Newspaper Page Text
O O &AN 328
: "h‘ - . e
\ “ql u;z-? ’HA' Nw’ ‘ | ,r"& a ¥ on
'': # —i7 Qa : !y X ww*’ : "“, *"1:‘ ' .
:'zl %) & y 4 L‘ St ~ 4 q! ': -—-"'fl i - -
B ...QQ- 8 fi*‘: --'f’i::;r:fi:;ej. » B[S‘[‘ HUMOR M Tk B 'fi
: ie - \NA4AN AK ko '.H‘ . !
Sallaid gt 1 cppmn . MOVING i\ i 3 1
o e Stagh’ PICTURES, V Ney SIS 1
g s ) “VAUDEVILLE. [Nk | Adl
o 3 190! :' S\ B LT ' i
B fi: OTEEECN. W I‘Ef R s‘»";?fi,‘ {
Al g s UNDAY S AMERIC el ton 54 el
= ‘8 " . - J | RS PR . oy oy 4 1 '_ L :! -
. 7 \‘-‘- 11-,-..>,-" ‘e ‘~s l,' - ] - D C "\'”!“/‘ MmICAN ”l ‘( ’R¥ .~ ’}‘ "'p ‘ LJ, 4.‘.’ k‘ £ 3%“(‘ /
C e ————— ; L‘ii;‘“MT '»w-",»m"":“d >'l. "-\f;;‘- 3 ‘r_‘! _’r - -l‘vE‘~:" :A A‘ ';fl“j “.,.q.'.l / i
b ATLANTA. GA. Sl \“‘\\ i, \“.:, ;» ‘." v-' N ”v' i‘: .7,
e p——— e ") -
A Picture Story With Just One Word
S~ "
' ) F \ ;
| -, / g b . v s
I 2 ' / | [ g X\ 2 %
A il WY TR
a 0 [ ARNTr, | AR Gl
/47 Y P W k "’v . s/AA R\ * ‘7'/ /:g8 N\ o 'V’!“ ‘ 4“(
7L A \:\ o EERNG \ Y . %’fi \7s‘ d [T | oY
1,:\,.v .q( ” - \ g{;‘. ‘ ‘:}?% ",. /' fl [ -‘ ’; . — . — Foh A i oid o: -
| PR 7 ..‘ — b ¥ :"%"*“‘ Y Arg -.' ekt Wse “«i‘ \*M.i_ rfi:; ; _,‘,,f‘:..,
. ;aLA e, Fytad b i .’flfik,j.,n gT» B i depadd L; b “,f" ey S
| .. ‘ g. L keM e 4 8 PN R 4 **,"v' ».;::’ ’ % ¥ B. & : oy
e e O
S LS e — .
7 R
K | & fi%\ i iaS N\
LN " 4 v & o - K \\‘\\\ Ji:} fi‘} . . ‘*.‘ \ .
b 0‘ ~ _‘. t é\&\\\\\ \ \’\ s A ‘;?‘ /§
),-, b /}* .7 {\ B\ TW\ \ / /4" k S
| i PO ~( 2 R . % ,’3l » /
TN -T \® o \) A A e - ~
. AATR ; \ -“‘{'{\u} f/—:’ / ."/ik\ X LA »’,"{ ':‘?’)’;’\de — e \ \\\*@ eg | &'T:,
\ : FOVRSNRH (O« D f Tits E ‘ \——\\ Ra 7 N ) 1),
\ S ck*’ [ /" )// '\N | fl g vy N
e okl 0 i Wl R 4 £/ s "y N\
R s u-————‘z jf”'/ /{7/;/ wiX ‘-,/7/, Pga ///// A//‘/, 41 ‘{' ,_l,/f)" ;{7‘: ;”,
B 7 | : 2. Ml .(I ot iM,|< eWK e
' . ZAIM Zons U b - \_._‘F){\‘{ == L A /7 Xpe: -7 »
o : g ””3@3 D | camel, SNRas D Ll oV i
\
Where Safety Laj.
