
up sometime.”
"If he don't, it'B all
off. Do you think I’m
going lo march into the
foyer of the classiest
thing In New York
with an elephant ten
feet high cracking per
mits ?”
“How far Is It up
town?”
“Five or six miles.”
“He ought to get
away with an awful lot
of nuts by then,” said
the Shad, who began
to share his anxiety.
"So this hotel is rather
Bossy?”
“The flossiest.”
“UotB of gilt and rod
plush and all that Bort
of thing.”
"Sure.”
"What’s the food
like?”
“The cuisine,” said
the Egghead, elegantly,
“Is the most fashionable
In the city.”
"But the ReefBteak
sets up for the grub?”
"Yes, you chump.”
“Everything we got
away with?”
“Sure.”
"Perhaps If the Wala
doo Bird knew that he would ease up.”
The announcement. In fact, produced a decided
sensation. The Waladoo Bird finished the last
handful outside the carriage at the peremptory
challenge of the Egghead and then jarred the
carriage springs while Finnegan made the com
mon demand for a show of speed.
When Montague Skinner, moving restlessly
In the anteroom of the Regal Hotel, beheld
the arrival of the overloaded coach, he was quite
touched by the cordiality of the greeting he
received.
“Leave It. to me." he said, intervening be
tween the reluctant purse of the Triumphant
Egghead and the grinning coachman. Then
with an ease that made the Waladoo Bird stif
fen up and take notice, he summoned a foot
man ami said! ’’Charles, see what the fare la
and have the office attend to It,”
“Here, l say!" began the Egghead with not
too much resistance.
“Oh! Now, Monte, this Is ours!" said Mac
nooder more emphatically as he perceived the
absence of danger.
“No,” said the Beefsteak finally, hut with
the lightness that such a triviality merited.
"From now on you are my guests."
The Tennessee Shad, who had sixty cents,
exchanged a glance of delirious joy with the
Waladoo Bird, who had a two-dollar bill, and,
being thrown together in their voyage toward
the elevator, whispered;
’’it looks good to me.”
“It certainly does.”
"No expenses.”
"None at all." ,
At this moment the Waladoo Bird was over-
whelmed by a fearful thought
“I say, he’s got the bags."
"Who's got them?"
"The Buttons"
"Well, what of it?"
"We'll have to tip him.”
“Well, tip him!"
"I've only got'a two-dollar bill and a nickel,”
said the Waladoo Bird in a worried whisper.
The Tennessee Shad nervously shifted Ms
sixty cents to an inner recess, maliciously en
joying the confusion of the giant, who was
wondering uneasily whether the elevator man
would expect to be recompensed.
Macnooder, Finnegan and the Triumphant
Egghead were escorted to their quarters by
Skinner after leaving the Waladoo Bird and
the Tennessee Shad in the adjoining room as
signed them.
The Buttons, having deposited the bags, was
languidly busy straightening the window cur
tains and shifting the chairs with that per
fect expectant manner that Is instinctive with
those whose fortunate mission in life is to be
tipped.
’’What'n f give him?” said the Waladoo Bird
In a muffled roar.
"How do I know?”
”1 can give him a nickel."
"Never!’’
"I eay, lend me half a dollar."
"Can’t, Maenooder's got my purse.”
The Waladoo Bird, who had faced the Prince
ton ’varsity without a tremor, qualleq tietore
the spruce representative of bell boys. For a
moment Ills fingers hesitated .over the ple
beian nickel, and then, blushing with combined
rago and embarrassment, he blurted out: “Here
—take this.”
Shad, aggrieved. “Do I look tike a tug-of-
war team?” -
"This Is awful,” said the Triumphant Egg
head, wiping his forehead.
The door opened and the Waladoo Bird
plumped in.
"Did you get him?” said the five In chorus.
"Get him?” said the Waladoo Bird In a rage.
"Why, there are one hundred and fifty bell
hops below, all hopping around, and every
mother's son of them looks alike! Say, what
color hair did that pirate of ours have?"
The Tennessee Shad promptly forgot.
"Look here, boy!” said the Triumphant Egg
head? "This will never do. You’ll queer the
whole bunch.''
“I gave him two dollars," said the Waladoo
Bird sitting down with a crash that brought
a groan from the light furniture.
“And don't go making a woodpile of every
thing you sit on!”