E\‘lf.\' the war has its bright side. Two negro porters were discussing it
as they waited for a train to pull into the station
“Nian,” said the first, “dem (Germany submaroons is sho'ly gwine to
sink de British Navy. Yas, sir-ee, dey’s sho'ly gwine to 'splode dem naval
Hoats dat's waitin’ out yonda.”
“Sho!” said porter No. 2. "An' what's gwine ter happen den?”
“Why, dem Germany submaroons’ll come right on ‘eross de ocean an’
splode de rest ob de naval boats ob de world. Dat's what'il happen den,
Sambo!”
“Wall, looky heah, Gawge. Ain’t you an’ me better decla’ ouahselves
nootral?"”
‘Man,” sald Gawge, “yo' all kin be a nootrality if yo' wants to. Abh'm
a German!”
.
CEm—— ~ ‘ ',’ -
They May, at That.
F()(;ARTY——X'II bet ve th’ Rooshians are beginnin’ t' feel th’ loss iv
vodka.
Flaherty—Don’t ye lose any slape over it. Mar-rk me wur-ruds, they’ll
retake it agin before long!
Caution.
LADY (purchasing alarm clock)—Never mind, thank you. I won't take
one if they are ‘made in Germany. It would be sure to play some
trick. Go off in the middle of the night, or something of that sort.
(Copyright, 1915, by The Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved
JW does a popular song get to be a hit on Broadway, and on the
H phonograph, "and the pianola, in the music halls, dance halls,
between the acts, and finally rampant in every town from Mat
ceawan to Honolulu?
A contagious song hit travels faster than, chicken pox|ln a kinder
earten, and its gripping melody bombards the ears of every American
more persistently than all the talk of the most popular novel of the
year.
Leo Feist’s system of following up his experiments in ragtime is
probably as successful as that of any soné publisher. We were out
scouting around with one of Leo’s right-hand henchmen the other
night—Phil-the-bill Kornheiser by name, but we call him Korny for
brevity—and he showed us the difference between the two main words
in the rag lingo, “‘plugger” as applied to a singer and “crow” as hung
onto a song.
Korny is the main gazooks at Leo’s professional studlo, where a
dozen pianos bang louder all day than German siege guns before
Antwerp.
Well, we started in at Jack’s where we et. They were playing
some of Leo's recent hits. They'd snap out a hunch-hunch rag, then
they'd tease out a heart throb mother song that would make the diners
pause over their soup. .
Then we spun down into East Fourtetnth street, and chased into
With the Pluggers on the Trail of the Ragiime Song
On the Firing Line
Copyright, 19156, by the BStar Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
Arranged With Enemy.
THERE'S a story going the rounds just now that shows how Austria was
deprived of one of her fighting men. .
A visitor to a West End restaurant in London, being waited on by &
particularly tall and fine-looking waiter with a foreign accent, asked the
man his nationality.
“Oh, I'm a Hungarian,” was the reply.
“How comesg it, then, that a big, strong fellow like you is not in the
firing line?” asked the visitor.
“Well, sir, it’s like this,” replied the knight of the napkin, pointing
to a brother waiter a few tables off. “You see that man? Well, he's a
Serb, and we have vat you call ‘palred.’ ”
Then They Clinched.
THE Irish adjutant’s wife was telling Bridget about her husband.
“My husband, Bridget,” she said, proudly, “is at the head of the
Tipperary militia.”
“Oi t'ought as much, ma'am,” said Bridget, cheerfully. “Ain’t he got
th’ foine malicious look?”
Why, Indeed?
SHOPKEEPER——CmdIes are up in price to-day, y° know, Mrs. O'Flyon—
on account of the war.