“What’s wrong?”
"You. You're wrong. You’re not fit to come
Into the parlor. A nice time we’ll have with
you! Didn’t you ever see a hotel before?”
"Are you speaking to me?” said the Waladoo
Bird rising.
When the altercation had subsided another
serious question arose.
“Where’ll we dine?" said Finnegan, who had
■And stretch your arms and yawn In a high
bred, classy sort of way.”
"You chump,” said the Triumphant Egghead.
"Where have you been brought up?”
“The last suggestion Is withdrawn," said
Finnegan modestly.
“Now we’re ail agreed,” said Macnooder, with
an expandlngxpmlle, “Our object is to take the
wind right out of the Beefsteak's sails—to show
him what! Nothing but short sprints to-night,
all long-distance records postponed until to
morrow.”
“All right!’’ said the majority, minus one.
in.
The dinner passed without any exhibition of
Gargantuan powers on the part of the Waladoo
Bird, but this was due to no surrender to social
prejudices but to the fact that, placed as he
was to command a view of the foyer, his whole
attention was concentrated on the perplexing
passage of flitting bellboys.
The Uncooked Beefsteak was slightly dis
appointed by the reticence of his guests, but
this sentiment was soon lost in the blissful
enjoyment of his new social footing. Nothing,
In fact, could have been more delightfully inti
mate than their bearing toward him. He was
not simply a patron, he was one of them.
He took them to the theatre, In a box, to a
vaudeville performance over which a year ago
The Waladoo Bird, who had faced the Princeton Varsity without a tremor, quailed before t&s army of spruce bell boys.”
And he thrust upon him the two-dollar bill!
The Tennessee Shad, who had the pfofound-
est respect for capital, was furious,
“You jackass; what did you do that for?”
“I had to give him something, didn’t I?”
"Yes, hut, Holy Cats, you can BUY a bell
boy for two dollars!"
"Well, wliat was I to do?” said the Wala
doo Bird, who, clutching his last nickel, began
to feel the despairing loneliness of one who is
stranded In the great city.
“Do, you blockhead? Ask him to get you
some change."
"Ask him” said the Waladoo Bird In
stupid amazement. "Well, why in thunder didn't
you tell me?”
“Humph! Thought you’d been weaned from
the bottle," said the Tennessee Shad, who now
felt a sense of personal loss.
“Well, by gravy, I’ll do It now," said the
Waladoo Bird, bolting into his coat.
"hold up! What are you going to do?”
’’I'm going to track that young highwayman
down and shake it out of him!"
"Hold up! You can’t do that.”
"Can’t I? Just watch me!”
“Hold up! You'll make a social blunder!"
. "Beans!"
When the Triumphant Egghead with Mac
nooder and Finnegan entered the room ’hey
found the Tennessee Shad in an attitude of
deep dejection with one ear trained for the
outburst of an expected cyclone.
“What in blazes Is the matter?' said Mac
nooder. “And where Is the Waladoo Bird?”
The Tennessee Shad explained.
■ “My aunt cat s pants, that Is awful!" said
the Triumphant Egghead with a shiver.
"Wriggling snakes, what do you suppose he's
doing?”
“He'll smash the crockery!’
“Had we better tell the Beefsteak?”
"Never!"
“Why the deuce didn't you look after ljjm?”
"What do you expect?” said the Tennessee
been coached. "Supposin’ we grub with th’
Beefsteak -private dining room, special dishes
and all that sort of thing."
"I vote for downstairs,’’ said the Waladoo
Bird, w ho had been put in a contrary humor.
“Why?”
t want to get a chance at a real bang-up
menu.”
"And I vote to put this guy in seclusion!” '
The Waladoo Bird gave the Egghead an evil
look and was about to reply when Macnooder
suavely arose.
“The Waladoo Bird is quite right,, we will
dine in public ”
"Every one will be dressed to kill.”
“Then we shall be taken for Western mil
lionaires. But—I say, but—we are going to
pull off this thing in classy style.”
“No social blunders,” said the Tennessee
Shad.
"And no trying to split the menu." said the
Triumphant Egghead.
“We will pick out the daintiest dishes.”
said Macnooder. trying the power of sugges
tion on the- Waladoo Bird, “the recherche, ex
pensive dishes, and we will take little careless
dabs at them.”