Mrs. O'Flynn—Ooch! Bad cess w them Germans. Why can't
they be fightin’ be daylight?
a dime theater where movies have the edge on the vodevee acts. A
song writer's carnival was on, and Korny and we were met there by a
gang of Leo’s pluggers and boosters. We all filed “back stage,” as the
profesh refers to the district behind the scenes.
There the pluggers began to talk up their songs to the actors and
actorettes, who were sitting around on various props. Then a pair of
boosters, one a piano trainer and the other & singeree, walked on and
put over “I Didn’t Raise My Boy to Be a Spldier,” “When You Were a
Tulip and I Wore a Big Red Rose” and “I Want to Go to Tokio.”
Old Johnny Nestor sang for Leo, and he harvested several thou
sand yards of applause, Johnny is famous up and down Manhattan.
He usta sing at the Polo Grounds at the opening of the baseball season,
and he'd drown out the band. :
All we can say about Johnny as a songhird is that we don't care
even if Caruso has gone back to Europe. But Johnny has two weak
nesses. One is that he's always afraid the auto is gonna hit a chicken.
It happened to him once, and she's been gore on him ever since. The
other is that he perennially insists upon drinking only one kind of
beer, and cursed be the ginmill that doesn't keep it ,
Where did we go from there? The Palm Garden, somewhere in
the upper East Fiftie, and Al Piantadosi, Wopland's greatest rag
writer since Verdi, lfied out and showed the patrons how to take a
{joke in the form of ohe of Leo’s funny nut songs. One test of a good
Changing Fashions in Hostility.
A ZEALOUS bobby captured a workingmwan and haled him into court
on the charge of being an unregistered German. The man swore he
had a Russian birthcertificate, and produced it. Then said the magistrate
severeiy:
“But why, then, have you for ten years been masquerading as »
German?"
“Because,’ answered the man apologetically, “when 1 came to England
ten vears ago the feeling against Russia was so strong that I was obliged
to pass myself off for a German.”
Why?
JINKS-—-Bm why do the allles use os!mh?
Binks—They Intend to Invade Germany and have W Lave an
animal that can go two weeks without water.
Safe So Far.
COUNT VON BIERNSTORFF, the German Ambaseador, called at the
State Department to-day, but before going to the oftice of Mr. Bryan
left his coat and umbrella in the diplomatic ante-room. On leaving he
started after the things, but saw a man looking out of the window, his
back to the door. The Ambassador hesitated, 5
“Who's in there?’ he asked an attendant.
“The Minister of Santo Domingo,” came the reply
“Oh,” saild the Ambassador, “I can go In. We are not at war wita
Santo Domingo.” 8
song is when people begin to whistle it, and that's what they did. The
Palm Garden is some hangout for canary birds.
We pounded up the cobblestones of Lexington avenue to way pasi
a 4 Hundred and sump'm street. There we found a little theater where
you pay for admission anything up to and including fifteen cents, and
you put your overcoat under the seat, unless you want to keep it on,
Children in arms were allowed in the place, as Tong as they didn’t
roam from the arms they came in on. Paintings of alleged old Greek
myths were allowed on the wallg, but the customers dido’t seem to
mind that. At the gate was a fella In uniform, a twelve neck and a
sixteen collar, and long, sparsely gettled sideburns stretching weyy be
low the ears. He was a good butler for a theater.
Away up Fifth avenue is a new one-layer theater, and we hit that
next. They were packed in like tea in a chest. Johuny had a rough
time pexcolating down the aisle to the stage. The chorus of the soldier
gone was eased on the screen, and everyhody warbled, with greedy ap
petites. All mothers present decided then and there that thelir boys
should not carry guus.
After which Korny steered us np against another side of the game.
He took us into a hotel where we caught two piano fiends at work
right in the act of doping out another ragtime sensation. The guys
wera Jim Monaco and Joe MeCarthy, zmgl they got blamed for “Row,
Row, Row,” “I Love Her, Oh, Oh, Oh!” “Oh, My Love, Wontcha Please
Pull Down the Curtain,” “When [ Getchoo Alone To-night,” and several
dozen more. Jim has just put out his “'Pizeon Walk,” which has be
come very infectious at the danceries. It is a fox trot artistique. (Once
in a while ye gotta use a French word to put °2M
- . .