"Fine!” said the others with the unique ex
ception of the Waladoo Bird.
“To-morrow we’ll rip the stuffing out of the
bill of fare, we'll mangle It, we’ll blow holes In
It, tear it up the back and drive it to its cor
ner!”
"To-morrow!”’
“To-morrow. But to-night we’ll go down In
a bored sort of way. We'll put up an awful
bluff, tired of caviar ami nightingales’ tongues
and all that sort of thing. We've got to keep
the Beefsteak in his place—remember that!
Show him we re old birds.”
"Righto,” said every one. That is’ every one
except the Waladoo Bird.
"Just take a nibble here and there and then
push the plate away,” said Finnegan, wishing
to be helpful.
"Righto!”
he woul<l have yawned himself weary. To his
amazement he found himself caught up in the
general hilarity, wildly applauding slapstick
comedians that caused Dennis de Brian de
Boru to weep for joy. He applauded! He had
never done such a thing before. He actually
stamped his feet and rattled his cane, de-
♦ manding renewed encores. And when the
show was over and the Tennessee Shad pro
posed that instead of dividing into two cabs
henceforth wherever they went they should
all crowd into one and send an empty cab
before them as a sort of guard of honor, he
gleefully embraced the Idea and balanced on
the bony ridges of the Tennessee Shad, waving
his hat to the crowds of Broadway with the
zest of restored youth.
When, late at night, after the Waladoo
Bird had consumed a terrifying number of
oysters and Finnegan had eaten three Welsh
rabbits, Skinner had seen his. guests to their
rooms, he returned gorgeously to his private
suite. *
Bucks, the confidential valet, was in wait.
"How do, Bucks? How are you?” he said,
languidly.
“Thank you. sir. It’s good to see you back,
sir.”
"The old boarding house Is still doing a fat
young business?" said Skinner, surrendering
his coat and falling into the vernacular of the
admired Turkey Reiter.
“I beg pardon, sir! Oh! Yes. sir,” said Bucks,
momentarily mystefled. "I hope you enjoy the
school, sir?'
“It Is wonderful, Bucks, wonderful. Glorious
times! Glorious fellows!” *
“That Mr. Walader, sir, Certainly is some
thing of a man.” said Bucks with great re
spect
"He could wipe the groupd up with any cop
in New York." said Skinner stoutly. ’’And a’
that you ought to see P. Lentz. He weighs
two hundred and sixty.”
Here the telephone began to buzz angrily.
"Hello,” said Skinner, going to it.
“Hello. Is that you, Monte, old boy?” said
the excited voloe of the Tennessee Shad.
“Yes, here I am.”
“Say, look here, the Waladoo Bird has gone
clean through his bed!”
’’What?’*
"Punctured a hole clean through It! Say, fix •
him up, will you? He's In mine now!"
“All right," Bald Skinner, who, turning from
the telephone, announced with pride: "What
do you think of that? He’s smashed the bed,
Bucks—couldn’t hold him! See to it, will you?"
"Yes, sir,”
"Get something very solid."
"Yes, sir.”
“One of those things they rig up for cattle
kings?”
"Certainly, sir.”
When the noiseless valet had slipped away
Skinner stood a moment In contemplation of
the glorious feat.
"By George!” he exclaimed. “Won’t old
King Lentz be wild when he hears of it? He’s
only smashed a football. The Waladoo Bird
Is a wonder. By George, I never had a better
time In my life! Gee, what a difference, though,
it makes when you once get in!”
Then he sat down very seriously on the
edge of his fragrant bed, staring at the toes
that peeped forth from the gorgdbus lavender
silk pajamas.
"By George!” he said suddenly with a great
moral resolve. “I know what I'll do. I’ll hire
a tutor, I will; I’ll slave all Summer. But I’ll
get to college with that bunch or I’ll Injure my
health!”
When the stage had lumbered away after
depositing the last returned convict, the in
mates of the Dickinson House, exhausted and
sleepless after that Easter period which the
curriculum still persists In ascribing to rest
and recuperation, foregathered once more on
the steps and the young green banks in lively
discussion.
The Uncooked Beefsteak from his room di
rectly above looked down with satisfaction,
pausing in the process of arranging three new
resplendent vests. It had been a never-to-be-
forgotten week. His hospitality had gone be
yond the limits where even a prince might hes
itate. If there was a dish on the Hotel Regal
public menu that Finnegan, MacNooder and
the Waladoo Bird had not contended with it
was solely because the season outlawed It.