Fiction Magazine
Free Next Sunday
Do not fail to get the great story section of
the Sunday American, containing exs
cellent up-to-date stories by the world’s
ereatest writers,
i . me
ow to Have a Thin Time
By WILLARD CONNELY. E
. 4
No. s—Visit Some Proud Parents 4
Cepyright, 1916, by the Star Company. Great Dritaln Rights Reserved
VERY tme Bill saw us approaching he would run across the
E around the cormer, or up into the nexi block to stop Us—as it we
were the last car home and he had to catch it. Stop us and tel
us & new word his kid had sald that morning. *Of all the pestilencess
that roam this earth, none is more epidemic, none more deadly. them
the father of a bouncing brat, E
But Bill had always been kind to us. [le Drought us oranges onoe
when we were sick, and never ate one himeelf, and he seat us his own
doctor, who, on account of friend Bill, weni easy on the statement for
professional services rendered. More'n that, Bill and we had belonged
to the same lodge In college; so we were old saloon-mates together
Any time we'd sing “It's Always Fair Weather” we'd guarantea to
it cloudy. So we never tried to dodge him, although we wantsd, oh how
we wanted more'n anything in the world, to give Bill the cure. At l
1! his pup got out of the prodigy class.
Wa thought If we went to see him at his home, just once and k
the greatest little wiff that ever scoured a ssucepan, and coddied the =
oftepring a bit, Bill mignt cease to annoy us on the street with his
parental enthusiasm. And, who knew, we might put in & pleasant 8 £
that way, after all. Bill bad entreated us to “come mnt and see U=
won'tcha?” anywhere up to and including 1,000 times, ‘3
We took the 10:18, which is ghastly sarly for us to ses darlight o
s Bunday. It had snowed all night and was raining viclously
which made it nfce. But as long as we were in the train, what carel
we? We sat there Itke all the rest and read our Sunday paper and threw
discarded hunks of it out in the aisle same as anybody else. b
Bill was there at the station and said little Mortimer was all excite
sbout our coming. Mortimer was dangerously pear two years of ol
age, mark ye. Then Bill observed that it was kinda wet. but come under
his umbrella, and he guessed we'd make out all right. The walk to the
bouse was mud, slush, mud, siush, and everybody on their tip-toes
fnd a place not quite so wet s often as possible. The rain sounded J
Mke stage rain, when they turn the keg of nalls around on & crank.
Grace dear greeted us at the door. She sald, “Sh-h-h!" becaw
Mortimer had just dropped off to sleep, and he'd been fretful that mos
ing for some reason or ruther. The hallway wes a little dim, and ¢
first thing we did was to trip over Mortimer's woolly dog on wheels. ¥
came down hard on the hardwood, which is not very kind to sea .
We were told that it was too bad. Then we got asked it we
hurt. But we came up smiling, though aching. In fact, we all .P
but the next moment a report came in from Mortimer—" Eh-k
wah-wshoowow!!” Grace dear clasped her hands and turned on
with furrowed brows. “Now you've wakened him,” she announced, witl
her jaw & bit rigid. “Yes, now you've dome it!" said Bill. We saf
sump'n, we dono what, which involved the word sorry. i
The world-beating (mayhap husband-beating) wiff gathered hes
okirt and did the hundred-yard dash up to where Mortimer hung ou
Bill and we, looking reproachful at each other downstairs, could hear
her saying, “There, there,” with a bunch of petsy talk thrown in. 1 ‘
confessed that Mortie wae & very sensitive child—just ltke ther,
and his mother’s folks, too. w 5 {
Then Orace dear came walking majestically downstalrs with her
contribution to the next generation, and said that Mortimer ply
wouldn't go to sleep agaln, for he insisted on seelng the “aice” mu o
(who hed nevertheless proved himself to be a careless slum
Then she dared us to say thut baby wasa't a grand specimen of archh
tecture, and we didn’t take the dare. S
Mortimer had one flet the majority of the way into his mouth. The
room was 80 cold he was prob’ly trying to keep his hand werm. He |
Jooked at us as if he had sump'n on us—bout the way Jerome has looked
st Thaw whenever he's seen 'lm, and that's aplenty, for the &
years. Bill asked why we didn't say sump'm to the little fella, and we
sald we were afraid we'd siart the cry etuff again. Then Bill said, “Oh,
no,” and Grace sald, “Mercy, no.” :
8o we swallowed nothin’ a coupla times to give ourself courage, and
said, very gently, we thought, “What's your name?” Mortimer said
“Ump,” and Bill told us to ask him again, and not to make it so rough.
So we chented it, and the kid sald, “Aw-er”” Then Grace and Bill ap
plauded heavily and sald, in unison, “That's right; Mortimer. Isn’'t that
distinet?’ And we sald, “Great. The kid'll be an orator some day.”
“No,” sald Bill. He's gonta be a doctor. He has a very amalytical
mind, and great endurance. Grace wants to make a banker out of ’'im,
but he'll never make a banker because he throws all the pennies he
down the regiater.”
“Maybe he thinks the register's the bank,” we chancod.
“Aw, no,” countered Grace. '‘He's too wise for that.,”
Wise is no name for it. But we didn't tell 'em so inasmuch as we
were commencing to think about dinner. 3
“See if he'll coms to you,” said Bill, who was a little huffy on ac
oounta Mortimer’s undivided attention to friend Grace.
“Oome on over and see us, Mortle”” we pleaded, holding out our
arms as |’ making a stage bow to a large, appreciative audience. The
Kxid waddled over, strange as it may seem, and fell on us. He took only 3
three steps, but we felt wurself called upon to predict that he would
eventually be a transcontinental pedestrian. When you play to a parental
asudience yuh gotta lie for all yer life’s worth. We took Mort up in our 3
wings and were told to look out and not drop him. :
The thing musta thought we were time, for he grabbed us by the ';
forelock. It was about like old Uncle Steve usta grab the bay hoss and
ease the bridle into her teeth. The one thing we rejoiced about was that g
we didn't have any glasses to knock off and pay $8 to get 'em fixed. :
Mortie next decided to separate us from a flower we sperted in our ¢
lapel. When we demurred he let out a yip and handed us a sweeving %
smack across the cheek bone. Then Grace sald, “Oh, that's not nice,
dearle,” and we agreed with her. She told baby to beg cur pardom, so :
Do scowled at us as if to say, “Please don't excnge me.” : i
Bill. had wdlked out on us, to see how lar dinner was from beiug “;:
ready. We let Grace take Mortie, willingly. and she swung him aloft
and allowed that he was the sweetest thing that ever breathed. W.
hope she'll be forgiven for that one. We maintaip thiere’s m}n.‘. OAIQ"":
onion now allve that's gweeter, b
We went in to eat, and Bill put us beside son, because, he said, vwe
were old pals by now, and he was gouna make Mortie say “mg"
whenever he saw us after that. If we ever see him azain we'll ma ‘“
him say “Help!” ‘3
At dinner he went on to splach us and get things on us "
he had the opportunity. Of course, as those responsible for —
sald, it was umavoldable, but still he did it, and we in our new suit, &
We threatened to go put on our storm-coat 4 .' i
In the afternoon Bill asked if we'd mind if be and GFace weati ol
to make a short call and le€t us with Mortie. We :aid 'm'e_:w”"-
sald we'd go make the call and leave them, and unless the traie =t
wregked nearby, W Wowda't be broyght back. .