They had neglected not a single theatre, riding
to and fro always with an empty cab ahead as
an outrider.
The Beefsteak, fondly secure of the affections
of his late guests, brazenly deployed an array
of theatric neckwear where It would most daz
zle and astound.
Of course he had that admiration for the
Waladoo Bird that d’Artagnan entertained for
Porthos; Dennis de Brian de Boru fascinated
him. and the Tennessee Shad moved him to
envy with the dark and devious strategy of
his mind. But, after all, It was Macnooder,
the financier, and the Triumphant Egghead, the
representative of society, who really stirred hts
hearstrings, and they should be his special
cronies, singled out from the multitude.
He finished the task of sorting his marvel
lous wardrobe and yildtng to an impulse, bold
ly arrayed himself In his latest tailored cre
ation, a noticeable concoction In large brown
and green squares. He surveyed with genteel
pride the thin perfect line of the red silk neck
tie, passing his hand jjyer the speckled vest
with large white buttons. He liked to dress
well, in perfect, taste, yet with distinction, and
now at last he dared gratify this taste.
Secure as a Braddock in his complacent con
fidence. he went down the steps and burst In
-full vision upon the group.
“Well, old gazebos,” said the Beefsteak,
throwing back the sides of his coat, peacock
fashion, “how do you like the spring styles?”
Turkey Reiter looked at Doc Macnooder and
sadly shook his head, while in the group an
ominous silence began to spread.
The Uncooked Beefsteak, all unawares, saun
tered down to a position beside the Triumphant
Egghead and clapped him on the shoulder,
"Egghead, old sporting life, tell the multi
tude about the classy food I corralled for you,”
Then spoke Turkey Reiter, the czar, sol
emnly:
"Beefsteak, there is a pair of old muddy
boots, standing right in front of my washstand.
The mud is rather hard and doesn't improve
the boots a bit. Better go up now—quietly—
and see what you can do with them.”
"What!” said the Beefsteak, every hair of
his head starting up with horror.
“Take great care of them,” said Turkey
Reiter softly. “They are my favorite boots.”
“You don’t mean it!” said the Beefsteak,
turning desperately to Macnooder. "Not again!”
"It’s for your own good, you blasted million
aire,” said Macnooder sadly. "It hurts us
more than It does you.”
A great lump rose In the Beefsteak’s throat.
He turned wildly to the Triumphant Egghead.
“Yes, Macnooder is right,” said this last
hope. “We’re really doing you good. So,
Beefsteak, when you finish the boots up nice
ly, come down on your tiptoes and brush up a
few of my things. My clothes have been kept
in such rattling good order lately that I should
hate”
But the Beefsteak, zigzagging In his walk,
had wabbled up the steps. He went to his
room and sat down, steadying his head In his
hands. And there at last the full light broke
over him.
That evening as the House was gathered
for supper Butcher Stevens suddenly exclaimed:
“For the love of Mike, look at the Uncooked
Beefsteak! ”
Around the corner came Skinner, clad In an
ill-fitting pair of ink-stained corduroy trousers,
a jersey in place of the loud vest, and a slouch
hat over his eye.
“Merciful heavens!” said the Triumphant
Egghead with a shock. "Beefsteak, -where did
you get that rig?”
"I traded it.” said the Uncooked Beefsteak
firmly. “Got it for my last S>85 tailor suit.”
"Dear boy, what does this mean?” said Mac
nooder with a horrible misgiving.
"Read that!” said the Beefsteak, thrusting a
paper on Turkey Reiter. •
"What is it?”
“It’s a telegram I’ve Just sent home. Go on,
read it!”
And Turkey Reiter read:
JOSHUA M. SKINNER.
The Regal Hotel,
New York City.
Cut my allowance to a dollar a week
MONTAGUE.
"Explain!” said Butcher Stevens, dazed.
“I will,” said the Beefsteak militantly, "It
means I am on, I'm wise. It means you've
educated me, and I know my lesson. From
now on the bank is suspended. I'll start even.
And remember this: I may still be a Beefsteak,
but there’s nothing uncooked about me—I'm
done to a crisp!”
* . *
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